Jesse Berney’s previous work for The Toast can be found here.
The Avengers is the best comic book movie of all time, and anyone who disagrees is a shill for the Batman-industrial complex. It introduced us to the greatest team of superheroes the big screen has ever seen, and then it sent them their separate ways.
But they didn’t stop saving the world. In the three Marvel Cinematic Universe movies that have followed the Avengers, individual team members have faced catastrophic threats to our very existence — and they faced them largely on their own.
Why didn’t they call their fellow Avengers when the world was on the line?
Or did they?
IRON MAN 3
Thor, buddy, how’s it going?
How did you get this number?
Listen, remember that time we all saved New York and the rest of Earth from invading aliens?
Wait, how did you even call me? We don’t have phones in Asgard.
Yeah big guy that’s great. Look I’ve got someone here who wants to kill the president and I could really use a ha–
The president? This is the king of your Earth?
No, he’s not the king of earth, he’s just…he runs the country I’m from.
Ah, so he is your supreme ruler for life.
No, we vote on a new one every four years.
I see.
He’s very important and he’s–
You know I’m basically the king of an entire dimension, right?
—
Cap, I need some help big-time. I’ve got a scientist who breathes fire who wants to kill the president.
Tony, you promised you’d stop this.
Okay, I admit I was lying about the crisis at the North Pole and I’m sorry that’s how you found out there wasn’t a Santa Claus. But this time it’s for real.
There is no fire-breathing scientist trying to kill the president, Tony and if there were, I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t be the one telling me about it.
So call Nick Fury or whoever you need to verify and get your ass…
{…can I get another mai-tai? Thanks.} Tony, I just don’t think I’m going to be able to make to this one, sorry.
Did you say mai-tai?
Yeah, trying to fit one more in before my massage in a half hour. Look, if the president is still in mortal danger in a couple of days, definitely let me know.
—
Bruce, are you ready to hulk out with your bulk out?
You have to stop saying that.
Cool, whatever, just meet me on this ship in like an hour, I need you to beat some ass and help save the president.
Nah. I voted for the other guy.
I don’t really see what that has to do with…
He wants to gut school budgets but somehow manages to find money to funnel to secret tesseract weapons projects?
Okay, but he’s the president and I need you…
I suppose you just love that capital gains tax cut.
It’s not about…
It just makes ME. SO. MAD.
I’m gonna go.
THOR: THE DARK WORLD
Captain, this is Thor. The very fabric of existence is at stake, and I could use your assistance.
Tony, you don’t even sound like him.
This is not Tony Stark. Captain, everything we know in my realm and yours will soon disappear into nothingness if you do not…
Tony, I was sleeping.
You must awaken immediately and join me, for the entire universe is at stake.
Tony, I’m hanging up now.
—
Who was that you said was trying to destroy the nine realms?
Dark elves.
Elves? Like Keebler elves?
What are Keebler elves?
They bake cookies.
I do not believe these elves bake cookies.
So they’re like Lord of the Rings elves?
What are Lord of the R–
By the way, I managed to save the president that time. Everything worked out in the end, thanks so much for asking.
—
Thor, I heard you’re looking for a hand.
Oh that’s so great Clint thanks so much for getting in touch it’s just that there’s this giant red field of energy that’s going to destroy the entire universe, and I’m not sure shooting arrows at it will be much help.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER
Thor, listen. Agents of HYDRA have infiltrated SHIELD and are trying to…
I only understood three of those words.
Okay, remember that big ship we were on? That was run by SHIELD. They’re the good guys.
I thought we were the good guys.
Right, we are the good guys. And so is SHIELD.
Ah yes, all those men scurrying around, they seemed pleasant.
Well it turns out a whole lot of them are from HYDRA, and they’ve taken over…
HYDRA?
Bad guys.
Monsters?
No, just normal guys. But bad.
If they’re normal, why don’t you just throw that round thing you carry around at them?
Well I’ve been throwing it around quite a bit, frankly, but there are a lot of them, and they have guns.
This sounds like more of an internal Earth disagreement. I don’t think I should get involved.
This is important, and I…
Seriously, how do you people keep calling my helmet?
—
You want me to smash what?
Three new helicarriers in the basement of SHIELD headquarters.
Which cost about how much?
Around six trillion dollars or so. Is that a lot these days?
Yeah Steve, that’s a lot of money. I’m not smashing three helicarriers for you.
Well, could you just smash the headquarters up a little for me? Even minimal smashing would be super helpful.
You know I’m the smartest scientist in the world, right? I can do more than just smash things.
Oh, I know. That’s great.
Yeah.
So about the smashing…
I’m gonna go.
—
You’ve reached the personal number of Tony Stark. Sorry I can’t get to your call right now, but leave your name and number after the beep and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible. BEEEEEEEP
Tony, it’s Natasha. Please call me as soon as you get this. SHIELD has been compromised and Steve and I are on the…
Ha, I can’t believe you fell for that.
What?
You really can’t tell the difference between a beep and someone saying “beeeep”?
Yeah, that’s great. Steve and I have literally every agent in SHIELD trying to kill us.
Classic Tony. Nailed it.
Never mind.
Illustrator: Matt Lubchansky makes comics and occasionally leaves his apartment in New York. His work includes Please Listen to Me and New Amsterdam Mystery Company. He’s on Twitter, and doesn’t expect you to get his name right.
