0-1 months
- Capable of babbling at parents and other familiar figures
- Often seen speaking to a presence invisible
- Vocalizations come from someplace deeper and more primal than the throat
- Caul of silk appears around the face
- Soul impermanence
1-3 months
- Begins holding grudges and crafting crude effigies
- Sudden changes in breathing
- Minor shapeshifting
- Laughs at the tragically comic
- Skin very hot, too hot
4-6 months
- Hides in chimney for upwards of 2-3 weeks at a time
- Witch hands
- Discontented and wearisome; groans a heavy groan and sighs a heavy sign
- Shadow doubles may appear
- Time abyss
- Feathers in lungs
- Ceases to experience delight
- Begins propping self up on elbows and handling small knives
6 months-1 year
- All clocks stop when child enters a room
- Speaks backwards
- Moon allergy
- Heart often vanishes
- Hair takes on shape of Witch’s Ladder
- Can’t touch iron
- Everything hurts
- Demonstrates independence by starting quarrels with the Cunning Folk
- Appearance of Vengeance Limbs
1 year-18 months
- First appearance of blood teeth
- Imagination becomes real
- Eyes no longer close
- Magic transitions from white to “grey”
- Can no longer be bound by cords or knots
- Dwells in the dirt
- Raccoon hands
- Haunted by Memory Twin
- Can draw simple shapes, then jump through them into strange worlds beyond
- Gains ability to cross running water
18 months-3 years
- CLASSIFIED
Tags: child development, children, everything is normal and good, family, growing up, normal feelings normal smile, normal normal normal, normal people doing normal things, normal things
D:
This gives me deep, genuine satisfaction
Yes, I used to work at a nursery/preschool with infants and toddlers, and these were all totally common! It was really hard having to set up dates with specialists and parents to draw up support plans, if Vengeance limbs weren’t coming through yet, or if they weren’t able to jump into their shadow realm through their drawings, as a lot of parents would blame us (OR VACCINES) if little Matilda or Barnaby didn’t get their raccoon hands in on time.
Then again, every child hits milestones at different paces, obviously, so it’d get really tiresome when parents would start one-upping each other with blood-teething stories. We get it, assholes, your kid got its blood-teeth at 9 months. Whoopdee-fuckin-doo.
“Does his father have a small Vengeance limb?”
Ugh, these issues would be totally avoidable if parents just stuck to a regimented placenta eating schedule. It’s not that hard, people!
“Begins propping self up on elbows and handling small knives”
I mean, I don’ wanna be one of those parents who brags about their kid, but my son was doing this at 2 1/2 months.
…and from three on is really when our earliest memories start, right? so all us witch-baby devil-children remember what we’ve been up to since then… 🙂
THE TAGS ON THIS dear god
they appear to have been totally routine for _mallory_.
Casual casual super-casual.
They read like a cry for help.
Fantastic. I especially love the tags. But where’s the “how many times will we use this picture of a changeling baby THAT’S FOR US TO KNOW AND YOU TO FIND OUT” tag?
That’s not what a regular baby looks like?
my baby developed her first blood teeth at nine months and had feathers in her lungs from birth, lol! i think it’s because i had a totally natural birth 🙂
–every comment on every parenting site ever
It’s a well-known fact that breastfed babies develop raccoon hands faster than formula fed babies.
They all still grow up to be lazy, useless assholes, though.
Childbirth becomes fun when you have a doula attending you!!!
Also the doula can step in and stop the obstetrician doing anything rash if the baby comes out with a wrong shadow and a crackling veil of power!
You can completely find a great doula on Yelp these days! It’s the old world meets the new!
Seriously, it’s amazing what essential oils, hypnosis, and placenta chili can accomplish for enlightened mamas and babies :).
Mallory, in all seriousness, your descriptions of magic in this and other posts are so damn good & chilling that I really, really wanna read a fantasy novel about witches and faeries from you.
seconded
thirded
Two Monks and the Witch Hands
Two Monks and the Mysterious Island
Two Monks and the Gryphon
I really enjoy how many things on this site list “soul impermanence” as a symptom.
I know I felt very judged when mini Wren did not have Witch Ladder hair or disappear up the chimney. I mean, it’s not MY fault my child has short hair, or that we don’t have a chimney.
Oh come on. Chimney’s aren’t exactly a scarce resource now are they? I mean, sure, children can survive without a chimney. But really, where are your priorities at? Don’t you want to give your witch the best start in life?
*sob* I’m doing my best!! Despite these deficiencies, though, she IS ahead for her age in her ability to bring her imagination to reality and jump through portals to Worlds Beyond, so I feel somewhat vindicated in that regard.
Why don’t you try give your local Plunket a call? I’m sure they can help rectify the situation. All of my friends donate their used chimneys, burnt cots and strangling blankets there. The women are really very nice – I myself volunteer when my little sailor is off at Fey school.
I mean, I’m not trying to judge your choices as a parent, but if you’d breastfed your child then she’d probably be able to make a chimney out of dust and the tears of dying men.
I swear, co-sleeping and devouring my own vegan organic breast milk cheese worked wonders for helping my little one’s raccoon hands develop.
