Hey Ladies: Autumnal Shower

by Michelle Markowitz & Caroline Moss · October 16, 2014

carrie-mother_BANNERS
Previously in this horrible series: Happily Ever After

***

To: Nicole; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Ali
Date: October 3, 2014
Subject: Showerrrrrrrrr

Hey Ladies,

Can you believe it’s October already??! I’m basically addicted to Pumpkin Spice Lattes, it’s redic. I know what you’re thinking: this is our annual group Halloween costume call to arms email, LOL. Wrong! I’m like 99% sure I’ll end up doing a couples costume with Tyler. He’s perfect. He’s in advertising so we’ll probably co-host a Mad Men series finale party together. Anyway. We’ve been on two dates. How long should I wait before bringing up couples costumes?? I feel like it’s this unspoken subtext between all our interactions now, and he’s probably waiting for me to bring it up anyway, right? Anyway, that’s neither here nor there BECAUSE…

STACY IS GETTING MARRIED AND WE SHOULD PLAN HER SHOWER!!!!!!! Technically, her mom and sister are planning her bridal shower, SNOOZE. I’m sure they’re not even aware of the latest technology in the mason jar pinterest scene. But I think we should all plan her ~personal shower~ which is muuuuch more fun and all the rage in the 2014 DIY rustic chic wedding culture. LAUREN CONRAD HAD ONE!!!!

Basically, it’s just like a bridal shower, but we get her fun gifts that are just for her since wedding planning is sooo stressful! Lingerie, spa days, hair extensions (??), stuff like that! Also, I really think Stacy needs an upper lip wax, but what’s a nice, sensitive way to bring that up??! I’ll google yahoo answers. I’ll be putting together a google doc of what everyone should get for her! YAY I LOVE PLANNING!

~LOGISTICS~

Theme: Autumnal Romance! Something in the key of GOURDS

Food: Morgan, you’ll be in charge of cute apps! I read that George and Amal had reallllly cute apps, and I think we should aim for that too!

Games: Let’s do the game where we quiz Stacy on how well she knows her fiance. Nicole, can you reach out to Matt and find out everything there is to know about him? Have you guys heard of bro-dal showers? It’s the latest in 2014 wedding culture.  Do you think Matt will feel left out if we don’t plan a shower for him and his friends?? From what I understand, it’s one of those female traditions like bikini waxing that guys have always secretly wished they can participate in as well. Nicole, can you take Matt’s temp on the brodal shower idea? But first, find out if he has hot friends!!!! 🙂 Also, Nicole you’re not attracted to Matt right?? Don’t want another offering to have sex with our friend’s husband situation, right Jen? LOL. Awk-ward!

Location: Katie, please source locations with indoor and outdoor options! Wow me.

YAY SO EXCITED!!!!!!

xxxx Ali

“‘Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play/And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate/Baby, I’m just gonna shake, shake, shake, shake, shake/I shake it off, I shake it off” ~TAYLOR

*

To: Nicole; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Ali; Jen
From: Morgan
Date: October 3, 2014
Subject: RE.Showerrrrrrrrr

Ladies!!!

Sounds so cute!! I do enjoy cute apps but I didn’t really understand the email??? Should all of the apps have gourds as an ingredient in them??? lmk

MORGS

*

To: Morgan; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Ali; Jen
From: Nicole
Date: October 3, 2014
Subject: RE: RE: Showerrrrrrrrr

I think this is a great idea!! I’ll ask Matt about a bro-dal shower!!!! What’s the best, least hitting on your friend’s fiance way to get in touch? Facebook message to meet for a drink after work?? Or invite him over to my place?? Like a bunch of his instagrams and tweets then DM him about meeting somewhere but not telling Stacy?? Or is getting in touch too creepy and I should just surprise run into him in the steam room at Equinox??

Luv,

Nicole!

ps – Does anyone have an iPhone 6 they wanna get rid of? Since they’re so bendy! Ugh, right?

*

To: Morgan; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole; Ali; Jen
From: Katie
Date: October 5, 2014
Subject: RE: RE: Showerrrrrrrrr

Hey ladies!!

Sorry I just had to file a few pitches and the grafs were good but the ledes were all wrong. Sorry that’s a little journo-speak, ha! Nicole you’re such a weirdo. It’s actually the iPhone 6 PLUS that bends! I’ll forward you an infographic I found on The Verge (website) earlier.

Morgan if you make anything with a gourd in it I’ll murder you and I won’t eat it, that goes without saying.

