Jess Mariano Is Josie Pye: Your Definitive Character Guide To Stars Hollow and Avonlea -The Toast

Jess Mariano Is Josie Pye: Your Definitive Character Guide To Stars Hollow and Avonlea

ByDaniel Mallory Ortberg

on October 15, 2014 in Books

Lorelai Gilmore (Phil Gordon)

“Philippa was a lively personage, infamous for her indecision, and loved wherever she went due to her extreme beauty, mirth and comicality.” Sounds about right.

Rory Gilmore (Anne of Green Gables)

A weakness for reading and braids and hypersensitivity.

Paris Gellar (Gilbert Blythe)

I should not have to remind you that Paris and Rory are canon.

Emily Gilmore (Miss Josephine Barry)

She’s not Marilla, that’s for certain. She warms up to her Anne, but that doesn’t set off a chain reaction of warmth and character development. She stays rich, and old, and mostly mean.

Richard Gilmore (Matthew Cuthbert)

MATTHEW.

Luke Danes (Marilla Cuthbert)

HERE is your Marilla. A crusty exterior that belies a gooey, gushing heart? Check. A propensity for womanish reading glasses in later seasons? Check. Talks a big game about NO CELL PHONES and GET OUT FROM BEHIND MY COUNTER SOOKIE but ready to build you a chuppah for your wedding at a moment’s notice? Check, check, and check.

Dean Forester (Diana Barry)

Simple! Simple, pretty, and a little bit of a drip.

Lane Kim (Ruby Gillis)

Both killed off before their time. “Mallory, are you suggesting that early marriage and parenthood is the same thing as dying of consumption?” IT WAS FOR LANE. LANE SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN AN ABORTION AND GONE ON TOUR TO EUROPE. I’M SORRY FOR WHAT THEY DID TO YOU, LANE.

Jess Mariano (Josie Pye)

“A classmate generally disliked by the other girls. Josie is vain, dishonest and jealous of Anne’s popularity.”

Sounds.
About.
Right.

Tristan DuGrey (Jen Pringle)

Garden-variety bitches.

Sookie St. James (Muriel Stacey)

Their smiles! Their smiles could turn on the sun, and I love them both, and there is no meanness in either of their hearts.

Taylor Doose (Rachel Lynde)

YOU KNOW I’M RIGHT

Kirk Gleason (I CANNOT FIGURE KIRK OUT, PLEASE HELP)

Christopher Hayden (Royal Gardner/Morgan Harris)

Sort of charming, but as human beings go, unnecessary.

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.

Comments (102)

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+65 Vote up Vote down

blunderbusst 102p · 546 weeks ago

There is no explaining Kirk.

3 replies · active 546 weeks ago

+68 Vote up Vote down

dianabhurlburt 96p · 546 weeks ago

Kirk. Charlie Sloane? Gleasonosity could be comparable to Sloanishness.

2 replies · active 545 weeks ago

+41 Vote up Vote down

Passing_Strange 101p · 546 weeks ago

This works so well I can't even. Think of Paris/Gilbert and Rory/Anne and the romantic tension as they compete to be top of the class! The way Dean:Diana just kind of nods along at some of Rory/Anne's antics, but finds them endearing anyway!

2 replies · active 546 weeks ago

+45 Vote up Vote down

zizzivivizz 103p · 546 weeks ago

Kirk=Moody Spurgeon McPherson?

4 replies · active 546 weeks ago

+50 Vote up Vote down

Becca · 546 weeks ago

This is glorious. However, my biggest takeaway is...KIRK HAD A LAST NAME?

I'll just be over here, reassembling my brain.

+10 Vote up Vote down

Claire Helene · 546 weeks ago

THIS IS MY EVERYTHING. Seriously wonderful. And I agree, there is no explaining Kirk, and truly no need.

+9 Vote up Vote down

Rianne 108p · 546 weeks ago

Nobody can figure Kirk out, it's okay.

+63 Vote up Vote down

Rianne 108p · 546 weeks ago

I constantly mourn for Lane.

