Hey Ladies: Friendsgiving

by Michelle Markowitz & Caroline Moss · December 8, 2014

Previously in the series: Autumnal Shower

***

To: Nicole; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Morgan L.; Jen
From: Ali
Date: November 20, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

Hi Ladies!!

Can you believe it’s November already? I feel like just yesterday we were picking apples and feeling like we had the world at our fingertips. This holiday season is crazy already, between all the travel, galas, and regattas. I just wanted to write to my ~girls~ and tell you how much your friendship and support has meant to be this year. I am thankful for each and every one of you! Even Katie, although she is the worst at liking my instagrams 😉 As Alanis said, “thank you frailty, thank you consequence, thank you, thank you silence.” I am most thankful this year for how well Jake Gyllenhaal has aged and also for my friendships, which I plan to cultivate much more in the New Year.

I am focused on clean and holistic living for the rest of 2014, but if anyone wants to do some pre-Thanksgiving vacay mani/pedi/Brazilian (blowouts/waxes) before Wednesday let me know! I’m just really looking forward to some R&R. But also I might be hitting up some bar the night before Thanksgiving and might be running into someone from high school that I heard is recently divorced, so I am planning a revenge fantasy of making Jeff want me, then brutally rejecting him, then going back home for clean living and gluten-free Thanksgiving. Anywho, let me know if anyone’s down!

Xo! Ali

“I clench his hands to the point of pain. “Stay with me.”
His pupils contract to pinpoints, dilate again rapidly, and then return to something resembling normalcy. “Always,” he murmurs.”
―Suzanne Collins, Mockingjay

To: Nicole; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Ali.; Jen
From: Morgan
Date: November 20, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

This is SUCH a nice email Al! I like the idea of everyone emailing everyone else and saying what they’re thankful for! Personally I am really thankful for the free seltzer at my office, and that’s probably it for right now.

In terms of NBT aka night before thanksgiving AKA thanksgiving eve, i’m sorry to say that I won’t be here. My dad bought me a flight home (yay daddy’s girl forever haha!) and I’m leaving Monday. I saw a post on Buzzfeed about doing a friendsgiving? Is anyone interested in this? was thinking we could skip the food and just go out for tequila shots? hahah I love the holidays!

I also don’t know if anyone recalls but I will NOT be going out the night before tgiving in my hometown and that is mostly because I do not want to run the risk of seeing Jacob, my high school ex. I keyed his car in 2001 and I’m almost positive he knows it was me. What’s the statute of limitations on a crime like that? I’ve been listening to too much Serial.

Good luck with Jeff, Ali! Don’t wear your pleather leggings, guys can’t handle those (in like, a bad way).

Morgan

To: Morgan; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Ali.; Jen
From: Nicole
Date: November 20, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

Do you think your dad can buy me a flight home too??? HAHA jk….

….a little…

love ya,

Nicole

PS – Ali I am game for WHATEVER

To: Morgan; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Nicole.; Jen
From: Ali
Date: November 20, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

Hi Ladies!

I honestly have neither the emotional nor logistical bandwidth to plan a Friendsgiving feast this year. Also, trying to bring my BMI way down before Wednesday, and I’d really appreciate your support. Not all of us are all about the bass, you know. I’m on day 1 of a juice cleanse and I feel like I’m shedding SO many toxins already. I also feel pretty cranky and depressed but it could be cause I’ve been listening to “Stay” by Rihanna on repeat on Spotify.

I really appreciate your honesty in regards to my pleather leggings. Is it easy to hear? No. Is it good for me? Yes. Am I looking at those almonds in my desk with longing and a visceral hunger? Sure. Will I look fierce by Wednesday? Definitely.

Can everyone stop what they are doing and send me outfit options???? I want something that says “Oh. Hey Jeff. I forgot you were going to be here tonight. Weird. What’s that? Yeah, I just look this effortlessly fierce all the time, thanks.”

Also – according to his Twitter he is really into the “news.” Can someone brief me on news??

Love ya bbs!

Ali

“There’s no place I’d rather be” – Clever Bandit

To: Morgan; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Ali; Nicole.; Jen
From: Katie
Date: November 20, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

Hey Ladies,

Ali – I’ve taken the liberty of creating a few Pinterest boards for outfit options. I feel like this is what I can do for you in lieu of being available for brazilian waxes and also, it also sort of validates my talents in the social media environment. You can get me back whenever. The first board is called “Cute Flannel,” and you’ll see I’ve pointed out a few cute flannel shirts. I also feel like floppy hats deserve their own board but it really depends what you do with your hair so, obv, I made a board for your hair.

I’ve invited everyone via email to join the boards so everyone can add. Your success with Jeff is ours, also, if you guys communicate via text at all, can you send me screenshots? I’m looking for something on-brand with Thanksgiving eve that could also potentially go viral. This goes for everyone. I can source you if you provide images, of course…

As for me, I’m kind of stressed about going home and seeing my mother so I’ve been attending daily therapy appointments and two-a-day yoga classes. My goal is to really harness my chi and find a safe zone within myself to get to quickly if I panic. But if everyone could leave your phones on throughout the holiday week that would be helpful. I’ll send emergency snapchats.

Also, i don’t mean to be crazy about this but when I post think pieces to Facebook it helps if you “like” them. A lot of times I don’t read them myself but it’s really good to have an opinion on other people’s opinions. I mean, this is probably what Jeff does, if you’re looking to be briefed on the “news.” Just read a few grafs (journo speak) from some of the links I put on Facebook, you guys, I just don’t get why you want to make life sheltered for yourselves.

Katie

To: Morgan; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Ali; Nicole.; Katie
From: Jen
Date: November 20, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

Hey Ladies,

It’s so cute that you are all going out to party and get cray cray before the holidays. Honestly when I was single (so long ago!) this is what I did, too. This year Brad and I are going to snuggle up, make a fire, and watch some Christmas movies. I know married life seems so boring but it’s just an amazing feeling to be with the one you love on holidays. It’s like…I just can’t explain the feeling. One day you’ll all get it!!!!!!! And then you’ll be like Jen, you were right!! and I’ll be like yeah I know.

Katie, I am adding a few things to your Pinterest boards for Ali. Ali do you want me to lend you some of my going out tops??? I have no use for them anymore (hahah Brad gets so jeal when I dress hot, so sweet!) so you are welcome to them! Plus I’m going through a really big oversized sweater phase. I’ve also started collecting cute dishes. One of my fav bloggers inspired me.

XO, Jen

To: Morgan; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Ali; Jen.; Katie
From: Nicole
Date: November 20, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

If you are getting rid of going out tops, I want some!

Nicole

To: Morgan; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole; Jen.; Katie
From: Ali
Date: November 20, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

Hi Ladies!

Katie, thank you soooo much for creating on-theme Pinterest boards. My only teeny tiny ish is I would literally never wear a floppy hat. Maybe those are bigger in Westchester, but we have a totally different type of aesthetic in Connecticut. Check out GOOP for inspiration.

I will obvs screenshot all of our texts, and need everyone avail to me 24/7 during the holiday break. If things go well, would any of you be free to come to Greenwich for a pre-Thanksgiving brunch so I can recap our night?? Or should we do a google hang?? I’m so excited!!! Does anyone have xanax?? I wonder what Jeff and I will get each other for Christmas?? Do you think he’s a Blue Apron guy?? Do you think he’d move to New York for me??

Jen, thank you for the offer of going out tops! Are they small or extra small?? One of my resolutions for 2014 was to get in shape, so I have a month left to accomplish all my goals (besides becoming fluent in the Quebecian dialect of French), and I’d really appreciate your support.

Katie, I really don’t have time to skim the news – can you just give me a topline?? Something is happening with Ashton Kutcher and Uber right? Is ISIS still happening?

Does anyone wanna meet up after work for some girl talk/colonics??

Love!

Ali

To: Morgan; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Nicole; Jen.; Katie; Ali
From: Ash
Date: November 20, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

Ali,

GOOP is out, Blake Lively’s Preserve.Us is IN (and she’s from Westchester!!)

Ash

PS – I love floppy hats!!! I am trying not to feel offended by your comment but it’s really hard to ignore. Can you contact me for a one-on-one to flesh this out?

To: Morgan; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Jen.; Katie; Ali; Ash
From: Nicole
Date: November 20, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

I’m on Ash’s side. That was really insensitive.

That said, to save some money, I’d totally give you a homemade colonic if you wanna come over later!! We could give them to each other lol?

