I write this to you at an ungodly hour (BEFORE 8AM) from a local Starbucks, as California’s first storm in 100 years has knocked the Internet clean out from my grandmother’s house. (I’ve been staying there this week, I didn’t just go to a Starbucks in, like, SOLIDARITY.)
Anyhow. I’m eating one of those breakfast sandwiches they have here, which are actually pretty terrific, except for the fact that they serve them on English muffins and not biscuits. Breakfast sandwiches are best on biscuits, then English muffins. Let us not speak of breakfast sandwiches on croissants or worse yet, bagels.
Please enjoy your weekend in the best way you know how.
Tags: get outta here, open thread
Hello, Toasties! This has been a week of ups and downs, but in self-care news, I am heading to a new doctor this afternoon (cross your fingers she is a good one who will listen to symptoms) and am taking a three-day weekend.
How are you taking care of yourself lately?
Congrats to you, and good luck!
Like @ginkgotree, I am taking a drinking hiatus (as of Jan. 1). I am also possibly ditching out on a Christmas party tomorrow night – the gent who invited me is very nice, but I’m not interested in dating him and I’m in dire need of alone time.
Good luck with the new doctor. That’s something I need to do but can’t deal with at the moment…
I’m taking care of myself by giving myself permission to do the bare minimum. It’s so so unlike me, especially at the holidays, but I can’t this year. I’m emotionally drained. So until January I’m not allowed to make any big decisions and I can only do the bare minimum so I don’t burn myself out. And the bare minimum will be okay! And I will too!
I had been sleeping on two horrible flat-as-board pillows for like a year now, so I asked for an early Christmukkah present of two gorgeous down pillows and my whole LIFE is better now. I also got a humidifier, a SAD lamp, slippers and a scented neck pillow. I’ll go outside again sometime in April and I am READY for this winter.
Good luck with the new doctor! I need to spend some time with the healthcare.gov website to find better insurance that will let me keep my doctor; I refuse to give up a good one now that I have her.
I’m taking tonight off from my to-do list and eating pizza, drinking gin, and watching Parks & Rec. And then I’m spending the weekend curled up with my SAD lamp, catching up on my reading and working on the Christmas knitting. I’ve had two solid weekends of houseguests, and I am ready for some quality spinster time.
Did some of my procrastinated errands on the way to work this morning, including getting my flu shot.
I went to a new doctor this very morning! He reminded me viscerally of Chris Traegar and was so delighted to order me vaccines, and it was so much less stressful than I’d anticipated.
i’m figuring out how to use this thing you grown ups refer to as “Insurance”. i haven’t had it in so long that my brain thinks “doctors & pills = impossibly expensive so don’t even bother!”. i’ve put off some appointments and let some prescriptions lapse but NO MORE! (i had a migraine last weekend but was out of my meds and it was *awful*.)
i found a pharmacy that takes my insurance, transferred & filled my scripts. i’ve made a list of docs i need to have and am creating a list of providers from my insurer’s website. my plan is to have had consultations and developed a care/treatment plan with each of them by june.
i mean, i’m 36. i need to start getting this ol’ body machine looked after on the regular, ya know?
Yay that is great news!
MrChouffe just went through this. Isn’t it great? Thanks, Obama (seriously, THANKS OBAMA, you have saved us)
I’m eating oatmeal and bananas and tea even because my stomach ulcer is acting up, even though those foods are boring as hell. And tonight I’m probably going to go to bed at like 9.
I finally bit the bullet and I am going to try this Korean spa situation that everyone seems to love. The spa here is women-only (cis-women-only, unfortunately, about which I feel unhappy) and involves being naked and I am scared of it but it sounds so lovely, and also then I get to eat Korean barbecue. I might go this weekend or next. Please reassure me that it’s not super awkward. I’ve never even had a massage!
It’s only awkward for a minute or two, basically the time it takes to get into the nearest soaking pool and have a look around. If you are really uncomfortable with the whole idea, start with the earth-energy rooms, where you are allowed to keep wearing your robe.
A coworker gave me a pep talk and told me all about how it works at this particular spa, and now I’m super excited and bummed that I might have to wait until next weekend. SPA!
Wildly awkward for the first ten seconds, then wonderful as soon as you realize that nobody gives a rip. Looking around at all the lumpy asymmetrical silliness that is the naked human body (BUTTS ARE RIDICULOUS, who thought butts were a good idea?) in an unsexualized environment where there is endless hot water and nothing to do but scrub yourself and soak is absolutely my jam.
Yay! Thank you!
Oh man, let us know how it goes! I’m fascinated by Korean spas and really want to go to one.
Productivity (hopefully)! I get in funks where I do nothing, feel terrible because I’m doing nothing, and then continue to do nothing because I feel terrible. So this should be a weekend of re-proving to myself that I can Get Shit Done.
Hope your doctor works out!
I’ve been listening to dharma talks for at least an hour every day, and it’s doing me some good 😀
Hope this will see you well after your doctor visit!
I’ve been practicing self-care by trying to work out a minimum of times per week, and increasing my medication. And getting all those doctor’s visits in before the end of the year and the end of no-copay.
I have decided to stop torturing my hips/ glute pull and am taking an actual BREAK to let things calm down and heal and also seeing a physical therapist so that I can maybe fix this injury that I have had since…February?
I have a bad cold, and I’m using it as an opportunity to take very good care of myself. I am drinking endless cups of cold care tea and hot toddies with bourbon, making lots of citrus smoothies, eating mint chip ice cream, and watching Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries, Lars and the Real Girl, and Empire Records with my cat. Right now I’m making a carrot coconut soup with sriracha and lime that Orangette posted recently.
my SAD lamp is waiting for me at the post office and SO EXCITED to pick it up.
hope your new Doc is amazing!
Edmonton Toastrons: We are having a meetup tomorrow, at 2:00 pm, at the new Nosh cafe (#102 10235 124 Street). We would love to see you there!
As regards finding each other there: I am not organized enough to say at the moment what clothes I will be wearing, but I will almost certainly be wearing my glasses, which are brown with little turquoise bits at the side of my face. And also a ponytail.
I’ll see you there!
Yay!
Hopefully the other Edmonton folks who were around last Friday have marked it in their calendars.
I’m so disappointed that I couldn’t make it after all! 🙁 I hope everyone else had fun. I was just overwhelmed after losing my job this week, and I couldn’t drag myself out of bed this morning.
That does sound like an overwhelming week. I hope things improve soon.
Thanks for all the birthday well-wishes, Toasties, on Tuesday. My roommate and her boyfriend managed to resuscitate the day in style.
Also there was this blood-spattered medical-implements birthday cake. https://twitter.com/allanaaaaaaa/status/542676119…
Also they gave me a vibrator.
More topically, my first Office Holiday Party is tonight. I imagine it will be quite dreary. My office wife has informed me that there are not nearly as many drunken gropings as in previous years.
STORIES OF YOUR HOLIDAY PARTIES THREAD, GO.
My office’s holiday party was last night. There was a margarita machine, complete with a 6 pack of Costco-brand tequila handles, and an ice luge. I still can’t quite believe it. When I left, the attorneys had just started taking shots of Fireball off said ice luge. It seemed like a good time to get out.
Ok so I am old, I realize, but can someone explain what an ice luge is in the context of parties? This would help explain many Texts From Last Night for me as well.
It’s a giant block of ice , decoratively carved, and with channels in it. The idea is you pour a shot into the top, then kneel down and wait for the (now ice cold) liquor to run down the channel and into your mouth. Don’t ask me why.
Wow. I have never heard of that, and that is extremely silly.
That’s….wow. Ok then! I am definitely old because my immediate reaction is “just put the bottle in a snowdrift or the freezer?”
I have never seen one in real life, but as I have seen it on the intarwebs, it is an ice sculpture with a long tiny slide carved into it, and the idea is that you pour the shot in the top and then open your mouth at the end and the icy-cold shot pours into your mouth and then people cheer.
Is that correct? Someone tell me it’s not correct, it would make me feel much better.
Huh. I guess as far as silly ways to consume liquor go, it’s better than body shots, which always made me angry.
When I was in high school in Phoenix, the best parties were held at a local park. There was a small hill. You bring a block of ice and a piece of cardboard to the top of the hill. The cardboard goes between your bare thighs (all teens wore shorts in Phoenix when I was a kid) and the ice block. Ride it to the bottom of the hill. Push it back to the top for the next person. Fun!
That’s what comes to mind when you tell me “ice luge”.
And way better deserving of the name.
Ours was yesterday. Our boss bought us all lunch at a nice little Italian restaurant in the neighbourhood. There was one of those gift exchanges where everyone draws numbers, which I didn’t participate in. It was nice, but perhaps not all that exciting.
My office holiday party was remarkably tame for my office. It involved getting overly competitive (on purpose) over shuffleboard at a hipster bar, then BBQ at a nearby restaurant after everyone was already full, and home by 11pm. Not bad for people who have been known to get too drunk in the office on a random Friday!
That sounds like the best office holiday party. The. Best.
Mine is tonight and I usually wow everyone with my glorious outfits, no lie, I’ve had people tell me I’m the reason they go–to see what I’m wearing. But last night I came down with a migraine and I’m still pretty delicate today and I don’t think I’m going to be able to go and my glorious ensemble will probably go unworn and unseen.
PUT IT ON AT HOME AND MAKE GIFS OF YOURSELF AND EMAIL THEM TO YOUR COWORKERS
Just, like, you, in sequins, with your hair super huge, frying an egg or replacing the toilet roll or in a succession of comfortable poses on the couch.
Okay, for real, how did you know it involved sequins and big hair? The pièce de résistance, though, is the tulle camouflage skirt I found at the thrift store last Saturday.
I mean what else would it be?
But also I totally want a picture of this skirt now.
I debated on trying to thrift a hideous christmas sweater for tonight’s party but instead I just went semi-dressy (nice blouse and skirt) so I don’t have to change after work. It’s my first year with this company, I’m sure I get some lenience, especially since I have no idea what the atmosphere is really like.
If my headache disappears and the rest of my body chooses to rally, I might still make it. In which case, there will definitely be pics for next week’s OT.
Edit: Also, yes, it’s always better to overdress than underdress, especially if it’s your first year at the annual party.
EMAIL THE PICS TO US TOO THX
Last year at my fiance’s holiday party, he did the classic get-a-little-too-festive-and-dance-with-all-his-coworkers’-wives bit. I watched from the sidelines and giggled “He’s not normally like this!”
This year after my fiance’s holiday party, we went with his coworkers to a local bar and got into a brawl.
We had a pleasant and very mellow outing to a tapas bar, and then a few of us moved on to a cocktail bar where we got tipsy and gossiped about everyone else. No bones or vows broken. So, par for the course essentially.
I went to an office party for a subset of my office last night. It was “white elephant,” and we were told we would be “judged on the creativity of our gift.”
For future reference: when an invitation says that, it means bring booze. I made this: http://www.funathomewithkids.com/2014/03/diy-dino…. Nobody else made a gift. 99% of the other gifts were wine or whiskey. I think the woman who received my gift liked it, but most people gave it the side eye.
DINOSAURS
So, what does “creativity” mean in terms of booze? Look, guys, I got the funny wine brand instead of the fake-fancy wine brand?
You are clearly the best, and that is the lamest White Elephant ever. EVER.
I would have been thrilled to get the dinosaur planter!! (I can buy my own wine, thanks. )
Toast I miss you. I never seem to have time to comment and sometimes even read you! I blame the holidays, as I do for everything that goes wrong in my life. Christmastime is basically the He Man to my Skeletor.
I know, right? There were so many great, great articles this week that I read really fast and wanted to comment on, but just didn’t have time to think of something good to say. But wow, that Lord of the Rings thing? And that Goodnight Moon thing? And the archeological signs thing? And dirtbag theseus? And on the serious side, Roxane’s Bad Victims?
It was all so good. And I commented on none of it.
Right there with you my friend.
Shit talking breakfast sandwiches on bagels and croissants? What? What???
I love a good breakfast sandwich, and the ones I eat most often are on bagels and croissants!
I usually save my bagel sandwiches for lunch, but my breakfast sandwiches are always on english muffins. English muffins come in packs and it is easy to take one out and make a single sandwich. To use biscuits, you have to make an entire tin of biscuits. It’s just not practical.
Truth. Biscuits are for sausage gravy, which you also have to make a big batch of and therefore need some house guests for.
God I could go for some biscuits and sausage gravy. Since my birthday is next week this may be my plan for Sunday lunch. Football and vegetarian sausage gravy.
If you follow basically all the same steps for sausage gravy, but sautee a giant heap of mushrooms in a vat of butter with lots of salt and black pepper (and sage, maybe), the end result is pretty awesome. Not that I, say, make gravy and biscuits enough to have tried that scenario or anything…
What kind of monster is even awake enough during breakfast time to notice what they’re shoving in their craw, let alone care
The ideal breakfast sandwich is whatever’s within arm’s reach that you don’t have to focus on too hard, god don’t ask me what I want it on
Two words: Waffle Taco. For when you REALLY don’t care about breakfast sammies.
(No, never tried it but I have eaten at Taco Bell, also affectionly known as Taco Bomb because of what that “food” does to your intestines).
Yeah a bagel egg & cheese when you’re hungover is unimpeachable.
Croissants eaten any way but plain are abominations. I’ll die on this hill.
A croissant rises: butter has been spread this night.
What about chocolate filled croissants? #best
I feel like a chocolate croissant is a plain croissant – a plain chocolate croissant
I like the way you think.
Yesssssss.
Okay, YES, but also, sometimes, with a smear of raspberry jam.
