This is the best of all seasons! It is The Bartender’s birthday season. Can we start talking about nice things unexpected people have done for us this year? Can we talk about butter? Open thread like the New York wind on a warm fall day (not the present frigid air of death!)
Tags: cocktail hour, open thread, the bartender
NICE THINGS, Toast. The holidays are coming. Time for a gift thread. What are you giving? What are you hoping to get? Also: GIFT IDEAS, because oh god I need some.
My husband is getting a new butt stock for his rifle, on his request, and also new socks and a T-shirt and hat and maybe a couple other little things. My mom is getting a pretty yarn bowl and knitting encyclopedia. My dad is….a big old question mark. (What do you get dads???)
I think we’re going to ask my parents for a new set of cookware for Christmas because my old stuff is so shitty that we’re probably eating Teflon with every meal. (Cookware recommendations, anyone???) I will probably also get makeup from my husband and/or a book or two. But what do you guys WANT for Christmas? Gifts are hard! So many of the things I want are either really personal (clothes) or I would just buy myself any time (books, whatever) and then holidays roll around and I have no idea what I want.
Also I tend to feel all fraught during the holidays because my parents really like to make a Big Deal, with a lot of gifts, and I get so cringey because I can’t get out of my thoughts of “oh my god, commercialization, buying things, what would people think of us” long enough to really enjoy the process, and if I ask my mom to be like “Hey, I only want a couple gifts this year—like one or two,” she acts like I’ve stabbed her in the heart. Mom. Come on. (urghgh I can’t even type this without feeling horrid on so many levels and wanting to cry)
I have no idea what to get my dad so I’m hoping some other folks chime in with dad ideas! Last year I got him a battery organizer.
Every year my parents say “let’s not do anything crazy this year, just a few small things” and then they go crazy and buy a million things and I never have more than one or two ideas!
This year my dad did the unthinkable – he asked for a specific gift ahead of time and didn’t buy it for himself. Very excited to give him a new fancy wireless bike computer. 🙂
That is not proper dad behavior! Dads are supposed to hint at multiple vague things in November and then buy them all for themselves by Dec. 1. Are you sure it is your real dad, or a nefarious dadpelganger?
Both of my parents always buy themselves things in December and I DON’T. UNDERSTAND.
One year I banned my dad from buying any DVDs during the month of December just so I could have something within my price range that I could give him. And that was the only year I managed to stop him from buying everything he wanted for himself.
One year I bought my dad 2 Charlie Chaplin DVDs. My older brother went and bought him a Charlie Chaplin boxed set, neatly rendering my gift totally superfluous. We hadn’t discussed our gifts beforehand – it was just an absurd coincidence.
My dad buys himself things and my mother whisks them away, wraps them, and sticks them under the tree as “to dad from dad.”
My dad buys weird jazz CDs online and then doesn’t listen to them for months and months. My mom and I will grab stacks from the not-listened-yet pile and wrap them for holidays, and the best part is that there’s always at least one in there that he forgot he’d bought and is genuinely surprised and excited to see.
Hahahahaha oh man. “I’ve been meaning to check this one out, thanks guys!”
<3 biking dads <3
A battery organizer wins the prize for the dad-est gift of all time
Last year I got him a mustache care kit that contained a little brush and scissors and a tube of mustache wax. He professed delight but never actually used it. He’s tricky to shop for because he just doesn’t really want things. I usually get him some fancy(ish) wool socks because you can never have too many warm socks!
Yes. Dads love things made of wool. I got mine a Filson vest years ago. He still raves about it and wears it when I visit.
Every year I get my dad a weekly planner calendar (usually Audubon or Sierra Club for the pretty pictures) because he likes to write down the weather and the high and low temperatures for every day and has been doing this for years.
omg i love that
Ooh that’s a good idea. My dad prints out the forecast every week (cause Dad) and writes down the actual temperatures and precipitation every day. I wonder if Environment Canada does a planner?
My dad asks for a Weather Guide calendar every year that has the avg/record high/low and sunrise/sunset times. A local news station produces it and I think some money goes toward nature conservation.
Fancy mustards. Dads get fancy mustards, or at least mine does, and he loves it.
We did that one year for boyfriend’s dad, a mustard of the month club. At first he was perplexed, and then he really enjoyed it.
I’m thinking LED headlamp for dads because I have zero other ideas. And he’d totally use one, so there’s that. The Garret Wade catalog/ website is also a good source for dad gifts if your dad tends towards stereotypical dad hobbies.
I can vouch for this as a Dad-endorsed gift. I got him one several years ago and he uses it every time he goes camping or fishing (which is lots).
My stepdad CANNOT COMPREHEND that I do not want to go Black Friday shopping (which I have occasionally done with my parents in the past).
“But what will you DO?”
“I dunno…sleep? Watch TV? Hang out with my brother and his fiancee, who are visiting and whom I rarely get to see? Play a game? Read a book? LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE?”
I’m really excited for my Dad’s present – if I get it finished in time. I’m cross stitching the international maritime flags (alphabet + numerals) with the morse code underneath.
What I’m hoping for? No idea. Fancy food is always appreciated!
I legit asked for food gift baskets last year. And got two!
Cookware recs: I love my ceramic non-stick stuff so far. I buy random pieces when I find them at TJ Maxx, so not super high quality but a zillion times better than Teflon.
This holiday season I’m asking for gift certificates from Penzey’s Spices, plain square potholders (sounds ridiculous but honestly I’m just gonna keep using my ratty old nasty ones until they literally wear to threads), and this travel-size air humidifier. I would also like one of these lamps but I’m not holding out much hope for that one.
Last year my mom carefully handmade new potholders for me and my sister; I went with her to choose the fabric (so we did not get sparkly princess fabrics, but sturdy kitchen print fabric, know your giftgetting audience–my mom does, but still likes to choose prints that my sister and I probably wouldn’t have liked as 5 year olds–), and they are the best potholders ever. If anyone in your giftgiving circle is into handmaking gifts, potholders are pretty great!
For those contemplating making potholders as gifts, there are two (at least) backing fabrics that the fabric place will try to sell you for potholders. Do not get the shiny silver ‘heat reflecting’ fabric. It is awful. The other, a thick ‘quilted’ muslin-y colored fabric is the fabric you want! Mom sandwiched the actual potholder fabric between two layers of the sturdy kitchen print fabric and did the nice tape finish with even the little loop to hang the potholder on a hook.
Okay wait, what’s all this about eating Teflon. My pans are Teflon. This is the first I’m hearing of anything bad. Is my belly full of Telfon! SOMEBODY! Help me out!
I think probably Teflon by itself is okay, but I am made nervous by how easily it’s damaged and flakes off and that is what I don’t want in my body. So if you’re only using pristine, unmarred Teflon with no wear you’re most likely okay. But who wants to buy new Teflon pans every year? So I’ve recently started to use ceramic when I need non-stick and my trusty stainless steel for everything else.
I will be examining my pans for mars tonight! (unmarred vs “mars” as a noun? Probably not). Thanks!
ladyfren. Get yourself some cast iron at the Goodwill or wherever you thrift. Adds iron to your diet, never out of style, easy to clean.
This is all 100% new to me. It truly adds iron? Where have I been on this topic for my whole life? I feel so wide eyed. I need to start subscribing to pots & pans blogs immediately. I’ve just been going on my merry way assuming everybody else uses teflon, too.
This is an open thread so I don’t feel too bad de-railing… is cast iron really that easy to clean? I thought they couldn’t soak and that you always have to “season” them.
I also want to know more, because I’ve always stayed away from cast iron believing they were hard to clean, got hot and hard to handle, and required seasoning.
Cast iron is great! Serious Eats has a few very chill articles regarding cast iron: here and here
Cast iron is lovely. New in the store usually comes seasoned, or used/thrifted will probably be seasoned by the previous owner. Do not buy cast iron with any rust on it.
It’s true that you can’t soak it, but you don’t need to. If stuff gets stuck on, use a scraper to remove it, wipe it out with a damp paper towel or dishrag (no soap), and let it dry on the still-hot burner (or if gas, turn the burner up to get the pan hot again, then turn off and let it dry itself as it cools).
Sometimes you do have to re-season it, but it’s not hard. A little time-consuming, but not hard. http://www.lodgemfg.com/FAQRetrieve.aspx?ID=14531…
Cast iron is really great for some things, since it’s indestructible, oven-safe, and evens out heat transfer. That being said, I still have a teflon wok and I will probably always keep at least one non-stick pan around. Even well-seasoned cast iron isn’t as non-stick as teflon, and it can be slightly difficult to clean and you have to be careful about putting acidic things in it or leaving it wet. My parents only ever had cast iron and enamel, and I spent so much of my youth scraping stuck-on scrambled eggs from cast iron that non-stick was pretty much the greatest thing I had ever seen when I moved out and my roommate showed me her non-stick pan.
Scouring pad, man. I’ve done the nonstick thing for a long time too and while when it’s really nonstick it’s great, when something inevitably does get crusted all over your teflon pan you’re pretty much screwed on cleanup.
I keep a ceramic pan around pretty much just for cooking with tomatoes/acidic shit what’ll eat the iron, and it’s just uuuuugh such a pain when I’m used to just use a little oil for everything, scour a couple seconds if mega filthy, let dry, done.
You do have to season them, which you do by… cooking with them. Using oil. Pretty much anything that’s not a sauce (or in itself really greasy, like bacon or something) is going to involve starting with a layer of oil, and nothing ever really sticks because of the oil, and on the occasions where something does get stuck you can just go to town with any old scraping implement because they’re not wilting lilies like teflon pans and will be basically unaffected by anything short of an angle grinder. You can soak ’em a little, like not for hours or anything, but the one real limitation is you really cannot use soap on them.without needing to reseason.
The Lodge ones are good but if you want the really primo shit look around the thrift stores for ones with smooth inner surfaces.
I am, admittedly, feeling a little fraught w/r/t gifts this season; being as it is my first semester in graduate school (and for my MFA, no less), I am far more strapped for cash than the usual. So I think I’m going to be depending on some homemade jams that I can easily tuck into my carry-on and subsequently either frame or wrap when at my parents’ house. I might have to even be like “SIGH MY GIFT IS SIMPLY BEING HERE, WHICH YOU HAD TO PAY FOR ANYWAY,” which is disgusting and I hate it. I might do things like “offer to do X while I’m here” or something?? Because really, what I will have is the gift of time, which is admittedly in short supply at the mo.
As for myself, I greedily admit to hoping that I will get Warm Garments for Christmas, or items in which to make said garments (READ: yarn). Although I am dealing quite well with my move from the relatively wintery climate of Indiana to the hyper-wintery climate of Minnesota (in comparison!!), I yearn for more flannels and long-sleeved shirts and fleece-lined items in which to make my days all the more comfortable. I mean, I guess what I really want is money for January rent, BUT THAT SEEMS CRUDE TO REQUEST.
Your parents will probably love your time! Mine always do. Last year my mom sent me the list of Christmas/holiday events around the Bay and told me to choose whichever one I would tolerate going to, and doing that together would be part of my present to her.
My parents don’t really approve of giving me money either, but one year I did ask for and receive a Safeway gift card, if they’d like that better?
Last year my mom sent me the list of Christmas/holiday events around the Bay and told me to choose whichever one I would tolerate going to – for the record, that is THE MOST ADORABLE PRESENT EVER. I’m really lucky that my mom is pretty much the easiest ever (“Oh goodness, you want to bake with me? Hooray!”) but it’s the dad that will prove difficult. It might be “here’s a coupon to dig out your truck one day during my visit” or something, because – as ever – fathers defy gifting.
Does your dad like movies? I usually get a couple of movie gift certificates and wrap them up nicely and say we can go see whatever he wants. And maybe you can make some cheap snacks to take along with you instead of buying popcorn?
My “I have no money!” year present for my dad was a bunch of homemade biscotti in a nice mug. Biscotti is actually really easy to make, and it can be very minimally sweet if he’s not into desserts, but everyone appreciates a snack with their coffee, right? And it lasts for a long time since it’s basically already stale.
one year my dad* got my mom tickets to see Wicked on a weekend when I would be back in town visiting. My gift to him was that I would be going with her instead of him.
*(I bought the tickets to hide them from the CC statement, so there was a weird moment on Christmas morning where mom wrote me a check.)
Make sure your jams are under the TSA limit, tho’, because condiments count as gels. Related: I hope the TSA agent who searched my carry-on in Seattle enjoyed the cookie butter I tried to take to a friend this summer.
I might do things like “offer to do X while I’m here” or something??
I live just a few miles from my mother, and still when I offered to put together her fake tree (a chore she hates), she piped up “That could be my present!” It won’t be her actual present, but believe it when I say I’ll make it a present.
p.s., homemade jam is one of the best presents I can imagine, if you’re able to actually bring it.
How are you ALWAYS first in the open thread? Even when I type out my contribution and refresh the page obsessively until the post comes up, you always beat me. WHAT IS THE SOURCE OF YOUR POWERS?
I write up my post beforehand in a text editor, and my lunch break is right at noon, so I refresh at noon or 12:01, copy-paste-post, and go to lunch. That is all! Then I come back and spend the rest of the day hanging out here.
This makes me happy, for some reason. Toast people are the best people <3
I have gotten my dad Italian Beef shipped straight to his door for every gift giving event since Christmas 2 years ago. I did it once and he never wants anything else. tastesofchicago.com can hook you up if that is also a thing someone you know might like.
Everyone else ???????????????? my cousin might get home brew stuff unless he has an actual idea. I’m taking my bestie and my roommate out to dinner, and covering at least $100-125 of the check. That’s such a cheater gift because it’s a thing I want to do, but so do they!
the only thing on my list so far is a tiny food processor to chop up my garlic and onions on the regular. WHAT ELSE DO I WANT?
” Italian Beef shipped straight to his door” PEAK DAD
He also likes playing with the dry ice it’s packed in!
Seriously though, I’m glad it’s arriving the day before me, because it means I won’t get requests to stop at Al’s to bring some home in my carry on.
Last year we gave my dad (among other small things) a jar of slightly-fancier-than-usual olives. From the grocery store. Which is a mile down the road from their house. He LOVED it, and for weeks afterward would email me to say that he was having some olives.
Fancy candy (or unfancy!) is also a big one with my dad. Giant bags of Hi-Chews, Laffy Taffy or special ordered Peppermint Chews from http://www.columbiacandykitchen.com/ are all hits! (the dog used to be a big fan of the Peppermint Chews, too, unfortunately for dad)
My mom and I have a recent tradition where instead of me giving her a wish list and her buying the stuff, we make a day of it and go shopping together for me. It’s been really nice, we get to spend time together and she can spoil me with a nice lunch and everything and I don’t end up with a bunch of stuff I don’t want but just a few things I like.
I LOVE that. Love it.
My mum and I do that! We usually go boxing day shopping and she has the best taste, so she picks out something great for me.
That’s really lovely. My mom and I started doing that for my birthday a few years ago and it’s honestly one of my favorite things, getting to spend time with her.
My parents literally have nothing better to do with their time (oh, retirees) than to visit second hand stores weekly, so we always get SO MUCH CRAP for Christmas. Like, I got a foot massager shaped like a vibrator just because they knew it would make me laugh. They got me a book on Ayn Rand just for the look on my face. They have decided that I collect salt and pepper shakers because apparently novelty salt and pepper shakers are plentiful in junk shops. (Including a totally racist set they gave me shaped like sleeping Mexicans.)
I already got my gf her gift because she asked for a stainless steel cookware set and one came on sale (I get the Canadian Tire weekly email flyer) that was usually $300 down to $109.
Intrigued: how do you tell the difference between a foot massager shaped like a vibrator and a vibrator masquerading as a foot massager?
THIS IS MY NEW ZEN KOAN.
Send the salt and pepper shakers my way! (well, not the racist ones) I’m weird in that I love the adorable little oddities.
Cookware! I use all Lodge cast iron, and I love it and will tell anyone who will listen about it’s greatness.
I gave Lodge cast iron skillets to my sister and to one of my friends last year! Half the gift was showing them how to clean and use them, and doing some extra seasoning ahead of time. But this is possibly best to do only for people who actually want cast iron skillets, or who have large enough kitchens that they won’t mind storing them.
After discovering it a few years ago, I use nothing except my Lodge cast iron, other than for boiling water. I’m pretty obsessed, but I wonder what I’m missing that people are super into nonstick when Lodge is less expensive, less teflon-ed, sturdier, etc…
I am the same, and I think all we are missing is “style”. Lodge is perfect (and I hate eggs, so that isn’t an issue for me).
I think part of it is what you grew up with. I never knew what a cast iron pan was until I started dating a certain guy at 24. Now, I have a cast iron pan that my gran bought for me at Goodwill, but she & my mom still won’t use cast iron themselves.
I am making homemade vanilla and hot cocoa to give to people this year!
I’m also weaving scarves for a few people, and since I’m not normally that generous with my craftiness I feel like a benevolent goddess for doing so. I’m actually really excited that I got my husband’s aunt for secret santa this year because I just knew she would like a hand-woven scarf and that basically everyone else wouldn’t know what to get her. Gift-giving is a competition right? I really like being good at gift-giving, but I think I like it for the wrong reasons.
I just get my Dad books about baseball and/or The Beatles every year. Because the only thing on his wishlist is used CDs.
Regarding Dad Gifts, my siblings and I get my dad one or several of the following for every Christmas/birthday/Father’s Day:
-a new coffee mug, usually oversized
-fancy coffee beans
-something Beatles-related (once my sister found a Beatles coffee mug, she won that year)
-a new watch because his constantly breaks
As for this year, I am pretty strapped for cash because grad school, so I’m hoping to find small but thoughtful things for my family members. Really all I want is books (I have a list of titles I’ve been meaning to buy but haven’t yet) and kitchen stuff (cake pans, a wire cooling rack, stainless steel mixing bowls).
For clothes, I also usually hate other people picking stuff out for me, so my parents will usually ask if there’s a store I’d like a gift card to so I can shop for individual items myself–it feels like a good compromise.
The adults in my family are getting food gifts, but I’m still trying to decide what to get my niece and nephew. My niece is little enough that I think maybe just clothes, but I’m thinking a book and maybe a blanket for my nephew. (Anyone have book suggestions for a first grader who’s reading at second grade level? I never actually know what’s age appropriate there.)
As for what I’m asking for… oh lord. I just have an Amazon wishlist that I keep updated year round with small things and bigger things. My parents pick and choose off there. If pressed, I guess I would like a food processor or a new set of sheets, but I’d rather let somebody else decide.
If you want metal cookware RegalWare makes really sturdy stuff. I’ve a couple of their pans for five or six years and I’m very happy with them.
Honestly, rather than Xmas presents this year I’d prefer that people give us cash moneys that we can use to help with the wedding/honeymoon. Asking for that is… tricky.
I’ve seen people do honeymoon registries where they break down costs into individual items, so that you give as a gift one night of their hotel suite, or one of their lunches, etc. Maybe you could do something like that as a Christmas wishlist instead of a wedding registry?
We have a Honeyfund set up, but no one knows about it because I am paranoid as hell. We’re having a ceremony that will involve, at the most, 18 people including officiant, and isn’t asking for gifts from people who aren’t invited to the ceremony/reception terribly, terribly gauche? What’s the new normal on this??
BUT if it’s Xmas-related then that’s more OK, right? GUH I DON’T KNOW.
If your parents want to go crazy and you need cookware, let them go crazy buying cookware! A good set of Caphalon pans is amazing but not cheap, and they do non-stick too if that’s what you are looking for. Also a Le Creuset dutch oven because they are both pretty (the colours!) and really practical. I love the Caphalon stainless steel & the Le Creuset because they work in the oven too.
As for presents for us, nobody knows because while there is always stuff we want (nail polish, knitting needles, yarn, cooking stuff, gardening stuff, books, music, etc etc etc) what we really want most is more TIME to use the stuff we have. Maybe I could ask our partner to give us ‘I will drop the kids off’ gift certificates, that would save us like an hour in the morning.
For giving gifts our daughter wants anything to do with Frozen, and our son has just begun his first toy romance with a little metal car that he carries everywhere and insists on sleeping with, so I think he is going to be getting a garage and more cars. We might officially give the very very old iPad to our daughter too, but I need to see if her reading/math apps will actually work on it.
(We do not have any family to give gifts to, outside of our partner and our kids, because our housemate does not do gifts and all of our blood family is in the doghouse forever.)
I try to get everyone’s presents way in advance so I’m pretty much set on the whole family – crafty stuff for mom, a shirt that didn’t come free with 20-year-old network equipment for dad, wierdo art bullshit for sisters and SOs… except my one sister who never actually says what she wants, and I can’t just pick something because she doesn’t have, like, interests. Or express enthusiasm for anything, ever, except occasional clothes that appear to me indistinguishable from the clothes she hates.
I’m thinking some used backyard wrestling videotapes, maybe a Nickelback CD.
I wanna hear more about this sister. What is with people who don’t seem to have passions??
All of us siblings fully appreciate that things that aren’t staring silently into the middle distance and sleeping until 4PM are bullshit, but the rest of us can at least be bothered to pretend to be human for one day out of the year for the convenience of family.
Also that’s an amazing username
My boyfriend and I are going to buy each other bow kits for Christmas, because we’ve taken some archery lessons over the last couple of years and want to start practicing at the range. Everyone else gets gift cards for activities. My family, including the children, have all moved into a “We have enough stuff” stage. WHICH I LOVE.
God how’d you swing that, my whole family’s shit-poor packrats so all anyone can get is one or two pieces of cheap junk the other person wouldn’t have bought for themselves, and everyone’s so flooded with cheap junk that they’d get more out of someone coming along and eliminating some pieces. For a while a couple of us floated the idea of services/cash gifts/nothing, but this was deemed Not Christmasy Enough, and now a few family members have resorted to rewrapping the cheap shit they’ve amassed in their homes and offloading it on the rest of the family every Christmas.
Like half of us are artists of some variety (hence why shit-poor I guess) and I legit would like say some new bowls from my mom’s clay shop, but homemade goods have also been tacitly determined, somehow, Not Christmasy Enough.
I honestly don’t know how we did it, most other families I know of are like yours. I’m just happy and will ride it out as long as I can.
Homemade goods aren’t Christmasy? That’s crazy!
I think that one really boiled down to that, while we’re pretty much all fine with receiving handmade gifts and would like some of the cool shit X makes, we’d also all sooner chew an arm off than be the one deadbeat giving away lame junk from that dumb little thing we do when everyone else is dispensing real presents.
Could you get them to agree to a Secret Santa type thing where everyone buys for only one person? Then at least the one present people get wouldn’t be junk.
I send my parents a Bernard Callebaut Yule Log for Christmas every year – it’s a chocolate log filled with high-end chocolates they’d never buy for themselves. How they manage to stay away from it until December 25th is beyond me, but they do.
Cookware! We have a few pieces of Cuisinart and it’s great- usually half the price of All-Clad (or less…), but total workhorse stuff (the roasting pan is the top pick on Sweethome, if that’s thing that matters to you) If your parents like to spoil you, it might be a good compromise between total luxury and warps when you look at it thin. Cast iron is great, too, but ours are things my husband’s dad found at a garage sale (which I am assured is the place to find such things).
How to Shop for Those Who Shop for Themselves:
I got my friend (who obsessively searches Ebay for vintage Auburn stuff) boozed up during an Auburn game and casually scrolled through 8 MILLION pages of Auburn Ebay (“for myself”) until he commented on a jersey he’d “been eyeing but was too shy to ask the measurements on.” So -I- asked the measurements from the seller, who responded immediately, and then I bought it and he’s gonna go look for it and it’ll be gone AND THEN HE’LL GET IT FOR CHRISTMAS!!!
I am a gift-giving MASTER. Capitalism is a beast under my control.
Otherwise I just get people stuff they need (boring under the bed storage) that looks like something they love (Auburn) that reminds them of our times together (with a new scary movie inside bc we can never find a scary movie for movie night in your rat-hoard under the bed, buddy).
I’m getting the boyfriend An Experience from The Mysterious Package Company. Basically, they set up a mystery-story thing that gets revealed through two letters, and culminating in a package. I’m making friends of mine outdoors beer bottle holders on stakes that go in the ground. I’m getting my adventurously gourmet friend a tagine. I’m making cookies/candy packages for people. I’m hoping to get books, specifically political biographies or some of the books that I’ve encountered here. You should get stainless steel cookware. You can scrub the shit out of it and not worry about getting cancer in your food.
Toastrons who are playing Dragon Age Inquisition: show me your Inquisitors!! Here’s mine: Chikimuu Adaar (long story about the first name), a Vashoth Quanri Mage, who, between her no-nonsense competence, compassion, and freakishly large hands, is the Lana Kane of Thedas. She’ll be trying to get into Blackwall’s lonely pants. I’m pretty sure she can lift a man over her head.
Argh, you guys, the game is SO GOOD. I got sidetracked wandering aimlessly in the Hinterlands for a while, and even though that was fun, I’m now onto the main plot and just got to [BIG END OF FIRST ACT], and everything has exceeded my very high expectations. The characters are wonderful, from the main companions to the smaller NPCs (has anyone else met Krem??). There have been some very funny moments. And the game is goddamn gorgeous.
(Also, happy b-day to the bartender!)
I caaaaan’t plaaaaay because I don’t have any machines that’ll run it and won’t do til next year and I’m soooooo jeeeeallous and I want to cry and make my cool inquisitor and join iiiiiin
Oh noo! Many many sympathies! I remember having to wait over a month to play ME3 and the wait absolutely killing me. Always good to have something to look forward too, though (and I recommend setting some time aside for it, because the game is huge and LONG).
Arrrrrgh I made the terrible decision to finish Origins: Awakening before starting Inquisition because I’d never played it, and that was very dumb of me because I’m not enjoying it very much and my copy of Inquisition is staring at me from the coffee table. Hopefully I can plow through the rest tonight and get on with my life.
Also your inquisitor looks awesome.
Have you played DA2 at all? There’s one piece of DLC (Legacy) that has some fairly relevant connections to Inquisition, so I recommend reading a quick plot summary if you haven’t.
I love Origins and DA2, but for some reason I could never really get into Awakening either. Managed to finish it a while back, but something about the plot always seemed off to me. Maybe because it feels like the one time the series has strayed into unnecessary grimdark, between the awful design and characterization of the Mother and like three sidequests involving suicide? And the worst rune crafting system everrr.
Also, thank you! 🙂
Yes, I’ve played DA2, but not that piece of DLC. I’ll at least read a summary. (Now I am trying to resist the completist urge to play that too before starting Inquisition.)
Agreed about unnecessary ick in Awakening. And it’s way too easy, because my character is such a high level! (I know I could up the difficulty, but I’m trying to play fast anyway.) And there are so many dude companions and I just don’t caaaaare.
Oh yeah, reading a summary should be fine. Both that and Mark of the Assassin are really good fun if you ever decide to go back to DA2, though. You get to fight a crossbow-wielding Orlesian duke riding a wyvern in MotA!
I feel like I’m the only person in the universe who actually prefers DA2 Anders to Awakening Anders. DA2 Anders is an extremist asshole, but I think that makes him much more interesting. While Awakening Anders is a poor replacement for my dearly missed Alistair, sigh. That said, I DO miss Ser Pounce-a-Lot, who is the best part of that expansion.
Oh God, the Mother. I wonder if she had the same designer as The Mother in Jade Empire.
Agreed with all this… I didn’t actively dislike Awakenings, but I think the main attraction for me was that it kept me in that world when I didn’t have DA2 yet. I liked hanging out in Thedas and running into people I knew from Origins, but felt no strong connection to the plot or main characters.
My boyfriend just picked it up. I just spent a while randomly picking choices in Dragon Age Keep (made it most of the way through DAO but Orzammar just sucked my soul out and barely anywhere in DA2). I really want to play DAI though so I guess I’ll find out later if my choies were terrible.
Quick PSA to both of you on starting the game: don’t spend more time in the Hinterlands than you need or want to. Particularly if you start feeling bored with running around and killing rams – it’s definitely a starting area, with the kinds of fetch quests you find at the start of RPGs. Don’t be afraid to go to the main questline or character acquisition quests. I liked the Hinterlands, but the game gets SO MUCH BETTER.
aaahhh i just started downloading it this morning as a reward for scheduling a dentist appointment, haha. SO EXCITE
Aaaaaugh I told my sister to get it for me for Christmas in a fit of “oh sure I can wait that long after release” and I keep kicking myself. WHY, PAST SELF, WHY?
I ALMOST did the same thing, but then I came to my senses. I couldn’t get it this week because I was too busy to play, and Girl Named Jack does not buy games and then not start them immediately. Tomorrow is my day. I have no advice for you to stay strong until Christmas though. Replay a different DA game in the meantime?
I went completely down a different path and chose to start a new Mass Effect 1-3 full playthrough in the meantime. I love Mass Effect.
I’m so happy that DAI is getting good reviews because I feel like that means Bioware is still on their game and is going to make a baller ME4.
Yesssssssssssssss. Do want.
I too am at BIG END OF FIRST ACT (I think? I’m guessing so – there’s a lot of glowy red going on to match the glowy green stuff).
Alessa Lavellan is hard at work romancing Solas in all his ~mysterious~ elven ways.
I had to stop myself from wanting to finish the Hinterlands and move on to the main quest so I could get more companions. I roll with Vivienne, Solas, and Cassandra. The sass battles between Viv and Solas are amazing.
Aaaah she’s so cute! I love how good the Dalish tattoos look this time. Have fun romancing Solas. He’s definitely my biggest fan among the followers, since I’m always asking respectful questions and being pro-mage-freedom. I like him – he’s such a nerd, and has a really great accent. Get it giirrrrrl.
I can think of two big quests involving lots of red! You’ll know when you get to the end of the first act. The game kicks into an even higher gear then. Maybe some of the most epic moments in a BioWare game to date.
I honestly considered returning the game because the controls on PC are so bad, but I think I’ll just wait for a patch (they claim they are addressing the problems). It seems fun but I’m disappointed that the game is more actiony and less tactical then its predecessors.
I ended up rebinding my keys so that the controls were closer to Origins (space to pause!), and it felt a lot less awkward then. I still have to remember to toggle between tactical and action to move with W, but I’ve gotten used to it. Also, fyi: you can pan the tac cam with the mouse if you press Shift, if that’s one of the things that’s bothering you.
I did do some rebindings, may have to mess with that some more. Hopefully they will be puttings some features in like click-to-move and a pickup all items button.
My main problem with the tactical cam is it doesn’t zoom out enough, I’d rather do that then pan around, but maybe that will just take some getting used to.
Also I keep running into this annoying bug where I randomly cannot switch party members. Apparently quick-saving and loading fixes it, which I just found out, but last time it happened it frustrated me so much I just quit (I needed to switch to my mage so I could get through a barrier and it just wasn’t working).
Sooooooooon. I loaded it last night so I will be starting as soon as I’m home on Sunday. So exciteeeeed!
ohhhhhhhhh my god my life has become dragon age inquisition. I was TERRIFIED it wouldn’t live up to my expectations but it’s even surpassed them!
I am playing on ps3 so I don’t have the experience of OVERWHELMING GORGEOUSNESS next-gen players have but I don’t even care that much. Everything else about the game is amazing. I’ve even cried a couple of times from feelings.
This is Meraad Adaar, Vashoth mage and really nice guy. He tries to help everyone and promote peace and understanding, though he isn’t opposed to joking around with Sera and Varric and Bull. He’s currently taking baby steps to a romance with Dorian and it’s SUPER GREAT so far eeeeee.
Aah, your dude is great! I love how big n beefy they made both the male and female qunari. Does Meraad manage to be as tall as Bull, or is Bull still the biggest n beefiest?
Can we talk about Dorian, btw? I’ve only just met him and gone through his Haven conversation chains, but he is A) a really interesting and charming dude and B) CRIMINALLY handsome. I mean, like, holy crap. I’ve heard very good things about his personal quest, so I can’t wait to learn more about him.
I think Bull might be a little bigger but they’re around the same height? I couldn’t say for sure because I’m super crap at judging relative heights and things. He and Bull get along great though.
AHH he is really super handsome. The PS3 does bad things to his moustache but even that can’t conquer his glory. And gosh he’s… I won’t say he’s sweet, because he’s not, but he’s delightful and his romance storyline has been really great so far. Since I posted that comment I, um, inquisited his chantry rather thoroughly and I have NO REGRETS.
Haha, yeah. I’m not sure if Blackwall’s beard or Dorian’s mustache looks worse on Low PC settings / PS3. I just have one question about the Dorian romance scene:
Was there man butt??
(I have the mental maturity of Sera.)
There was! And it was really well-sculpted! You could tell they put some effort into that man butt.
…Aah, what the heck, I’m not going to get around to Dorian for at least a few months. *Googles!*
My! That is a very fine butt indeed!
Isn’t it? I tapped that ass and I am proud.
…but less proud of some of my decisions since then but I just got to repeatedly hit Bull with a stick so I feel a little better.
Still kind of like a monster,t hough.
The Blackwall romance so far has been very sweet and full of guilt and longing. No butts yet, though. So many butts in this game that I want to see. I think I may soon get to feel like a monster.
I have to share this story about some dogs that are in the process of being taken in by the Bullmastiff rescue group we belong to. There were a couple of pure bred Bullmastiffs picked up by animal control, a male and a female. The owner found out where they were and came to pick them up, but then he decided that he only wanted to pick up the male because he had already had two litters from the female and she was now no longer useful to him. Turns out the female was pregnant and gave birth to a litter of 8 puppies a week later. The Bullmastiff group is now working on getting a foster home for mama and 8 puppies. Happy mama dog got her puppies away from the dirtbag breeder. Here is a picture:
AHHH!!! They are so cute!
OH MY. I think I just died. That’s the cutest thing. I’m so glad they’re safe from dirtbag breeders.
Are they looking for volunteers to kiss those smooshy little lips? Because I’m in.
Those smiley, scrunchy faces! Highly smoochable. I am certain they will find homes when they are ready.
PUPSTERRRRSSSSSSS ::dies of cuteness:: so glad they and momma are in a better place!
The TEENY TINY NOSES!!!!
OH MY GOD
PUPPIES!!!!!
BABY. DOG. FACES.
Friday Cat Thread!
A picture of both my little weirdos, checking out their territory.
They’ve had a busy few days of kneading me, burbling and sprinting across the house. Must be nice to be a cat.
Profession: Kitty Baker
Job Description: Making Muffins With My Paws All Day
One of my student workers gave me some of that kinetic sand and I couldn’t stop kneading at it. So relaxing. I finally understand why cats loooove to make the biscuits.
I was taking a picture of my Astoria Superfriend bracelet and MT made a guest appearance with his doofy face.
Bonny reminds me of my former neighbor’s cat–same milk mustache and tendency to be upside down and looking at you through her feet and tail, all, “How can I have ended up thusly?” I’d come out and offer head scratches and a flea parade would run up my arm, but she was too sweet to leave alone.
I think there’s a lot of sweet-but-dim milk-moustache kitties out there.
Bonny’s incredible stupidity just makes her even more adorable.
From earlier this summer, Moxie is Not Okay with riding the motorcycle and is making his escape:
But he is apparently ok with riding an ATV:
(Actually, both machines are turned off. This cat is literally made nervous by a brisk wind, no way he’d get close to a motor)
Oh my gosh, he absolutely looks like a Moxie, no matter how timid he is really.
SO MAJESTIC
I keep being away for cocktail hour and I actually missed seeing photos of Moxie the Dustbunny and wondered how he was doing. I’ve got it bad…
SO CUTE!!!
I for one have been enjoying the steep increase in cuddling I’ve been receiving now that winter is basically here.
The sudden affection is rather charming, yes.
This is Cordelia doing what she does best, which is lounging on my bed.
This sums Captain up at the minute, he has been a right old arse this week. Shouting at me, demanding to go out by scratching the front door and yelling and then running away and hiding when I open the door for him (into the hall of the flats, sometimes he likes to go and wander round there for three minutes before going back to safety), smacking me, humping his sister – he has been thoroughly bumptious.
It has been much too cold in Philly these past few days. Nina reacts to this by clinging to me like glue. Here she is, matching my PJs.
Philly toasties! Or not-so-toasties, this week. Nina is beautiful!
Cats!
This beast is Atticus. He enjoys fucking with everything and compulsively over-grooming.
This is Gertie (short for Gertrude Queen of Denmark). She likes people food and pooping in novel places.
We are still getting used to each other but I love the little monsters.
I think I have an Atticus here. She pulls books off shelves and harasses our other cat and sits on you and cries for food. And then she grooms herself very thoroughly.
The other one just has random bouts of sprinting around the house followed by occasionally sitting in the middle of the kitchen table. And also pulling things out of the trash. ugh.
