I am a person who, like Bilbo Baggins, prefers comfort and regular meals to sleeping outdoors and having adventures. It is my belief that The Hobbit, while excellent, would have been vastly improved had the bit with the dwarves been edited out and Tolkien had stuck to 200 pages of Bilbo making cozy-ass meals and going to bed early.
Presented without further comment:
The Hobbit, Improved
or
There and Snack Again
Chapter One: No Trolls, Just Eight Varieties of Scone
“We have cranberry-orange scones, currant-and-redspice scones, strawberries-and-cream scones, buckwheat-and-cinnamon scones, double butter scones, stout-and-chocolate scones, Earl Grey scones, and cheddar-and-thyme scones,” Bilbo said.
“One of each, please,” Adalgrim Took said.
No one was eaten by trolls.
Chapter Two: Steeping Tea Just Exactly Long Enough
“Oh, dear,” Bilbo muttered to himself, peering into the teapot. “I believe I’ve left the tea-leaves in a bit too long.” He took a sip. “Ah,” he said. “No, I haven’t.”
Chapter Three: A Spot Of Cocoa
“How about a bit of cocoa to tide us over, after all the tea and scones?” Bilbo asked.
“That’s just the ticket, my lad,” Adalgrim said. “Just the exact ticket.”
Chapter Four: How About A Nap
Gandalf knocked on the door for a full five minutes, but even a wizard cannot knock hard enough to rouse a napping Hobbit.
Chapter Five: A Trip To The Jam Cellar
“Of course the wine-cellar is on the way to the jam-cellar,” Bilbo thought, “and I had better check on that too, in case anything has happened to the ruby port. It wouldn’t do to neglect the ruby port.”
Chapter Six: The Sackville-Bagginses Are Narrowly Avoided
“That was close,” Bilbo thought.
Chapter Seven: Is It Raining?
Was it raining? It might have been. There was a gentle thud against the roof, but Bilbo couldn’t be sure. He turned over in bed.
Chapter Eight: No, It Isn’t; Better Stay In Anyhow
He padded back from the window. “Now which way was I turned over,” he asked himself. “Under the quilt but over the down, or under the down and with the quilt off altogether?”
The riddle took him most of the afternoon to solve.
Chapter Nine: A Successful Pudding
“That was so good,” Bilbo said, “that I think I’ll make another one. Brambleberry, I think, or perhaps butterscotch.”
He thought for another minute. “Perhaps I’ll make both kinds. After all, today is no ordinary day.”
Chapter Ten: Absolutely Zero Goblins But Plenty Of Sandwiches And A Good Steady Fire
The king is come unto his hall
But I won’t leave my home at all.
The Wyrm of Dread is slain and dead,
But I’m spending the day in bed.
Chapter Eleven: A Nice Day For A Walk Especially For Someone Who’s Never Seen A Dragon
There were absolutely no dragons near Bag End that day, unless you counted the one on the sign at the Green Dragon Inn at Bywater. “I suppose I’d better look in and have myself a pint,” Bilbo thought.
Chapter Twelve: Feeling Safe
“Where has the day gone,” Bilbo said. “I certainly am glad to be home again.”
Tags: books, coziness, feasts, fixing things, going to bed early, jrr tolkien, tea, the hobbit
Man, those scones sound good.
I want scones now.
I want those stout-chocolate scones so much that I Googled to see if a recipe existed. And it does! I may have to make some this weekend.
Bless you! <3
Out of the Frying Pan, Onto the Plate
I would have made an excellent Ordinary Hobbit.
May I suggest a Toast convention here: http://hobbithouseofmontana.com/
After reading this I’ve come to the conclusion that I already am an Ordinary Hobbit.
This post went straight to the “how to live the very best life imaginable” collection on my Kindle, where it will reside in perpetuity along with the Beauty Tips from a Solitary Witch post.
two days ago I was hung over and I watched three movies in bed (only getting out of bed to get food). I wish I had a jam cellar.
I’m still Team Smaug, but I am also Team Scone.
Smaug in the streets and Scone in the. . . . never mind.
Crumbly!
It is now more official than ever: I am a Hobbit.
(Okay so I’m 5’10” WHATEVER I’LL FIGURE IT OUT)
And my feet are hardly even hairy, but I don’t let that keep me from second breakfast. Or third!
“There and Snack Again”
Mallory stole my twitter reply joke. I’m not sure how I feel about this.
“Rhyming Back With Snack joke credit goes to E–.”
All is forgiven. I expect everyone to cite these comments in any further use of this rhyme ever. MLA format preferred.
Christ, I just realized, MLA probably has an accepted citation style for tweets.
EDIT: Yup. To hell with this world.
I have a new favorite thing in this world. This. This, this, this, this.
I was forced to read The Hobbit in the 6th grade I can confirm that this is a FAR superior text.