Those are both amazing and I won’t stand for any claims to the contrary, but the absolute best is the same sort of sandwich with a biscuit.
FIRST THE TEA PREPARATION ARTICLE, NOW THIS
You can tell Mallory isn’t a native Californian or she would be waving the breakfast burrito flag high and proudly.
Ditto re: Texan
BOOM– TRUTH TO POWER
Bagel sandwiches (bacon, egg, cheese) are the pinnacle of breakfast sandwiches to me, they are the best.
Finals are, have always been, and will always be hell. I have nothing else to offer.
yooo cannn doooo ittttttt
Good luck! Know that it will all be over soon.
Keep pushing!
(I’m pleased to announce that I turned in my last paper an hour ago.)
Agreed. I must admit that I’ve been reading Barbara Pym’s Excellent Women all morning instead of writing my paper on Viennese Jews in the Fin de Siecle. This is basically my version of YOLO.
Mine are so spread out this year that I had time for a three-day bender in the middle, which is a fact I don’t really know what to do with. It is definitely time to get back to work now, though. /hauls out Arabic dictionary
Breakfast sandwiches belong on biscuits forever and ever amen Mallory.
Accurate.
Yes indeed they do.
So has it ever been. So it ever shall be.
I stopped at McDonald’s this morning JUST to get two sausage biscuits with cheese. Not egg mcmuffin crap, though the man who invented the egg mcmuffin and my father share a name in its entirety.
BISCUIT SOLIDARITY
NGL I’m not going to google the mcmuffin inventor, I’m just going to assume that you are the daughter of Eggrick McMuffin III.
True fact.
Shout out to Whataburger’s jalapeno cheese biscuit breakfast sandwiches which are the best in the world (and are bigger than McDs & they have better coffee)
I have created an instagram for my cat niece that I think may align with the interests of a subset of readers: http://i.instagram.com/heyitsnanobear
(Commenting under my other Internet name as I want my toast name to remain quiet)
I just started watching Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries and I am so, so in love with it. I’m on like, the fifth or sixth episode and I have a massive lust for Detective Inspector Jack Robinson. The hat! The pinstripes! The sarcasm! The troubled-ness! I haven’t felt like this since we dealt with Dr. Spencer Reid’s daddy issues back in 2008.
And let’s not forget Dr. Mac….::swoon::
I got series 2 for my birthday (a month ago) and have already watched it twice.
ISN’T IT GREAT? I’ve only watched a few episodes but it’s on my list.
(no I won’t ask to borrow yours, that never ends well)
Good, I’d say no.
SISTERONTHETOASTALERT!
Aww adorbs! My cousin is around here occasionally 🙂
Miss Fisher is amazing, and the tension she has with Jack Robinson is delicious and sooooo frustrating sometimes. But yeah. Sexy as fuck.
Right?! Not to mention all the hotties she gets with!
I’ve seen both series so many times that it would be embarrassing if I had any shame at all, which I do not. Mac forever! I really hope she gets a romantic storyline in s3 that is not “secret lesbian lover murder victim,” because she deserves better!
Does anyone have recs for books that are similar to the source series? The internet has turned up a great deal of work set in the 20s with male protagonists, which is… not what I’m looking for.
…THE VOICE
I have watched Seasons 1 & 2 probably three times each now; Miss Fisher is my go-to “I’m working late at night and need background noise in the form of a delightful foreign crime procedural” show. I need Season 3 to happen faster.
Yes! I love that show and I want all of her hats and all of Dot’s shawls. I’m about halfway through season 2 and the sexual tension is driving me crazy. That Jack Robinson.
And Mac is pretty much the best. I love the Katherine Hepburn look she rocks and I wish she were my best friend so we could drink and exchange witty barbs together.
She was the source of one of my greatest “IMDB has got nothing on me” moments, as I watched and thought “I know her from somewhere…Ha! She was the random red haired alien on half a season of Farscape whose screams melted metal! Jool!” And, in fact, she was. And this was like, 10+ years and quite a few layers of special effects makeup ago.
I am awesome.
(As is the show. S3 needs to happen now. Though am I the only one who found the writing in the S2 finale disappointing?)
Dr. Mac is Jool?! … Oh my god, she is! Wooow. That is a hella good eye/ear you have there.
I must confess that I had been rewatching Farscape somewhat recently. But still!
I like her better as Dr. Mac.
MISS FISHER
I love that series, so hard.
Yesssssss Miss Fisher, yessssss Dr. Mac!
And! And! And! In S2, there’s a one-shot Autistic character, and she’s amazing. I love her so much.
Beatrice means THE WORLD to me.
YES. Jack Robinson is the man of my dreams. I just die inside EVERY TIME I see him. I’m swooning just thinking about his voice and his eyes and and and………..
And let’s be real, he has also got very nice hands.
http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/91/21/92/9…
Oh jayzus HAVE MERCY
I love that show! And I’m so happy it’s coming back for a third season!
I want to be you so I can get to watch it all for the first time again. Hard, deep, passionate love for that show!
YES. Oh, Jack. Oh, Phryne. Oh, Dot keeping her adorable beau squarely in his place.
Dot is the best!
Oh man! This is the only show, to my knowledge, that does the trope of “She’s a free-spirit!” “He’s so serious” so well! (I’m simplifying their characters but I think you all know what I mean)
Yes! I’m a few episodes into season 2 and it is so amazing. Even in series set in modern times, it is so rare to see a woman who has such frequent and consequence-free (if occasionally disappointing in ways I recognize) casual sex, in between all sorts of other interesting activities.
I love everyone on that show, especially poor Dottie, who really does need more love because she’s fabulous. And of course, Dr. Mac is VERY swoon.
I love Inspector Jack, but I am crossing my fingers and hoping they don’t tie down Miss Fisher to him too quickly. I enjoy her bed-hopping quite a lot.
Totally agree. It would have been really easy for both Dot and Aunt Prudence to be pretty one-note characters, but their characters develop so believably.
Dot is my favorite!
When you say you just started watching I’m hoping you started with Season 1 as you then get to look forward to season 2, which gets more into the characters. Also Season 1 has that hothothot Asian suitor and goes back for seconds on that seductive human, and I say Amen to that notion.
Yessss Ling! I only ever watch new shows in order don’t worry 🙂
I’d just like to stick my head in to mention (days late when no one is reading the Open Thread any more….) that I have met Essie Davis (Phryne) as she is an utter fucking delight. And her Louise Brooks bob is her real hair, tho dyed as she is blonde.
TELL US MORE
Edit: Please. (Or maybe save it for next week, when other people with weekend lives will see it.)
I also want to know more!
Thank you for reminding me this show exists. I have a nasty bout of bronchitis, and it seems like the perfect excuse to spend the whole weekend lying in bed with my cat and watching a fabulous flapper solve murder mysteries. (Actually, I’d probably spend my weekend the same way if I weren’t sick.)
My husband really pissed me off this week, and so I really felt the need for a throne so big i can’t see any men from it. But things are better now, and we have a real Christmas tree at home (my first!), and friends are coming in to town this weekend.
Also, do any Toasties have babies, and if so, can you tell me how people who make less than $100,000/year afford them? We’re thinking of maybe having one at some point, but we can’t get past the money issue. As someone who always thought they’d be child free forever, it’s a weird thing to be contemplating.
The biggest cost is daycare, tbh, and it’s a total racket. I seriously don’t know why we don’t have public daycare in this country and how the hell most low-income people afford to have children at all, period. You somehow need to keep them alive until they’re old enough to get into school. Options:
1) One of you stays home in the early years (what we did — my husband, I would have killed myself).
2) Family, if you’re lucky enough to have them around and available.
3) State subsidies for daycare. We didn’t qualify because you could only be working, not in school, which is some bullshit.
4) Affordable Daycare, the most elusive of unicorns.
I see so many creative childcare arrangements among my parent cohort – family help, one spouse going to part-time or spouses working opposite hours. One spouse opting to stay at home for a bit if they make less than childcare and their industry allows them to bug out for a few years. Seems like teachers and healthcare workers can often get away with that. Home-based daycares can be affordable, though you’ve got to be careful of quality, of course. I also know several sort-of-SAHMs who work as nannies/babysitters for other kids and can thus take their kids to work (or work from home, as it may be).
It’s a tricky balance. My income barely-to-not-quite covers our childcare, but I think of it as a long-term investment and a safeguard, should my husband lose his job. (Luckily he makes enough to cover the rest of our expenses.) It’s nuts that it has to be such a logic puzzle.
I’m so glad you asked this! I am on the precipice of going with no birth control and seeing what happens. Everyone we talk to says not to wait, that there is never a right time. But I can’t accept that.
Those babies have to get jobs.
Please don’t give Congress any ideas…
I have had no luck convincing my cat to get a damn job and earn her keep; are babies more receptive to that argument than cats?
One of my little dogs is ready to get back to work. She figures it’s easy. She’s a retired show dog so she gets paid for being pretty, right? She’s clearly not listening when I tell her she would have to factor in age discrimination at this point in her life.
As others have already said, childcare is the biggest thing. I stayed home for the first 8 months after child 1 was born and then went back to work part-time (2 day/week office job) while my now ex-MIL (very happily) provided childcare. Child 2 was born just before child 1 turned 3 and I stayed home until he was well into school. It worked out well for us, in large part because my ex was relatively well paid (though far less than $100 000/yr) and our expenses were minimal.
Finding a work/childcare balance that works for you as a family is the trickiest part. Other expenses are highly variable. Sure, you *can* spend a huge amount on stuff, but almost all of it is unnecessary.
I share my parents’ strategy for childcare-without-money with anyone and everyone who will listen, so here it is:
My parents twice found single mothers with children our age and invited them to live in our house with us. We had one extra bedroom with an ensuite bath, downstairs; everything else was shared, so it wasn’t like we had an in-law unit or anything, just a reasonably isolated space that could be considered “theirs.” In lieu of rent, these ladies were essentially our nannies, and they had jobs that did not overlap with my parents’ working hours (one was a waitress who worked nights, and I believe the other was unemployed for quite some time), so my parents watched THEIR kid when THEY were at work or job interviews or whatnot.
Basically they created a formal commune sort of situation. It worked really well, and both these ladies and their children were considered part of the family for many years after they each moved out. It also meant that because these ladies weren’t scrapping to pay for childcare themselves, they were able to save up enough money and get into better job situations so they could eventually afford their own places, which worked out for them.
So! Point is, you might be able to find another family who is in a similar can’t-afford-the-childcare situation and trade off who watches the kids depending on your various work schedules, or find someone who is willing to be a live-in nanny in exchange for room and board, or any variation you can think of! Most people consider either staying at home or hiring childcare, and there are many other options beyond those – they’re just rarely mentioned, so I like to put them on the radar.
That is awesome and amazing!
But I also caution people to be careful regarding employment laws and taxes when entering into barter arrangements, and please to remember that nannying is RIFE with employment abuse.
Linette I do not in any way accuse your family of employment abuse. But yeah, live-in caregivers are very very often subject to long hours without appropriate pay, etc etc. Nannies are also very vulnerable to sexual harassment and assault. It’s a vulnerable group.
No, totally, this is important and needs to be said!
I was a child at the time and I’ve never actually asked them about the formality of the arrangement, but knowing my mother it is VERY likely that there was some kind of written agreement. I think the basic concept was that they figured out a fair rent, calculated the cost of childcare, and instead of Molly writing a check for the rent and my parents in return writing a check for the childcare, they just . . . traded. Because then neither of them had to actually HAVE the cash, which was useful, because neither of them did. I think it very likely that both of them actually put that money on their taxes, though.
The stuff about my parents watching their kid when they needed it was just . . . them being nice people, I think. They wanted it to be friendly and caring and to be able to ask one another for favors. I know they interviewed quite a lot of people before they found a few they thought they could trust. And yes, single moms who need free childcare are often pretty desperate and probably easy to take advantage of, but I am assuming here that all Toasties are very nice people who would never be assholes to the folks they are willing to entrust their children to.
We are, right? EVERYONE BE NICE TO EVERYONE, PLEASE.
This is my last full weekend of being in my thirties, and I am having some really ridiculous Feelings about it. So I canceled on a party I was supposed to attend, and I’ll stay home this weekend with my husband and kids, doing my nails and knitting (but not simultaneously).
Happy early birthday!
Also, if you feel ambitious, you could try using nail polish for multi coloured yarn? Could work. Otherwise, keeping knitting and nails separate is a sensible idea.
I feel you. I never thought I’d be the kind of person to be all upset or weird about getting older but lately I’ve been kind of down about my looks and attractiveness and feeling like I’m just….past my prime. I am in an open long-term relationship but lately I’ve been pretty certain that my partner is the only person who will ever want to see me naked again as long as I live. Part of this is being stuck in the same smallish city we’ve lived in for years and years, and I’m sure part is being stuck in this job. But yeah I feel weird about it, and then I feel weird about feeling weird about it, and ugh.
What are you knitting?
I decided the other day, when Toronto got blanketed in snow, that I will need a pair of commute-ready leg-warmers for the winter. I hate leg-warmers. I’m hoping to find a nice chunky cable-heavy pattern that will make me feel like a Lolita dresser or something.
I am trying to finish this blanket I have been working on for-freaking-ever. Seriously, it’s been months. I finally decided who the recipient should be, only to find out that a month ago she redid her entire interior in colors that are not in the blanket. She’s getting the blanket anyway. After I finish the blanket, I have three skeins of easy Lion Brand yarn that I’ll make into three scarves to have on hand for last-minute gifts.
I’m planning on quitting my job of three years at the start of January, and I’m super excited (no more 10 hour days!), but terrified of unemployment and job searching, and the fear that I’m never going to find anything better.
