Until last night, I had never heard of 1983′s Class, starring Rob Lowe and Andrew McCarthy. Until last night, I thought the only movie about sleeping with someone’s mom was The Graduate, LIKE A CHUMP. The Graduate sucks eggs and Class rules. You should watch Class and never watch The Graduate ever again.
Class and The Graduate both attempt to answer the same two central questions, namely Is It Rad To Sleep With A Lady Who Is 40 and Were The 1960s Any Good, but only Class gets it right (Yes and No, respectively).
Class Features A Scene Where A Good-Looking Character Says The Line “Welcome to [Name of Academy] Academy”
That’s always a sign of a really good movie. I’m pretty sure someone says it in School Ties. For sure they say it in Cruel Intentions, I bet. Probably they say it in Dead Poet’s Society; I don’t know, I’ve only ever seen the scene where Robin Williams makes everyone rip up their books and then the bit at the end where Robert Sean Leonard hangs himself because he can’t be in A Midsummer Night’s Dream. In Class, Rob Lowe says it, and the name of the academy is VERNON Academy, which I think is the name of the mean dean in Animal House, so it’s pretty great.
Nobody says “Welcome to [Name of Academy] Academy” in The Graduate, I’m pretty sure.
Class Is A Freaking Murderer’s Row Of Teens And Babes
Holy smokes, you guys, pretty much everyone in Class became a high-ranking member of the Powers and Principalities Of 1980s Sex Romps — Cameron from Ferris Bueller is in it, John Cusack is in it, Joan Cusack is in it, Virginia Madsen is in it but I didn’t catch which character she played, plus teeny tiny Andrew McCarthy and Rob Lowe! Only it was like…four years or so before their biggest hits, so they’re all actual teens, with tiny baby faces.
hi im definitely an actual teen; whats sex ive never even had it
Did you know that when Dustin Hoffman filmed The Graduate, he was already 57? Plus there’s like, a four-hour-long party scene where someone tells him to go into Plastics, which is a metaphor for Hypocrisy and The Banality of The Suburbs, and he never smiles or has a good time even once.
Class Has The Best Fight Scene Of Any Teen Sex Romp Ever, Bar None
There’s a really tremendous fight scene between Rob Lowe and Andrew McCarthy near the end of the movie. It’s perfect; weird and stuttered and full of long pauses, like an actual fight between two guys who don’t fight a lot would look like, because they’re not sure exactly what to do next and also they’re a little winded. All fight scenes in non-action movies would do well to take their cues from this fight scene.
why are we pretending that she is older than him
If you want to see a ninety-year-old man pretend to be a college student and, like, unhappily ride public transportation with Lana Del Ray, then by all means, crank up your Victrola VCR and watch The Graduate. If you want to watch Rob Lowe meaningfully punch Andrew McCarthy in the goddamn face, watch Class.
There Is A Scene In Class Where Somebody Tells An Authority Figure To “Fuck Off” And Then When He Walks In The Lunch Room All The Guys Give Him A Standing Ovation
That never happens in The Graduate even once.
Rob Lowe Is A Goddamn Delight
He plays a guy named Skip and he screams at a Calculus book. He looks like he is both A) really committed to playing the character of Skip as three-dimensionally as is possible when your character is named Skip and B) having a great time, which is legitimately difficult to pull off. I love Rob Lowe; he is a Goofy Dad who was imprisoned for years in a Hot Dude’s body and I rejoice that soon he will be entirely free of his Handsome Carapace. I wish we were in a book club about Civil War biographies together.
Andrew McCarthy Is Both Brought Low And Later Redeemed By Lady’s Panties
On his first day of school, Andrew McCarthy gets tricked into wearing ladies’ underwear by crafty ladies’ underwear-wearing Rob Lowe, only it’s a trick because Rob Lowe shuts Andrew McCarthy outside of the dorms and everyone laughs at him.
