CRTC-Approved Canadian Pornography Scenarios -The Toast

CRTC-Approved Canadian Pornography Scenarios

ByNicole Cliffe

on July 2, 2014 in Advice

This post originally appeared on March 12, 2014.

In an attempt to encourage compliance with the CRTC’s strict guidelines for Canadian content (known as CanCon), the government has provided a detailed list of recommended plotlines for Canadian pornographic films.

(The Toast’s previous coverage of Canadian anthropological matters can be found here and here.)

A man bumps into a woman on the street. “Sorry!” says the woman. “No, no, it was my fault, entirely,” says the man. They go to a hotel and have sex while listening to Trooper’s “Raise a Little Hell.”

A Mountie in full dress uniform goes down on a member of the Edmonton Oilers. While the Oiler is distracted by his climax, the Mountie slaps a pair of handcuffs on him. “I always get my man,” he says, “and now we’re gonna watch Murdoch Mysteries together.”

“That’s a nice-looking cervix you’ve got there,” an ob-gyn says to his patient, winking. “I can tell you don’t have to prioritize buying groceries or paying student loans over your sexual health care.”

“I sure don’t,” she says. “But what a wildly inappropriate compliment to pay someone coming to you for gynecological care. I have every intention of reporting you to the relevant authority, which, here in Vancouver, is the College of Physicians and Surgeons of British Columbia.”

“Is there any way I can convince you not to?”

She pulls off her robe, and gestures to her lap:

“I think you’ll find this even more delectable than a butter tart.”

Just normal sex between two or three Canadians, but kd lang sits on a chesterfield in the background and sings all of the tracks from “Hymns of the 49th Parallel.”

“Ladies, I’m in the mood for a double-double, if you know what I mean.”

They pour him a Timmy’s with double cream and double sugar, which he takes home and shares with his gay husband, Rick Mercer.

A guy pretending to be Peter Mansbridge has sex with a lady pretending to be Cynthia Dale. The guy narrates his thrusting techniques sonorously while the lady sings songs from one of Cynthia’s many brilliant Stratford Festival musical performances.

Two ladies in blazers arrive at the Global Strategic Maple Syrup Reserve to solve our nation’s greatest crime, but the real crime turns out to be how they’ve stolen each other’s hearts. It gets…pretty messy.

This one is for BDSM-types:

Two people arrive at a closed door at the exact same time, neither opens it for the other.

Drake.

Nicole is an Editor of The Toast.

Comments (62)

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+32 Vote up Vote down

noodge4lyfe 109p · 577 weeks ago

"Is that beaver fapping?"

Maybe the best question I've asked anyone all week.

+7 Vote up Vote down

ipomoea 117p · 577 weeks ago

I would do a lot of dirty things with "Hymns of the 49th Parallel" in the background. It's just a great album!

+5 Vote up Vote down

literaltrousersnake · 577 weeks ago

too much! TOO MUCH, NICOLE. These are entirely too accurate!

+27 Vote up Vote down

erindubitably 121p · 577 weeks ago

I'm just grateful none of these involve cheese curds.

1 reply · active 577 weeks ago

+27 Vote up Vote down

mkpatter 114p · 577 weeks ago

These are incredible. CANADIAN PORN INDUSTRY, NICOLE CLIFFE HAS SOLVED ALL YOUR PROBLEMS.

Also, are butter tarts just a Canadian thing? I didn't know that.

5 replies · active 561 weeks ago

+86 Vote up Vote down

Toft 126p · 577 weeks ago

More BDSM: a pedestrian stands on the sidewalk looking as though he is thinking about crossing the street. A car goes by without stopping.

1 reply · active 577 weeks ago

+38 Vote up Vote down

lucywoodhull 122p · 577 weeks ago

Sigh. My dream of watching a Kids in the Hall gang bang comes to nothing yet again, eh?

+24 Vote up Vote down

dakimel 122p · 577 weeks ago

That dripping wet beavers tag is directly responsible for a painful laugh-snort-squee, thanks.

