Yoga Mantras For Jerks -The Toast

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yoga“Set an intention of shutting up.”

“Close your heart. Tighter. Tighter than that. Close your heart within you.”

“Send your breath into your lungs, which is the only place your breath can go.”

“Do nothing with your sitbones.”

“Ignore your comfort level. Your comfort level is holding you back. Leave it all on the mat.”

“Feel free to ignore the breath here.”

“Oh, how odd. There appears to be no divine light within you at all.”

“It’s pretty much the same as CrossFit, actually.”

“There’s nothing very special about the present moment. Feel free to think about the past or the future, whichever you prefer.”

“Fix your gaze on someone else taking this class who is more attractive than you. Do your best to live up to their example.”

“It’s embarrassing if you have to go back to Child Pose during this next movement.”

“Close your hips. You look ridiculous.”

“Worrying will help you solve problems.”

“I am going to chant now. I do not invite you to join me. I invite you to cultivate silence.”

“Remember that this is your practice, and it reflects poorly on you when you fall during Pigeon Pose.”

“If you’re not doing it perfectly, you might as well not do it at all.”

“Breathe in tension. Don’t breathe out. Hold onto the tension. It will help you focus. Relaxing is for winners.”

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