Andrew McCarthy gets Rob Lowe back by pretending to hang himself over Rob Lowe’s bed, so that Rob Lowe believes he has driven a young man to suicide. After this they become friends. Andrew McCarthy knows how to end a prank war. No one hangs themselves in The Graduate, but perhaps they should have.
Later, Andrew McCarthy brings back a pair of ladies’ underwear from his Sex Trip to Chicago. Rob Lowe does not realize it at the time, but they are the panties of his very own Rob Lowe Mother, who Andrew McCarthy does it with a bunch. They seem like they have a great time.
No one has a great time in The Graduate. Class has Panty Motifs and also people having a good time during sex. The Graduate has that cool white stripe in Anne Bancroft’s hair, I guess.
In conclusion, The Graduate sucks eggs and I should never have watched it that one time in high school.
Tags: class, movies, rob lowe, saucy sex romps, sleeping with your elders, the graduate, welcome to name of academy academy, were the sixties any good
Ugh, this just makes me more excited to watch Vampire Academy again with my family in two weeks.
Anne Bancroft is the only reason to watch The Graduate.
In a better world, The Graduate would be about “Mrs. Robinson, misandrist hero”.
The bit where he stammers through a tactless description of the death of all her hopes and dreams; that’s where she should have murdered him like, twice, and then become a bear.
“Oh you left college and abandoned art because you had to have Elaine!” *murder*, resurrect w/ dark arts (abandoned light arts after leaving college, kept up darker ones after Elaine started kindergarden), turn into bear, kill and eat. Move to Alaska, fall through skylights and eat cupcakes.
A THOUSAND TIMES YES. That scene when she’s talking about studying art in college with Hoffman just staring at her like a big goober — her facial expression destroys my heart.
Except for soundtrack, this is absolutely, 110% correct.
The Graduate is the WORST it’s the slowest movie ever and there is a twenty-seven hour long song about herbs in the middle for NO REASON. I turned it off before they even got to the sex.
There is sex in the Graduate? I only like it because Katherine Ross goes to Berkeley and my boyfriend (now husband) drove that cool Alfa.
It’s a song about saying “Fuck you!” to an elf lord with unreasonable standards of spousal behavior – it’s only the version sung by Simon and Garfunkel that obscures that.
*whispers that rsl shot himself in red foreman’s office in dps and it was way traumatic*
how big of a part does john cusack play here because that’s gonna be my deciding factor, as always
yes we share deciding factors
Yes this is true. Also I had somehow remembered that movie as having a gay subplot, like he shot himself because he was gay and his parents hated it. But no. He just wanted to be Puck.
No, reading Neil as gay is a good reading, IMO! It makes way more sense than “OMG, I have to transfer schools and six months from now go to Harvard,” where a few minutes of contemplation would make RSL realize that Harvard doesn’t give a fuck if Daddy approves of theatre club or not (unless Daddy has the money to donate a new dorm). At least the gay reading doesn’t make me hate Neil for being a fucking dumbass, and by extension hate the movie for trying to make me FEEL about a fucking dumbass. Also, it was made in 1989 and took place in the 50s, so it makes sense that any gayness would be subtextual.
Or maybe you’re misremembering the “I love my dead gay son!” line from “Heathers” in this movie. Which would have also made the ending better.
I always thought that Neil was 100% gay and the acting thing was a total metaphor. He’s the only one in the movie who’s not panty chasing at least a LITTLE and there are a lot of Meaningful Looks and gentle Walt Whitman readings between all those beautiful boys. And him realizing that his dad isn’t going to accept the acting is him realizing that dad will never accept HIM. Oh Neil, you were too good for this world.
I loved The Graduate in high school, then watched it for a class in college and hated it. We also watched Saturday Night Fever and I wrote a paper about how much better it was. The difference, ironically, is Class (the other kind), in that I actually cared about the protagonist’s struggles because he wasn’t an upper middle class college grad with endless life choices floating face down in his parents’ pool because, I don’t know, ennui.
I also watched Don Jon this week and it is a terrible version of SNF, nobody watch it ever. (Although Scarlett Johansen is good in it, much better than that movie where she’s an upper middle class college grad with endless life choices hanging out in a fancy Tokyo hotel room with no pants on because, I don’t know, ennui.)
