“A woman living on a remote farm up the road from me allegedly shot, killed and dismembered two men who were working for her, then fed the pieces to her pigs.”
“In the last issue we had the wrong phone number for master woodworker Wilson Jolly. The correct one is 334-415-8445.”
“My pickup hit a deer and killed it [on our first date]. When this happened, I thought to myself, this is a make-or-break moment. Arianna’s answer made it a make-it moment: ‘Let’s skin and butcher it. We can do it at my mother’s.’”
“Winemaking is a part of my survival mindset.”
“I think too many people have lost the ability to find food and water.”
“I like to save and mix this “scum” into my morning kefir.”
“Much as I love seed catalogs, my advice is to read them and then throw them away. They have no relationship to reality.”
“Are you ready for hard times? We are. The future belongs to those who prepare.”
“You can make money as a certified gunsmith in as little as 90 days without leaving home.”
“Mounds Of Fertility”
“Beehive frames can be very confusing.”
“Human hair (4- to 6-inch length)”
“Paralysis induced through a broken neck does not necessarily knock the bird unconscious.”
Photo caption: “The author enjoys a glass of mead in his dining room.”
“Suit yourself.”
“Ah yes, the collectors (also known as hoarders by their exasperated spouses).”
“The families lost their nonrefundable $500 deposits because, as it turns out, moving to rural Alaska is easier said than done.”
“It’s a lot of work, but if you’re afraid of work, you are wasting your time reading The New Pioneer Magazine.”
“Read a lot, search the internet, but don’t believe everything.”
“Ted Moews is arguably one of the leading designers of log homes in this country.”
“Make a No-Dig Worm Holder”
“If you’ve reached any tubes or bones, you’ve gone too far.”
“I don’t think growing vegetables will make us rich.”
“Now, I’m not saying that Jeremiah Johnson wouldn’t have used a chainsaw if he could have gotten his hands on one.”
“Most people find it easier to slice down the front of the neck, but that ruins the flap of skin that covers the neck hole when roasting.”
“These sacred objects were often guarded closely by wise men or priestesses. I like to use the stick that my dad passed along to me from his winemaking days.”
Photo caption: “Coco, a llama, does a good job protecting the goats.”
“You can fasten an ordinary office clipboard to your cleaning table to make the job of dressing pan fish much easier. The clip will hold the tail or head firmly while you scale or fillet your catch.”
“If you’ve never lived off-grid before, get ready for an abrupt change in lifestyle.”
“Wood.”
“Tiger lives the self-sufficient, rural lifestyle, and he knows the importance of defending loved ones and property until the authorities arrive.”
“If you’re a fair woodsman, you can go into the forest with only a felling axe and build a livable log cabin.”
“He knows more about scythes than anyone.”
“If you’re a fair hand at blacksmithing, you should be able to bang out the head in two or three hours using traditional methods.”
“When I was a kid, cars had carburetors, teachers could and did handle classroom problems without child therapists and lawyers, bib overalls were a utility uniform not a fashion statement, and the sight of a knife did not generate mass hysteria, terrified looks and horrified comments such as, ‘What are you carrying a weapon like that for?’”
Tags: “completely self-reli…[is fed cracked nuts]…ant”, magazines, off the grid, self-reliant living, the new pioneer:mallory::tatler:nicole, this is good advice for the most part, weird true tales
“Make a No-Dig Worm Holder”
Make a what now.
Also known as an empty can of Folgers.
Ah, mys soft, decadent city life will be the end of me, and the editors of New Pioneer will laugh.
“…you are wasting your time reading The New Pioneer Magazine.”
Truer words.
Also, thanks for providing Mr. Jolly’s phone number. It got deleted from my address book at some point.
“When I was a kid, cars had carburetors..” Does the writer have a problem with advances in engineering?
*checks the earlier quote about blacksmithing* Huh. I guess they do.
I would really like to see a picture of Coco the llama.
Well.. that llama looks pretty smug!
BLESS YOU for hunting this down.
