“It’s a girl, my Lord, in a flatbed Ford
Slowin’ down to take a look at me”
She sounds like a lot of fun! She drives her own car and she stops to look at men in the street. I’ll bet she’s part owner of the local bar, too, and is a very sexually frank person.
“Wooo hooo witchy woman, see how
high she flies
Woo hoo witchy woman she got
the moon in her eye
She held me spellbound in the night
dancing shadows and firelight
crazy laughter in another
room and she drove herself to madness
with a silver spoon”
What doesn’t sound appealing about that? She flies around the night sky and owns the moon and wants to have insanity sex in the darkness. I love this woman.
“I’ve got seven women on my mind…Four that wanna stone me”
Perfectly straightforward. You know what they want. They have not attempted to hide their motives. Stay out of their way if you can, apologize if you must, and duck either way. These women have no surprises for you.
“I’ve got seven women on my mind…Two that wanna own me”
These women are a little trickier. They should not be allowed to own you. Eagles have to fly free.
“She came from Providence,
The one in Rhode Island
Where the old world shadows hang
Heavy in the air”
The Eagles are, fundamentally, a band of the West and its people. How can you trust a woman from the East?
“There were lines on the mirror, lines on her face
She pretended not to notice she was caught up in the race
Out every evening until it was light
He was too tired to make it, she was too tired to fight about it”
You should never be too tired to fight about it.
“Her mind is Tiffany-twisted, she got the Mercedes-Benz
She’s got a lot of pretty, pretty boys she calls friends”
Why are all of her friends good-looking young men? Why does she have to call them her friends — why aren’t they just her friends? It sounds like she commands a twink army.
“Don’t you draw the queen of diamonds, boy
She’ll beat you if she’s able”
It’s not worth finding out if she’s able or not. Stick with the queen of hearts.
“Beauty in the devil’s disguise
She can tell you all about it
She sees it in the stars
She’ll burn you if you try to put her down”
She’ll find a way to burn you, even if you don’t. Women who burn will find an excuse, eventually.
“You never smile at me late at night
Laugh out loud when we get it right
You can’t get loose if there’s too much light
You never smile like a lover”
This woman cannot laugh! Nor smile! Run from her bed!
“All the debutantes in Houston, baby”
You can never trust a debutante in a rock song. Ditto society girls, city girls, uptown girls, daddy’s girls, rich girls, and good girls, unless they are willing to ditch the upper crust and run away with the singer.
“City girls just seem to find out early
How to open doors with just a smile
A rich old man and she won’t have to worry
She’ll dress up all in lace and go in style
Late at night a big old house gets lonely
I guess every form of refuge has its price
And it breaks her heart to think her love is
Only given to a man with hands as cold as ice
So she tells him she must go out for the evening
To comfort an old friend who’s feelin’ down
But he knows where she’s goin’ as she’s leavin’
She’s headed for the cheatin’ side of town”
What did I tell you about city girls? What did I just tell you about city girls?
“I’ve been searching for the daughter of the devil himself
I’ve been searching for an angel in white
I’ve been waiting for a woman who’s a little of both
And I can feel her but she’s nowhere in sight”
A woman who can make her presence felt without being seen is powerful and terrible. Do not let her find you.
“One says she’s a friend of mine”
RUN AWAY AND KEEP RUNNING. All of the other women are furious with or anxious to control you; who is this mysterious siren who sees you as no threat? Why does she have to tell you she is your friend? How can she be your friend if you are not hers? Mark my words, she is the most dangerous of the seven, and if she catches you you will never find your way back to the road again.
Tags: do not joke about the eagles to me, fuck off you’re not too good for the eagles, music, the eagles, the eagles are serious business, their music connected to a lot of people what have you ever done with your life, women
TIFFANY-TWISTED ARE THE WORDS THAT HE SAYS THERE IN THAT SONG???!? I thought it was…… something else. Like, “definitely twisted” but sung really fast/weird? I don’t know. Mind blown.
I thought the exact same thing
I LEARNED A NEW THING TODAY.
i read that and thought “oooooohh, yeah. that makes sense. much more sense than *mumblebumble*-y twisted.”
The song was on one of the Rock Band/Guitar Hero disks that involved singing… so, as with many other songs, I came to actually look upon the verses/bridges with a fuller understanding. It was a delight to discover just how many puns were in that song.
