“We’re Fine Here, How Are You?” Normal Moments In Art History Where No One Is About To Get Murdered

by Mallory Ortberg · June 16, 2014

normal

hi hi what are you doing i’m very normal and you can trust me

you should trust me

start trusting me right now ok

normal3

hiiiiii hey 

what’s up what are you doing 

you should come over 

you should come over and hang out with us definitely

we could drink stuff out of vials together or whatever

normal8

hi come over and hang out with us 

we won’t drown you at all 

i dont even know the first thing about drowning so i definitely couldn’t drown you 

look at how much we’re not drowning right now

come over and trust us

normal10

heyy hi again hi guys 

we thought we’d just come over to you 

see what’s up

cool boat this is a super cool boat, what is it, like a sailboat

like a boat for sailing in? 

awesome, awesome 

you know what you should come see though 

is the ocean

come on we’ll show you it’s very cool, super breathable

normal9

what dead girl 

i don’t even know what you mean 

this girl was here when we got here

she wanted us to stand on her

yeah that was like all she could talk about 

“please stand on me”

so don’t worry it’s very normal what we’re doing here

normal7

yeah so just drink out of this cup and then something will happen after that i guess

normal2

no come on in i’m not busy 

or i was busy but i’m finished now 

or i mean i will be finished in just a minute 

you can take off your coat and sense of foreboding if you want

normal5

hey

normal4

hey guys hey come on in just come right on in i’m so glad you’re here by yourselves just the two of you 

we’re going to have such a good normal time in this cave together 

normal14

haha you keep saying that word and i’m like 

i don’t even know what drowning is! 

how do you even say it, droneing? drawning? 

just come in the water and you’ll find out some things

normal13

hi hey hi i like you 

yeah you i like you your face is good 

stop being on the land so much come be with me 

i can help you breathe under water 

none of my boyfriends are riverbank corpses if that’s what you’re worried about

normal11

come in i have no plans to turn you into an animal 

i have to be telling the truth 

see how many men turned into animals i already own???

like why would i need more

my turning men into animal servant days are over swear to god

normal12

i don’t know how that snake skin got there but don’t worry about it just keep looking into my eyes and trusting me as hard as you can okay baby??

normal6

hey 

come over

come over and we’ll do something really fun with your body

fun and normal of course!!

fun but just as importantly, very normal, very regular things

you’ll be able to keep all of your skin

[Images via]

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100 Comments

  1. lizdepriest +127

    Is Monk #2 responsible for these? He really had his finger on the pulse of malevolent bitches.

  2. safvn +94

    there are no demon-babies here at all

    what demon-babies

    i’ve never even seen a baby OR a demon much less both in one

      1. thewhelk +88

        Walking into the cave is a silent agreement that you will be participating in Cave Things.

    3. turanga_leela +31

      I was in a cave just yesterday. We had a very normal time. Really! But we were disappointed to find out that the cave we were in was too cold for bats. What is the point of a cave with no bats.

      1. LeastBittern +51

        Yes. That is what we do in caves; stand in the dark and check for bats. Normal cave things normal.

    4. bethcorriveau +32

      My mother-in-law has a cave. A literal one, even, in the side of the hill below her house. She leads yoga retreats in it. I think this is about as normal a time in a cave as one can have.

      1. LeastBittern +86

        When your husband wooed you, did he give you an apple or a piece of jewelry just before you fell in love with him? Does he always wear a ribbon around his neck? Does she always make you strange-tasting teas?

      1. onamission5 +5

        You’d look like that too if you had half a head and a cherub putting a torch in.. where is that torch coming from, anyway… while blithely murderous women sat upon you.

        I think it’s a goat tho? Not a lot of long-bearded cows running about.

  5. ThatOtherWench +19

    I shall reveal some art history ignorance here in the name of researching my newest super-awesome halloween costume: what’s the name of the piece with all the animal-man-servants?

    1. HotDoom +19

      Ha, I was going to ask this too, because this painting is now my desktop background and she is my everything.

      1. mangosara +55

        reverse-Google Image search AKA my new favorite thing says: Circe by Wright Barker

        (if you have Google Chrome all you have to do is right click the image and say “Search Google for this image” and then POOF omg the internet is magic guys I am not being sarcastic I just figured this out)

        1. Bryn (Plus Others) +5

          Thank you for this information! I have been using Chrome for a while now and had never noticed that!

      2. GreenGrasses +45

        I’d like this painting to be printed on silk and made into the ultimate misandrist ballgown.

        1. ThatOtherWench +3

          I’m thinking that Circe might actually be super-easy to do as a halloween costume. Use the chiton instructions from Take Back Halloween, add a tiger-print drape of some sort (I don’t know if I’d go full-himation with it), acquire skimpy lion costume for my partner. Plus, everyone knows the best halloween costumes come with a built-in drinking vessel, and I’m already completely in love with this rhyton-style mug: https://www.etsy.com/listing/164672299/ram-beer-m…

          (Yes, the wolf one would be slightly more literal to the Odyssey myth, but I think the ram’s expression better captures his acceptance of his purpose in life.)