Llamas exist in the continuum between “smug” and “royally pissed off.”
I’ll search through lines of code just for my fellow Toasties!
I think that is the llama’s natural state.
Being a llama must be kind of great.
I just _knew_ people had issues with the disappearance of carburetors. BRB gonna find an publisher for my 1000 word requiem on the death of carburetor.
My father has been known to go on about how you used to be able to lift the hood on your car, figure out what was wrong with it, and often fix it yourself, but now they are all so computerized you have to pay someone else to do it for you. It seems like these people might have similar complaints.
Thank you for bringing us that llama picture.
Both my parents make this complaint Every Single Time anything car related comes up. Repeatedly. Constantly.
I think I’m married to your father. Is he 40? Or am I married to an anachronism? This is a common complaint in my house.
Ugh the ‘child therapist’ part of the quote rankles me so much. I suffered a lot of childhood trauma because I’m from a place where therapy and psychiatry are seen as services for the morally weak or narcissistic. I just want to through these people out a window.
The two llamas I know remind me of really judge-y but fabulous drag queens*, always looking down on me with their incredibly long eye lashes, blackened eyes, shaggy bangs and slightly pursed mouths. I always up end feeling slightly dismayed over my appearance whenever I walk past them.
That said, I love them for exactly that attitude and gleefully hand out alfalfa cubes to “Cedar” who takes said treat with the softest, daintiest little lips ever.
*is that an offensive term? Total apologies if so!
Only if you call someone who isn’t in drag a drag queen. A translady with rightfully give you a black eye, for example.
Phew! Thanks for the clarification! Wait…the llamas aren’t in drag, they’re llamas. Am I still in the clear? I’m asking in all seriousness.
Sent from my iPad
I cannot speak for the llamas.
But I imagine they’d continue throwing you some serious shade regardless of how you referred to them.
Aw, Jeez. Then I’m in the wrong, my sincere apologies.
Sent from my iPad
No I just meant llamas are temperamental assholes who are always out to spit on someone. And that, you know…they’re llamas?
If it bothers you to think you’re casting aspersions on drag queens then don’t. But I think there’s a difference between “These llamas look like they’re wearing heavy glamourous make-up, like drag queens” and “These drag queens look like llamas.”
Double Phew! I wasn’t casting aspirations, honest. And I can’t speak for every llama, but these two llamas are total sweethearts, as llamas go (alfalfa cubes go a long way in llama speak). Well, at least, one is; the other….I wouldn’t turn my back on him, he’s a sneaky kind of llama. But fun to watch, nevertheless!
Sent from my iPad
Llamas fucking LOVE hanging out with goats and sheep, because they are herd animals, in a herd, this is great how we’re all in a herd together! Then a predator comes and the llama fronts at it and then kicks the shit out of it. (It occurs to me that this is not actually fronting, as the llama can back up it’s assertions of fierceness.) The llama is the best member of the herd! So happy!
“You can make money as a certified gunsmith in as little as 90 days without leaving home.”
Well now I’m starting my new life as a shut-in gunsmith.
I know, right? There’s something slightly alluring to it; I like the idea of attending antique gun shows with my ultra cool lady gunsmith booth. I’d wear ALL the black smithing chaps and flirt outrageously with show-goers.
Some people see themselves in the action hero, or the villain; me, I wanna be the crazy Vietnam vet supporting character with no legs who keeps the immense secret arsenal hidden behind a fake wall
That pig lady is from here! Southern Oregon. http://www.mailtribune.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?…
Best line from that article: “Jackson County Sheriff’s Department spokeswoman Andrea Carlson said she couldn’t say whether investigators believe Monica’s pigs played any role in the alleged crimes.”
Arianna sounds like a badass.
I am also piqued by the use of the passive voice there. “My pickup hit a deer and killed it.” Not “I hit and killed a deer in my pickup.” Sneakily using grammar to shuffle off one’s responsibility for and involvement in events and incidents.
“Mistakes were made” is my favorite phrase to deny responsibility.