Have we run this by Stacy’s mom like, at all?? Ali???

x

katie

*

To: Morgan; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole; Katie; Jen
From: Ali
Date: October 5, 2014
Subject: RE: RE: Showerrrrrrrrr

Wow, hating on gourds is SO basic, LOL.

Stacy’s mom I’m sure would love this idea if she knew about it!

I have the perfect couples costume for Tyler and me! We will go as my favorite fictional couple of all time — Jimmy Dugan and Dottie ~aka~ Tom Hanks and Geena Davis from A League of Their Own! It’s perfect — their love was so forbidden and passionate, just like Tyler and mine will one day be, and also guys loves sports, so this is a win all around!

Jen, can we just do this at Brad’s parents apartment??

x Ali

“One night I put on a nightgown, stepped onto the porch, looked up at the moon, and said, ‘Who am I?” – Lena Dunham, “Not That Kind of Girl”

*

To: Morgan; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole; Katie; Ali
From: Jen
Date: October 5, 2014
Subject: RE: RE: Showerrrrrrrrr

Ladies,

My inlaws won’t be able to host. Brad’s father has gout (sp???)

J

*

To: Jen; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole; Katie; Ali
From: Morgan
Date: October 5, 2014
Subject: RE. RE. Showerrrrrrrrr

lol ew…?

morgs

*

To: Jen; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Morgan; Katie; Ali
From: Nicole
Date: October 5, 2014
Subject: RE. RE. Showerrrrrrrrr

tell him to scrub it with bleach.

-nicole

*

To: Nicole; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Morgan; Jen; Ali
From: Katie
Date: October 5, 2014
Subject: RE. RE. Showerrrrrrrrr

um that’s grout, nicole.

x

katie

*

To: Jen; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Morgan; Katie; Ali
From: Nicole
Date: October 6, 2014
Subject: RE. RE. Showerrrrrrrrr

Matt hasn’t texted me back yet, but his friends look hot on facebook, so can we do a combination personal shower and brodal shower??

Also, how *personal* are these personal shower gifts supposed to be?? I just don’t want to end up being the only one to bring a footlong dildo to this thing, when everyone else chipped in for a Vitamixer. Not again.

~Nicole

*

To: Jen; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Morgan; Nicole; Ali
From: Katie
Date: October 7, 2014
Subject: RE. RE. Showerrrrrrrrr

that WAS a good party though, nicole.

katie

PS I think I am going to bring her day of the week candy thongs???? thoughts? Someone at the blog reviewed them and we were like DYING my co-workers are hilar.

*

To: Jen; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Morgan; Katie Ali
From: Nicole
Date: October 7, 2014
Subject: RE. RE. Showerrrrrrrrr

Ladies,

I don’t know whether to feel upset, enraged, or relieved. My emotions are all over the place. According to my PMS tracker, I shouldn’t have these intense feelings till early next week!!! (???!!!)

I have news.

Matt finally got back to me. He said not to worry about a brodal shower or personal shower, that Stacy’s mom was taking care of the shower. (UGH!) But also, that this was awkward, but apparently we were only invited to the shower and engagement party and not THE ACTUAL WEDDING because they are trying to keep the numbers down.

WTF??!!! I feel bewildered, heartbroken, but also kinda relieved?? I mean, we haven’t seen Stacy in like a year, and going to their wedding upstate would be minimum $500-$1000 ( I was already pricing it out and was gonna budget it into my 2015 Wedding Mint). But like, seriously?? I was ready to RentTheRunway and GlamSquad it and go, but now I guess I’ll just save all that money and time? For a person we don’t hang out with that much anymore…

But I mean. They were going to invite us to the shower and NOT the wedding??! That’s poor form. Susan Miller said a betrayal was coming my way, and this has to be it. Well, I’m not going to the shower. And I guess I will keep that footlong dildo for myself?! I mean LOL. Unless I can ebay it actually?? Or one of you girls want to Venmo me for it?? Let me know!!!!

xx Nic

“Forever young, I wanna be forever young//Remember those walls I built? Well baby, they are tumbling down.” ~ Beyonce/Jay Z Forever Young/Halo mashup

*

To: Jen; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Nicole; Ali
From: Morgan
Date: October 7, 2014
Subject: RE. RE. Showerrrrrrrrr

Nicole,

Is that a real song or did you just put the two quotes together…?

Morg

*

To: Jen; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Nicole; Morgan
From: Ali
Date: October 8, 2014
Subject: RE. RE. Showerrrrrrrrr

Hi Ladies!