2 replies · active 546 weeks ago

+12 Vote up Vote down

Alisha · 546 weeks ago

Ah I would have pegged Logan as Royal but yeah Christopher is like that too
Kirk is ????? Rebecca Dew? Maybe?

+43 Vote up Vote down

editorialeyes 135p · 546 weeks ago

Got it: Kirk is the grown-up version of Davy Keith, a sweet man-child who always gets into trouble but nonetheless has great respect for Rory/Anne.

2 replies · active 546 weeks ago

+27 Vote up Vote down

laurenipsum 109p · 546 weeks ago

MATTHEW.

4 replies · active 546 weeks ago

+29 Vote up Vote down

annesurly 70p · 546 weeks ago

Kirk is Davy and Lulu is Dora. Kirk's relationship with Taylor and Luke is much like Davy's with Rachel and Marilla. Davy & Kirk are both getting into crazy situations for comic relief. Lulu and Dora are their unbelievably sweet and annoyingly angelic counterparts.

+34 Vote up Vote down

paisleyLo 127p · 546 weeks ago

MALLORY. HOW COULD YOU HAVE KNOWN MY DEEPEST LOVES FROM CHILDHOOD/EARLY TEENAGENESS AND COMBINED THEM IN SUCH A WAY?! You are a Sorceress of the Highest Power.

Also, I may or may not have legitimately teared up at work at "MATTHEW" and your perfect description of Muriel Stacy/Sookie St. James. I frequently get Ms. Stacy's warm-throated "Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it" stuck in my head on tough days.

+39 Vote up Vote down

teresamackadoo 97p · 546 weeks ago

I will never not be angry about what happens to Lane.

+10 Vote up Vote down

cosmia 123p · 546 weeks ago

Guys I never watched Gilmore Girls, am I missing out on a major cultural touchstone??? Should I just find solace in the fact that I at least watched this Anne of Green Gables series because I Am Canadian??? Where does Road to Avonlea fit into this??? I NEED ASSISTANCE.

6 replies · active 545 weeks ago

+8 Vote up Vote down

deleted7410012 111p · 546 weeks ago

this is...perfect.

(matthewwwwww)

+15 Vote up Vote down

winterbymorning 133p · 546 weeks ago

WE DO NOT TALK ABOUT MORGAN HARRIS

5 replies · active 546 weeks ago

+15 Vote up Vote down

Diana_monkey 131p · 546 weeks ago

Jess IS NOT Josie Pye, that is ridiculous. Jess is really more of a Paul Irving.

1 reply · active 546 weeks ago

+26 Vote up Vote down

meiflower · 546 weeks ago

Miss Patty is Rebecca Dew, and Babette is Aunt Chatty.

+6 Vote up Vote down

sunfastrose · 546 weeks ago

I always thought Tristan was criminally underused. Tristan 4EVA.

1 reply · active 546 weeks ago

+28 Vote up Vote down

LeastBittern 120p · 546 weeks ago

Kirk = Charlotta the 4th?

3 replies · active 546 weeks ago

+14 Vote up Vote down

Peach · 546 weeks ago

Susan Baker is Kirk.

1 reply · active 546 weeks ago

+10 Vote up Vote down

bookshipper 55p · 546 weeks ago

This post makes me the happiest because in addition to validating the canonical truth that Paris/Rory is canon, it explains why I always really shipped Anne/Josie. If only Josie had gotten to be a deep beat-reading hipster who won Anne over (temporarily) in spite of her best efforts to resist! Alas. At least Paris/Rory is canon. *Paris/Rory is canon!!!!!!*

+22 Vote up Vote down

winterbymorning 133p · 546 weeks ago

Kirk is old Uncle Abe Andrews from Anne of Avonlea who's always making inaccurate weather predictions.

