The Texts From Jane Eyre Tour: Where To See Me, If You Want To See Me

by Mallory Ortberg · October 30, 2014

Friends and well-wishers, what ho! You are no doubt aware that Texts From Jane Eyre is widely available for purchase beginning November 4th. Should you like to acquire a copy for yourself, I recommend following the words of Wodehouse, which are as true today as they were eighty years ago:

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Replacing, of course, the word “Wodehouse” with “Ortberg” and not speaking French unless you have to.

Here is a list of places you can find me over the coming months:

November 4th – 7:00pm
Housing Works Bookstore
126 Crosby Street
New York, NY 10012
Event Details

November 5th – 9:30pm
Guernica 10th Anniversary
Gala Afterparty
At the Museum of the Moving Image
36-01 35th Avenue
Astoria, NY 11106
Buy Tickets

November 13th – 7:30pm
The Booksmith
1644 Haight Street
San Francisco, CA 94117
Event Details

November 15th – 2:15pm
Forever Fest
“Women on the Internet” Panel
At the Alamo Drafthouse
1120 S Lamar Blvd
Austin, TX 78704
Buy Tickets

November 19th – 7:00pm
Books, Inc.
2251 Chestnut Street
San Francisco, CA 94123
Event Details

November 21st – 6:30pm
The Booksmith “Bookswap” Event
1644 Haight Street
San Francisco, CA 94117
Buy Tickets

November 22nd – 7:30pm
Pegasus Books
2349 Shattuck Ave
Berkeley, CA 94704
Event Details

December 7th – 7:30pm
Powell’s
1005 W Burnside St.
Portland, OR 97209
Event Details

Come to them, if you’re able! I’d like to see some friendly faces as a reward for working up the courage to board a plane.

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90 Comments

        1. citizenchristy +19

          Do you want to wear costumes? By which I mean cardigans. What I’m saying is, let’s wear cardigans.

  3. turanga_leela +2

    I got a ticket for the Austin show!!! Jazmine Hughes will be there, too! So very excited!

    Will you be signing books? I’ll have to change my Amazon order to a real book.

  4. Shay +20

    Any plans to visit States That Do Not Border Oceans?

    (YES, I am counting the Gulf as sort of the inflated gullet of the Atlantic)

  5. deleted7410012 +4

    i’ll come to the berkeley one! and maybe the book swap too, because that sounds awesome.

    1. figwiggin +3

      I’ll come to the Berkeley one too, because it’s not on a weeknight and the East Bay is marginally closer to the Central Valley!

    2. figwiggin +2

      I mean, I’d love to come to the book swap because YEAH, but there’s no way I can get from Stockton to SF in an hour and a half on a Friday night.

      1. meat_cat +20

        So let’s say I am friends with a feminist bookstore owner in Chicago (because that would be true): does she just…email you?

      4. manulpika +1

        Done! I hope they are inundated by emails telling them how amazing you are and call you immediately.

      5. Christine

        WE HAVE A FEMINIST BOOKSTORE

        IT IS CALLED “WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST”

        WHAT COULD BE BETTER THAN THAT

        COME TO CHICAGO

        You can use my guest room, if you need it.

        It is not very good, but it exists, and would be free.

        Also my home is inhabited by A Man.

      1. Frumiosa +36

        CHALLENGE ACCEPTED, Ortberg. Just sent to Brookline Booksmith:

        Hi there, I’m a huge fan of your store and of The Toast, whose co-founder Mallory Ortberg is touring over the next few months with her new book, Texts from Jane Eyre. The Toast has a substantial fanbase in Boston, and we’re all Mallory cultists who would come out, share the event with everyone we know, and give you lots of money. Please bring Mallory!

        Thank you.

        1. PomoFrannyGlass +15

          Try the Harvard Book Store or Porter Square Books if Booksmith doesn’t hook you up!

  8. winterbymorning +73

    mallory why won’t you come to canada

    we are very friendly and i’ve only ever seen whole pigeons here

    1. cosmia +24

      I saw some totally plump, robust pigeons sitting on a ledge just 20 minutes ago when I went to the post office and thought “Mallory would be okay with these Toronto pigeons”

  9. Terry +8

    The deck was stacked against a Midwestern tour stop, but I was still hopeful! In any case, it’s on my list of books to buy.

    1. betsymore +3

      I enjoy the contrast between the cheerful midwestern resignation and the angry Bostonian offense-taking above.

      /Bostonian

  10. grahamwjenkins +30

    If you come to DC I will PERSONALLY give you a tour of the General Motors Hall of Transportation at the American History Museum

    1. Lake +8

      Come to DC and I will give you a (maybe made-up but maybe real depending on the subject) tour of anything you’d like to see.