WITH THE PULLING OF THE BOOKS OFF THE SHELVES, wtf cats, cut it out!
Atticus used to be obsessed with my Salinger section and now has moved on to Randall Jarrell. I can’t fault his taste, but his expression of it leaves much to be desired.
This whole kitten thing is a revelation to me. I lived with my perfect gentleman cat “Cat” for 14 years until his tragic and premature passing in February. He didn’t come into my life until he was about 4 years old, and so I skipped the whole rambunctious-nonsense phase, and am continually bemused at what Atticus and Gertie get up to.
Cats and reference books. You have a good life.
Lana’s newest Thing That She Thinks Is A Cat Toy (which is really everything) is dental floss. I noticed one day before I got into the shower that she had pulled my used floss out of the garbage can and was batting it around (gross). Since then, as soon as I pull off a length and start to floss, she jumps up at my chest to try and attack the floss. Cats, man.
Ooo, make sure you hide your used floss somewhere the cat can’t get at it! (I keep my bathroom trashcan under the sink in a closed cabinet.) Ingesting dental floss (or tinsel, or rubberband hair thingies) can cause fatal Tangled Cat Bowel!
I caught a cat licking my toothbrush the other day 😡
I once came home to a toothbrush on the floor and a very innocent looking cat. I relegated that toothbrush to grout cleaning duty only.
My cat keeps stealing my blush brush. I guess it’s rabbit hair, but I hate finding it covered in dust under the washing machine knowing it will soon be touching my face again.
This is Lady Pounce of House Catnip. She is a chub of love. I think she needs a friend but she’s old (10!) and I’m not sure how she would take to another cat around. I only adopted her two years ago so I don’t know a lot of her history. She is super friendly with people.
Oh my god that belly! I want to pet it so badly.
My 8-yr-old cat did very well with a new friend! But it DID takes some time.
The usual advice for getting your cat a friend they won’t immediately hate is to get a kitten of the opposite gender, but at 10 that might be a little much for her! Still, if you introduce them carefully and gradually she might enjoy a buddy.
Asa wasn’t photogenic this week while I had my phone within reach to take pictures, so everyone gets more of Oliver. This time it’s relaxing on floor pillows in the sun. His life is so terribly hard.
Here is my pumpkinface, Hobbes. He is old and tired of all my shit.
http://postimg.org/image/mmy4z29cv/
Sorry I don’t know how to do pics properly. Intensedebate hates me!
My reply to this thread wound up on page 3. THANKS, OBAMA.
Here’s my little dumbass surveying his kingdom:
And here he is in a rare sleepy mood. He passed out like this after I rubbed his belly.
Happy birthday, Bartender! I am jealous of your delicious-looking cake.
AUMP! Happy barthenday!
Okay Toasties, the holidays are upon us, let’s talk in-laws.
Mine are generally great people, but I have this sinking feeling that I am the monster in their midst.
I’m from a family of yellers/fighters and they are a family of passive-aggression and sweeping things under the rug. My family’s methods are not exactly low-stress, but we tend to work out our issues. People’s thoughts and feelings are considered, and we don’t just fight, we also talk about things a lot. Like, constant talking. If there was one thing I was raised to do it was talk. So, it bothers the hell out of me that my husband’s family doesn’t do this, and then it bothers me that I can’t talk about how it bothers me. It’s an endless cycle. I’m still kind of new to the family, so maybe these things will take years to smooth out and become less serious. My husband is learning how to be more of a talker and I’m learning how to be more patient, but it’s a slow process
Anyway, I’m particularly upset today, because my MIL got guilted into inviting a very distant and very obnoxious relative to our Christmas celebrations. I’m cranky about giving up some of my family’s Christmas traditions to be with them. And this is the icing on the cake. This dude is particularly loathsome because being quiet has no affect on him. He just talks about why you’re quiet or you look sad or makes some weird sexist joke. He is the worst. But everyone else seems more capable of surmounting their feelings and getting on with it, out of family obligation. And I feel like a monster because I’m like…no, don’t invite him, you have a choice! Be rude! It’s your life! Life is too short to be nice to everyone.
I’m not really asking for advice (unless someone has some, because I will gladly take it). Mostly just looking to vent. Anyone else have mostly great in-laws that you still kind of get annoyed with? Obviously there are in-law horror stories, and I am lucky that I don’t have any of those. But that just makes me feel more like I’m the monster in-law!
“Life is too short to be nice to everyone.”
I really like this.
Most of my in-laws are TERRIBLE TERRIBLE PEOPLE and I am very glad that my husband cut off contact with them shortly before we were married. It’s a difficult process and not one that I would recommend to everyone, obviously, but it is an enormous relief not to have to deal with any in-law-related issue whatsoever. Especially around the holidays.
I never comment on the open thread, but I just had to say I feel for you. Ugh. Ughhhh. UGGHHHHH. I’m dealing with it, I’m coming, I’m bringing dessert, and I’m engaging in strictly topical conversation.
I told them I would wear my Kill All Men shirt. They think I’m kidding. My husband knows I am not.
Oh, I feel you (and I don’t think you’re a monster). While I mostly get along with my MIL, doing holidays A Different Way was a bit of adjustment, as was trying to make polite conversation with my MIL’s friends, Conspiracy Theory Bob and Racist Rolf.
Racist Rolf! Sounds like a new stuffed animal (eagle?) for the KKK crowd!
As a member of a “Everything is Nice” family that avoids conflict, and as an individual marrying into a yeller/fighter clan, I hear you. I just have to call upon a lot of empathy and try not to judge. People manage their emotions differently, and there are pros and cons to both ways. It’s tempting to feel like your way is better, but it’s not necessarily for them. And, old dogs, new tricks, you know? I generally turn to booze when the fighting makes me anxious.
Not to say you shouldn’t judge heinous relative. I just mean the in laws for not throwing a fit.
Life is DEFINITELY too short to be nice to everyone.
It sounds really hard, and I am glad you are venting! I think the ‘sweep it under the rug’ school is very hard for those of us from other schools to deal with because (for me at least) it is so… fake. Fake all the time. And then when I am fake all the time I feel actually sick in my body and it is just awful.
My two pieces of sort-of advice would be to read Captain Awkward (and invite your husband to also if he is up for it), and to book lots of personal time, like go for walks every day or go out to a cafe by yourself or whatever. Just because you are showing up for the family things does not mean you have to be there every second. And tell yourself like 500 times that just like life is too short to be nice to everyone, life is too short to make other people’s wasting their energy *your* problem.
To reiterate a favourite of mine from a similar thread on the Hairpin:
“It’s like you don’t even know what I’m for!” – Alcohol
In all seriousness, my recommendation is to plan exit strategies. This can be as simple as having scripts along the lines of “I’ll just see if they need help in the kitchen!” “I just need to grab something from my purse/coat in the other room” or even “Please excuse me” and then go hide in the bathroom for a bit or whatever. It can also include planning with your spouse to have a graceful exit from the event altogether — feel free to lay the groundwork with white lies, e.g. “I am not feeling good today, man, must have been the shrimp at the restaurant yesterday!” and then if you’ve had enough, you can leave because you’re “Really not feeling good and need to lie down.”
Although I have found wine also helps a great deal, if you’re into that sort of thing (which I am).
Thank you for making me laugh out loud in the extremely quiet archive reading room.
I get along pretty well with my in-laws but lately it’s been weird. And I’ll admit that some of that weirdness is me because if I have to hear about one more family friend who is pregnant followed by a pause and significant look at my cocktail, I won’t be held responsible.
Also, the last time we got together for dinner I wasn’t in the best mood. My husband has been dealing with some anxiety issues that came up a bit during the meal. The next day I get a call from my mother in law to make sure everything is ok between us and kind of hinting that she thought I wasn’t being supportive enough.
Aw, cheers. I’m struggling to conceive amidst about a zillion happy pregnant cousins/friends and cooing newborns, which makes it excruciating when some happy grandfather-to-be gives me a significant “Maybe you’ll be next!” look. Mind you, it’s insufferable regardless of one’s reproductive status. Only my love of cocktails will prevent me from throwing one in someone’s face.
“What are you implying?”
“Please tell me directly what you are doing with your eyes on my cocktail.”
“How kind of you to be concerned. How’s your collection of exotic fax machines coming along?”
“Are you criticizing me?”
“What kind of person does that? What does that behavior say about you?”
No, Toastfriends, I don’t have particularly good relationships with my in-laws, or my own family, for that matter. Why do you ask?
As part of a family that does the loathing each other in silence thing to perfection, you noisy folks are the salvation of the holidays.
My only weird sticking point with my almost-MIL (partner and I are not actually married, but we’ve been together for the better part of a decade so I’ve spent a LOT of time with his family) is that I still have not friended her on Facebook. Once in awhile she’ll bring it up in a sort of teasing-but-not-really way, and I don’t really know what to do. Like, I have my own mom friended because she does not actually use Facebook all that much, but I know that MIL will actually read the stuff I post and ask me about it later, and idk I also swear a lot on social media and it would feel weird? (She is GREAT, by the way, but I still cannot bring myself to do this.)
Can you add her but create a “list” of friends that aren’t allowed to see anything you post (or very, very limited things) so she doesn’t ask you about stuff? It’s not without effort, but perhaps would help….
Eh, I feel like she’d realize I had her on restricted settings and it’d be the same thing all over again. I’m considering it though.
My relationships with my own parents were pretty strained and distant, and had been since I started dating Boyfriend ten years ago. His parents are super nice and accepting and generous, but like, intensely so. I feel like they want very much to “make up” for my own lackluster parents, and like, make me feel like I’m not missing anything. This is obviously and patently bullshit. It’s gotten wayyyy more difficult to deal with this year, as my parents both died. They want to be there for me, and be a shoulder to cry on/a willing ear to listen and all that, but like. We’re not as close as they want us to be, and I feel like they’re just constantly trying to create a false intimace with which I am not comfortable. So, instead of family Christmas this year (I’ve gone to his family holidays every year since we got together) we’re getting a room at a Bed and Breakfast in a little town that has a Christmas Dickens festival, and we’re going to watch Christmas movies and eat fudge and take a ride in a horse carriage and I’ll be able to pretend for at least a weekend that Christmas isn’t a horrible bundle of family insecurities and sadness. Yay!
happy birthday season, bartender! nice things that people have done: my parents, always. a friend unexpectedly bought me flowers a while back, and i was surprised by how much it meant to me. i started a new job this year and pretty much everyone has been really friendly, which means a lot, too.
as for this week…
the good: i got a nape undercut (picture!) and it feels really nice. my pixie is growing out slowwwwwllyyyy so it’s not even long enough to put in a tiny ponytail yet (another 2-4 months will do the trick i hope) but in the meanwhile, i at least don’t have to worry about mullet trims! and my hair is a lot less poofy.
the bad: this week was totally useless. i didn’t do anything. i had all this stuff on my to-do list and i didn’t do a single damn thing. i’ve just felt tired and mopey. mixed with my body image issues and the fact that i haven’t been to the gym in a month and the rain (the rain is a good thing! we really need it! but it makes me not want to go outside in it!) i just feel like a waterlogged slug.
Blah. Sometimes our bodies/brains just aren’t up for doing shit and we gotta be okay with that. Sit there for a while but don’t stay there, ya know?
Also HURRAY for hair-growing-out success. Man, it’s a slog. I know. Your undercut looks fab!
ughhh, thanks for this. i try to remind myself, but it works way better when other people remind me!
also, hair grows soooo slowly. in the beginning it felt so fast, because i had so little, and every week seemed to make a difference. now i feel like i’m at a stalemate!
I know, bb, I know. It took me a year to go from
to
Literally, that was a year of work. I did a 365 photo project tracking the pain of growing out my hair and those are pic#1 and pic#365. Now it looks like
So it is possible, I promise!
ahhh, you look so good! that is some gorgeous hair. thanks for the inspiration!
You’re welcome! Happy to help! IT CAN BE DONE. =D
You have Eva Green’s ten-thousand-yard-stare in that last picture and I am mesmerized.
Wow. That…is one of the most awesome compliments I have ever received. Thank you.
Oh, such an important distinction. Thanks for that.
ughhhh you are so cool and your hair looks awesome
I hear you on the weather, it’s gotten very very cold here all of a sudden and I’ve gone quickly from “exercise is great, I’m the best at running and doing stuff” to “what do you mean I have to get out from under this blanket ever FUCK YOU”
thank you!!
i wish i could bring a blanket with me to work. that would help, i am sure.
You need a slanket! And a workplace that understands slankets!
true story: about 18 years ago, i asked my mom to sew me a blanket with sleeves, so i could read in bed without my arms getting cold. she made it and it was fabulous and i would still use it today, if it wasn’t sewn for 8-year-old arms.
can you imagine if i had gotten a patent? i would be rich as hell, but also…responsible for the slanket.
I just got a wool cape that is totally a slanket, but it has fringe and a pretty brass pin and so I’m wearing it to work with abandon. I highly recommend this strategy.
this is so scottish highlands glamorous!
off to browse the muji website instead of working…
I feel very Claire Randall when I wear it!
your hair looks awesome!! I’m trying to decide what to do with my pixie it’s at an awkward length and also a weird faded color. Maybe I’ll get something like that. I like putting it in little top buns so maybe that undercut would be good.
thanks! i recommend the undercut. it has the nice fuzzy shaved-nape feeling of when i had my shortest hair…but i can hide it under the rest of my hair if i want. or show it off (once i can tie it back). also if your hair is like mine (ridiculously thick and unwieldy) then it seriously cuts down on volume.
ha my hair is the opposite of thick and unwieldy
I have been laughing over this thing for the better part of two days…
A friend’s super-religious instagram post had a misspelling: the raft of God. As in, “if you don’t do X Y Z, you will feel the raft of God.” Why is this so funny to me?
Oh, and happy happy birthday, Bartender!!!!
Because the raft of God sounds pretty rad, man. Just sitting in the raft, getting a tan, maybe cracking some beers with Her as you float the cosmic river.
I’m imagining it as a Corona beer ad. Like, you’re lying out, poolside, with just your feet in the water, and someone’s air mattress grazes your foot and you realize it was wrong to steal that candy bar when you were seven. I vastly prefer the raft of God to all those hurricanes, m’self. Makes me want to be even gayer.
It’s really funny to me too!
THE INNER TUBE OF THE LORD SHALL SMITE YOU.
YOU WILL FEEL HIS FOAMY POOL NOODLE OF RIGHTEOUS ANGER.
Aguirre: The Raft Of God is one of my favorite movies.
The Raft of Kahn is one of my favorite movies.
In my adolescence I went to a church where the priest had a very thick accent, and at the end of Mass he would intone “may the piss of the Lord be upon you.” I have not stopped giggling about this for 15 years.
For years, my church’s song sheets had a typo in one song, “Under the weight of the wood.” The last “d” fell off, so it was “Under the weight of the woo.” My family always had a lot of fun singing that one.
this made me laugh out loud
I’ve a question for sociophonetically inclined Toastrons.
Matthew Gray Gubler (best known as the skinny nerdy hottie on Criminal Minds): how would you describe his accent and speech patterns?
What kind of characteristics do you associate with it (geography, class, gender, education level, etc.)?
are you writing fan fiction bc if so can i reid it
Sorry, I’m not! But I’m sure you’ll find more than enough stuff (smutty or not, but seriously, who’d want non-smutty Reid fanfic?) floating around online.
My first associations are Californian, upper middle class, educated, young. I’m struggling on gender, though – it’s definitely not particularly masculine, but I’m not sure it’s really feminine, either?
That’s really helpful, thanks!
I’m asking because that’s the closest match I’ve found to my own accent when I think in English.
That’s really interesting! I don’t have any intuitions at all about phonetic features of my thoughts in English, but now that I think about it, I do for Russian, which I speak non-natively. Is English not your native language? (If not, I wonder if thoughts having phonetic qualities is common for thoughts in the thinker’s non-native language?)
Nope! Actually, Russian is *technically* my native language, but since I don’t use it much, it’s now become worse than my other languages.
So, I overthink ALL my languages, no matter which one I’m using, even in my head. Yay…
Are you asking about the speech patterns of the actor, or of the character he plays on CM?
Both, really: from what I’ve seen, he sounds pretty much the same in real life.
I definitely hear the geek accent in Reid sometimes (haven’t seen too much of MGG speaking outside of that): that intonation and sometimes-odd pronunciation you get when you read too much as a kid and learn more words from books than from hearing them spoken.
Yes, all I could think of is that he talks like some really nerdy little boys I’ve known, but I couldn’t say what that actually COMES from?
ALSO: TV!
let’s talk the winter finale of “how to get away with murder,” my tv-watchin’ toasties! SPOILERS ABOUND. and thoughts and theories.
1. i’m pretty sure sam didn’t kill lila. i mean, they’re bound to twist that up, right, it can’t be him? anyway, he was gross and definitely hiding something (probably just his grossness), but his modus operandi seems to be strangling those he disagrees with–and didn’t lila just have ant bites on her neck? no strangulation marks?
2. so who DID kill lila? i think probably rebecca, actually. i have to admit i am not fond of the actress who plays her, i find her pretty wooden and it’s hard to read her expressions, so who knows. but i think there are some pretty obvious clues so far (maybe so obvious that it can’t be her?) i mean, for one, they were up by the water tower all the time. and rebecca knows how to play other people pretty well. my hackles went way up when she said that if wes went to jail she would kill herself–that is NOT an okay thing to say to someone whose mom committed suicide! i’m pretty sure she knew what she was doing.
3. anyway if lila’s killer is someone we know, it’s probably rebecca, or annalise, or bonnie.
4. annalise is cold as helllll. but she’s smart–acting like her husband ran away might help them get away with it.
5. except i can’t figure out how “real” this show is supposed to be. i just keep thinking of the traffic and security cameras snapping photos of connor’s car at every stage of their Body Dump Extravaganza ’14.
6. michaela should hop on it and claim she was mugged and someone stole her ring and report it.
I’m a bit late, but I’m here for this:
1. Idk about this so much. He seems to have the rage within him to do anything. He said TERRIBLE things to Annalise and then tried to kill Rebecca. It’s maybe too obvious for this show, though.
2. I hate Rebecca so much, so I hope it’s her.
3. Bonnie is a good guess. She probably knew about the affair and either out of jealousy or loyalty, she seems like a good suspect.
4. V impressed with the ending. Cold stare sitting at the desk.
5. Yeah, that seemed like the worst of all ideas. Also, maybe I missed the chronology here, but only Wes went back to get the body? And Annalise was there, but she left before the rest of the crew returned?
6. that is the ONLY solution here. she is effed otherwise.
yayyy, i’m so glad someone replied!
re: sam—i totally think he’s capable of killing, and that might be even something he’s saving—who knows what he had on his computer that he was scared of coming to light? but in this episode, they definitely established that he has a style—he goes right to choking his victims. lila didn’t die like that, which seems like a big clue.
re: rebecca—seriously, are we supposed to like her? she’s not even a likable unlikable character!
re: bonnie—i feel weirdly sympathetic with bonnie but she’s also…it’s unclear, i don’t know. what if lila spilled to bonnie on the porch and bonnie killed her out of some weird jealousy/desire to protect sam? and now she knows the depth of sam’s awfulness and she’s spiraling because she regrets her actions?
re: chronology—i think the timeline went: murder—>the group splits up. wes takes rebecca to the motel. the rest of the group is like, hell no, we won’t stay with the body, so let’s regroup in the woods—>the rest of the group is freaking out in the woods because wes is taking so long. this is because he went back to the house alone to get the trophy, which is when he sees annalise. i guess here is where annalise and wes decide what to do. annalise must convince wes to rig the coin toss to get rid of the body.—>wes reunites the group, rigs the coin toss, they go to the bonfire for an alibi, and by the time they make it back to the house, annalise is gone, probably at nate’s, establishing her own alibi.
re: michaela—i don’t get why she hasn’t done this! it seems so common sense. i guess it’s a plot device, and the ring (or it’s absence) is going to come back to bite her. either her fiance will confront her about the missing ring and she’ll crack and confess to him, or someone will find the ring (in the woods, or with the body) and she’ll either be identified or will have to forgo claiming it at the risk of being identified. girl, just REPORT A THEFT.
or, on second thought, even though i think it’s never been established via medical report, didn’t rebecca say “then i strangled her and stuffed her in a water tank” and annalise said “you forced griffin to strangle her”—so maybe lila was strangled? why would she have just ant bites on her neck and not, like, giant bruises?? do we even know exactly how lila died?
I don’t remember the details of Lila’s death, despite all the horrific autopsy pictures they’ve shown us. As for the computer, weren’t Rebecca and Annalise’s cop bf trying to get his cell records so they could use the towers to map where he was that night?
Wes and Rebecca are the worst written main characters I’ve ever seen; it doesn’t help that they are the worst actors ever and can’t emote at all.
Bonnie is my #1 suspect right now. I think she’s the least obvious person who still has a motive. I don’t think it’s Rebecca (1. why? and 2. she’s being framed as the obvious suspect, which is a no-no in Shondaland) or Annalise (doesn’t want to get her hands dirty, didn’t know about the affair until after her death).
re: Michaela and the rest of the ragtag bunch. They are all acting like a pile of idiots. Connor almost blew his cover within like 5 minutes after dumping the body and his drug story is really effing weak. Same with Laurel who is now implicating Frank. Wes, who in my mind is the dumb one is the only one who realizes that they need to keep a low profile and to keep their mouths shut. IDK why the prenup is a plot device, but Michaela is handling all of that very poorly.
There is also literally no way there weren’t cameras in that underpass/parking garage with the dumpsters. Also, going back to chronology– this episode made it clear that they (gross sorry) divided Sam into pieces, but didn’t they try to burn him first? haven’t there been a ton of flashbacks about that? Did that just not work?
Are you, perchance, also watching Greys? I need to discuss that with someone.
i’m not watching greys, unfortunately. but i’m sure some other toasties are!
i did some googling and there are a few references to lila being strangled, but all really offhand—it’s all griffin, rebecca, and annalise. there’s no official report about cause of death. frustrating!
about sam’s computer—he was definitely freaking out about something incriminating being found…but it might not have anything to do with lila’s death. who knows what else he was up to? the guy was a total creep.
also, the rest of the group—all have done something stupid that can come back to bite them. the dude who saw wes’ face as he tried to decide to go back for the trophy. the multiple people/cameras that saw connor’s car, and his weak-ass lie about drug addiction to connor. laurel’s lie to frank about the trophy—when asher knows it was michaela who stole it! and michaela not reporting the ring stolen. rebecca’s 911 phone call!
and yeah, they definitely set the body on fire first—i guess to destroy their fingerprints and fibers and other dna? which is stupid, because then they spent a whole bunch of time chopping up the damn body, packing it into bags, and carrying them around in a car!
ahh, who knows what january will bring!
yeah, the worst part is that we have to wait until Jan 29 for resolution.
also, this is a thought I’ve had all season — what are they possibly going to do for season 2?
i’ve thought this too! there doesn’t seem to be a good way to carry it over to season 2.
like, why on earth would these people keep working for annalise—even if she’s innocent and so are they? i can’t see them using the same characters and actors and keeping it believable, but i can’t see them starting for scratch with a whole new cast/premise, either.
my guess? the actual finale will end on a frustrating cliffhanger of some sort. rebecca will be acquitted, and sam will be presumed guilty in his absence, and the gang will mistakenly think that, yes, they got away with murder. and then, cliffhanger! someone else admitting to lila’s murder, or lila’s baby being revealed as not sam’s, or even another sorority girl showing up dead—surprise serial killer! or a bunch. i can just see the episode ending with lila baby stunner news/new dead body appearing/some poor sanitation worker finding the body bags/someone finding michaela’s ring in the woods and being like “huh?”—and the gang will tackle that in season 2.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BARTENDER!
I’ve been awake since 2am this morning and am good for nothing but groggy, possibly incomprehensible statements and gif parties, so please forgive me in advance because I have a feeling I’m gonna be super annoying in Open Thread today.
Your first gif selection in this thread is extremely high-quality. BeBop foreverrrrr
LET’S JAM.
Happy birthday, Bartender! It was my birthday on the 19th. I turned 29 and got lots of knitting stuff, which was nice.
Who else is a november baby? We truly are a superior, hardier breed.
I always just assume November babies are Valentine’s Day babies, bwahahaha!
(Happy birthday!! What are you knitting?)
Right now a hot water bottle cover.
But a friend sent me some lovely soft alpaca in bi pride colours, so I think I’ll make a cowl. (After I make some fingerless gloves for my mums christmas present)
Happy birthday!
I was 37 on the 10th! My mother endlessly tells me I was conceived on Valentine’s Day so now all of you other Novemberers can share the thought that you probably were too.
No, I was conceived on drugs.
I know this because they told me
My SIL was conceived during a ZZ Top concert. She also knows this because they told her (and everyone else in the world).
My sisters were their wedding anniversary and a powercut…
My mom told me the story (without too much detail, thank god) of my conception (it was their anniversary). I wanted to die.
Happy Birthday! I turned 27 on the 20th and ate ice cream at every meal, like the grown ass adult lady I am.
Our just-now-2-yrs-old son is a November baby! And he is awfully hardy, he *laughs* when he hurts himself. (Mostly.)
Happy belated birthday!
My birthday was on the 19th too! I turned 24. Happy birthday!
I was born on Thanksgiving day but this year my birthday is the day before. My birthday always conflicts with thxgiving and I haven’t really had a good birthday in a while because everyone is out of town U_U
I was 28 on the 20th! I got a pair of really lusciously dark cowgirl boots, and I want to figure out how to wear them with everything now.
Happy Birthday to you all!
November 14th! I just turned 25. I’d love to hail my hardiness, but I was born into the sweet dulcet weather of Southern California and wonder what good is it to be a fall baby in a region with no real fall…
Me! On the 24th.
ME TOO! Twinsies! Happy (Monday) birthday to YOU!
I have repetitive strain injury! From my job!
This afternoon I have to write an email about alternative work. Without making it sound like I’m trying to get out of repetitive, boring, grunty manual labour. Whoop.
Regale me with stories of employment-related injuries and stress, Toasties!
Oh my gosh, I don’t know if it was because I don’t type correctly or what but when I had an office job I had horrible wrist and shoulder pain and it was THE WORST and sometimes it still randomly comes back even though I quit over 6 months ago. Like this week actually something in my wrist hurts really really badly…but only sometimes, and for no apparent reason. Anyway, you have my deepest sympathy and full encouragement to DO WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO DO to take care of said injury because they are no joke.
Thanks! I have an ice pack, Advil, and lots of research (and some incredibly tedious server management).
Years and years of office work has screwed up my shoulder and hip and I am slowly slowly fixing things thanks to a chiropractor and some desk adjustments, but I’m pretty sure I’m always going to be out of alignment and in some pain so long as I’m making a living in front of a computer. The Powers That Be have started to approve adjustable standing/sitting desks for the attorneys, who have offices, so I’m hoping they’ll eventually start allowing cube-bound support staff (like me!) to have them. I think it would make a huge difference for me.
I got RSI from uni. And then my Masters really helped with that =(
ouch 🙁
my middle knuckle on my right ring finger still clicks and jams all the time, from gripping an ice cream scooper for long hours. actually, my whole right hand still looks pretty gnarled in comparison to my left. i’m just glad i somehow avoided the carpal tunnel, which several of my coworkers got.
I had clicks and jams! Left hand, from years of holding a shovel while treeplanting. (Ahhhh, youth.)
You can get it fixed for 30$. A plastic surgeon injects cortisol into your hand. It dissolves whatever buildup (calcium?!??) is making your tendon sheath build up and pop.
(That’s all to the best of my recollection. I had it fixed after my first year, then went back for four more years.)
thanks for the tip!
it’s been getting slightly better over time since i quit that job, which gives me hope that it might disappear on its own completely…but if it doesn’t disappear in the next few months, i’ll ask my doctor about the cortisol shot!
When I worked in a wedding dress boutique I gave myself a shoulder injury from lugging around really heavy dresses. It still pops up occasionally when I lug heavy things or, strangely, when I drive for too long in a certain position.
Stupid work-related injuries, fuck yeah! I once crushed my right pinky toe when I dropped a floor tile on it while I was helping run the in-floor network cables of a computer lab. That was AWESOME. Then there was the time I really fucked up my right wrist from poor desk ergonomics (and too much mousing) and spent eight months in physical therapy. That was loads of fun, too. Then that great period of time last year when I thought I was developing sciatica from sitting too much but at least that resulted in my department buying me an adjustable standing desk.
GOOD TIMES.
I posted last week about my horrible workplace set up and asking how to become ambidextrous so I could stop feeling pain in my right wrist.
The (excellent) advice was, change the work station, and on Monday I pitched a little fit, and my workstation is now so much better. I have a new chair, a footrest, and a keyboard that slides under my desk.
I totally stole a higher chair yesterday, after taking a good long look at my setup. And did some research and asked the office-supplies guy to order me some more ergonomic tools.
My setup is actually two computers, so I already do some left-handed mousing (rather than move my body back and forth between two screen/keyboards/mouses).
(Yes, why NOT get a switcher for the keyboard/mouse so I only have to use one set? Excellent question! Because the IT department.)
Oh, good! I’m so glad to hear things are working better for you now!
I did something mysterious to the sides of my left knee when I was working the job that meant I spent the entire day alternating between climbing on ladders and kneeling every 15 minutes or so. It would be sore for a week and then go back to being fine until the next time it had decided I’d spent too much time on ladders and then back to sore. Sometimes I couldn’t even climb the stupid ladders because of the pain — it felt like my knee was too unstable to support me.
I was worried I’d done something permanent but I quit that job back in September and haven’t had a twinge since, even though my current job still requires a fair amount of time on my feet.
In my first undergrad job I fell down a steep hill and dislocated my shoulder. I never went to a hospital so it never occurred to me to apply for Worker’s Comp and if it had I probably would have refused to to not “get anyone in trouble” but I totally should have. GET YOUR WORKER’S COMP IF YOU’RE ENTITLED TO IT, EVERYBODY. I’ve seen other people do it, and it’s not a huge fuss and no one got in trouble and it’s fine.
I got turf toe (sprained big toe that never heals) last year from being stuck squatting in a little zodiac boat for 7 hours. When I mentioned it in front of my boss he said that nobody in our company has ever filed for worker’s comp–in his epic passive aggressive dickheadedness.
I finally went to the doctor on Tuesday for non-stop pain in my knee/upper leg/hip/mid-butt pain, brought on by years of bad ergonomics. I know there’s no way I’ll get a desk and chair that will fit, and I didn’t bother going for worker’s comp, because it’ll just be a black mark, not really solve anything. ANYWAYS! I was trying to avoid any kind of muscle relaxer/pain killers, because they just make me woozy or knock me out (no good for work), and she prescribed me a topical pain cream instead! Unfortunately, it’s something you have to get from a compounding pharmacy, and the pharmacist had to fight with the insurance to get even a portion covered. Ended up being $50 from me, but it works! At least enough so I can sleep more than 2 hours at stretch…I know it sounds like a minor thing, but seriously, if multiple rupturing ovarian cysts are 8 on a scale of 1-10, this is constant pain ranging from 4-7 WITHOUT END.
I know many of them are sketchy, and aren’t often covered by insurance, but if you can get a recommendation for a reliable (and not back-cracky) chiropractor, and if you can afford it, it may be worth going that route. I’d been having hip pain and numbness in my shoulder blade for ages and it went from intermittent to persistent and severe this summer and on the advice of a friend I started seeing her chiro. It hasn’t been cheap, but I am feeling so much better and it was totally worth it.
I got bunions and nerve damage in my toes from waitressing, accompanied by recurring hip pain. Yoga saved me.
Not work related, but I got a knee injury from meditating too much, which I think is pretty funny. My meditation injury.
I once had a large (~400 lb) pt pushed onto me from the CT table while working (staff nurses, what up). I went to occ health the next morning and cried because I felt like I was going to lose control of my bowels. So much fun! They hooked me up with some pain meds and I still had to work that night because I didn’t know if I would get in trouble for calling in.
i’m feeling super lucky right at this moment. I was having some back pain recently that’s either sitting at a desk related, or sharing a crappy bed related. I set up a standing desk using a bunch of books to see if that would help. That was Monday. Today my boss got the wheels in motion to get me a standing desk, without me even asking. Who knows if it will actually happen, but I’m really happy with my boss’s thoughtfulness.
No injuries, but maaaajor stress. I’ve spent a long time, like, at least 5 years or longer, without any health insurance, so my chronic depression and anxiety have gone undiagnosed and untreated. One of the things the anxiety creates is this like, complete inability to do the things that I have to do. I’ll be getting dressed and just end up staring at a sock for ten minutes. So I just started a new job. A fantastic job that pays more than I’ve ever earned by a wide margin, and I love it and absolutely do not want to lose it, and yet I’m very close to losing it because I can’t get there on time. How stupid is that? That’s like, bare minimum! Get there on time! So I’m pretty stressed about that. Which just causes more anxiety and it’s all a vicious circle. :-/
Oh honey, I so hear you. I wish I could help. Do you have insurance at the new job? If not, can you pay out of pocket for a diagnosis? Depending where you are, depression might be covered as a disability and therefore legally protected. But you’d need a diagnosis, obviously.
Try not to beat yourself up too much, OK? You’re doing as much as you can, and that’s great work.
I tried to find the original post on Hyperbole and a Half to share the image here, but it is late and I am tired and I failed to find it. So here is a tumblr post of a HaaH post that might resonate with you: http://liminalist.tumblr.com/post/103429434639/th…
Keep in touch and let us know how you’re doing.
I hadn’t seen that strip! Yeah, I know them feels pretty well. I do have health insurance at the new job, which is why it’s even worse to contemplate losing it for such a stupid reason.
I was on time today, so that was good.
Thanks for the good thoughts!
NYC Toasties! I have just moved to your fair city, and I seek your advice! Please tell me the most important things: Which ones are the best bookstores, in which order should I start tackling the art museums, what are the best things/places for bookish feminists in their mid-20’s, how does one make friends, and any other advice you think an NYC Newbie might need.
Oh yeah, I already went to Strand where they were SOLD OUT of Texts from Jane Eyre, but they did have a good price on Alice + Freda Forever.
Hello neighbor! If you haven’t joined the Coterie Facebook page (it’s a closed group for NYC fans of The Toast, Butter, and Hairpin), you should. Then all of us mid-20’s (and other-aged) feminists can hang at these awesome bookstores and art museums together!
Bookstores: Strand, PS Bookshop, Bluestockings, Astoria Bookshop if you’re in Queens.
Art museums: MoMA is overrated. Go to the Met first and do the Temple of Dendur, Costume Institute, and whatever else you’re into (I’m a personal fan of the Islamic and 18th-19th cent American art wings, which are both newly redone). Then do the Dinner Party at the Brooklyn Museum, then go see whatever’s at the New Museum because that place is just great. Throw in the museum at FIT somewhere in there (it’s small but free and sometimes has Marlene Dietrich costumes and vintage lingerie on display!). Some oft-overlooked museums that I like: the Neue Galerie, Museum of the Moving Image, Rubin, Cloisters.
My pilgrimage to The Dinner Party is happening TOMORROW and I could not be more excited to finally be going 🙂
And thank you! I’m having trouble finding the group on Facebook……is it just called “Coeterie”? Are you able to post a link?
Oh yeah! on.fb.me/thecoterie. You do have to request to join.
Your suggestions for the Met are exactly what I was coming in here to say. The Islamic art wing is so gorgeous! And I love the Costume Institute just for existing.
I was also going to suggest the Whitney, but whoops it’s closed and moving to a new building.
Also, I didn’t know there was a NYC facebook group! I think I found it – it’s just called The Coterie and new members have to email to join, correct?
That’s the one!
I adore the tiled courtyard in the Islamic wing! And Ottoman art in general is just awesome.
i’ve only been to nyc once, but i second the suggestion for bluestockings! i also really like mcnally jackson. three lives & co was beautiful, too. basically my whole trip was museums + bookstores + eating cake and candy.
BLUESTOCKINGS. I’ve been meaning to go to Bluestockings for AGES and I haven’t yet. But yeah. Feminist bookstore, they have yoga classes and such, and a girl I know works there and she seems really awesome on FB.
I’m not a huge museum-goer, but my favorite art museum is the Guggenheim. I had a really cool professor in college who used to take us there a lot.
For making friends: Request to join The Coterie Facebook group. Alternately, come hang out with me and hipster rasputin in Astoria. She’s hosting a book swap tomorrow!
I actually AM near Astoria…..and I finally found the group! Requesting now!
booook swaaaaappppp
Is this the type of bookswap where you like LEND each other books or GIVE each other books?
Give! We’re all bringing books we don’t want anymore and then we trade.