+20 Vote up Vote down

YoungLeafedJune 122p · 546 weeks ago

I am rewatching this for the first time since I originally watched it on TV. I'm realizing 1) how upsettingly much my image of what was cool and how I wanted to be was formed by Rory, as someone one year younger than her (I read her books! I tried to like her music!), and 2) how off-putting so many people seem to me as an adult. Rory is the worst. Lorelai is the worst, though I sort of get it with her and I still like her. Even Jess, who I had thought was so hot, turns out to be the worst. I never don't wish Dean would just die every time he's on screen. I still like it for it's many awesome secondary characters and nostalgia and occasional heart-warmingness, but I'm really dreading getting beyond season 3.

1 reply · active 533 weeks ago

+22 Vote up Vote down

pantone292 140p · 546 weeks ago

Lucy and Olivia = Priscilla and Stella (cool girls just thrown in to prove that the protagonist has the ability to make more than 1 friend)

April = Little Elizabeth

Cool old woman who ran the Independence Inn = Miss Lavendar

+47 Vote up Vote down

blunderbusst 102p · 546 weeks ago

Speaking of Lane's "death," not only was it terrible that she got killed by twins and had to give up her rock'n'roll dreams (a huge fear of mine, so maybe I'm projecting a little), she also ONLY GOT TO HAVE SEX ONCE and IT WAS TERRIBLE and then they never talked about if she ever enjoyed it again.

Sorry to be all "go sex" all the time, but Lane deserved a second chance at something she might have enjoyed. Damn it.

+25 Vote up Vote down

raqueue 115p · 546 weeks ago

I love this so much...

Except for the Richard Gilmore - Matthew thing. I'm watching again and Richard can just be so terrible. Actually, so many of the male characters on Gilmore Girls are just the worst so Richard doesn't look so bad because he's only kind of the worst. He's no Matthew though.

Agree agree agree with Lorelai and Philippa.

3 replies · active 546 weeks ago

+10 Vote up Vote down

lesliejroot 116p · 546 weeks ago

I am watching GG for the first time right now (and rereading Rilla of Ingleside; it's The Toast's fault) and I love this so much that I don't mind at all that I accidentally found out about Lane's tragic fate.

+72 Vote up Vote down

katelit 157p · 546 weeks ago

As much as I ship Paris/Rory and would love to see Paris as Gilbert, I just can't, because Paris is Katherine Brooke from the tip of her head to the end of her toes. KATHERINE BROOKE. If there's a gayer character in all of the Anneverse, PRODUCE HER. Katherine is the BEST. She hates men! She hates Anne, too! But then she doesn't hate Anne anymore! She actually has a lot of feelings about Anne that she has trouble expressing! And then she travels around the world, presumably still hating men! I like to think she returns every few years to stay with Anne and Gilbert, gazing meaningfully at Anne over needlepoint.

7 replies · active 533 weeks ago

+24 Vote up Vote down

clairegreenlee 121p · 546 weeks ago

On my death bed (one where not even Sookie's risotto could bring me back), with my last breath, I will look into the eyes of my beloved and whisper,

"Taylor Doose. WHAT A FUCK."

2 replies · active 546 weeks ago

+11 Vote up Vote down

Daniel Cardozo · 546 weeks ago

Somewhere there must be a script for, or a draft, or just a set of notes, for an episode where Lane gets an abortion. It would make sense for her character arc, and for the show in general, to depict this scenario. Alas, ABC "family" TV would never had allowed it.
Alternately, if there was ever a new Gilmore Girls show, I think it would make sense for it to have Lane as the protagonist, once again showing an unconventional mother/daughter relationship, this time with a working musician as a parent.
In fact, that's what I loved about Bunheads, Amy Sheridan Palladino's most recent show: both the main characters were prominent artists in their youth, contending with life as older devotées of a vocation that values youth over experience. It had great potential, a variety of complex characters, and some terrific dance numbers.

+11 Vote up Vote down

blossomtostem 30p · 546 weeks ago

Kirk is totally Minnie May Barry. Childish, annoying, spilling the beans about Gilbert Blythe's illness at just the wrong moment...

