Excerpts from Figueroa’s Findings on the Habits of Everyday Monsters
The Earworm (Halicocephalus strepitus) is a microscopic parasite most commonly found in the inner ear of human beings. These creatures have long been assumed benign due to their symbiotic relationship with nearly all human people and a lack of evidence pointing to their presence as a source of harm. Several scientists attempted to narrow down exactly what earworms subsist on and why our humble ear canals provide such a hospitable environment. Their now-classified research went largely unfinished as the full 8 person team vanished after a few months of experimentation; this wasn’t uncommon for scientists in the 19th century. Though there are few discernible benefits to being an earworm host, there are no demonstrable negative effects either. To keep it that way, make sure you nourish your earworm with high quality repetition. Childhood commercial jingles and any music to which you can recall fewer than 5 consecutive words of lyrics are ideal, but playground songs and modern electronic pop are great alternatives. Odd words and nonsense phrases (e.g. tuberous phalange, cantankerous, spoon plumage, serving Council of Nicaea realness) are a sign that your earworms are healthy but restless. Don’t let them become restless.
Homesickness is a quasi-sentient virus that is present in most beings. It is studied most extensively in primates, especially humans, but has been observed in species as divergent as cats, elephants, mice, and whales. Like chicken pox or MRSA, this virus has no cure and often experiences protracted periods of dormancy. Symptoms vary from case to case but include heartache (similar in intensity to acid reflux), unprompted crying, insomnia, general malaise, and explosive sighing. Flare-ups are often more severe after a dormant period of longer than 2 years. Homesickness can often be mitigated by interacting with close family or friends; parents and siblings frequently offer most effective respite as specific symptoms are intergenerational. Foods or sounds from one’s home or childhood can also be an effective emotional analgesic.
Self-doubt (Siccumbra autophobus of the order Narcomedusae) is a shade or phantom that hovers just behind the left ear of its host. It feeds on the Unknowable, a dense kernel of je-ne-sais-quoi and god-only-knows deep in the human brain. The fear, insecurity, and general dislike of oneself by which the host often finds themselves overwhelmed is simply a waste by-product of the Self-doubt phantom’s inefficient digestive process. An individual besieged by this phantom and its ilk often mistakes the disgust at the piles of unseen phantom waste as disgust at themselves, such is the insidiousness of Self-doubt. Many cures have been sought but this particular monster can only be fought off through, much like iocane powder, cultivating an immunity. Self-doubt is, by all accounts, an asshole; it is repelled by Confidence, particularly by the Verve, Guts, and Moxie varieties. The Unknowable inside you contains every horrible tragedy you can imagine but infinitely more of the triumphs and braveries that you can’t believe you possess. Start off by deploying some fortifying internal monologue when you feel Self-doubt looming. Simple phrases such as Fuck It or Fuck Yeah, even with regards to small but decisive life moments (e.g. “Fuck it, I’ll join a bowling league”, “Fuck yeah I am the best at folding laundry.”), can prove effective. In more severe cases, a large dose Fuck ‘Em can be employed (e.g. “I clearly look amazing with my shimmery teal unibrow. Fuck ‘em”). Elevating the chin or arching the brow often amplifies the effectiveness of these affirmations. This phantom is resilient and can escalate to alarming levels of despair only moments after initial contact. Constant, vigilant self-love will weaken even the strongest shade.
Procrastination (Tensumbra meh) is a lesser shade, related to Self-Doubt through a common ancestor whose name I’ll look up later. Procras can be mistaken for laziness but the root cause is fear of inadequacy and not indiff. We’d all be so lucky to feel simply lazy. Abbrvs, shortcuts, panicked repetitive unproductive thoughts, shortcuts, the delusion that one maintains control over outcomes despite avoidance, and shortcuts are s/sx. I assure you we will return to this topic in later chapters.
The Tampon Imp (Plenibursa cupidus) is a general household pest. Its common name is a bit of a misnomer as it generally seeks out a variety of cotton materials like medical gauze and cotton balls. Menstrual products are not necessarily a favored quarry of this imp; the absence of these products is generally more noticed due to frequency and urgency of use. A specific portion of human population notices the habits of the Tampon Imp through the phenomenon of shortage, wherein an individual believes they have an sufficient stock of napkins or tampons and yet comes to find themselves in dire need, often at a deeply inconvenient moment. The imp does not intend to disrupt one’s daily life or otherwise wreak havoc on an unsuspecting underwear drawer; these creatures are rather like burrowing rodents that enjoy warm, fluffy nests but can often take more than their share of cotton goods. Sometimes the imps can be fooled into thinking they are taking the last of a stash by leaving a single tampon or cotton bud in a bathroom drawer or on a nightstand. Another benefit of carrying a decoy pad in a purse is one may be able to come to the rescue of another unlucky person who has been caught unaware by a greedy burrow of imps. It is currently held that these imps are related to the pests that swipe socks from washing machines and clotheslines, but concrete evidence establishing a definitive biological connection has yet to be found.