That’s too funny Stacy wasn’t planning on inviting you all to her wedding, lol. I’m sure I’m invited, but just because we had a heart to heart one night about six years ago, and it just took our friendship to this really deep place.

So now that we don’t have any personal or brodal showers to plan, who wants to go apple picking??!!!! I’m thinking upstate, or maybe Vermont?? Should we rent out an entire b&b or just do it as a daytrip? I’m thinking long weekend, and we can all take a couple days off of work too. Infinity scarves are mandatory! I’ll send out an event invite on Ello!

Love you ladies!

xx Ali

“All I’m trying to do is be nice!” – Ben Affleck, Gone Girl trailer

*

To: Jen; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Ali; Nicole; Morgan
From: Katie
Date: October 8, 2014
Subject: RE. RE. Showerrrrrrrrr

Hey ladies,

The thing is, I never expected to be invited to Stacy’s anyway? I didn’t invite her to a few of my theme parties in college (Prose and Hoes, notably) and she didn’t take that well. So I assume this is some kind of weird political revenge? It’s fine.

That being said, VERY into autumnal weekend away!

A FEW CAVEATS (google it!)

  1. No tall grass (lymes)
  2. No farms (farm-centric is fine, no animals)
  3. I’m over mason jars
  4. Unless you bake in them, check out my “NEED TO TRY” board on Pinterest
  5. I want to come home and be able to say I picked wildflowers. Ideally I’d be able to Instagram this with a Nashville filter (or rise, sunflare depending.)
  6. INFINITY SCARVES YES

Let me know if this jibes with everyone else’s idea of the weekend??????

KATIE

 

 

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198 Comments

  5. grumblyqueer +136

    The one part that really got me was the “perfect” A League Of Our Own couple. I can take gourd-hating and jargon and Pinterest, but cramming heterosexuality into my gay sports movies is evidently where I draw the line.

    2. ArsenioB_Ham +111

      The whole POINT of that relationship is that Dottie and Jimmy were PEERS and had a PLATONIC relationship of RESPECT for each other’s athletic ABILITIES

      UGH I HAVE FEELINGS ABOUT THIS

      Also, quoting the “Gone Girl” trailer…perf

  7. rhymeswitheight +69

    The ladies are coming apart at the seams. This was the meanest/most passive aggressive thread yet!!!

    (Also I fear what it might mean to agree with one of the ladies, but DOES it ever happen that someone invites people to a shower but not the wedding? I have only been to one wedding as an adult human, so I don’t know.)

    1. anninyn +38

      Wedding showers seem WEIRD to me. They don’t really seem to be a thing here. I mean, you get gifts at the wedding, right? Even from people who aren’t coming? Why do you need a second party just for gifts? ???

      1. rhymeswitheight +21

        Yeah I don’t get it either. Wedding culture confuses me. Have a bunch of parties if you want, but don’t be upset if people can’t come to everything and/or give gifts for everything.

      2. blushingflower +15

        My philosophy is that shower gifts should be for the bride, wedding gifts should be for the couple.

      3. RoseCamelia +31

        In my little circle of friends/neighbors in the 90s, the shower was for giving risque lingerie. The dignified kitchenware was a wedding gift.

    2. aravisthequeen +56

      I think it happens but it’s very poor etiquette unless there’s some kind of extenuating circumstances (like, I don’t know, the couple is having a destination wedding to Antarctica that costs $15,000 a pop, but the bride’s family really want to throw her a shower to celebrate instead).

      2. ipomoea +18

        Yeah, my circle of old friends have all had showers AND we’ve attended bachelorette parties/weekends and weddings, but the last of us to get married is doing it in SCOTLAND so we’re going to do a shower and bachelorette weekend here, because if you think your seven friends with children under five are flying to Scotland for a wedding, I’m sorry, we are not, as much as we love you.

    3. nicole_44 +105

      It does happen, and it is considered incredibly poor form. Basically, “give me a present, but I don’t care to have you at my wedding.”

      ETA: Also, family isn’t supposed to throw you a shower anyway, so Stacy’s mom has NOT got it goin’ on in the etiquette department.

      2. Bryn (Plus Others) +3

        Really? Where we grew up it was the thing the older women in the family did. Although I am sure it has changed. But it was about getting the bride ready for the marriage. 🙂

    4. blushingflower +20

      I think it happens sometimes where you might do a shower for a coworker or someone who is getting married at a remote location.
      The couple are in charge of the wedding invites (with various degrees of input from the parents), whereas the shower is technically thrown by someone else, who determines the invite list. If you are throwing a shower, you really should consult with the bride about who to invite, but it is possible that the shower host might invite people that the bride does not intend to invite to the wedding.