And then… interesting… to finally read up on all the alternate realities being defended about the lyrics in Sweet Home Alabama and The Trees.
No one should ever say video games aren’t educational.
Tiffany-twisted as in an ornate Louis Comfort Tiffany Lampshade- doesn’t everyone know that ? Obviously our Eagle Boys have spent some quality time watching Antiques Roadshow
Agreed. I thought it was “definitely twisted” or maybe “twisty ‘n twisted.”
I had legit always heard that as “timpani-twisted,” and I know that makes no sense, except I did know a timpani player in high school who was shady as fuck.
Also I just re-read this comment and I am ashamed at the sheer quantity of internet slang in it. I apologize.
If it makes you feel better, all the slang you used is definitely regular, IRL slang here in California.
making me laugh in an important meeting
I thought it was “differently twisted” for a very very long time.
Related: I literally just realized the other week that the title of the song/what Rod Stewart sings is “Bette Davis Eyes”. I have always heard “She’s got better days than I”, which, while sounding overly proper makes about as much sense as anything?
I had a friend in college whose mom thought that Billy Idol’s “Eyes Without a Face” was “How’s About a Date”. That still cracks me up, years later.
My mother’s best friend in the entire world spent years thinking the chorus of “Do the Hustle” was “Tuna Hotsauce!” and in her defense it’s not like it makes a whole lot of difference either way.
Wait. It’s NOT “She’s got better days than I”?? WHAT.
Well, get ready for another surprise because Rod Stewart never sang that song! It was sung by Kim Carnes, whose raspy voice apparently caused many people to assume it was ol’ Rod the Mod.
Whaaaaaaaaaattt my world is crumbling!
Same here. I never knew these were the words. What.
I’ve only read the first one so far, and I’ve already done a spit-take in my office. MALLORY!
Sending this to my Eagle’s Devotee Father who will get a kick out of it and send it to all of his friends.
“Twink”?
that’s when you roll a new character but you give it all lvl 20 gear
best comment
YES
Of dubious trustworthiness, the victim of love:
“Some people never come clean
I think you know what I mean
You’re walking the wire of pain and desire
Lookin’ for love in between”
Probably more trustworthy is the terminally pretty girl in “Life in the Fast Lane”, if only because she’s too tired to give a shit about anything.
Women in Eagles songs seem to be big fans of platonic friendships with guys and I’m perfectly okay with that.
The Cheatin’ Side of town should be clearly marked on city maps. I expect VOX to get on right on this so we know where to go to either avoid cheatin’, or participate therein, depending on whether we are city or country girls
57 maps that indicate the cheatin’ side of town
by Matthew Yglesias
this community o’ internet peoples makes me so happy!
Tiffany-twisted
That’s what that says? I thought I knew every word of that song, and I thought the Eagles weren’t good at pronouncing ‘definitely.’
Perfect ranking.
Also I grew up with every debutante in Houston. (Poor little upper-middle-class girl at the upper-class high school.) Stay away from them, people. Stay away.
OHHHH, you mean witch-AY woman.
When I was 6 I used to listen to all my dad’s records, and Witchy Woman was my favorite song. But I thought he was singing about an actual witch who could fly around. I also wondered who the crazy guy was in the other room.
I can’t hear “Witchy Woman” mentioned without having the same thought. And as these were popular when I was a child, I still feel the same confusion for her driving herself mad with a silver spoon along with Billy Joel’s Big Shot who had a spoon up his nose. Kid me thought that was certainly a way to get attention, but kind of embarrassing behavior. Adult me? Not much smarter about drugs.
Until a moment ago when I read your comment, I did not know that was a drug reference. I guess I thought the spoon was some kind of… magic thing? Like trying to bend spoons with your mind powers? I have no idea.
I was really disappointed when I grew up and understood about the spoon. When I was little, I had this idea that she couldn’t have mirrors in the house because of some kind of witchly mirror aversion, so she was trying to see her reflection in the spoon, but it was all distorted and it was driving her nuts. It was a way more interesting explanation.
I like to imagine that all of these are being said by an actual bird, not a bunch of humans who call themselves Eagles. It then reads like a notes from a reverse-zoology trip.
I would like to command a twink army?
Indeed!
A woman who commands her very own twink army is a woman I want to be friends with.
We can wear fancy hats and sunglasses together!
@ethylbenzene
That’s my retirement plan.
If you alternate with the bears then no one will ever know what to expect from you.