    2. queenofbithynia +55

      somebody else will know whose Circe that is but at least one of those lion man-servants is absolutely a animal woman-servant. pretty interesting I think. plus you can tell they are all completely fine with being lions not mad about it at all.

        1. LeastBittern +40

          OR it’s just a lion without the testosterone required to grow a mane. Castrated lions are maneless: your fact for the day.

      2. moxycrimefighter +31

        I actually think being an animal servant would be quite enjoyable! How much could you really do in the way of labor, you don’t have thumbs – so really just some prowling and menacing noises and swipin’ your claws at stuff. I am a little nervous about that tiger-skin rug which I at first just mistook for a very flat cat.

      3. GoatseFanfic +33

        Honestly which would you rather be bronze age sailor or lion

        I mean you got a roughly equivalent lifespan either way, assuming the sea witch doesn’t decide you’d make a better rug

    3. CleverManka +154

      That’s Circe, by Wright Barker.

      My favorite part of it is the skinned tiger. Like, what did he do, you know? What did he do that not only warranted being turned into an animal, but also being turned into a rug? I bet he said something along the lines of “But not ALL men, Circe…”

      2. logicbutton +54

        And then getting put on her front step, just so that EVERY SINGLE PERSON who walked through her door would have to think about him and what it means for actions to have consequences.

        1. CleverManka +55

          *slow blink*

          I think I might have just found the solution to some of my recent problems at work.

          1. TKK +4

            Either Clevermanka IS a cat…or BOTH of us have been watching too much of Jackson Galaxy.

    4. GoatseFanfic +9

      Wright Barker’s ‘Circe’

      Now someone tell me who did the one with the floaty hat men, that one’s goin’ on my wall.

          1. CleverManka +30

            It’s good to have those eighty bajillion hours of art history come in handy once in a while.

        2. ThatOtherWench +42

          I mean, of course it’s Goya. It’s probably more impressive that Mallory found some pieces to include that *aren’t* Goya.

        3. ejbaker13 +51

          Highly recommend everything Goya painted after he got more seriously syphilitic.

          1. literaltrousersnake +9

            I now work in an open-plan office and this comment is going to get me in SO MUCH TROUBLE FOR THE CACKLING

    5. Goomaly +218

      I looked up Circe on Wikipedia and came to this line:

      “She also advised Odysseus to go to the Underworld and gave him directions.”

      I WOULD LIKE TO ADVISE YOU TO GO TO HELL. DO YOU NEED DIRECTIONS.

      1. LeastBittern +51

        He gets there and meets one of his sailors who fell off her roof while drunk. Like he left and everyone was fine, doing normal things – and by the time he gets to the underworld, someone is dead and everyone else is drunk.

        I’m saying turning them into pigs might have been justified.

        1. Abanthis +39

          90% of the men in Epic are justifications for misandry in themselves and the other 10% are justifications for keeping some alive as slaves.

          1. LeastBittern +17

            <sigh> We’d have to kill Odysseus, right? He’s too fucking clever. Even the gods can’t keep him down.

            I hear that his bedpost is huge and never stops growing though. <expressions that indicate innuendo>

          2. Goomaly +30

            Pffffff Odysseus doesn’t exist. He’s just a scary bedtime story women tell their daughters so they NEVER let their guard down.

          3. LeastBittern +49

            You think a man is out of your life since he’s been gone for twenty years, and POOF! he shows up and murders all your friends.

          4. LeastBittern +34

            “Can I hold your baby for a minute?”
            “Um, he’s sleeping, sooo.”
            “Just for a second though. I want to say I held the son of Hector.”
            “I… I guess?”
            “Cool, I’ma throw him off the walls of Troy to prevent revenge shit.”

          5. LeastBittern +21

            “Hey, I have an idea; you’re so hot we might go to war over who gets to marry you?”
            “Anyway, I think we should all promise to go to war against anyone who kidnaps and/or rapes you.”
            “I’m totally in because I care so much about you, I definitely won’t pretend to be insane to get out of it or anything if you marry someone else.”
            “I hear your cousin’s kinda hot?”

  7. Narvi +34

    I think all this Art has made me realize how scary naked women are

    All my following Sexual Endeavors will proceed with the woman well-wrapped in a bolt of silk

    Gonna be expensive, but meh, you know how dates are in this economy

    1. LeastBittern +65

      Doing really well because increasing desertification and food preservation science makes them an economically viable crop?

  8. Dr LadyBusiness +117

    “just come in the water and you’ll find out some things” = original tagline for Jaws

  10. CleverManka +179

    none of my boyfriends are riverbank corpses if that’s what you’re worried about

    My new email signature line.

  11. Janie_S +43

    My only goal in life is to be one of these Very Normal Cave Ladies with Normal Potions and OK, maybe ONE polymorphed man.