And in other news, my husband just got spontaneously offered an interview for an awesome position from a recruiting firm viewing his half-assed, incomplete LinkedIn profile. How on earth does that happen? And why can’t that happen to me and avoid all of this anxiety of job searching…
Blargh.
my bf gets interviews and job offers from LinkedIn ALL THE FKING TIME. I’m pretty confident its a symptom of the patriarchy where merely glimpsing a MAN + a blurb of on a website = competence enough to invest in.
His profile was so empty! How’d it happen?
I mean, he’s also bilingual, so bilingual recruiting agencies contact him a lot. But still!
My sister is the same way. She gets an interview for every job she applies for, no matter how qualified she is or isn’t. Even when she’s applying on usajobs where they get hundreds of applications for each position. I don’t get it.
I basically gave up on anything posted to USAJobs. Even if I’m super qualified, I can’t get past the skills questionnaire for whatever reason. Also I find the job postings incredibly difficult to decipher as far as what exactly they are looking for.
I have two friends who are job hoppers. One of them has had like 4 jobs in the last 5 years. Meanwhile, I’ve been trying to get a new job for 5 years and I’m still at the same place. UGH.
OH hey, I watched Seeking Asian Female this week with my husband (in horror and awe), which I think I saw discussion of on the Toast? Did I make that up? Because I went through a ton of comment threads looking for it (and also because I am so bored at work) but also if anyone would like to discuss it I would LIKE TO KNOW YOUR THOUGHTS. Or on the concept of the modern mail-order bride as a whole, because oh my god, I have so many thoughts on the topic and how it relates to gender roles, the state of marriage in society. (And the NPR article with the comments by the subject ends up sounding also weird and creepy but I DON’T KNOW.)
I was both amused and chagrined by the fact that Steve specifically sought ‘Chineseness’ in her prospective bride and yet showed complete ignorance of / a blatant disregard for Chinese culture and its mores* (rebuking her for not being magically fluent in English, continuing an intimate friendship with his ex, not realizing he’d better relinquish any control he thinks he has in the domestic sphere if he knows what’s good for him).
*If one could say that there is even one, monolithic Chinese culture, that is.
I could not understand what he wanted. He seemed to be really invested in “Chineseness” and talked about how into Chinese culture he was, but he didn’t seem to be familiar with any part of it that would actually affect his life. And I was reading the NPR article about viewing it as an arranged marriage, and….nope, still not seeing it. Even in an arranged marriage, the PARENTS on both sides are usually driving the proceedings, and usually they’re doing it with an eye to compatability–i.e., if your son is really high-strung and my daughter is really laid-back, they may be a better match than my neighbour’s daughter who greets every problem with a crying jag. You know?
On top of not understanding any part of Chinese culture, the fact that they had to communicate through Google translate and a filmmaker who happened to stumble into their lives? Doesn’t say a whole lot about how strong the relationship is.
I found out this week that my mother will be having heart surgery on Christmas Eve. I am slightly less terrified than I was earlier this week, but I am still a little freaked out. I would appreciate whatever prayers, spells, incantations, lit candles, good vibes or nice thoughts Toasties can spare (I’m a Unitarian Universalist, I’ll take whatever you’ve got).
ugh upcoming mom surgery is no fun. I’ll keep you and your mom in my thoughts.
One Mom prayer coming right up!
Oh, dear! I’ll send both of you my best thoughts and ask my mother to light one of her candles for yours — that shit is powerful.
Hoping you can keep positive and take care of yourself <3
God of healing and hope; of uncertainty and miracles,
God who comes to us a child, is cradled by a mother
We open our hearts to you and pray
for blushingflower and her mother.
May the surgery go well,
may your steadfastness be reflected in a surgeon’s steady hands.
May the recovery go well,
may your love be reflected through nurses’ care.
May hope prevail,
in this season of waiting and new life.
Amen.
Good luck to her!
My dumb mom decided to wait until she was IN the Cardiac Care Unit about to get her pacemaker implanted to phone us, which maybe was a huge gift. Anyway, she’s great now and strong as a horse, so best best wishes to your mom!
My dad also had a quad by-pass a few years ago, and he is 1 million times better than he was before. Heart surgery made both my parents BETTER. But it was terrifying at the time.
Sending you alllllll the nice thoughts.
Well, I will be home for Xmas, and she actually asked me if it was okay to schedule her surgery that week. I got a text from my parents Monday on my way home saying “call us tonight” which of course made me panic and freak out until I was off the train and could call them.
I am very glad that a) they found that her valve needs replacing and that b) they can replace it. Often the first symptom of her condition is death, so I am trying to focus on the “hooray for modern medicine” aspects of the whole thing and not the “omg my mommy is going into surgery and some stranger is going to be touching her literal heart” aspects. But of course brains are stupid and do this “worst-case scenario” thinking (doesn’t help that I have seen too much Grey’s Anatomy). She had a knee replacement years ago that made a huge improvement, I am trying to think of this as a similar mechanical upgrade.
I’ll keep you and your ma in my thoughts over the Christmas holiday.
Said a prayer for your mom & you.
Sending very many good vibes. <3
So I realize I may behind the times on the Blank Space conversation, but are we talking about that Blank Space is basically the song a witch would sing? Specifically: Circe.
Circe is definitely a nightmare dressed like a day dream. Taylor Swift in this video would definitely, if able, turn all your friends into pigs. Circe can certainly make the bad guys good for the weekend. Taylor Swift does seem to live on some kind of enchanted island (or other form of estate) that lures interchangeable men to her. Circe definitely has a long list of ex-lovers who would tell you she’s insane if she hadn’t turned them all into animals. The nameless, unimportant man in the video is lucky that TSwift’s magic seems to be limited to making cakes bleed when she stabs them.
Taylor Swift/Odyssey mashup? INTO.
This is why I read the Toast.
I need this crossover in my life. 1989, Homer remix.
TELL ME ‘All You Had to Do Was Stay’ is not about Calypso.
Wildest Dreams is actually Dido singing to Aeneas right before she kills herself.
I think it’s never behind the times on the Blank Space conversation.
Signed,
A Just-Converted
I love this theory. I have recently thrown myself, fully and unashamedly, onto the Taylor Swift train and CHOO CHOO NO REGRETS.
I’ve spent the last few days completely amazed with my new love for T-swift. Oh, to see how we all change and grow.
…also, Blank Space gives me JOY
The video for it is a gift.
I love how many people (myself included) have been reluctantly converted by 1989.
What converted me was her performance of “All Too Well” at the Grammy’s earlier this year. If you haven’t seen it, you really should. It’s amazing.
I was on a roadtrip two weekends ago with some book club gals to go see David Sedaris (we do book club hard), and one of them played this song. I heard the nightmare dressed as a daydream line and literally shout-laughed at the windshield. Yaaasss, Taylor.
FINE I’ll listen to it, JEEZ
I adore this. Personally, I am dying to write some sort of Rebecca/Blank Space video mash-up. Blank Space Taylor Swift is totally the first Mrs. de Winter.
Late to this discussion, but when the video came out I thought Taylor WAS supposed to be a witch. That’s what I took away from my initial viewing, and then my friends told me otherwise…but I refused to believe them. So, yes, I am on team Circe Swift. I love this theory.
Actually when I was watching the Blank Space video, I was reminded of that short story posted on The Toast a while ago, about the witch who turned terrible husbands into cats. I like to think they exist in the same universe.
Toasties, I posted a few weeks ago about the Houston Heights Ladies’ Lifting Club going to their first powerlifting meet, the Longhorn Open. I’m happy to report that they all acquitted themselves nobly and had a lot of fun! Of the four lifters I took (3 women and 1 man), we ended up with 4 first place trophies! I’m super, super proud of them all. These are, for the most part, people who’ve been told their whole lives, “Oh, you’re a woman, you can’t be an athlete,” or “Oh, you’re a plus sized person, you can’t be an athlete,” or both. Well, screw that! They came, they lifted, and they kicked ass!
Hoooooray!!!
This uplifting tale of sportive triumph was very much welcoming this morning, thank you 😀
I’ve been forbidden from posting pics of the team doing lifts (nobody likes how they look in a singlet), but here is one of me with the crew. I’m the doofus in the center.
ETA: first place tropies were beer steins! Yesssss
NICE!! Such a great story, and bonus awesome trophies.
WHOA, you’re in my neighborhood! That is so awesome! Do you ever do beginners, and is it just for plus-sized women? (Though I mean, lots of people would call me plus-sized, I’m no model)
Yeah, uh… GruntledDave, do you have any interest in forming/coaching a Houston Toasties Lifting Club? Because this is something I want to start doing, but I’ve had a hard time finding a place to learn/a person to learn from that I find trustworthy (having a similar history with Organized Athleticism as described among the HHLLC).
See below – shoot me a note!
First: a caveat: I am not a professional coach – I just work with some friends who lift and we call ourselves a club, because we can. 🙂
That said, if you want to come join us on Sundays and see how you like it, we generally do some lifting and then go get tacos. Drop me a line: gruntle42 (at) yahoo (dot) com and I can give you the deets. 🙂
ETA: we are all beginners at one point. 🙂 So yeah, beginners welcome!
Has anyone else put their trees up yet? Mine is normally a Gurnenthar’s Ascendance tree rather than a Christmas tree, and this year I’ve put Fox Mulder on the top of it.
A+
Not yet but I just found out about this so I know what’s goin’ on our tree this year.
I neeeeeeeeeeeed that in my life.
That link, which is amazing and I want one, led me to this: this which is just…I don’t know…but I think I also want it.
Oh good lord.
We don’t have room for a tree in our dollhouse of an apartment, but I spent yesterday afternoon putting up my mother’s artificial tree and DID NOT EVEN YELL ONCE. Yes, I do deserve a cookie.
This is my favorite ornament but the spawn will not let us put it on top. They prefer the angel. Kids!
***gasp*** I love this!! There’s just… so much to love! The feathers! The crude glitter stars! Young!Elvis looking somewhat more lumpen than the usual Young!Elvis!
That is amazing. Where did you get it? My mother needs one.
I got this as at a white elephant party about 20 years ago when we lived in Minneapolis. There was some woman making and selling them downtown somewhere. I have no idea where one would get one today.
I think you need to find a way to get Elvis’ face on an Angel body.
Can someone make this into a doll or something?
THAT.IS.AWESOME. That’s all I got, ride on my friend!
I love that tree topper. My parents got us these sweet Dr Who ornaments:
I wanted the weeping angel topper but dithered for too long to get it.
My Beloved vetoed the weeping angel tree topper! I was bummed until I realized he wants to top the tree with the Moravian star that reminds him of where we met. I’m torn. Not sure how to feel.
Having been to my sister’s yesterday, she has those as well! And she has copied me and put Matt Smith on the top of her tree.
Is Mulder on top because Scully is already in your bed, or….
I don’t have a Scully, Mulder came with an alien corpse on a trolley but I didn’t think that was very festive, even for Gurnenthar.
Whoa I think I had that exact same Mulder + alien corpse on stretcher combo. I’ve since lost corpse, stretcher and flashlight but I’m dead sure Mulder is kicking around somewhere in a non-unpacked moving box.
My roommates and I got our first ever tree this year. We weren’t really prepared, ornament-wise, but I decorated with the gashapon toys my brother occasionally sends from Tokyo. They’re very strange and it makes for a rather nicely weird tree.
I put mine up like two weeks ago because the former Mr. Fringehead didn’t like real trees because needles, but now he’s gone and I DO WHAT I WANT, so I got a real tree and I CARRIED it home all by myself because I don’t have a car (it was only like two and a half blocks but I felt v. powerful), and then I realized I don’t have enough ornaments for a 6-foot tree yet so I’ll probably have to go ahead & buy that Santaur GoatseFanfic linked to.
We upgraded this year from our 3′ fake tree to a 6’6″ fake tree that used to belong to my parents! It’s great. It is the tree of my childhood and apparently I am more attached to it than I realized, because I loved setting it up and I’m so happy seeing it in my house.
We did run into the problem, though, that while we have waaaaay too many ornaments for the 3′ tree, it turns out they only cover one side of the big tree. So we’ve decorated the side that faces the room, and left the side that faces the window naked. Sorry, passers-by, no Christmas spirit for you.
Oh I so wish I’d taken a picture of the book Christmas tree at the library when I saw it today! Only it was closing time & they were rushing us all out. But it is a pile of green books, decorated with tinsel and lights! Google book christmas tree & you’ll see what I mean.
Ha! I have convinced my wonderful bf to watch Buffy with me and we just watched the episode where the winter holiday banner is hanging in the Magic Box and bf was like, “What is that one on the top left?” and I said “Gurnethar’s Ascendance” and he was was appropriately amused. Gurnethar’s Ascendance is my favorite winter holiday!
Also… Mulder looks super uncomfortable like that. Just saying. 😉
It’s my favourite holiday as well. I see it as like Christmas but without the pressure to spend crazy amounts of money or do shit you don’t want to.
Toasties! Favorite Christmas/holiday-themed movies?? Mine are, in this order:
1. Scrooge!
2. Muppet Christmas Carol
3. Rudolph
4. Claymation Christmas
5. Die Hard
My husband introduced me to The Year Without Santa Claus a few years ago, and Christmas just no longer feels complete without the campy Heat Miser/Snow Miser songs. Amazing!
I also love watching Nightmare Before Christmas at both Halloween AND Christmas, because it’s just perfect that way.
Year W/O Santa Claus is so good! I just ordered a really suspicious-looking used DVD of it from Amazon, and when it arrive it worked perfectly and Christmas was saved!!