See normally that would be PERFECT, but I left all my books behind in order to travel light and so now all I have with me are the six new books I just bought 2 days ago hmmmmmmmm
That…makes a lot of sense. Well you can definitely come anyway! We’re gonna have wine and brownies!
I’ll figure something out so I am not a mere leech. Also I’m a flight attendant and I’m on call for five more hours, so by this evening I should know for sure whether or not I will be able to come and let you know
One of my friends is a flight attendant based in Queens! Which airline do you fly for?
Chautauqua- it’s just a little regional airline, but we’re a codeshare for Delta so I work all the Delta Connection flights.
Alright, I do not think I will be able to make it tomorrow, but THANK YOU sincerely for the invite, I will hopefully be added to the FB group very soon and be able to make it to the next thing 😀
We’re having a meetup tonight!
Any chance you’d be willing to e-mail me the details? I requested to join the group and sent the email but I dunno exactly who checks it and how often? thatvictoriagirl at gmail
Emailed!
Seconding Housing Works and the Met. (Also, if you’ve never read From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler, by E.L. Konigsburg, I highly recommend reading it pre- or post-Met visit. But that might just be a weird nostalgia thing for me.) I also have a soft spot for the natural history museum (dinosaur bones! rocks! planetarium shows!).
I LOVED the Mixed Up Files, but it’d probably be worth doing a re-read before the Met
Arts-museum rather than art museum, but I just visited the Museum of the Moving Image for the first time and it is FANTASTIC and also cheaper than most NYC museums. $12, about 3 hours worth of exhibits, totally worthwhile. The current special exhibit is about the work of Chuck Jones and it’s great.
Housing Works Book Store! (Also McNally Jackson which is around the corner from Housing Works.)
If you like medieval things, I highly recommend The Cloisters! My favorite NYC museum so far, with the caveat that I haven’t even been to the Met proper.
Since all the big cheeses have already been covered, I would recommend the Frick, which is an absolute jewel of a museum.
the frick was my favorite museum in NYC. it’s an amazing collection, and just the right size, and you can go to la duree afterwards or before (or both) for a fortifying dessert. there’s an amazing moment when you first walk in and turn the corner from the hallway and into the first room, and it’s like, BAM, a vermeer!
Most of the museums have a free night and while they’re often too-crowded, it is a very good way to gauge whether you might want to splash out $22 during the week for regular admission.
Also, if you have moved here from a more temperate clime, please get yourself some warm and WATERPROOF boots before it snows, because the city is really beautiful in the snow but this beauty leads to weeks of streetcorners with four inches of slush to be leapt over, and there is salt in it from de-icing, and you may think you don’t need the boots but it’s hell on your shoes.
Woo Bartender! Happy Birthday! My birthday season just ended, but it’s always fun.
Toastfriends I have had a WHIRLWIND week. I spent the weekend in Las Vegas for a long-time friend’s wedding, and it was SO MUCH MORE FUN than I thought it was going to be. I saw desert and went hiking and saw mountains! And the Neon Museum (which is probably my favorite part of the whole trip) and ridiculousness and fake volcanoes and WOW. Would anyone like to talk about the spectacle that is Las Vegas? I’m still not over it yet.
And then I get back to bitter cold New Jersey and I have been in the field ALL WEEK doing groundwater sampling. Talk about a downer, but at least I’ve been out and about. I’ve missed you though!
(I took Texts from Jane Eyre with me to read on the plane and I had to physically stop myself from cackling many, many times. Great work, Mallory!)
I have a lot of feelings about Las Vegas! I go there about 4-5 times a year for work (I was there for 6 weeks last winter) and have absolutely fallen in love with the hiking. Red Rock Canyon! And the vibe downtown is pretty great – did you see Container Park?
I totally hate staying on the Strip though, especially when I don’t have a car. None of the food is easy or cheap! And the club scene is RIDICULOUS and not at all my thing. My boss keeps asking if I want to move there and sometimes I take him seriously and think about it and still come back with “no thanks.” But it’s kind of a cool place to get to know.
Yes, I did!! I wanted to see Fremont Street really badly, and my aunt suggested we go to Container Park and it was SO COOL. The mantis – I want 12!
I stayed with my aunt that lives about 20 minutes north of the strip, just in the desert, and we went to both Red Rock Canyon and the Desert National Wildlife Refuge. I was sad that I didn’t see any bighorn sheep, but it was so great nonetheless.
I agree – I don’t think I could live there, but it’s certainly a lot of fun to visit and I definitely felt compelled to come back.
Happy Friday, everybody! And happy nearly-Thanksgiving to the US Toasties!
What are your plans for the day? MrChouffe and I are going to a friend’s restaurant for supper–he hosts a potluck-style thing for the community every year and it’s a ton of fun.
I am meeting up with my sister and best friend and watching last week’s episode of Sailormoon Crystal, and then I will be playing Pokémon Alpha Sapphire until my hands fall off!
Dinner sounds like fun, though!
ah, that dinner sounds awesome!!!! Have fun!
I’m bringing the New Boo around to meet the fam (!) – annnndddd he’s actually moving his cat into my house that weekend, as the next step in his permanent move-in, slated for the end of December. STOKED.
More excitement than my average Thanksgiving, so I plan on doing a healthy amount of meditation, and exercise, and possibly researching a spiritual teacher at my Sangha.
Have a lovely dinner!
Hosting eight-ish friends and trying to come up with a gluten-free treat for the birthday girl. (If anyone has recommendations, please share!) Renting a car tomorrow morning for a long trip to another friend’s surprise 30th. It is everyone’s birthday this weekend! Happy birthday, bartender! Happy birthday, everyone!
Make her a pie! It’s really easy to make a gluten-free pie crust.
NGL, I’m probably gonna spend the day sauced, eating everything I want to/can find, and reading through some of the fic I’ve had bookmarked on AO3.
I love family- and responsibility-free holidays.
It’s going to be a very small group for Thanksgiving this year, which makes me a little sad. Still, we’re doing a full meal and I’m trying to get some of my mom’s or grandma’s friends to come to make it a little more festive. Any suggestions on how to make it feel celebratory if it’s just the three of us?
Candles! Candles everywhere!
I’m working all Thanksgiving day (I’m still annoyed by this, as I work in retail and not, say, in something crucial like a hospital), but when I get off, I’m going over to my sister’s to have dinner with the whole family. And then some time that weekend, my dad is doing a belated dinner because by god, he finally replaced our broken oven just for Thanksgiving and he’s not gonna let a little thing like scheduling issues prevent him from cooking a turkey in the vicinity of the holiday.
We are packing up our children and our housemate and driving to our friends house about 120 miles from here to spend 3 or 4 days lounging about eating unhealthy food and playing games and watching our small children play with their teenage children. And probably getting very little sleep because there will be 12 people in the house (it’s a big house but not that big!) most of the time, but I am looking forward to it anyway. We are not in touch with any of our blood family and our partner isn’t really either, so I am right now feeling very lucky that we have these friends we have known for 20 years who have opened their family to us. It means my kids are growing up with sort-of cousins and everything.
Also, they wrap their turkey in bacon which is delicious.
I’m at work (boo) and going to get my hairs cut after work (yay, hopefully! Seeing a new hair person for the first time.) then I’m going to bed so I can get up for Body Pump tomorrow and do weighted squats to terrible pop music.
I’m invited to family dinner but all I want is to have the house to myself! So if my lovers go, I’m staying home; if they stay home, I take my dog and take to the sea for the day.
After a very stressful week (and an office potluck for lunch today), I plan to work off some of the various pumpkin desserts at the gym, and then do as little as humanly possible for the rest of the day. I can’t wait!
Hey Toasties! I really good friend of mine is having twins (!!!!) in a week and a half. I have volunteered to bring her food, but I’ve never really done the feeding new parents thing. Does anyone have any tips? Things people brought for you that was a great/terrible idea? Does it work better to bring frozen meals that they can heat up on their own, or should I bring hot food by more often (I asked her what she preferred, she said she had no idea)? Does anyone have any recipes of good things to bring? They’re pretty adventurous eaters, except that the husband claims he doesn’t feel full unless there’s meat involved.
Meals that can be frozen are great. I really like this mushroom lasagna from smitten kitchen, we made that when my sister and law had her first kid. http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2010/10/mushroom-l…
Though I’m sure meat lasagna works just as well.
Also, a few times with friends I’ve brought some spa/relaxing things for the parents. Bath salts, mud masks, etc, as well as an offer to watch the kid for a while if they need to actually go take a bath.
My preg friends mostly liked the “frozen, for reheating” meals. How exciting for your friend! My biffle had twins in September, it’s fun to be a friend/aunt to twins!
I’ve done a New Baby Food Box a few times, usually with a lasagne that can be frozen, some hardy fruit, and a bunch of snacky things that can be eaten one-handed while feeding the baby. A few batches of The Kitchn’s buttermilk quick bread in muffin form usually go over well (http://www.thekitchn.com/how-to-make-buttermilk-quick-bread-with-10-different-variations-164621). Also a bottle of wine or some cans of Guinness, if they’re drinkers and it’s to their taste – even with crazy newborn schedules, it can be nice to take a break, and it doesn’t go bad!
I made a friend things that could be eaten one-handed — homemade granola bars, and beef empanadas. A big ziplock of empanadas can sit in your fridge for a while and you can just grab one, nuke it, and eat it while holding a baby in one arm. (I did them homemade bc I was unemployed at the time and had plenty of free time)
I did these: http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2007/04/chicken-re…
and the granola bars from her cookbook!
I usually ask if they’d like a freezer meal or a fridge meal; not everyone has room in the freezer on short notice. But even if you bring a freezer meal that has to go into the fridge, they can just eat it that night! Usually I bring small disposable containers (like Gladware or take-out pint tubs or foil pans for stuff they’ll be baking) so they don’t have to keep track of the dishes.
I usually bring a wide range of foods because it’s hard to guess when they’ll actually eat their “dinner”: whether it will be an actual dinner or a midnight meal or a brunch with visiting relatives. And I try to include at least one thing that isn’t highly seasoned in case the mother is nursing and the baby is reacting to [onions/garlic/spices].
For example, my last baby care package delivery included:
– a batch of black bean soup* split up into containers so it’s easy to thaw just two bowls at a time
– a quiche full of vegetables but no onions (which they could eat for dinner, out of hand at midnight, or save for breakfast)
– a batch of rolls, a small round of cornbread (this probably allowed them to eke two meals out of the soup and quiche w/o making a trip to the store for bread)
– a bag of salad greens, some nuts and dried fruit, and a jar of dressing
– some other cold vegetable I can’t remember
– oatmeal cranberry bars (which are also great for breakfast)
– and a small pan of brownies just because we were having some and why not split the batch?
That’s kinda overkill, but they’re very dear friends, and I had time to do it.
For most people, ease of preparation is a big factor. If you can make it so they don’t have to do more than put the food [in the oven/in the microwave/into a saucepan] to warm up, or so that they can just serve from the container, all the better. For example, last time, I even cut up the oatmeal raisin bars because you need two hands to do it: You can’t slice one off while you’re holding a baby.
*This happens to be vegetarian, but that black bean soup is spectacular with cooked Italian sausage. Just crumble and cook it first thing, drain off the fat, then proceed with the recipe.
My reply wound up as a separate comment waaaay farther down, so I’m reposting:
When I had my son (exactly a year ago today!!!), a friend brought over pre-cooked dumplings and it was great. I froze half and kept half in the refrigerator. They are small, easy to eat with one hand (as previously mentioned in this thread), and contain vegetables, meat and carbs all in one package. Also I love dumplings.
Recipes: http://steamykitchen.com/5849-chinese-boiled-pork… http://www.thekitchn.com/how-to-make-asian-dumpli…
Soups and stews that you bring over in single-serving, freezable, disposable tupperware containers (so they don’t have to worry about washing/returning the dishes*). I tend to make a big pot of vegetable bean chili (you could add meat), because it’s healthy, filling, and all they have to do is heat and eat.
You could also find out which restaurant that delivers is their favorite. I appreciated many a delivered meal during the first few weeks after having a baby.
If you have access to a food processor, I highly recommend these chocolate chip cookie dough energy bars from Shutterbean. I made them for a friend who’d just had a baby and was trying to avoid sugar, but I thought might still like a sweet treat-type thing. They wound up being so tasty that I made them for myself and now try to always have a batch in the freezer (they make an excellent “I need to eat SOMEthing or I’m going to pass out while doing squats but I have no time or appetite for actual food” early morning pre-gym bite). I make them with roasted salted cashews instead of raw because they’re just tastier that way.
Happy birthday season, Bartender! Today is my actual birthday, as it happens. I am 26. And only the slightest bit miffed that my coworkers have completely forgotten. (The tradition in my division is that when someone has a birthday, we get them a card and order food in and have a big picnic lunch in the middle of our cubicle farm. It is a bit impractical, but a lot of fun. And it’s never nice to be overlooked. But oh well, I am already half over it.)
Husband is taking me to a small local theatre to see The Glass Menagerie and then we are going out to dinner.
It’s weird, because most of the time I don’t feel that much different from me at 22 or 18 or 14. There have been major changes in my life over time, obviously, but overall there’s also a strong sense of continuity and constancy. 99% of my friends are the friends I had in my early/late teens and I’m even more into Harry Potter than I was when I was 11, so… *twiddles thumbs* But then I’ll read one of my old diaries and it’s like WAIT, WHO IS THIS GIRL. It’s not like I wrote anything truly awful or objectionable (“Dear diary, today I bit off a kitten’s head”) but it’s just that I have no memory of all these things that were such huge concerns for me at the time and that I wrote about with such passion, so I can’t really relate to the person I’m seeing on the page. So I simultaneously feel like I haven’t changed in any significant way and like I have no recognition of past versions of me, and it’s strange. And I don’t know if this entire paragraph has a point, but hey, it’s an open thread so whatever.
Happy birthday!! I hope tonight will make up for your coworkers’ glaring omission.
Happy Birthday!! The good thing about being 23 is you get to play “What’s my age again?” on repeat for a year. Or force your friends to sing it at karaoke like I did. 😛
Happy Birthday! You share the special day with my childhood dog, Cassie, who just turned 14. Mom texted me a bunch of photos of her and I’m trying not to cry at work!!
You are young and strong and hopefully every year from here on out is better than every year that has already happened. Have a lovely dinner and then extend your party times all through the weekend.
Happy birthday! And apologies – the embroidery has wandered somewhere, so it hasn’t been posted. BUT I need things to do to distract me from the terrible job hunt, so something will be coming your way (eventually!). Just forget about this, and then you’ll get a surprise in the post.
Happy birthday! I’m sorry about your coworkers. I’m throwing you an impractical picnic in my heart/own office. And those feelings about not recognizing your past self, but also feeling like you haven’t changed? YUP, I have them too!
Happy birthday! I celebrated my 26 1/2 birthday earlier this week. And I feel you on reading back over journals or whatever–things were really, END OF THE WORLD big deals to me and now I don’t even remember people’s names that I went to school with–it’s normal.
Happy Birthday!
omg STAHP hiddles is too cute and i’m OVULATING
ALSO HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO WINTERBYMORNING
oh jesus i just had an actual physical reaction to that
right click save
Psst, all my Hiddleston gifs are available for your downloading pleasure RIGHT HERE. Enjoy!
Happy Birthday!! I completely understand your last paragraph. Especially the part about being even more into Harry Potter now.
Happy happy birthday!
I am not sure how any of that works, like the getting older and seeing yourself in the past and stuff thing, but it sounds kind of like it has been a continuous process for you so the parts you carried along are familiar and the changes in them have been gradual? And then you read the diary and there are parts you have let go and those are the strange ones?
Toasties, so long and thanks for all the fish, sort of. I am moving across the globe, and from now on will be in bed sleeping when posts are posted. I’ll still be reading, but won’t be around to comment (timely, maybe I’ll comment late) any more. I feel that I have such friends here, and I will miss interacting with all you lovely people. And thanks especially to those who helped me through my stressful past week!
And happy birthday dear Bartender.
OMG I GOT A CLEVERMANKA GIF AND IT IS PERFECT
My life is now complete.
<3 you
I hope you will still find time to comment, even if it’s later! I find that people still have conversations hours and days after the comments open, and maybe we’ll cross paths in those after-hours comments threads. Good luck with the move!
Definitely keep commenting! I dunno about everybody else but I get an email when someone replies to me so it’s super easy to keep the convos rollin’.
Thank you for the well wishes!
One of the things I will miss most about living in Europe (not even the US!) is having conversations here, so I will do my best to still be around.
Oh no! I am happy for your move and everything, but I hope you do not vanish! I think we should re-start our request for a night-time Open Thread for people who are not around daytime US time!
Aww shucks
blushes
I think there are some people who hang around open thread late, maybe we can join them? Could be an great start to Saturday morning!
As a West Coast-ian I am usually kicking around the OT after many folks have logged off for the day! Plus, there’s always Twitter, if you are so inclined. There is always some lively-ass chat over there, at pretty much all hours of the day.
This may just be the kick in the pants needed to get me on to The Twitters.
Also, when I got in from the field today my phone rang and it was a recruiter, calling me at my work number. I have no idea how this person got my number, and I’m honestly a bit upset about it. I’m not CURRENTLY looking to leave my company but I feel like saying ‘no’ to even hearing their spiel would be burning too many bridges.
halp?
‘I’m not currently looking to leave my workplace, but if you leave the details of the company you’re recruiting for, I’ll consider them in future’
I like this! I’ve also gone with, “If I think of anyone I know who might be interested in such a position, I’ll have them get in touch with you.” That way you and the recruiter can pretend they really were just calling to see if you “knew anyone who might be interested” and it sounds better from your end if anyone sneaky might be eavesdropping.
You should tell them that! Don’t worry about “burning bridges,” it’s completely inappropriate for them to cold-call you at your office and it’s perfectly reasonable to be upset about it. The universal truth of recruiters is that there are millions of them, a lot of them are shitty, and it’s not worth wasting your time on the shitty ones. Call them out on it, for sure.
hmm, I’ve only ever heard from recruiters at my work email, and I’ve had hiring managers call me directly at work, but I work in a small, collegial field where everyone knows everyone so… maybe it’s different? But it seems like it would be creepy and invasive if they called you at home…
Anyways, it’s fine to say, “thanks, not interested right now.” They’re used to hearing it. They’re paid commission and so can’t afford to hold a grudge for anything that doesn’t rise to the level of, say, murdering their puppy.
Toasties, I am coaching 3 of the women of the Houston Heights Ladies’ Lifting Club (aka my friends and neighbors; we train in my garage) in their first powerlifting meet in Austin this weekend*! They are going to have an awesome time and blow the doors off and never ever take guff again from bros who want to curl in the squat rack! Wish them luck!
* (and then lifting myself in the evening session, which may stink after coaching all morning)
WOO HOO, GO HOUSTON HEIGHTS LADIES’ LIFTING CLUB!
OMG YOU HAVE A LIFTING CLUB!
Take pictures and braaaaaag!
OH MANNNNNN CAN I JOIN YOUR LIFTING CLUB?! Small wrench: I don’t live in Texas, at all.
My gym has a great sign, “NO CURLING IN THE SQUAT RACK, CHARLES!”
Thanks everyone! I’ll take pics, and see if I can get permission from the lifters to post them.
Also, sure, the club is open to anyone, although I should emphasize we aren’t a for-real gym, just some folks training in a garage. 🙂
guyyys my childhood pet is probably going to be put down RIGHT before I go home for Thanksgiving.
To clarify- he is a majestic orange tabby beast named Mick. He is an ornery fellow and basically runs my parents life, so I worry about them, and I will miss him very much.
He sounds fabulous! Orange tabbies are lovely! And I’m so sorry, losing childhood pets is just terrible.
Oof. That is sad, I’m so sorry.
Oh no! I am so sorry 🙁 That happened to my older brother and sister when I was 17, and everything about it was horrible.
Oh my goodness, I wish the internet had a proper sincerity font so I could express how sorry I am to hear that. That’s the roughest nuts. :[
Ooof, I am so sorry.
your gifs are immeasurably comforting as always 🙂
Oh I am so sorry to hear that.
That happened to me a few Thanksgivings ago. My condolences. Losing a pet, especially the one you grew up with, is really heartbreaking. Eat all the pie and have some wine and snuggle yourself up in good memories.
Oh no, I’m so sorry. 🙁
I’m so sorry clarizard. 🙁 mourn however you need to, many hugs coming your way.
IT’S MY LAST DAY AT WORK! I’M GONNA BE A WRITER! DADS AT THE NEW YORK TIMES HATE ME! WOOOOOO!
wooooooooooooooooooo!!!!
Oh man the Times comments are broken for me but I cannot fathom how a Dad could hate you! It’s so obvious that Dad Magazine comes from a place of love.
Wooohooooo!
Woo Jaya!!!
Nice things: A federal judge here in Montana lifted the ban on gay marriage, so my upcoming wedding is going to be LEGAL, that’s right! Sorrynotsorry, bigots.
yaaaaaay!
BOOM.
Yes!!
It’s looking like marriage equality will be here to stay in South Carolina, too!
I misread that as ‘funeral judge’ at first and laughed.
Best wishes to the two of you!
And the Russian judge with a 4.2/10 for the coffin. Ash wood is perhaps not a popular choice, but that seems a bit harsh.
YAAAAAAAAAY! I’m sorry you had to deal with the stress of bigots dictating the law, but so glad they’ve lifted the ban. That is nonsense and it stinks that you had to even consider it for a moment.
Ah! Yay! Fantastic news. Congrats!!
fuckyeah it is! congrats
I was so excited to see that news. It made me want to not go to work yesterday, but to go to the local courthouse with flowers to hand to all the happy couples getting their marriage licenses. Instead I spent too much time at work trolling local news websites looking at slideshows of all the couples and getting misty.
Many congratulations on your upcoming wedding as well!
Been dealing with the 100% worst experience of my life, coping mechanisms under the comment here. DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE PREGNANT OR WANT TO BE PREGNANT THAT IS MY RECOMMENDATION.
Lost my little girl at 21 weeks, a month ago. Healthy pregnancy, healthy little girl fetus: then out of nowhere, preterm labor. It is the worst worst worst worst worst heartbreak and it is so fucking hard to move through this, despite the fact I have so many wonderfully supportive and kind people around me.
Here is how I’m “coping”:
1) Not becoming an alcoholic
2) 2 hour sadness baths
3) Put all my sewing things away (my sewing was all for her, recently, and I need to shift gears) and set up a drawing corner where I draw the most miserable, saddest doodles that no one should ever see
4) Therapy, mostly to make sure I am not actually losing my mind
5) Talking to people who’ve been through similar experiences.
It’s so hard and consuming and awful and I KNOW I’ll get through this but it is just so, so sad and I think it’s probably always going to be sad, and I’m trying to come to terms with that. Thoughts from anyone who has experienced something similar would be much appreciated.
I am so, so, so sorry to hear this. It sounds like you are doing a lot of good things to take care of yourself and that makes me happy. Please continue to do those things, because they are important because YOU are important.
I offer you all sympathy I can and my fervent wishes that you and your family are surrounded by people who care about you and do nice things for you. I cannot imagine what you’re going through but the longread article Nicole posted earlier this week was very illuminating for me about parents’ grief. I do not know if it will be helpful, now or ever, but maybe it will be.
Holding you in the light.
I started to read that, and it was a little bit too much at the time, but I’ll bookmark it and save it for later. Thank you.
Oh my god, I’m so sorry to hear that!! It really is one of the worst, hardest things. I have never been pregnant but I have a friend who went through a similar experience and #5 was absolutely a godsend for her–can you find a local support group?
I’ve been looking into it but have been HUGELY resistant to leaving my house. But this is good to know, that it helped your friend. I’ll make some calls, and make a goal for myself: a meeting within the next month or so. How is your friend now? Is she ok? May I ask?
Yeah, I get that. I think the support group is probably a mid-term solution rather than a short-term one.
She’s definitely ok now. We still talk about it on the anniversary and of course it’s still a sad thing, but it gets easier with time like any other grief. I think the important thing is to recognize that it IS like any other grief and not try to short-change yourself.
Oh amanita, I am so sorry for your loss. Please continue to take care of yourself. Sending you all my love.
I’m so sorry for you. My best friend lost her baby halfway through pregnancy last year; I was with her in the delivery room and it was heartbreaking. I think you’re probably right in that it’s not something you will ‘get over’ – rather, it’s sometihng you wil learn to live with without it crippling you. Be kind to yourself, let it take time, and don’t be embarrassed to grieve properly for your daughter. You’re doing a lot of the things that have helped my friend through this last year.
I am so, so sorry for your friend’s loss, and what a generous thing you did for her, staying with her through that. My relative was with me, as my partner was out of town, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to convey my gratitude for her calm & compassion & like, just – witnessing. It can’t have been easy, for her or for you. All my best thoughts to you and your friend and her family.
I’m really sorry for your loss. I’m glad you are doing things to take care of yourself and I hope you keep going with it. I’m sending you lots of virtual hugs and love.
I am so very, very sorry that you are going through this. But you are doing so many things that are good–healthy things. Moving through grief is awful–it’s like pushing your way through an Olympic swimming pool filled with mud. You sink and flounder and cry–it’s scary and incredibly hard, draining, physically exhausting work. One day (and no one can say when that day will be), you will realize that you climbed out of the pool and now you’re just walking, caked with heavy mud. The further you walk, the more that mud will drop off. Life will go on–it will, as horrible and beautiful as that sounds right now. You will probably always have some mud on you somewhere from your trek through the pool. It will be easier, one day.
I am so terribly sorry for what you are going through.
It’s interesting (“interesting”) how this experience compares to past griefs – it’s in the body, this loss. But you are so right, that it will be easier someday, that it’s exhausting, terrible work now. Thank you.
Oh, Jesus. I’m so sorry.
Oh gosh. I’m so sorry to hear this, all of the sympathy! 🙁
I am so sorry and devastated for you… that has got to be one of the deepest pains a woman will ever feel. I can only offer my sympathetic thoughts and (if it is helpful to you) prayers. You are in my heart.
Oh, this is heartbreaking. A friend of mine bravely documented their experience here if it would help to read that and know you aren’t alone. Maybe, like the other one, bookmark it and save it for later?
Regardless, you are in my thoughts today.
Thank you so much for this link – it’s resonant, for sure. Some friends of mine went through a 40 week loss about 5 years ago and even now I just can’t imagine. Thank you again.
I am so incredibly sorry, beyond words. I am glad you are coping, and I am glad you know you will get through it, but it is terribly sad and difficult in the right now. We are glad to listen.
We have not been through this ourselves, but two different people we love have, and so we know from them that it does not become erased, but that over time it does become less sad. One of them has a little memorial every year, not wanting the baby to be forgotten, and that seems to help her very much. But the other friend handles it very differently, so… I am sure you will find your way. I am glad you are reaching out and talking to people.
What blows my mind is how COMMON this is. IT IS SO COMMON. We’ve had so many people contact us to tell us their stories, and I just had no idea, before. I guess if people talked about it more, no one would ever try to get pregnant because it would be too terrifying? It is SO terrifying, now – as it stands, I’ve been told that I have an 85-90% chance of carrying my next pregnancy to term and those numbers are not comforting in the least.
The allowing yourself to find your own way through- that is a thing I have to remind myself, over and over. Thank you so much.
I agree about the common, it seems like one of those open secret things, where nobody talks about it because it’s so uncomfortable and yet once you reach that point in your life suddenly you find out? We had lots of friends with kids and had the vague impression it had all been sunshine and roses for them until we got pregnant and they all started sharing the terrifying pregnancy/miscarriage/loss/birth stories. In a way I am glad nobody told us before or yes, we might not have wanted to get pregnant, but … I don’t know, it is just very weird.
Keep talking and finding your way. I saw what you said above about the grief being in your body. Can you do any kind of exercise yet? Yoga? Gentle stretching? Something to let the energy out physically too.
Jesus, I am so tremendously sorry. What a terrible, terrible loss. I hope no one is trying to rush you through your grief. Mourning keeps its own schedule.
Oh, amanita, I’m so, so sorry for your loss. You sound like you’re dealing with this as well as anyone could, being thoughtful and compassionate of yourself in this sad time. I’m sending good thoughts to you, and I’ll be thinking of you.
Oh honey, I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thoughts.
Oh my goodness, I am so sorry. I don’t have anything else to add but wanted you to know I’m thinking of you.
I’m so, so sorry.
I’m still figuring out most presents. Here’s what I have so far:
Uncles and aunts and grandparents: custom hand-made journals from my roommate’s shop. She just got one of those Etsy-square things so I can pay her with credit! Totally rad.
Mom: Fabric ends in quantity for her postcard quilt, and a book of Japanese dress patterns.
Roommates: Cute keepsake ornaments, because this is the first year as adults that any of us will have a proper Christmas tree.
Friends back home: Jewelry and tchotchkes from local businesses.
Here’s what is harder:
Dad: last year I got him a USB oscilloscope, which was a hit, but you really only need one of those…
Brother: I typically get him a couple English-language comic books, because he can’t get those where he lives. But I need an additional gift.
Boyfriend: I’m thinking a cheese-making kit would be fun for him, but that would also need to be supplemented because I could get everything he needs (sans milk) for like $15.
I’m asking for climbing shoes and a rolling pin this year. And books because my I always want books.
I don’t know what kind of comics your brother likes or how into them he is or age or whatnot, but I really liked Scott McCloud’s Understanding Comics!
Crafty Toasties! You selling your wares for the holidays? Got an Etsy shop or some craft fairs lined up? ARE YOU EXCITED?
I’ve never had luck with craft fairs because apparently I am a niche weirdo, but I do have a jewelry shop with a sale going on until midnight tonight. So far ZERO BITES, probably because it’s the third week of the month and everyone is waiting to get paid, but I didn’t want to wait for the traditional Black Friday/beginning-of-December sales time because most Etsy buyers are in the US and I am not, so shipping times have to be taken into consideration. Although I’ll probably try that too because Jesus, Etsy is not raking in the cash like it used to. It’s not just me, is it?
YES and PLEASE because I am SO BROKE and I have never had much luck on Etsy but I know I am terrible at it (photos, tags, all of it except the actual making and shipping of stuff).
My Bloomershop is restocked! Code WINTER20 gets you 20% off!
Your bloomers are AMAZING! Love the print selection! Would I wear a pair? Don’t know, I’m always in jeans or leggings but I do have a knee length, a-line jean skirt; wouldn’t the lace peek under the hem? I wanna wear these because I love the concept but…..I’m conflicted!
Oh, thank you! They are fun. And you don’t have to wear them as underwear only. In the summer, I wear mine as PJ bottoms. Another friend of mine wears hers around the house instead of lounge- or yoga-pants.
Sometimes the lace does peek out under my skirts but honestly I kind of love that. It feels flirty and a bit naughty. =D
Oooh, pajama bottoms…why didn’t I think of that? Hmmmm, I could use some spoiling. But would you ship to Canada?
Sent from my iPad
Yes yes yes I will ship to Canada! I just haven’t made the time (ugh, see this is exactly why I’m so bad at this selling thing) to make the time to estimate postage to Canada. Let me figure out how much it will cost and I’ll change my shipping policies! It costs $6.40 to mail one pair priority in the State, so to Canada might be, I dunno…$8 or $9?
Then it’s a done deal! Can you link your Etsy shop again, please?
Sent from my iPad
You bet! https://www.etsy.com/shop/BloomerShop
Also, I just estimated the price online and it looks like a one-pound package to Canada is $10.95 which seems absolutely OUTRAGEOUS to me, but there ya go.
Okay, I tried to add a Canadian shipping option and it made it so I can ONLY ship to Canada. WTF. If you let me know which pair you want, I’ll mark it for shipping to Canada and then you can order it.
I AM SO BAD AT FIGURING HOW TO DO THIS STUFF.
Edit: Woo Freaking Hoo I figured it out! So now you can just pick the pair you like. OH THANK GOODNESS WHY WAS THAT SO CONFUSING.
WHOA niche is right! I love your jewelry, and if I had any disposable income at all I’d be throwing it in your direction for real.
Her stuff is AMAZING. I bought the Ouija necklace and I wear it at least once a week. Usually twice. I LOVE IT SO BEAUTIFUL AND PERFECT.
Thank you both! <3 If I ever make any more damn money I’m going to buy a bracelet mandrel and start making ouija board cuffs. COPPER EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME
I will be first in line for that Ouija board bracelet for real.
Ah I love yr stuff! I may have to splurge. I’m a newly single lady, after all.
Toastfolk, this is probably my last open thread for a long time! New job starts on December 1st, and from the sound of things, I will be much too busy in this job to have time to obsessively check the Toast (also it will be a while before I gain the courage to go on fun internet sites at my new job, lest my co-workers think I am horrible and lazy). I will miss these threads.
Congratulations! We’ll be here when you get time to check in.
Congrats and good luck in the new job – I hope everything goes smoothly for you!
Congratulations! Good luck!
Were any of you good souls at Ladyfest 2000 in Olympia, WA? It’s been *counts on fingers* more than ten years, and I’d be curious to hear your impressions. (One of mine: The Toast is kind of like the utopia we were a little too fragmented to envision and build then, which makes me love it all the more). On Butter: I like hippie non-everything margarine, but The Butter tops even that. I’m going to go for a walk today and not return until I can give or receive an unexpected kindness. Also possibly a donut.
Who wants to talk about Key & Peele in this here open thread?
I’m so bad at keeping up with full episodes, but I just watched the Keep Dancing sketch and oh god. It was perfect.
I’ve mostly just spent the last week watching their individual sketches back to back. I actually think they’re better that way.
Insubordinate! And churlish!
Key and Peele are much loved in our office.
I got my eye on you, Jay-Quelyn.
I showed that sketch to my sister because SHE IS THAT SUBSTITUTE only not a sub. She used to teach at an extremely rough school (as in, cops in the halls, gang activity, wildly overcrowded, metal detectors, had to go to court cause a student threatened to knife her to death in her trailer, etc) and is now at a quiet, laid back rural school with fewer students. She has, shall we say, not quite figured out how to tone down her Terrifying Teacher You Do Not Fuck With levels and her new students are petrified of her. A girl threw up in class because she was too scared to ask her to go to the bathroom. !!! I was like, you need to dial it back from 11 a little bit, you are gonna give these kids complexes.
I love them so much, I want to get a boyfriend solely so we can go as Meegan and her boyfriend for Halloween. HE WILL BE MEEGAN.
That’s an incredible idea. Also WHY IS JORDAN PEELE SO PRETTY AS MEEGAN, it’s not fair. I want to look that good in lip gloss.
Their ripoff of the True Detective opening is truly inspired.
Ok, polling everyone:
What are your favorite /original/ pop Christmas songs? As in, not traditional songs, and not the umpteenth unnecessary cover of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside.”
Mine are “Yule Shoot Your Eye Out” by Fall Out Boy (my favorite Christmas song of ever), “Don’t Let The Bells End” by The Darkness, and of course, “All I Want For Christmas Is You” by Mariah Carey.
Father Christmas, The Kinks. Gold. Fucking. Standard.
I really like “That Was the Worst Christmas Ever!” by Sufjan Stevens, “Everything’s Going to be Cool This Christmas” by the Eels, “It’s Christmas So We’ll Stop” by Frightened Rabbit, and obviously “Fairytale of New York” by the Pogues.
That Was the Worst Christmas Ever! Is one of my favorite songs ever, but I try to limit its playing to just Christmas. Sufjan has a lot of good original Christmas songs, I think I like his original better than his classics reinterpretation.
Oh yeah, I agree! I really like his original Christmas songs. “That Was the Worst Christmas Ever!” I play pretty much all through the winter.
Heck Yes to “That Was The worst Christmas Ever!” I think I got it as like, a free itunes download years ago, and it swiftly became one of my all-time favorites. I also try to limit it to just Christmas so I get super giddy when I let myself have at it every December. I am also very partial to “The Happiest Christmas Tree” from Nat King Cole. It’s so kitsch, but it makes me happy when I’m wrapping presents.
Cowboy’s Christmas Ball by the Killers!
best Christmas albums:
A Christmas Gift to You by Phil Spector (actually by every girl group he produced)
The Los Straitjackets Christmas album
mariah, of course.
i also really like otis redding’s “merry christmas, baby.”
Tinsel and Lights by Tracey Thorn! The album is also called Tinsel and Lights and it is EXCELLENT. Mostly covers of other artists’ Christmas songs, none of them are traditional. It’s not super peppy or Christmas-y sounding, so you can listen to it for a month straight without wanting to strangle an elf.
I really love Winter Song by Ingrid Michaelson and Sara Bareilles. But it’s not very upbeat.