SHAPESHIFTER TWINK ARMY
Go to bed, Jane Russell.
Also, I would like to point out that just because a girl is slowing down to take a look at you, it’s only because she’s in Winslow, AZ. Don’t flatter yourself. Have you ever BEEN to Winslow? Pickins are slim!
I have. And they are.
Thumbing up furiously, even though only one is allowed.
Yeah, but I was quite sure I was in the wrong song.
“fuck off you’re not too good for the eagles” may be my new favorite tag.
I was going with “their music connected to a lot of people what have you ever done with your life” personally.
I love The Eagles and long have been made to feel shame about that, but no more. VINDICATION.
“Now I have loved you like a baby
Like some lonesome child
And I have loved you in a tame way
And I have loved you wild”
This is very inconsistent and probably quite confusing to this woman. Have you considered asking her how she would like to be loved?
It is probably for the best that you run down the Seven Bridges Road, and you should not return. Go back to the witchy woman.
I have loved you like a baby
So… constantly haunted by the fear that I might have made a terrible mistake by bringing you into my life? Dreading the moments you will inevitably call for me in the night, and wishing you’d make fewer demands on my time?
Any woman distrusted by the fucking Eagles is a friend to me, as the enemy of my enemy. Can we count Don Henley songs as well? Cause I would definitely party with the top-down, slicked-back hair, Wayfarer-wearing lady even after the boys of summer are gone.
Yes, do not Eagles songs make you wonder how on earth they ever found a woman to take it to the limit with?
I would like to be the Wayfarer lady with slicked back, sans roof, sans cares…
I’d party with both the girl (my lord) in the flat bed Ford and the slicked back-hair, Wayfarer wearing girl.
So, I know there is a lot of Eagles love here at The Toast, which I appreciate and respect, but does anyone else here love Poco? To me they are the superior country-inspired-rock-turned-easy-listening-adult-contemporary band of the 70’s, and so many people love The Eagles, but have never listened to Poco, which is a TRAVESTY.
But for reals, listen to “Rose of Cimarron” or “A Good Feelin’ To Know” and be wowed.
I am entirely unfamiliar with them and will have to look them up on Youtube when I get home from work!
I vaguely remember them from the 70s but I don’t recall their songs well. I did, however, once rent a room from a woman who had slept with the bass player from Poco after they played the Albuquerque State Fair! I think it was a high point in her life because I heard the story about 5 times in the few months I lived in her house.
That is truly magical.
I used to love Poco, for their first handful of albums. Unlike the Eagles, who I could appreciate but not love.
I unfortunately heard Richie Furay sing live about a year ago. Oh, I wish I had not done that, but more than that I wish he hadn’t tried.
This just makes me want to make comics about witchy women that hang out and terrorize gormless singer bros.
Also, twink army steadfastly remains one of my Middle-Aged Life Goals.
This is glorious.
I always hear the line as “She got the Mercedes Bends.”
As in, driving an expensive car has (figuratively) filled her blood with nitrogen, like a deep-sea diver ascending to the surface. The suggestion is that she cannot stand to be in a less-expensive car.
Nor can she easily transition from the luxury lifestyle she’s accustomed to. In short, she’s a spoiled rich person, who needs to check her privilege.
However, one should note that she’s as trapped as everyone else is. So having money is not the way out of the hotel.
I’ve always heard it as “Mercedes Bends” too!
See, that line would have been awesome.
Wait…that’s not the line???
All women from Providence, Rhode Island are either fishwomen, cultists, or the human avatars of unspeakable crawling chaos aliens.
But in my experience that doesn’t make them untrustworthy, you know?
I mean, at least you know upfront what to expect. Except in the case of the human avatars of unspeakable crawling chaos aliens. If you find one of those, though, you’re probably doomed anyway, so your level of trust doesn’t matter anymore.
You guys (the comment section) are KILLING it today! A+
It is Tiffany-twisted, but it’s not Mercedes Benz, it’s Mercedes bends — a pun on “the bends” (decompression sickness), and a riff on Tiffany-twisted.
I remember being taught, as a Christian teen, how this song was about a Satanic cult. And somehow, this song was supposed to make you want to join that cult. I concluded that if the theory was correct, the devil and his minions mustn’t be very good at advertising, which is a bit of a shame considering that their line of work is tempting people. I mean, who wants to sit down at the dinner table to be served a live beast you can’t kill, no matter how many times you stab it? And who wants to check into a hotel you can never leave, where room service is short of wine? Apparently, it’s actually about the trappings of fame (yawn).