    1. ThatOtherWench +31

      That’s kinda the challenge with polymorphing your mens, though. They become far less capable of helping with your cave-chores once you remove the opposable thumbs. It’s such a trade-off, because you find yourself thinking about how much more efficient things would be if there were *two* polymorphed mens, and then… well, it’s just a slippery slope from there.

      1. ejbaker13 +8

        What if you polymorphed them into, like, gibbons or something, so they still had the thumbs…

        1. theskyrbeast +17

          I don’t know, I’m trying to imagine gibbons washing the dishes or doing some laundry (cave-laundry of course) and all I can envision is some really long monkey limbs and mayhem.

        3. Teka Lynn +17

          They’ll just brachiate all over the house and crap on the floor. And hoot a lot.

          So, no difference really.

  12. lassotabasco +25

    OMG that one with the four demon child-boys floating in the air! Are the three ones with the hats blowing the fourth one? What is the dude doing beneath them? WHAT IS GOING ONNNNNNNNNN.

  13. katie1421 +3

    Couldn’t figure out what was murdery about #5, and then I kept scrolling down.

  15. cherrispryte +89

    Okay but who is going to find all of these as reasonably-priced prints and package them for sale as a collection you can hang altogether in your foyer so people entering your apartment for the first time know what they’re in for?

    Asking for a friend, obvi.

    1. LeastBittern +27

      You… you don’t have the transmorgrified skin of an ex right there in the foyer?

      1. cherrispryte +64

        Not anymore, there wasn’t room for it between my ever-growing collection of the souls of all the men who’ve disappointed me and my shrine to Lilith.

        1. LeastBittern +60

          OMG, that sounds super cute! I always get such great decoration tips from the toast!

  16. Megano! +31

    My main takeaway is never trust gangs full of naked women. Especially if they’re in or near water, but really just at all. It’s probably accurate.

  17. Abanthis +14

    Circe is my new life ambition. She clearly knows what is best in life.

    The unequal distribution of legs and clothes amongst the Sirens confuses me.

    Is “busy” lady a Van Eyck? She has something of the Putin-face about her.

    Snakeskin-lady’s knight’s dubious protective hand placement is quietly hilarious.

    2. anachronistique +8

      Emily Carroll is THE BEST. And I will totally return to talk about Helena later this evening, I’m an episode behind!

      1. ToTheIsLand +4

        Emily Carroll is SO GOOD. She only posts a new comic every six months or so, but they are always the best thing (and often, creepiest thing) you could wish for.

        Coincidentally, she just posted a new one this past week, and it’s excellent (and slightly longer than usual): http://www.emcarroll.com/comics/fox/one.html

        It goes well with this article’s overall theme of “Why wouldn’t you trust the ominous-looking woman? She’s so nice and friendly.”

  19. britomartian +84

    “none of my boyfriends are riverbank corpses if that’s what you’re worried about”

    brb updating my Okcupid profile, I think this is just what was missing

    1. Nausikaa +1

      Yes indeed. I remember where I was today ten years ago (Aix-en-Provence), which makes me feel old. I marked the occasion by buying soap.

  21. Cata +8

    In number 2, is that a garbage pail kid or a dirtbag cherubim? I always get those two mixed up.

  22. Mariah +6

    #1
    this water is really pretty and it’s completely normal to watch it drip, drip, like blood and effluvian and…wait, wait, I meant like tears in rain, like sands in the hourglass, these are the…hey! where are you going?

    Also #1
    Look, it’s totally normal to spill water with one boob out while staring at it like I’m willing it to become a giant water monster. All the cool kids are doing it.

    1. Aunt_Beast +3

      That is a fantastically creepy piece of art and I’m really glad I know about it now!

    2. L_Bear +4

      THANK YOU. I would love to see murdering misandrists who looked a bit more like me in this otherwise impeccable collection.

  24. Liz G +6

    I love Mallory. She is my favorite scary hilarious writer. I will read her wherever she posts, in a totally normal appreciation way.

  25. Betsaroo +4

    #7
    No of course these shoes are totally normal and not for impaling you, why? Why wouldn’t I be mostly naked except for toe spikes when entertaining gentlemen callers?

  26. rosemarynotroses +10

    I cracked up at the one that just said ‘hey’. I refuse to believe these women are such obvious liars though.

  28. Steve Bell +5

    Wonderful.

    #2 What goat? No, honestly, goats are like budgies; if you cover them up, they go to sleep.

  29. pitytheviolins

    This is so late, but PSA, She's got a book coming out next month!!! http://www.amazon.com/Through-Woods-Emily-Carroll&#8230;

  30. pitytheviolins

    This is so late, but PSA, She's got a book coming out next month!!! http://www.amazon.com/Through-Woods-Emily-Carroll&#8230;

  31. arthipstory +1

    You are actually, absolute magic. Will you post on my blog, please please?! I would die a happy, ‘drink from this cup and something will happen, I guess’ death.

    arthipstory.com

  35. Emily +2

    Does anyone else think that the full mustache on skeletal right-hand-side death in the last one is the best detail of all?