I love that one. Love is Christmas by Sara Bareilles also very good. But also not upbeat.
another vote for “All I Want for Christmas Is You” (of course), “Fairytale of New York” (of course), and also “White Wine in the Sun” by Tim Minchin, “The Christians and the Pagans” by Dar Williams, and “Red Ribbon Foxes” by A Fine Frenzy. 🙂
White Wine in the Sun – FINALLY a southern hemisphere Christmas song. I do love it so
Christmas in Hollis. Hands down best Christmas song ever
I always like the weird or dark ones.
So:
“A spaceman came travelling” is right up there https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GmZg7tvGN9o
Followed by “A Fairytale in New York” and “Won’t you Stop The Cavalry”
My favorite is probably “If You Were Born Today” by Low, and my friends hate it because it’s “a downer”.
Another vote for “Fairytale of New York.” I’ll listen to jaded Irishmen slur their way through songs any day of the week, but especially at Christmastime.
I’ll listen to jaded Irishmen slur their way through songs any day of the week, but especially at Christmastime.
Words to live by
When I was younger, my parents and I would go to Xmas eve mass, then dinner at Outback, then we’d drive around town looking at the lights and decorations and dad and I would play Fairytale of New York over and over singing along together. Ah, fond memories!
Another vote for “Christmas Wrapping” by the Waitresses, plus “I Don’t Believe in Christmas” by the Sonics, “Come On Let’s Boogey to the Elf Dance” by Sufjian Stevens, “It’s Christmas Time”, by Yo La Tengo, and “I Know What He Wants For Christmas (But I Don’t Know How To Wrap It) by Kay Martin (that last one maaaay not be family appropriate, depending on your family)
Jeez, for a not terribly festive person, I sure do have a lot of favorite Christmas songs
It probably doesn’t count, but the Straight No Chaser version of “The Twelve Days of Christmas” is, by its end, an entirely new creation.
“Just Like Christmas” by Low is lovely. I also love old-timey everything, so “Country Christmas” by Loretta Lynn plays pretty often, much to my partner’s chagrin. In general, though, I really can’t get enough of boring old choral Christmas songs. NPR has a fantastic choral Christmas mix: http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?stor…
I like Amy Grant’s “Breath of Heaven” not because I’m super religiousy but it’s really pretty and I like her voice and it’s from Mary’s perspective about how scary it must have been to just be abracadabra preggers. Also my dad likes to play it on the piano and I sing, and that’s always really nice.
The Boy Least Likely To has a good Christmas album with a bunch of originals.
Snoopy’s Christmas, by the Royal Guardsman. It makes me cry.
oh god every time the fucking red baron says merry christmas my friend it’s raining on my face
I can’t believe I’m not the only one!!!!!!!!
Some weird, kiddo-type songs:
“I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas” by Gayla Peevey
and
“Dominick the Donkey” by Lou Monte
And my new obsession for this year is “White Winter Hymnal” covered by Pentatonix (originally Fleet Foxes, I think). Not Christmas, really, but wintery!
Not mentioned so far:
“I Want an Alien for Christmas” by Fountains of Wayne (light catchy pop)
“Merry Christmas Emily” by Cracker (pop/alt rock).
Almost every one I know of has already been said, so I’ll go with the two no one has said yet:
Christmas Reindeer – The Knife
Hark The Herald Angels Sing – The Fall
Silent Night – Andrew WK (YouTube it, it was part of Holiday Undercover on The AV Club a few years ago and it’s glorious)
A Christmas Duel by The Hives and Cyndi Lauper, Christmas Tree by Lady Gaga
Would Be Goods, “Christmas in Haiti” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WEOUIMTZmdE
MERRY CHRISTMAS
I COULD CARE LESS
I really, really love that FOB song. I listen to it all the time, even out of season. Then again, pretty much anything on the Santa Cause cds were A++++ – From First To Last’s straightedge days of Christmas, Something Corporate’s Forget December, The Matches’ December Is For Cynics…it’s a great album!!
My best friend and I are now separated by a few thousand miles, but we’re both usually home for Christmas and we put Yule Shoot Your Eye Out on in the car at least once when we’re together. It’s kind of “our” Christmas song, so listening to those lines without her always makes me a bit weepy :’)
brb checking out the FFTL thing, sounds right up my alley
“Hard Candy Christmas” by Dolly Parton! That whole Christmas album was my mom’s favorite and it totally RULES!
Don’t Call me Mrs Christmas by Emmy the Great & Tim Wheeler
Angels We have Heard on High by the Brian Setzer orchestra
Baby Please Come Home either U2 or Bon Jovi
God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen/We Three Kings by Barenaked Ladies & Sarah McLachlan
“Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)” sung by the incomparable Darlene Love
“Fairytale of New York” by the Pogues and “Father Christmas” by the Kinks.
This is something I’ve been thinking about lately but am embarrassed to really be open about, but I figure Toast commenters hopefully have some badass Toastron wisdom to share:
I have really low self-esteem in some areas of my life, especially basically anything pertaining to social relationships or how other people perceive me. It’s been an ongoing issue, and it’s even starting to affect my own romantic relationship negatively (e.g., my significant other makes a joke that I interpret as a serious criticism of me, and then I feel hurt by it).
I don’t really know how to improve my self-esteem, though. There are times when I can cognitively understand that I’m good enough, and doggone it people like me, etc. but most times my immediate, default reaction is to assume the opposite.
Does anyone have experience with steps to take for making this kind of thing better? I used to hope that it would naturally improve as I got older, but I’m not really young anymore and I’m tired of this being such a recurring issue in my life. I’ve started talking about this more with my therapist, but I’m also wondering if anyone has any first-hand wisdom or helpful reading recommendations or anything else to share.
My irrational gut reaction reading this is to say: Externalise that voice inside your head that is telling you those things and see what you can do to shut it up. Because it is internalised from somewhere outside of you, it is not something you were born with.
I realise this may be 100% irrelevant to your actual situation, but it is what came to me. Feel free to ignore!
“Because it is internalised from somewhere outside of you, it is not something you were born with.” I don’t usually think of it in those terms, but that makes a lot of sense—thank you! What you wrote reminds me of something I read in a recent review of Amy Poehler’s new book, where it mentioned that Amy Poehler talks in her book about her own internal criticisms and how she tries to stick up for herself in the same way she would for anyone else she cares about, i.e. by telling herself stuff like, “Hey, don’t talk about Amy like that, she’s my friend!” Anyway, again, thank you—this perspective is definitely helpful.
This can be something that cognitive behavioral therapy in particular is helpful for, since (in my laywoman’s understanding) it guides you through reframing those harmful, non-factually-based thoughts (“no one likes me. I’m so awkward. They don’t really want to hang out with me….etc.) into healthy, factually-based ones. (Though it sounds like you’re already talking about with with your therapist, which is awesome! The only thing I would suggest is, if you haven’t already done so, tell her/him clearly “This is something that has become debilitating (insert your own words here) so if we could concentrate on this for awhile, I would appreciate it.”
Or you could just bake everyone cookies all the time, which is more or less what I do. Will Bake For Love. (Though, no joke, then I start to worry they’re just being polite when they say they like my baking. Lord, what fools these mortals be.)
I know a little bit about CBT, mostly from reading stuff about it when I first realized I had social anxiety years back, but I haven’t done much with it beyond that. I think my therapist uses some CBT stuff, but I’m not sure how much; I need to look into that. Thanks for bringing it up, along with the other stuff you mentioned!
And I can definitely relate to the baking doubts—it’s maddening when you start to question whether even nice, seemingly genuine people really like you, or things you’ve made, or whether they’re just being polite. In those moments, my brain feels like such a ridiculous place.
I just want to give some empathy. I was a very shy child, which a lot of other kids mistook as me being too stuck up to make friends. My family moved around a lot too, so many of my friendships ended easily. Also, I had a lot of experience of thinking I was friends with someone only to have them completely blowing me off. I’m 29 and this happened with a former college friend this past year. So yeah, my self-esteem and my general trust in people to have relationships with me is fairly low.
I don’t want to give this as advice, but to show how I have eventually changed over the years. First, I am slowly becoming a person who doesn’t really care what a lot of people think about me. The kind of nice thing about rejection is that I’ve learned to take it without being completely devastated. It still hurts, but I bounce back quicker.
I’ve also become a lot more confident, so in conversation with acquaintances I am more myself with all the quirks and weirdness. This narrows down the acquaintances and turns them into friends, because if they’re sticking around I guess they kinda like me.
A lot of this change in me was definitely related to the hurts of the past. And I still panic about a long distance (and long time) friend doesn’t really like me anymore. But I take a “fake it til you make it” attitude because the alternative for me would be to have no friends.
Wow, that was long and rambly but I hope it offers some semblance of help.
Thank you for sharing and for the empathy! What you mentioned about slowly becoming a person who doesn’t really care what other people think of you is a big thing that I need to work toward. I so admire people who are able to just do their thing without getting held up by worrying about how they’re being perceived. I also really like your “if they’re sticking around I guess they kinda like me” perspective. I need to remember that about the people in my life.
Hi. I wish I had awesome wisdom and advice to share with you, but I do want to let you know that you’re not alone. I constantly think less of myself because I think other people must see me negatively. I can’t imagine how my husband can see only good things about me, and I immediately latch on to any criticism, even joking ones, because I’m sure they are the only views of me that could possibly be valid. I think I’m Less Than everyone else around me, and it sucks. I don’t know how to tell you to deal with it, because I don’t know myself. The only thing I can think of is that supposedly no one thinks that much about anyone other than themselves, which sounds cold but is sort of a small comfort, at least. Hugs to you, and I hope you find what you are looking for.
Thank you for sharing your experience, and hugs right back at you. <3 I can relate to basically everything you wrote, and feeling that way does indeed suck. I try to remind myself of what you mentioned, i.e. that everyone is dealing with their own problems, and even if I had excessive flaws (which I don’t think I actually do, but my brain makes it seem that way in the moment (thanks, brain!)), people are too busy with their own stuff to really be that bothered. I need to do a better job of keeping that in the forefront of my mind, though.
Ahhh! Happy birthday bartender! (WHAT IN THE WORLD is that glorious chocolate thing and where can I get one?)
ALSO I just want to say thank to all the Toasties who gave me advice last week with my housing saga. Turns out my brother is NOT breaking the lease, it was just a suggestion he emailed to me bc he’s a sort of a thoughtless dude sometimes and I guess forgot that I can be an intensely anxious person when people throw changes like that at me out of nowhere. It turns out his magical friend of the superbly cheap rent has an EXTRA ROOM in her magical house, so it’s likely that we will both be moving there come February. In fact, we’re going to meet her landlord parents tomorrow/i>, and I feel pretty good about that, because I’m good at parents.
kayloulee — I meant to reply to your awful roomie story because asking if you’ve washed your hands after you leave the bathroom? Set off actual screeching horror movie violins in my head. If you’re in NYC we should get a drink, girl, because seriously WHAT. If not, I hope you get out of there soon, jeez.
aw, yay for the redemption of younger siblings: good luck with the magical house!
Happy birthday, Bartender! Mine was this past Sunday. As I said on Twitter a few weeks ago: ah, November, when everyone tries not to think too hard about the reason that half the people they know are having birthdays.
I’m taking all of next week off and am SO EXCITED. I’m gonna watch/read/play all the things.
Happiest of birthdays, Bartender, and to many more that are as scrumptious and full of light as that lovely pastry.
NICE THINGS OTHER HUMANS HAVE DONE FOR ME IN THE PAST YEAR: handle my departure from my old job with grace (hi old boss, you were the highlight at my old place of employment, for serious), encourage me to do weird things in my art practice (hi entire MFA program), be around to help me with groceries the first time I bought them for my apartment, high five effusively (SEE: three high school bands lined up down a long hallway), help me move, therapy my brain such that I could be independent, befriend me. Thanks, humans!!
BUTTER: I’m going to be using a lot of it in the upcoming week, as my MFA Thanksgiving potluck deserves the very best. Or at least, the very best that my poor ass can afford, sry2say. IT’S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS. ETA –> how dare I not mention the most glorious of Butters, the one that is slick enough to be borne of our mother Toast. For shame.
20 more days left in nursing school! passed my exit exam! signed up for my nclex prep course, which I hope to finish before the new year! applying to jobs and networking! and… New Boo (probably time for a new name for him) and I have decided to live together!!!! Fuckin A right! We actually started talking about it about a month and a half ago, and it’s become quite real and quite awesome and comfortable but still a bit exciting – all the things it feels like it should be. Dude!
Yay! Go you!
Dude! So close to the finishing line in nursing school! Yay!
And great news that everything’s going well with New Boo. I hope it continues to be awesome and comfortable and still a bit exciting.
Aaaah that’s so exciting! Hope you get a great job and your household-merging is a success!
Yay! I’m sure you’re wonderful and on track for your DREAM JOB but remember, one year in any type of nursing will let you move on to something else if you desire. Seriously, a lot of hospitals (if that’s even what you’re looking for) get nervous about new grads but after a year they will be falling over themselves to hire you. Good luck! It’s scary at the beginning but it is a great job. 12 hour shift/3 days a week FOR EVER.
Toasts, do you remember that job I’ve been venting about in past open threads? I had a great interview, but then weeks past the deadline I still hadn’t heard back? I finally got an email from an HR person at the org… saying that I have been “found qualified” and placed in a pool “for a possible appointment for a future date.” I emailed back to ask whether this meant they have offered the job to another candidate. The HR person sent a snippy reply (I know it’s hard to gauge tone in text, but it seemed pretty damn snippy to me) saying that “No offer has been made” and that I will be contacted if hiring managers consider me to be the right fit for “a position based on organizational needs.”
I am very confused by this but I obviously can’t email back for further clarification since my first round of polite questions was met with obfuscation and bureaucracy-speak. But…
1. If “No offer has been made” means no offer has been made TO ME, yeah, I gathered that.
2. If it means they haven’t offered the job to anyone yet, then… why not just make an offer to one of the candidates in the pool?
3. Why would I be appointed to *A* position as opposed to the one I actually interviewed for?
4. When govt. departments put up job postings for the purpose of establishing a candidate pool IN CASE vacancies come up in the future, it clearly says “Anticipatory staffing” in the job title and the posting further clarifies that this whole exercise is just to create a pool and there is no actual vacancy yet. I checked the job posting for this and it says “There is an immediate need to fill 2 vacancies.” What happened to those vacancies?
I understand that sometimes operational needs change, or budgets get trimmed and you no longer have the money to fill a position, but just have the decency to tell candidates that. I really do not appreciate being jerked around by random HR drones who make it sound like there was never an actual opening in the first place and I’m crazy or stupid for thinking that.
Probably because they are bad at HR and maybe after a bunch of interviews they realized they didn’t know what they were looking for.
OR they were asking too much and are trying to split it into two positions. That has happened to me; I interviewed for a digital archiving position, first round, then saw it reposted in different form three months later.
That sucks. If it helps. I have noticed that a lot of HR staff are surprisingly bad at interacting with people. To me, it sounds like they are now not sure if they’re going to hire anyone for that particular job, or maybe put off filling it for a while. They should totally be more upfront with you, though. Have companies always treated job applicants like shit the way they do now, or is this another delightful side-effect of the recession?
That is the hedgiest hiring email I’ve heard of in a while. This is the one that you interviewed for months ago, right? If so, it’s quite possible that the departmental structure has been rejigged, and the the job you were interviewed for may not still be around. That’s pretty much what happened to my gentleman friend — he interviewed to work in [specific bit of government redacted], their department was in flux, got reorganized a bit, and he was eventually hired for a somewhat different job months later. They also didn’t really tell him much in the ensuing months (and he assumed he was just out of the running) — for christ’s sake people, KEEP CANDIDATES INFORMED. Ugh, job hunting is dreadful.
On the upside, you haven’t been disqualified! Yay!
Yep, I interviewed in September, and it went really well – which makes the whole thing even more upsetting and confusing. When it was my turn to ask questions during the interview I asked, “When you think back on the people who have held this position here in the past, what distinguished the good employees from the truly great employees?” and the hiring manager answered with 2 qualities which I had discussed having and explicitly said “And I can tell from talking to you that you have those qualities!” so I left feeling very confident indeed. And now this nonsense.
Is the nonsense coming from the same people that interviewed you? It sounds like there’s some broken telephone going on here, and if there’s a whole bunch of people partially involved, that’s probably a lot of the problem.
Also, that’s a fantastic question to ask the interviewer, and I’m stashing it in the brain vault for job hunting an a year or so.
I had initially emailed my interviewer (who would be my manager if I got hired) to ask about an update. She replied saying the hiring process is still in progress, thank you for your interest, HR will contact you in a week or two. The hedgy emails in my initial comment were from an HR person.
I got a lot of good interview questions from this post and the comments: http://offbeathome.com/2012/04/interview-tips
This sounds like pretty standard HR drone saying as little as humanly possible, because they don’t know anything and wouldn’t disclose any useful information if they did. The good news I guess is I’ve been hired before at plenty of jobs where I got responses exactly that vague and bullshit, albeit sometimes months later having completely forgotten I’d even interviewed with those people. Have you been talking to anyone else in the office? If you’ve been talking to the actual manager of the position post-interview and it wouldn’t look like some nutzoid trying to stalk people/do an end run around their hiring system then you’ll probably have way better luck contacting them than the equivalent of the counter clerk at Wendys.
I don’t think I’ve ever once spoken to an HR person who had even the vaguest idea of what my job entailed, or who didn’t view it as their duty to avoid substantively answering any and all questions about the company like a POW protecting state secrets.
I had initially contacted the hiring manager (who had interviewed me) and she was all oh, thanks for your interest, HR will contact you in a few weeks. I’m not comfortable reaching out to her again due to unhelpfulness on HR’s part when she deflected to HR in the first place 🙁
Any Bay Area Toastfolk going to Mallory’s reading at Pegasus Books in Berkeley tomorrow night? I’m thinking of getting there kind of early to assure a seat, if anyone wants to meet up and stand in line together.
i’m going! say hi if you see me! i’ve got a pixie cut that’s gettin’ kind of shaggy, and i’ll almost definitely be wearing shades of grey/black.
Cool! I have big glasses, and also a pixie cut but I’ll probably be wearing a red knit hat because I need a haircut. See you there, maybe!
I’ll be the reddish bearded mid-30s punk dude there, keeping my mouth shut.
Neat, my husband is also coming and keeping his mouth shut!
I’ll be there too. Medium brown hair and brown/tan cat-eye glasses…yeah, I’m not so distinctive and have no idea what I’m gonna wear. I’ll look out for your red cap, though!
Let’s just bring slices of toast and pin them to our hats.
Hey guys!!! Just wanted to say, to everyone who gave me tips and tricks on visiting Paris, thanks so, so much, Paris was fuuuckinggg amazing! The fact that I don’t say “bonjour!” or something like it when I enter a store now makes me sad, and the fact that my lunch today is not, in fact, wine and a baguette, also makes me really, really sad – but the fact that I got to go to Paris I MEAN FUCKING PARIS, GUYS, COME ON makes me super happy and I cannot wait to go back!
(oh god please tell me I go back one day, omg please please please)
Thanks again, guys, hope y’all have a fantastic weekend!
I’m so glad you had a good time! I went in May and it was lovely and I also can’t wait to go back.
Glad to hear you had a good time! I really missed getting delicious pastries every day for breakfast after leaving Paris.
Oh god the pastries. The pastries
Thanks! God I bet its beautiful in May.
So glad you enjoyed it! What were some of your favorite sights/experiences/foods/etc from your trip?
Ok so! I just wrote you a lengthy response- twice!- only to have my browser shut down both times! So here is the condensed version, and I might try and post about it again next week.
1.) I had to speak French WAY more than I expected! I…do not speak French. The frustration was 100% worth the depth it added to an already amazing experience.
2.) Tourist with limited time (say a week, like me)? Good lord, get a museum pass. Saves so much money and time. So glad we did that.
3.) If you are in, or are going to be in Paris: Musée d’Orsay (IS AMAZING) – go fucking see “Sade. Attacking the Sun” http://artsbeat.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/10/14/marq…
4.) “La Coincidence” in the 16th arr. SO friendly, NOT super pricey, WONDERFUL FOOD (please check the tartar menu, holy actual shit). LOVE.
That is the very, very short list. Thank you for asking, I LOVE talking about it! 🙂
Toast parents: how are you? How was your week? How are your kids?
Clara had her 4-month-old check up this week and I really like our pediatrician. She’s low-key, very positive and I’m so grateful to have a ped that I like. Hope you’re all well!
Yay parents thread!
We are good, things are starting to calm down at our daughter’s school. They fired her amazing teacher for stupid awful political reasons (the principal didn’t like him and wanted to hire someone she did like, as best as we can tell from combining sources and prying into things), but our daughter is hanging in there and waiting to see what happens. Our son has turned 2 and suddenly discovered verbs which is making parenting him MUCH easier since now he can not just name objects but he can tell us what he wants to do with them! Sometimes this is very funny, like when he says ‘Spoon! Spoon! THROW spoon!’
Yay for good pediatricians and also for verbs! Our pediatrician is frustrating (“how do we feed him formula?”–*Shrug*”Just feed him.” “can you recommend a nutritional guide?” –“No.”), but on the other hand she NEVER condescends, no matter how silly my Ebola and enterovirus D68 questions are, and she always gets back to me very fast.
Little Siniichulok, who is sixteen months old, just figured out that he can (try to) exert his will over people in his environment, so he spends all his time grabbing adults by the pants and trying to drag them to different parts of the room. He’s also learned how to walk on tiptoe hunched over, walk backwards, and smell his stuffed animals in an exaggerated way and crack himself up. He drank water from a cup (that I held) today without incident. (This is pretty momentous since he was all, “Bottles or GTFO” up until now, and rejected all sippy cups.) He plays with the metal spring doorstop behind our bedroom door for hours, and drags me over by the pants to play with it too. (If I don’t whack it often enough, he’ll pull on my leg and start fussing.) He rarely uses one of his three or so words, but he started matching pitch this week when I sing to him. He also got six (? He won’t really let us look in his mouth, so I don’t try unless it’s an emergency) new teeth this week, G-d help us. He also learned from the cats how to blink and squint to show affection, so he stares at people on the subway and squinches up his face and blinks at them in the hopes that they’ll all be his new best friends.
Ooo I’ve got a parenting conundrum. My 5 year old son is generally well behaved, follows rules, etc. My 7 year old daughter, while not terribly not well behaved, is more likely to try to get away with shit. Nothing major. Just little things like sneaking the tablet when she isn’t supposed to, or getting into cookies. Now my 5 year old will tell me when she does something wrong most of the time. I’m conflicted, because part of me doesn’t want my daughter to be doing all this “bad” stuff. Another (bigger?) part of me is all, “Dude, stop ratting out your sister.”
Thoughts?
Wow, this is awkward even just commenting anonymously, but I would really appreciate some advice. Any Toastrons with herpes? How do you approach telling a romantic interest?
I do! And I just found out over the summer and went through a few weeks of absolute HELL with regard to how to tell the people I was dating. I didn’t have an outbreak or anything, but tested positive for antibodies. I did so much research and freaked myself out so badly. So if I can help you not freak out, I will!
Do you have herpes 1 or 2? (1 is “oral,” 2 is “genital” but they can swap locations). HSV-1 is the one that approximately 80-90% of Americans will have by the time they reach 40; HSV-2 is the one that everyone demonizes. EITHER WAY — and I know maybe this won’t be super comforting if you’re experiencing the kind of freak out I experienced — it’s really not a huge deal? (I had a friend who tried to tell me that so many times, but ended up just having to like hug me and reassure me that I would be okay, because it felt like a big deal to me at time.) If it’s HSV-2, you’ll have to be on Valtrex, especially if you feel an outbreak coming on.
Okay, so when I told my partners (I was dating a guy and a girl at the time) it went over in to very different ways. Dude was like “I’ll have to think about it and do some research.” We’d already been sleeping together at the time and had — pretty stupidly — had unprotected sex a few times. He pretended to be fine for a while, but later on he ended up making me feel fucking awful for having herpes, even though I had disclosed that information to him as soon as I found out. (I didn’t tell him when my first outbreak was, which, after a couple of more weeks of obsessive researching, I learned may or may not have been September 2013, it’s unclear. It could have also been plain ol’ tonsillitis, which is what my MD diagnosed, but sometimes in adults a primary oral herpes outbreak can present as tonsillitis.) I don’t know why he possibly could have needed that information. [The answer is: he’s a controlling jerkface who has the tendency to lord his approval or disapproval over women.]
I told the girl I was dating before our second date. I just said, “Before we continue kissing and stuff [because we’d kissed on our first date, before I found out], I just found out that I have oral herpes. I wanted to let you know that, just in case that changes anything for you.” And she said, “Well, thanks, but I still want to keep kissing you” and that was that, and she never threw it in my face. Which is the appropriate way to react. (She also told me her first boyfriend had oral herpes, too, and she never contracted it from him over the entire course of their relationship, and they were together for five years.)
Anyway, my advice is just to be upfront about it! It will definitely be awkward and uncomfortable, but I like to think that most people will be reasonable about it. Also maybe learn what you can about it (“approximately 80% of people have oral herpes, a lot of people get it as kids” was a really helpful, comforting factoid, as well as the fact that for both types, outbreaks get fewer and far between over time.)
If it’s HSV-2 it’s maybe slightly more awkward, and you have to be more careful (take the Valtrex, use protection; for both, don’t kiss/have the Secks if you’re having an outbreak). Do your best to take precautions, but be upfront about it and remember you don’t have anything to be ashamed of. Don’t let anyone make you feel shitty about it. Lots of people have herpes, it’s not the death sentence to your sex life that like sex ed makes it seem to be.
Also it’s a pretty good litmus test for giving douchecanoe dudes the boot.
I couldn’t edit because I rambled on for too long but I wanted to fix my stats: According to this website, “About 65% of the U.S. population has detectable antibodies to HSV-1 by age 40.” This one says, “Statistical studies suggest that about 80%-90% of people in the U.S. have been exposed to HSV-1 and about 30% exposed to HSV-2.”
Thank you! I have HSV-2, the scary one. I’ve never had a noticeable outbreak, but found out from a blood test. And I’ve done a lot of research on it, but the information out there seems surprisingly inconclusive/variable. I want to make it seem like not such a big deal, but also be honest.
In that case, this site will probably be helpful, if you haven’t seen it before. I mean, it might not make telling romantic interests any easier, but it’s a good resource and it lays things out in way that is pretty accessible, I think. The worst thing about HSV-2, especially if you’re not actually suffering from outbreaks, is the stigma surrounding it as the “bad” herpes, but 1 & 2 are “virtually identical” according to that site.
Probably the most reassuring quote on that page:
“People think of oral herpes as the “good” herpes and genital herpes as the “bad” kind,” says Glover of the National Herpes Hotline. “It’s partly that they don’t understand the similarities between HSV-1 and 2. But it’s also that good and bad is how our culture views sex and our bodies.”
The inescapable fact is that HSV-1 is usually spread through contact with infected lips, while HSV-2 usually spread through contact with infected genitals. From a social point of view, the problem is not the disease; it’s how you got it.
Which is kinda what I meant when I said that herpes’ll maybe make it a little easier to sort out the jerks from the people you actually want to be getting naked and smooshy with 🙂
oh wow that is awful of that dude.
I have oral herpes, never tested so I don’t know if it’s HSV I or II. I use the phrase “I get cold sores sometimes.” Maybe it’s disingenous (I don’t think so) but it also sounds a lot less scary. And then if the person is confused I can just explain that it’s oral herpes.
In my extensive dating/slutting past, nobody ever really disclosed that to me, or not totally directly and not right away, and I never really expected people to. I do, because I think it’s right, but it’s never been a big deal. SO MANY people have been exposed to it, and it’s really just a minor skin condition. My boyfriend gets OCULAR herpes though, and that is terrifying.
I was very reassured when I was having my most elaborate pre-casual sex discussion with a very lovely, slightly socially awkward public health doc who identified as poly. I told him about my cold sores, and also my concern that I may have been exposed to HPV, and he was like “do you know the ubiquity of exposure to both those diseases? I’m not really concerned about them. Obviously we’ll practice safe sex, and that’s the best we can do. Don’t worry about it.” And that was nice. (He ended up having the MOST MASSIVE D I’ve ever seen, too. What a gem. Not for me, but a gem all the same.)
Whelp, Toastrons, this week (this morning, actually), it was officially confirmed that my employer will not be extending my contract past December. Not totally unexpected, but still a fairly major bummer. So, come January, I’ll be a free agent. Anyone know of any openings for a graphic/web/UX/UI designer in the Boston area? Job searching is anathema to my soul, and encouragement is appreciated.
On the bright side, I get to see The Gentleman Caller tonight, and we’re going to see Interstellar tomorrow morning. And I’ve got some lovely knitting projects planned on the horizon.
ALSO ALSO: Suggestions for Thanksgiving appropriate vegetarian entrees, please.
Ugh, that sucks! I hope you find something amazing very soon! Job searching is wretched, but you are not!
My family always used to make squash souffle (not a souffle, don’t know why it’s called that) at the holidays. This recipe is pretty close: http://southernfood.about.com/od/summersquash/r/b…
This Smitten Kitchen gratin is also delicious and very rich: http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2009/11/swiss-char…
When I was a vegetarian, I took the Noodle Kugel from the Moosewood Cookbook to all holiday events and people went nuts over it. If I could still have wheat and dairy, I’d be all up in that RIGHT NOW.
Pumpkin Tian
Job hunting is the worst and sage butternut squash pasta is the best
Come work with me! http://hire.jobvite.com/CompanyJobs/Careers.aspx?…
Awww, this looks lovely. I think I’m a little under qualified in terms of years of experience, though :/
Don’t let that stop you from applying if the rest of it fits!
Seriously though! Dont let that stop you from applying.
http://www.theatlantic.com/features/archive/2014/…
I’ve never made this, but every time I’ve read it it sounds really, really good and looks fantastic:
Cheesy Baked Pumpkin with Gruyère Fondue
I really love this topsy-turvy squash [self-link], which turns the usual stuffed squash (of which I am not a big fan, NOT SORRY) on its head and makes it all crispy and delicious.
But this year, The Fella requested mushroom shepherd’s pie, which is mushrooms, carrots, and turnips chunked and sauteed with sage and rosemary, mixed with caramelized onions, peas, and mushroom-sherry gravy, topped with cheesy scallion potatoes, and baked, so that’s what we’re having.
Browned butter risotto (made with farro and lentils, so it’s filling but not heavy): http://news.sunday-suppers.com/vegetarian-feast-r…
Sweet potato and sage gnocchi: http://www.thelittlesthings.com/blog/2013/9/25/sw…
The Times ran a bunch of recipes a few years ago, and the garden vegetable gratin was great: http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2010/11/08/hea…
Baked farro pasta: http://www.101cookbooks.com/archives/baked-farro-…
Happy cooking!
Ahh, happy birthday, Bartender! I am finally over my extended cold that was probably actually the flu, I have a free weekend to catch up on homework (I’m doing really well in my class! yay!) and next week is VERY SHORT and ends with me getting fed delicious holiday foods. Everything’s coming up ME.
I assume everyone saw the Golden Retriever bombing the agility test, but just in case you didn’t I’m going to post it again, because it’s hilarious. That dog speaks for me.
Oh also! Housing Works. Their book selection is entertaining and their events are cool, plus there’s a bonus secondhand clothing store attached!
I need help with color palettes! I bought a stamped dresser runner cross stitch project thing at Joanne’s yesterday, because it was on sale and I’ve been meaning to learn cross stitch. I can’t find an exact picture, but it’s pretty basic cross-stitched flowers on white fabric. My problem: I don’t know what colors to use! I could go with the normal flower colors, but that might be too stuffy and old-fashioned for my aesthetic. So far, I’ve got: all black, all navy blue, navy & hot pink, and a recent suggestion of burnt orange & aqua. Ideas?
Hmm. What room are you putting it in, and what other colors do you have in this room? (Like: if it’s a bedroom, what does your bedspread/comforter/quilt look like?)
Bedroom, probably, and the colors don’t exist because I’m moving / buying entirely new furniture in a few weeks! But my typical aesthetic is light and cottagy, lots of white woods and florals.
(eta: but this:
http://www.ikea.com/us/en/catalog/products/302829…
is my current duvet, which actually describes my aesthetic pretty well, and is also the reason that regular pastel flower colors might come off as WHOA too much)
If you want to be all matchy, maybe an orange that matches the outlines in that pattern, and/or a pink that is like a brighter vesion of the pink in that pattern? But that might be too matchy, I don’t know.
That is such a pretty duvet, wow.
I would do jewel tones, like reds or purples or oranges, since those are garden colours too, but I warn you I have no colour sense at all. 🙂
You could do all one blue for a French cottagey look, or all black for a slightly edgier version of the same.
Burnt orange and aqua sounds amazing, but a traditional flower pattern done in black and grays would look pretty amazing too, IMO.
I had so much fun picking out floss for a floral dresser scarf. It was for my sister, who requested blue. I chose 9 kinds of blue. Even the vines were a blue-green. Turned out very pretty, more sophisticated looking than anticipated.
I am going on a long airplane flight next week! What should I read??
I’m looking forward to rereading the first two books of the His Fair Assassin trilogy before my library gets me the third book! Teenage Nun Assassins in medieval Brittany.
Every single Open Thread I end up putting about 20 books on hold at the public library.
(Teenage Nun Assassins: new Toastie riotgrrl band name, y/y?)
I totally got this rec from Pop Culture Happy Hour, so it just feels right to pass it on to Toasties.
MFY
Also it’s been a while since I read them, but there are definitely incest-y non/dub con vibes in the second book, and probably other things that could be warned for, so if warnings help when you’re reading, definitely seek some out. (I wish I remembered better)
Yeah, the second book in particular includes incest, assault, and some serious violence. I loved both books, and loved this heroine, but it has really dark places.
It’s always an “oh right I should mention this” when I excitedly recommend the books.
Yeah, same here!
“Her smoke rose up forever” a shitton of sci-fi short stories, which changed my life during a long plane journey a few years back 🙂
Do you like YA? Read We Were Liars by E. Lockhart. I took it on vacation with me this summer and refused to talk to my boyfriend for the entire like three hours it took me to finish.
Shameless plug for anything written by my two besties, Tessa Gratton and her partner, Natalie Parker.
Have you read Station Eleven? I’m usually not into post-apocalypse stories, but the characters and their relationships felt so real and complex that I couldn’t put it down. I burned through it in a single (long) sitting. Also, the concept of “survival is insufficient” resonated really deeply with me; having that phrase bouncing around my head has helped me feel a little less risk-averse and a little more adventurous.
I’ve been eye-ing that in my bookstore!
I just bought this for an upcoming flight! Very excited.
The Gathering by Anne Enright
Serena by Ron Rash. Woman marries and moves to South Carolina with a lumber baron pre-Depression where an 18 year old has just given birth to his bastard son. Things get complicated. The Greek chorus is a bunch of world weary lumberjacks.
Any unread Kurt Vonnegut novel always treats me well.
My last lengthy plane flight I brought with me Mallory’s book, the one about Jonestown that was recommended in the “scary things to read at Halloween” post a few months ago, and the newest Ever After High short story book. I only read the first two, but they were very good!
“The Girls at the Kingfisher Club” by Genevieve Valentine. Of course, this recommendation only works if you like cool retellings of fairy tales, particularly ones that involve flappers and bootleggers!
Unlike the last two years, I’m not visiting my second/pretend family for Thanksgiving (due to a variety of reasons, incl. my real family, money, was there ~recently). I’m PRETTY GLUM about it, because they’re DELIGHTFUL, and sometimes it’s nice to be with an extended family that actively likes each other a lot besides loving each other. Also I love my second family very much.
That said, I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving day, because my parents and I are going to make extravagant pasta and drink fancy wine like it’s our job. Over the weekend, we’re going to visit my actual relatives, which I am trying VERY hard to be positive about, but hopefully it will be ok because there will be AT LEAST two babies less than six months old. Either ok or very terrible. Also maybe a newborn. Anything’s possible.
I have a whole bunch of questions about bras and I feel like this is the crowd that would know. So I’m in my mid-20s and have never in my life owned a “real” bra. I’m very nearly flat-chested and when I need coverage I just wear a sports bra. But now I’m working on building a professional wardrobe and investing in better-quality clothes. I’m also at a point where another person sees me naked on a regular basis and I want something a little more, um, elegant under my clothes. But I have NO IDEA where to start.
1) I think I’m an AA but I’m not sure. Is it necessary to get professionally fitted? Where do I go for that?
2) Where do they sell small sizes? Would you ever order a bra online without trying it on first?
3) Underwires and junk like that sound terrifying to me and I don’t think I need it. I’m also not looking for anything with much padding, just enough to keep things smooth under my clothes. What style of bra should I be looking for?