A few months ago, the song popped up as a random earworm, so I Googled the lyrics (I always Google the lyrics to my earworms. If I’m going to hear the same verse over and over in my head for a week, I might as well hear it correctly). I was thinking about the verse “how they danced in the courtyard/ sweet summer sweat/ some dance to remember/ some dance to forget” and wondering if it was about heroin. I never did find out, but I learned about Tiffany-twisted and Mercedes bends, neither of which I had heard correctly before. I thought it was a neat bit of wordplay.
If I were to create a song with the intention of luring listeners toward my theoretical dark arts cult (which I very much want to do now), I would not make it sound anywhere near how hotel california sounds. I mean, I have gone through a few phases where I really liked that song and still appreciate it, I just think you need something with just a bit more edge if you’re going to be paranoid about satanic cults.
That’s exactly how I felt (I too grew up with the “Hotel California is an evil devil-worshiping song” teachings). When I heard it for the first time, I was like, “This charming, calypso-sounding song is Satanic? whut”
But by then I was well aware that one can write a song with creepy imagery and not be promoting anything. It’s just a horror song with some clever lyrics and nice music. To this day it’s one of my favorite songs, and have wanted to obtain a twink army since the moment I heard that lyric.
Extra-good levels of specificity in the tags today!
“One says she’s a friend of mine.”
Obviously, you’re now part of her twink army.
I don’t know, a twink army sounds like a cat army in concept. Un-herdable.
OMG, another million thumbs up-who knew an Eagles post could invoke so many laugh out loud moments?
Maybe instead of herding them you attach rockets to them and let them loose in the direction of your enemies?
Is this the appropriate space to admit that when I was younger I bizarrely assumed that the Hotel California was Manderley converted into a mental institution/rehab centre? I had literally no basis for that assumption, but I just kind of figured the two were the same place.
I think this might be the singularly appropriate place for this admission. I love it here.
I’d like to see this for the various iterations of the titular character in “She’s Always A Woman To Me” by Billy Joel.
“She’ll carelessly cut you and laugh while you’re bleeding.”
Wait a minute. Mallory, did you somehow travel back in time and meet Billy Joel in the mid-1970s?
I think their songs were about ethics in journalism
Nah, they’re about abortion.
The Eagles are my happy place. Their music always destresses me, possibly because my earliest memories involve listening to them while strapped into my car seat in the back of my parents’ VW camper van.
I have always assumed that the witchy woman was masturbating with a spoon, which seems like it would be uncomfortable, but perhaps that was the only silver instrument she could find and silver is a turn on for witches. That dude should buy her an njoy, they are silver and perfect and then he would have her witchy love forever.
I assume she’s masturbating with privilege, as in grew up with a silver spoon in her mouth, only, well… in other places.
She uses the silver spoon to snort coke, is what I always thought.
This song is about Stevie Nicks. She was fond of cocaine.
I know this is old, but it was actually about Zelda Fitzgerald.
I’m curious about the trustworthiness of the woman whose sparkling earrings lay against her skin so brown. I’m thinking that liking to sleep under the stars is a mark in her favor, but that a man would be foolish to trust a woman who gives him a peaceful, easy feeling when they are alone in the desert.
“Oh, but she can’t take you anyway,
You don’t already know how to go.”
Na na you can’t make me.
I love the instrumental bit at the end of Waiting In The Weeds, which is the only Eagle song I know, probably because I heard it first in a bookshop and I’m quite Pavloved when it comes to bookshops.
TIL the only Eagles songs I know by heart are from their Greatest Hits album & I’ve missed out on too many more. FML
“One says she’s a friend of mine”
I always heard that line as “one, well, she’s a friend of mine,” like he’s got all these crazy relationships and then there’s his buddy who just hangs out some times and that’s all. I picture the dude shrugging a bit in slight amazement every time. Maybe he’s thinking of calling her and hoping she’ll help him hide from the other six women….
Could she have friend zoned him, and he is a bit too dim to realize what that means?
I always believed that “the 4 that want to stone me” were looking to get high with the Eagles, not actually throw rocks. Got it now. Completely.
I always believed that "the 4 that want to stone me" were looking to get high with the Eagles, not actually throw rocks. Got it now. Completely.