1. The Family Stone
2. Muppet Christmas Carol
3. The Holiday
At the very bottom of an endless pit: Love Actually.
Yeeeeaaaaaassss Love Actually. I will never not be mad at Alan Rickman’s character in that movie because when you are MARRIED to Emma Thompson you spend your whole life devoted to her happiness. NO EXCEPTIONS. Also Andrew Lincoln = so adorable.
Die Hard and Love, Actually are the ones we watch every year, but I still love Rudolph. I need to watch The Year Without Santa Claus this year, because I had a deprived childhood and have never seen it.
CLAYMATION CHRISTMAS forever and ever and ever and ever. I love that bizarre little show so very much. To my shock, Mr. Wren and his entire family had never even heard of it. I remedied that last year. I am not sure what they thought, but I felt better about life afterwards, so.
All this talk of Claymation Christmas has given me a powerful hunger for waffles.
1. Muppet Christmas Carol
2. It’s a Wonderful Life
3. Home Alone 2
4. Home Alone
I feel like such a terrible human because I hate Home Alone 🙁 Maybe I just need to watch it again to re-orient myself?
it’s part of a really specific 90s nostalgia that you might not share in. But yes, watch it again! it can’t hurt.
1. Die Hard
2. Gremlins
3. Nightmare before Christmas.
4. Go
Admittedly, I’m not a huge Christmas fan, which may have had some influence on the list.
Oooooo what’s Go? I’ve never heard of that!
It’s an early movie by Doug Lyman (Bourne Identity, Mr. and Mrs Smith), about drugs and crime but in that ’90’s vein where it’s all kind of bizarre and ironic. The most important thing to know about it is that is involves a young Timothy Olyphant, shirtless, wearing a Santa hat. Oh, and Melissa McCarthy has a small part!
Edited to add proof: http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_qBTd58auThw/S_H-0TQOLsI…
That was the first movie I saw Sarah Polley in. She’s so great.
Oh gawd, Timothy Olyphant. At age 19, right around when Go came out, I was doing an internship at Jerry Bruckheimer’s office, and Timothy Olyphant came in for a meeting about Gone in 60 Seconds and I almost died.
Also, I just looked at IMDB cause I couldn’t remember the name of Gone in 60 Seconds, and I see that he was raised in Modesto, where my Dad lived! How did our paths not cross? I feel like fate has robbed me!
Also, while watching The Crazies a few years ago with my husband and my dearest lesbian friend, she said “Do his pants really need to be that tight?” to which I replied “It’s Timothy Olyphant. Yes. Yes they do.”
“timothy olyphant, shirtless” —> i will watch this movie.
i feel like every time that man shows up on screen, heart’s “magic man” starts playing in my head. or salt-n-pepa’s “whatta man.” or both, at the same time.
Muppet EVERYTHING. MORE MUPPETS. Muppet Treasure Island is a legitimately great movie! There’s a 90s power ballad while Piggy and Kermit dangle off a cliff!
Tim Curry’s Long John Silver! The Cabin Fever number! Easily the greatest adaptation of a Robert Louis Stevenson novel ever.
Muppet Treasure Island is the GREATEST.
Love Actually and Bad Santa, and I refuse to read ANY of the Love Actually thinkpieces. Last year’s 10th anniversary was terrible in that regard, they were impossible to avoid!
(And yeah, I know the critique is really really valid, but I just love the movie too much.)
Oh yeah Love Actually has tons of problems and I see them and I DON’T CARE. As Mallory would say, I’m always gonna Creed Arms Into a Sea of Haters about Love Actually!
That movie introduced me to the wonder that is Bill Nighy.
DIE HARD 2
The lifetime/hallmark channel ones. All of them. I couldn’t tell you the names of any of them but especially the “modern” version of Little Women, the one where Clarissa Explains it All kidnaps A.C. Slater, and the one where Kristen Chenoweth runs away to Alaska and persuades hot men to pose nude for a calendar. I have terrible, terrible taste.
Kristen Chenoweth runs away to Alaska and persuades hot men to pose nude for a calendar
I’M LISTENING
YOU’RE WELCOME http://www.mylifetime.com/movies/12-men-of-christ…
God bless us, every one.
1. The Bishop’s Wife (Love Cary Grant)
2. The Hogfather
3. Muppet Family Christmas
4. A Claymation Christmas (woo! Twinsies!)
5. Binge watching every Christmas episode of Vicar of Dibley
The Hogfather looks great. I’m not a Discworld person but I get the feeling that that doesn’t matter.
It so does not. I am a huge Hogfather evangelist; everyone should watch it and love it.
It totally doesn’t matter. My husband is also not a Discworld person, but he loves this movie so much he bought it for me once Netflix stopped streaming it. It’s one of our favorite traditions and it is usually watched while drinking hot cider spiked with spiced rum.
–A Muppet Family Christmas!
-Holiday. (Not The Holiday, but Holiday, a 1938 romantic comedy starring Katharine Hepburn and Cary Grant. Charming and heartbreaking.)
-A Christmas to Remember, a 1976 television movie with Jason Robards and Eva Marie Saint. Pretty much the antithesis of your modern Hallmark channel production: lo-fi, unglamorous, and deeply, deeply felt. Some hero just posted it to YouTube, if you’re curious.
There needs to be more love for A Muppet Family Christmas if only so I can get it on DVD instead of having to find it on youtube every year. I quote it all the time and to this day I have no idea what “It’s cold enough to freeze your Winnebago” actually means.
“It’s cold enough to freeze your Winnebago” is something I say all winter, because it is ALWAYS appropriate.
1. the snowman
2. kiss kiss bang bang
that’s it.
I forgot Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is Christmasy! Adding it to my watch list. Thank you.
yes, i think shane black has a thing for christmas, because the other movie he directed (iron man 3) is also inexplicably set during the holidays, even though it came out in july or something.
1. Muppet Family Christmas
2. Muppet Christmas Carol
3. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
4. Die Hard
5. Gremlins
6. A Charlie Brown Christmas (the only really Christian Christmas-thing that still gets to me)
It’s not technically a movie, but the Pee-Wee Christmas Special is AMAZING. Grace Jones is there, and so is Charo, and I think Cher has a cameo too.
oh MAN how did I forget this one. It really has EVERY one.
What are these?
-Press on nails!
Why are they so big?
-Because they’re toenails!
No particular order: Elf, A Christmas Story, Die Hard, Mixed Nuts. I’m probably forgetting some, but these are the ones that immediately spring to mind.
In no particular order except Die Hard is always & forever #1:
Die Hard
The Man Who Came to Dinner
My Cousin Vinny (obviously not a Christmas movie strictly speaking, but watching it over the holidays is my husband’s & my tradition)
Love Actually
Home Alone
Any sappy made-for-TV Christmas romance, no matter how bad, I make fun of them while watching but secretly I love them
Scrooged with Bill Murray!
1) It’s A Wonderful Life
Classic for a reason.
2) National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.
Young Juliette Lewis. Cousin Eddie. Julia Louise Dreyfus. The lights. So many quotable lines. Always makes me think about the passage of time when I see Chevy Chase that age.
3) Abed’s Uncontrollable Christmas
All Community holiday eps are great, but this one will always be tops for me. “Britta Bot” is still a gut punch every time I watch it.
The Apartment. Always and forever.
THERE ARE 45 REPLIES AND YET NO ONE HAS MENTIONED EMMET OTTER’S JUGBAND CHRISTMAS? What is WRONG with you people?
RRRRRRRRIVERBOTTOM NIGHTMARE BAAAAAAAAAND
(I take back what I said below about Muppet Family Christmas, because Emmet Otter’s Jugband Christmas is also high on my list. Basically if The Muppets and Christmas are involved, I’m in.)
It’s just such a warm, loving, sweet story, and the music is so so great, and even though you can see wires and strings it somehow feels real because it’s old school Henson and they took such care with details.
Have you ever seen the blooper reels?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sqWJD1ov6oY http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wrpTNHbqBNE
It’s so Henson, I love it.
These are HILARIOUS, and I haven’t even seen the movie!
Yes, and aren’t they just delightful?!
I STAND CONVINCED. I’m gonna find this movie!
You won’t regret it.
Was just going to ask that very same question.
BARBECUE!!
MASHED POTATOES???
Muppet Family Christmas > Everything Else
Muppet Family Christmas
Scrooged!
Grinch (animated only, with ALL the special stuff from the celebration thingy – interviews, talks, singing…)
Little Bear’s Winter Solstice
Toast! Help me! I saw Mockingjay, and now I want to shave half my head. I have never done anything cool like that! I’m an ordinairy-looking person who can clean up nice! Not a revolution-fighting badass! I’m not even a librarian! But… but.. it looks so cool! But also what about growing it out? HALP!
Try doing it slightly less extreme than Natalie Dormer, and then you can extreme part it on the other side while it grows out?
That’s what I’m thinking. It’s nice to have toast backup.
Do it! Doitdoitdoit!!!
I got a little overexcited, sorry. I’m all for people trying new stuff with their hair! I too thought I was an ordinary person who couldn’t pull off a buzz cut — then I did it anyway. If you really want it, I’m sure you will rock it!
Very much agree with lilsebastian’s advice, you could try going less extreme first, and maybe buzzing before going for a shave (a #4 buzz is slightly less annoying to grow out than a clean shave, in case you don’t like it). If you have long enough hair to cover the shaved part the growing out process will be much less awkward AND you can hide your super-badass haircut whenever you want, like a secret identity! Woo! (That’s an useful superpower in airports, trust me)
Edit: I REPLIED TO THE WRONG PERSON I suck at this commenting thing.
It DOES seem like a superpower. Also, the friend who would be doing it assures me that it is the most bisexual haircut. Which amuses me.
I’m not even a librarian!
As a librarian, thank you and bless you.
Well, librarians are the coolest. I have never met one I didn’t think was an absolute badass.
I did it! The shaved part felt so fuzzy and great. It’s now more fluffy and unkempt, but it can be brushed over and hidden if I’m bothered. I’ll get around to reshaving eventually…
I’m SO curious about how it feels!!
These are accurate feelings for me as well re: buzzing off parts of my hair.
DOOOO ITTTTTTTTT
I did it because of her and I fucking love it and I want to keep it forever.
https://twitter.com/IceBergMama/status/5424065326…
I did slightly less than half my head, somewhat impulsively. it usually doesn’t show too much with the way that I wear my hair to work etc., but when I feel like looking cool I can flip my hair over more and reveal it.
at first I felt hesitant about having Statement Hair, as I do not like receiving too much attention, but now it seems very normal!
do it!
If your hair is the right length, consider getting it done so you can style the remaining hair to hide it! This gives you far more flexibility if/when you grow it out. And just generally.
But also, do it, it is a super rad style.
I shaved the side of my head once. I liked it, but be ready for everyone (EVERYONE) to rub the side of your head like it’s lucky or something.
FRIDAY CAT THREAD
This week I bring news that Anne looks like an angry potato
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Her name is now ‘Potato Cat’
and the not-news that Bonny is ridiculous
like really
come on
thanks for scattering all the dirty things that were in that bag everywhere, cat
Atticus playing in his cat tunnel with his beloved stuffed lime wedge (you know, cats, limes, that whole connection there… ?)
I’m leaving Atticus and Gertie this week for the first time since I adopted them this August, and on top of family/holiday anxiety, I am anxious about the cats! I’m having a pet sitter come twice a day, and it will probably be fine, but I have no real idea what to expect from them.
If mine are anything to go by they will vanish when the catsitter comes in and then come out and be fine and eat food.
Atticus is absurdly friendly, I expect that both of them will put the pet sitter through their paces in re feathers on sticks and so forth. I’m more concerned that their incredibly high energy levels and play drives will lead them into mischief. Let’s be real, I’m worried about my books.
I am totally with you on that. My cat sitter seems interested in whether or not he can just come once a day and I am concerned that all my plants will be eaten and my books will be entirely removed from the shelves. My one cat has been very interested in gender studies recently.
When I first got Pounce she would only sit near me. Then I worked a lot one weekend and she has been a total snuggle lump ever since. Last night’s session was particularly great.
You have kidnapped my angry potato cat!
More snuggles:
Luna apparently loves to sleep with her paws on others’ faces (she’s done this to me too).
That reminds me of this Business Cat strip: http://www.businesscat.happyjar.com/comic/fight-a…
Yeah, my three definitely do that to each other pretty frequently. Sometimes they do the “I’m not touching you” paw in face thing.
I feel bad that I don’t take more pictures of my cats, I’m just not much of a picture-taker. But here’s one of Diego pretending to be Maru:
Did you steal my cat? And his box?
Wow, that is quite a resemblance! Right down to the white blaze on his chest, those green eyes and spectacular whiskers. Separated at birth, perhaps?
I am glad Captain has found a cosmic twin!
Ooh I actually have a cat photo I can contribute this week. This is Langdon, lounging like the big lazy cat he is, and being annoyed by our dogs (off camera):
You have a potato, I have a kitten turnover. Every night this week Saffron has come and sat next to me in bed and demanded I cover her in a corner of the duvet.
I’m taking some PTO days so i’m at home with this happy monkey:
That is the happiest cat in the world.
For most of her life I’ve been unemployed/full-time-caregiver-for-mom or unemployed/grad student so these past 2 years that I’ve been (thankfully) full-time employed have been hard for her. She doesn’t leave my side on the weekends.
I got some Xmas presents from Powell’s Books, and Brains has hardly gotten out of the box.
Here is Asa jealously guarding her catnip from all comers (ie Oliver).
