Bills, Bills, Bills: Melancholy Murray Surprises Fans Across the Nation -The Toast

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Christian Brown’s previous work for The Toast can be found here.



Yesterday, residents of Glenwood were surprised to find Bill Murray, star of Stripes, sitting on a park bench overlooking the East River and slowly weeping. He turned away all who would comfort him for the entire day. As soon as the sun sank below the skyline at his back, he stood without a word and left. Local residents report that the bench he sat on has since disappeared.

Gene writes in to say: “I always read stories like this and assumed they were fake, but this actually happened to me! I was sitting in a strip club, minding my own business, when I felt hands reach up to cover my eyes and a beard tickle my neck as someone leaned in real close and a voice whispered ‘Guess who.’ I thought maybe this was the worst bouncer ever, but nope — it was Bill goddamn Murray! From Charlie’s Angels! He signed a twenty and tipped the dancer before he left saying, ‘No one will ever believe you.’”


Allan Cornwall entered the church’s dressing room on his wedding day to find Bill Murray waiting for him. The actor, star of Lost in Translation, immediately knocked him over the head with a pipe wrench. “I was scared at the time, yeah, but also I knew this’d make a great cocktail party story,” says Allan of the incident. “When I came to, I staggered into the church, where I saw Bill, in MY tuxedo, marrying [my fiancée] Kate!” Bill and Kate were happily wedded on September 20th, and Allan was turned away from the reception. He wasn’t on the guest list.

Fans of a minor league baseball team were shocked to see Bill Murray working as a ballboy last thursday. The star of The Man Who Knew Too Little was seen dozing off in a little folding chair near third base during the Frederick Keys game against the Myrtle Beach Pelicans, occasionally kicking stray foul balls into the dugout. Several players were seen taking selfies next to Murray’s sleeping figure, until he tilted his cap low enough to obscure his face. The Keys lost 6-2.


A shocked family spotted Bill Murray, star of Osmosis Jones, in a most unlikely place – the operating room! Ed Connors was tearfully saying goodbye to her elderly mother before she entered surgery to have a cancerous growth removed, when he looked up to see the surgeon waiting for her. “It was hard to tell with the face mask thing, but it was DEFINITELY Bill Murray. He smiled benevolently at me, leaned down to whisper in my ear that everything would be ok, and escorted my mother into the O.R.” Mr. Connors’ mother died in surgery three hours later.

Police are currently looking for leads in the case of a young boy who went missing last weekend. The child’s parents report that while visiting the Milwaukee County Zoo, their son approached a balloon salesman with a gondolier’s mustache. The mustachioed man allegedly tied his bunch of balloons around the boy’s waist, sending him floating gently up and away. The balloon salesman dashed away, tearing off his mustache as he fled the scene. The parents insist that they recognized the twinkling eyes of Bill Murray, star of Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties. As he ran past them, he murmured, “No one will ever find him.”

Illustrator: Matt Lubchansky makes comics and occasionally leaves his apartment in New York. His work includes Please Listen to Me and New Amsterdam Mystery Company. He’s on Twitter, and doesn’t expect you to get his name right.

Christian Brown is an animator based out of Los Angeles who doesn't let that stop him from making up dumb detective names.

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