    5. rkfire +13

      I actually did this *shuffles feet* but it was because we were trying to keep costs down and had only invited folks we had known for over a year at a time when we had made a bunch of new friends shortly before the engagement. I ended up inviting some new friends for the bridal shower because I had no idea this was a faux pas, and then invited the same group to the wedding after-party at a bar.

      Also a girlfriend of mine definitely told me that she thought it was appropriate to invite as many people as possible for showers, so take it up with her.. American wedding ettiquette is something that I’ve only picked up in dribs and drabs over my 20s. ^^;

    6. sarahsaysssoo +13

      imo, it is unacceptable to invite to the shower but not the wedding. also to invite to the wedding but not the reception (although you can go the opposite direction (invite to the party but not the ceremony) if necessary).

      a coworker shower is different, that’s a set guest list. i’ve thrown a bunch of showers over the years and the bride is always very involved in the guest list for this reason

      1. eegghh +10

        Oh man I think it’s completely unacceptable to invite to the party but not the ceremony! Basically, nothing is correct.

        1. sarahsaysssoo +16

          I agree most of the time. I’m thinking specifically of weddings in certain religious traditions where not all guests are allowed into the place where the ceremony takes place or getting married in like a hot-air balloon and then hosting a large reception after. I think that’s okay (not great but okay) because it doesn’t look like you are fishing for a gift and then not wanting to buy the person a piece of cake

          1. eegghh +16

            I feel very specifically that the exact same number of people should be present at your reception as your ceremony. If you are mormon, what are you doing with non mormon friends anyway?! I don’t know why but I do. I think it comes down to people annoying me with their desires.

            I guess I’m ok with throwing a separate party, on a different date to celebrate if you did something elope-y, particularly if someone else hosts it for you, so its not like, you trying to get your wedding both ways. But it needs to be clear that its not a wedding reception, its a marriage celebration party. Like a housewarming.

            I read a lot of Miss Manners as a child. It cannot be undone.

          2. sarahsaysssoo +4

            I still refer to my emily post and amy vanderbilt guides semi-regularly. i love being given rules that no one can fault

          3. eegghh +18

            I like to know that other people are doing it wrong. There’s nothing so delicious as knowing both traditions are wrong. It’s what keeps the Dowager Countess alive.

          4. Lily_Rowan +5

            Yeah, on the flip side, weddings in my religious tradition are explicitly open to the public (I mean, they may not know it, but anyone can walk in).

    7. mbculver +10

      My husband was invited to a bachelor party, but not to the wedding itself 2 days later. As it was The Worst Wedding Ever (discussed in an OT a while back), he wasn’t particularly heartbroken.

      1. emlorark +7

        I feel like this is many guys’ dream, right? My dude just did this, but that’s because we were moving the weekend of the wedding, but he was available for the bachelor party.

    8. grlgoddess +7

      I just went to a shower and not the wedding. But that was because my sister was a bridesmaid, and the shower was at my house.

    9. keythah +26

      With the way that GIANT INDIAN FAMILY WEDDINGS happen, it’s not uncommon to be invited to one thing and not the other, depending on your relationship to the family. People don’t get offended and kind of expect it because, um, a “just close friends and family” wedding tallies up to like 200 people.

    2. tragicallyludicrous +7

      I thought of Tumbling Down, the Cockney Rebel song that was on the Velvet Goldmine soundtrack, but that’s me.

  10. ct330 +55

    Also, I really think Stacy needs an upper lip wax, but what’s a nice, sensitive way to bring that up??

    NOW I’M GONNA BE WORRIED ABOUT MY UPPER LIP ALL DAY GREAT

    1. Alli525 +13

      Oh I’ve been staring at my mini-mooooostache for a couple days now, but I am both too busy and too broke to deal right now. My overall philosophy for “beauty” right now is “meh.”

  11. dupreema +46

    “Shudder of recognition” is the best tag for this. The constant changing of the quotes kills me! Ali is SO DEEP.

    2. germanrocketcat +7

      That new T-Swift song as her first quote was perfect. I saw it, and immediately thought “OF COURSE ALI WOULD”

    1. ramina +19

      One time at work a coworker used google to look for yahoo and I called her out on it majorly. I only felt a little bad about it.

      1. winterbymorning +47

        My dad always uses google to find websites that he knows the URL for. He’ll do a search for like, dadmagazine.com. I used to helpfully point out that he could just type that into the address bar and he would always give me a puzzled look and say “But this works!” Okay, dad. You do you.