Who made the mistakes? No one knows. They just happened.
[Thank you, Call of Duty, for introducing this phrase into my life as I accidentally fall over the edge in 349083298 stages.]
At least 65% of my deaths in Halo 4 were “walked backwards off a high ledge.”
Sneakily shifting responsibility, yes, but there’s nothing passive about “My pickup (subject) hit (transitive verb) a deer (direct object) and killed (transitive verb) it (direct object).”
*runs off dodging Mallory’s rugged, homemade anti-pedant installation (can be made with traditional blacksmithing techniques in an afternoon and easily installed on the roof of your hand-adzed log cabin)*
Gaaaaahhhhhhh I can feel my Latin grammar prof sighing in disappointment at me over that mistake.
People don’t kill deer, pickups (driven by people) kill deer.
If I had the ability to not hit a deer, do you think I’d have a bodywork guy with a hammer and a pressure washer (for intestines) in my phone, under his first name?
This article is bringing out my inner redneck, so I might be a tad combative. But the pickup and the deer have a mutual death pact, your job is to avoid like 80% of the attempted accidents.
Your car’s a keeper if the worst you get from a six-pointer banzai-charging it at 60mph is a bit of body damage, out here we just only get cheap cars with a few years of life left ’cause sooner or later you’re leaving it on the roadside when it and the local fauna inextricably become one.
The truck is from 1970; it is mostly stainless steel. It also doesn’t like to go more than 50mph.
He’s simply being precise. This is the deer he ran over in his truck, not the one he punched out leaning out the window of his truck.
After a lot of sobbing and soul-searching, I can honestly say that my one deer-killing incident was completely passive on my part. Although I would write it more as “A deer randomly bounded out of the woods right into the SIDE of my pickup, smashing its head through the window.” (it’s HEAD. In the cab of my truck. Possibly alive, possibly not, I wasn’t really in a state to say).
I was even driving at a sedate speed (foggy morning). That deer either wanted to die, or wanted to kill me and was willing to die in the attempt. I was PASSIVE in that event. Absolutely. And possibly Arianna’s beau was as well.
I got all excited about a subscription I could get my dad for his next birthday, until I got to: “Winemaking is a part of my survival mindset.” Who knew he was already a contributor?
Oh my god, New Frontier Dad Magazine
“How To Get Your Kids to Pay Attention to the Extremely Important Details of Woodworking You Keep Telling Them.”
Best Area Garage Sales for Antique Handplanes and Rusty Hammers
Poll Results: Best Pneumatic Log Splitter of 2014
Have You SEEN What Your Mother Bought For Her Horse??
Chicken Coops: Starting From Scratch
And…I got nothing else.
Llamas guard the sheep here in Virginia. If one drives out to Harrisonburg, VA to visit a child away at school, one can view lovely flocks of sheep in the fields with Guard Llamas standing sentinel. The farmer at the fair said the llamas scare the crap out of rogue dogs, coyotes and other predators.
Guard Llamas are the best thing I’ve heard about in possibly ever.
I hope they get little berets to underline their Guardliness.
Best I could find:
Fantastic!
I wanna hang with that llama.
Check out donkeys as livestock guardians, too. Total ass kickers (dammit, I could have added that title to New Frontier Dad Magazine).
Herd friends!
I give you 4H Llama and Alpaca Obstacle Courses: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38sWu5xtsGk
These can definitely be seen at the Evergreen State Fair in Monroe, Wa, and other proper 4H containing state and county fairs throughout the US
In my corner of Australia, a lot of winemakers keep guinea-fowl in their vineyards to control the insect populations that would otherwise destroy the vines, and it’s common practice for them to have a peacock as well, to protect the guinea-fowl from being preyed upon by foxes and wild dogs.
At least one guinea-fowl breeder/seller trains his birds, before selling them, to nest in trees at night in order to avoid predators.
(Isn’t the world goddamn amazing? It’s goddamn amazing.)