Nicole

To: Morgan; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Jen.; Nicole; Ali; Ash
From: Katie
Date: November 20, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

What’s a homemade colonic entail….????

Katie

To: Morgan; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Jen.; Nicole; Katie; Ash
From: Ali
Date: November 26, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

Sorry for not writing back. I’ve been SoulCycling, shopping, and waxing non-stop. Nicole — can you send me an RFP for the homemade colonic night for when we’re back though?

Jen — you are so lucky all this is behind you. Are you nervous about all your relatives at Thanksgiving asking about when you are gonna start trying for a baby?? It’s like — that’s none of their business, lol. But yeah, when are you planning on getting pregnant? You guys have been married almost a year and a half, and it doesn’t seem like you’re super leaning in to you career. I think you guys should start trying now, so you can have a summer baby and we can do a late spring baby shower!!! LMK if you need fertility app suggestions.

Anyhoo — I’m at the airport right now, I’ve already taken two xanaxes and I’m on my second Chili’s Too Mango-rita. I’m so excited for tonight!!!!!

Love! Ali

To: Morgan; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Jen.; Ali; Katie; Ash
From: Nicole
Date: November 26, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

Happy Thanksgiving Eve!!!! Have you guys been listening to Cereal?? Are you all deleting Uber cause of feminism?? Should we take Lyfts? Do you want my code so I can get free rides?? YAY!!!! (I am so druuuuuuunk right now) I love Thanksgiving Eve and my bbs!!!!

xoxo Nic

To: Morgan; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Jen.; Ali; Nicole; Ash
From: Katie
Date: November 26, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

Can everyone please remember to send me your potential viral content? I have to work Thanksgiving day (so busy!) and would really like to scoop the rest of the digital media world (haha lmk if you don’t know wtf i’m talking about)

Katie

To: Morgan; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Jen.; Ali; Nicole; Katie
From: Ash
Date: November 26, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

I can live-tweet a fake conversation and you can write an article on it and then we can go viral?? Is that how this works? So fun!

Ash

ps- Ali, its already midnight HOW IS YOUR NIGHT GOING TELL ME EVERYTHINGGGGGGGG

To: Morgan; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Ash.; Ali; Nicole; Katie
From: Jen
Date: November 27, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

I woke up (went to bed at 9, B and I were sooo tired!) to check in and see what is going on with you, Al…CHECK IN???? – JEN

To: Morgan; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Ash.; Jen; Nicole; Katie
From: Ali
Date: November 27, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

Hiiii bbs!

So Jeff looooks sooo cute! I luuuv him so much! I kept pretending I didn’t notice him, then I went up to him and said all seductive that our relationship reminds me of The Fault in Our Stars. I only saw the trailer but they seemed so cute and in love! He’s still talking to Molly and has been for hours, hahha classic The Game. It is ON

To: Ali; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Ash.; Jen; Nicole; Katie
From: Morgan
Date: November 27, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

OMG…what you need to do now is walk back and forth a few times and glare at Molly. Guys love when girls fight over them. Spill a drink on her!!!

Morgan

To: Ali; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Morgan.; Jen; Nicole; Katie
From: Ash
Date: November 27, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

This is so cute!! Super Ross and Rachel!!!

Ash

To: Ali; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Morgan.; Jen; Ash; Katie
From: Nicole
Date: November 27, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

Hi Ladies!

This is so crazy! So last night I met this guy who graduated like five years before me, and he’s one of the co-founders of this app that just got bought. He kept talking about VD investors and how his app just got bought. VD — Katie, what does this mean??! I hope he doesn’t have like, crabs or something. Anyway, he’s so cute!

We’re going out when we’re back in NY!!!!! I just facebook friended him, so can everyone login now and tell me if I am prettier than his ex-gfs?? I’m so excited!!!!

xx, Nic

To: Ali; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Morgan.; Jen; Ash; Nicole
From: Katie
Date: November 27, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

It’s VC and I’ll send you a one-pager about it later. Also I’ve read a few articles about him and he seems pretty douchey!!! But they always say men will change for the right woman so I wouldn’t worry.

To: Katie; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Morgan.; Jen; Ash; Nicole
From: Ali
Date: November 27, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

Hi Ladies,

So Jeff ended up leaving with Molly — which is so all’s well that end’s well. I can’t believe I did this — but I hooked up last night!!!!!! With one of my dad’s recently divorced friends. I am such a Padma. Do you think I should tell my parents during Thanksgiving dinner that we’re not dating?? Do you think he’ll text? Wait. Do Baby Boomers know what texting is??

OMG what if I’m a step-mom?? That seems like a really fun relationship that usually isn’t too complicated, cause the kids usually love you and don’t resent you right??

Please advise. I am such a Catherine Zeta Jones Douglas.

Ali!

To: Katie; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Ali.; Jen; Ash; Nicole
From: Morgan
Date: November 27, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

Omg they always say older men are sensual love-makers. Did you feel really like, connected? Did you make eye contact? Did you think about your dad????

Morgan

To: Katie; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Morgan.; Jen; Ash; Nicole
From: Ali
Date: November 27, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

Ladies,

OMG it was so connected! Like crying (me) and setting the mood with CNBC in the background (him). I was picturing Jeff during only 80% of it. Should I text first?? Do older men know about emojis??? It’s just so refreshing to meet a guy who is looking for a true partner — why else would you date a woman significantly younger, right!

PLEASE ADVISE!!!

Katie — I need you in particular. I know you know about older men cause you dated like a million TAs in college.

Ali

To: Ali; Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Morgan.; Jen; Ash; Nicole
From: Katie
Date: November 27, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

Okay hold on I’m on deadline and then I’ll email you back after I file. Also CNBC????? hmmmmm……

To: Katie, Allison; [email protected]; Caitlin; Ashley; Morgan.; Jen; Ash; Nicole
From: Ali
Date: November 27, 2014
Subject: Friendsgiving

Hey Ladies!

I’ve never dated a baby boomer — should I get him something from the SkyMall catalog for Christmas??

Please email me back by EOD if you would like to me organize our holiday soiree this year! I’ll price out some private rooms in the Meatpacking!!!

SO glad Thanksgiving is behind us!!

YAY DECEMBER!!!!!

<3 Ali

ps – Nicole can you please stop emailing me about the at-home colonic idea? I like you, just not like that lol

Tags: caroline moss, friendsgiving, hey ladies, humor, michelle markowitz, the shudder of recognition

Michelle Markowitz & Caroline Moss

145 Comments

houblonchouffe +80 December 8, 2014 6:10 pm

Oh Ali, never change

Rutabaga +83 December 8, 2014 6:12 pm

*breathes rapidly into paper bag*

aravisthequeen +164 December 8, 2014 6:16 pm

CAN SOMEONE BRIEF ME ON NEWS???

CAN SOMEONE BRIEF ME ON NEWS????

That will be echoing in my head repeatedly for a week now.

also, “Quebecian.” I am dying.

mandarinmarie +13 December 8, 2014 6:40 pm

THAT IS MY FAVORITE THING ALSO
Ethylbenzene +73 December 8, 2014 7:14 pm

“A lot of times I don’t read them myself … Just read a few grafs (journo speak) from some of the links I put on Facebook, you guys, I just don’t get why you want to make life sheltered for yourselves.”

::dies::
mbculver +14 December 9, 2014 12:47 am

Yes, Quebecian, i.e. what they speak in Canadia.

JocastaCarr +161 December 8, 2014 6:17 pm

“Did you think about your dad????”

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *cringes myself into oblivion* *

*is resurrected at “should I get him something from the SkyMall catalog for Christmas??”*

plspassthePinot +20 December 8, 2014 6:33 pm

This is my fav one my fav thing my fav everthing
TheAntiHumorEquation +54 December 8, 2014 10:46 pm

So, the next Dad Magazine needs both a list of the Best SkyMall Christmas Gifts and a scare piece on your daughter dating your divorced friend.
velvt_tea +7 December 9, 2014 3:21 pm

it was so good, because as they got to the end, the horribleness escalated.

Susi +82 December 8, 2014 6:17 pm

I am so emotionally invested in these girls.

llama-j +64 December 8, 2014 6:20 pm

Hyperventilating in anticipation of reading FOUR pages of Hey Ladies!

alyssabarringer +22 December 8, 2014 7:40 pm

I clapped my hands in glee when I got to the bottom and saw I was only on page 1 of 4.