        1. octopoda +22

          I’ll confess I do this sometimes too, and I work in IT. It’s so I can be lazy and not type the whole URL. Or sometimes I know a search result will get me the exact page I’m looking for under the main domain.

          1. alicia +17

            High five if you are the only other person in the world who still uses “I’m feeling lucky”.

          2. octopoda +5

            I do, sometimes! Another reason to use Google vs the URL: it autocorrects my typos so I can be even more lazy.

        1. EPWordsnatcher +8

          In a past job someone used the phrase “take a Google drive” and we all made fun of it but now I use it sometimes. More than I should.

  13. Household_Opera +111

    All the references to “2014 wedding culture” make me think that somewhere out there, in a parallel universe that’s much less terrible, Ali became an anthropologist and specialized in studying the bizarre folkways of the North American wedding.

  15. dakimel +126

    Nicole sure does have a lot of emotions available to cover up the fact that, basically, she’s very relieved. The very relieved possessor of a foot-long dildo.

    Katie is so breaking up with everyone to go spend time with her hilar coworkers, who might appreciate how hard she works and how great she is and how important her place in the world is and all the other things she’s trying her damnedest to get the others to acknowledge.

  18. gripyfish +20

    I kept hearing these in the voice of this one terrible girl from my girlfriend’s grad program, and now I feel like breaking out into hives.

    1. Alli525 +7

      I hear Morgan’s voice in the Morgan Voice from the Hey Ladies Live event (I wish I could remember her real name!) and it is so, so good. SO GOOD. Everyone else generally sort of sounded similar to each other, but Morgan was a distinct treat.

  19. sarahsaysssoo +153

    I do hate it when I show up with a giant dildo and everyone else bought small appliances

      1. Ethylbenzene +47

        I feel like a Hitatchi Magic Wand is much closer to a small appliance than a dildo though.

  20. literaltrousersnake +33

    I read these through my fingers EVERY TIME and then I read the comments and notice all these … pardon me, +killer+ details and then I re-read them and am like MASTER WORK. <3

  21. Ethylbenzene +37

    I seriously work with a bunch of people who really, truly do not know or understand the difference between the google search bar and the address bar in their browser. It makes me want to die.

    1. ramina +7

      In (not really) their defense, in the shitty version of Internet Explorer we’re forced to use at work, the search bar and address bar are one and the same – but ughhhhhhhh

    2. theothergibson +18

      If you use chrome, they are also the same thing. Since google designed it, though, it works smoothly and will take you to websites when you type them in and searches when a website option isn’t clear.

      1. Ethylbenzene +21

        I love it that you guys are so kindly-disposed towards these people but no, they have told me when I ask how they are accessing our websites, that “I go to google.com and type in the link you gave me.”

        Also, while this would be an ok way to get to most websites, a lot of these links are to registration websites for private events for kids — because we don’t want random strangers signing up/showing up, these events aren’t publicly-searchable, so you really do need to type in the URL as I gave it to you into the address bar, or you won’t be able to find it.

        1. theothergibson +11

          Oh, I was just making a pedantic statement about the structure of browsers, not anything about the people you are specifically referring to. I used to work for a company where the president sent out a company-wide email about how you shouldn’t click the first link google shows you if it says that it’s a paid ad or a sponsored link, as he had done this and made himself vulnerable to a BIOS attack, which essentially bricks your computer.

          1. theothergibson +7

            Which is to say: He didn’t realize that if someone is paying for first placement when you search “Ski Doo” you should be suspicious of their intentions.

        2. RedSonja1023 +49

          I was in a class once where the professor wanted to show us a youtube video. So he fired up his web browser (IE) and typed http://www.google.com in the search bar. Which then performed a Bing search for Google. Somehow, the computer did not explode.

          He then clicked through to the first search result (Google) and typed the URL of the youtube video he wanted IN THE SEARCH BAR. But since he had written down the URL after clicking through to the video as a suggestion, the URL was waaaaaay longer than it needed to be. And returned about 20 results.

          THEN he had to skim through the results list for what he wanted. It killed my soul to watch.

        3. blushingflower +5

          I used to work for the Park Service, and I would get phone calls from people who said they were on our website and it was telling them X. I oversaw our website, so I knew that wasn’t true. I would ask them what webpage they were on and they would read me the page title, and I would have to walk them through finding and reading me the URL so that I could tell them they weren’t on our webpage and give them the correct URL.