1 reply · active 577 weeks ago

+64 Vote up Vote down

aravisthequeen 134p · 577 weeks ago

Two Canadians slowly undress each other starting from the toque, ear warmers, etc., all the way down to the Stanfields and knee socks.

+24 Vote up Vote down

aravisthequeen 134p · 577 weeks ago

Canadians get Too Into glazing doughnuts and begin to glaze EACH OTHER.

1 reply · active 561 weeks ago

+29 Vote up Vote down

Jizzcliner 105p · 577 weeks ago

An erotically charged story of hijabi and a pure laine French-Canadian whose love could never be.

+121 Vote up Vote down

maccrocodile 144p · 577 weeks ago

Shouldn't this list be repeated in French?

8 replies · active 577 weeks ago

+16 Vote up Vote down

PonyAlong 102p · 577 weeks ago

A number of Vancouver-ites take Yoga and Lululemon to new, dizzying sexual heights. This could involve lusty fabric tearing in all the appropriate places and it goes down in the back of a sushi restaurant or on the Stanley Park sea wall.

+13 Vote up Vote down

super_novice 101p · 577 weeks ago

The RCMP Musical Ride puts a new slant on mounting and riding, while Anne Murray wisps about in the background singing "Snowbird."

+69 Vote up Vote down

GlowCloud 101p · 577 weeks ago

Two Canadians start having sex during a Heritage Minutes marathon. As they climax, both start shouting about burnt toast.

3 replies · active 577 weeks ago

+33 Vote up Vote down

chnellociraptor 114p · 577 weeks ago

Canadian Heritage Minutes XXX. I just made like 50 movies for you, porn industry.

1 reply · active 577 weeks ago

+52 Vote up Vote down

meetapossum 110p · 577 weeks ago

Speaking of Canada, I heard a musician described as a "Canadian misandrist lesbian cheerleader" today, so obviously I instantly thought of the Toast.

4 replies · active 577 weeks ago

+10 Vote up Vote down

logicbutton 128p · 577 weeks ago

I'm just here for the Mountie.

+14 Vote up Vote down

figwiggin 114p · 577 weeks ago

Proof I am American: I'd prefer an In-N-Out double-double over a Tim Horton's double-double.

4 replies · active 577 weeks ago

+17 Vote up Vote down

lilsebastian01 151p · 577 weeks ago

Drake is the perfect final item on this list. Just: Drake.

+1 Vote up Vote down

ejbaker13 117p · 577 weeks ago

Re: KD Lang - https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_deta...

+29 Vote up Vote down

Rianne 108p · 577 weeks ago

I refuse to believe that Mounties ever wear anything other than full dress uniform.

+19 Vote up Vote down

raqueue 115p · 577 weeks ago

A young couple is wandering about Parliament Hill at night -- they start having sex on the pavilion. The RCMP catches them ... and joins in!

+9 Vote up Vote down

Rianne 108p · 577 weeks ago

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=amM3Z2YgcKI

Sexiest k.d lang song ever.
My mother saw k.d. lang live in a high school gym in B.C. so long ago that she was wearing a skirt. My jealousy is unending.

1 reply · active 577 weeks ago

+42 Vote up Vote down

Rianne 108p · 577 weeks ago

Anne/Diana lesbian porn.

+4 Vote up Vote down

I smell burnt toast · 577 weeks ago

I haven't even finished reading and I need to express my love for this.

I did not know until very very recently that butter tarts are a Canadian food. I thought they were a fairly widespread food item, of an British-y background, like a scone or something. I'm so sheltered.

+25 Vote up Vote down

nicoledieker 113p · 577 weeks ago

All three seasons of Slings and Arrows.

+20 Vote up Vote down

galaxie_pres_de 94p · 577 weeks ago

Pierre Berton brings his canoe alongside. "I think" he intones "it's big enough for two."

1 reply · active 577 weeks ago

+3 Vote up Vote down

menunu 70p · 561 weeks ago

Agh how did I miss this the first time?! I love Canada.

+6 Vote up Vote down

AmazingSandwich 109p · 561 weeks ago

Being reminded that a Global Strategic Maple Syrup Reserve exists gladdens my heart just as much as learning it existed in the first place.

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