Frumiosa +68 December 8, 2014 6:20 pm

I’m in the middle of reading but just had to ask – are flannel shirts and floppy hats back In Style? Asking for a friend who has not stopped wearing floral and Docs since 1995.

anninyn +22 December 8, 2014 6:25 pm

Flannel shirts have been back in at least a year this side of the pond, but I don’t know about the floppy hats.
1. rkfire +8 December 8, 2014 7:58 pm
  
  Got a floppy hat on sale from Anthropologie this summer so.. can confirm? Or it’s already passe. Fuck it, they’re fun.
hugpunch +22 December 8, 2014 6:46 pm

I was out shopping for Black Friday and looked around and was fulfilled, because tomboy style is back.
rkfire +32 December 8, 2014 7:57 pm

Docs are back now and it makes me so, so smug.

Signed,
A woman who bought Docs when she was 16 and never put them away.
1. daisicles +12 December 8, 2014 9:17 pm
  
  16 year old me is super jealous of 16 year old you.
  
  Which is why 30 year old me is currently saving for her first pair of Docs now that she has a bit more cash than she did as a teenager.
laurensherm +27 December 8, 2014 8:04 pm

I’m gonna go with, “everything from the 90s is back,” or at least that is what I tell myself when I put on my overalls.
1. PotterPotterson +9 December 8, 2014 8:44 pm
  
  It’s true. My childhood dress dreams can now be re-fulfilled.
2. daisicles +11 December 8, 2014 9:20 pm
  
  They really must be. I’ve been continually horrified by the floral patterns that I’ve been seeing pop up since 2009; it’s like a flashback to my elementary school class pictures. I found a dress for sale last year that looked exactly like the dress I wore to my 6th grade spring dance in 1997… I came perilously close to buying it, even though I didn’t even like it that much the first time around.
3. The_Backson +13 December 9, 2014 5:28 am
  
  My roommate saw a woman wearing butterfly clips a few days ago. The 90s are officially back.
  1. HotDoom +11 December 9, 2014 1:46 pm
    
    no. nooo. nuuuuuuuuuuuu

ppyajunebug +110 December 8, 2014 6:20 pm

ALI’S EMAIL SIGNATURES THO

She probably skipped all the boring war stuff in Mockingjay. And the other books. And wants to live in the Capital.

And she WOULD be a GOOP fan. Just waiting for her to consciously uncouple.

Frumiosa +58 December 8, 2014 6:33 pm

EPIPHANY: ALI IS EFFIE TRINKET
1. winterbymorning +83 December 8, 2014 6:36 pm
  
  hdu, Effie has a lot more emotional depth than Ali
winterbymorning +45 December 8, 2014 6:33 pm

do baby boomers even know what conscious uncoupling is???
maggiegrift +63 December 8, 2014 8:36 pm

“Wanting to live in the capital” is this year’s “throwing a Gatsby party”

kilks401 +67 December 8, 2014 6:21 pm

I’m not done yet, but this, “What’s a homemade colonic entail….????” is making me shudder and gasp at my desk in ways I hope my co workers did not hear.

winterbymorning +60 December 8, 2014 6:21 pm

Kudos to Allison, Charlotte and Caitlin for not getting involved in this hot mess. I am very curious about those three. I like to imagine that they joined Nicole for at-home colonics after Ali rejected her so publicly and cruelly. (especially since Ali is the one who brought up group colonics in the first place.) But I also like to think that they would stay far away from things like at-home colonics. Hmm.

aravisthequeen +37 December 8, 2014 6:34 pm

I’m so curious about Charlotte. Who is she?!??! MYSTERY WOMAN.
1. winterbymorning +14 December 8, 2014 6:37 pm
  
  I feel like we have never heard from Charlotte even once in the entire Hey ladies series. My one regret is that I don’t have time this afternoon to re-read the series and tally up their individual contributions.
  1. HeyThatsMyBike +50 December 8, 2014 6:54 pm
    
    We haven’t. I think that’s why her email shows up as her email address still! She has never responded, so her name has never populated as her actual name!
    Oh Charlotte you mysterious recluse!
    1. aravisthequeen +79 December 8, 2014 7:03 pm
      
      I want to know more about Charlotte, Lady of Mystery. I’m somehow envisioning all these emails being routed directly into her spam filter, which she then reads laughing and cringing like we all do.
      
      ONE OF US
    2. plspassthePinot +22 December 8, 2014 7:10 pm
      
      Perfect. This is canon.
    3. Ethylbenzene +42 December 8, 2014 7:17 pm
      
      I feel like we discussed this last time and we decided that Charlotte is definitely filtering these emails and also that we would like to be friends with her.
      
      OH maybe she has dramatic re-enactments with her “real” friends after four (or, ok, let’s be real, five) beers.
    4. sansdromeda +36 December 8, 2014 7:50 pm
      
      And after Grace’s escape, reached out to her a few months later and commiserates.
    5. velvt_tea +18 December 8, 2014 9:18 pm
      
      she has sent a couple of polite emails directly to sender (not replying-to-all) asking to be removed from the thread, but they were ignored. so she set up a gmail filter to automatically archive anything from those email addresses and that was that
    6. nikkijhu +21 December 8, 2014 9:46 pm
      
      this was my thought about Charlotte. It’s also precisely what I do for all those “Moms of Preschoolers (MOPs)” emails mistakenly delivered to me.
    7. EPWordsnatcher +7 December 8, 2014 11:48 pm
      
      Are you a MOP, Nicole? ARE YOU?
    8. nikkijhu +17 December 8, 2014 11:56 pm
      
      I am. But I’m not joining any groups, and certainly not groups in states where I do not live. (“Next month’s potluck theme: Mexican fiesta!!!” …I’m not even kidding with this.)
    9. EPWordsnatcher +20 December 8, 2014 11:59 pm
      
      Horrifying. Start spamming them with pictures of actual mops, maybe.
Linette +78 December 8, 2014 8:21 pm

One day I want an email series between Allison, Charlotte, Grace, and Caitlin catching up on each other’s lives and dropping little asides to our hot mess here. “I ran into Ali once downtown and she kept staring at some attractive guy across the street. I asked if she knew him and she just said, ‘He knows ME.’ I’m not sure what that meant but I was kind of scared to ask.”
1. sansdromeda +18 December 8, 2014 8:50 pm
  
  Yes, except I think those conversations happen in person over fortnightly dinners that are just so much a part of routine, they very very rarely ever have to email about it. Which is handy, because Grace kind of gets twitchy about email now.
  1. tinypaperme +8 December 9, 2014 7:13 pm
    
    *whispers* I…kind of want to write that series now.
    
    Actually, you know what, I kind of want to make a video series of those fortnightly dinners. Because I imagine them imitating other folks in the group using the same voice I use when I’m imitating a particularly dim student.
    1. heyalain +11 December 10, 2014 3:11 am
      
      If you write Hey Ladies fanfiction, I will sponsor that post.
Gigi +11 January 14, 2015 6:19 am

Charlotte responded once in the brunch thread!

To: Ali; Nicole; Allison; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Morgan L.; Katie; Jen
From: Charlotte
Date: August 15, 2013
Subject: they see me brunchin’

I’m down for an Uber! LOLOLOL

Charlotte

Alli525 +28 December 8, 2014 6:22 pm

SCREAMING IN HORROR. ALL OF IT … AUGHHHH

this was so wonderful. my jaw was on the ground for like 95% of this one… amazing job, I am thankful for Hey Ladies 🙂

AVincennes +225 December 8, 2014 6:23 pm

“doesn’t seem like you’re super leaning in to you career.”

This encapsulates everything that is pitch perfect about this series.

plspassthePinot +51 December 8, 2014 6:23 pm

I… no words.

Actually — WOW — THE MOCKINGJAY QUOTE OMG

I LOOOOOVE BITCHY MORGAN WHERE DID SHE COME FROM?! (in a bad way!)

plspassthePinot +107 December 8, 2014 6:31 pm

“Omg they always say older men are sensual love-makers. Did you feel really like, connected? Did you make eye contact? Did you think about your dad???? – Morgan” — MORGAN! SHADE QUEEN aka The Shadiest aka Lady of the Shade. I LOVE IT.

canadienne +31 December 8, 2014 6:24 pm

totally in the middle of reading, but had to stop because LIFE GOAL RIGHT HERE: (besides becoming fluent in the Quebecian dialect of French)
… aaaaaaaand back to reading from behind my hands.

Girl Named Jack +13 December 8, 2014 6:25 pm

I really needed this today. It’s just so good.

Laura +5 December 8, 2014 6:28 pm

“Quebecian.” Tee hee hee heeeeeeeeeee!