  22. cosmia +104

    I’ve never felt such strong negative feelings towards a Hey Ladies character as I have towards Ali and this line:

    That’s too funny Stacy wasn’t planning on inviting you all to her wedding, lol. I’m sure I’m invited, but just because we had a heart to heart one night about six years ago, and it just took our friendship to this really deep place.

    OH MY GOD

    1. Absotively +96

      On the other hand, I’m really enjoying the mental image of Ali waiting for an invitation that will never come.

      1. bibliobotic +60

        I mean, she’s definitely going to show up either way, right? Like, “oh lol my invitation got lost in the mail but here i am!”

        1. eegghh +75

          She will get invited. RSVP for herself and Tyler. Then not show. Because he kind of invited her skiing (maybe we can hang out if you are in aspen?). She knows Stacey will understand.

      2. dakimel +70

        Oh, she will have breezed on to BIGGER and BETTER PLANS, LOLlolllol! so she wouldn’t have had time to trek upstate – and did you see the weather forecast, way to plan for the seasons, Stacey – plus you heard they are actually serving just the hotel’s regular banquet food and only California wines in the open bar, right? Boiled chicken and napa chardonnay, no thank you very much!

    2. mbculver +67

      The Schadenfreude part of me is already imagining how poorly things will go with Tyler when Ali attempts her couples costume scheme.

      1. paperbgprincess +31

        Honestly, I have been on like 8 or 9 dates with my current gentleman caller, and I can’t IMAGINE proposing a couples costume. Poor Tyler. He should go find Gracie and get out while he still can.

        1. blunderbusst +26

          I’ve been with my boyfriend for 4 years and still can’t manage to institute a couples costume experience.

          And it’s not because I’m always proposing gender-reversal costumes, either, I swear. “You’ll be Peach and I’ll be Mario and it’ll be great because you’re tall and I’m short and I’m a girl!”

          1. DoubtfulGuest +39

            Can I just say that I love that costume idea? (But then I’m the one who suggested I go as Boris and he go as Natasha because of the vast height difference, and we did, and it was FANTASTIC, and my cartoon bomb with its little construction-paper flame on its pipe-cleaner fuse was AWESOME!)

          2. blunderbusst +11

            THAT IS AMAZING!

            And in fairness, he’s pretty into the idea, too (Peach IS his favorite SMB character, after all). We just never get invited to any costume parties.

          3. Jasmin +11

            This was our costume last year, with my husband drunkenly yelling “Moose and squirrel!” out the window during our car ride home.

    3. testingwithfire +11

      Ali is lying through her very straight white teeth about her invitation. Maybe SHE’s Carrie, playing some byzantine long game.

    4. Vera_Knoop +6

      You’re a better person than I am, because that just made me cackle in anticipation of how OMG betrayed she’s going to feel soon.

  23. Femaelstrom +33

    I want to crawl under my desk and die whenever I read these. Somehow, that’s a compliment.

  24. sarahsaysssoo +50

    one of my coworkers uses yahoo to look for everything. like she yahoos google, she yahoos facebook EVERY TIME she logs on, etc.

  26. DonitaSharks +146

    I want one of the Ladies (Katie?) to write to Ask Polly, in a weird mash up universe of Awl-Hairpin-Toast fandom.

  27. cait0716 +13

    Really? My aunt threw me a wedding shower. But it was more of a “Hey, you’re in town and I want an excuse to throw a party and this is a good one.” My fiance was also invited, but it was mostly just a family thing.

  28. ramina +66

    Also, did anyone else notice that Charlotte did not respond once to this? GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN, GIRL

    2. phlippin +31

      I don’t think Charlotte has ever responded to a Hey Ladies email. I love her for that. Keep rising above, Charlotte!

      1. Ethylbenzene +39

        Charlotte has anything with the word “ridic” auto-filtered straight to the trash.

        Excuse me, “rEdic.” Charlotte is good people.

  29. nicole_44 +49

    I think aunts/cousins/other non-direct relatives are somewhat more okay? Especially in an out of town sort of scenario. Basically, you/mom/grandma should not be the one asking people to come and give you presents.

    But more generally, YOU DO YOU WEDDING RULES ARE WEIRD.

  31. deleted2997279 +48

    As soon as I saw redic I knew this was going to be amazing, and it did not disappoint.

  32. deleted1892326 +66

    “All I’m trying to do is be nice!” – Ben Affleck, Gone Girl trailer

    I want to say something other than *dying,* but I’m dead.