Yeah, it loses its luster once you get to the point in your life where you realize that middle-class ennui is the least interesting subject ever.
Full disclosure: I liked it the first time I saw it too – I was maybe 18 and all “yeah, suck it adults and your Plastics”
NEVER WATCH DON JON. It’s so bad, so so bad.
Husssshhhhh I loved it.
I kinda loved it too!
I want to hear more about how it’s bad, since people have talked it up?
I haven’t SEEN it, and I don’t plan to, because it would probably involve looking up from the computer for at least an hour. But I still want to hear opinions.
I was in 6th grade when “Class” came out and I was already drooling over Rob Lowe from “The Outsiders.” This movie is a forgotten gem. It has Jacqueline Bisset, who is freakin’ gorgeous. And it’s Andrew McCarthy’s best work, pre-“St. Elmo’s Fire.”
Everyone else can just pack up and go home – this is the best piece of film criticism I’ve ever read.
I was hesitant to read this article since I’ve never seen The Graduate. Lucky for me, by the sounds of it, you haven’t either, except maybe that one time in high school when you probably weren’t even paying attention at all.
Further suggestions for future uninformed reviews:
1. Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (What? It could be funny! I mean, I’m definitely not going to watch it to find out but I’d maybe like to read a review by someone equally as unwilling to watch it.)
2. My bucket list (I won’t limit you by telling you what’s on it/also this is a trick so you’ll tell me my future)
I love that this comment is actually loving and positive. <3
Oh yes– thanks for pointing that out! I love uninformed reviews! There can be no better kind!
NICE TRY, DUSTIN
This made me look up what Andrew McCarthy’s doing these days. Oh, nothing much—except for directing five episodes of Orange is the New Black. Good on the fella.
In the episode he directed about Gloria, there’s a cardboard cut-out of him in front of her convenience store! It’s awesome!
Oh wow! I totally did not even notice that that wasn’t the regular megamillions cardboard guy.
I’m going to go and buy this immediately just for Rob Lowe in that bra.
I fucking loved this movie and would sneak down to the basement to watch it in secret (I grew up in a pretty strict Xtian house) when it showed on HBO. I don’t think I ever got to see it once in its entirety because every time either my parents woke up or I got too sleepy to continue watching. Thanks, Mallory, for reminding me that it existed. Now I want to have an 80s sex romp movie marathon uninterrupted by disapproving parents.
I cannot think of a better kind of movie marathon to have!
I don’t want to alarm you guys but John Cusack is going full-on Nicholas Cage in some of his recent movie posters. http://indemand.com/shared/indemand/375333_lg.jpg…
I know and I don’t want to talk about it lalala can’t heeeear you
My favorite part of The Graduate is the very end, where Barry and Katya sit on the bus together and then the expressions on their faces don’t really do anything remarkable as the camera keeps rolling with them unawares, because cyborgs don’t show their emotions that way.
…and then Garmin and Psyfonkel sing about noone wants to listen to the Sounds of Grandpa.
My shitty high school boyfriend who wanted to be a “filmmaker” and mansplained to me about movies all the time made me watch The Graduate with him and then I broke up with him and went to college (…related???) and like a year later he told me that the movie inspired him to plan an elaborate surprise trip to my campus to “win me back.”
THANK GOD he was all talk because I would’ve had to laugh in his face in real time instead of a year after the fact and that would’ve been awkward.
BUT WHERE DO I WATCH IT? I just checked netflix and amazon prime and and and!
My least favorite part of The Graduate, a movie almost entirely composed of My Least Favorite Parts, is when it suddenly turns on Mrs. Robinson and she’s supposed to be this awful monster seahag all of a sudden (because of Old and Likes Sex, of course). Meanwhile, Elaine is basically a paper doll taped to a 2 x 4 with all the personality, drive, and human characteristics of the sound of the wind gently blowing through leaves. It is a movie that could not possibly be more dismissive of women if it tried.