KayTay +77 December 8, 2014 6:28 pm

Would it be too Hey Ladies to tweet this at my roommates who keep trying to pressure me to buy pleather leggings??? Asking for a friend!!

aravisthequeen +32 December 8, 2014 6:32 pm

I would personally tweet them the Friends scene with the leather pants, as that is the only thing I can think of when I spy someone wearing pleather leggings.

(Actually this is hypothetical as I’ve never seen someone wearing such a thing, for which I am profoundly grateful.)
1. Ethylbenzene +14 December 8, 2014 7:18 pm
  
  I will never not laugh at Ross in his leather pants.
grape_fruit +4 December 9, 2014 1:32 am

That’s a real thing!?

catrontgen +128 December 8, 2014 6:29 pm

“But yeah, when are you planning on getting pregnant? You guys have been married almost a year and a half, and it doesn’t seem like you’re super leaning in to you career…LMK if you need fertility app suggestions.”

fucking BRUTAL

velvt_tea +18 December 9, 2014 3:23 pm

hahahaha jen totally dug her own grave with her humble-bragging

evieskye +70 December 8, 2014 6:29 pm

Morgan is right to thankful for free seltzer.

safvn +6 December 8, 2014 6:48 pm

This was exactly my thought.
bird_internet +10 December 8, 2014 7:19 pm

I also have free seltzer (+ various other free non-coffee beverages) and when people ask me if I like my job I always mention it.
1. socallmeshirley +13 December 9, 2014 1:21 am
  
  My previous job had free seltzer of many different flavors as well as free string cheese.
  
  No, I don’t know why I ever left.
  1. grape_fruit +10 December 9, 2014 1:32 am
    
    Free string cheese? That is my dream.
  2. tinypaperme +10 December 9, 2014 7:16 pm
    
    My job has hand sanitizer, some unclaimed condiment packets in the fridge, and all the plastic spoons you could ever want.
    1. annieleeroth +8 December 10, 2014 1:15 am
      
      Lucky! My work only has one plastic spoon, and it’s been washed and put away numerous times, so I don’t feel entirely safe using it.

Steph +18 December 8, 2014 6:32 pm

besides becoming fluent in the Quebecian dialect of French

Ahahaha! Perfection.

ETA: VD investors!!!

etcetc99 +18 December 8, 2014 6:43 pm

Imagining the timestamps for Thanksgiving Eve into Thanksgiving adds another dimension to this trainwreck.

ru_ri +44 December 8, 2014 6:45 pm

My new theory: Ali is a Balrog.

Battle_Swine +6 December 8, 2014 8:42 pm

Thank you– I really needed a laugh today, and you just gave it to me.
1. ru_ri +6 December 8, 2014 8:49 pm
  
  Oh, I am glad! Yes it sounds like you are having a rough day–my very best wishes to your little doggie. I just can’t imagine how scary it is for you (and him) and my heart goes out to you both.
  1. Battle_Swine +4 December 8, 2014 9:03 pm
    
    Thank you for the kind words. I truly do appreciate them!
BestLaidPlans +13 December 8, 2014 9:14 pm

As long as she doesn’t have wings.

phlippin +18 December 8, 2014 6:45 pm

Delightfully horrifying, as always! God bless Nicole the mooch and Katie the aspiring media disruptor.

HeyThatsMyBike +34 December 8, 2014 6:50 pm

Never change*, Hey Ladies ladies!

*They will definitely never change.

doublehoagie +108 December 8, 2014 6:52 pm

“Have you guys been listening to Cereal??” !!

ectocool +157 December 8, 2014 6:54 pm

Katie’s career trajectory is by far my favorite part of this series. She’s absolutely working for a startup that’s violating at least 50 labor laws.

highjump +34 December 8, 2014 7:39 pm

I love Katie’s social media junkie-ness. So true to life, so hilarious.
thebellewitch +28 December 8, 2014 7:40 pm

She seems so desperate! I am worried about her.
blushingflower +35 December 8, 2014 9:05 pm

She’s just Leaning In!

shahea +60 December 8, 2014 6:56 pm

Pausing in my reading to say that I may never again agree with Ali on anything ever, but this line is gold: What’s that? Yeah, I just look this effortlessly fierce all the time, thanks.

Tamsyn +31 December 8, 2014 9:31 pm

This is legit something that my friends and I make sure we look like. This is why I love these women, they’re *so awful* because it’s like holding up a mirror, like one of those funhouse mirrors that’s definitely you but also you’re all weird and misshapen and exaggerated and omg this comment is turning into a Hey Ladies email metaphor thread someone stop me before I offend you with my hatred for floppy hats.

bibliobotic +64 December 8, 2014 7:01 pm

I was reading and realized I had my shoulders all hunched up around my ears, and then I looked and saw I was only like halfway through, and I had to take a breather. I love these so much, but they make me so tense. I’M REALLY INTO CEREAL RIGHT NOW.

lilsebastian01 +38 December 8, 2014 7:57 pm

I actually really am into cereal right now, i bought two whole boxes.

Ethylbenzene +58 December 8, 2014 7:20 pm

Quebecian dialect of French you guys.

“I love floppy hats!!! I am trying not to feel offended by your comment but it’s really hard to ignore. Can you contact me for a one-on-one to flesh this out?”

It is ON. I would really like to hear how this shook out.

rkfire +28 December 8, 2014 8:03 pm

I love, LOVE, that this is one of the first direct confrontations they’ve had in email, and it’s over floppy hats.

citizenchristy +71 December 8, 2014 7:25 pm

“But they always say men will change for the right woman so I wouldn’t worry.”

DO THEY

L_Bear +36 December 8, 2014 7:29 pm

anyone else read these through their fingers?

ru_ri +9 December 8, 2014 8:51 pm

Absolutely. Have to take a break halfway through as well to get my blood pressure down.
1. femaelstrom +18 December 9, 2014 11:09 am
  
  My blood pressure is freakishly low. I think I should start reading these before my doctors’ appointments so they stop asking me “are you an athlete?” and “are you dead?”
annieleeroth +2 December 10, 2014 1:17 am

My heart races every time I click on them and I have to take frequent breaks while reading. So stressful OMG!

paddlepickle +59 December 8, 2014 7:44 pm

I miss Grace.

Also I was hoping they’d plan a Friendsgiving but nobody would bring actual food, just mini-cupcakes and Skinny Girl vodka.

EnchiladaTaco +100 December 8, 2014 7:44 pm

“Maybe those are bigger in Westchester, but we have a totally different type of aesthetic in Connecticut. Check out GOOP for inspiration.”

*screaming*

Also, the PLOT TWIST of Ali fucking some random middle aged divorced dude while he watches CNBC out of the corner of his eye and hopes his Cialis kicks in! Ali only seeing the trailer for The Fault In Our Stars and thinking it’s a cute happy story!

ALI ALI ALI, in general.

Ethylbenzene +21 December 8, 2014 8:38 pm

ONE OF HER DAD’S FRIENDS OH MY GOD
1. tinypaperme +12 December 9, 2014 7:18 pm
  
  It’s going to turn out that she dated his son for a while in college.

ejbaker13 +82 December 8, 2014 7:52 pm

Just here to say that today my coworker started an internal chat channel for the four women in my office entitled “Ladies”, for the sole purpose of discussing what we are wearing to the office holiday party.

L_Bear +27 December 8, 2014 7:56 pm

Screenshots, please, please.
CaroWR +27 December 8, 2014 10:57 pm

I’m (sadly) on the party planning committee at work because my office has control of the party budget and two of the five of the women start every party-related email with ‘Hey Ladies’ and I think of the Hey Ladies every time and automatically tense up.

BobOfSeals +20 December 8, 2014 7:55 pm

“jurno speak”

“a one on one to flesh this out”

“need you guys avail 24/7”

I am having a panic attack and I have two more pages left?!

eeeeeeeeep

Hththe1st +31 December 8, 2014 8:01 pm

I almost didn’t even make it past the first e-mail. I don’t know that I believe these girls (CHILDREN! JESUS, THEY ARE CHILDREN!) would even know who Alanis is, but granting the premise, there was just something so surreal about that quote… three nouns that Ali clearly has no relationship with and probably could not define. That line, in that context — it’s like a koan, somehow. I just have to keep reading it and I feel the whole concept of words meaning things slipping away from me….

sarahsaysssoo +55 December 8, 2014 8:04 pm

I wore leather leggings last weekend. Also, a flannel shirt to brunch. Am i part of the problem?