*Far over the Misty Mountains cold
I’ll just have to imagine from tales of old,
I sleep right through the break of day,
Re-forget that long-forgotten gold*
THE IDEAL
Yes please, and also if the Narnia Chronicles just chronicled the various evening meals: first sardines and brown eggs and honey and toast and sugared cakes at the Tumnus’ house, and then later fresh trout and potatoes at the Beavers’ house but without the lingering childhood worry about whether the trout were sentient. That would be ideal. Please rewind my childhood, thanks.
SECONDED. And don’t forget the great and gloriously sticky marmalade rolls, steaming hot! (The Narnia Cookbook means a great deal to me.)
How did I not know that was a thing???
Narnia is secretly just about how the The War ruined everything (food category).
Right? That bit at the Tumnus’ tea about the big lump of butter from which everyone takes as much as they want could be straight out the food fantasies that nestle in between austere recipes in M.F.K. Fisher’s How To Cook a Wolf.
The winter meal at the end of The Silver Chair always makes my mouth water, especially the part about sausages, “and not wretched sausages, half-full of bread or soya bean, but real sausages, fried in a pan, and just the tiniest bit burnt.”
Plus one entire book dedicated to the Harvest Feast of the Giants of Harfang, minus any dishes featuring Marsh-wiggles.
It must be linked!: Anthony Bourdain in No Reservations: Narnia.
Oh my god, this is perfection. I can totally hear his voice in my head when I read it. Thanks!
Yup, this is note-perfect: everything I ever liked about Bourdain and jusssssst enough of what I loathe about him to feel real.
Haha this is fantastic
I always wanted the sausages at the end of The Silver Chair. Proper sausages not full of soya, and just a bit burnt. I didn’t know what “soya” was, but I knew it didn’t belong in sausages.
Too funny, I left a similar comment above. Sausages! Lewis was very good at describing food.
Related: the food in the Enid Blyton books. Canned food never sounded so delicious. Maybe calling it a “tin” instead of a “can” has something to do with it?
My mouth watered for magical Turkish Delight until I was old enough to get my paws on some and discovered it was nasty. I remember going to get whatever they were eating in the book for a snack, especially golden (delicious) apples.
I would have much preferred this to the real thing. It basically sounds like a Barbara Pym novel. Bilbo just needs a wistful crush on the vicar.
Adding Barbara Pym to my to-read list, I greatly enjoy novels like this.
Oh, she’s so wonderful! Start with Excellent Woman, then move on to A Glass of Blessings, Less Than Angels, or Jane and Prudence.
I disliked the original Hobbit. Now I see it was because it had too much story, and not enough teatime, elevenses and snacks. This is a big improvement
The Hobbit, Improved:
The Hobbit.
By Ursula K. Le Guin
By far the most stressful scene for me of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey was the first-act meal in which Bilbo’s larder and pottery are both imperiled by the dwarves’ appetites and playfulness.
Thorin: Ha ha but look! We cleaned the dishes!
Bilbo: Get out of my house, you drunken sociopath.
An excuse to post this! http://www.npr.org/blogs/thesalt/2013/12/09/24982…
I admire the sheer scope of this endeavor. I dream of hosting an all-day party that is nothing but eating and watching TV. I am seriously considering this for when the next season of OitNB is available–but not with themed foods. Just delicious foods.
This person is my hero and my inspiration.
I’ve done this!! Not these exact recipes, but plenty of homemade pie (both sweet and savory), fresh bread, roasted chicken, pickles, cheese, tea, ale, etc. etc. We even borrowed a projector and made a home theater on our wall. It was glorious.
And, somewhat relatedly, attended an Arrested Development all-day watch party, when it came out on Netflix. My contribution was vodka and toast.
I threw one of those! The fabulous thing about that show was that it had so many foods and drinks that were in-jokes that theme refreshments were crazy-easy: candy beans, hot ham water, a cocktail featuring a blueberry shrub called the “I blue myself”.
What I “Took” (heh heh, some of that Tolkien humor for ya) away from hobbits is that pipeweed is mad strong and they are just utterly high as all hell over in the Shire.
Hence all the snacking
I somehow never wondered before, but is “Lobelia Sackville-Baggins” a jab at Vita Sackville-West?
And if so, does that mean that there’s a hobbit version of Portrait of a Marriage taking place offstage during the course of the books?
Please write this. For the world.
This left me with a strange longing for a House At Pooh Corner/The Hobbit crossover. Bilbo and Pooh should have snacks together.
Now I love that idea. None of the other Pooh characters except Piglet, though. The other characters are too disruptive, like the dwarves.
oh but piglet fusses and worries so much.
I, too, felt there was a contented, food-drunk intersection of Pooh and Hobbit. Till I read the Narnia commentariat.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elevenses#In_literat…
“You’re just in time for a little smackerel of something”
Suddenly I’m no longer convinced that stories need to have conflict.