The Giggles is a currently uncategorized species of monster; it has defied traditional approaches to taxonomy through its ability to remain hidden to all but the youngest of humans. The oldest known child responsible for a confirmed sighting and description of The Giggles is 6 years and 4 months. Through careful surveys and detailed crayon drawings, researchers have concluded that the average Giggles is covered in dense fur, has large protruding eyes, and long digits used for tickling and grabbing. A Giggles can vary wildly in height (though they are often reported to be quite large, sometimes exceeding 7 thousand billion inches) and color (their fur has been described as “brown, like my dog”, “pink polka dots and purple stripies”, and “all of the colors”). Due to their invisibility to the general populace, their interactions both with humans and other Giggles are exceedingly difficult to study. Giggles can strike anyone anywhere and are commonly encountered in churches, important business meetings, exam days at school, and libraries. They are generally harmless monsters but persistent in their pursuits; given their reputation for interrupting official congregations, solemn events, and their seeming avoidance of government buildings, Giggles can be assumed to be anti-establishment, possibly living in anarcho-syndicalist communes.
Tags: Kristina Casto-Ardern, magic, monsters
This is exactly the sort of thing I want to spend my time reading.
Glad to hear it!
Tampon imps! *shakes fist*
The tampon imps cleared out the stock of J-cloths in my house.
It’s interesting to see this article on the toast, because I’ve found the Toast to be an effective treatment of many of these conditions. (Not procrastination or earworms, but nothing’s perfect.)
I wonder if it’s like antibiotics; overuse will eventually result in loss of efficacy.
Hmm, possible. The loss of efficacy in antibiotics comes either from one’s body building a tolerance or from a mutation in the thing it’s trying to treat. Mutated self-doubt would be, like, the biggest a-hole in the world.
Let’s hope not then! 😉
Well, it wouldn’t necessarily be worse than regular self-doubt; it’s just that the Toast wouldn’t be able to treat it.
This is true! I guess I’m just likening self-doubt to staph and mutated self-doubt to antibiotic resistant MRSA. Which is more a case of me leaping to the worst-case scenario than anything realistic! XD
Tuberous Phalange being, of course, Regina’s great-uncle.
LOL Absolutely!
These are PERFECT. In particular, I think I may have to frame this sentence and hang it on the wall over my desk:
The Unknowable inside you contains every horrible tragedy you can imagine but infinitely more of the triumphs and braveries that you can’t believe you possess.
(Also: darn those tampon imps!)
Aww thanks! (And yes, the Imps got me the past couple of cycles running! I haven’t yet learned to outsmart them.)
Aw. This was great.
What was especially great was that it was actually about cute monsters and didn’t take an abrupt veer into Mallory!sodark! territory. Sometimes cute is what you need.
I tend to enjoy a gentle sort of creepiness. I love Mallory’s warped about-faces but I wanted this to veer more towards whimsy. Of course, not all monsters in “Figueroa’s Findings” are as benign as these. 😉 Glad you enjoyed it!
Whimsy is exactly the word I was looking for and couldn’t find. 🙂
Had you been reading The Book of Imaginary Creatures too?
No, but I take it I should be?
It’s a compliment! Borges is a wonderful writer.
Sorry I think my tone got lost in text. I meant, I haven’t but I take it you mean it’d be up my alley? I’ve read little of Borges beyond some of his poetry but I’ve read enough to be very flattered by the comparison. Thanks. 🙂
Had you been reading The Book of Imaginary Creatures too?
It's a compliment! Borges is a wonderful writer.
Hello The Toast, I am sorry to offer an off-topic comment but I’ve been getting a really annoying ad at the top of the page that covers the title. The ad is for Fox Chase Cancer Center. Can it be reprimanded?
Ear Worm tale of woe: Years ago, I had a particularly bad case. I was hounded day and night by Tenacious D’s “Rocket Sauce”, which, to the tune of “Sailing, Sailing” goes like this:
Rocket, rocket
All of my rocket sauce
All of my fuckin’ rocket sauce
All of my rocket sauce
It was epic. It was brutal. It seemed to be never-ending, but eventually it went away. Until last week, when my ex-husband sent me his yearly “hey, how are you, see I’m a nice normal person very nice and normal I email my ex-wife because I am nice and normal and friendly” email. In which he proceeded to say he was reminded of me the other day because, you guessed it, he saw that episode of Tenacious D again, and heard Rocket Sauce.
HE WILL NOT BE SPARED IN THE MISANDRIST REVOLUTION.
HAHA! Oh no! My earworm occasionally feeds off of Jack Black’s weirdness too, specifically any piece of the “Inward Singing” skit and the scat sort of thing from Wonderboy (RIGAGOOGOO RIGAGOOGOO).
I’ve found sights and sounds from home can trigger homesickness, rather than fighting it. But perhaps it’s a case of the dose making the poison.
Mmm. Agreed. I definitely get homesickness popping up with a smell or a certain picture…but for me at least, I have to take an “only way out is through” approach and submerge myself in “home” to feel better. Everyone has different needs and responses though. 🙂
I've found sights and sounds from home can trigger homesickness, rather than fighting it. But perhaps it's a case of the dose making the poison.
The tampon imp visits me regularly, usually when I am out of money to buy more.
The tampon imp visits me regularly, usually when I am out of money to buy more.
Strongly reminded of The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows. http://www.dictionaryofobscuresorrows.com/