Tags: even minimal smashing would be super helpful, friendship, humor, jesse berney, matt lubchansky, movies, superheroes, the avengers
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Tony Stark and Sterling Archer are the same person. It makes perfect sense.
“do you want to get nanobots? That’s how you get nanabots!”
Poor Hawkeye. It’s okay little buddy, your comic book is the best anyway (even if you’re only the second best Hawkeye).
Have I mentioned lately how much I like Hawkeye?
HawkGuy is one of the best things to happen to a superhero ever — he tries so hard! He loves his dumb dog! He doesn’t know how the stock market works!
Captain America called him that one time!
Matt Fraction implied that he thought of that because his kids said it first!
That whole family is just delightful.
“you done fucked up now mall rabbit”–still the best reaction to a seasonal mascot there has ever been.
Katie Kate needs to be added to the MCU post haste. POST HASTE, I SAY.
EEEEEEEEE
this is just
so friggin’ good
You rang?
……….. oh. (looks down, crestfallen)
Dying. Dead.
You. You win.
nbd just going to prop my chin in my hands and stare glassily into space at the thought of Cap in a tropical paradise, getting his mai tai on and wearing as little as humanly possible #AMERICA
Cap just marveling at the number of tropical fruit combination available.
Cap gleefully pointing to something he’s never heard of on the menu then being deluged with new and exciting foods by a bemused but happy chef. Cap discovering mangoes. Cap learning to surf, guys, I want Civil War to turn into Steve and Bucky’s Beach Jamboree (Guest Starring Sam and Natasha and Tony)
“surf rock band starts up” Put down the SHEILD / And get some Vita Rays / It’s a Super Beach Party in the USA!
Me too. And Thor: Ragnarok to turn into “Ragnarok-and-Roll,” where Darcy and Heimdall follow their favorite band around the world.
Absolutely, this, yes now please and thank you.
I cannot tell you the cash money I would pay for a Wacky Roadtrip Movie set in the Thorverse with Heimdall involved.
And Sif, having a hell of a fun time without caring about human social conventions.
Can they drag Pepper Potts along? She spends all her time with Tony, she probably needs a vacation. Plus I feel like she and Sif would bond through being mutually baffled by Darcy.
Glad to know you and I are still brain twins. Now let’s picture Natasha sitting next to him. And Bucky. And Sam.
I want to Thumbs Up this comment infinity times.
Sounds like the best environment for Cap to repatriate/cheer up his boyfriend Bucky if you ask me.
That is an excellent thought to ruminate on while I eat my sad desk salad and it is frigid and gloomy outside. Thank you for this.
“He wants to gut school budgets but somehow manages to find money to funnel to secret tesseract weapons projects?
Okay, but he’s the president and I need you…
I suppose you just love that capital gains tax cut.”
I seriously read those lines and went: “oh shit!” like I was witnessing a real life takedown of Tony Stark’s vaguely right-wing politics. I am a dork and you are awesome =)
Also I like that Bruce Banner has Mark Ruffalo’s real life politics.
That is what I came here to say! Of course he and Tony Stark are going to be at loggerheads whenever they’re not doing science.
“Yeah Steve, that’s a lot of money. I’m not smashing three helicarriers for you.”
You can hear him quietly seething about those six trillion dollars! Six trillion dollars is a lot of clean water and vaccines!
I love you people so much
I suspect you did this just for Tom Hiddleston’s birthday, and I know I am
Bless this gif and bless you.
Aw. Credit where it’s due.
I was just coming here to ask if you nabbed that from copperbadge today!
Look, Hawkeye has been busy, you know, farming things.
Back when the Ultron teaser hit and we see them on a farm – I wrote this
Something happens to cause Clint to say this:
Clint: We could use my farm.
*everyone but Nat goes agog.*
Steve: You have a farm?
Clint: Well, hobby farm, it’s my family’s.
Tony: What do you farm exactly?
Clint: *mumbling* it’s mostly used for rehearsal space
Tony: I’m sorry wingman? What?
Clint: They need the space for …the trapeze and ..stuff
Steve: your family is …
Clint: *muttering more* …in the circus…
*everyone but Nat’s jaws drop.*
Tony: Cirvus folk, suddently everything makes sense.
I am fully behind the ‘he named various farm animals after Natasha’ head cannon.
Then you should (if you haven’t already) read a fic called Washed Ashore on AO3 by Kathar (I can’t link because I’m at work), in which a key early plot point revolves around a chicken named Natasha.
Have you written a thing involving the fish of your name?
The illustrations for this piece fill me with joy. Especially Thor’s phone.
I love my petty, dysfunctional superhero team.
I love hawkeye and always will
Tony and Thor got what they deserved for not even bothering to call Natasha. Jesus, what morons.
Right? And Steve has Natasha on speed-dial (probably because when she showed him how to twenty-first century she programmed her phone number in), and the ONLY reason Hawkeye wasn’t part of that adventure was because he was actively doing an adventure by himself. Or lost his phone again.
I love that when Thor gets on the horn to someone it’s a LITERAL horn.
I don’t like the implication that Spider-man 2 isn’t even in the running for best comic book movie.
“Yeah, trying to fit one more in before my massage in a half hour. Look, if the president is still in mortal danger in a couple of days, definitely let me know.” IM CRYING
I just love this more than the other things I’ve read today.
“Hulk out with my bulk out” is the pick-up line that I’m gonna try on my wife tonight
These guys need to keep Hulk on speed dial. The entire third act of Winter Soldier could have been solved in 5 minutes with a Hulk.