4) How much is reasonable to pay? I was looking online and seeing a lot of stuff that was upwards of $50, which honestly is more than I usually pay for a pair of nice shoes. Can I expect to find something nice for less than that?
5) How many do you own? How often do I need to wash them?
At the risk of incurring the wrath of Mallory (or, more likely and more terrifying, scorn and derision), OH GIRL I’M EXCITED FOR YOU. You should watch this video to learn how to fit yourself: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Jk55ep4XUQ
As for buying bras, sure! Order them online! Make sure their return policy is good! As for style, look at pictures of bras! Well, look at pictures of people in bras, think about what looks nice and what you want, and then buy something similar. You can spend a lot of money on bras, or you can go to Target and buy stuff with goofy patterns that maybe correspond to their supposed size but maybe don’t, or you can take the middle road.
I would recommend getting professionally fitted, but to be honest, I think that most professional fitters cater to larger breasted women and us IBTC members tend to get short changed. The fitter I went to said “oh, they’re SO SMALL, just wear this…” like it doesn’t matter, but it does! There are a number of online calculators to help determine your size. They might not turn out exactly correct, but it’s a good leaping off point.
This is a good one, and it will give you your ACTUAL size, not just round you up to the first commonly available size :http://www.lindasonline.com/bra-fitting-calculator.html
I shop online and Marks and Spencers for my bras, because I’m a 30b-30c, and they don’t really sell those sizes (affordably) in the US. I find bras there for maybe $25 for a two pack – not bad! If they don’t work, returns are pretty easy, but I’ve been lucky so far. I recommend underwires because, for me, they help keep the bra from sliding up and squashing my bippies.
Good luck!!!
1. Honestly, I don’t think so — there’s a ton you can read online about how to make sure you are properly fitted. I think most people accept the method of underbust size = band size, and then try a few things in that range to find what works. Thin and Curvy has a good guide.
2. I’m much larger than that, but I buy bras often on HerRoom. They let you search by size, and they have a super wide range of sizes. I’ve also heard good things about the Little Bra Company. And yeah, I have bought bras online — just look for a place with a good return policy! (I just looked up the policy for HerRoom and apparently people have had trouble with it — I have never tried to return anything, since I found my size in one brand and only buy that brand.)
3. No idea, because I would not do well without underwire. Sorry!
4. Most of my “good” bras have been $40-60 (though I’ve found a couple really nice ones on sale). Two of the bras I still wear really regularly cost that much, and I’ve been wearing them for years, and only one of them needs replacing soon!
5. Hahaha don’t ask me how often I wash my bras, I don’t wanna talk about it.
Honestly, you might want to search for “bralettes” which are basically pretty bras without wires or padding. I wear these lacy ones from Target that are really cheap but pretty and make your boobs look nice without hoisting them up to high heavens.
My chest situation is pretty different from yours, but one of my smaller-boobed friends swears by Aerie bras. They’re… marketed to teenagers but you can also shop online, if you don’t want to deal with that at the mall.
omg bras I will talk about bras forever
As others have said, you should take a shot at measuring yourself! This is a good tool that was accurate for me and includes some explanation about what the fuck is even up with bra sizes: http://www.brasizecalculator.tk/
You may find that your size isn’t quite what you expect, which is pretty typical. Cup sizes are proportional to band sizes, so AA by itself is fairly meaningless — for example, a 32C is roughly the same overall boob volume as a 30D or a 34B or a 36A, if that makes sense. This is something that gets lost in the standard way of talking about bra size, at least in the US.
Bras are super expensive and it’s bullshit. Ebay can surprisingly be really great for finding cheap overstock bras from places like Nordstrom that are more in the $15-30 range, but you have to know EXACTLY what you want since you usually can’t return. Nordstrom itself does offer free shipping and free return shipping, so if you find that they carry stuff in your size (and their size range is better than pretty much any big store in the US), you can always order and return things and experiment with different stuff.
Wash your shit by hand. I usually just clean out my sink and fill it with water and some gentle detergent and just let them hang out in there for a while. The water usually turns all gray and gross and then I feel like a garbage monster for never washing my bras (this does not actually inspire me to wash my bras any more frequently).
I have a tip for bra costs for *after* you’ve found your size and decided on a style/styles that work best for you:
I’m an A cup, I buy all my bras at Marshall’s and TJ Maxx and they cost joke amounts of dollars because at this size, you don’t need to worry about quality and support. (I mean, obviously don’t get an uncomfortable, poorly-made bra, but by quality I mean, you don’t need something that can hold up a lot of boobweight and be kind to your back – and I think that costlier bras are costly because they can do these things). You can spend as much as you want on a bra, but also I’ve spent like $8-$15 on a few and they’re perfectly fine, and they look super cute.
I am by no means a bra expert, but as a similarly small chested lady I can promise you that you do not need underwires and you should feel free to avoid them.
Zappos: the best return policy, reasonable selection of bras.
Title Nine: Sane return policy, expensive and very good selection of bras.
American Apparel: What I wore before I gained weight and breast size, just fine in terms of quality.
But for serious, go to Target or whereever, buy all the super cute twelve dollar bras they have in your size so that everyone with a larger cup/band can live viacarious through you.
Washing them: when they smell.
My reading comprehension is in the terlet right now, so apologies if someone has already mentioned this, but as someone who is an unorthodox size (narrow rib cage, large tracts of land) and has to buy specialty bras as a result, I like to go and get fitted at one of the specialty stores where they really fit you properly (Secrets From Your Sister is nice, if you’re in Toronto–I can’t vouch for the other size end of the spectrum, but I know they carry Princess Tam Tam and other companies that have the size you may be looking for, and they don’t even radiate impatience if you’re in the booth for an hour trying to decide between two bras, as one does). Then I buy one or two bras so the saleslady gets her commission, and take note of all the sizes/colors/companies that I liked. Then I go on Ebay and buy them for $25-$40 instead of $100+.
Agree with others, bralette, also triangle bra or soft cup bra. You don’t need anything padded/foam/molded. You don’t need underwires. Personally I like to try things on in person til I know what companies I like, then order online because I hate shopping, but by all means order online and promptly return what you didn’t like. You’ll find plenty of lovely things for way less than $50. Always hand-wash!
Oh, this is wonderful being here in real-time! I always miss open threads (also sometimes I just miss out because I’m plagued by the feeling my life isn’t interesting enough to type. But here I am!)
I’ve been living in a small town in Ontario since September, which couldn’t be more different than my homecity of Vancouver. But we are prioritizing my partner’s career right now and also my mental health forced me here into comfort and low expectations. It has meant that I am in full housewife mode, which is wonderful and necessary and boring and hard for me to wrap my feminism around. Can anyone voice any thoughts on how to reconcile the whole ‘having it all’ thing with actually mostly not having very much at all, but feeling secretly relieved/content about that?
In other news, because I’m not employed and my partner is already so hugely generous with our daily expenses, HOW DO I DO CHRISTMAS PRESENTS? Especially for him??? I am so uncomfortable already accepting his money to stay alive. It is something we are working on together and he never ever does weird insidious things to make me feel guilty about my lack of contribution right now. But like, seriously, any tips?? I know I know DIY but asides from that? (I am less than crafty)
Much love to all. And the happiest birthday to the Bartender <3
Oh I hear you so much on your first point. When I was in a similar situation I reminded myself that house work is work and that I was contributing to our situation in meaningful ways. It helped to talk a lot to my partner about how I felt and the larger structural issues at play. I never felt very comfortable though. Love from the west coast 🙂
I feel you on the larger structural issues at play point. We’re dealing with the military and it just doesn’t leave a whole lot of room for both of us pursuing our dreams simultaneously. I think at the end of the day I just need to work my hardest to either feel more comfortable with this situation, or have the discomfort fuel some change.
Thank you for commiserating. It helps, a lot.
On presents, can you agree to each spend $X (a relatively small number) on gifts for each other? That seems like it would help.
Do you have craft circles, library book clubs, and church socials? Those are the Best Parts of rural Ontario living.
You can go from non-crafty to super-crafty really quickly, you know — especially if you want to make a batch of his favourite jam / pie filling / alcohol / bitters / etc. Now is a good time to start, even if it’s just a practice round to learn how to do stuff.
If you are tech-savvy but not crafty, you could design something really cool like a custom bedspread or something. If you go hunting for public-domain stuff (psssssst Rijksmuseum) you only have to pay for the custom-printing costs. Or make a Blurb / Lulu book of photos?
Thank you for your ideas! You’ve made me realize that maybe I can put some long ignored scrapbooking skills to use! Also, the man does love some jam – I need to be more ambitious, don’t I? 🙂
OVEN JAM.
We made strawberry oven jam. It is a refrigerator jam so it does not last forever, but it lasted 2 weeks and it was delicious. You could enroll him in a homemade oven-jam-of-the-month club? 🙂
If you’re happy, then you’re happy! Be happy for yourself, and don’t feel like you’re doing feminism wrong just because you’re at home. Housework is work, plus now you have time to do awesome things like comment on the Toast open thread 🙂
Perhaps you two could do an experience together as a gift, rather than buying each other objects? You could talk about it and agree on something you’d both like to do or somewhere you’d like to go. That way, you can plan it out and see who will spend what and it won’t feel like such a high-pressure situation.
Thank you for your sweet words. I am happy, just uncomfortable! It’s a funny spot to be.
Planning an experience gift out together is a very good tip. I love to surprise, but maybe that’s not so much in the cards this year, save a few little things.
Ugh I am in that situation at the moment with having barely any money while my partner is making a decent amount. Maybe try to think of something that the two of you could do together rather than giving each other stuff? (Or also give each other small things?) Even if it’s something where he ends up footing more of the cost for it than you do (like going to a nice restaurant or a show), it’s a shared experience for you guys as a couple, not physical stuff you’re exchanging.
I’m liking all this doing not buying advice! Thank you! Good luck to you on your holidaying on a budget as well 🙂
So you are happy but feeling guilty for being happy because you’re being a Bad Feminist to enjoy being a housewife? I am just not sure that I am understanding you right.
I am very much the strain of feminist that thinks that we need to elevate all the necessary drudgery of everyday life to the same level of importance as… well, okay, I don’t know as what because all the things I think are /actually/ equally important are also not considered important. As being a rock star? I mean, you are *making a home* and it is hard work and if you are enjoying it, more power to you.
For presents, I understand about the not-crafty but do you cook? Bake? Are there any tasks your husband would normally do for himself that you could do once as a gift? (I am thinking things like… my partner has boots that need to be resoled and he would normally handle that himself but it’s a pain for him because of his job and commute, so maybe I could take them in and get it done for him as a gift.)
I really feel & understand the problem of living on someone else’s income and yet buying them presents, but we have been doing it for a long time now and, well, he enjoys the presents just as much. 🙂
I think you’re understanding me right. I know there is no shame in whatever lifestyle is working as long as I can find pride and a sense of self within it, I just feel a little lacking in those areas right now. I’m coming from an academic world where there is a very specific path that is deemed valuable and it is proving hard to shake those expectations. Even though it wasn’t a good fit for me at the time.
Oh, I do like the idea of doing those extra things he doesn’t get around to. There’s a light fixture in the basement that he keeps meaning to fix. Who’s to say I can’t figure that out for him?
Thank you for your perspective, it means a lot, especially from someone who is a little further down this particular road than I am! I hope you and your partner enjoy the holidays 🙂
I’ve only just seen your post, and want to commiserate, and commiserate HARD. I am also living off my partner’s money, playing housewife because of REASONS, and while I’m OK with it now, it took me a long time, and I think I’m only feeling OK because it will (hopefully) change soon, i.e. I will manage to get a job in the new country.
Anyway, I TOTALLY understand the “I’m not bringing anything to the relationship” and “I’m just a drain on society” and “Why am I so crap” and “Why is this making me sad, we’re really lucky to be in this position and I’m an ungrateful useless person I should just be happy” etc. I also have an academic background, and without those external measures, I came somewhat unglued. Still do, but less so now. Anyway, far too long a comment. If you want to bitch/commiserate/rant more, you can email me at TheCaptainNancy at the mail of google.
OMG, so late to your comment but I identify with you SO HARD (swap out academic for fine art, that’s the only difference). Good luck with your new job & new country!
Thanks, and if you want to talk about this further, send me an email! Hope everything goes well for you too.
I am glad I was understanding you right! I am sorry if my rephrase-for-understanding came off a little snarky, I was not feeling that way *at all* I just didn’t want to be mistakenly sympathetic. It is a very tough situation, especially coming from academia, and despite demanding Womanly Perfection from wives society does not actually give out many cookies for it nowadays.
Maybe we should have a weekly home-making open thread? I was talking to someone else earlier in the week about reclaiming the world homemaker…
And yes, the light fixture thing! You do a task he’s been too busy/stressed/whatever to deal with, and you also learn how to do something cool (wires! electricity!) and out of your ordinary routine.
I am really glad my/our perspective is interesting. 🙂 It is one of those odd places to be, I think. We are having a little bit of our own thing about it after encountering the term opt-out mom yesterday… we do not actually qualify because we have a BA not an MA or higher, but still, we are choosing to be at home not working not having a career living off the income of our partner (and housemate, the housemate is critical), and while we are always aware that it is a highly privileged position, there is nothing like reading a screed about whether or not this makes you a Bad Person to cause anxiety and hives. So it is nice getting to talk about it here!
“Hard to wrap my feminism around,” I am so there with you. I am temping while I job-hunt, and my fiance has a good job with long hours, so it just makes sense that I do more of the housework, but oof. A teacup has been sitting in the living room for three days, because I don’t mind picking up the house, but I won’t pick up AFTER him, kwim? It’s hard to reconcile. So I have solidarity, but no gift ideas! Make him a favorite meal, maybe?
Oh my, this is my exact situation (feminist and housewife, or “housewife”), and has been for the past four-and-change years. It’s weird, isn’t it? I miss contributing (and I used to be a high-earning, and the higher-earning, breadwinner), and I miss dressing up for work and talking with grownups, but right now the sun is shining so gloriously off the snow and we can see the U.S. from our house (LOL) over Lake Ontario and Little Siniichulok is asleep and I’m wearing my favorite red gingham shirt and smaller, better-fitting pants than I’ve had in years, and drinking cardamom tea, and just at this moment my life looks and feels like those staged lifestyle bloggers’ photos, and it’s 3:19 PM AND I GET TO SEE THE SUN. I wanted this for years. I’m not even the best housewife–sometimes I’m so tired after a day of wrangling Little Siniichulok that M. Siniichulok makes dinner while I slump on the couch and stare glumly at Coronation Street. But it definitely has its advantages. Why not try to enjoy that part of life without guilt, whether it’s guilt over the enjoyment or guilt over money issues? (Or that’s what I ask myself. I’m working on it.)
As for present issues, I feel ya. The first time I bought M. Siniichulok a birthday present out of our joint account I felt like a terrible, parasitic a**hole. But after a few years of that, it got easier, and he certainly never minded. Then I realized–after a few years, but better late than never–that one reason that he insisted on my having my own credit card connected to our joint account was so that I could have the privacy of making purchases that he could not scrutinize individually, so I now buy presents with that card. I would echo the recommendations of others to agree on a dollar amount if that would make you more comfortable, and/or just grit your teeth and power through a bunch of times by buying him presents from your mutual money until it becomes unremarkable to you.
This may not be very helpful, but I would just say that you are RAISING A FUCKING CHILD and that is WORK and IMPORTANT WORK. Stay at home parents are amazing, and I tip my hat to you, good Madame.
I also just moved to Ontario from Vancouver to follow my partner! I’m looking for full-time work but it’s been a few months already and I’ve only been able to find little part-time things not in my field, and I miss Vancouver and having friends and a non-snowy winter. I don’t have much advice but I just wanted to commiserate. I will say that volunteering has been a really nice, empowering, thing to do with all my free time.
Same situation (Vancouver to BC Interior, working part-time) and volunteering saved my mental bacon, too. That, and joining the local kennel club; those serious dog ladies were freaking SERIOUS, but fun!
I think doing what is wonderful and necessary for you is a pretty radical feminist thing to do, when it comes down to it. Take care of yourself now- you’re in a partnership, you’ll take care of him later.
Also, I don’t know if you have a joint account or not, but speaking as the breadwinner in my partnership, I can say that when mr.imogen gets me presents the thought of who is ‘paying’ for it never crosses my mind- the pleasure I get is all in the fact that he chose those things for me.
Nice things! So, I finally got that ear surgery that I mentioned here (a loooong time ago), and my mother-in-law (who is wonderful) flew out and took really good care of me while I recovered. She and my husband were both very long-suffering about how much Gilmore Girls I watched while spaced out on Vicodin.
Plus, the surgery went well, though apparently the thing in my ear (a benign tumor called a cholesteatoma): 1. was huge, 2. had been there for 20+ years, 3. ate 2.5 of my ear bones, 4. was resting against my brain casing. So, I’m REALLY glad it’s out, and that it never gave me meningitis or anything. Plus, the scar is behind my ear/pretty much invisible. I plan to scare people with it by telling them I was abducted by aliens.
1. was huge, 2. had been there for 20+ years, 3. ate 2.5 of my ear bones, 4. was resting against my brain casing.
You have perfectly captured my own emotions as well.
JEEPERS.
I’m so glad you’re okay, and also that you had such a perfect recovery plan: watching GG on Vicodin.
I am glad to hear all is well. Your tumor sounds … impressive. And scary. And I admit to being jealous of your scar and of your wit. Abducted by aliens. I love that!
I had the last hurrah of my birthday week-and-a-bit on Monday (I took all last week and this Monday off) and went on the Harry Potter studio tour. This picture of me on a broom has been making me laugh out loud all week.
Really enjoyed it although it was extremely weird going into the Great Hall set as it’s a copy of the dining hall where I went to university and they filmed the locationy bits there, so seeing a film set of the place I ate dinner every day for three years was superstrange.
I cannot tell a lie, I am extremely jealous.
You look like you had a blast, though. 🙂
I went to the exhibition that was in Times Square last year and I took a picture in front of the Hogwarts Express with a good friend – it was so much fun, and I don’t particularly care for Harry Potter that much!
I love your picture, though. You look SO INTO IT. 😀
The friend I went with was just out of shot going SMILE LAUGH LOOK SERIOUS!!!!!! We also got a pic of the two of us in the flying Ford Anglia.
HEY DO YOU GUYS LIKE SPORTS SOMETIMES, I DO ABOUT 30% OF THE TIME
For those of you out there planning on being super successful professional athletes, do not let your parents near your finances!!! The following:
http://nesn.com/2014/11/report-blue-jackets-jack-…
and http://deadspin.com/ryan-howard-recently-ended-a-…
Vince Carter (and the Grizzlies) went to Toronto and instead of booing the shit out of him (per usual, which I understand to a point) they showed a video montage of his time there, and Raptors fans gave him a standing O and he cried and all was right with the world, amen.
SUPER GARBAGE CREATURE OF THE WEEK: Dion Earl! http://deadspin.com/dion-earl-denies-sex-claims-h…
Sixers fans, I am sorry you are Sixers fans. Papa John’s doesn’t even require that the Sixers win in order to get a discounted pizza anymore, they just require that they score 90 points, even if they lose.
Wizards get BronBron tonight, and Bradley Beal looked in top form his first game back. Let’s go Zards!
Sorry to everyone who wanted to see the barnburner that will be Buffalo/NYJ. I know, I know, how are they not putting this on national tv you ask me!?!? Hope everyone has Sunday Ticket! (Also, take care up there in Buffalo, guys!)
Guys, say words about sports to me!!!
Chiefs/Raiders: the Ultimate Trap Game! I am kind of delighted about it.
Oh Oakland, I was thinking they might actually lose every game this year, so good job guys. My survivor/last man standing/pick ’em pool was down to 7 after last week and 2 people chose KC! I was almost one of them, but now I’m 1/5 for a GIANT pot and I’m stressing so hard about my pick.
How are people feeling about Derrick Carr? I like him, and then last night I watched him throw into coverage like 7 times and was all, “Derrick, bro, what are you doing?” Any Raiders fans have thoughts?
I didn’t watch enough of the game to have a real opinion of him, just enough the last quarter to laugh at the Oakland defense as they drew three defensive penalties in one of the last drives of the game.
That’s so Raiders!
No (defensive) penalties in the first 58 minutes of the game and then 3 on one play!
God I feel SO BAD about Ryan Howard. Bankruptcy is an absolute nightmare
I’m also kind of sad that the Raiders won yesterday… I was kind of hoping for a 0-16 season. Just so someone, ANYONE is worse than the Bears. *cries myself to sleep*
Oh, the Bears. I’m sorry.
Hey, since you’re a Bears fan, I don’t know if you’re in Chicago (or listen to sportstalk radio, which is a terrible idea, generally) but did you hear about 87.7 The Game finding out the station was shutting down at years end, while they were live on-air?? Because Robert Feder is a douchebag who couldn’t wait to SCOOP THE WORLD, so he just HAD to report this before all these people found out they were losing their jobs?? Robert Feder, everyone!
http://deadspin.com/it-was-reported-today-that-th…
Apparently the Nats are shopping Jordan Zimmerman. WTFUCK that is not okay.
I doubt he’s here in 2016. He’ll be too old to sign to a big contract when his current deal runs out, as much as I hate to say that. He may end up still being great for many years, but the risk is pretty big to take. Womp womp. I’m pretty sure we’ve got him for at least one more year, though.
I know, and I understand why, if they think they won’t be able to sign him, they would want to get *something* for him. I really just hadn’t thought about it much, so it was kind of a shock to see they were putting him up on the trading block.
I mean, if he rejects his qualifying offer next offseason, they’ll at least get a compensatory draft pick? Would seem wild to me if they end up letting both Zimmermann and Fister walk just for picks tho.
Apparently, at the very least, the Cubs thing wasn’t legit. We’ve hope yet!
Gonna shout for a minute here:
THE PACKERS O-LINE PLUS CLAY MATTHEWS ARE GOING TO BE IN PITCH PERFECT 2 AS A BEEFY MAN-ACAPELLA GROUP
Done yelling. I’m real happy. Also Packers dominated yet again last week, and yet again Fox switched the broadcast in the 3rd because of their weird mercy rule. I don’t want mercy! I don’t watch blood sport for mercy!
omg is that real, is that real about clay and the o-line, oh my god that is amazing
Packers are the best home team in the NFL. Ever since “r-e-l-a-x” Aaron Rodgers has been lights the fuck out.
You can see them in the official trailer around the 1:00 mark. Clay has rip-off sleeves and it makes my heart flutter wildly.
OMG BEST NEWS !!
packers related- In my fantasy football league I just traded for Jordy Nelson right before the deadline and I feel very smug and happy about that
they have been a pleasure to watch!
I’m sure you’ll still be feeling smug after Sunday. Vikings are 4-6 and not getting better. Yay Nelson!
This is absolutely awesome lovely wonderful news and I cannot wait to see those goofballs make fools of themselves in that movie. Every time I think I couldn’t love this team more…
Raptors fever is so real here but I have no basic strategic understanding of basketball (like, I can’t identify a pick-and-roll)
(also I am in like Week 3 of desperately trying to conceal this from the hot basketball writer at work)
(also I’ve read everything Zach Lowe’s written for Grantland for like the last 2 years, AND YET)
Ha, it took me a couple years of actually playing the damn game to do a proper pick and roll, so I feel you.
My whole family is fans of Washington football, so we’ve entered our annual grieving process. We lost to Tampa Bay. TAMPA BAY. All I feel is shame. Ryan Kerrigan and his unending thirst for sacks are the only things keeping me together. RGIII seems incapable of performing at a professional level. Even the Ravens, my backup AFC team, seem to be struggling this year. Ugh. Please, Lord, let Dan Snyder be hit by a comet one of these days.
That would be something that we could truly give thanks for.
Not just lost to them. But *embarassingly* lost to them. Being a DC sports fan is… just… not the best.
You know where I was when I watched the Tampa game? In fucking line for international security at goddamn Dulles. It was perfect. With every zag of the line, Robert zagged and was sacked.
OH MAN the Jack Johnson story. I’m a Blue Jackets fan/season ticket holder and I’ve met Jack a couple of times at events, and he’s SUCH a nice guy and so important to the team and I just really, really feel for him. He has a 16 year old brother, also a hockey player who is committed to UMich, and he still lives with their parents, and it is just 100% a garbage situation. ;;jmfj;;
heartbreaking couple of weeks of Jackets news. Ugh.
I had to ask my coworkers to just stop talking to me about hockey in the middle of the nine-game losing streak, haha.
We used to really lay it on him when he came to town while playing for the Wolverines. Now that I’ve read that article, I *almost* feel bad about it.
In any case, that situation is absolutely horrible and I feel terrible for him. To be betrayed and sabotaged by your own parents must just be an awful feeling, and I’m sorry for anyone who is going through/has gone through it.
SPORTS!! the international break is over and half of my team is is out with injuries until next year but i’m so ready for the restart of club football this weekend!
are there other football loving toasties (that aren’t sick of me yapping about it on twitter)? what are your teams? how is your season going?
PREMIER LEAGUE RETURNS!
Diego Costa is fit, yeah Chelsea yeah yeah yeah!
I like my in-laws, but they live really far away and I don’t know them that well! They had kind of an acrimonious divorce when my fiance was young, and their inability to act like adults on the same parenting team mean that he got really left behind. I get furious when I realize that there’s no pictures of him doing group activities, no fun stuff that kids do, and when he mentioned offhand something like “oh yeah I really liked x activity but my parents couldn’t work together on getting me to practice/lessons/whatever.” Or the way their butting heads made him an anxious kid and an unhappy teenager. They’re very nice people, but I have a really hard time reconciling the way they let my fiance down with how they seem to get along today. I know it is all their family stuff and he’s made peace with it but I’m hearing about it for the first time, and also they are not my parents so I don’t *have* to love them.
I hear you. I am incredibly protected of the Beloved and when I hear about how poorly his mom treated him, it’s difficult for me to not absolutely rage. He is a beautiful soul (in addition to be pretty fuckin’ hot) and god damn it gets me to know his childhood was so horrible.
Oh wow – that’s so similar to how I feel about my inlaws. They could never get their lives together enough to support my husband, and while it makes me furious, he’s super chill about it. People frequently remark on how normal and well-adjusted he is, after such a messed up childhood, and he likes to say “I saw a lot of how not to live”. 😐
Hello, fellow Toasties! I’m so ready for Thanksgiving break, I don’t even know what to do about myself right now because I’m not off work yet. I just… want to be off work.
My doctor told me a sentence I never thought I’d hear the other day. “I need you to stop losing weight.” As a heavyset lady this is something I never thought a medical professional would ever utter in my direction but apparently being pregnant messes with the Way of Things. Also I’ve never been one to just spontaneously drop pounds so the fact that I’m mysteriously losing weight at all is also weird to me. Pregnancy makes my body weird, apparently. I feel very unlike myself. I mean I’m also someone who’s always generally been pretty body-positive and not worried about a number on a scale and suddenly I feel like I’m being met head-on by a bunch of stuff that my own personal life philosophy just doesn’t really jive with so it’s kind of strange. I feel strange.
In other news, I finally started Serial. Woo, behind on cultural phenomena once again!
HA, I just started Serial on Wednesday. I keep policing my reactions to it – “Do you think you’re into it just because everyone else is?” “Would you give this a chance if everyone *wasn’t* talking about how great it was?” and the truth is that everyone else’s fervor was what carried me through the second and third episode. But after that it picked up for me.
Pregnancy is really REALLY weird. We had a lot of trouble gaining weight the second time around and it was such a pain, it is like you’d think being told ‘Eat more! Eat fattening things!’ would be fun, but noooooooooo.
In which borough do you live?
Toast people, what are your tips for reducing stress and anxiety? I saw my neurologist this morning and he thinks I’m getting headaches and migraines far too frequently (he’s worried about too many pain meds being taken) and he thinks they’re linked to stress. I worry about EVERYTHING so this is not really shocking that stress would be happening.
I did quite my horrid soul-sucking job this year and my stress levels have reduced but I just have so much anxiety about EVERYTHING. So, best ways to reduce stress and not automatically ponder the worst case scenarios?
Sometimes I hop on Weird Twitter and Tumblr and see how everyone else is also pondering worst-case scenarios and getting stressed about things that will never happen, and it gives me a nice sense of community and unity. Then because I’ve given myself permission to stress, I’m not stressed about being stressed. So there’s that…but I’m not sure if it works for everyone.
I’ve had a little bit of success with A) finding a good therapist, B) trying to be very conscious about my thought patterns, recognizing when I’m going into anxiety spirals and forcing myself to think about something else. Also, I like yoga, maybe you would too, YMMV, etc. Luck!
This sounds better than my current embracing of the anxiety spirals.
I do love yoga! But I haven’t been doing it much lately. I should try to start again and see if it helps. Thank you!
I started antidepressants for my anxiety recently, which worked well at first but now I’m having trouble again. Meditation helps.
So does smoking, but I do not recommend that.
The awful catch-22 is that when you’re anxious you can’t sleep but getting a lot of sleep is probably the best thing you can do to get rid of anxiety. If your anxiety comes in the form of panic attacks look into a Xanax prescription– I only take it once or twice a week, to reduce the chance of dependence, but if I’m getting ready for bed and can feel all that dread and terror building up in my mind I take one right away and it works like a charm.
Also, see if you can make your environment more relaxing. It sounds really dumb but I feel a million times better at work since I put a plant in my office and got maintenance to change out some of the nasty fluorescent lights.
I have a zoloft prescription that I filled but have never taken, mostly since some days are fine and then BAM anxiety – but if you can take it as needed and that’s ok – HM. maybe I’ll try it.
I take zoloft too, for depression, but I find that the panic attacks can still bust through the wall of medication like a Kool-Aid man made of adrenaline and nightmares. The two are often prescribed together, so I figure this is a common situation.
a Kool-Aid man made of adrenaline and nightmares
I love this. I mean I hate it. But I love it. You know what I mean.
I find that I have a lot of trouble wrenching my thoughts away from whatever it is I’m getting anxious about, so I’ll try to find something tangible that I can do immediately that’s related to the current focus of my anxiety. Worrying about hypothetically not being able to pay my rent next year? Open up my budget, check it against my bank account, and remind myself that I’m actually doing okay now. Worrying that I’m useless and lazy? Pull up my thesis document and write a couple of hundred words so that I’m accomplishing something, even if it’s small. This might not help against generalized anxiety or stress, and YMMV, but it gets me out of my head and reminds me that even if my brain says something, that doesn’t mean it’s true.
Best of luck to you!
Mindfulness meditation is often recommended, and we like it. It is *hard* to do but it comes with practise.
Do you exercise? If there is a lot of stress in your body it is good to get it out physically.
I do exercise 2-3 times a week, probably not as much as I should. I need to treat it like a thing I have to do for sanity and not just another obligation I can put off.
I recommend swimming. The combination of steady exercise and being immersed in water never fails to calm me down, and when I’m too anxious to eat it’s the only thing that boosts my appetite.
Basic stuff:
CBT to recognize when you’re going into a bad spiral; regular therapy after you’re done CBT; taking benadryl or magnesium to sleep; very intense exercise (hot yoga, running, etc.) Basically tire yourself out. Also, make sure to eat properly. If necessary, take ativan at panic attacks or really really bad days. Then, maybe start an SNRI.
You can do this!
My own anxieties are often reversed when I remember to break a bad habit: I learned young to look for trouble, look for things that can be improved, look for what’s wrong, look for what’s dangerous. Stopping that thought train, taking a breath, and working to find what’s *good* about the situation has helped me.
Also helpful is forcing myself to fully analyze “What’s the worst that could happen?” Because it’s never half as bad as my anxiety has convinced me it could be.
I find acupuncture to be amazing stress relief. I can just feel the muscles in my jaw and body release. It’s also great for insomnia. A lot of places have “community acupuncture” which is cheap as long as you don’t mind taking your needle-nap (most people nap while the needles are in) in a room with other people, as opposed to a private room all by yourself. Where I live, community acupuncture is $35-50 for the initial consultation conversation and $20 for all followups. “Needle” sounds scary but acupuncture needles are MUCH much much smaller than other types of needles. It’s because they don’t have to be hollow to let a liquid pass through them for an injection. So they can be really really skinny. Depending where they go, I don’t even necessarily feel some of them go in.
The most effective things for me are: CBT, exercise, and meditation.
Toast-persons, my wife and I are seeing Mockingjay tomorrow morning, and that is a very exciting thing that is happening. Super psyched for that movie. And also there was the Pitch Perfect 2 trailer yesterday, and even though it’s 6 months away, I do in fact want to see it right now. This is not possible, and that makes me sad. Other movies I am looking forward to: Annie, Into the Woods, Avengers 2 (well, basically the whole next 5 years of Marvel movies), and I am also looking forward to NOT SEEING THE HOBBIT, because Peter Jackson has enough of my money and the last movie was so, so terrible I can’t even deal with it.
Also Parks & Rec will be coming back, and that will be awesome.
What pop culture are you Toastrons looking forward to?
I’m actually looking forward to the live-action Cinderella. I kind of love that they’re sticking so closely to the story (dear God, I hope they are) with some CGI, because really, that’s what Cinderella is all about, it is about costumes, scenery, adequate acting performances, and very little else. People keep bitching about it, but like: there are like twenty-five zillion superhero movies that I do not care about at all, ever, there is room out there for a movie about princesses. The end.
See, the thing I didn’t like about it was that it seemed so similar to the Disney animated movie. I mean it looks like it will be well done, but… I can just watch the animated movie? I totally agree that there is room for movies about princesses – I am a fan of most of the Disney animated musical genre (as my wife will attest). This one is just… not doing it for me.
The costumes look so beautiful! I particularly love the skirt on Cinderella’s ball gown, but that’s probably because I’ve never met a twirly skirt I didn’t love.
Does anyone know if they’re including the music? It seems a bit odd to be planning a reshoot of this particular type of Cinderella without any singing…
I’m super worried that I may be over my Marvel obsession because I just… can’t summon any excitement about the next 5 years of movies? I’m hoping this may just be because I’m so stressed out/anxious right now about finishing grad school and that my enthusiasm will return in the spring.
A movie I AM really excited about right now is Life Partners. I’ve watched the trailer 12 times this week, probably? I’ve never been super enthusiastic about Leighton Meester, but I think I’m developing a massive crush on her from this movie alone. Anyway, it’s available on demand so I think I’ll treat myself to watching that this weekend.
Aww, don’t be worried about it! Obsessions come and go. If you get back into them, you do! TBH, what was exciting me yesterday was the rumor that Mike Colton (Lamond Bishop of The Good Wife) may be in the running to play Luke Cage in the Netflix series. That would be awesome!
SO WITH YOU. Once they confirmed they’re doing Civil War, I emotionally divorced myself from the franchise. Because seriously.
Life Partners: Gillian Jacobs in a major role. I’m in! Hope she doesn’t completely Britta it.
INTO THE WOODS INTO THE WOODS INTO THE WOODS
Also Mockingjay tonight. I’m trying to temper my excitement for that one, because I didn’t care for the book, but I have loved the movies and have every faith in the team behind this movie. Which is a very, very weird feeling for me to have for a book adaptation.
(I’ll be going to the Hobbit for the sake of completion, mostly. Also, that way my angry tumblr posts about it will be as accurate as possible.)
I saw Mockingjay tonight and felt the film had much better structure and pace than the book did. Really well done, imho. Hope you enjoy it!
PARKS AND REC. And Broad City. Also the next seasons of Hannibal and Game of Thrones, though those aren’t coming up for several more months.
I am also stoked to see Mockingjay, but boyfriend has no interest in it so maybe I will go see it myself, like a boss.
I’m seeing Mockingjay tomorrow too! I bought tickets for myself and a friend at the fancy grown-up theater so it will be 21+ and I can bring a cocktail into the theater. This is ideal for me because I will cry and want a drink and a hug.
I’ve been waiting for The Imitation Game ever since Leo was in talks to develop it, so, like, three years. (He’s probably so pissed at Warner right now.) The Weinstein Company BETTER not pull that “LA and NY only until January” bullshit #chicagoproblems
The last season* of Mad Men.
Review with Forest McNeil season 2. Andy Daly is a genius.
The last season of Parks & Rec.
BETTER CALL SAUL!!!!!!
*I hate AMC for doing this with its best shows. Just film and air them at once, jerks, they are two separate seasons not one cut in half!
LILYHAMMER!!!!! Comes back TONIGHTTTTT
I am absurdly stoked for the last Hobbit movie; I love those crazy high-budget bad fanfics. But I also did not realize that Mockingjay was already coming out, so !!!!!!! for that too.
I can’t wait for the final hobbit movie because the last one was terrible and I am going to have a ball sitting up the back with my bee eff eff and LOLing in horror.