  33. mslizwatson +48

    The ladies are turning into an ourorboros of hate and and punctuation marks! If the next email was to plan what everyone’s wearing to Nicole’s hearing after she stabs Ali with a Louboutin, I wouldn’t be surprised.

    Or they’re just going to turn into Joan Crawford and Bette Davis in ‘Whatever Happened to Baby Jane’ after everyone else has fled.

  36. rkfire +84

    What’s the best, least hitting on your friend’s fiance way to get in touch? Facebook message to meet for a drink after work?? Or invite him over to my place??

    WUT

    1. kilks401 +25

      clearly the best way is liking a bunch of his posts on instagram and twitter and then dm-ing him without Stacy knowing. I mean, come on.

    2. eegghh +23

      is this a good way to ask a guy out? Steam room? I don’t know how anymore and I need to learn again.

      1. rkfire +22

        The best way is to lurk in the steam room, waiting all day if you have to, and emerging from the shadows once he enters.

        It probably helps if you are wearing nothing but a towel. The size of the towel is up to you!

  37. YESsteveYES +25

    AUDIBLE GAY GASP @ not being invited to the wedding!!!

    Now I need to look through the entire series – has Stacy ever been on one of these threads!? Can we pinpoint the moment everything went wrong?

    1. scullymurphy +15

      You should definitely look through the whole series, but it will suck your will to do anything else all day. (not necessarily a bad thing).

      1. YESsteveYES +62

        Ya betta belieb I’ve read all and memorized most of all of these! Not like I have or will have a will to do anything, ever, anyway, other than read these over and over again.

        I can confirm that Stacy has NEVER BEEN MENTIONED in any installment! (methods: open all installments in tabs, expand to View All, Ctrl+F “Stac” in case she was ever referred to as “Stace” or intentionally misspelled as “Stacie” or “Stacey” because what a delicious little flourish that would have been.)

  39. eoporto +29

    ““All I’m trying to do is be nice!” – Ben Affleck, Gone Girl trailer”
    TRAILER <3
    these are a fucking treasure trove of jokes

  41. kilks401 +21

    I love that she’s going to send out an invite on ello. Also, the journalist jokes kill me (lede and kicker).

  43. roxythroatpunch +46

    I just wish everyone would stop being MEAN TO NICOLE. “Tell him to scrub it with bleach” is actually excellent fucking advice, Katie, so shove it.

  44. Jellybish +23

    New Hey Ladies day is the best day. I seriously use these posts as a reward for finishing projects I’m procrastinating.

  45. Ethylbenzene +49

    I just want my damn mason jars back so I can can things with them. I do not want to paint them, or put candles in them, or fill them with whimsical moss or air plants, or wrap them with fairy lights. I want to cram them full of mooshed up tomatoes or jam and boil the hell out of them and then listen for the best sound in the world — the “poop” of sealing canning jars.

    1. PaigePoo +10

      My grandpa collects Ball mason jars and now my dad does too and it’s such a DAD thing that I just can’t take it seriously as a trend.

      1. Meghan +5

        Mine too! They both use(d — grandpa’s dead) them in the garage to keep odd screws and nails and other garage flotsam in.

    2. Unreadaethel +18

      I love them for dry goods, mostly because I love containers with quantities stamped into the side. I HAVE ONE CUP OF LENTILS LEFT. PRECISELY ONE.

        1. Unreadaethel +9

          And they’re cheaper than, say, cute glass canisters from bed bath & beyond. I need many jars, people, and I refuse to pay $16 for each of them.

  46. paperbgprincess +28

    I was at an adult sleepover last night and while on the bus to work this morning I pulled out my phone and saw there was a new Hey Ladies, and my phone battery lasted JUST long enough to read the whole thing, and I could not be happier this morning. I adore Hey Ladies.

  48. allofthewhine +14

    I am having a horrible day at work that is zero percent my fault and I really needed this Hey Ladies. Thank you for this gift.

  50. plspassthePinot +17

    I lost it @ “Wow, hating on gourds is SO basic, LOL.”

    i love/hate these soooo desperately. A+

  52. Becca +52

    Reading these threads is like purposely eating something you’re allergic to.

    “It’s so delicious and also it’s giving me hives. (Of course I’ll have seconds.)”

  53. kimberlyraye20 +28

    Do you guys remember Grace? I bet Grace is so relieved that she got kicked out of the group. Grace DOESN’T”T EVEN LIKE GOURDS.

    1. roxythroatpunch +10

      My daughter is named Grace and it makes me so happy that Hey Ladies Grace is clearly a reasonably sane person.

