– It’s the future and they take your thumbs when you get divorced
– Evil car culture
– A man discovers Fargo was real
– A man discovers where the feminists bury the bodies, is killed
– A man who prefers rap music to Creedence is doomed
– A knitting circle accidentally casts a spell
– Postman gets stuck in yard with angry dog, forever
– An old man finally buys a smartphone. Smartphone psychic, dispensing terrible omens
– A joyriding punk discovers a muscle car made out of muscle
– Jim Morrison only person to show up to Doors fan’s birthday party. Surprise: He’s the grim reaper, fan is dead.
– An old woman speaks in ominous gibberish
– A woman switches coffee brands – terrible consequences
– A cloud of smoke looks like an animal, briefly
– Maine is full of sadists
– A man addicted to nostalgia
– Texas is full of sadists, with trite nicknames
– An old jukebox won’t stop playing Creedence
– A milkman keeps seeing a cow down the road from his house
– A lonely man with a whimsical job falls in love with his phone
– The malt shop seems so innocent… and yet
Tags: books, horror, humor, john thompson, perfect thing is perfect, stephen king
Related Posts
Karl Ove Knausgaard Reviews Everything Else In America
Great House Therapy: Elizabeth & Darcy’s Neither Formal Nor Falsely Adorned Pad of Privilege
Reasons I Would Make An Excellent Feudal Vassal And You Should Consider Me For The Position
Inspirational Quotes from Acclaimed Relationship Expert Niccolò Machiavelli
Syllabus For The Course On “Camp Heterosexuality” I Have Not Yet Been Asked To Teach
In Defense of Pat Gardiner, Everyone’s Least Favorite L.M. Montgomery Heroine
“A man discovers where the feminists bury the bodies, is killed”
I’m so happy Stephen saw reason about this and kept our little secret on the DL
That one was where I started laughing out loud. A (male) coworker asked what i was laughing at, and I replied “there is no way you will find it funny”.
-Baseball. Baseball? Baseball baseball: baseball Red Sox baseball, baseball Bosox Sox. Red…baseball Sox. “Baseball baseball baseball,” baseball baseball. Baseball.
-Rock ‘n’ Roll!
Perfect thing IS perfect. I would think “Multijointed finger comes out of bathroom sink drain” should be on this list, but no, it’s real and really far more creepy than it had any right to be.
I could not walk past my kitchen in the dark for MONTHS after reading that.
I can’t be the only one who read these and started thinking, ‘ooh, I could do something with that…’
Also, I’m very impressed that you have a houseplant. I’m good at keeping them alive in the garden, but if I have one in the house for any length of time, it’s doomed.
“A knitting circle accidentally casts a spell”
DIBS!
what sort of knitting circle accidentally does anything.
Aloe Vera! Imminently useful and you really need murderous intent to even have a chance at killing off one of those things. Peace lilies too! Just water when they start to sag.
Aloe vera! I will steal some from my parents next time I visit 🙂
What if an action figure… was evil
What if a coffee mug… was evil
What if Microsoft Word… was evil
What if a stapler… was evil
What if… um… the top of a desk? Was evil.
That third one…true horror right there.
The scariest stories are always the realistic ones
There is an actual, real, published Stephen King story called “Word Processor of the Gods” which is basically #3. I think the story kind of sucked though, so a new version may be in order.
Aw, I kinda like Word Processor of the Gods. The ending is a little trite and sappy, though.
Yeah, I guess my problem with it was that the word processor was not nearly evil ENOUGH.
http://windows95tips.com/
We all know that Clippy has his Dark Side
“For my 307th book, a couple is attacked by…a lamp monster! OooOOOooo!”
The third one wouldn’t be on his list, because he writes fiction; he doesn’t write true stories.
The paperclip WAS evil. I hated that little fucker.
#3 can’t be a Stephen King novel … because its TRUE! MS Word IS evil!
(I prefer LibreOffice Writer myself)
-The Texas thing is pretty much true
-I would totally read the knitting circle one
Side note: Thank you Toasties who gave me King recs and advice during the Open Thread a few weeks ago! I finished Salem’s Lot (the vampires showed up. It was still supes boring unless you really love white men problems. And he used the word “testicles” constantly.) I think it’ll be a while before I tackle another one of his.
I love Stephen King but I actually hate Salem’s Lot so, so much. If you want to read one of his great lady-centric books, try Lisey’s Story, Rose Madder (my personal fav and beautifully misandrist), or Gerald’s Game.
Salem’s Lot, blech. I should not be bored during a horror novel!
Gerald’s Game creeped me out so effing badly I can’t even begin to enumerate all the ways. (I will also still vouch for Full Dark, No Stars, because the story “A Good Marriage” in that has a really interesting female protagonist.)