    2. zachariahary +9

      Sigh. The Bostonians and Chicagoans got challenged to line up a bookstore invite. Us Washingtonians just got a tacit, ‘No. I will not come to DC. It is a garbage city.’
      While I can’t dispute this, it makes me so sad.

    3. MolyGrease +10

      I just emailed Kramer Books requesting they invite her! Are there other bookstores in the district that we should reach out to?

      1. gracefruits +10

        I emailed Politics & Prose since they do so many events! Kramerbooks would be awesome…

      2. grahamwjenkins +1

        Ooh! Politics and Prose, maybe? Idle Time and Second Story don’t do signings and that sort of thing, do they?

  12. mabissam +2

    I just told my local bookshop to invite you! We have an ocean nearby and some really great coffee and ice cream establishments. I’d love to buy you a cup of each if you’re in town! But, like, not a cup of ocean (that’s free).

    2. highjump +2

      THANK YOU. Polls won’t yet be closed I mean what even. Mallory, you are suppressing the vote! And I will have a stress hangover + actual hangover on the 5th so WHO KNOWS what my capacity to get to Astoria will be like.

  14. 2for1cheesecake +12

    Come to the Twin Cities! Twin Cities Toasties, what would be the best bookstore to lobby for this event (I’m new here)?

  15. robot_dinosaur +5

    If only one of the New York ones was on a weekend, I would come from Boston. ;_; But in lieu of this, I will message everyone in Portland to show up at Powell’s.

  16. Frumiosa +58

    RELATED: Just got an email in my inbox with the subject: MALLOY ’14: It’s Happening
    I read it as MALLORY ’14 and was so excited for a minute until I realized it was just spam for the stupid CT governor’s race.

    Anyway, MALLORY ’14!

  18. stateside_ +4

    I love these places and want to go to all of them and also want to encourage some kind of Nashville Toast thing sometime.

  19. msjinxie +3

    So just how bugshit is the Booksmith event on the 13th going to be? Because I’m predicting hellla bugshit (in the best possible way, of course). Since it’s all of 2 blocks from my house I really have no excuse not to make it there, eh?

        1. gentlehangovers +2

          I know! It’s quite sad we haven’t gotten together yet (that I know of) – I’m sure we’ve all unknowingly run into each other in the neighborhood. Maybe we can figure out how to recognize each other at this event.

  20. landofaprilia +1

    Ugh I hate living in Phoenix! Next time, come to changing hands bookstore. All local books and a basement bar!

  22. miprisci +18

    Every time it’s the wrong Spanish saint.

    One of these days, it will be “Diego” instead of “Francisco,” and I will put down my tacos and surfboard and bizarrely pleasant weather, and I will know what culture is. One day. Maybe someday soon.

    3. inapartydress +3

      Realized I sound like a weird robot. Caroline is Mallory’s book publicist. She can help you set something up if you’re interested!

  24. anon210 +1

    Given your well-known feelings on New York and planes, thanks for coming back to see us!

    If we bring copies of The Book to the launch event at Housing Works, will you be signing?

    1. Scarlet_Flight +4

      I may have to crash at my parents’ place in Portland. Sorry mom, I didn’t come home to see YOU.

    2. Natteringwpride +1

      Seconded! Mallory Portland is SO CLOSE, just go North about five hours. Seattle needs you!

  26. jadoogan +6

    I would like to register a formal complaint that you are not coming anywhere in the middle of the country except maybe Texas and Texas doesn’t count as they may secede at any moment.

    Come to Chicago! Chicago is great! I will drag any number of people out to see you! Any! Number!

  27. threatqualitypress +10

    Of course no Philadelphia.

    Just as well, I suppose; no one should go to Philadelphia if they don’t have to.

  29. inapartydress +9

    Realizing I sound like a spambot all over this thread. Clarification: If there are bookstore people here and you want Mallory to visit, you should write to her and to her book publicist. The aforementioned Caroline. Who is a delight.

  31. MameDC +17

    Come to my house Mallory I will make you cookies and also bring Nicole. I have books there. I do not know why you are refusing to come to my house. Gosh write one book and all the sudden you are too busy to do personalized individual book signings for total strangers. This happens to literally every single person who writes a book and is not a personal friend of mine.

  32. LordSmellington

    If i get a book store to invite you to little ole Cork in little ole Ireland will you come?? There are a fair few pigeons which are mostly intact and a butter museum, who doesn't want to go visit the butter museum??!! It makes a lot of sense really!

  34. Erica_H +3

    I actually held my breath until I saw Austin on the list and then I had to start breathing again so I could buy tickets without passing out.

  35. betsaroo

    I enjoy the contrast between the cheerful midwestern resignation and the angry Bostonian offense-taking above.

    /Bostonian

  36. CMC

    Any 2015 tour dates? Any chance you’ll be returning to Georgia? I’d love to get a signed book as a gift for my sister!