When my husband still lived with his parents (so I think this was when he was 20 or so), he came home from partying one night and a guinea hen flew out at him from an alcove in the porch. He said it was terrifying for a the few minutes it took his drunken mind to remember that the neighbour one field over kept guinea hens to keep his yard clear of various insects.
That clipboard fishtail thing though. *makes note*
“Much as I love seed catalogs, my advice is to read them and then throw them away. They have no relationship to reality.”
I really want to post that picture of the penis tree (you know the one) but I can’t figure out a way to safely search for it on a work computer.
Oh man I hope I did this right.
You are my favorite person this afternoon. Have a picture of a llama (could be an alpaca?) wearing daisy deely-boppers.
The penis tree lives!
Yes, this is good solid advice. Especially about the “New Introductions!” they never do what they say they will do (in your particular area, I’m sure they’re great wherever they were test-grown.)
Llamas being good guard animals is 100% true.They’re better for that than for their fibre, apparently. (My aunt and uncle have an alpaca farm, they used to have a llama guard them before they got a dog.)
For whatever reason I read “fibre” as, like, moral fiber rather than their coats. Seemed reasonable to me. Good guard animals but morally unsound, I can get behind that.
I was thinking fiber as in “it’ll make you poop.” So many reasonable interpretations.
“Much as I love seed catalogs, my advice is to read them and then throw them away. They have no relationship to reality.”
“It has been a common saying of physicians in England, that a cucumber should be well sliced, and dressed with pepper and vinegar, and then thrown out, as good for nothing.” (Says Samuel Johnson.)
I love lexicography, but Samuel Johnson is dead to me (as well as in reality, I suppose) for having said that.
I know, right? But it seems that those who hold Johnson and cucumbers in equal esteem can rest easy; he was just passing the physicians’ opinions along, not endorsing it: http://books.google.com/books?id=xvwaAAAAYAAJ&… (I can’t believe I never looked for the context before.)
“ALLEGEDLY shot, killed, and dismembered two men.” Nobody ’round these parts really knows for sure, but until we get that posse together you’d best stay away from that lady’s bacon.
Always remember the three Ses of Southern hospitality: shoot, shovel, and shut up.
Are you here to solve my ketchup problem?
True facts about seed catalogues.
This is glorious.
Is it wrong that I now actually want to go subscribe to New Pioneer because I feel like they might be able to help me solve this problem I’ve been having with getting my sourdough sponge started?
Country wisdom for sourdough also comes in handy pamphlet form: http://books.google.com/books?id=8KWYcTeM8osC&…
I am one of these people. (Well not the murdering pig-feeding lady, but most of the others.)
the name for the Grim Reaper in Dutch is “Magere Hein” which just means “Skinny Hein” (Hein being a name). Not very intimidating, Dutch people.
I love the one New Pioneer magazine I bought on a whim because you can take it seriously or read it with a barmy mindset. Both work, honestly.
“I like to save and mix this “scum” into my morning kefir.”
I had no idea that there were rural versions of the urban kombucha sipping class.
I am completely horrified by this: “Paralysis induced through a broken neck does not necessarily knock the bird unconscious.”
Guys, my dog caught a grouse last month and brought it up to us all happy and proud of herself and she had broken its neck and I thought “well at least it died a quick and painless death,” and then vetoed my husband’s plan to cook it and eat it and instead threw it away and now I am going to be forever haunted by the idea that the grouse was conscious and in pain the whole time, and died a terrible death full of fearsome dog mouths and looming humans and black trashcans and agony.
Needs more beets.
Mead is pretty great. Enjoying a glass of it in one’s dining room sounds eminently reasonable to me.
I know, right? But it seems that those who hold Johnson and cucumbers in equal esteem can rest easy; he was just passing the physicians' opinions along, not endorsing it: http://books.google.com/books?id=xvwaAAAAYAAJ&… (I can't believe I never looked for the context before.)
“Jeremiah Johnson”
“Most people find it easier to slice down the front of the neck, but that ruins the flap of skin that covers the neck hole when roasting.” Oh good god.