I am genuinely excited for The Librarians series due to start on TNT in a couple of weeks. I was (am) a complete Leverage tragic and this has pretty much the same creative team so I am jonesing for my low-budget cheesefest and found-family feels. And for Christian Kane playing a good ol boy art historian with an IQ of 190 because wat.
So because winter came obnoxiously early, I’m 75% seriously planning a trip to the Caribbean for February. Preferably on the cheaper side, but all-inclusive resorts are definitely on the table. Anyone have tips/suggestions/experience with Groupon Getaways?
I was talking about planning something like this with a friend this morning! No advice from me, but I am listening eagerly.
I considered doing all-inclusive this summer, but ended up going with a regular hotel. I looooooved Puerto Rico, it’s really cheap, and I hear it’s super nice in February. If you want more info I am happy to help! (email is allicooke5 @ gmail)
I may take you up on that! It is very easy to fly to San Juan from both Boston and Chicago, but idk where the good beaches etc are in PR.
Vieques! Gorgeous.
I signed up to be on the email list for Cruises.com once on a whim, and they send me CONSTANT offers. There always seems to be something on sale, but usually it’s “leaving next week, we have cabins left, BOOK NOW and you get extra onboard credit!” So if you are able to plan stuff on very short notice, I’d consider it.
That always seems to be the case, and I wish I was that person/had that job. (I theoretically could, but I do like planning things! and looking forward to them)
All inclusives can be much cheaper than a regular hotel and paying for all your own food and booze! I’ve been to Dominican Republic twice and Cuba twice. If you want to hear more about both or either of those places let me know. In terms of cheap places we’ve used both selloffvacations and expedia, but an important tip is to have your browser set to incognito. If it’s not, the sites can see what other sites you’re looking at and will raise their prices more the more you look around.
I just love the idea of not having to put a ton of thought into where to eat and drink. That’s always the most stressful part of vacations, and if it’s all paid for, it’s just throwing darts!
Where in the DR? I’m finding a lot of good Groupons for there, so I’d love to hear about your experience!
Both times near Puerto Plata, which is like the resort province, once in Sosua and once in Luperon. Actually, in Sosua it was *in* Sosua, meaning you could leave the resort and right away there were shops and restaurants and stuff, whereas in Luperon it was more secluded and a half hour walk into town. Both have their ups and downs.
The biggest down is FOOD POISONING. My partner and I actually had to go to a hospital in Puerto Plata. And it was all our dumb fault because we’re adventurous eaters, so purposefully sought out a place off the tourist strip where locals ate. But our North American gut flora & fauna is not used to the flora & fauna in their water – we’re pretty sure it was because the veggies were washed in their general water, since that was what we ate in common (I’m vegetarian, she’s not.)
So yeah, my biggest DR advice is only eat on resort, or if you’re feeling risky, stay on the tourist strip. This may seem obvious, but we had been in Cuba our last 2 vacations, where it’s pretty much safe to eat anywhere.
My sister and I did a Groupon Getaway to the Bahamas for my bday this year. SUPER cheap (I think like 600 bucks for flight and all inclusive) and we had no problems except a flight change (months out and the airline stopped flying the route which wasn’t Groupons fault and only gave us a layover vs nonstop). We booked our transportation to the resort through them too and the whole thing was amazing and now I’m sad it’s over. Have fun!
I’ve been rereading “The Three Musketeers” due to conversations on the Toast. I’m falling in love with Milady: a woman who TERRIFIES every man she encounters, including the cardinal, because they are incapable of comprehending or predicting her behavior.
Force her to enter a convent? She seduces a priest and steals all the regalia. Catch her and imprison her? She seduces the jailer’s son and runs away again. Hang her, abandon your estates, and become a Musketeer? Yeah, she totally survives that and marries another dude and then murders him.
Rape her by deception? She’ll try to kill you, and then murder your girlfriend. Imprison her with a guard that cannot be seduced? She’ll convince him she’s a devout Puritan, and subvert him into completing the assassination for her. Eventually all the dudes she’s wronged form a club and execute her: I am NOT convinced that the executing took.
She’s an unstoppable murder and misandry machine: the author notes that she should be called “Milady DeWinter”, but that everyone just calls her “Milady”.
I chose to believe that all the fedora dudes that call me “Milady” wish to communicate that I inspire a similar sense of terror and bewilderment.
Milady on The Musketeers is AMAZING and I’m glad to hear she is the same in the original text.
Milady!! It was so WEIRD reading The Three Musketeers and realizing “Wait, all of these qualities are meant to make me dislike Milady and see her as a villain, NOT as an ideal to strive for.”
She makes me think of Locke Lamora and other con artist heroes. Except more terrifying.
Um, wow, why have I never read this book?
I warn you: she is a villain, she is eventually defeated, and 80% of the book is given over to the performance of Elizabethan-era French masculinity. It might be worth it just to see how masculinity has changed: the Musketeer are enormously vain, depend on their mistresses for money, and spend most of their time acting as intimidating ornaments.
I (and my work book club) just finished “The Black Count”, a non-fiction about Alexandre Dumas’ crazy awesome dad (who’s life experiences he ended using for lots of his novels). I would highly recommend it if you like Dumas!
I just went upstairs (I work in a library) and grabbed a recent translation. Here is the subtitle of the Preface:
“In which it is established that, despite their names ending in -os and -is, the heroes of the story we shall have the honor of telling our readers are in no way mythological.”
I love it already.
Oh!! I just started The Thee Musketeers! M. Siniichulok read it as part of his Soviet-system literature curriculum and warned me doubtfully that there were hardly any women in it (he’s well acquainted with my misandrist literary requirements). But I’m 20 pages in and I really like it so far! I think Judith Merkle Riley broke me in with The Oracle Glass (same century, same country).
I pre-ordered the new Pokémon game and am currently waiting for it to be delivered to my office! Apologies in advance to NY book club members, who I will be ditching tonight in order to play, and to my boyfriend, who probably won’t get to interact with me that much this weekend.
I got made fun of in a GameStop that I got dragged to yesterday because I mentioned in passing that I need a new DS to play all my old Pokemon games because I sat on my old one. Fuck that! Pokemon is great.
I don’t understand why this is something to make fun of someone for??? It sounds completely reasonable to me. That Gamestop was very rude. I am skipping ORAS because I have to pay for Smash Bros first but I am so excited on behalf of everyone who is excited for Pokemon as well.
They were! I’m not a gamer. I have no desire to ever be a gamer, because most video games are either boring or intensely stressful to me. Pokemon is the only game I have ever liked and I am okay with that!
I would argue that you ARE a gamer and should feel 100% okay claiming that term even if you “only” play Pokemon. A gamer is someone who plays games. Let’s not let rude people like the ones at GameStop be the only ones who get to lay a claim to that term. 🙂
Yo fuck them so hard, Pokémon is the forever best!
Maybe someone in this thread can answer my question: I want a new pokemon game, but only have money for one. So should I get X/Y or Omega Ruby/Alpha Sapphire?
What’s the latest pokemon game you’ve played? I think that might change my answer.
I will just tell you all the Pokemon games I have played: Gold and Pearl (Pearl was the last). Not very many!
Okay, I didn’t play Ruby/Sapphire when it originally came out so this isn’t a 100% informed decision, BUT X/Y introduces some mechanics & storyline aspects (3D battles, mega-evolution) that will come into play in OR/AS so I would maybe start there & buy OR/AS down the line. I know that when I first got X/Y I hadn’t played since Gold, and I spent a couple of HOURS just walking around and being amazed at the graphics. I almost think it might be overwhelming to jump into OR/AS if you haven’t played since Pearl.
(But really, I don’t think you’ll be disappointed whichever way you go)
X/Y is a short game, but I found the storyline and customization options really compelling. OR/AS is a remake of the Gen III games, they’ve gotten rid of a lot of the X/Y mechanics (no more customization, boo hiss) AND there is a lot of water. I hate water. Personal opinion, go for X/Y (gentle nudge towards X because Xerneas is FRICKIN SWEET)
I went to the midnight release last night and have barely started Alpha Sapphire but I AM SO HYPED! Maybe I will actually play Gen III this time around??
PODCAST THREAD!!!!
Let’s talk Serial and get SPOILERy, like how if Adnan is lying he is pretty much a sociopath. I don’t know anything at all about what to think anymore so much conflicting emotions. Also, no Thanksgiving ep? AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! Guess I’ll just have to re-listen to all of them.
Also, there’s this, featuring two of my comedy MVPs: http://www.earwolf.com/episode/public-domain-with…
What have you listened to this week?
I have so many conflicted feelings about Serial! I am worried that it’s just going to fizzle, and it’ll’ve been this big thing that dredges up a decade and a half old murder without resolving anything. Especially since Koenig thinks that Hae’s family knows about the podcast…. my feelings are basically one big exasperated Kermit flail.
And I finally got to Henry VIII in Rex Factor, and it did not disappoint! I love how enthusiastic the one of them is about castles.
This week’s episode just made me throw my hands up like fuck it, I have no idea, I’m gonna sit back and let Sarah sort this shit out.
Definitely. Why do all these people involved have to be so damn human?
Y’all. I can’t come up with any plausible Serial theory. Like, from the jump – Jay’s not been 100%. We’ve known that. His testimony has changed. But it still doesn’t make sense. And yet the second to last episode did make feel sympathetic towards him. Especially the audio of him being questioned on the stand.
And Adnan. I just..he didn’t do it, right? And I can’t see Jay being the one to initiate Hae’s murder.
I really do need to go back and listen to them all because because that narrative style of podcast is really hard for me to follow.
This is far from a theory, but my hunches are that Mr. S is involved (I don’t think he killed her, but I think he knew way more about it than he said) and that someone else killed Hae. I have no idea who.
Yeah. I can see that.
At this point, it there has to be another person involved. And it seems more likely that Jay’s been covering for that person. Because there’s still no plausible reason he would help Adnan to that extent. And no reason for Jay himself to kill Hae.
I realized this week that though we know Jay was involved somehow, because he knew where her car was, we actually have nothing officially tying Adnan to it. Right? Am I missing anything?
So what if he was truly not involved at all, and it was Jay and someone else? Don? Did Jay know Don? Are there any girls who might have been involved for high-school-girl reasons?
For the first seven episodes I definitely thought it was Jay. Then last week happened and everything imploded. Especially the tape of him being sentenced where he got all emotional. Jesus, Serial!
I have the inklings of a crazy theory. I think Stephanie is the key, not Jay. Stephanie was the link between these people. She was a strong athlete, an alpha. I am imagining an Mean Girls gone too far scenario where she called her boyfriend (Jay) and her closest guy friend (Adnan) and asked them to help her dispose of the body.
Yes, I should have scrolled down further before commenting above! I am very curious about this idea.
She might not have even involved Adnan at all, right?
Possibly? I guess in that scenario you could imagine Jenn knowing about it right away and Adnan finding out later (but before he was arrested). Adnan and Jay both want to protect Stephanie, but Jenn gets the cops involved and Jay, who thinks of himself as a pretty talented liar, starts talking to protect both of them.
If Adnan truly wasn’t involved except for knowing what happened, he probably assumes there’s no way he’ll go to jail because there’s no evidence. So, to protect Stephanie, he just plays like he knows nothing about any of it. And, at this point, he has no idea what Jay has told the cops so he has no way to refute it. He just assumes his innocence will be enough to protect him.
This week’s ep felt weird to me. It didn’t focus a whole lot on additional evidence, with the exception of that quick mention of “hey maybe the timeline was TOTALLY WRONG, hm, weird” at the beginning. Most of it was about how much it sucks to be on trial for murder and have people hate/suspect you, and…well, yes, that sounds like a terrible experience? But…it still doesn’t change the fact that he could have done it?
Mostly I’m confused about why they haven’t addressed the overall political/racial/criminal justice climate in Baltimore in the late 90s and how that affected the trial. It seems like a HUGE thing that has barely been mentioned.
Yeah, the timeline was wrong, Jay’s a liar, the phone at Best Buy doesn’t exist, Adnan seeming like a killer at Kathy’s house because he acted weird vs. he was really high and had to talk to the cops makes me feel like things are shifting more clearly toward Adnan innocence.
I was just reading this article about that.
Did Koenig really say that “They [the jury] must have had enough evidence to convict or else they wouldn’t have convicted him”? REALLY?
That’s exactly what I was thinking of, but I was too lazy to dig up the link!
IIRC she kind of said it rhetorically rather than as a statement of fact, but…YEAH. It’s frustrating, because Koenig’s spending a lot of time and energy trying to figure out who was where when, and whose stories check out, and all that–which are valid things for her to be interested in–but very little on the giant miscarriage of justice it looks like this was, and the ways in which our court system can indeed end up in people being convicted on less-than-substantial evidence.
The assumption of the 2:36 being The Call has always bugged me.
Can you talk more about the political/racial/criminal justice climate in Baltimore in the late 90s, or point me to a resource?
Ah, never mind, just saw the link above!
I have not started listening to Serial, but I’ve just started in on old Snap Judgement episodes, so this week was an all Snap Judgement, all the time week and it was EXCELLENT. So many stories! So many interesting people! It’s like my perfect blend of Radiolab + This American Life + The Moth.
After getting a fibromyalgia diagnosis earlier this year, I went back to the doctor to get referred to a specialist and (because I saw a different doctor at the practice) she was like, “Well we really can’t confirm a fibromyalgia diagnosis until you get your Vitamin D checked and test for Lyme Disease.” Which is super frustrating because 1) I’ve had this diagnosis for 10 months and it feels really true to me, 2) I specifically asked the last doctor I saw about Lyme and she said it was unlikely and the test wouldn’t show it anyway because I’ve had symptoms for too long, and 3) I just want to see a specialist! I’m all shaken up about this — what if I have a totally different thing? What if all the problems I’ve always had were just a Vitamin D deficiency?? I guess that would be good if they could be fixed by taking vitamins, but I’ve wasted like a decade of my life on being sick and injured and sore all the time and I almost feel like I want it to be something real, you know?
ughhhhh having a disability is hardddddd
but maybe I don’t even have one and I’m just a big faker this whole time
No no no. Doctors are seriously frustrating a lot of the time, but you feel sick and injured. That sucks, and isn’t being a faker. Can you call or email the original doctor who saw you, even if it’s not your regular one, and ask for a referral? (My doctor likes to drown me in referrals that I generally ignore because she basically wants to add more data to her database of info about my rare disorder, so I have the opposite problem. If someone else would pay for that, then I’m all for helping science. ugh.) Good luck getting to a specialist/the treatment you need!
Thank you, I really needed to hear that. I go to a clinic where I’m seen by residents and my old doctor graduated to being a real doctor, so I haven’t seen her. They said that if the tests come back regular they’re happy to give me a referral, but I’m just sick of self advocating and being talked down to.
Ughhh if I never had to self-advocate again with doctors I would be a happy, happy woman. It’s a hassle getting anyone to 1)even look at test results and 2) tell me what they mean. (Yes, it’s tempting to change doctors, but she’s nice when I do get her attention and one of the few people studying what I have.) I am SO sorry that your docs talk down to you–there is no excuse for that, but based on my own family’s all too extensive experience, I know way too well that limited options mean that you often have to deal with people you’d really rather “fire.” I’m also sorry that all I can do is commiserate. Good luck sorting this out!
That sounds like such a trying experience and I’m sorry you’re having to deal with it. One thing to remember is that the human body is complex and can have more than one thing going on with it at a time. If you live in a part of the country where it is cold and dark right now, you may well have a bit of a vitamin d deficiency (most people will be a bit low without supplementation; that’s what happens when your skin does not see the sunlight for several months), but that doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t also have fibromyalgia at the same time.
Hmm, that was meant to be encouraging, but sort of ended up being “Don’t worry, you might have lots of stuff wrong with you!”, eh?
But really, I just hope that you feel like you can advocate for the treatment you need: if you feel bad, it is real, and if the doctor you’re seeing is not acknowledging that, it’s perfectly reasonable to find someone else that you trust and like to work with.
Haha that’s actually very encouraging. I don’t even know what I want — if there was a way to snap my fingers and not be sick anymore obviously I would want it! But I also feel like a dumbass for… suffering unnecessarily? being underserved by my doctors? not advocating enough somehow? I’m also a little skeptical because apparently the supervising doctor who was pushing the Vitamin D stuff is the “top Vitamin D guy in the area” which… means he probably thinks everything is a Vitamin D deficiency?
Just popping back in late, so you might not see this, but — don’t feel like a dumbass!
It’s really sucky if you came out of that doctor’s appointment feeling like your suffering was somehow your fault, and it’s frustrating to have to advocate for yourself continuously (as a side note, it seems extra shitty that the conditions for which one usually has to advocate for oneself more to get good care, like fibro, chronic fatigue, or migraine, also make it harder to do so by their very nature, like “I’m in pain/fatigued all the time, but I for sure have the time and energy to do a bunch of research on this so I can be prepared to advocate for myself at the doctor’s office”).
Also… *whispers* between you and me, I’m side-eyeing that vitamin D doc pretty hard right now
I’m also side-eyeing him! But I mean, it’s Minnesota, probably everyone is Vitamin D deficient, but it doesn’t mean I don’t also have other problems, like you said.
the human body is complex and can have more than one thing going on with it at a time.
Vitamin D deficiency and Fibro? NOT MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE.
It’s so true.
Fallen London thread?
Theoretta Rizing has just returned from exile in the Tomb-Colonies, thanks to the no-longer-Struggling Artist. What a mooch and an ingrate! I fully expect to be thrown back into New Newgate Prison pretty shortly as all my menaces are out of control. Also, the Toastie who warned me about the Cardsharp Monkey was fully 100% correct as the little monster is now inciting his simian revenge.
Happy birthday to The Bartender and the other November season Toasties!
I’ve been getting the shit beat out of me chasing that damn Vake.
Also, devils love me. I hope i get to betray them spectacularly someday.
Fallen London thread! HOW DO I BONE THIS DEMON, I’VE BEEN WRITING HIM SEXY LETTERS FOR FUCKING EVER.
yes hello I would like to know more about how you met this demon?
Oh a devil, I guess, not a demon, sorry. Anyway, I just keep getting this card which is something like “A devil has written you a slightly-inappropriate letter. Do you a) write back neutrally, b) tell him off for being fresh or c) write him a definitely-inappropriate letter?” It has a picture of a hot devil on it.
Oh I went down that road! I ended up accidentally selling my soul to him. NO REGRETS.
Can someone please tell me how to get the Shepherd’s Timepiece through the Trade in Souls storyline? I am still stuck and haven’t gotten any helpful cards all week.
In happier news, I have become A Person of Some Importance! It’s all so exciting, but also fairly expensive. I don’t even know where to start with the new content I have access to so for the time being I am just pursuing the storylines I was working on before my Transformation. Other things I have done: set fire to the Orphanage after rescuing the singer and her sister; repeatedly tried and failed to seduce my old flame the Artist’s Model; reached the Cave of the Nadir after a long and suspenseful expedition (except now to progress further I need to spend either 400 Echoes or 50 Fate or poke around the Forgotten Quarter until I find 5 eyeless skulls); become involved with mediums and mesmerists in Mahogany Hall. Quite a busy week for me!
(Vipsania Beauregard, hmu)
Congratulations on becoming a POSI! I still have a ways to go before even qualifying but it’s very exciting to hear about people’s progress further in the game (and sadly, I have no useful information about the Shepherd’s Timepiece – but hope something becomes unstuck for you soon).
I have been making my way through the labyrinth to rescue that pair!
Congratulations on becoming a POSI! I wish I could remember how the Trade in Souls storyline played out so I could give you advice. Have you tried asking around on the forums, or sending a question to saint-arthur.tumblr.com? One of them will probably have the answer.
Your sinister plant kicked the shit out of my sinister plant this morning! My plant (Cesare) was getting a little complacent anyway.
I got the Shepherd’s Timepiece really recently but something about this game, though, I can never remember specifics. I don’t think I needed a card – it was through an interaction at my Lodgings.
Can you have both the Spirifer’s Fork AND the Shepherd’s Timepiece or is it an either/or? I have the Fork already – that might be the answer to my quandary, actually…
That’s probably it. I don’t *think* I did anything particularly special to get it.
Those are definitely either-or.
I wanted the Timepiece so I could retrieve the Regretful Soldier’s wife’s soul, but I guess I’ll just have to take his instead. Oh well.
You can re-do the Trade in Souls storyline by paying for it again. Mnemosyne has done it three times now – first the Timepiece route, then she got really cosy with Hell and was like “wow, you can make a LOT of money off souls” and did it again and got the fork, then many months further down the line, after a great deal of personal upheaval, said “Fuck this” and switched sides again.
Syne’s moral code is complicated.
Ah, geez. I get sent to exile p much twice a week. I /try/ to be less scandalous, but it seems to just be in my nature…
Ugh, I JUST failed at an expedition in the Forbidden City, because my stupid Rivals got there ahead of me. That was a fucking expensive expedition, dickheads!
Feeling a bit meh about the game at the moment, I need to up my Shadowy and Dangerous to do the things I want to, but they’re lagging behind the other characteristics for a reason. Anyway, just gotta grind a bit to get back to the interesting stories!
Edit: also, if one (hypothetically of course) wished to actually play the dagger-and-wax game, and had certain tokens, how would one achieve such a feat?
I did more fun stuff involving Persuasive and Watchful to get money for equipment to boost my Shadowy and Dangerous (which are both still under 85 unboosted whereas my persuasive is 119…)
That is a great idea!
I ACQUIRED AN OVERGOAT. Or possibly an overgoat acquired me. I’m not sure. I have been grinding and saving up to buy that damn thing for months. If anyone wants to meet me for coffee I shall bring it with me. Maybe. (My name is Mnemosyne Lane, accepting contacts but out of slots for Acquaintances.)
Also I have invited a Presbyterate Diplomat to my Salon, and from the amount of Making Waves I got I think there might have been a riot.
Overgoat! That’s awesome.
I got to the point where I can go on expeditions in the Forgotten Quarter, which is fun, but expensive (I’ve been grinding hunting down cats for secrets all week). It looks like to advance in my ambition I’ll have to become a person of some importance and buy my own ship. The easiest way to do that would be to work on my Persuasive, which is around 80 right now, but I really just want to explore the Forgotten Quarter and maybe get into the University.
You & others can feel free to toss menace reduction requests my way (an_ocelot). Also requests for First City Coins or Parabolan Kittens.
Ugh being stuck in the tomb colonies is the worst. At least when my nightmares got too high it wasn’t that bad of a punishment to get back to normal. It took me forever for my scandal to drop enough to come home.
I read Tennyson to the lady tomb-colonist for HOURS and it did the trick, my Scandal went totally poof.
In other news, I am the biggest sucker for this tomb-colonist who wants someone to Cyrano him up some love poetry. I will do that card every time, even though it has long since stopped being a worthwhile challenge for my Persuasive. Anyone else have a card they can’t pass up?
@onewhitetulip
Ugh, I get migraines, too. Sorry to hear that you’re a fellow migraineur.
If you get anxiety attacks at night like me, I’ve found that Passionflower extract really does the trick at helping me sleep through the night (no side effects)
As for stress, I’ve been working on mindfulness – writing down negative thoughts or worries, and writing down why they are not true. Just catching when it starts so I can out-think it, replace it with positive thoughts, and maybe see where the stressors are starting (sounds like: work environment). I often avoid thinking about stressful things, so teaching myself to confront them and deal with them has been weirdly helpful.
Also, for migraines – I have several triggers including stress, but being strict about avoiding the ones I can control, like not eating certain things, staying hydrated, and getting on a regular sleep cycle, has been helpful.
Migraines are just awful, aren’t they? I haven’t heard of passionflower extract but I’ll look into it. Anxiety attacks seem to come riiiiight as I’m falling asleep.
Thank you for the mindfulness tips! I will try this. This will also give me an excuse to buy a new, beautiful journal.
I had a religious friend post on Facebook something about God’s “yolk” being easy. My husband and I spent a solid week at various times singing the relevant movement of Handel’s “Messiah” (“His Yoke is Easy”) and replacing the words with lyrics about eggs.
I really wish there were a way to type how I’m going e-e-e-e-e-e in my head right now.
The “Messiah” is the most fun thing ever to change the lyrics to. Our kids are going to be so confused when they hear the actual words eventually!
Fooooor the lord god preferrrrrs his eggs scraaaaambled
SCRAMBLED
SCRAMBLED
HALLELUIAH
HALLELUIAH!
One of my local casual-restaurant reviewers (so they cover a lot of diner food, including egg dishes) does not know that the word for eggs is yolk, which, y’know, not everybody knows everything. But their editor also does not know it, and that is UNACCEPTABLE.
That reminds me of my parents. At “And we like sheep have gone astray,” they sing:
And we like sheep,
we like sheep,
we like sheep.
We like sheep!
We like sheep!
And cows aren’t all bad!
His yooooolks are over e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-easy.
Hello this is going to be a hopefully-rare wedding post so, skip if that’s not your thing! (unrelated: Happy birthday, Bartender!)
To answer the bartender’s question, I had a friend come through for me in huge ways this year – we had always been very close but she just went above and beyond in listening to me and comforting me and being really good to me this year. She asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding with her cousins and I was beyond thrilled to find out she felt the same way and I can’t wait to be there for her and her wonderful to-be-husband next year.
Moving on to the wedding part, ugh MONEY. We have a few different options with the budget that we have/amount we could save, A, B, and C, and of course Mr. Polka Stripes likes A and C and I like B and C, but C requires us to save for another year which is a huge “con” and something I have yet to come to terms with. We appear to be at an impasse. I am considering taking another job to afford C in a year??? Which is ridiculous for many reasons, mostly because then I will have no time for any of the things I enjoy in my life and I don’t want to have a crappy year in order to have one nice day. The other option is to ask his parents for a specific amount of money (“$X will allow us to invite aunts and uncles, please?”) which is also not ideal.
I know, I know, you have to make tough decisions, guest list slicing and dicing or be engaged forever, hope people understand either way, but this is really not fun and a pox on my former coworker who told me “I loved planning my wedding! You’ll have a blast!” because I can’t put poxes on the people I actually want to put poxes on right now :/
Ouch! OK, if I were you, I would definitely not be taking on another job. There is a lot of stress that can be involved in wedding planning and I don’t think I’d want to take on another job just when that was ramping up. I’d sit down with the future Mr Polkastripes and figure out–what parts of this are the most important to you (venue, food, number of guests) and which aren’t (flowers, alcohol, music) and try to figure out what may be a workable plan. Maybe you would be able to do Option C, but Different Somehow?
I’m sorry, I have no other answer than “Talk more!” but….stay off Pinterest, maybe?
Oh man I don’t have a pinterest account because I would be GLUED to the internet! I would never leave pinterest, not even for the Toast. Thanks for your sympathy….I think what I’m so frustrated by is that we ALREADY want something simple (friends and family, to be married, food) and it’s still a struggle to make it happen. We’ll just have to ~get creative~ and spend more time researching, calling, negotiating, etc etc than we had planned and want to do if we really want to make C happen. Deep breaths…..
I agree, don’t get a second job — wedding planning is basically a second job in itself. If you devote the time you otherwise would to a 2nd job, you will have that time to spend planning and thinking and negotiating!
was making sigils for a work thing and I made this
I don’t know you, but I think I love you? Is that weird?
This is truly a thing of beauty.
Incredible!
If this was on a tote bag I’d pledge my ass off for one. Superb.
Vent time (at times like these, I wish I still kept up with my Livejournal):
I am a heartbeat away from giving my two weeks notice to this internship without having another job offer. Everything is so tedious and difficult, and I feel like drinking after every work day. My boss keeps messing with spreadsheets, making things uneven, and then expecting me to forensically analyze what he did so I can fix it. I ain’t getting paid enough for this, and it’s not like I have a full time job waiting for me here (not that I’d want it at this point). I’m deep in the process of interviews with two companies, but one has a lower set salary than I want and the other might hire me in 6 months. Another problem is that every time I submit for unpaid time off so I can go to an interview, my boss pushes back saying that every time is inconvenient. ARGH! I want to leave when I have another offer in my hand so no bridges are burned but I am getting QUITE impatient.
guys I should not be here, I am getting on a plane to Brazil in like five hours and this is my last day at work for a week, but people are talking about bras and books so it’s really not even my fault
Have a great time!! Rio is soooo beautiful, I am very jealous. Buy a bikini there & flaunt your bum cheeks & drink a caipirhina for me.
Thanks! Gonna do ALL of those things plus read like 100 books on the beach wooooooo
Hello lovelies, who would be interested in a Toastie Secret Santa? I was thinking we should send each other things somewhere between 0-20 USD for the holiday season and have a jolly good time about it.
Suggestions: Mixtapes! Cute stationery! Toasters! Egg poaching thingys! Portillo’s Italian beef sandwiches! Cookie mixes!
Thoughts?
I just got the most delightful chocolate and earrings in my toast post and I want to send little gifts to everyone now so YES I would love to participate in this.
Miiiine!
Thank you SO MUCH I loved everything! The map envelope is so cool, in particular. What is the postcard quote from? I did extensive googling but couldn’t figure it out.
It’s from “Quiz at the prison”, by Dino Buzzati, one of my favorite short stories (and authors)!
I’m in! I could make a paper, yarn or washi tape… thingie? Don’t know what yet.
love it!
I would be into that.
i just posted downthread, but…
is there any chance you are my toast post match, meg? you just sent me (yael) a postcard from your solo travels in japan? if so, when you wrote down your address on the first postcard you sent, it got smudged out and i don’t have a return address for you! but i want to write back!
if you are another meg…carry on! just trying my luck!
It was actually not me, I totally missed the whole toast post sign-up/matching! But I hope you find your other Meg!
aw bummer! it was worth a try! 🙂
I know who your Meg is! Email me and I will send you her info!
i just emailed you! thank youuuu
Sounds pretty fun! I would love to participate. Let me know if organizational help is needed.
Would you be open to Canadian residents? I would love to send/receive to other Canadians (or others who aren’t put off by prohibitive post!)
I would send to Canadians!
Canadians! I recently sent a package to Kazakhstan, and it was cheaper than sending a package to Halifax…. I had a lot of good reasons to hate Canada Post before, but that’s just really the nail in the coffin
Also Canadian, also want to participate! Whoever ends up organizing please email me – annisaprofessional at gmail dot com.
Me, too!!!!!
YES!
Yep!
Sign me up 🙂
I am going to be organizing one for the Boston Toasties, and one of our number suggested elfster.com to make it easier. I would love a giant Toast-wide secret Santa as well, so I hope you can make it happen!
Oh man that looks so much easier than the google docs + python route I was going down. Thanks!!
If you want Learned Lessons From Toast Posting, feel free to email me!
Yes. 🙂
I responded in the other thread (I think there was another thread?) about participating in a secret santa thing as long as hand-made gifts are allowed b/c I am broke as fuck unless more people throw down some cash in my Etsy shop. =b
Yes I would LOVE to do this although I am a very very slow mailer so people might not get their things from me until February. So obviously if that would bother people I should not participate. 🙂
YES
this is also just a signal boost to my toast penpal meg. MEG. MEG! i got a wonderful postcard from you and then another one from your vacation in japan (super cool, by the way) but when you put your return address down on the first postcard, it got scratched/smudged/stamped out. i want to write back!!! i am not being a dirtbag!
Yes Pls!
Yes! I’m in!
YES!
I’d love to participate!
Disclaimer: I am in Canada.
Yesssssss
me mememememe
yes plz!
Sounds delightful! I’d definitely be in.
yes!
I would love to be involved! I am in Australia (thus my chronically late comments) so understand if that doesn’t work, but am totally willing to mail across the globe 🙂 you can email me at evillaughter_bwahaha at hotmail dot com (oh to be 14 again).
I would be interested! I’m in the USA.
Our hero has one cigarette left!
Will she purchase another pack?
*blows smoke*
Find out next week…
(get a vaporizer)
Oh lord, I feel you. I was done, done, done with smoking last year and was doing so well. But then I decided to go back on Ritalin because LOL my life was falling apart and now I’m smoking like it’s my job. I have no idea how I’m going to hide it from my parents over thanksgiving.
Same, I never smoked until I started anti-depressants… maybe I should talk to someone about that…
Ha! The suspense!
I am the most hypocritical person EVER to wish you good luck on quitting, but good luck on quitting, bb.
Good luck! I am living testament that even the most devoted smoker can quit so thoroughly that it’s all but unthinkable I’ll ever have even a puff again, so if that’s something you’d like to do, consider yourself cheered on.
Ugh Toasties I hate November so much. It’s partially a mild case of SAD, partially because the insanity of the holidays is racheting up, and partially because I work for a University, so the fall quarter is entering its insane phase. Also my inlaws are high functioning narcissists and I have to see them later this week.
That plus my editor sent back my manuscript as a scanned document with her notes scribbled in the margins and I can’t get my own or the department’s printer to work so I have to go to the print shop like some sort of 90s undergraduate.
Also, I’m a (gold star! high achieving! minority woman!) UVA alum, and I am simultaneously unsurprised by the allegations, furious about the article, and livid at the University’s response to it (we can talk about this here if you want, but at this point in my life it has been talked to death and I’m just running over the same points and feeling sick).
But I did find and buy an original copy of the1947 Trader Vic’s cocktail manual this week, so I know what I’ll be doing in a few hours.
Hello Toastrons, please tell me your dog adoption stories!
I love dogs and my family always had dogs when I was growing up, but I’ve never been in a position in my adult life to have a pet, until recently. I’ve been holding off on getting a dog since I live in an apartment without outside space, though my landlord would be fine with pets. I have actively wanted a dog for the past 10 years and at this point I wonder if I’m just making excuses or afraid of responsibility or something…
Anyhow I want to talk about this with someone besides my boyfriend (to whom I often send adorable dog photos from the local shelter). Please tell me about when you decided to bring home a dog! Did anything work out differently about it than you’d thought? If you have a dog in an apartment, how much do you wish you had a yard?
Dogs!
I got semi-guilted into rescuing my dog by a friend of mine who does cat rescue, and had pulled some cats from a rural shelter about 5 hours north of Tucson, where I was living. There was a stray, obese, terrified male welsh corgi in there. She knew that I had grown up with the breed and after losing my childhood dog a year before, was talking about getting another one. I called the shelter at 4pm on Friday, and by noon on Saturday he was in my car coming home.
When I first brought him home, not only was he twice as heavy as he should have been (he was 67 lbs. His ideal weight is around 35lbs), he had major separation anxiety, and would follow me from room to room, and wait outside the shower for me. It took about 6 months of my leaving and returning for that behavior to stop, and about a year to lose all the weight. Now that he’s getting older, he has stomach issues that are causing him some serious pain, and I suspect are causing him to a bit more reactive than he used to be, but he is the best dog ever.
Here is a picture of him taken the day after I brought him home. Notice the brown marks on his paws from stress-licking. http://i.imgur.com/mLutuSQ.jpg
Here is a picture of him from this summer, being a Germany fan.
Aw, look at his face! What a cute little guy. Separation anxiety is something I’d be concerned about since I travel for work pretty regularly. It’s reassuring to hear that though it took awhile it did get better. My trips are usually for 2-3 days at a time every 2 months, and I live with my boyfriend (who generally works from home) so it would be doable, but it makes me think I’d have occasion to rely on dog sitters or kennels if we both happened to be away at the same time.
Well, I have a dogsitter who specializes in ‘velcro dogs’ and dogs with separation anxiety. It might be worth checking to see if there are similar services where you are.
Aww! Puppies! I adopted my little booger earlier this year. We got him in June, he was about 3 months old. We got him at the Humane Society, and when we got there we arrived right after feeding so all the little puppies were asleep. We just walked around the puppy pens looking at them to see which ones appealed to us visually, and this little guy just got me right in the heart. He was half awake and kind of groggy, and I asked to pick him up and old him, and he was very clearly scared, but after about a minute where I just held him close and stroked his back gently he picked up his little head and licked my face and I was won. I never put him down after that, I just held him while my husband did the paperwork and all that. He was called Jimmy Kimmel at the kennel, but we took him home and named him Indiana.
He is now eight months old and he’s grown to about 60 pounds and he is sweet, smart, loving, and sometimes a little butthead–but he’s a puppy, it’s to be expected. He housetrained quickly and he chews like a pro, so we’re having trouble finding toys that last a good amount of time for him, but I have no regrets. He’s the best purchase I’ve ever made. I love my little Indy. <3
I did wait until I had a house with a yard before I got him, but only because I hated the apartment we were in previously and didn’t think I wanted to bring a little puppy in there where the neighbors already got shitty about noise when we had the game on too loud, never mind puppy whining or barking.
Puppies! I knew my childhood dog was the pup for us when he was the one out of the litter to run right over to us at the humane society.