If anybody else has read The Night Circus, I heard that originally the entire novel was basically just a long description of the circus and its attractions and food and stuff, and the editors made Erin Morgenstern add in the plot with the dueling magicians. I would have actually been fine with the original concept, I think.
If true, that makes total sense. Miniature, magical set pieces are her thing, plot optional. But I can imagine an editorial board wringing their hands about being unable to sell it. (And they wouldn’t be wrong, even though the end product would be charming.)
Is there a Night Circus Cookbook? If not, Why not?
Stories indeed do not need conflict! Here is a lovely Tumblr post that talks about this.
I’ve often wondered if a story without conflict could be successful. Something I’ve always wanted to try.
This is pretty much what Redwall is already.
There’s an occasional battle, but mostly they feast.
Redwall food is a lot less decipherable and/or logistically plausible. It’s like Star Trek talk but for English food.
AHH Redwall I haven’t thought about those books in YEARS and now I want to reread them all.
DON’T.
I tried to do that recently and the gender essentialism and unintelligible moles were terrible. I was sad
No reread value at all
What about just the feast parts? Do those parts have re-read value?
I think if you just skip to those parts you’ll be fine. Otherwise, it just gets confusing. Like, think about how big a mouse is compared to a badger. How do these creatures even coexist, let alone form a community? Also, they’re always eating cheese–do they milk any animals? Is it vegan and nut-based?
Brian Jacques clearly got the memo at some point, as he cut out the mythology/war middleman and just published The Great Redwall Feast (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Great_Redwall_Feast) which is 60+ pages of sumptuous, rhyming food descriptions and full-color illustrations.
Ok. Rather than hunting through Redwall books for only the feast parts, I will read this book. Then make things from the Redwall Cookbook.
So, when there was “a gentle thud against the roof”, did anyone else here think this story was going to start getting disturbing in classic Mallory-destroys-children-books fashion?
I was expecting it to be a body hitting the ground, and the Scouring of the Shire to be starting up with Bilbo still in bed.
Trade the Green Dragon for my local coffee shop and this is my perfect day.
I don’t think I ever realized how much The Hobbit without the adventure is pretty much Winnie-the-Pooh.
“If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.”
This reminds me very much of the actual plot of Noel Streetfield’s Ballet Shoes, where the three sisters and their two guardians eat the shit out of breakfast, elevenses/beaver time, lunch, and tea, while also engaging in mildly interesting adventures. Nom nom nom.
Beaver time? I’m down with that.
Those 20th century Brits really had fictional food down to a science. My favorite was “The Wind in the Willows,” where Mole and Ratty always seemed to be snuggling down to a nice snack or packing a picnic. “He got out the luncheon-basket and packed a simple meal, in which, remembering the stranger’s origin and preferences, he took care to include a yard of long French bread, a sausage out of which the garlic sang, some cheese which lay down and cried, and a long-necked straw-covered flask wherein lay bottled sunshine shed and garnered on far Southern slopes.”
The Wind in the Willows is such a great book. His nature descriptions are wonderful too.
cold gherkins
Those 20th century Brits really had fictional food down to a science. My favorite was "The Wind in the Willows," where Mole and Ratty always seemed to be snuggling down to a nice snack or packing a picnic. "He got out the luncheon-basket and packed a simple meal, in which, remembering the stranger's origin and preferences, he took care to include a yard of long French bread, a sausage out of which the garlic sang, some cheese which lay down and cried, and a long-necked straw-covered flask wherein lay bottled sunshine shed and garnered on far Southern slopes."
ice cream sandwiches & frozen bananas for dessert
The Wind in the Willows is such a great book. His nature descriptions are wonderful too.
The winter meal at the end of The Silver Chair always makes my mouth water, especially the part about sausages, "and not wretched sausages, half-full of bread or soya bean, but real sausages, fried in a pan, and just the tiniest bit burnt."
Too funny, I left a similar comment above. Sausages! Lewis was very good at describing food.
Ugh, I tried to scroll past this, but I can't. It's Tolkien.
(Sorry, showing myself out, etc.)
Whoops, sorry! I resolve to do better in the future 🙂
cold gherkins
I'm commenting so late that no one can see it, but as someone who has, in fact, eaten bear on a number of occasions, I can confirm that vegetarian bears taste good and omnivorous bears taste nasty. That's why if you shoot and eat a bear you should do so in the interior, where the bear can't get fish and has to eat blueberries.
I've often wondered if a story without conflict could be successful. Something I've always wanted to try.
Beaver time? I'm down with that.
The Isabel Dalhousie series by Alexander McCall Smith is actually just like this, really, only in Scotland and with locally-sourced gourmet foods. (Not that Bilbo’s aren’t, but he doesn’t make such a point of it.) They started out as cozy mysteries but ended up just being cozy with no mystery.
Still no Tom Bombadil.
Good.