I’m done with Gilmore Girls and now there is nothing but emptiness in my heart. What am I supposed to do with myself?? There are no other shows that I haven’t watched already a million times that hit that perfect blend of smart but not-too-heavy-for-after-work-relaxation. I am inconsolable.
SPOILERS In the end I didn’t hate seasons 6 and 7 quite as much as I expected, although everyone involving the Kims was a big pile of WTF (and Jackson and the vasectomy???). I’m even sort of OK with the whole back-with-Christopher BS because I think it kind of highlighted the major flaws that Lorelai and Luke shared– namely inability to communicate, which was why it took them so long to get together in the first place and why it wouldn’t be that realistic for them to just get together and stay together with no major problems. And I’m SO glad that Rory didn’t marry Logan and that the show ended with her single and off to start her career.
MISS FISHER
Ooh that does look good. Is it violent or gory at all? I have very low tolerance for such things, which is why I can’t join in people’s love of Walking Dead or Breaking bad.
Not particularly. Occasional blood but not gore. Apparently there was a lot of poison in Melbourne in the 20s. It has many many fantastic clothes and hats, some serious sexy, and all the lead characters are women. It’s also really funny in parts. If you enjoy Poirot, it has a similar feel, although much more feminist and subversive.
If you haven’t seen Bunheads yet, that might be a good follow-up? It is so short though. And while it was a bit uneven at first, it was really finding its footing when it got canceled.
I actually liked Bunheads better than GG.
Oooh that does look good, I’ll check it out! Thanks! Still inconsolable over all, though.
Wonderful thing about Netflix was that it made Seasons 6 & 7 so much more tolerable, as it made it possible to skip over the more egregious plot lines and pretend that they didn’t exist.
SIDENOTE: I would like to apologize to everyone to whom I argued that Marty wasn’t a Nice Guy– I thought he was out of the plot once Rory told him she liked Logan and he walked away sadly. MARTY IS THE WORST MAYBE THE WORST OF ALL THE MENS ON THE SHOW AND THAT IS SAYING SOMETHING.
Oh my goodness, I forgot about all that stuff in S7 that you are alluding to. Yes, what a tool.
I’ll be honest, when Obama won the election back in 2008 one of my first thoughts was “This is gonna be so great for Rory’s career!”
Bahahaha. Right?? I want to know what happens next! What terrible handsome man does Rory fall for on the campaign bus? Does Jackson continue to warp into an unbearable sociopath? Does Luke stay that hot forever? THESE ARE REAL PEOPLE IN MY LIFE NOW AND THEY CAN’T JUST ABANDON ME LIKE THIS.
Someone fan fic’d another season following Rory on the campaign bus and it was really good! But I don’t have a link or remember the name. 🙁
Yes, yes, Luke stays that hot forever.
Bunheads is on Comcast on demand (and possibly other places!)… it’s basically like alternate universe GG with Sutton Foster as Lorelai, no Rory, and Kelly Bishop back as Emily Gilmore 2.0. I don’t think it’s as good as Gilmore Girls but it definitely fits the snarky/warm/cozy tv show role.
Does anyone get irrationally angry about the Gilmore Girls episode where Rory’s teachers are worried about her sitting alone at lunch and not socialising? The episode reminds me of those introvert quizzes, everyone who wants to include her or check that she’s not feeling left out is some kind of monster.
“Black Books”, “My Little Pony” (trust, it’s delightful!), “Brooklyn Nine-Nine” are three of my current favorites for light-hearted TV viewing.
Ugh, a stressful week, my Toasties. I’ve been real combative lately for some reason, and trying to hide it with humor. This has been only slightly successful. My crazy eyes belie my true intentions.
So! A game! Something we’ve been talking about at work: if you could name your fists, (like old-timey “Oh yeah? Well I’d like you to get acquainted with my friends: Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton!”) what would you name them? Extra points for a related catchphrase that you shout after you land a solid right-hook!
Mine are named after the Monopoly utilities: the Electric Company and The Water Works
Because they can light people up and open the water works, I guess.
I am unenthusiastic about violence, but I am enthusiastic about my tough guy board game fist names.
I too am enthusiastic about your fist-names! Those are hysterical.
Thank you for asking!
I am very proud of those names and like to talk about them but fist names don’t usually organically come up in conversation!
Thumbs up times infinity!
I’ve never considered naming my fists, but upon consideration, I think I shall now call them The Hero You Need and The Hero You Deserve.
I totally stole this, but my arm guns are named Mary Kate and Ashley.
I don’t have names but now I’m thinking of that moment on Modern Family when Phil said his are named The Captain and Tenille.
Well I don’t have a name for my fists, but since one of my breasts is smaller than the other I call them Passive and Agressive.
Statler and Waldorf. They’re not very good at punching, but they’re happy to insult people.
In case you feel like a pick-me up this Friday, this should do: http://www.npr.org/blogs/monkeysee/2014/12/12/370…
Admittedly, it made me both happy and a little wistful. I will miss being able to visit Pawnee.
I’m surprised neither of them went with this one, my all time favorite clip (even though it’s technically a blooper) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OQhS2q7IHQM
HOOOOOOLY SHIT. AMAZING.
OMG
I love everything about this. I love how he’s still in character after everyone around him dissolves. I love how Aubrey Plaza knows what’s coming (heh) and starts to smack him before he even says it. I love Champion. I love Jerry’s laugh.
God I love this show.
I am reading Yes Please, Amy Poehler’s memoir, and it’s great. The chapter about working on Parks and Rec is truly delightful.
The one problem with Jerry’s laugh is that it covers up Ron’s giggling. Nick Offerman’s giggle is fantastic.
I knew it was going to be Linda Holmes! I love her. Maybe we can entice her over here to become a toastie.
I knit a bisexucowl! I’m just waiting for the buttons I ordered to arrive and it’s finished and I can wear it everywhere to defend against cold AND bisexual erasure!
Anyone else on ravelry? You can find me here <a href=”http://www.ravelry.com/people/Anninyn” target=”_blank”>http://www.ravelry.com/people/Anninyn
That looks so stylish and warm. And on top of that it has a message!
I am on ravelry as hedinthecloud, but I haven’t updated my notebook in, eh, 6 projects? I’m currently finishing up a hitofude cardigan, maybe that’ll be the impulse to upload the backlog.
Thanks! The pattern is pretty simple, but I worked out where to put the stripes myself. It would work with most any nice soft aran yarn, but I used an alpaca.
http://www.ravelry.com/projects/Anninyn/warmer-re…
Defending against cold and bisexual erasure is one of the noblest missions I’ve ever heard. I love this.
I’m going to make a pink purple and blue hat, too, and maybe dye my hair in those colours and be OBNOXIOUSLY BISEXUAL
It looks so snugly and warm!
Also, I thought that said “bisexucow” and I was really excited to scroll down and see what that might be.
It’s alpaca, so hopefully it will be.
And I wish I could photoshop things, because I just got a mental image of a cow in a purple base with pink and blue spots all over it.
I love it, and not just because I initially read it as “bisexucow,” as in a knitted open-minded bovine. Either way, go you!
Snuggly!
I’m on Ravelry as well, same username as here. That looks like a lovely, warm, and visible cowl!
I read bisexucow and thought it was going to be a handcrafted tiny cow, winking at me or something
I’m really depressed, for these reasons:
1) I have the dreaded Zombie Cold and can barely function, but this category of being does not exist when one has two small children who don’t give a flying fuck. I nearly broke down last night when I was exhausted and barely had any voice at all and my four year old was arguing with me over what constituted an “elephant bite.”
2) It’s the anniversary of the Newtown shootings. Yeah, sorry for bringing it up but NPR did first and now I’m gonna share that news with you purely out of spite.
3) The usual, never-ending I’m Not Fulfilling My Potential And Only Getting Older anxiety attack.
How about y’all
GRINCHES, COME SIT WITH ME.
I hereby declare this your holiday-venting, coping and complaining thread. Mainly because I have some venting and complaining to do and misery loves company. Also, how does everyone handle the holiday gift budget?
My vent: Husband’s industry is undergoing a major downturn. Big layoffs are imminent, though his job (cross fingers) currently does look safe, at least for the next few months. Husband’s immediate family is all employed in this same industry. His father made negative money at his consulting job last year. His sister and BIL seem constantly on the edge of falling out of the middle class. Does this encourage them to chill the fuck out on Christmas gifts this year? NO. NO IT DOES NOT.
We broached the topic of spending limits or cutting back on gifts, but were brushed off. So we budgeted and bought a gift-per-person, but it was still more than I really wanted to spend, and I know my MIL is going absolutely insane on presents. It’s stressing me out on their behalf! She got a Christmas outfit tailored for my 18-month old, you guys. Tailored.
….how do you even get an outfit tailored for a creature that grows every six seconds anyhow????
Seriously I am boggled by this information. Utterly boggled.
She is loving and doting and completely, 100% bananas.
I..did not know you could have things tailored for a child. I feel like this is a signal of the end times??
Anyway, Grinch in the houuuse. I’m not an Xmas fan. I have a hard time explaining this to well meaning coworkers who want so badly for me to be INTO THIS HOLIDAY SHIT. Cause you can’t just be like “I had a horrible childhood and a lot of my Xmases were spent in poverty doing manual labor cause we were all home from school and thus available to do manual labor oh and by the way the parent who had custody of us was a crazy person sooo”. I mean you can but that’s like, long. I just say wellll I’m not an Xmas person and try to leave it at that but they will not let up.
I do not resent people who love this time of year. I’m happy they are happy! But I don’t love it. I find it stressful and disturbing sometimes. I like getting presents for kids and a few other people and shit like that but otherwise just…no thanks.
“Not everyone gets a happy childhood.”
From some of the facial expressions I get in response to that statement, lots of people have never considered that. I believe that statement has contributed to the social education of many, many pushy coworkers.
I like this! It’s to the point. God bless them they mean well, they really do but it drives me insane. I mean I could lie but I’m really lazy.
Oooh, I know that horrible childhood/well-meaning-privileged-busybody intersection well. I’m generally not a holiday fan because of that, but also because I’m Jewish and my husband is Muslim, and we half-assedly celebrate Hanukkah when I remember, and will maybe give ourselves and Toddler Siniichulok one present, but generally, we don’t do any of that holiday stuff, particularly not the Christmas stuff, unless my Christian extended family side happens to invite us while we’re in the same country, and even then we’re kind of polite, loving observers. But we know so many people who are like, “but come ON, it’s CHRISTMAS, it’s not RELIGIOUS, you should be celebrating it too! Don’t be a Grinch! LOLZZZZ!” Or the people who tell me that JEWS WROTE ALL THE CHRISTMAS SONGS so come on, I should like them too! (I like Christmas songs, but they have to be at least 500 years old for me to be able to stand them, which makes them not the same ones these people are talking about.) One clueless good friend of mine chastised me for not knowing all the words to Twelve Days of Christmas, and only backed off slightly when I pointed out to her that it’s weirder that I know some of them than that I *don’t* know some of them. She also invited us over for Christmas day in an email that started “Dear Heathens…” We’re going, because I like her, and her toddler and my toddler have an ongoing bromance, but I’m trying to figure out how to break it to her that it’s not the greatest word for a religious majority member to employ about religious minorities, even in jest. Anyway, this “holiday season” (that is, Christmas season) for me is always fraught with expectations that I’ll be with faaaamily (meaning a toxic close relative whom I moved to another country to avoid), as well as expectations that everyone has to celebrate actively, regardless of whether it’s their religion or not. M. Siniichulok and I kind of grimace and give each other significant glances until it’s over.
I’ve broached the topic of spending/present limits with my parents every year for the PAST FIVE YEARS. Every year they say “Yes, we want to have a small relaxed Christmas with just a few presents.” Every year I buy just a few presents. Every year they go completely insane and I end up taking bags of stuff straight to goodwill because I don’t have room in my apartment for 3 more sets of salt and pepper shakers and two giant wooden brain teaser puzzles. And it causes me so much stress and anxiety I usually end up crying for the majority of Christmas. This year I’m trying the don’t give a fuck strategy. We’ll see how that goes.
Sounds like no fun! Hmm, can you, instead of broaching the topic next time, just announce that it’s time to cut back on Christmas gifts? Sometimes asking is the wrong m.o. Gifts are touchy, I know. But it’s just not right if you’re spending (and receiving) more than feels comfortable or right to you. Spending limits might cut into their autonomy too much, but you could say “practical things only please” “things for baby only please” or even enlist family members in going in on needed biggish gifts together, instead of buying lots of little stuff nobody need (which controls the spending, too).
This is good advice, and I think a more direct route will be necessary – particularly if I don’t want my children to become absolutely spoiled little Christmas monsters. His family can be a lot like SmrtCookie’s, above, though – agreeing out loud and then doing the opposite. It’s going to be an interesting boundary-setting process…
For the gift budget, usually I put money aside for gifts every month, and then spend it when birthdays and Christmas comes up. Mostly I only do it that way because YNAB told me to. It does work well, but you have to have started thinking about it way before Christmas for it to work. And it doesn’t solve the question of just how much to put aside/spend, I still just guess at that bit.
My one true Grinchy indulgence is a firm refusal to decorate my home. I spend Christmas eve/day with my parents, and they put up a lovely tree. My personal home needs to be a refuge from the madness of tinsel.
Just discovered this morning that the corporate christmas bonus is some cash that comes in a card. It equals fifty bucks per years of service (presumably capped at some point). It feels a bit patronizing, I dunno, I am weird about getting gifts at the best of times, but this tradition / benefits / something kind of bothers me. Couldn’t they just put it on my paycheque? Why isn’t it stated in my contract? What kind of tax-dodging is this? Why does being handed cash from rich white men always feel dirty?