    4. germanrocketcat +3

      I have only known excellent people named Grace in real life, all hail Graces.

      Also a friend with a sweetheart of a giant dog named Gracie.

  54. Lily_Rowan +5

    FOR WHAT ITS WORTH: There was a Toastron apple picking outing last weekend that went Very Well and with Minimal Planning. (But also animals.)

  55. blunderbusst +16

    It’s so wrong it’s so wrong it’s so wrong, but… I want to be friends with Nicole.

  56. huntress wizard +18

    I felt a chill run down my spine late this morning, like someone had walked over my grave…but it was just the new Hey Ladies being posted.

    Shudders. Shudders of PURE JOY.

  57. Arlette +16

    Out here in the very informal and hypersocial Bay Area, I’ve seen wedding showers thrown as a “We can’t invite everyone to the wedding but we don’t want people to feel left out, so we’re throwing a party for everyone and there’ll be booze and you don’t have to bring a present” thing.

      1. Bryn (Plus Others) +1

        Yes but in advance! And not formal like a reception. (Of course Arlette’s might be different but that is my Bay Area experience.)

  58. banjolene +49

    in my first year of teaching elementary school, i have learned that the hey ladies of today are the moms of tomorrow and it. is. terrifying.

  59. Household_Opera +22

    Oh, and this: Ideally I’d be able to Instagram this with a Nashville filter (or rise, sunflare depending.) PRIIIIIIICELESS.

  60. IHaveBangsNow +11

    Bless you and the work you do truly. I can only imagine your end of it. I have two kids in elementary school and it is sometimes WHAT. With the parents. Not the teachers!

    1. banjolene +3

      Bless you for being a presumably kickass and reasonable child-haver!! <3 (any tiny human raised under the tenets of the Toast will surely become a wonderful citizen of the world)

      1. germanrocketcat +16

        It’s simultaneously electrifying and exhausting to read, I can only imagine how much work it is to go through and insert such a high volume of jokes that make me shout “TOO REAL, I CAN’T, TOO REAL” at my laptop every two sentences. Plus character continuity. Phew.

  62. Cricket +11

    This Hey Ladies was truly needed after the day I had. “Something in the key of GOURDS” is my new favorite thing

  63. annacardea +4

    Oh, YES, of course these people would not only know what Venmo was, but they would all be using it. (For those of you not familiar, this company had ads all over the NYC subway system that were just a photo of a guy and text saying things like “Lucas eats take out,” or “Lucas uses cabs,” and then just the company name. No explanation, nothing. (I’m a little irrationally excited about this ridiculous reference, so I haven’t read the rest of the comments thread!)

  64. Femaelstrom +17

    Becoming Nicole (financially speaking) is probably one of my biggest fears. I always check my bank account after reading these to reassure myself that at least I’ve never PayPal’d a friend $4500 for a room in the Hamptons.

  65. Natteringwpride +7

    I definitely chose to read the new Hey Ladies over actually paying attention in my tax class this morning. I may not know how to calculate the tax on installment payments of property sales, but it’s completely worth it, because now I know the absolute requirements for apple picking instagram photos. *no regrets!*

    Day. Made.

  67. amsfellowtraveler +9

    I will invite Nicole to every shower, birthday, and Secret Santa party from now on! Bring it, Nicole – literally, BRING IT.

  68. deleted3602194 +3

    This is wonderful, and so hideous in theory. Now I’m wondering if groups of friends like this really exist? And also that forbidden love bit in A League of Their Own sent me giggling.

  69. BlotsAndCreases

    This is wonderful, and so hideous in theory. Now I'm wondering if groups of friends like this really exist? And also that forbidden love bit in A League of Their Own sent me giggling.

  71. cassidycroft +9

    “Stacy’s mom I’m sure would love this idea if she knew about it!”
    I love this series so much, it kills me every time. I should be writing a paper but I can safely say I will be spending the next 1-2 hours rereading all of the old posts because I just can’t get enough

  72. cassidycroftcurtis

    "Stacy’s mom I’m sure would love this idea if she knew about it!"
    I love this series so much, it kills me every time. I should be writing a paper but I can safely say I will be spending the next 1-2 hours rereading all of the old posts because I just can't get enough

    1. artemiscuous +4

      MY THOUGHT EXACTLY but Nicole did not work in any barbs and no one else brought it up as “like, so funny lol” so I can’t be sure

  74. Redheadscare +5

    A part of me really wants a “Which ‘Hey Ladies’ girl are you” quiz.
    I think I’d be sexy, sexy Nicole.