BobOfSeals +75 December 8, 2014 8:10 pm

I wore leather leggings with a Beyonce sweatshirt to brunch I am 100% the problem.
1. sarahsaysssoo +22 December 8, 2014 8:11 pm
  
  leather leggings are amazingly versatile and fun and also sexy badass.
TheclaAndSeals +8 December 8, 2014 8:25 pm

I have a pinterest board of leather (ok: pleather) leggings, so…
HeyThatsMyBike +45 December 8, 2014 8:40 pm

Let’s set up a one-on-one to flesh this out.
PotterPotterson +7 December 8, 2014 8:48 pm

Not with the flannel, no. Never. Never the problem!
socallmeshirley +4 December 9, 2014 1:23 am

I just want to know where I can get some leather leggings.
1. sarahsaysssoo +1 December 9, 2014 2:08 pm
  
  madewell, jcrew, nordstroms, ann taylor, neimans, probably other places too

BobOfSeals +22 December 8, 2014 8:06 pm

Waaait is Katie now the worst? I mean, Ali is a monster but Katie’s agressive social media speak is so infuriating.

Ethylbenzene +27 December 8, 2014 8:41 pm

It seems like it’s not Katie’s fault but more her toxic workplace? I hope she decides to quit and run away to write some kind of insufferable white girl memoir about some place “exotic” that teaches her how to love or whatever.
1. EPWordsnatcher +73 December 8, 2014 11:52 pm
  
  “I Left My <3 in Africa”

Linette +95 December 8, 2014 8:24 pm

Okay is anyone else worried that Ali apparently has tried and tested all the fertility apps to the point that she can make recommendations?

First: Ali is totally the kind of girl who gets pregnant intentionally because then you HAVE to get married, right?

And also: Ali as mother. Nooooooooo RUN TINY GAMETE RUN

ru_ri +27 December 8, 2014 8:53 pm

OK, you just brought a new dimension of horror to this whole thing. Nightmares!
sulagna0 +17 December 8, 2014 9:38 pm

That’s exactly what I thought. Reverse Rosemary’s baby!
tinypaperme +15 December 9, 2014 7:19 pm

“RUN TINY GAMETE RUN” is making me laugh a lot louder in my office than is socially acceptable.

katrinamhall +30 December 8, 2014 8:33 pm

Major takeaway from today’s Hey Ladies + comments: maybe I should think about buying leather(pleather) leggings?

PotterPotterson +8 December 8, 2014 8:49 pm

And pair them with flannel?
1. katrinamhall +6 December 8, 2014 9:27 pm
  
  Of course! So I guess I’m also thinking about buying some flannel, too….
thecaitd +7 December 8, 2014 8:56 pm

Having the same thought. They would look soooooo good on me

thecaitd +21 December 8, 2014 8:50 pm

Holy bananas
CNBC
private rooms in Meatpacking
I can’t

blushingflower +54 December 8, 2014 9:09 pm

I find myself feeling sorry for Ali. That level of naivete of thinking that fucking a dude means you are dating him just makes me want to “oh, honey” her.

tekkah +24 December 8, 2014 10:01 pm

DID YOU THINK ABOUT YOUR DAD

wheezing

L_Bear +3 December 9, 2014 9:31 am

This was the climax for me
1. L_Bear +4 December 9, 2014 9:31 am
  
  That and the fertility apps

Sophia +40 December 8, 2014 10:05 pm

I couldn’t figure out why this post had so many comments because I read it and I was like “heh that was pretty funny” but nothing unusual, so I scrolled back up and realized that there were THREE more pages. That’s what Christmas is all about, my friends.

jenintheclouds +5 December 8, 2014 10:39 pm

WHO IS CHARLOTTE THOUGH?!

actualmeg +18 December 8, 2014 10:44 pm

I am concerned about Nicole and also her financial situation.

yrpretendfriend +30 December 8, 2014 11:38 pm

courtesy of drunkjcrew.tumblr.com

blunderbusst +9 December 9, 2014 1:00 am

Oh god. drunkjcrew.tumblr.com. And I never worked again.

raqueue +29 December 8, 2014 11:49 pm

“Like crying (me) and setting the mood with CNBC in the background (him)” This visual just will not leave my head.

Unreadaethel +1 December 9, 2014 12:43 am

Wait, who’s Ash? I can’t keep track of the cast of characters here.

dakimel +12 December 9, 2014 7:52 am

Nicole’s poverty is becoming An Issue; she’s not even trying to hide it anymore. Is she more comfortable with the group (hahahaha as if that’s possible) or has her situation gotten so much worse that she has no filter?

Which is to say: holiday gift exchange; stomach in knots. Ali will just be dense about it, but Morgan will CUT her.

L_Bear +11 December 9, 2014 9:35 am

My guess is that she will start attributing it to a) thrift culture as seen in a buzzfeed list or b) some kind of spiritual journey she read about in a bestseller (“I’m detoxing you guys, but from the capitalism causing toxins, not the cellulite causing ones,”), or she will get pushed out of the group. OR she will start charging them for home made colonics?
femaelstrom +7 December 9, 2014 11:15 am

Has Nicole always been like this? Has she always been a slightly desperate hanger-on in the group, hoping her financial situation will somehow improve by hanging around with these ladies? Or is this a recent thing? Did she lose her job at the start-up when it collapsed after six months and the CEO skipped town? I feel like it has to be somewhat recent; I can’t really imagine the Hey Ladies willingly befriending a poor person. But we just don’t know. What tangled lives the Hey Ladies lead.

velvt_tea +4 December 9, 2014 3:17 pm

there are so many good parts to this I don’t even know where to start quoting. i reread the whole thing again this morning.
MORE!!!!

indrabbit +1 December 9, 2014 6:19 pm

This was awesome and I kinda wanna passive-aggresively post in on facebook. Also, Jen and Brad?

EDIT: I didn’t know there were other Hey Ladies entries :B I am sorry for pointing out something that has surely been pointed out ad nauseam.

The Elitist Semicolon December 9, 2014 7:13 pm

*whispers* I…kind of want to write that series now.

Actually, you know what, I kind of want to make a video series of those fortnightly dinners. Because I imagine them imitating other folks in the group using the same voice I use when I'm imitating a particularly dim student.

The Elitist Semicolon December 9, 2014 7:16 pm

My job has hand sanitizer, some unclaimed condiment packets in the fridge, and all the plastic spoons you could ever want.

The Elitist Semicolon December 9, 2014 7:18 pm

It's going to turn out that she dated his son for a while in college.

The Elitist Semicolon December 9, 2014 7:19 pm

"RUN TINY GAMETE RUN" is making me laugh a lot louder in my office than is socially acceptable.

vine fruit +23 December 10, 2014 1:18 am

I want there to be a Hey Ladies wiki so that I can follow everyone’s storylines from update to update because I feel like I’m missing out on an important kind of intimacy with these women

Alain December 10, 2014 3:11 am

If you write Hey Ladies fanfiction, I will sponsor that post.

Emily +1 April 3, 2015 6:26 pm

Any chance we can get a new Hey Ladies post sometime sooooooon? I’m missing the ladies.

houblonchouffe +80 December 8, 2014 6:10 pm

Oh Ali, never change
Rutabaga +83 December 8, 2014 6:12 pm

*breathes rapidly into paper bag*
aravisthequeen +164 December 8, 2014 6:16 pm

CAN SOMEONE BRIEF ME ON NEWS???

CAN SOMEONE BRIEF ME ON NEWS????

That will be echoing in my head repeatedly for a week now.

also, “Quebecian.” I am dying.
1. mandarinmarie +13 December 8, 2014 6:40 pm
  
  THAT IS MY FAVORITE THING ALSO
2. Ethylbenzene +73 December 8, 2014 7:14 pm
  
  “A lot of times I don’t read them myself … Just read a few grafs (journo speak) from some of the links I put on Facebook, you guys, I just don’t get why you want to make life sheltered for yourselves.”
  
  ::dies::
3. mbculver +14 December 9, 2014 12:47 am
  
  Yes, Quebecian, i.e. what they speak in Canadia.
JocastaCarr +161 December 8, 2014 6:17 pm

“Did you think about your dad????”