The gift basket they gave us all last night had two bottles of wine and a shitload of chocolate. Which will be great for re-gifting, because I’m trying to keep ridiculous sugary crap out of the house — but it would’ve been way better if they had asked about what foodstuffs might actually be a benefit to me and my roommate…..
I know how picky that sounds, but like I said, me and gifts don’t really get along.
In the workplace, I strongly prefer gifts in the only currency appropriate (IMO) from an employer: time and money.
So, from the employer’s side of things – they are probably trying to do something nice by not adding the bonus to your paycheck so it doesn’t show up as taxable income. That saves you from paying taxes on it. It doesn’t really benefit the employer in any particular way, so I don’t think tax-dodging is part of the picture.
I get what you mean about cash feeling weird, though. And also I gather from your spelling that you are not in the US, so maybe everything I’ve said is incorrect for where you are.
Yeah, I had a bit of a pow-wow about it with my work wife (who’s been here ten years). She said there was some weird tax-based corporate reason for giving cash, which is cool by me, but still symbolically weird. I am conditioned to read misogyny into so many things!
My brother’s boss gives my brother, a teetotaler, a bottle of whiskey for Christmas every year.
Every year, I try to convince him to give it to me instead of pouring it down the sink. Or give it to anyone at all! He is stubborn, but some years it works.
Gifts from bosses does feel positively feudal, but at least we are not in workplaces that expect the reverse (employees giving presents up the chain to their bosses). That one I find truly evil.
I’ve been feeling grinchy this year for no discernible reason. Generally I’m very neutral about xmas – I don’t really celebrate it, but trees and lights are pretty, etc etc – but this year even the sight of the xmas tree in my office makes me mad. Nothing to do but wait it out . Thankfully my family years ago decided to only by presents for the children. There are currently not many children, and anyway buying presents for babies is fun, so at least the gift thing is not a problem.
Good luck to all of us, and may you always have brandy for your hot chocolate.
THANK GOODNESS FOR A GRINCH THREAD.
I think my contempt with Christmas is that there’s so much pressure to be happy and love everything, but it’s in the middle of the winter when it’s dark at 4pm and it brings up a lot of weird family stuff for me.
i *almost* managed to dodge xmas entirely this year (my parental units moved 2000 miles away) but my partner is waaaay into it. he likes the decorations mostly, though, so i traded my Tree Assembling and Decorating Skillz for the compromise of only exchanging stockings, no big gifts. he has mooned over the PS4 a couple of times since then but he gets my pursed lips & squinty glare in return ’cause i am totally shutting THAT shit down firmly. i’d rather put $400 in our travel fund! (not that i have $400 but if i did…)
I am feeling Grinchy myself, but apparently that’s because I like Christmas stuff to only be around between December 20 and January 2 and don’t like the orgy of green and red bleeding into my late autumn.
I can handle Christmas gifts this year, nothing unreasonable thankfully. I am just tired of everything because this is my fifth year of work plus school and I can’t graduate for another year. I don’t want to be around anyone. Plus winter in Buffalo is hard. It gets dark so soon that doing anything after work is a hassle of night driving in slush and snow. So burned out. So blech.
I’m trying to find a hotel for myself and Mr. Floridagal to stay at for 5 days when we visit his folks in the Tacoma area, and according to internet reviews all hotels in that area fall into one of two categories: 1) $100+ per night which we cannot afford; 2) covered in poop and roaches, which like, that’s why we’re trying to find a hotel in the first place. If I didn’t mind poop and bugs I would just stay at his folks’ house It’s getting to the point where I’m wanting to just grab him and take to the sea in the form of some reasonably priced clean hotel an hour away from their house. HALP
did you check airbnb?
that’s a great idea! will check that right away.
I was just complaining to my friend that part of what annoys me so much about this three month slog is that every year every one seems to agree that this shit has gotten out of hand, and yet every year people seem to double down regardless. And next year becomes worse.
There is so much fun to be had at Christmastime, and just b/c I don’t celebrate it evey year does not mean I want others to feel left out. Christians fingers in ears, please, but most of the traditions of Christmas predate Christianity. Quite a lot comes from Germanic, pagan traditions central to the Winter Solstice. Light and hope during times of cold and darkness are dear to all living things. If you’d like to have a tree up, and friends over to eat some good stuff that takes a little longer to prepare? Nobody gets to co-opt that experience and brand it.
Shit, this is early, any Florida lawyers out there???
A friend got pulled over with some edibles (3 Jolly Ranchers!!!) a bag of shake, a roach (you know the drill) and, from what I can parse, in order to not have to pay bail, he agreed to random drug testing??? None of it makes any sense to me, so can anyone help me out? He’s afraid to go home for the holidays (out of state) afraid to you know, drink some beer on Christmas, etc, etc (can’t have alcohol in his system). How would random drug testing work? I’m correct in thinking this is insane, right??? Like, how much notice would he have to be given??? And again, this is insane right???
Anyway, sorry if that was all over the place, I’m rushing around (I get to go to the mall today! Kill me!) Thanks to anyone who can help (and sorry for not proofing this if it sounds like a madwoman typed it).
It sounds to me like he’s on probation. This could be for a year or more. There are all kinds of terms of probation (like random drug testing or not being able to leave the state without prior permission or monthly reporting to the office). He should have been given some information when he left court (like being told to check in at the probation office in the courthouse). Once he has his assigned probation officer, that person can answer all of these questions.
Crafty thread! How is everyone’s crafting going? I’ve cut the pieces for my mom’s potholders, but not started sewing, and I haven’t started on my husband’s gift at all. I have a craft day with some friends tomorrow, though, so that will give me not only some sewing time, but some sewing time while my husband is not in the house so I don’t have to try to hide what I’m doing.
I also had the PERFECT NIGHT yesterday with my cross-stitching — I settled down to work on it, turned on the TV for background noise, and discovered that Terminator was just starting. I tend to get bored after an hour or so of stitching, but it turns out I can get an amazing amount done if I have a movie I have memorized on as a distraction.
I’m feeling a bit behind on all my Christmas weaving! Once I actually weave it goes pretty quickly, but so far I’ve had very little time to sit down and do it, and it’s much less portable than my usual knitting. But I will do it! I’ve found Planet Earth is the perfect background for knitting, so I’m hoping it will work for weaving as well.
I made boot stuffers for my sister and they turned out amazing. I love them and I didn’t want to give them away. I have a baby quilt to quilt and bind after the holidays and after that I’ve decided I’m only sewing/crafting for myself. For at least 9 months. So there.
I would love to hear everything you are willing to tell me about making bootstuffers. I need to take better care of my many tall boots and have only just decided against a Pinterest craft involving pool noodles and a saw, so if you’re up to telling me all, I am up to listening.
I am so up to talking crafts with you, anytime, anyplace!
I worked off of this tutorial: http://honestlywtf.com/diy/diy-boot-stuffers-with… If you have a sewing machine it’s dead easy but it’s still doable if you handsew. I changed it up a bit. My handsewing sucks so I didn’t want to handsew on the top. Instead I machine sewed the top and bottom thirds of the vertical seam, then machine sewed the accordion fold at the bottom for strength, then machine sewed the top on so the only hand sewing I had to do was a bit of the vertical seam. I swapped rice for beans because rice is heavier and packs more solidly. I also added a strap so if she wanted to use them in taller boots she had something to grab to pull them out (and she’s not a pompom person). I used leather but you can use whatever- just cut a strip and catch both ends of the strip in the seam when you sew the top on. Easy! And cute!
I am desperately trying to finish (crocheting) a baby blanket for a baby that was born 4 weeks ago.
I have not started a blanket yet for a second baby who was born 3 weeks ago.
Hopefully by January!
I am firstborn. My mother began crocheting a baby blanket when she was pregnant with me. I was born, but blanket was still in progress. Next pregnancy began in the following year and the same blanket was continued. Second baby born, blanket still in progress. Third pregnancy came to term 2 years later and still the same blanket was incomplete.
That blanket was completed just in time for and given to me as a gift on my 16th birthday. We all still call it my baby blanket.
You’re doing fine.
Now you have a blanket all ready for your first child!
When I was nine, my mother started knitting a sweater for me. I got to to pick out the colours (and I chose a turquoise and yellow yarn, in true nine-year-old taste).
I received the completed sweater as a Christmas present when I was 27.
Moms and knitting. We are apologetic.
Just keep adding rows as the baby gets bigger and you’re sure to catch up eventually! Although possibly not until they stop growing.
(The only craft I will do as a gift is sewing, because I know I can finish it in time. The cross-stitch I mentioned? I started it about three years ago.)
See my post above – I’ve been working on my bisexucowl and I’ll be finished as soon as my buttons arrive.
http://www.ravelry.com/projects/Anninyn/warmer-re…
Punning accesories!
My long-term project is a lace shawl. I finally have the body knit up, and now I need to do the border, which is a bunch of short rows all the way around the perimeter of the shawl. Does anyone have any advice for knitting the purl rows “backwards” so that you don’t have to turn the work every ten stitches? I’ve heard that it’s possible, but my YouTube and Google searches failed to turn up any useful tutorials.
I’m also knitting this hat in orange and blue for my sister, who loves vibrant colors. Compared to lace, two-stranded stockinette knitting is super relaxing!
That hat is gorgeous! Are you doing orange leaves with blue veins, or vice-versa?
Orange leaves with navy blue veins. The orange yarn is actually variegated with yellow, orange, and deep red, so it’s creating an almost stained glass effect within the leaves.
That sounds so incredible. Can you post a photo when it’s done??
Sure!
I am ALMOST finished with the enormous lace shawl I’m crocheting for my mom for Christmas. It’s this pattern, in a beautiful green: http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/wisteria-…
It’s my first time making lace-weight crochet and I want to make more and more and nothing else. I’ve been wasting a lot of time lately dicking around on Ravelry, favoriting all of the most intricate and modern-looking crochet patterns.
Oh my god that’s GORGEOUS.
Right? I never used to buy patterns but that one was too good to pass up. And I think I’m going to make everything else she’s designed, too.
Seriously gorgeous. Your mom is going to be floored, bird!
Oh that’s so beautiful!!
I got two pairs of bloomers made for the shop yesterday evening before my migraine hit (yay) and I hope to get three more pairs made Saturday morning so I can get them listed before the weekend is over.
Also, craft days with friends are the best! Have a great time!
A couple of years ago I made my boyfriend a sleeping eye mask because he finds it hard to sleep unless it’s pitch black but he hates the feeling of elastic tight on his head and he can’t deal with the ribbon tie kind because then his head has to lie on a bump where it’s tied together and…basically he’s a big fusspot.
So I made this design where you put it together at the front with a button. Anyway, he loved it and used it every night for two years and now it’s threadbare and half-broken and he’s been going on at me that he doesn’t want some fancy present for Christmas, he just wants me to make another eye mask, please please please and don’t forget please and are you making it now and please when will it be done and can he have it early? To which I’ve been responding along the lines of ‘No. I’m busy.’
So I’ve just started making it. It’s navy blue harris tweed on the front, dark green cotton on the inside and will have brown bias binding and a dark purple tie with a brown button.
Also, I want to make something else with the leftover tweed for my (female) friend. I have a 38 x 25cm piece but with a rectangle of about 10cm x 17cm rectangle missing from one corner. Not sure what to make. I’m just thinking a simple envelope pouch but any other ideas? The friend is an opera singer if that gives you any ideas.
This is EXACTLY what I need! I generally use a pillow over my head, or a black muslin scarf thing, but your design sounds the best. Your boyfriend clearly hit the jackpot with you
Thanks! I’ll post a picture when it’s done showing how I do it as a front tie thing!
I carved a stamp last night! https://twitter.com/yrpretendfriend/status/543244… I’m going to put it on cards for people.
I also need to get working on a bunch of embroidery presents because I’m broke and that’s all I can manage for friends. I’m going to do a science themed one for my biologist friend, I’m thinking a test tube with a cloud that says Science Rules! in it. She’s going to be a teacher so maybe she can put it in her classroom too.
Nice stamp! I really love that design. I don’t know anything about stamp-carving — do you use linoleum, or some other material?
thanks! I bought a stamp carving kit that had all the materials, I think its rubber!
I am crocheting my husband a tie for our upcoming anniversary- the traditional gift is apparently wool, which gave me all the warm and fuzzies. It is a gorgeous color and also tweedy!
I have woven 14″ of a scarf that needs to be done, finished, washed, dried, ready, etc for next Friday. I should probably get on that.
And that is my only real project at the moment because my crafting game is on break month so I am crafting at normal person rates instead of MUST CRAFT ALL THE THINGS FOR ALL THE POINTS rates. What, no, I am not competitive, what gives you that idea, I didn’t crochet my fingers to the bone last month to be sure I’d crack 1000 points, where did you hear that?
Crafting … game?
Suuuuuuper nerdy. It’s called the Harry Potter Knitting and Crochet House Cup. Located on Ravelry: http://www.ravelry.com/groups/hp-knitting-crochet…. Slytherin has just won the Cup for the second straight term.
I made myself a 6-foot long Hufflepuff scarf that is wonderful because it was super easy and it is warm and the yellow is VERY bright which pleases me because it means that people can see me when I am walking home on dark streets.
I am otherwise INCREDIBLY behind on all my other projects, but since they are gifts I did not promise anyone, it is okay, I will just finish them when I finish them and give them at appropriate opportunities.