I freaking love Rose Madder.
Accurate only if you preface every bullet point with “A writer in Maine discovers that…”
Never Once Rejected Stephen King Story Idea:
Weird kid turns out to be psychic
Johhhhnnn <3
Hey girl
I’m going to visit Denver in April or March, so you know, be prepared for hangouts.
Of course!
“A knitting circle accidentally casts a spell” – I would absolutely read this AND watch the tv series.
Also, the coffee one hits quite close to home. Coffee disloyalty does indeed have consequences. And they are dire.
Stitch and Witch. Coming to ABC this Fall.
” Surprise: He’s the grim reaper, fan is dead.” I can’t even handle this.
“A joyriding punk discovers a muscle car made out of muscle”: this is alllllmost “The Road Virus Heads North”. Almost.
I’m really digging the idea that Her was an adaptation of an abandoned first half of a King manuscript, which was missing the “…was evil” part of the story.
(Disclaimer: I have not seen Her.)
Just a muggy Sunday afternoon in August with all the dads out on the cul-de-sac working on their sentient hellcars
Yeeeap this here’s my ’76 Ventura, got her fixed up like brand new. Found this beauty sittin’ out in the junkyard, transmission was busted all to hell after it tried to eat a teenager but the frame was still good. Mostly sits under the tarp these days ’cause the fuel efficiency’s real bad, every once in a while I like to take ‘er out for a spin and run over everyone who happens to stop by an anonymous truckstop in the middle of nowhere.
NOT ENOUGH “AYUH”
How about if we all go write “Knitting circle accidentally casts a spell”, then all come back to this comment thread and post our versions one week from today? Say 1000 word limit?
Can this not be a joke though?
Oh it totally is not a joke! See you Wednesday August 20, 2014!
Look above this comment for my version
My version:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/14n51fWiM2ceJK…
Your story is awesome! I kind of wrote something as well, but I had a deadline for a fiction piece so I just kind of crammed the idea into the background of the piece I already was working on. (I’ll share the link to the story I wrote when its published, if I remember!) I’m going to have a go now at writing one with the knitting circle as the central idea.
(Oh man, toast community = best community?)
My story was published! Like I said, the knitting circle idea is only kind of slightly worked in there, but I’m planning on expanding upon it. 😉 http://feminartsy.com/?p=297
Congratulations, that’s awesome!
Wow, I really really like that story!
Wow, yeah, that was really good!
My mom used to give me her Stephen King novels when I was 8 because I was reading through “age appropriate” books faster than I could reasonably check them out of the library. I… don’t know why my mom thought it was okay for an 8 year old to read Stephen King.
I read the beginning of Cell the other day and was like “you… are really running out of ways to kill off 99% of the population.” Next: uh, all PILLOWS become sentient & tell everyone who tried to sleep within a 24 hour period to kill themselves!
needs more reformed alcoholics.
“A knitting circle accidentally casts a spell”
Patricia McKillip wrote that book. It’s called Solstice Wood.
I’m going to go track this down IMMEDIATELY.
I have never read a Stephen King book, but I love these.
At first I read “an old jukebox won’t stop playing Creed” and was like: HORROR INDEED.
I’m not one for classic rock (more of a Quiet Storm man when it comes to my oldies) but I do like Creedence. They were phonies in some sense (californians doing the southern rock thing) but for some reason Rolling Stone (back when it was the P4k of its day) always HATED them and buried them while pushing Jefferson Airplane or Humble Pie or w/e. So I think of them as underdogs who could write a pretty mean song now and again.
Yeah, I love CCR – my mom had them on in the house a lot when I was growing up.
Another awesome thing: my town has a cover band – Creedence Queerwater Revival – and it’s totally awesome.
STOP. That is amazing.
Ahem:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDmyuba4VD0 (Susie Q, at Rock for Roe)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A95Wn5I-8NM (Down On The Corner, same event)
And this is why everyone should come to Durham, NC.
I can actually see him writing an eight page short story about pillows becoming sentient and killing people. It’d be creepy as shit, relentlessly grim and because it’d be eight pages long, he wouldn’t have time for all the gibberish that tends to muck up his novels. Also, the main character (an alcoholic struggling writer) would die.
“– A knitting circle accidentally casts a spell”
I would read the hell out of this.
Desperation’s gotta be one o’my favorites. Then, againagain I love all of his works, I read him since the age of 13. Only one book fell in the dislike basket, that has to be Insomnia… sorry Steve!
Keep reading guys & gals,
Pomy Collingwood
A serial killer once told me that you can't please all of your victims' all of the time. I think it's the same with authors like King. Love him or hate him, he writes some good stuff.