As I clicked the Facebook Like icon for this piece I heard high-pitched, echoing laughter reverberate from an unknown female voice, the owner of which I could not see. WHAT HAVE I DONE
Just want to be clear that this is something that actually happened. I worked on a mostly empty floor of an academic space. Still don’t know who laughed. >_>
You should probably leave the building immediately. But then again it’s already too late ¯_(ツ)_/¯
My parents just visited and of course they had to tell embarrassing baby stories to my boyfriend, like my first words, how easy the labor was, and how I was born with spindly, nearly transparent witch hands and furry, pointed ears. Parents, right?! No matter how successful you become I think a part of them always thinks of you as a small, mewling bundle of unclear origin and species.
I’m 31 and still don’t have my blood teeth?
Good heavens, whatever would a man even do with blood teeth?
this… is a good point.
EDIT real answer: brag about how big they are without ever learning to use them properly
Your mama didn’t breastfeed you, did she? It’s so sad that some parents just don’t care :(.
18 months-3 years
CLASSIFIED
Yep, that pretty much explains my toddlers’ behaviour right now. Ugh.
My triplets are about to turn 4 in a few months & I swear it is like they’ve been returned by the Fair Folk & I’ve had grumpy changelings this whole time.
Oh, yikes, triplets! I’m sure three times four year olds – compared to three year olds – is a huge thing to look forward to! (My older daughter likes to remind me about the ‘naughty stuff’ she used to do. ‘You know. Back when I was three.’ I like to remind her she’s six now and I’m still waiting for some improvement… )
Vengeance limbs were still easier to deal with than molars tbh
I’ve started to see that terrifying illustration in my feeds as the sign of something _deeply promising_ to read.
Pretty sure my six-month-old is working on her blood teeth right this very second.
Raccoon hands seem like a step backward from witch hands.
Well they don’t…they don’t replace the witch hands. They start to sprout after you learn to fold the witch hands away when you’re not hexing people with them.
Just sent this to a friend who gave birth last week after a fifty-hour labor, so *dusts off hands*
My brother and SIL are having their first baby in January, and I just sent this to him and said “Just so you’re prepared.”
He responded with “We need many copies [of this] posted throughout time and space… Ya don’t wanna get hit upside the head with an unexpected vengeance limb”, so I think they’re going to do just fine.
They say that when a baby starts speaking to a presence invisible in the night, you shouldnt go in to stop them as the best thing to do is to leave them in the shadows conversing softly until they tire and sleep. But I dont know, am I being cruel to my baby?
You mean giving birth on an island in a river and leaving the creature behind isn’t a permanent child care solution?
Shit.
Well, you can TRY to leave it behind but by the time you get home it will probably be there, waiting…
This is why we need comprehensive sex ed in school. No one ever told me babies would grow up to cross running water.
Aw, yeah, I actually remember from my pre-brith awareness the anticipation of my first vengeance limbs. I was fairly pleased with them, though disappointed that it takes several years for the full array of articulate joints to become mobile.
I am a Professor of Early Childhood Education and I approve this developmental checklist.
raccoons are the witches of animals
also possums
Possum foot.
Eeeeeeeeek!
Mallory, WHAT WAS YOUR CHILDHOOD LIKE?
(I assume lots and lots of fevers, because every evil spawnlet you limn in your Horrifying Childhood Tales has hot, hot skin.)
Fourthed! GIVE US A DARK, QUIRKY, AND UNSETTLING FANTASY NOVEL, MALLORY!!!
Fifth… of whiskey. *sips*
I, for one, cannot wait to have a child. For the shadow doubles alone!
My best friend is due in ~3 weeks. I just sent this to her, subject title “helpful!”
i am the best/worst friend.
I can’t wait for the day when my future child and I are able to craft crude effigies together. Think of the bonding!
Demon spawn aside, I’ve become somewhat concerned about Mallory’s literary output. No human can truly be this prolific; either Mallory has made an unholy pact to exchange sleep for perfectly-wrought authorial gems, or she herself is actually a shadowy being from beyond that great chasm which separates our world from the unknowable horrors of a multitude of shadow universes.
NB: this comment is poorly-written, because I have had a week from hell and am barely functioning.
*chuckles* Yeah, I was such a late bloomer with my revenge limbs. My sister got hers right on time, but there I was, one and a half years old and still no revenge limbs, and my mom was getting worried, let me tell ya. But they came in ok, I got ’em a few months after that. Haha. Kids are all a little different, y’know? Some kids are just late bloomers.
A true, somewhat related story: I once had a boss try to show me and my co-worker his wife’s dried placenta during a work function. I bit the inside of my cheek so hard that I almost drew blood so I wouldn’t laugh, while my Korean, very Presbyterian co-worker politely declined for us. He responded by informing her that, “It’s an Eastern tradition, you know.” There is no human culture in the world besides wealthy, white Californians who have ever eaten their own placentas, but if his child develops blood teeth and witch hands then it will all have been worth it.
should i consult a doctor if “can’t touch iron” and “everything hurts” still haven’t cleared up by my 20th birthday?
Just be careful not to impose unrealistic goals on your child. Just because it forced you to have an underwater delivery and its Squid didn’t went away until the child was six years old, it doesn’t mean it’s a shoe in for Harvard.
i miss the witch hands, such a cute age!
i miss the witch hands, such a cute age!
Do you live in Night Vale?
I was just going to say that…
Good night, Night Vale. Good night.
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