I just finished cross-stitching the main part of a quasi-bookmark and used literally all the floss I had for it–I didn’t even bother snipping the end of the last piece once I wove it through the back–so wooo, no trip to the store to finish the main part of the design! (I say “quasi” because it’s probably kind of too big for an actual bookmark, but this is a technique experiment–turns out I love stitching in the hand–so it doesn’t really matter.) Only a quick border left and then I’m done.
And yeah, I always stitch listening to something else. Undemanding TV, podcasts, audiobooks, whatever.
Yes, watching a movie/TV series or listening to a book you already know and like is also my strategy for stitching. When you zone out, you haven’t missed anything.
All my cross stitch projects are shelved right now, haven’t been unpacked since the move. So Dad’s Christmas present will turn into Dad’s Birthday present next year. Oh well.
I’m still knitting my first cardigan. I love it, am just trying to figure out how long I should knit before starting the ribbing, so am trying it on every other day right now.
My grandma made Christmas stockings for all of us grandkids, with a Santa face and our name. I have a box with the very last of her yarn stash, so I’m duplicating my brother’s stocking for my new SIL. I’m actually working from a 2″ section of ribbing that Grandma had already started for the top of the stocking. It’s the first thing I’ve ever made with a picture in it, and it’s going relatively well, all things considered. It helps that I have a completed one to use as a template (“ok, now I put in 15 white stitches, then 5 red ones, then back to green”).
I’m also making a wooden container for my dad out of a sturdy section of tree limb. But I don’t have a lathe, so I’m using FIRE. The smoke keeps getting in my eyes, though, so I’m putting actual tears into this work.
I am so behind on Christmas crafting! I am making a quilt top for a friend for Christmas (another friend is going to do the back and the quilting) and I’m only about a third of the way done. Plus I want to make fun pinterest Christmas ornaments for friends and then there’s all the knitting. I have grand plans every year and every year I get terribly behind and never finish everything. Perhaps I should just start calling it a tradition and roll with it.
I am knitting a moss green Calorimetry which is supposed to be for me but which I will probably end up giving to someone for Christmas because I can’t work out what the F I should buy them. Either that or I will keep this one and then spend the next 12 days in a hyperfocus haze of knitting Calorimetries for everyone I love who has hair (which is most of the people I love). I’d forgotten what a soothing knit it is; just complex enough not to be boring, but simple enough that I only need to pause Netflix once in every episode of the L Word.
On the leather tablet carrying case I am making for my mom: I finished stitching the bag itself together, and now I need to make the strap. I haven’t fully decided if I want to do any tooling on the strap, or just leave it plain. It’s going to have a buckle, partly so you can adjust the strap length, but mostly so that I can use 2 shorter pieces of leather instead of 1 long piece.
I love the wood grain effect I have on the body of the bag, but I’m less thrilled about how the leaf-pattern on the flap turned out. I’ve also planned out changes I would make to the general shape on the next one I make. This has been a nice project to learn on, but I’m excited to move onto the next project after this. (excited enough to NOT procrastinate working on it? Oh now THAT is a hard question to answer. I love working with leather but I am a big procrastinatrix.)
Or you could do an undercut for something secretly rebellious?
eta: this goes in the Mockingjay thread fyi
I think there’s a place in this world for all manner of breakfast sandwiches. Gouda is the perfect breakfast sandwich cheese though. No– stop arguing, IM RIGHT.
This wk continues to be emotionally exhausting– what is this country we’re living in? I have thoughts about the current narrative recasting the Civil Rights movement as PURELY a nonviolent “wait for change” movement when in fact it was much more confrontational and aggressive (which is different than VIOLENT) than how the media– our President included– would like us to now believe. As we begin another wkd of nat’l protest, let’s keep this in mind. The purpose of demonstration is DISRUPTION– the ruling class is not supposed to be COMFORTABLE with our anger. In fact their discomfort IS THE POINT.
With that said, I also suggest the Toast Legion see the movie Selma which will be released broadly soon if not in a screening. Let the past be a lesson and a ladder to a more just future etc. etc.
I am really looking forward to seeing Selma, and I also got my roommate a DVD about the Civil Rights movement. Given current events, I am definitely feeling the need to learn more about that period in history.
Roommate and I also went to see Mockingjay Pt 1 last night, and then had a nice discussion afterward about how President’s Snow’s early speech about how the “radicals” should just “cooperate” with the system and how they “didn’t understand” why the system worked to be rather pointedly relevant to current protests and the people complaining about how disruptive they are. (As you said, that is the POINT. If they weren’t disruptive no one would listen.) I mean, many parts of that movie are very relevant right now, but that moment particularly stuck out to me.
Pepper jack forever.
People forget that a key component of “civil disobedience” is “disobedience”.
i am pro gouda and pro this entire comment.
Hello Toasties! How are you? I am about ready to drop dead from work and holiday related activities. I’m pretty sure the only thing keeping me going is Christmas cookies and cheese.
I did want to thank all the Toasties who gave me advice and encouragement about my presentation last week. I think it went pretty damn well (despite some oddly insensitive criticism from my boss) and I am choosing to be fucking proud of myself! Wonder woman poses are really fun to do too!
My favorite thing from this week has got to be seeing Pop Culture Happy Hour live. It was hilarious and awesome and just so full of joy and nerdery. If anyone doesn’t listen to the podcast, I would highly recommend it! And if you listen to the live event (whenever it comes out) you might hear me and my husband be the only people in the crowd whoop and holler for Pretty Deadly.
Oh, yeah and the Governor of Maryland tweeted out a picture of me and my coworkers, so I’m basically Beyonce right now.
Omg, it’s Beyonce!! Screw your dumb boss and their weird criticism, if you think you did a good job, I bet you damn sure did! And I’m pretty sure Beyonce doesn’t have a boss, so I wouldn’t worry too much about it.
Hello everyone! would you be up for offering seriously remedial hair salon etiquette for me? I get my hair cut about 2-3x per year, and it is the most stressful thing ever I absolutely hate it. I go to a fancy hair salon because I want a good cut, and therein lie all my problems.
There are two separate people who wash your hair and blow dry it while the main haircutter is working on other people, and there can be a fair bit of annoying waiting around. I have never dyed my hair in my life but most women there seem to, so I am probably a financial disappointment to them on that account and it could be where some of the problems come from. I tip about 15-18%, and always tip my haircutter, but I don’t tip all the other people because I haven’t asked for them and often would rather not have had them and can’t find them and figure the haircutter can share with them. Also half the time I leave my tip for her in an envelope instead of giving it to her directly because she looks busy. But maybe that’s also a weird thing to do? I always get a strange vibe from this place. I don’t actually stop going to this salon, even though I am tempted, because they are good and they have fixed haircuts for me when other places have screwed it up. How does one do this thing and tip correctly without having to stress about it??
Hmmmm yes! The last two times my regular person has cut my hair a different person has washed and blow dried it. I think she is in training? I just tipped my normal amount with out thinking about it, I also always leave her tip with the person at the register. I’m not sure what I think. Is anyone a hairdresser?
I’m not totally up on American tipping practices, but can you leave separate tips with the reception desk when you pay? Like, pay the bill, and say that $XX is for the hairdresser, and $XX is for the shampooer and $XX is for the blow drier? (This is what I do to tip my hairdresser).
Or, could you ask the reception/front desk for what the best way to tip is?
In places like that, I generally give like $2-4 to the hair washer and then 15-20% tip to the actual stylist. I give cash or write on a tip if I pay by card. Stylists might share tips with the hair washers. Maybe call and ask? Also, I feel like most people don’t tip the washers, so it’s not as though they feel stiffed.
Also, I’m sure when you make the appt you say “just a cut” (i.e., no color), so they aren’t surprised by this. Don’t worry about that part.
Gah, that’s tough. I know you said you like the place, but for me, I might spend some time poking around to find a different fancy salon. Not necessarily going for a full cut, but just talking. If you have a specific hair type or hair issue that this place deals with really well, you might be able to talk to someone on the phone about how they deal with that or, if the place is fancy enough, go in for a consultation. I go to a pretty fancy place and one person does everything, so maybe there are places in your city that do the same.
The internet consensus seems to be to tip the percentage on the haircut but slip a couple bucks to the shampooer and/or blow dryer:
ACK massive linkage problems. Let’s try this again.
Today.com
Here’s another one:
Beautylish.com
Obviously, your experience may differ, but I completely skip the shampoo (and mostly skip the blowdrying) by showing up with freshly washed hair with no product in it and specifying that I just washed it [X] hours ago and would prefer not to have it washed again if — and I think the if is an important thing to include — if that works for my stylist.
I used to explain that my back injury makes leaning back in the shampoo chair unpleasant, but I stopped mentioning that because every stylist I’ve encountered has seemed perfectly happy to cut my recently-washed hair. They spray it with a spray bottle to wet it for the cut, and no stylist has ever objected even a tiny bit.
So maybe you can actually skip that part completely? It’s never been a problem for me, and I’m reasonably certain that the women at the salon I’ve been going to lately (which, admittedly, is not very fancy) would tell me if it were.
thank you all for the range of answers!
it’s not so much that I can’t afford it – I don’t mind spending the money — as that I find it really stressful and unpleasant, not just figuring out if I’m doing it correctly, but also there is something that just feels inherently stressful and degrading about tipping people — to both sides. Maybe it’s a cultural thing for me. At least in restaurants you just leave the money on the table! Not sure what I will do – might try going to a different hair place in the future in the short term, to see if there are any that still do good cuts but are a bit more chill!
Hi everyone.
I am currently feeling a bit sad and guilty because my older daughter’s teacher was in the position of emailing me at 2:45 in the morning trying to update me. My older kid is lovely and funny and argumentative and not the easiest kid in the world to teach, frankly. I told the teacher that under the circumstances — there are 21 other kids in the class, with their own charms and virtues — she (the teacher, not my kid) is doing a Herculean job of trying to meet all these kids where they are, individually and as a group, and I respect her greatly for it. For my part I’m trying to strike a balance between advocating for my kid (because that’s part of my job, right?) and not making an already stressed system worse, or coming off as demanding and entitled.
SwitchingGenres, I wish I had a good way of answering your question. I was so cocksure of myself buying Baby Bargains and using cloth diapers five years ago. Suffice to say that does not solve the financial problem entirely, or at all.
In other news, I am trying to blog again. And my younger kid’s Hanukkah party starts in ten minutes and I ought to drink some coffee before then. And I have a Rich Homie Quan mixtape saved to my phone.
Good and safe weekends to everybody.
Toasties!
I have just returned from six weeks sailing the open seas on a research expedition in the North Atlantic. I came home to so much wonderful Toast Post! It is definitely weird to be back, and I have been feeling like I just want to be alone. And things between my boyfriend and I feel sort of “Meh” and I don’t know why. Maybe its just that we both got used to me being gone.
I also met even more people that I like better than most of my friends in College Station including a well read Toastie / Scientist who has similar taste in music to me.
What have I missed? I started working back through six weeks of Toast, but sometimes the goods are in the comments.
You took to the sea but THEN YOU CAME BACK?!
I just want to say that based on the information in your post, I am reeeally jealous of your cool life.
I took to the sea but then I came back. Man, I wish I had the take to the sea t-shirt now. My life is pretty cool, but as with anything it has down sides.
Will it help you to know that I am a graduate student…at Texas A&M? I think most geological oceanographers keep doing what we do so they can go to sea. The rest of the time I work in a clean lab and listen to Podcasts.
Ahoy and welcome back!
Welcome back to College Station.
Thanks! We should get together again! Maybe sometimes after the holidays!
What have you missed? A bunch of stuff. Roxane Gay works for The Toast now and has her own “vertical” (I still haven’t figured out what this means) called The Butter. Eventually I think this will spin off onto its own site.
The US went to shit when two different grand juries decided not to indict two different white cops for killing two different black men, Mike Brown and Eric Garner. I don’t know how much you followed news when you were at sea. Also some gamergate bullshit continued.
Nicole is having a baby and has just taken off on maternity leave this week.
Mallory published a book! It is called Texts from Jane Eyre. There were some glorious reviews.
I am sure I am forgetting many things — ask again next week and see what others have to say.
Thanks to everyone who suggested breakup music to me last week! It helped a lot over the course of this week and hopefully will come in handy this weekend when I go to move my things out of the apartment I once cohabited with my ex.
Serial.
Pretty mellow episode until the last fifteen-twenty minutes where it’s revealed that Adnan wrote Sarah an 18 page letter about talking to her on the phone and his experience since the podcast started…which leads to the revelation that next episode, #12, will be SPOILER ALERT
The final episode.
So many feelings.
It just feels like there is SO much material left to cover! How can they be done already? The last episode had better be seven hours long, dagnabbit.
Agreed. It felt like such filler to me, which is BAFFLING because it’s the second to last episode! Surely there is really content to cover!
WHAT IS THE RUMOR, SARAH!? TELL US.
That made me so mad. Sarah Koenig, as a child, was absolutely the girl who told you she had a secret and then clammed up smugly.
Wait, I listened on my (mildly chaotic) morning commute – wasn’t the rumor that he stole from the mosque? I will re-listen, but I thought that was it!
Nooo, it’s the incriminating rumor she mentions and then turns out she can substantiate. So WHY MENTION IT.
Was that not public knowledge before? The show’s Wikipedia page has always only had space for 12 episodes.
Yes, but Sarah K has been vague in the past as to whether or not they were going to stick to that number.
This is in reply to houblonchouffe’s self-care thread:
I’m getting done the work I need to get done so I can have a work-free, peaceful time for the two weeks before and after the new year. In those weeks, I will be reading steadily through a stack as high as my body of mysteries from the library, while remaining in soft pants around the clock.