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *cringes myself into oblivion* *

*is resurrected at “should I get him something from the SkyMall catalog for Christmas??”*
1. plspassthePinot +20 December 8, 2014 6:33 pm
  
  This is my fav one my fav thing my fav everthing
2. TheAntiHumorEquation +54 December 8, 2014 10:46 pm
  
  So, the next Dad Magazine needs both a list of the Best SkyMall Christmas Gifts and a scare piece on your daughter dating your divorced friend.
3. velvt_tea +7 December 9, 2014 3:21 pm
  
  it was so good, because as they got to the end, the horribleness escalated.
Susi +82 December 8, 2014 6:17 pm

I am so emotionally invested in these girls.
llama-j +64 December 8, 2014 6:20 pm

Hyperventilating in anticipation of reading FOUR pages of Hey Ladies!
1. alyssabarringer +22 December 8, 2014 7:40 pm
  
  I clapped my hands in glee when I got to the bottom and saw I was only on page 1 of 4.
Frumiosa +68 December 8, 2014 6:20 pm

I’m in the middle of reading but just had to ask – are flannel shirts and floppy hats back In Style? Asking for a friend who has not stopped wearing floral and Docs since 1995.
1. anninyn +22 December 8, 2014 6:25 pm
  
  Flannel shirts have been back in at least a year this side of the pond, but I don’t know about the floppy hats.
  1. rkfire +8 December 8, 2014 7:58 pm
    
    Got a floppy hat on sale from Anthropologie this summer so.. can confirm? Or it’s already passe. Fuck it, they’re fun.
2. hugpunch +22 December 8, 2014 6:46 pm
  
  I was out shopping for Black Friday and looked around and was fulfilled, because tomboy style is back.
3. rkfire +32 December 8, 2014 7:57 pm
  
  Docs are back now and it makes me so, so smug.
  
  Signed,
  A woman who bought Docs when she was 16 and never put them away.
  1. daisicles +12 December 8, 2014 9:17 pm
    
    16 year old me is super jealous of 16 year old you.
    
    Which is why 30 year old me is currently saving for her first pair of Docs now that she has a bit more cash than she did as a teenager.
4. laurensherm +27 December 8, 2014 8:04 pm
  
  I’m gonna go with, “everything from the 90s is back,” or at least that is what I tell myself when I put on my overalls.
  1. PotterPotterson +9 December 8, 2014 8:44 pm
    
    It’s true. My childhood dress dreams can now be re-fulfilled.
  2. daisicles +11 December 8, 2014 9:20 pm
    
    They really must be. I’ve been continually horrified by the floral patterns that I’ve been seeing pop up since 2009; it’s like a flashback to my elementary school class pictures. I found a dress for sale last year that looked exactly like the dress I wore to my 6th grade spring dance in 1997… I came perilously close to buying it, even though I didn’t even like it that much the first time around.
  3. The_Backson +13 December 9, 2014 5:28 am
    
    My roommate saw a woman wearing butterfly clips a few days ago. The 90s are officially back.
    1. HotDoom +11 December 9, 2014 1:46 pm
      
      no. nooo. nuuuuuuuuuuuu
ppyajunebug +110 December 8, 2014 6:20 pm

ALI’S EMAIL SIGNATURES THO

She probably skipped all the boring war stuff in Mockingjay. And the other books. And wants to live in the Capital.

And she WOULD be a GOOP fan. Just waiting for her to consciously uncouple.
1. Frumiosa +58 December 8, 2014 6:33 pm
  
  EPIPHANY: ALI IS EFFIE TRINKET
  1. winterbymorning +83 December 8, 2014 6:36 pm
    
    hdu, Effie has a lot more emotional depth than Ali
2. winterbymorning +45 December 8, 2014 6:33 pm
  
  do baby boomers even know what conscious uncoupling is???
3. maggiegrift +63 December 8, 2014 8:36 pm
  
  “Wanting to live in the capital” is this year’s “throwing a Gatsby party”
kilks401 +67 December 8, 2014 6:21 pm

I’m not done yet, but this, “What’s a homemade colonic entail….????” is making me shudder and gasp at my desk in ways I hope my co workers did not hear.
winterbymorning +60 December 8, 2014 6:21 pm

Kudos to Allison, Charlotte and Caitlin for not getting involved in this hot mess. I am very curious about those three. I like to imagine that they joined Nicole for at-home colonics after Ali rejected her so publicly and cruelly. (especially since Ali is the one who brought up group colonics in the first place.) But I also like to think that they would stay far away from things like at-home colonics. Hmm.
1. aravisthequeen +37 December 8, 2014 6:34 pm
  
  I’m so curious about Charlotte. Who is she?!??! MYSTERY WOMAN.
  1. winterbymorning +14 December 8, 2014 6:37 pm
    
    I feel like we have never heard from Charlotte even once in the entire Hey ladies series. My one regret is that I don’t have time this afternoon to re-read the series and tally up their individual contributions.
    1. HeyThatsMyBike +50 December 8, 2014 6:54 pm
      
      We haven’t. I think that’s why her email shows up as her email address still! She has never responded, so her name has never populated as her actual name!
      Oh Charlotte you mysterious recluse!
      1. aravisthequeen +79 December 8, 2014 7:03 pm
        
        I want to know more about Charlotte, Lady of Mystery. I’m somehow envisioning all these emails being routed directly into her spam filter, which she then reads laughing and cringing like we all do.
        
        ONE OF US
      2. plspassthePinot +22 December 8, 2014 7:10 pm
        
        Perfect. This is canon.
      3. Ethylbenzene +42 December 8, 2014 7:17 pm
        
        I feel like we discussed this last time and we decided that Charlotte is definitely filtering these emails and also that we would like to be friends with her.
        
        OH maybe she has dramatic re-enactments with her “real” friends after four (or, ok, let’s be real, five) beers.
      4. sansdromeda +36 December 8, 2014 7:50 pm
        
        And after Grace’s escape, reached out to her a few months later and commiserates.
      5. velvt_tea +18 December 8, 2014 9:18 pm
        
        she has sent a couple of polite emails directly to sender (not replying-to-all) asking to be removed from the thread, but they were ignored. so she set up a gmail filter to automatically archive anything from those email addresses and that was that
      6. nikkijhu +21 December 8, 2014 9:46 pm
        
        this was my thought about Charlotte. It’s also precisely what I do for all those “Moms of Preschoolers (MOPs)” emails mistakenly delivered to me.
      7. EPWordsnatcher +7 December 8, 2014 11:48 pm
        
        Are you a MOP, Nicole? ARE YOU?
      8. nikkijhu +17 December 8, 2014 11:56 pm
        
        I am. But I’m not joining any groups, and certainly not groups in states where I do not live. (“Next month’s potluck theme: Mexican fiesta!!!” …I’m not even kidding with this.)
      9. EPWordsnatcher +20 December 8, 2014 11:59 pm
        
        Horrifying. Start spamming them with pictures of actual mops, maybe.
2. Linette +78 December 8, 2014 8:21 pm
  
  One day I want an email series between Allison, Charlotte, Grace, and Caitlin catching up on each other’s lives and dropping little asides to our hot mess here. “I ran into Ali once downtown and she kept staring at some attractive guy across the street. I asked if she knew him and she just said, ‘He knows ME.’ I’m not sure what that meant but I was kind of scared to ask.”
  1. sansdromeda +18 December 8, 2014 8:50 pm
    
    Yes, except I think those conversations happen in person over fortnightly dinners that are just so much a part of routine, they very very rarely ever have to email about it. Which is handy, because Grace kind of gets twitchy about email now.
    1. tinypaperme +8 December 9, 2014 7:13 pm
      
      *whispers* I…kind of want to write that series now.
      
      Actually, you know what, I kind of want to make a video series of those fortnightly dinners. Because I imagine them imitating other folks in the group using the same voice I use when I’m imitating a particularly dim student.
      1. heyalain +11 December 10, 2014 3:11 am
        
        If you write Hey Ladies fanfiction, I will sponsor that post.
3. Gigi +11 January 14, 2015 6:19 am
  
  Charlotte responded once in the brunch thread!
  
  To: Ali; Nicole; Allison; Caitlin; Ashley; Katie; Morgan L.; Katie; Jen
  From: Charlotte
  Date: August 15, 2013
  Subject: they see me brunchin’
  
  I’m down for an Uber! LOLOLOL
  
  Charlotte
Alli525 +28 December 8, 2014 6:22 pm

SCREAMING IN HORROR. ALL OF IT … AUGHHHH

this was so wonderful. my jaw was on the ground for like 95% of this one… amazing job, I am thankful for Hey Ladies 🙂
AVincennes +225 December 8, 2014 6:23 pm

“doesn’t seem like you’re super leaning in to you career.”

This encapsulates everything that is pitch perfect about this series.
plspassthePinot +51 December 8, 2014 6:23 pm

I… no words.