I’m lucky in that my apartment is the only one in the building and the rest of the units are commercial space, and due to the weird layout any noise we create isn’t really a problem. However, we do live right next to both a massive highway (ugh) and a fire station which are both unpredictably noisy at all hours, and I imagine that a dog could really be bothered by it. Or maybe they’ll just grow to tune it out like we do now? The constant noise and lack of yard mean that I’m plotting how soon we can move somewhere else, which right now is looking like next spring at the earliest. Having waited 10 years to get a dog, I don’t know why it’s driving me a little nuts to wait 6 more months!
Not my personal experience, but if you’re worried about training and housebreaking your dog see if there’s a prison in your area that has a dog-training program. It’s a good form of therapy for the inmates and the dog comes to you already trained. I know someone who adopted their dog through one of these and it’s a really great dog.
We adopted both our dogs from the pound, after seeing them on Petfinder. The first one (Tuva) we got when we were still pretty young and unsettled, although we did have easy access to outdoor space. We got Saami three years later, and she’s been more of a handful, but in a super cute scamp type of way.
If you adopt a young dog, be prepared to not get a lot of sleep until they’re old enough to make it through the night without bathroom breaks.
I am of the opinion that as long as you are committed to being this dog’s family for the rest of its life, you will be doing a good thing by adopting. The dog will pretty much teach you responsibility, and if you’re worried about it, you’re already on the right track.
Get 2! Dogs are not built to be alone. Unless you work from home, get 2 small dogs. Not necessarily simultaneously, but within a few months. Most undesirable behaviors are the result of lonliness or boredom. Having 2 dogs eliminates both.
Small dogs get sufficient exercise racing around the apartment. With 2 they chase each other spontaneously. Local parks provide weekend exercise.
Good for you for adopting!
We adopted from a local shelter, but after we’d already gone to some adoption open houses of a local rescue group and gotten on the same page with each other on what we wanted in a dog.
In retrospect it probably might’ve been a little better to go with a dog from the rescue group because they foster them and thus get a better sense of what they’re like; the dog we got from the shelter was an owner turn-in and the information about her socialization was not really accurate.
So there’s my advice: find a rescue group and talk to them. (Also be prepared for rather startlingly invasive questionnaires.)
My parents have two rescue dogs and getting them was two pretty different experiences.
The first one they got from the SPCA when they went to go look at this pretty female Rottie. I guess the staff figured we were a nice family who wasn’t afraid of big dogs from breeds with bad reputations, because they told us “no, no, don’t look at her we have a way better dog” and showed us this massive, young male rottie-pitbull cross. He had been at the shelter for 6 months because he looked pretty intimidating but he is the sweetest, mellowest, most affectionate dog ever and everyone who spends any time with him loves him. So if you’re going to get a shelter dog and breed/appearance isn’t important, ask the staff for recommendations!
Their other dog was from the pound, who had picked her up two days before. She seemed very sweet and immediately started cuddling up to my dad so we brought her home. It turns out she had some behavioural issues (you couldn’t speak directly to her or look directly at her for more than a second or two without her running to hide). But after a little work and some time she is practically completely better and is such a sweetheart.
I adopted a lab/pit mix who was around a year old when I was living in an apt. It was a lot of work, to this day he still has greeting issues especially with other dogs, but overall very worth it. (We also have a corgi now as well, we thought she would help him be distracted / calm down, now they are both troublemakers).
We are really lucky to have my parents nearby, who will look after them when we travel. Boarding dogs is super expensive!
I misread it as “feral judge” and laughed. SO happy for you, hugpunch!
There’s a lot of wilderness in Montana; I wouldn’t be surprised if there were a few feral judges out there, roaming the wilds, surveying our civilization from afar and occasionally popping in to a courthouse to right its wrongs.
Congrats, hugpunch!
My project group lead quit last week, leaving me to juggle his responsibility as well as my own. And another lead isn’t going to be named until sometime in the new year. I enjoy the technical aspect of everything, but man, coordinating and attending meetings blows.
I have to rant and get something off my chest.
So my job is a place where customer sends personalized art to get slapped on various products. There is usually a department that makes sure offensive or copyrighted materials aren’t passed through. So somehow a piece of “art” gets through that mocks the death of Mike Brown.
The person working on it shows it off as “How the fuck did this pass?”
There was a few nervous laughs about how that’s fucked up but nothing else. I’m the only one saying, “That is disgusting, that shouldn’t be printed on at all.” To which my coworker shrugs and says, “I’m not easily offended,” and goes on to work on it.
I spent the rest of the day fuming and really saw my co-workers in a new light. I didn’t know to whom or where to report something like this and felt my complaints wouldn’t be taken seriously. My only solace is that I’ll be leaving this job in a few months.
I’m not naive enough to think I’ll find a perfect job that saves the world, but it would be nice if I can work in a place that is not so gross.
I think a lot of that complacency is from the “chain of command” thing. You should totally rise above it, and send the design back to the approval department with a “WTF” post-it note stuck to it. But also you don’t have to think the worst of your co-workers, necessarily; maybe they have reasons not to stick a toe out of line. 🙁
I actually am going to report once I find someone I feel I can trust. I just needed a few hours to settle down.
As for my co-workers, I can’t help but judge a response like “I’m not easily offended” to something mocking a dead teenager. I don’t think all my co-workers are douchbags, but damn.
I think you’re being wise letting your immediate fight-or-flight response settle down before you take the steps you’re planning — emphatically not because this isn’t something to be upset about; it is something to be VERY upset about — but because you’ll be clear-headed and effective. Thanks so much for speaking up about this; it’s appalling and you’re right to speak.
a cleansing fire wouldn’t be out of place here
That is a severely disappointing situation. Not only because someone submitted something so awful, but also the “I’m not easily offended” comment. I kinda think that’s just another way of saying “I’m an uncaring asshole” but that’s just one Toastie’s opinion.
Hopefully you can veto this bullshit asap and send this “design” back to the bowels of Hell from whence it came.
Question for Toasties in Academia:
Mr.Imogen is having a crisis of confidence as it pertains to applying to PhD programs. Particularly, he is concerned about his ability to do well on the GRE, coming from a Master’s program that is not particularly robust, and his very limited number of presentations/publications. He’s not going into anything quantitative. He is incredibly intelligent and articulate, his graduate committee thinks he’s great, he’s been the sole instructor for the highest enrollment course in his program for the last five semesters…
I am struggling to be encouraging without telling him he’s crazy for doubting himself so much. He thinks I am being naive in my belief that he’s a good candidate. Any words of advice or opinion would be very welcome!
Grad school is hard, and if you don’t doubt the decision a little I’m pretty sure you’re not doing it right. The thing I always tell potential grad students is that you have to want it and if you don’t then that’s going to be obvious to everyone. As long as he’s projecting enthusiasm people will notice.
Seriously though, I’m still not 100% sure how I got into grad school for my MA (I’m finishing my PhD now…like defending in two weeks now, I’m putting off working on my dissertation by hanging out in the open thread…). My grades were, shall we say, not stellar as an undergrad and my GRE’s were fine, but not remarkable. But my advisor saw something in me and took a chance. So tell him not to sweat it too much, it will work out if it’s meant to be, but he’ll never know if he doesn’t try.
Thank you! That matches my thoughts on the subject, and it’s nice to know I’m not just making up platitudes. Good luck with your defense!!!
Thank you! If I can get this dang chapter done in the next week or so I’ll be golden! It sounds like you’re right on track, but maybe it will help him to hear it from someone else as well (even if they are a random internet stranger)!
When I was applying to grad school for architecture (which does contain some amount of actual math), the general feedback I got from admissions committee people was that GRE scores were pretty much just a general cutoff, and once you got over the threshold they didn’t care at all what your scores were and your portfolio/ other qualifications were the big deal. Some of his advisors or professors should be able to give him an idea of how much/ whether the GRE matters in his field, which at least could help on the directly test related anxiety front.
Thank you!
Just popping by to let y’all know I’m a hip young person who just figured out Liam and Chris Hemsworth were brothers two days ago
BROTHERS WHO CAN BOTH GET IT
the worst part is that I’m super about hot brothers!
(okay no, the worst part is definitely still how long this took me, but that’s the second-worst part)
I need a smoking hot dress for a holiday party and I suck at shopping and I’m also a weird size #TallPeopleProblems
ASOS has a new line for tall people and they usually have affordable sexy dresses. I mean, like 30% of them will have star shaped cut outs and leopard print capes and shit but you just have to sift through that.
Also I really want a dress with a leopard print cape now.
With a star shaped cutout, YES
Now I’m considering pitching a listicle of imaginary ASOS dresses to the Toast.
if your credit limit can swing it, buy a bunch of dresses online and then have a couple glasses of wine with a friend and fashion show at home. Return and repeat as necessary!
6’2″ with a black belt in online shopping reporting in. *cracks knuckles*
Seconding the ASOS recommendation. I don’t know what your size is, but I have also found that the ASOS Curve (plus-size) line fits me well length-wise in tops and dresses. They also have a shit-load of choices. Alloy would also be a good place to check out. They have some cute tall sizes for dresses and they’re cheap. Long Tall Sally has a awesome capsule collection going on right now that goes up to size 12 or 14 (they also have larger sizes as well, if that’s needed). You can also check out tallwomen.org/clothing for a huge list of online retailers both in the US and worldwide that offer tall sizes.
Good luck, and let us know what you pick out!
Edit: Oops this was supposed to be a reply to an earlier comment! Don’t how it wound up here.
When I had my son (exactly a year ago today!!!), a friend brought over pre-cooked dumplings and it was great. I froze half and kept half in the refrigerator. They are small, easy to eat with one hand (as previously mentioned in this thread), and contain vegetables, meat and carbs all in one package. Also I love dumplings.
Recipes: http://steamykitchen.com/5849-chinese-boiled-pork… http://www.thekitchn.com/how-to-make-asian-dumpli…
Any former band/orchestra geeks out there who picked up their instrument after a long hiatus?
I was the whole band geek package in high school/undergrad, even going so far as to get a useless music degree before coming to my senses about needing a real job. I didn’t play for YEARS, until I finally dusted off the clarinet a few years ago to play with a community band. I’ve since moved on to play with a different couple of groups, and it’s just been so lovely to play with other people and have a reason to practice.
I’ve got a concert this weekend – we’re going to murder the March in Hindemith’s Symphonic Transformations. It’s going to be fun!
I would love to pick up my saxophone again, but I live in an apartment with thin walls and I am several years out of practice.
However, I do plan on moving to Seattle next year and I would dearly love to join something like the Chaotic Noise Marching Corp.
So yay you! for performing again. I really miss it.
Also, I just posted the event on my Facebook page, and now I’m freaking out because people might be going. No one ever goes to these concerts. And… we’re not that great, tbh? Better brush up on my solo, just in case. Eeep.
My flute is still kicking around – now that I’m in a house instead of an apartment I should totally pick it back up, even though my embouchure is totally shot.
Not at all the same instrument, but – I played clarinet through high school and have recently started teaching myself harp. Turns out I never really did learn to read music! I have a good ear, and in a group I can learn the music and match up pretty well, but sheet music is hard.
I haven’t yet, but I recently moved a) back to my hometown and b) into a house of my own instead of an apartment, so I’ve been thinking it’s about time to bring the harp back into my life (it’s been living at my parents’ house). I might even see if I can find someone who’s willing to give me a few “re-beginner”-level lessons; that’d make me feel more prepared to join a community orchestra or something.
Wish I could. I played french horn for 8 years but never owned one. My lung capacity and upper-body strength miss marching band.
It cost $875 to fix my car. I was expecting around the $200 range. I am currently flush with sadness and anger about money.
YIKES
I’m so sorry. Unexpected bills like that really take the wind out of my sails, not just financially but emotionally. How are you doing?
Wind out my sails is a good way to describe it, emotionally deflated. Like I know there are worse situations to deal with but I’m unhappy in many ways because I was already so sick of commuting to work, and this just amplifies that to the point where I want to quite my job. I will not move to this town, my apartment/neighborhood/city is home now.
If it helps last month I had an unexpected expensive car thing AND my computer bit the dust so I had to by a new one (mac laptops are hella expensive) so I’m totally right there with you on the money stress/anger train.
OUCH.
The dog just had an unexpected $800 vet bill, so I feel you.
Also, my psoriasis flared up in a huge way and I’m itchy all over all the time (not an exaggeration). Not trying to win this complaint competition, just getting it out there. I’m sorry to hear about your^ dog and sorry about your^^ laptop (mainly, I know those things are way more $) and sorry about your^^^ car also. Just throw it all on our credit cards and take solace in the fact that we don’t have to pay it off after we die. That makes us feel better right? The solace of eternal rest. Okay I have to shut up now.
Ugh, that sounds miserable! I hope you have some effective treatment for that!
I have been reading the Toast since oh, day one? And never commented! Because I have avoided being sucked into commenting communities since Jezebel turned terrible! But the temptation. It has proven too great for me, and here I am.
Welcome to the collective.
Leave your men here to the left, your hair will embiggen once you pass over the threshold.
Embiggened hair would be welcomed at this time of year. I go a little flat without the humidity!
What has been done can never be undone. You are One Of Us.
Welcome, fellow Rachel!
A fellow Jez ex-pat! We are legion.
We are everywhere, aren’t we? I was CollegeBookworm back then, which was also when I was in college. I was a total baby feminist on Jezebel from like 07-09.
OH HAIIIIIIIII RACHELLLLL (it’s elitza!)
OH WAIT HAIIIIII I know you 😀
AWW YISSSS now we can talk on at least two different platforms which is pretty rad!
I’d say welcome, but you’ve always been one of us. So, welcome to your new speaking role, I guess. Thanks for delurking! How does it feel? Any different?
Happy birthday Bartender! Happy birthday other November birthday Toast-peoples!
We have had a wild two weeks because of the drama at our daughter’s school with her amazing teacher getting fired. One of the results of all our complaining was that one of the Assistant Superintendents of the district invited us to get credentialied as a substitute teacher, and is streamlining the process for us. So even though things at the school have calmed down some, we are going ahead and doing it, because having the credential without having to jump through all of the hoops does open some doors towards making money if we need to start making money. We have taken the state standards exam and gotten TB tested and now it’s just the background check and signing the paperwork… and then we’ll see if we ever make it into a classroom or not.
Meanwhile our son turned two, and today there is a Thanksgiving party at his preschool (in just about an hour) AND a Thanksgiving party in the park near our daughter’s school being held by the teacher who was fired so he can say goodbye to the students and stuff. And then tonight is going to be date night with our partner although since he was out clubbing until 2am last night it might be ‘fall asleep watching Person of Interest’ night.
FINALLY — thank you 1000 times to everyone who has sent me postcards for Toast Post, it makes me SO HAPPY every time one comes in the mail. I have a big stack of cards here with me right now that I am going to start sending out to my long-suffering matches as soon as I finish reading the Open Thread. I am even in the cafe right by the post office!
You would be great teachers!
So I just finished my thesis proposal to send to a prospective adviser, and I’ve been holding off all morning on actually sending it because what if it’s bad and she doesn’t accept me? I really do not have any sort of backup plan in place for what else I’d propose or who I’d pitch it to. And I think my actual idea needs some work, although my writing is solid.
UGH. Someone tell me to just email it already. Although if I don’t send it, I can’t be rejected. Foolproof strategy.
All joking and gifs aside, I am the graduate student secretary in an English department and I’m just gonna say this once: SEND THE DAMN PROPOSAL. If your advisor gives it a thumbs-down, you’ve got T-giving break to wail, gnash your teeth, and get plastered in misery. Then you’ll pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and work on a new, even better proposal for her or someone else.
Go. Go now. Do it. DO IT.
I sent it! Now I’m of course frantically re-reading the email I sent along with it because I’m convinced I must have spelled her name wrong, or my name wrong, or attached a draft of a fanfic instead of my actual proposal.
Thank you for nudging me, it is appreciated.
Feel free to attach fanfic drafts here, though.
UGH. Someone tell me to just email it already.
Email it already. It’s probably great, and if it isn’t, just sitting on it isn’t improving it any. Did you work on it? Do you think it’s appropriate? Then send it. You’ll do swell.
I just hit the button and I feel accomplished but now my stomach is all knotted. Is 3:30 too early to pour myself a drink?
I mean, you already did your work for the day, right? YOU SENT YOUR THESIS PROPOSAL.
I might not be the right person to ask: earlier this week, at ~10 a.m. on a blessed free day after pulling an all-nighter, I was getting some cheese out of the fridge when my eye lit upon a bottle of cider and I thought “… well, it’s not like I’m working today.” I didn’t end up having breakfast cider, but it was more than a flicker of thought.
I mean, didn’t people drink beer and cider for breakfast back in Ye Olden Times as a regular thing? We could bring that back.
That was exactly my thought as I prepared my meal of a rough hunk of bread and a chunk of sharp cheddar. Cider would only have been appropriate. (Those drinks were less potent than the mass-produced beers and wines we drink now, so it’s a different proposition. But still!)
Cider is basically fizzy apple juice, right? Perfectly breakfast appropriate.
Fizzy apple juice with 5% alcohol by volume, and I start giggling about halfway through one 12-ounce bottle.
Happy birthday Bartender! Scorpios unite!
You know, I was thinking the other day that Nicole is like the Website Editor Version of Mrs Ray in the Betsy-Tacy books: she is truly fair and kind and gracious to everyone and she always knows the right thing to do.
Is anyone else watching Constantine? I accidentally got myself hooked on it, to the point that it’s the only tv show I’m currently watching in a timely fashion. (Sorry, Person of Interest, but I enjoy marathoning you more than keeping up week to week.) I can see all the problems and all the flaws and yet I still feel compelled to watch practically every episode twice. Last week’s episode surprised the hell out of me because I didn’t think they’d go anywhere near as far as the original comic did with that storyline.
Am I alone?
I haven’t watched any of it, but your comment that indicates you’re a reader of the original comic and you’re hooked is very compelling.
My standards for watching a particular type of television show are also very low.
I am (as is my wife). I haven’t read the comics though. It is very flawed but I’m willing to give it a chance. Sometimes it takes a little while for these types of shows to find thier footing. Are you watching Grimm too? Also enjoyable, another show that definitely improved over time.
It definitely is flawed, though I feel like it’s been improving (at least in some areas). I’m hoping NBC gives it more time to improve.
And no, I don’t watch Grimm. The pilot bored me and I never finished it, though judging by some of the bits I’ve seen since then, it may have turned into something I’d like by now. If I skip the rest of the pilot.
Yeah, Grimm is one that took a little bit to get good, but I like it a lot now. They’ve created a pretty good mythology. The supporting cast (Monroe and later Rosalee) are really good.
Constantine 1×04 definitely stepped it up a notch.
Also was it just me, or was the final act pretty homoerotic? Do we think they were former lovers?
Definitely not just you. Not sure I’d go all the way to lovers, but I think there was something a bit more than hero worship in the past.
Of course, for a show whose producers went all ‘yeah, we might show onscreen that John is bisexual in like 10 years or something’, I sure do find a lot of homoerotic moments going on. And I’m not even trying.
Hair question! I have been vaguely (vaguely vaguely) considering getting a body wave perm once my (100% straight) hair grows out a bit more. Has anyone done this? (honestly, the word “perm” terrified me, but I recently saw an article by a beauty blogger who got this kind of perm, and it doesn’t look perm-y at all — actually, it just looks like nicely-tousled style blogger waves, which I am eternally envious of.)
Has anyone had positive experiences in this realm?
Oh, I’m curious about this too! I also have your hair and what if we could have tousled beach waves??? Just imagine…
I know! I am captivated by the possibility. The blogger in question went to the Arrojo salon (their “brand” is called the American wave, which is a silly name):
http://arrojonyc.com/article/want-texture-get-ame…
She (the blogger) had thicker hair with a slightly different texture than mine (mine is fine and medium-thick, if that) but some of the people on that site have more similar hair textures to mine (by the looks of it).
My friend just had this done two weeks ago and it did NOT go well (she ended up getting a full refund). Her hair is pretty thick and a little coarse, and she wanted loose curls verging on waves. It ended up being WAY curlier than what she wanted, except underneath in the back where it was still straight, and she’s not happy with the texture of her hair now. She’s just been blowing it out straight.
I have fine hair and when I talked to a couple of different stylists last year because I also wanted loose curls/waves, they all told me it would be worthless unless I got a traditional perm with tight curls because the loose curls would fall out really quickly and I’d probably just end up with a bunch of frizzy, straight hair.
There does seem to be a lot of variety in people’s experiences, so just get a consultation or two first and find a salon that specializes in body waves.
I got a regular perm a few years ago (not really sure what a body perm is?) but I wanted looser waves to help volumize my sad flat hair. And…I liked it? It lasted a long time, it was maybe a bit curlier than I wanted, but that can be adjusted by the size of curler they put in your hair along with the chemicals.Most perms today are not like the ones many years ago, though it doesn’t exactly look natural. It didn’t hurt my hair in any obvious way. Though it was kind of a bitch to style. It was nice for a while, but nothing I can’t get with a curling iron.
Personal finance? I had some friends of my parents’ over for dinner on Friday, and they got a bit aggressive about us buying property, even though they’re so house poor my mother has had to buy them groceries in the past. Owning above all else! Best investment you can make! I guess our fat investment accounts aren’t as obvious as a nice house or condo, but god, critical thinking please middle-aged friends of my folks’.
At this point I pretty much treat anyone advocating home ownership as an “investment” the same way I would that person bragging about how they’ve arranged to inherit a Nigerian prince’s millions.
ha thank you! i’ll keep that in my head for next time
ever since I moved into a co-op, I no longer even want to buy property. co-ops are the best of both worlds!
I want a car now though.
I met with some friends the other day that all bought houses around the same time I did, 4ish years ago. We are all tired of the maintenance and are in various stages of planning to sell our houses and go back to renting. Home ownership is hard and not for everyone, I’m saying.
The local science-fiction-convention-ish thing was last weekend. I am on the organizing committee, so I’m glad that it’s done for another year, and I am slowly catching up on sleep. Also I’m a bit worried because we had pretty low attendance this year.
Someone keyed my car 🙁
Is there an easy fix? It’s a 17-year old car, so I might just leave it. 🙁
I’m sorry. I have no advice, but I wanted to offer my sympathy.
Last week someone threw a giant rock at my windshield and destroyed it.
What? That’s crazy. I’m so sorry.
I had that happen! Only they bashed it a couple of times then bounced if off my hood. Damn kids.
“Easy” depends how athletic you’re feeling but I find a good kneecapping usually keeps it from happening again.
Sharpie in the appropriate color makes it a lot less noticeable AND if you hate it, doesn’t prevent other techniques.
They make touchup paint pens- you can usually find them in the automotive section at Walmart (Target is usually hopeless) or probably actual automotive stores, or someplace like here: http://www.automotivetouchup.com/paintpen.asp
I have never used one, but I am considering doing something with one to deal with the dent that someone put into my car the same week I wound up with an enormous crack in my windshield >:(
My fond hope for the next month is that the depressive symptoms I’ve had for the past month were purely caused by a mismatched birth control and not some underlying problem. I am now off birth control entirely–since it was only supposed to help with PMS and it did the opposite of helping with PMS–and trying two weeks per month of Prozac for PMDD to help with that anxiety instead. Anyway I’m hoping that my general motivation to do stuff and things will recover soon. It’s been missing, recently.
I had that experience with birth control, and I stupidly waited to go off it until I was having panic attacks every day. I found that it took about a month for things to really improve, and another two months to be totally back to normal. So don’t freak out if you don’t see improvement immediately.
TOASTIES i am exhausted of entitled parents raising children who have no respect for the property or feelings of others- please share any uplifting tales about how your kids are kind and amazing 🙂
Her first-grade teacher tells us that SteelyKid regularly helps out the other kids at her table when they’re having trouble with work?
ETA: Also I just had to dissuade her from giving $5 to a pal because the pal apparently bet on a Pokemon game with money the pal didn’t have.
I have a trip coming up that has the potential to spiral into “hey ladies” territory.
My roommate/best friend/soulmate/bosom companion is spending Christmas with one of her sisters in Germany, and she planned to travel around Europe a bit afterwards and into the New Year. Her coworker who she’s close to decided to tag along for part of it, so the trip became Germany -> Paris -> Scotland. At this point I decided I wanted to go – I haven’t traveled much, but I’m trying to make it more of a priority, I’m 24 and single and I will never have less responsibility in my life than I do now, I can put the plane tickets on a credit card, etc. And I really do want to see Scotland. Then, the third member of Roommate’s work team joined in. Roommate is going to Germany, Coworker #1 is joining her in Paris, and Coworker #2 and I will join them in Scotland.
Now. Here is where I get kind of anxious, and/or become kind of a dick. I want to go to Scotland because I’m interested in the scenery, the history, the culture, the legends, the architecture. Roommate and Coworkers want to go to Scotland because they’ve all watched Outlander. Neither of these reasons is more valid than the other! But the thing is, we’ve been talking about what we want to do, and if I mention, like, the callanish standing stones, I can’t get more than a few words out before they start shrieking about Outlander. Again, not a bad thing in itself, Outlander’s great, but not high on my priority list, and not why I’m interested in the stones. I feel disconnected, and weird for being a geek about the British Isles, and I feel like I’m going to have to do a lot of work to get Holyrood Abbey on our itinerary, and even if I do I’ll have to learn about its history accompanied by a chorus of squeals.
Are these dick feelings a dick would have? Toasties you can tell me if I am being a wang, I will accept it. What can I do to make myself feel more prepared for traipsing around the Hebrides with the Hey Ladies?
I have no real advice but this reminds me of a terrible annoying experience my best friend had while we were in college and studying abroad. She visited Paris with a bunch of her study abroad roommates (there were… I forget how many, but it was too many) and they went to the Louvre, like you do. My friend is an artist and total art nerd, so she was basically in heaven. MEANWHILE, her roommates trailed around after her like bored children for an hour, then announced that it was time to leave because “getting crepes in Paris is on our bucket list.” My friend, not normally an assertive person in the least, was like HELL NAW THIS IS THE LOUVRE ARE U KIDDING ME, so her roommates just left her there by herself for the rest of the day while they presumably got crepes and talked about how cute they were or whatever.
Obviously not a huge deal and my friend still got to see all the art and whatever, but I guess what I’m saying is I totally get judging people for their whacked out travel priorities. If you’re a wang, I’m a wang too!
Also, Scotland is the SHIT, you’re gonna have the best time!!!!
I have done a wee bit of travelling with friends, here are my suggestions.
1. Hash out a broad itinerary together. i.e. 1st week, Germany, 2nd week Paris, 2 days in London etc.
2. Now you’ve got the broad itinerary, figure out what part of that YOU want to be on. Remember, you don’t have to spend the whole trip all together. If they want to spend 4 days here, and you want to visit somewhere else, split up for a bit, and then meet up in the next place.
3. When you’re all together in place X, think of the things that you want to do there. Sometimes everyone will want to do the same things, sometimes everyone wants to go to different places, and sometimes some want to go to a place, others don’t mind, and everyone goes together.
Basically, no, you are not a dick. Travelling together can go really well, but you need to be clear about the things that are important to you (as do your friends).
Your priorities are your priorities and their priorities are their priorities and as long as nobody is putting value judgements on those priorities, nobody is being an asshole. Just…be prepared to see some stuff on your own? And maybe bring earplugs or an iPod for when you can’t escape the fangirl squeeing.
I’m just gonna put this out there and walk away: traveling alone is GREAT.
I would say takea good raincoat with you, and stride off in the direction of what you want to do when you get there. As others are saying, you don’t have to be joined at the hip all the time
First, these are not dick feelings. Next, I second whoever said that it’s ok to split up at times. It’s ok to split up! In fact, it can be preferable. My husband and I traveled in Scotland a bit with another couple, and one day husband and I went to see a castle, some history things etc and the other couple spent the day hanging out in cafes eating pastries. We met up for dinner, perfectly happy.
I’m getting a divorce from my partner of 10 years, the latest event in what seems like 2 years of nonstop loss. I am depressed and have panic attacks and I am scared and so fucking lonely sometimes.
My husband and I used to do this thing. If I was feeling extremely sad or anxious I’d be like “Everythings gonna be OK, right?” or “Do you think everything will be ok?” and he’d say “Yeah, of course” or something like that and, I dont know why, it always helped. So I was hoping maybe one of y’all could help me out… I just wanna know, do you think everythings gonna be OK?
I’m sure it will be. Stay strong and hang in there. <3
I’m sorry, what a hard time you’re in right now. But sometime, this hard time will have passed. It is going to be okay. Everything’s going to be okay. You are going to be okay.
Yes. You will get through this. You will not be just okay. You will be good. You will be strong. You will learn and grow and come out of this more powerful and stable than you can imagine right now. We are all pulling for you and it is going to be okay.
It will be. I mean, not EVERYTHING will be okay, and it won’t all be okay just yet, but that’s okay. What matters is that you’re surviving. You will pick up some great books that calm you down when you feel lonely and panicked. You will try new things that you wouldn’t have done in the past when your life was different, and some of those things will be amazing.
In the meantime, here are some pictures of tiny animals. https://www.flickr.com/photos/specklet/sets/72157…
Tiny animals? How did you know?
Internet hugs for you. I’m in a particularly lonely spell right now too and am deliberately trying to reach out, which is hard. But I’m pretty sure it’ll be OK.
At my username dot com there’s an email address if you ever want to chat.
Its so hard. If it helps, I’ve found the more I disclose to friends, the better things are. I worry about being a bummer, or a burden, or whatever, but in every case its made my relationships closer (or at minimum, not affected them negatively).
I agree. It’s hard to get over the initial hurdle of talking about it, but it seems to be getting easier the more I do it.
Thanks guys. It worked this time too!
Right now things may seem rotten, but eventually they will be ok and more than ok. You’re going to be GREAT.
If you’re in central Texas, I’ll take you out for drinks. No matter where you are, I care. I’m sorry there has been so much loss. Please be kind to yourself.
You are so caring. I really appreciate it. It makes me feel good to know that you are in the world, caring about people.
I think everything will turn out just fine. (When I’m feeling particularly hopeless, I ask Boyfriend to tell me about the rabbits.)
Just wanted to say that I’m so sorry you’re having such a hard time and echo what others have said: everything will be okay again Things *will* get better.
Here’s a picture of a quokka: http://www.reshareworthy.com/wp-content/uploads/2…
Hello Wisconsin Toasties! I know this is going to be way back on the 3rd page, but I have created a Facebook group for fellow Toast fans in Wisconsin. Come and join us so we can plan a get-together! In light of the recent elections, I really need more amazing and hilarious feminist people in my life. : /
https://www.facebook.com/groups/328075834050365/
I will not describe my unexpected-kindness in detail, but it’s enough to say that it hits the intersection of health and money in a way that makes me feel most vulnerable and ashamed, and that it ended with me crying tears of gratitude at a bureaucrat’s desk and her saying “I love my job.” It’s still requiring a lot of follow-up work from me, but I am so, so grateful.
Happy birthday season, Bartender! Your cake looks gorgeous!
Hi Toasties! Nice things that have happened recently: clothes shopping for work outfits with my mum for my new job starting soonish, followed by a massive italian meal in Carluccio’s nom nom.This weekend am v excited to be going to an all-day event of feminist seminars and chats organised by a women-only kinda secret group in London, to which I was surprise-invited based on my ranty facebook posts. WIN. So excited for that! (I have since been spreading the joy by surprise-inviting other UK feminists too)
Hope your weekends go swimmingly. When is Thanksgiving? I do Christmas so got a little way to go yet!
Oh I’m also pushing Texts from Jane Eyre under people’s noses while pointing and snort-laughing. They usually get it too 🙂
Guess who’s typing on a new keyboard! Because the office manager deemed the old one so grossly covered with crumbs it had to be thrown away! Oh man I felt like I was 12.
hahaha, I examined my keyboard yesterday and thought to myself that I am the most disgusting human alive.
I’m familiar with that 12 feeling, but if it makes you feel any better, I was meticulous about avoiding my keyboard whenever I was eating, and I tried cleaning under my keys just for kicks a few months ago, and there was enough cat hair under there to knit a pair of mittens. I think they’re just magnets for dust/debris/what-have-you.
Memberships to museums or subscriptions to magazines have been good present options of mine. Tickets to a theater or dance season too. Takes up no space, and if they don’t use it at least the museum or theater gets the revenue.
Last year we did a yankee swap with all the relatives and each gift included, one book, one other thing and one food or drink. it worked out really perfectly. There were no bad gifts, some people went themed- like a cookbook, a spice that matched the cookbook and a spatula, some people went random- card game, silly book, bottle of fancy beer, etc. I think that’s going to be my general approach for most people from here on out.
I got an email from daisy who was having a rough time in the link roundup the other day. She said she might not make it to the open thread in time, and she’s “not exactly ok,” but she’s still here.
I am really, really happy to hear that. I saw her post a bit late but have been thinking about her this whole time. Stay strong, daisy!
Please tell her we’re thinking of her and sending her good vibes.
Thanks so much for letting us know — and daisy, if you see this, thanks for being so thoughtful by reaching out. I know sometimes it takes a lot of energy to do that, and you can use your energy however it best gets you through.
Daisy, it’s OK. Keep in touch with Lauren. Do just that much, please. We’re here for you. That includes waiting for you to be ready for us.
I’m forwarding your comments to her since it’s damn near impossible to find things in IntenseDebate after the fact, and I want to make sure she sees them. I’ll keep you all posted.
(Also, she told me I could let you all know the above — did not post this w/o her consent.)
Ah, also, I just realized it was in the “Signs you hate winter” post, not a link roundup, in case anyone is looking for it and is confused.
All I want to do is talk about Jane the Virgin because it’s amazing. Please tell me there are other people here who want the same.
I LOVE that show! Everyone on it is so great. Are we supposed to forgive Michael for saying they couldn’t start their life together with a baby??? Because I have not.
Michael is obviously evil. Is it a coincidence they keep putting the Sin Rostro captions over his face? (Probably.)
Rogelio is my favorite. His adorable/terrifying homemade baby picture! Ordering his assistants to bow when they met Jane! He’s amazing.
Rogelio is SO GREAT. Someone made him a twitter account (I think the writers) and they’ve got the voice down pat.
WHAT IF MICHAEL IS SIN ROSTRO
I think a bigger problem is the lying and gaslighting. I feel sorry for him, cause he was/is stuck in a shitty situation where he has pretty much zero control over what happens. But I’m pretty sure I’m in the minority on this.
YES I love it so much!!!!! Jane particularly is AMAZING, I can’t believe I’d never noticed that actress in anything before. She’s perfect.
It’s all the best parts of telenovelas and I especially love the editing and the narration and the subtitles and OH GOD IT’S SO CLEVER and everyone’s so beautiful and I want Jane’s dresses
IT’S SO CLEVER and but also so sweet and charming. We get ridiculous yet entertaining plots combined with respectful, well-grounded character work and it’s just everything I want in a show. And yes, their wardrobe game is on point.
The narrator + the pithy captions that type up on the screen may be my favorite character/part. They always get the biggest laughs from me.
I LOVE JANE THE VIRGIN SO MUCH. It’s the only show besides Brooklyn Nine Nine that I have to watch every week, instead of letting the whole season pile up on my DVR as I am wont to do.
This is my human rogue, Zella ! (Pardon the glare, I’m playing on PS3 so no screengrabs) I literally cannot remember what the heck her family’s last name is. It starts with a V, I think.
I am a huge completionist so not clearing an entire map is KILLING ME, but my strategy so far has been: explore map until things keep killing me, then go check out another map; return when leveled up. It’s working fairly well.
She just made out with Cullen and it was pretty excellent.
EDIT: Motherfucker this was supposed to be part of the DA: Inquisition thread. :/
looks like Bergie!
that’s a major +
Nice! I love that sidecut hair.
Yeah, that sounds like my experience. I had to pull myself away from the Hinterlands in order to get onto the main quest. There were just so many quest icons waiting to be filed! I approached the (gorgeous) Storm Coast in a much more reasonable way. Gotta come back and get those dragons later, mhmm.
Jealous of your Cullen makeout. I love that the game still lets you flirt with people whom you can’t romance. Cullen got SO. AWKARD. when my qunari lady made a move on him. Even better was Vivienne, who shut me down hard. “Do you think we could…?” “No.”
Hello everyone! I finally figured out how to stealth-internet at my new job. Wheeeeee!
Speaking of my new job, I have a question for all of you officey types. I just started at this place at the beginning of the week and I’m totally happy with it so far, but I’m feeling anxious and weird about my schedule. When I was hired I was told I should work 9am – 4:30pm with a half hour lunch “whenever”, which is what I’ve been doing, but I’ve noticed that literally everyone else is already here when I arrive, doesn’t take lunch breaks, and isn’t making any move to leave when I do at 4:30. I stayed until 4:45 yesterday to finish up a report and still no one else was leaving when I did.