In conclusion: Throw this movie away.
Seconded.
Additionally: Dustin Hoffman’s character does only horrible things to Elaine, but then she loooooooves him because she can magically see qualities in him that he never once evinces for the camera, even though we’re hanging out with him for pretty much the entire movie. I hope there is a scene immediately following the part where they get on the bus where she hops off the bus at an early stop and is all, “Well, thanks for rescuing me from stifling middle class ennui and all, I’m off to do rad things with the personality none of you have seen so far, laters.”
Yes. He’s terrible. Just … terrible. Honey, no. No. No no no no no. Pretty much the only thing good about that movie is that it led to this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4LtJtH5MuuM
(srry can’t mbed or whatever not good at internet)
I watched “The Graduate” when I was about 22 and although I did make it through the whole thing, I was super irritated by it. His ennui is boring, he’s too old, plus he’s totally creepy to his girlfriend. I called up my Mom and demanded an explanation for why she and my Dad loved that movie so much–ultimately I think it was fresh at the time but has spawned a lot of better young person-ennui movies since, so that it just seems stale and annoying now.
Also “Means Girls” addresses plastics way better than “The Graduate” does.
I watched “The Graduate” when I was about 22 and although I did make it through the whole thing, I was super irritated by it. His ennui is boring, he’s too old, plus he’s totally creepy to his girlfriend. I called up my Mom and demanded an explanation for why she and my Dad loved that movie so much–ultimately I think it was fresh at the time but has spawned a lot of better young person-ennui movies since, so that it just seems stale and annoying now.
The best thing to ever come out of The Graduate is this picture set:
http://cdn.twentytwowords.com/wp-content/uploads/…
(I am not clever enough to post the pic directly sorryyyyyyy)
Is that a Torchwood sign behind them in the first picture?
“That’s always a sign of a really good movie. [….] Probably they say it in Dead Poet’s Society[.]”
Mallory, NO. DPS starts out as a good movie but becomes a Bad Movie when Wilson kills himself, because THE STUPIDITY BY GOD NEIL YOU’RE ALMOST EIGHTEEN AND THEN YOU CAN TELL YOUR DAD TO GO FUCK HIMSELF, JESUS, JUST WAIT SIX MONTHS.
Ahem. It might have then been redeemed by either a) the students giving an actual show of support when there’s a chance they can save their teacher/while their parents are watching, or b) Peter Weir’s original ending emphasizing that the students are too cowardly to attempt even a symbolic rebellion.
YES, sex scenes in glass elevators, cross dressing Rob Lowe, a mischievous young John Cusack, 1980s boy school homoeroticism, a baby faced Andrew McCarthy.
I am HOWLING at your synopsis. I think I watched this alone one Christmas evening. After reading this, I’m craving a rewatch.
YES, sex scenes in glass elevators, cross dressing Rob Lowe, a mischievous young John Cusack, 1980s boy school homoeroticism, a baby faced Andrew McCarthy.
I am HOWLING at your synopsis. I think I watched this alone one Christmas evening. After reading this, I'm craving a rewatch.
I read this, I loved it because I have been pushing “Class” for years (and Virginia Madsen is one of the naked boarding school girls), then I went to the grocery store late last night, and saw three preppy 18 year old boys approach a middle-aged woman with a bowl-cut moving a pallet for stocking. “Hi,” the boldest one said (the Rob Lowe, if you will). “It’s Emma, right? Emma, could you tell me where the…ah…prophylactics are?” Emma answered him, no problem, but I had to run behind a Garnier end-cap to go laugh my ass off.
PROPHYLACTICS OMG awww precious lil babies with their safe sex and big words for condoms!
ALSO EVERYONE PLEASE GO WATCH “HEAVEN HELP US”.
I think we may be throwing a Genuine Actual Quality Movie baby out with some Outdated Filmic Depictions of Gender bathwater. If I started automatically dismissing everything that made me squirm a bit in relation to its treatment of lady characters I’d basically just be watching Tank Girl on repeat.