Actually — WOW — THE MOCKINGJAY QUOTE OMG

I LOOOOOVE BITCHY MORGAN WHERE DID SHE COME FROM?! (in a bad way!)
1. plspassthePinot +107 December 8, 2014 6:31 pm
  
  “Omg they always say older men are sensual love-makers. Did you feel really like, connected? Did you make eye contact? Did you think about your dad???? – Morgan” — MORGAN! SHADE QUEEN aka The Shadiest aka Lady of the Shade. I LOVE IT.
canadienne +31 December 8, 2014 6:24 pm

totally in the middle of reading, but had to stop because LIFE GOAL RIGHT HERE: (besides becoming fluent in the Quebecian dialect of French)
… aaaaaaaand back to reading from behind my hands.
Girl Named Jack +13 December 8, 2014 6:25 pm

I really needed this today. It’s just so good.
Laura +5 December 8, 2014 6:28 pm

“Quebecian.” Tee hee hee heeeeeeeeeee!
KayTay +77 December 8, 2014 6:28 pm

Would it be too Hey Ladies to tweet this at my roommates who keep trying to pressure me to buy pleather leggings??? Asking for a friend!!
1. aravisthequeen +32 December 8, 2014 6:32 pm
  
  I would personally tweet them the Friends scene with the leather pants, as that is the only thing I can think of when I spy someone wearing pleather leggings.
  
  (Actually this is hypothetical as I’ve never seen someone wearing such a thing, for which I am profoundly grateful.)
  1. Ethylbenzene +14 December 8, 2014 7:18 pm
    
    I will never not laugh at Ross in his leather pants.
2. grape_fruit +4 December 9, 2014 1:32 am
  
  That’s a real thing!?
catrontgen +128 December 8, 2014 6:29 pm

“But yeah, when are you planning on getting pregnant? You guys have been married almost a year and a half, and it doesn’t seem like you’re super leaning in to you career…LMK if you need fertility app suggestions.”

fucking BRUTAL
1. velvt_tea +18 December 9, 2014 3:23 pm
  
  hahahaha jen totally dug her own grave with her humble-bragging
evieskye +70 December 8, 2014 6:29 pm

Morgan is right to thankful for free seltzer.
1. safvn +6 December 8, 2014 6:48 pm
  
  This was exactly my thought.
2. bird_internet +10 December 8, 2014 7:19 pm
  
  I also have free seltzer (+ various other free non-coffee beverages) and when people ask me if I like my job I always mention it.
  1. socallmeshirley +13 December 9, 2014 1:21 am
    
    My previous job had free seltzer of many different flavors as well as free string cheese.
    
    No, I don’t know why I ever left.
    1. grape_fruit +10 December 9, 2014 1:32 am
      
      Free string cheese? That is my dream.
    2. tinypaperme +10 December 9, 2014 7:16 pm
      
      My job has hand sanitizer, some unclaimed condiment packets in the fridge, and all the plastic spoons you could ever want.
      1. annieleeroth +8 December 10, 2014 1:15 am
        
        Lucky! My work only has one plastic spoon, and it’s been washed and put away numerous times, so I don’t feel entirely safe using it.
Steph +18 December 8, 2014 6:32 pm

besides becoming fluent in the Quebecian dialect of French

Ahahaha! Perfection.

ETA: VD investors!!!
etcetc99 +18 December 8, 2014 6:43 pm

Imagining the timestamps for Thanksgiving Eve into Thanksgiving adds another dimension to this trainwreck.
ru_ri +44 December 8, 2014 6:45 pm

My new theory: Ali is a Balrog.
1. Battle_Swine +6 December 8, 2014 8:42 pm
  
  Thank you– I really needed a laugh today, and you just gave it to me.
  1. ru_ri +6 December 8, 2014 8:49 pm
    
    Oh, I am glad! Yes it sounds like you are having a rough day–my very best wishes to your little doggie. I just can’t imagine how scary it is for you (and him) and my heart goes out to you both.
    1. Battle_Swine +4 December 8, 2014 9:03 pm
      
      Thank you for the kind words. I truly do appreciate them!
2. BestLaidPlans +13 December 8, 2014 9:14 pm
  
  As long as she doesn’t have wings.
phlippin +18 December 8, 2014 6:45 pm

Delightfully horrifying, as always! God bless Nicole the mooch and Katie the aspiring media disruptor.
HeyThatsMyBike +34 December 8, 2014 6:50 pm

Never change*, Hey Ladies ladies!

*They will definitely never change.
doublehoagie +108 December 8, 2014 6:52 pm

“Have you guys been listening to Cereal??” !!
ectocool +157 December 8, 2014 6:54 pm

Katie’s career trajectory is by far my favorite part of this series. She’s absolutely working for a startup that’s violating at least 50 labor laws.
1. highjump +34 December 8, 2014 7:39 pm
  
  I love Katie’s social media junkie-ness. So true to life, so hilarious.
2. thebellewitch +28 December 8, 2014 7:40 pm
  
  She seems so desperate! I am worried about her.
3. blushingflower +35 December 8, 2014 9:05 pm
  
  She’s just Leaning In!
shahea +60 December 8, 2014 6:56 pm

Pausing in my reading to say that I may never again agree with Ali on anything ever, but this line is gold: What’s that? Yeah, I just look this effortlessly fierce all the time, thanks.
1. Tamsyn +31 December 8, 2014 9:31 pm
  
  This is legit something that my friends and I make sure we look like. This is why I love these women, they’re *so awful* because it’s like holding up a mirror, like one of those funhouse mirrors that’s definitely you but also you’re all weird and misshapen and exaggerated and omg this comment is turning into a Hey Ladies email metaphor thread someone stop me before I offend you with my hatred for floppy hats.
bibliobotic +64 December 8, 2014 7:01 pm

I was reading and realized I had my shoulders all hunched up around my ears, and then I looked and saw I was only like halfway through, and I had to take a breather. I love these so much, but they make me so tense. I’M REALLY INTO CEREAL RIGHT NOW.
1. lilsebastian01 +38 December 8, 2014 7:57 pm
  
  I actually really am into cereal right now, i bought two whole boxes.
Ethylbenzene +58 December 8, 2014 7:20 pm

Quebecian dialect of French you guys.

“I love floppy hats!!! I am trying not to feel offended by your comment but it’s really hard to ignore. Can you contact me for a one-on-one to flesh this out?”

It is ON. I would really like to hear how this shook out.
1. rkfire +28 December 8, 2014 8:03 pm
  
  I love, LOVE, that this is one of the first direct confrontations they’ve had in email, and it’s over floppy hats.
citizenchristy +71 December 8, 2014 7:25 pm

“But they always say men will change for the right woman so I wouldn’t worry.”

DO THEY
L_Bear +36 December 8, 2014 7:29 pm

anyone else read these through their fingers?
1. ru_ri +9 December 8, 2014 8:51 pm
  
  Absolutely. Have to take a break halfway through as well to get my blood pressure down.
  1. femaelstrom +18 December 9, 2014 11:09 am
    
    My blood pressure is freakishly low. I think I should start reading these before my doctors’ appointments so they stop asking me “are you an athlete?” and “are you dead?”
2. annieleeroth +2 December 10, 2014 1:17 am
  
  My heart races every time I click on them and I have to take frequent breaks while reading. So stressful OMG!
paddlepickle +59 December 8, 2014 7:44 pm

I miss Grace.

Also I was hoping they’d plan a Friendsgiving but nobody would bring actual food, just mini-cupcakes and Skinny Girl vodka.
EnchiladaTaco +100 December 8, 2014 7:44 pm

“Maybe those are bigger in Westchester, but we have a totally different type of aesthetic in Connecticut. Check out GOOP for inspiration.”

*screaming*

Also, the PLOT TWIST of Ali fucking some random middle aged divorced dude while he watches CNBC out of the corner of his eye and hopes his Cialis kicks in! Ali only seeing the trailer for The Fault In Our Stars and thinking it’s a cute happy story!