I feel so awkward! Should I start coming in earlier or staying later? Will they all think I’m a slacker? I’m salary so I’m not getting overtime or anything.
I wouldn’t, unless my boss said something. I’m guessing that the others have lots to do, whereas you don’t yet because you just started. Don’t stay longer than you need to for the sake of appearances, life’s too short for that.
Stake out your position on breaks Right Now. If you make it a habit of always taking your breaks from day one, most of the time people will just shrug and figure that’s how you roll. (And if it’s an office culture thing where they expect everyone to work their ass off and never take breaks, well, it’s better to know sooner rather than later.)
Yes, yes, yes.
Do not let an office culture of people refusing to self-care eat you alive! Make it fight for you!
Ok cool, that is comforting! It seems like there’s an attitude of “omg we’re so busy, we can’t keep up!” but that’s just because everything is done the hardest, least efficient possible way. So hopefully as long as I’m productive I won’t have to worry about being seen as a slacker. But super long hours/no breaks reeeaaally doesn’t work for me.
I had a similar situation- if you are producing things, and being efficient, you will very likely get noticed and appreciated by those who notice such things.
Do not buy into the longer days! When you are on salary, you are being paid for accomplishing your job, NOT for your TIME. If you need to work longer days to finish everything, there will be no thanks and no compensation; if you do everything in the generally accepted timeframe, you are DONE.
I largely agree with the others who say that you should stick up for your own break times. But if everyone else really does work way more hours, you might suffer some consequences if people perceive that you’re a slacker (even if you’re not). If you feel comfortable with your boss you should just ask — “hey, my hours are 9-4:30 but I’ve noticed that everyone else works more hours in the day — can you tell me a little bit about the general office schedule?”
If you don’t feel comfortable asking your boss, ask the receptionist or a friendly-looking admin. (I suggest this a lot because most receptionists and admins know everything that goes on and will be happy to share with you if you are friendly to them and treat them like competent adult humans.) That question goes, “Hey, I have a weird question — I’m supposed to work 9-4:30 but I notice everyone else is here for way longer! What’s up with that?” They will tell you or know who else you should ask.
I’d bring it up with the boss when you check in, and frame it as “Are you happy with what I’m getting done? Is there anything you need from me that you’re not getting?”
If your boss is happy with your productivity it does not matter what other people who have lesser time management skills are doing.
When I first started this job, it was $12 an hour. I came in an hour early and stayed an hour late (off the clock) and worked my fuckin ass off. I did that for almost 6 months. You’re the new guy and I’d say just focus on fitting in right now. Don’t poke your head up, don’t make waves, etc.
I mean you don’t have to actually work your fuckin ass off, but if you can swing the hours, at least be there, at least don’t make it so you are the one sashaying in and out when everyone is still working. If you are different, they will notice, and they will hate you for it.
Keep a decent lunch break so you don’t go crazy, but the hours are important.
I am usually the person who is first to leave at my office, and I have been held up as a positive example for others to follow. Keep that light shining!
One of my friends made pull-apart stuffing-flavored rolls, and they were amazing, and now I am scheming how to have them again.
http://www.seriouseats.com/2014/11/the-food-lab-p…
Oh, those look really good. Saving that recipe for later.
ALSO you know the Awl’s amazing tarte tatin recipe? How would it be if made with pumpkin instead of apples?
http://www.theawl.com/2012/09/perfect-tarte-tatin…
Serious Eats is awesome, and I love their Food Lab series especially because it’s evident how much actual thought (and sometimes science) went into creating the recipes.
That looks *amazing.*
Holy cats, these need to be in my mouth IMMEDIATELY.
How do you find it on the PS3? (ie, does it run alright, or is it terrible quality because they put all the effort into the PS4 version?)
(GRAGH, this is about Dragon Age, in response to CholeKEvil, but if anyone else has opinions about the PS3 version I’m all ears.)
So far the biggest difference I’ve noticed is in the hair. It ain’t great- I’ve heard they’re going to patch it. But other than that, I haven’t noticed any serious bugs in the gameplay. I think it jammed up once over the past three days? And there’s occasionally a cut scene error where dialogue won’t advance unless you skip, but I’ve only had that one a couple of times and it isn’t game-breaking.
My husband is not managing his depression, and it’s fucking me up. I am considering pushing for an intensive outpatient, or possibly an inpatient, program. Does anyone have experience with these? Either for yourself or a loved one?
Also I welcome advice on how to take care of myself when I work full-time and have a 2-hour-each-way commute 3 days a week (work from home the other two) and also a farm and also two dogs with new vet bills and medications to manage and also depression of my own AND a husband who falls asleep at 3 in the afternoon and doesn’t do anything around the house and sleeps through the dog peeing on the carpet. Right now my coping mechanism is lots of wine and Gilmore Girls and crying. I am trying to get exercise but I’m so tired and days are so short and I live in a fucking RV and everything is awful. Wah.
I am sorry I do not have any advice, but here is listening and another glass of wine and the wish that your friends will come have a Chores And Wine party at your house ASAP to help you out. We would if we were there!
<3
Oh my goodness, that is so much, and I am so sorry. That is SO MUCH. How are you doing? Are you holding up OK?
Unfortunately I cannot help with any outpatient/inpatient programs, but you are absolutely well within your rights to push for help. Because that is A LOT of stuff to handle on your own (shit, any ONE of those things and I would be a wreck). Is there someone you can talk to to unload on, or someone who can give you a hand with farm stuff–at least for a little while, even on a short-term basis? Or someone who can come and give you a hand with the housework? If I could I would show up at your house and clean it from top to bottom and then cook you a meal for the freezer–I am so sorry you are going through all of this alone.
To be honest I don’t even know if I’m holding up OK. Last week in cocktail hour someone very wise (I don’t remember who) said Sometimes I spend such a long stretch of time “being supportive” and “overlooking flaws” that I lose my center. And I was like “oh. yeah. huh. wow. that’s a thing that’s definitely happening to me.”
The thing about asking for help on the farm and in the house is that that feels like it would embarrass him and make him worse (he is very prone to the shame spiral). But probably I need to get over that because his shame spiral is driving my life right now.
And I was like “oh. yeah. huh. wow. that’s a thing that’s definitely happening to me.”
Just recognizing that feeling is doing something. It can take a while to do anything with the recognition, but recognition is a start.
And yeah, his potential for shame is understandable, and so is your caution over it, but right now his potential for shame spiraling is creating an untenable situation for you. Asking for help is a great idea, and he’ll have to get on board with it if he can’t do the work himself. You’ll find a way to phrase it so that it’s kind enough, but you can’t be expected to carry all the practical weight and all the emotional weight of this difficult time alone.
Thanks Emily, you are so wise as usual.
you can’t be expected to carry all the practical weight and all the emotional weight of this difficult time alone
Just realized I totally do expect this of myself.
Man, I’m not “being wise” so much as “hanging on for dear life,” but if it was useful, I’m glad.
One of the best things I ever did with a loved one whose entirely understandable emotional and medical difficulties were sucking me down into the vortex with them was to say “I love you and I want to help you take care of yourself. But right now I have to take care of myself first.” It helped immensely, which is super dang convenient since it was NOT OPTIONAL for me at the time.
OH MY GOD HONEY. Oh my god, yeah, this is all really really awful.
I would have to say fuck off on the exercise for the mo’. You just gotta get through your days right now. Is there any way, any way at all, that you can convince your bosses to give you a third work-from-home day temporarily, like for the next two or three months? Can you afford to hire someone to build cozy, outdoor shelters for the dogs so they don’t pee on the carpet? Do you have friends who can have a come-to-Jesus with your husband about seeking treatment?
Ughghghghghg all those suggestions sound so weak. I hope you find something to keep you from spiraling down what sounds like a serious nightmare scenario.
Not weak at all. I really appreciate it. Brains that are not mine helping with problem-solving = good!
I hadn’t even considered another wfh day, actually; that is a good idea. I will see if my schedule can accommodate it. (I’m so excited about the super short week for Thanksgiving, I can’t even tell you.)
The peeing dog is on prednisone right now (auto-immune arthritis, poor buddy) and it makes him have to pee a lot, and frequently. He’ll be off that within a couple of months. But still, a couple of months of poor guy trying and failing to hold it all night is a lot. I will look into ways to get a secure yard set up for them.
We are in couples therapy with someone we both trust, and I am hopeful that she can help with the come-to-Jesus. We have tried all the non-intensive options — make lists, keep easy snacks around so he eats, get out of the house (he is super isolated as the only person on the farm all day), all the stuff you’re ~supposed~ to do when you’re depressed — none of it has taken. I guess I will give her a heads-up that I am going to want to discuss this next week. I already mentioned it to him but I am so low on compassion right now that I just get really *angry* when it gets bad, and that is not the best way for me to be communicating to him about this. I am sure I’m doing more harm than good when I talk to him about this when angry.
So glad my suggestions were even the littlest-bit useful. Keep us posted on how things are going, OK?
Hmmm, is there something you can do on your commute that would help you feel better? Do you have to drive, or are you sitting on a bus or a train? If you aren’t driving maybe you can sleep, or meditate, or write a story? If you are driving, can you listen to books on tape or podcasts? Oh, or what about language tapes? A friend of mine has been doing the Pimsler method for learning Spanish and she loves it. Perhaps if you can do something fulfilling during those 4 hours a day, it will take some of the pressure off your other hours?
Drive -> train -> bus. I would die if it were 2 hrs all in the car.
I do knit or read or sleep or listen to podcasts on the train and bus usually, which does help.
I’ve done an intensive outpatient! It was good, I mean as much as going to a hospital every day can be. But really, Its kind of cool, because you have this really diverse group (frat boys, businessmen, hippie-types, the elderly, the artsy, etc) talking about Big Life Questions. And frankly at that point it helped me just to have a regular schedule and a place where I could cry:). I can answer other questions if u want
Re your own self care- talke to a counselor, if you can, for advice on what to do for yourself. What I think they are likely to say is: Your husband probalby needs some help; if he refuses, both of you could continue being unhappy for a long time, as you both continue adapting to the situation and planning your lives around this untreated problem. Even if you are willing to accommodate his issues without treatment, theres a reasonable chance it might hurt both of you long term. I dont mean that to sound harsh, and please tell me if I am. Right now his brain is telling him to do things that are bad for him, and for you. Its such an awful place for him, so I feel compassion there too. Still, you only control you, and I just want to make sure you know its not just tolerable, but often good, to do what needs to be done to make you feel strong and peaceful and OK
Thanks, that is a good to hear. I also should have said if anyone has experiences with it but doesn’t want to post here, there’s an email address at my username dot com that you can use to reach me.
I am not in therapy myself currently, and I wish I were. It’s hard to find time, given everything else. But I saw my new GP yesterday and she was very kindly stern and said that my homework is to find a therapist who does Saturdays near home, as opposed to trying to make time to see my previous therapist in the city on commute days. So I’ll be researching that this weekend.
Thank you. <3
Oh Lauren. Oh how awful. I know those feelings (lifelong fights with clinical depression). I know that commute, except I did it five days a week for years. And living in an RV? Awful.
I don’t see any downside to making an appointment and driving your husband to a counseling facility. You are a nicer person than I am, but I would not give him any choice in the matter until at the facility. I would refuse to hear “no” until he made the ride with me. I would drive him to the facility, get out of the car with him or without him, go inside and, if necessary, ask a staff member to come out to the car to invite him inside. That’s the point at which I would accept his refusal. Not sooner. But you are a nicer person than I am. I just hate how much his illness is making you suffer. I trust your judgment.
If you were anywhere in Texas I would knock on your door with your favorite pizza and two bottles of very good wine. Please keep the Toast community updated. I will be thinking about you.
Heh, well, “nice” isn’t really getting me anywhere right now, so maybe it’s time for a new technique.
Thanks everyone. I debated posting this but I’m glad I did and I’m glad for The Toast. This has really helped even though I’m crying again now. <3 <3
I’ve been a therapy patient myself as a kid and worked in a psychiatric hospital as an intake person. If he’s not suicidal, it’s quite possible that he would not be admitted inpatient, but it depends on the admitting doctor ( but almost certainly not involuntarily). Intensive outpatient would be my suggestion. It’s really great for a lot of people and not as scary for first time treatment vs. inpatient. If you have a local standalone psychiatric facility or a hospital that has a program, I’d call for an evaluation/intake appointment or just walk in! Sometimes the supervising doctor for the outpatient program can “step up” treatment and admit to inpatient if needed.
My family farms – I cannot imagine one of them taking care of the place alone. So you are pretty amazing! But if you have any friends or family to call on for help with farm chores temporarily it would probably ease the stress a lot.
Thanks, katesafety, that’s a good perspective. I should clarify that he does have a psychiatrist, and he is on meds and mostly taking them, but he sees the psychiatrist rarely and I am not sure the meds are working.
We are pretty small-scale and raise only livestock right now, usually on pasture but they are all in the barn for the winter, so really the chores don’t take long. ~1 hr if you’re efficient. He is able to manage that on days that I’m not here, for which I am grateful. But I will be trying to figure out who we can get to come help.
OH MY GOSH Anonymous Toastie thank you so much for the generous gift certificate. I’m so excited. I’m going to spend it allllll on self-care things. <3 <3 thank you so much.
This place is the best.
This incredibly literal-minded person actually caught herself before responding earnestly to a hypothetical question today. High five.
I’ve been having a hard week already, and it just hit me that I don’t have anywhere to go for Thanksgiving. My Grandma always hosted it and gathered all her friends and family within a 200-mile radius, but she died this summer, and now that’s hitting me all over again. My parents live on the other side of the country, and I don’t have the money or organizational skills to host. We’re secular-ish Jews, so Thanksgiving and Passover are our big holidays, and my Grandma organized them both.
Aw, I’m so sorry. This is a rough time. Take care of yourself. Can you find a friendsgiving to go to? Or host one?
Seconding what laurenipsum said. The first year is always rough, but are you in a position to go to or host a dinner? Or to make yourself a nice little meal and celebrate her memory?
I am so sorry for your loss.
This year, if you have local friends who you like *at all*, you should absolutely try inviting yourself to someone else’s dinner – I’ve done it, people are very welcoming; Americans for the most part *cannot handle* the thought of anyone not having somewhere to go on Thanksgiving. I also favor the above idea of having yourselves a little memorial meal, at home or out – on the day or another day over the weekend.
Then, in early december, even though it seems early, think about whether there are some of these within-200-mile other family who you want to talk to about next Passover. If there are people from your grandmother’s holidays that you want to maintain traditions with, you can put together both Passover and Thanksgiving in 2015. (If you know how to be in touch with them, that might include some of her friends, who also have lost their central destination for these meals.) It takes a lot more lateral communication and planning to keep getting together when the oldest generation isn’t in charge any more, but it’s worth it. You’ll find your way to a new holiday tradition.
It is my birthday on Monday! As mentioned last week, my partner will be away from Sunday to Monday night as it is his grandmother’s funeral, and I will be in classes 10-5 without a break (a lecture has been rescheduled, and is now taking place at lunchtime); it is the fifth anniversary of my depression diagnosis and I am feeling really overwhelmed by coursework right now, so it may not be great. But it is still my birthday, and in a few weeks I’m going home to see my siblings (we are triplets, so it’s a belated birthday celebration), so I am trying to focus on the nice things.
Early happy birthday wishes! I hope in spite of all those things it is really wonderful, even in a quiet underground way.
Thank you very much!
Oof. That’s a lot of stuff to deal with. Hope you have a great birthday on Monday, though, and that when you do finally get to celebrate with your siblings it’ll be fantastic.
Thanks! I’m looking forward to it a lot – my parents will be on holiday, so we’ll have the house (and cats!) to ourselves. CRAZY PARTY wait, no, we are too sedate and boring.
I don’t know if I’ll be around Monday, so I’ll wish you a happy birthday right now! I know there are a lot of sorrowful or taxing events that might make it less festive than it would otherwise be, and I’m sorry for that. But it’s also important to celebrate when we can, and I’m so glad your plans worked out as well as they did. You are worth celebrating.
Thank you very much; that’s really kind of you. My partner gave me my presents today, which included a large donation to the Abortion Support Network (I was thrilled!) and we are having pie and chips and fancy chocolate “melting middle” things tonight, which I am looking forward to lots.
Good Thing: I was ranting about my periods going AWOL a while ago,* and my doctor’s suspecting that the reason is a benign pituitary tumor that elevates prolactin levels, and the fact that it takes several months to get an MRI (O Canada!) because this is not an emergency thing, or life-threatening, thank goodness, but only essential to my continued fertility and peace of mind, right when we want to start attempting to reproduce again.
But I had my MRI last week, and I have no tumor or anything out of the ordinary whatsoever, so the doctor just thinks my body might be slow to get the I-haven’t-breastfed-in-months memo. So I get to take the anti-tumor medicine that makes the Redcoats go on the march again (and everything go back to normal, I hope), but without actually having the tumor, which is what I wanted.
*Thanks everyone who wrote back with kind words! I tried to answer but The Toast makes my computer have the vapors if I try to post when there are 1000+ posts.
Nice things: I just received a glowing evaluation for my first 4 months in this job. Made me realize that I’ve been holding my breath about it for a while, and am now looking forward to a well-deserved Friday evening watching bad tv and eating chips.
Hard things: I’m still pretty lonely in this new town, and since I decided not to travel for Thanksgiving weekend being here solo is kind of looming. The reason I’m not traveling is that my partner and I have decided to separate, so that’s another big, difficult thing. I feel like I can’t make any new friends until I’ve figured out (whatever that means) my separation. It’s the right thing, and it was my choice, but i still feel too miserable for more than the minimum of human contact: “Please be friends with me, I only want to talk about The Mindy Project, how much I hate pennies, and my deep-seated feelings of guilt!!”
Congrats on the good evaluation! and I’m sorry about the separation. If I felt like it I could turn that into a poem or something.
You’re not in Philadelphia, are you? I only really know how to talk about minor annoyances and female-centric sitcoms too.
Alas, not in Philadelphia. Also alas, I do not see pennies as a minor annoyance, but as a rant-worthy horror.
Come to Canada, darling — plenty of Toasties, no pennies!
What town are you in and are there toasties???
Minneapolis! I went to one Toastie meetup, which was a delight — don’t think more have been planned since then.
“Please be friends with me, I only want to talk about The Mindy Project, how much I hate pennies, and my deep-seated feelings of guilt!!”
This sounds like an A+ invitation to a Toast meet-up you might arrange. Just sayin’.
Good point! Will figure this out for first weekend of December.
Where are you? There’s bound to be a Toastfriend nearby.
Beautiful Minneapolis.
Oops, I love to share pictures of my cats with interested (or uninterested) people, but I don’t know how to post pictures in the comment threads here. Advice?
We adopted Ari a little less than a year ago, and I just found out from his original foster mom that he was born on Halloween. My little spooky baby! He’s a complete terror who hasn’t realized that he’s not a kitten anymore. He’ll open cabinets and tip over the trashcan to play with the trash, tear the toilet paper to shreds unless we keep it in a drawer, and practice parkour at 3 am making way more noise than a cat as slender as he is should be able to make. I brought home flowers one day and realized there was nowhere to put them – he’s found a way to get onto even the highest surfaces in the house.
BUT, when he gets sleepy, he’s a total angel who burrows his head into my boobs like he can’t get close enough to me and purrs and purrs. I love him soooo much.
1. Great username.
2. You have to upload pictures somewhere else (flickr, imgur) and then get the link (to the jpg or gif, not to the page where the image is hosted — make sure it ends with .jpg or .gif or whatever). Then you use a little HTML to post them here. The HTML to do that is:
< img src=”your url here.gif” > but remove the spaces between the < and the > (leave the space between img and src).
3. So jealous of cuddle kitty. I wish I had a kitten.
Hello friends, it is the end of my first week of being funemployed and the glow of not having to get up early has worn off. So far I’m staving off depression by working on a freelance editing job, and clinging to the knowledge that the organization I worked for (I had a federally funded contract that ended last week) is super supportive of me and hopes to find me another job within that organization. I have a cushion saved up that can keep me going for a few months (more if I defer on my student loans for a bit). There are worse circumstances under which to be unemployed, but wow, this sucks. (It’s also my first time in this situation since I moved out of my parents’ house and became financially independent, and it feels a lot like walking on a tightrope.)
I’ve been spending more of my limited funds than I should on cheap wine, trying to spend time with friends, and generally keep busy. How do people in the unemployment boat, especially those of you with brains that tell you you’re worthless if you’re not selling your labor, deal with things?
As a freelancer, I find it vitally important that I get out of pajamas and out of the house — not every day, I’m not made of stone, but at least four or five days a week. I had to put it on my to-do list: 4+ days a week, I have to put on shoes and go outside, even if it’s just a walk around the neighborhood or a run to the corner store.
I also make a schedule to get some exercise in and to see friends; the freer my schedule, the harder I find it to actually do. I think my unconscious sees that I could do that stuff annnnnnnnytime, so it gets demoted to less-important status. But it’s very important!
And I make sure to notice what work I’m doing, whether it’s paid work or the busywork that leads to paid work or household organization like following up on bills. It’s easy to think I’m doing nothing when I’m not earning money, but applying for jobs or pitching to editors (or whatever your equivalent is) is work, and it’s valuable.
It helped me to pretend I had a daily morning appointment at the library. I forced me to get up, get dressed, get out of the house. And the little dogs were happier with predictable mornings. It also helped me to use every morning for online job hunting with my laptop on the library’s wifi.
yep, getting out of the house. using the time to work on projects for yourself you might not otherwise have had time for.
it can suck, though, & i hope it doesn’t last too long for you!
Another vote for getting out of the house every day during daylight hours.
Personally, I am also a fan of taking up a brand-new activity and scheduling a little time daily to spend on it – it’s a good way to turn your [involuntary] found-leisure time into a productive opportunity. Try meditation, practice a language with duolingo, learn to sew, play the harmonica, etc – the digital world offers many kinds of free or inexpensive instruction, and it can be another organizing element of your day. For me that defintely helps stave off despair, but of course ymmv.
Also, re: funds, try seeing your friends by inviting yourself over (or them over) to cook dinner together, which is far cheaper than going out for drinks/meals/coffees.
Huzzah for supportive colleagues, and good luck with a new position coming through!
My currently immune-suppressed mid-chemotherapy mother has refused to let us go to her for Thanksgiving and is not only flying from Florida to Boston but has two plane changes in between. Someone please tell me she is not going to get pneumonia.
She is living her life as she chooses to. There is immense value in that. Even if the worst happens and she gets sick, it will have happened on her own terms.
But yeah, it sucks to worry about her. I hear you.
Oof. Not the decision I would have made. But RoseCamelia is right as usual. I would be worried sick about her, but she is her own person.
I love yours, too! This was supposed to go in the cat thread on page one, sigh. THANKS OBAMA.
Thanks for the tip! Here’s my little dumbass surveying his kingdom:
And here he is after he passed out while I rubbed his belly.
Fingers crossed that the images worked…
HIS LITTLE TOES HOLDING ONTO THE DOOR
*dies*
Aaahhhh I love him
SO BUSY TODAY! I missed the open thread by hours!
In any case, a few things:
1) The half-marathon training is going swimmingly. I’m already seeing a great improvement in my pace! I’ve been running on the treadmill at a slight incline and going slightly “farther” than prescribed by my training plan, to make up for the lower difficulty of treadmill running. I have also dropped about 10 pounds since starting this new diet & exercise plan, and am really feeling good about my level of health. I am SERIOUSLY nervous about how I’ll handle Thanksgiving, though, because I really really love overeating. Trying to keep myself under control, though.
2) I am experiencing a lot of anxiety about gift giving this year. I’m a pretty terrible present-giver. My complete lack of attention span/memory makes it tough for me to ever remember the good gift ideas I have, and of course, I’m surrounded by gift giving all-stars. It’s a silly thing, but it really fills me with anxiety.
3) I don’t even know how to word this, but I’ll give it a shot. Just about 6 years ago, my best friend died. It’s a super odd circumstance that I won’t get too deep into, but it was an accident at a public event, and I was there. It has seriously fucked me up for years, and makes the entire Christmas season into an emotional minefield for me. Her birthday was around Thanksgiving time, and she passed away in early December. I’ve been managing my emotions fairly well for the last couple of years, thanks to a lot of therapy, but I’m always worried about how I’ll cope through the season. I guess the point of all this is, all good vibes and internet hugs are now being accepted.
That’s enough rambling. Happy birthday, Bartender! And happy Friday to everyone else!
Great job on the training!! That sounds exciting. Don’t be too hard on yourself re: indulging at Thanksgiving. I’m so sorry to hear about your friend’s death. It sounds like this is going to be a rough time of year for you and you deserve good things! Good vibes and internet hugs definitely coming atcha.
Thank you!
I am so sorry about the loss of your friend. You know it’s OK to grieve whenever and however you need to. I just typed it to support what you already know.
Gifting: keep an evolving list on/in something you always carry: your phone, your wallet, your keychain. Jot down ideas the very minute they occur. Seriously. Stop what you’re doing and jot. Pull the car over to the highway shoulder and jot. Block the grocery store isle with your cart and jot. Stand up from the couch and go jot.
About that list: it never dies. It bears the names of people you give gifts to every year. Birthdays, winter solstice, anniversary, etc. You cross off, but do not erase, any gifts given or ideas that did not seem good on second thought. It will be useful to see those crossed out next year.
What to jot: Think about the nexus of 1) what that person enjoys and 2) what you know well. If your brother loves golf and you know a lot about books, consider books about golf. Also consider needs. Older people and any age of packrat get gifts that do not take up space for long, such as food, soap, balloons, flowers. Young adults still furnishing their first home get items you noticed they needed, like a set of tea towels to replace those sorry ones their mother used for 20 years.
Thank you! This is all extremely helpful advice!
I’m so sorry to hear about your friend, and especially that it turns the holiday season into something painful. Consider good vibes sent and internet hugs ongoing.
There can be a lot of pressure to BRIGHT and JOLLY during Christmastime, and I think it’s too bad. It’s a festive time of year, but for most of us, it’s also bittersweet: maybe we miss our departed friends or family, maybe we have family tensions that get contrasted against the impossible ideal, maybe we find this time of year more grueling for medical reasons, and so on.
Few of us have as distinct and powerful a reason as you do, but the sentiment is the same: the imagined holiday ideal is all shiny and bright, and the reality is… not that. I’m sorry, and I hope this season leaves you as much room to celebrate as you’d like and as much space to process your feelings as you want.
Congratulations on your training; that’s such an impressive task, and it sounds great.
Thank you for your comments. I pretty much just opted out of the holidays the first year, but things have gotten a little easier over time. I agree with you, though. We could all stand to be a little more understanding of those who aren’t able to get fully into the shiny, happy holiday spirit, for whatever reason.
I have tried to be better about just buying presents when I find them and then stashing them for present occasions. That plus an extensive set of Amazon gift lists + the applet that lets you add items from any website usually gets me somewhere.
Congrats on the training progress! And good vibes are always heading your way!
Thank you!
Oh, honey, I am so, so, so sorry you are going through this. You are so lovely for being so concerned about your husband,
But.
(You knew there was a BUT coming, right? This one is a big but indeed. (Hee.)) Here is the thing: Yes, your husband will probably be embarrassed about this. But you have to look out for yourself. You HAVE to. You are the breadwinner? You hold down a full-time job outside the home, plus doing home chores because your husband is not, plus looking after dogs AND looking after your husband. That is a shit ton of work even excluding the fact that: FARM. I think this is definitely something that you need to discuss with the therapist, because I mean….the house and farm and dogs still exist. They are still there. There is still work that needs to be done. If he wasn’t depressed–if he had a broken leg or was on bed rest or whatever, I’m sure he would still not want to have Someone Else doing it, but the fact of the matter is that these chores still exist and still need to be done regardless of how he is feeling. And I get that he will not necessarily like it, BUT. You are not capable of doing all things and being all things to all people, but you SHOULDN’T HAVE TO BE. You should not. You don’t have to be anyone but your own sweet self, and that self is sounding overworked and under-loved. Look out for yourself. Take care of yourself. That is a lot of work and you shouldn’t have to shoulder that burden alone.
I can’t imagine what you’re going through and how much it sucks, and I am so, so, so sorry for you. But if it helps: you’re completely right. Your husband must seek help–leaving the work all to you to do, forever, indefinitely, is Not An Option.
Please keep us updated so we won’t worry, and talk at us any time.
Thank you. You know, I *know* all of these things but it doesn’t really sink in until someone else says it. Also, you all are giving me some perspective on just how much this really is. It’s become normal to me but it sounds incredibly overwhelming when you talk about it! Hmm. There must be a lesson there.
I can’t wait for Toast Chat.
Please keep us updated so we won’t worry, and talk at us any time.
SECONDED.
I spent so much money on spray paint and picture frames from Goodwill and those command strip velcro picture hanger things and I regret nothing. Also I finally just finished my giant craft project to replace the wedding centerpieces I still had around, and now I’m making a thing with a Mallory quote on it because I’m really Leaning In to this whole Toast-centric life thing. Also I bought some really self-indulgent (giant, fluffy) towels. And acquired a bunch of “new” furniture (the neighbors left it on the street when they moved out, but it’s actually pretty nice).
Ooh, what quote?
Giant fluffy towels!! What a great treat yo’self. I might have to steal that idea.
” wake violently every morning and thrust a sword into the air, just to remind the air who’s in charge, before taking your toast and tea,” from the same She Said, She Said that gave us taking to the sea. I’m going to put it on my bedroom wall, in lieu of actually getting a sword. And then maybe I’ll get a sword.
I second the lasagna! it’s perfect for leftovers. Also enchiladas.
I would say NO to casseroles, but that’s because I dislike them personally.
so now that we know the timeline is wrong, does Don still have an alibi?
Doh that was supposed to go in the Serial thread. But does he???
The Kellan Lutz Hercules movie is on HBO Go right now, and the official HBO description refers to him as a “beefcake demigod.”
BEEFCAKE DEMIGOD
A phrase that disappointingly brings up zero posts here on The Toast!
I know this is totally buried but my job means I don’t ever get to catch link roundups and open threads and even really comment sections in general in a timely manner anymore…and it’s making me sad. I miss y’all and love reading what everyone says….so just picture me, reading the comments between customers at work or on my break, casting a benevolent eye and judicious use of thumbs ups among all ye Toastfolk. <3
We can hang out after-hours! I pretty much never get to comment until I get home- and that plus Central time (plus dinner, sometimes) means I’m always very late to threads.
I’m still here too! I often miss the weekday threads but I’m here today. I am also a random cruise-through-and-thumbs-upper.
I am terrible at screenshots, but as I work on that a description! Quizzy (the Inquisitor) Trevelyan is goddamn adorable. One of my friends said she looks like Katniss, but not pale.
I *loved* it. That was an amazing movie. I want a million more dystopia books/movies that focus on the creation of propaganda and the psychological components of fighting a war. I want to go fight in a revolution while singing something.
(Also, I love your username. As a Claire, I thought I had heard every possible variation on “Claire” puns, but that’s a new one)
Super late, but I like having it hidden down here anyway. In exactly 12 hours I’ll be on a bus taking me to see an old college friend who I once had a perfect 24 hour fling with several years ago, to repeat same! I am super excited. I am exactly the proper amount of half in love with him, I have crazy butterflies and he texted today, “ugh why aren’t you here yet.”
Its been about 2.5 months since my huge crashing wave breakup of a 4.5 year thing, and right before thanksgiving I’m going to bed a great, sweet, reliable friend who I trust absolutely, I already know that he knows how to treat a lady, and then i have to go back to my coast, so…no danger of screwing it up. Just one perfect bubble of time. Feeling quite lucky.
Get it girrrrl!!!! Post some pix of that fat D.
Sorry about the huge crashing wave but it sounds like you’ve got the *perfect* recovery plan lined up. Enjoy!!!
What do y’all think about “when society goes to shit, how will the privileged white male act” trope in movies? I just watched 28 Days Later and
*****************spoilers******************
basically really annoyed by the second half where these uneducated white men who happen to have a pretty secure position in this zombiepocalypse situation become suicidally depressed because they have no women to rape, and so they abduct a woman and a girl and try to rape them. (They claim they want babies, but they are uneducated and unequipped to birth or care for an infant, and why get a baby through rape unless you actually just want rape.) They risk conflict and lose everything because they try to brutalize these women who have been surviving much worse than them!
There’s a scene where a violent angry uninfected person is mistaken for a violent angry infected person, and the “zombie” types are just enraged humans with no superhuman powers, so there are themes of ~human nature~ = human potential to be basically bad.
I’m not saying it’s unrealistic that a barracks full of white male soldiers is safe for women bc obvi, and the rapists got what was coming to them, but I hate that that is what the climax was? Like I already know how white men act, please stop telling me and focus more on the interesting fantasy you created for me? Idk having a hard time articulating my thoughts… do you know what I mean or what
way too late, but I had to think about whether this would be useful or not. I am in a gray area about owning my house–long story, but I may or may not wind up with the deed to a house that needs TONS of work (like, I have put metal support posts in the basement to hold up the north side of the house because of the foundation problems.) There is no way I could ever make money when/if I sell this house.
Yet, I am thankful to have it, even though it will take huge amounts of repairing when I get clear title. It’s not an investment; it’s a place to live. A place where I don’t get a yearly increase in rent, though none of the problems got fixed. A place where I don’t get a month’s notice to move because the landlord wants to rent to their nephew. A place where I don’t have to worry ‘oh, the property management company has decided to change to a no pets policy’. I’m not going to make any money by having this house, but I have a space where I have a certain amount of control over what happens to it (good, bad, or indifferent).
But I know plenty of people who don’t want to deal with the hassle of owning a house, so they deal with the hassle of landlords. Everybody has their own ideas about where they want to live (or can afford to live), and that’s fine. It sounds like your parents’ friends are trying to justify their own house poorness. There’s probably no way to say that politely (or get them to actually hear, ha!), though.
Investment accounts aren’t necessarily going to hold their value either–my 401k has veered wildly in value, and I know a couple who had lived on their investment income who had to go back to work at age 70ish, because their investments tanked. Life is never certain, and all we can do is try to do the best we can with what we have.
I’d probably just tell them I was not going to buy a house, and keep saying that until they are tired of talking. I’ve certainly done that on other issues, ha!
They turned out really well! It was a 2 day process (start the dough and folding on one day, overnight rise, bake the next day), but it ended up being worth it. I got the recipe out of a book called "The Breads of France" by Bernard Clayton, but I'm sure there are other recipes online that are just as good.
Been diagnosed of herpes is just like been through hell but EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE. So amazing and i want to testify of the good work done by dr otabor a very strong and powerful spell caster. GREAT Dr otabor has proved science and scientists wrong for believing and thinking that there is no cure for Herpes Virus but to be sincere this GREAT MAN is so real and powerful. I never thought that this cure will work but this GREAT MAN has proved it to me beyond doubt that it worked and still working perfectly. My Name is wayne and i was diagnosed of the deadly disease called Herpes july 2015 and i thought that, this will be the end and there will be no hope. Speaking to anyone was always a problem because i was so worried and always in the state of unrest in fact i thought it was over until one blessed day when i was searching for help here on the internet, i came across a testimony about Dr otabor on how he helped a lady who was also infected with Herpes Virus, how he has also helped many others to get their loved ones back, and how he has also help others to cure h i v. At first i thought it was all a lie but i decided to give it a try since there was no option and, when i contacted this MAN he laughed and told me that is too small for him to handle, but i was still in doubt, and he gave me a form to fill which I did, then he called me and told me that his gods required some items in which he will use in preparing the cure for me. He bought the items and prepared a cure for me, and instructed me on what to do and i OBEYED him completely as he told me. Then he sent a parcel to me through the courier delivery service. it was a holy water and a pure holy oil as described by DR otabor. I took the holy water and the holy oil and after taking it, he told me to go for check up but I was still in doubt and was so afraid to go for the test but i took a bold step and believed that it is well, and i believed all what he has done and all that he has told me. So i went to the hospital for the test it was so amazing, awesome and exciting what seems to be impossible became possible, the VIRUS disappeared completely from my system quickly I called him and told him what happened he congratulated me and today i am a happy person again the way things use to be. Don’t you think that this testimony is worth sharing? I promise to tell the world about him and i will keep sharing this testimony till the end because many people has died of herpes and i want many people who believed that it is over to know that EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLE AND I WANT THEM TO GET HELP FROM THIS SPELL CASTER by contacting him on his email at [email protected] and you can also YOUTUBE see so many people he has helped in other areas of life. Thank you GREAT Dr otabor and May your good gods keep rewarding you for your good deeds