But I think Lane is really Emmeline Harris (sweet, smart, but severely limited by her old fashioned, overprotective guardians).

Totally agree that Luke is Marilla.

+29 Vote up Vote down

Kari · 546 weeks ago

Kirk can just play every extra character in the Anne stories.

+24 Vote up Vote down

winterbymorning 133p · 546 weeks ago

Kirk is young Mary Vance, chasing small children around the village with an enormous salted cod.

+39 Vote up Vote down

TheBaney 86p · 546 weeks ago

I love how with each new "Kirk" suggestion, I can't help but nod forcefully. "Yes!" I think, at each new name, "Yes, that fits perfectly!" Kirk is legion.

+7 Vote up Vote down

irenarowley 107p · 546 weeks ago

Taylor Doose = Rachel Lynde = Maurice Minnifield. There's one in every small town, I guess.

+8 Vote up Vote down

mintypins 96p · 546 weeks ago

I think this might be the greatest thing I've ever read.

+11 Vote up Vote down

eegghh 108p · 546 weeks ago

No I'm sorry. You make some good points in his favor but I still really do not have time for Marty. Marty is a classic Nice Guy. She's not interested and he's lurky and eternally hopeful and sort of a bummer. Also if you re-watch, he's basically a human shaped shell- they never give him a real personality. Marty has nothing but bartending, always creepin on Rory and Duck Soup.

Logan is definitely a jerk to Marty which is one of the many reasons he's no good, but the way Marty puts up with it is illustrative of Marty's eternal passitivity. Yale in 2001 is not actually 1920, and he's not actually indentured, and I'm sorry, if you want to make me feel bad about the class system at yale, the temporary college poverty of a white dude, compared to the super wealth of a different white dude isn't going to cut it.

Also I'm sorry, but Marty was cruel to Krysten Ritter, and even if that only happened in the atrocious season 7, I will never never forgive anyone for being evil to Krysten Ritter.

In all fairness, the more times I re-watch the less I like Rory, so I think maybe she always deserved Marty all along.

+8 Vote up Vote down

dakimel 122p · 546 weeks ago

I'm like... she's not even stretching, these are just perfect and right and why has it taken this long for the world to see and understand?

+11 Vote up Vote down

beatricks · 546 weeks ago

Jen Pringle is fabulously clever and green-eyed and becomes a dear friend of Anne's (who later gets engaged to someone she meets at a party Anne hosts at Ingleside because LMM was trying hard for continuity). I can only attribute this slander to Mallory's admitted not having read Windy Poplars.

WINDY POPLARS!!1!!!!!!!

ahem.

1 reply · active 545 weeks ago

+4 Vote up Vote down

megotelek 112p · 546 weeks ago

Kirk is CLEARLY Charlie Sloane. And the rest of this is just GENIUS.

brb, rereading my Anne books again...

+18 Vote up Vote down

memphisbelle93 0p · 546 weeks ago

Jess is a garbage human and at least Josie Pye became passively distant and therefore less garbage as she got older. Jess is the worst. I spent a lot of time trying to think about who he is in Avonlea/Ingleside, and the only thing I can come up with is that he is the person who sent Walter Blythe a white feather, shaming him into going to war, where he was killed. I wish Jess was killed.

Also, Richard Gilmore is too terrible to be Matthew, because Matthew is an angel and deserves better. Richard Gilmore is that old man who moved into Mrs. Lynde's house and was an old coot for a while but Anne wore him down and it turned out he had a heart of gold, but he was still kind of an old coot, and he liked bothering Rachel Lynde.

+4 Vote up Vote down

Sarah · 545 weeks ago

"As human beings go unnecessary" is my new favorite phrase.

+19 Vote up Vote down

Belinda · 545 weeks ago

I have it! Kirk is the jersey cow that kept jumping the fence and then Anne sold to Mr Blythe later in the film. Was its name Daisy? I can't remember...

+1 Vote up Vote down

AEP · 542 weeks ago

Kirk is that sea captain who tells stories and does a bit of everything. Captain Jim?

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