ALI ALI ALI, in general.
1. Ethylbenzene +21 December 8, 2014 8:38 pm
  
  ONE OF HER DAD’S FRIENDS OH MY GOD
  1. tinypaperme +12 December 9, 2014 7:18 pm
    
    It’s going to turn out that she dated his son for a while in college.
ejbaker13 +82 December 8, 2014 7:52 pm

Just here to say that today my coworker started an internal chat channel for the four women in my office entitled “Ladies”, for the sole purpose of discussing what we are wearing to the office holiday party.
1. L_Bear +27 December 8, 2014 7:56 pm
  
  Screenshots, please, please.
2. CaroWR +27 December 8, 2014 10:57 pm
  
  I’m (sadly) on the party planning committee at work because my office has control of the party budget and two of the five of the women start every party-related email with ‘Hey Ladies’ and I think of the Hey Ladies every time and automatically tense up.
BobOfSeals +20 December 8, 2014 7:55 pm

“jurno speak”

“a one on one to flesh this out”

“need you guys avail 24/7”

I am having a panic attack and I have two more pages left?!

eeeeeeeeep
Hththe1st +31 December 8, 2014 8:01 pm

I almost didn’t even make it past the first e-mail. I don’t know that I believe these girls (CHILDREN! JESUS, THEY ARE CHILDREN!) would even know who Alanis is, but granting the premise, there was just something so surreal about that quote… three nouns that Ali clearly has no relationship with and probably could not define. That line, in that context — it’s like a koan, somehow. I just have to keep reading it and I feel the whole concept of words meaning things slipping away from me….
sarahsaysssoo +55 December 8, 2014 8:04 pm

I wore leather leggings last weekend. Also, a flannel shirt to brunch. Am i part of the problem?
1. BobOfSeals +75 December 8, 2014 8:10 pm
  
  I wore leather leggings with a Beyonce sweatshirt to brunch I am 100% the problem.
  1. sarahsaysssoo +22 December 8, 2014 8:11 pm
    
    leather leggings are amazingly versatile and fun and also sexy badass.
2. TheclaAndSeals +8 December 8, 2014 8:25 pm
  
  I have a pinterest board of leather (ok: pleather) leggings, so…
3. HeyThatsMyBike +45 December 8, 2014 8:40 pm
  
  Let’s set up a one-on-one to flesh this out.
4. PotterPotterson +7 December 8, 2014 8:48 pm
  
  Not with the flannel, no. Never. Never the problem!
5. socallmeshirley +4 December 9, 2014 1:23 am
  
  I just want to know where I can get some leather leggings.
  1. sarahsaysssoo +1 December 9, 2014 2:08 pm
    
    madewell, jcrew, nordstroms, ann taylor, neimans, probably other places too
BobOfSeals +22 December 8, 2014 8:06 pm

Waaait is Katie now the worst? I mean, Ali is a monster but Katie’s agressive social media speak is so infuriating.
1. Ethylbenzene +27 December 8, 2014 8:41 pm
  
  It seems like it’s not Katie’s fault but more her toxic workplace? I hope she decides to quit and run away to write some kind of insufferable white girl memoir about some place “exotic” that teaches her how to love or whatever.
  1. EPWordsnatcher +73 December 8, 2014 11:52 pm
    
    “I Left My <3 in Africa”
Linette +95 December 8, 2014 8:24 pm

Okay is anyone else worried that Ali apparently has tried and tested all the fertility apps to the point that she can make recommendations?

First: Ali is totally the kind of girl who gets pregnant intentionally because then you HAVE to get married, right?

And also: Ali as mother. Nooooooooo RUN TINY GAMETE RUN
1. ru_ri +27 December 8, 2014 8:53 pm
  
  OK, you just brought a new dimension of horror to this whole thing. Nightmares!
2. sulagna0 +17 December 8, 2014 9:38 pm
  
  That’s exactly what I thought. Reverse Rosemary’s baby!
3. tinypaperme +15 December 9, 2014 7:19 pm
  
  “RUN TINY GAMETE RUN” is making me laugh a lot louder in my office than is socially acceptable.
katrinamhall +30 December 8, 2014 8:33 pm

Major takeaway from today’s Hey Ladies + comments: maybe I should think about buying leather(pleather) leggings?
1. PotterPotterson +8 December 8, 2014 8:49 pm
  
  And pair them with flannel?
  1. katrinamhall +6 December 8, 2014 9:27 pm
    
    Of course! So I guess I’m also thinking about buying some flannel, too….
2. thecaitd +7 December 8, 2014 8:56 pm
  
  Having the same thought. They would look soooooo good on me
thecaitd +21 December 8, 2014 8:50 pm

Holy bananas
CNBC
private rooms in Meatpacking
I can’t
blushingflower +54 December 8, 2014 9:09 pm

I find myself feeling sorry for Ali. That level of naivete of thinking that fucking a dude means you are dating him just makes me want to “oh, honey” her.
tekkah +24 December 8, 2014 10:01 pm

DID YOU THINK ABOUT YOUR DAD

wheezing
1. L_Bear +3 December 9, 2014 9:31 am
  
  This was the climax for me
  1. L_Bear +4 December 9, 2014 9:31 am
    
    That and the fertility apps
Sophia +40 December 8, 2014 10:05 pm

I couldn’t figure out why this post had so many comments because I read it and I was like “heh that was pretty funny” but nothing unusual, so I scrolled back up and realized that there were THREE more pages. That’s what Christmas is all about, my friends.
jenintheclouds +5 December 8, 2014 10:39 pm

WHO IS CHARLOTTE THOUGH?!
actualmeg +18 December 8, 2014 10:44 pm

I am concerned about Nicole and also her financial situation.
yrpretendfriend +30 December 8, 2014 11:38 pm

courtesy of drunkjcrew.tumblr.com
1. blunderbusst +9 December 9, 2014 1:00 am
  
  Oh god. drunkjcrew.tumblr.com. And I never worked again.
raqueue +29 December 8, 2014 11:49 pm

“Like crying (me) and setting the mood with CNBC in the background (him)” This visual just will not leave my head.
Unreadaethel +1 December 9, 2014 12:43 am

Wait, who’s Ash? I can’t keep track of the cast of characters here.
dakimel +12 December 9, 2014 7:52 am

Nicole’s poverty is becoming An Issue; she’s not even trying to hide it anymore. Is she more comfortable with the group (hahahaha as if that’s possible) or has her situation gotten so much worse that she has no filter?

Which is to say: holiday gift exchange; stomach in knots. Ali will just be dense about it, but Morgan will CUT her.
1. L_Bear +11 December 9, 2014 9:35 am
  
  My guess is that she will start attributing it to a) thrift culture as seen in a buzzfeed list or b) some kind of spiritual journey she read about in a bestseller (“I’m detoxing you guys, but from the capitalism causing toxins, not the cellulite causing ones,”), or she will get pushed out of the group. OR she will start charging them for home made colonics?
2. femaelstrom +7 December 9, 2014 11:15 am
  
  Has Nicole always been like this? Has she always been a slightly desperate hanger-on in the group, hoping her financial situation will somehow improve by hanging around with these ladies? Or is this a recent thing? Did she lose her job at the start-up when it collapsed after six months and the CEO skipped town? I feel like it has to be somewhat recent; I can’t really imagine the Hey Ladies willingly befriending a poor person. But we just don’t know. What tangled lives the Hey Ladies lead.
velvt_tea +4 December 9, 2014 3:17 pm

there are so many good parts to this I don’t even know where to start quoting. i reread the whole thing again this morning.
MORE!!!!
indrabbit +1 December 9, 2014 6:19 pm

This was awesome and I kinda wanna passive-aggresively post in on facebook. Also, Jen and Brad?

EDIT: I didn’t know there were other Hey Ladies entries :B I am sorry for pointing out something that has surely been pointed out ad nauseam.
The Elitist Semicolon December 9, 2014 7:13 pm

*whispers* I…kind of want to write that series now.

Actually, you know what, I kind of want to make a video series of those fortnightly dinners. Because I imagine them imitating other folks in the group using the same voice I use when I'm imitating a particularly dim student.
The Elitist Semicolon December 9, 2014 7:16 pm

My job has hand sanitizer, some unclaimed condiment packets in the fridge, and all the plastic spoons you could ever want.
The Elitist Semicolon December 9, 2014 7:18 pm

It's going to turn out that she dated his son for a while in college.
The Elitist Semicolon December 9, 2014 7:19 pm

"RUN TINY GAMETE RUN" is making me laugh a lot louder in my office than is socially acceptable.
vine fruit +23 December 10, 2014 1:18 am

I want there to be a Hey Ladies wiki so that I can follow everyone’s storylines from update to update because I feel like I’m missing out on an important kind of intimacy with these women
Alain December 10, 2014 3:11 am

If you write Hey Ladies fanfiction, I will sponsor that post.
Emily +1 April 3, 2015 6:26 pm

Any chance we can get a new Hey Ladies post sometime sooooooon? I’m missing the ladies.

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