I also need to make appointments for a body-doctor and a mind-doctor, so thanks for that reminder. I hope this new doctor is a good one who listens, asks good questions and listens to the answers too!
I FINALIZED MY FINAL FINAL OF NURSING SCHOOL LAST NIGHT!!!! to celebrate, the Best Boo took me out for a delightful craft beer and then showed me my first xmas prezzie from him – he made ornaments from our cat’s paws, including a little stump print from my cat with a missing paw – THE BEST.
I managed to convince my nursing professors to let me take an online NCLEX prep course, and I’m hoping to take my boards by the new year or soon after, and then life is going to change SO MUCH. I can’t freakin wait. Pride in my job? yes please. A wage that I can survive on? absolutely. A schedule that gives me time to read and dance and travel? fuck yeah.
Guys, I have all the positive emotions today. If you need uplifting, let me know.
Stump print! I love it. Very happy for you on all counts.
STUMP PRINT!! That is just the cutest darn thing I’ve heard all week.
Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Congrats from a fellow nurse. YOU ROCK!!!
Come commiserate with me about terrible things! I’ll go first.
(I know The Toast doesn’t tend to have lots of content notes, but I think this might warrant one, so: be warned, I’m talking about death, dying, and cancer. If you don’t feel like wading in, I don’t blame you one bit.)
This has been an awful winter so far. My grandfather-in-law recently died after a rapid, horrifying decline, and he was the first and most vocal about really welcoming me to the family, and now that he’s gone I feel like the ones who treat me badly sort of have free reign. My favourite uncle is actively dying of cancer in a palliative care ward. I’ve just changed my holiday plans so that now we’re going to travel to his city so we can be with my aunt and cousins (and my uncle, if he continues to completely defy his doctors’ expectations and stays with us until then), which I feel generally good about, except that certain of my in-laws are going to be assholes about it. AND, just to make sure this particular week is completely terrible, my period came three fucking days early so that I had to deal with it at work, and firmly nailing the coffin on my dream of having a Christmas miracle pregnancy. I guess at least I can drink?
I’m not even looking forward to the holidays, and I have been a HUGE XMAS NERD my entire life, so this actually worries me a lot. I feel so bleak when I think about the coming months.
Gosh, I am just a ray of fucking sunshine, aren’t I? Tell me your woes, Toasties, so that I can commiserate and send you some hug gifs.
All I have is hugs and love and support. I hope things get better soon. Much love.
Ugh that’s rough. So sorry to hear that.
::hugs::
If you want them.
Sounds like you need a hug gif yourself.
Ugh death dying cancer…everything is terrible. I did some crying in the shower this morning remembering my grandfather (who died of cancer a few months ago). So, I’m with you. Hugs and love.
I’m sorry for your loss, GreenGrasses. Fuck cancer.
Yeah, my beloved grandmother died the day before thanksgiving so eff the holidays is what I am saying. I’m’a be over here drinking wine out of the Looney Tunes glasses from her house (each grandkid got one).
I’m so sorry for your loss, Ethylbenzene, that is shitty. But I love that you’re drinking your wine out of her special glass, I’m not crying YOU’RE crying.
Eff the holidays. If your glass is ever in the dishwasher:
Thanks 🙂
I also just got the nail in the coffin for my Christmas miracle pregnancy. SOLIDARITY. That’s basically the source of my holiday angst, to the point that I’ve decided to skip an extended family party because I do not trust myself in the face of nosy, inappropriate questions from drunk uncles right now. I’ll either cry or kill them, not sure which, but no one should have to deal with either option.
SOLIDARITY.
Thank GOD I don’t have anyone in my family (or in-laws) who are nosy that way, because I will cut a bitch. I am, however, surrounded by happy pregnant people and healthy babies in my own family, my in-laws, my circle of friends, and my workplace. Now that this cycle is a bust, this will be me for the next two weeks:
Cheers, lil_gary! I hope we both get knocked up in 2015!
I just noticed I wrote “free reign” and now I can’t go back and correct it and
I just watched the Jenny Slate and Rosario Dawson kiss video and my recently-awakened lesbian side is bursting with glee. http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2014/12/10/mag…
Ooh I want Rosario Dawson to kiss ME like that!
Seriously. SERIOUSLY.
NGL, my first reaction to that one was TONGUE! FINALLY! SOME TONGUE!
So hot, so funny, so perfect.
oh. oh
my mouth may never un-agape itself.
that haircut
Sweet Melissa Etheridge, my lesbian side has been awakened for a decade and that gave some sweet chills.
I’ll be in my bunk.
Hello everyone!
I want to recommend SOME WEBCOMICS:
Imogen Quest is smart, funny, and very charming.
Left-Handed Toons is funny, always innovating, and strangely unrecognized. I love it so much.
Cat and Girl is a relatively old comic and is so good it sometimes hurts to read it.
For When You Can’t Sleep At Night is a tumblr account for some incredibly sweet comics that usually deal with themes of sorrow, depression, relationships and loss.
I also want to recommend webcomics generally. There are so many good ones and also plenty of ones that maaaaybe aren’t so good but they scratch a personal itch you had so you love them.
Webcomics! I’ll check out your suggestions when I am not at work. Currently, I read: Bad Machinery/Bobbins/Scary Go Round/Giant Days, Gunnerkrigg Court, Johnny Wander, Girls With Slingshots, and Octopus Pie. I recommend every single one.
Those are some good comics! Girls with Slingshots I wasn’t that into. I like Johnny Wander but haven’t been checking up on it regularly. Octopus Pie is great, I caught up recently and it is so delightful. Reeeeally need to read Bad Machinery.
I tend to gravitate towards more jokey comics than story based comics, and that’s something I’m trying to remedy because I’m missing out on a lot of good comics. I just caught up with Homestuck which has been an amazing experience.
http://sssscomic.com/comic.php?page=1 Stand Still, Stay Silent. I haven’t read it yet but a friend recommended and it is PRETTY.
Aaagh, I just devoured this one in less than 24 hours thanks to your mention of it. I love it, and it’s compelling me to light a fire under my own whatever with regard to my own still-mostly-in-my-head webcomic. THANK YOU!
You should also read “A Redtail’s Dream” Same author/artist and it’s finished, so less angst wondering what will happen. It is also gorgeous and fascinating. http://www.minnasundberg.fi/comic/page00.php
Is this an excellent time to share my newly-reawakened love of Help Us Great Warrior?
OH WOW, THIS IS FANTASTIC. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
So many great recs! I would add in Oh Joy Sex Toy – the first volume of the book was just published, and it’s lovely and wonderful and fun!!
Cat and Girl! So good. Thanks for the other recs, I always like adding more webcomics to the mix.
Oooh, thanks for the recommendations, I’ll check them out.
Nimona is amazing and fantastic and I love it. It’s finished now *sob* but that doesn’t stop you starting from the beginning.
Oh Human Star is really good, the story is trickling out soooo slowly though! Aargh!
And if you’ve travelled at all, or speak a 2nd language (or probably even if you haven’t) Itchy Feet has some very funny bits.
Alice Grove is looking quite promising. It’s also by Jeph Jacques though, so if you don’t like Questionable Content, maybe you won’t be into this?
I haven’t read anything on your list but Nimona, which is absolutely amazing. I love that comic. It’s a real shame that it is sorta buried here in the comments, because that comic deserves a lot of exposure. if you are someone besides me or CaptainNancy reading this comic, please check out Nimona.
Given how much I loved Nimona, I am very excited about these other recommendations. I read Questionable Content every time it updates, and I at least like it enough to do that.
I am up to my eyeballs in amazing comics to read, but I think it might be fun to do this next week as well.
NIMONA FOREVER NIMONA FOR ALWAYS
I don’t suppose it’s possible that you haven’t encountered Lumberjanes before and I could recommend that to you. Because if so, that would be quite fun for me. Noelle Stevenson (who made Nimona) co-writes the series. I have only read issue 1 and 2 so far but they are fantastic and I am excited to read more.
Hello Toasties!
I started reading not so long ago (why haven’t I heard of The Toast earlier ughhhhh), first time commenting.
I just wanted to say hi and, more importantly, thank you. This comment section is such a warm place, after a hard day of being mainsplained both IRL and online it is all I needed. I hope I can offer some similar comfort to you wonderful people in the future <3
What a kind note! The Toast is a lovely refuge for me too.
Welcome!
welcome! your username is delightful!
Aren’t mice’s butts glorious? My little guy had the sweetest heart shaped spot on his, I miss him <3
Welcome welcome!!
OMG may I yoink this?
Sure thing!
Thank you for the warm welcomes, everyone!
welcome!! I am also a new kid here in the comments. I love it here.
Four finals down, two to go next week! The highlight was definitely selling my textbooks for fat stacks of cash aka $100 (don’t ask me how much I paid for them). Good luck to everyone dealing with finals!! We’re so close to the end!
Fallen London! I am SO CLOSE, just one point of Shadowy away, from getting 100 in all my stats so I can, I assume, become a Person of Some Importance. Yay! Also, in case I am not contacts with every single Toastie who plays it yet, I am Lady Smee xx
I am trying to build a Zubmarine and it is EXPENSIVE. I need 20 Strong-Backed Labour, 7 Bejewelled Lenses and 20 Whirring Contraptions to advance to the next level. Every Bejewelled Lens takes 1 magnificent diamond, 10 ostentatious diamonds, 60 Correspondence plaques and 1000 moon-pearls. Every Whirring Contraption takes 60 memories of light and 300 phosphorescent scarabs. I will never be able to afford to take to the Zee at this rate!
Two questions for my fellow Fallen London Toasties:
How do you make progress in the Labyrinth of Tigers? I’ve been helping out with the animals, helping that stupid stuck penguin, giving “tours” and all that, but “Making progress in the Labyrinth of Tigers” isn’t changing and I need to increase it substantially to move up to the fourth coil.
How do you increase your Connected: Benthic? I lost all of it when I falsely accused the Consumptive Cryptozoologist of murder and none of the options I currently have at the University seem to increase it. My options are Shadowy Dealings, Growing Pains, The Committee on Semiotic Safety, and A Colleague with a Problem. I guess I could go the “provide 5 leathery human hearts” route via Shadowy Dealings but that will take ages.
What’s your “Making Progress at right now”? I think it has to be 14 to get the fourth coil to unlock, and there should be actions you can take in the third coil to gradually raise it. (All the tour guide/penguin stuff is in the second coil, IIRC.)
It’s 4 and you’re right, it has to be 14 to unlock the fourth coil.
I only have one option in the third coil, and that is “Leave the third coil.” Well, and another one with His Amused Lordship’s Sneering Valet, but that jerk follows me around everywhere.
Okay, I did some googling and I think I figured it out. Go back to the first coil and there should be stuff you can do there that will increase your Making Progress all the way to 8. (I think the first thing involves tiger-wrestling and then new options unlock with every new Making Progress level.) Then go back to coil two and there should be more things you can do there, which will depend on the level of Time Passing in the Labyrinth. If your Dangerous is 104 or above, you should also be able to talk to the tiger-keeper at this point, who will give you instructions to do things in the third coil.
(Phew, I hope that made sense.)
Thank you! I’ve been trying to advance in the Labyrinth of Tigers for longer than I’d like to admit…
You can get whirring contraptions through a repeatable storyline at Wilmot’s end — I would think that would alleviate your expenses a bit (if you have access to that area, that is)
I do, but you need Dramatic Tension 2 to unlock that possible ending and the wiki isn’t doing a good job of explaining where I can acquire Dramatic Tension.
As I recall, you just keep on repeating the story (any of them in wilmot’s end). When you do it the first 2 times, opt to get dramatic tension when you finish the story. Then do it a third time, make sure you pick the story that pays in whirring contraptions. Does that make sense? It’s a bit confusing. Don’t try and accumulate dramatic tension above 2 – it RESETS rather than just subtracts.
I just checked on the wiki:
when you finish the missing woman story, you select ‘down to business’ and get dramatic tension +1
when you finish the doing business story, you select ‘keeping the game moving’ and get dramatic tension +1
THEN you do missing woman over again, choose the carpet bag, and voila: dramatic tension resets & you get 1 whirring contraption. That is a lot of work, but less than all those scarabs and memories I’d bet.
Thank you! 🙂
Congratulations on your impending Importance!
Also, who’s ready for Mr Sacks? Or Mr Sacks-es?? I am ready! Christmas is my second-favorite Fallen London holiday right after the Feast of the Exceptional Rose.
ooh, is there anything in particular we should do to get ready? or is it just waiting and anticipation?
i *really* enjoy my one little Home Comfort, a fancy white glim astronomical telescope… i would love some more home comforts, mr. sacks-es!
There are a few more steps after reaching 100 in all your stats, unfortunately. Just discovered that for myself this week as well, but I’m not in a rush.
Also, I just discovered that you cannot, in fact, permanent murder most of the members of the Black Ribbon dueling society. I really wanted to permanent murder Colonel Pommery and his annoying face, but he kept getting carried off by sorrow spiders before I land the final blow. Yeah yeah the rostygold is nice, Feducci, but I was promised permanent murdering and I am disappointed.
I did permanent murder the drownie and Captain Vendrick, but it seems that the only success options for the other duelists are variations on “oh you were about to win but something happened before you could permanent murder him/her but hey you get the prize money anyway.”
OMG just got there. So many clothes. Wat. All of the clothes. Oh well. Yeah, I’ll take my time over this bit! I’ll try to figure out who murdered the Senior Reader in ___ instead.
I am totally taking the nex option with the clothes. Did not even think twice about that one. It’s still expensive, but Grover Boniface definitely does not want those fancy duds.
Oh man I just got the lodgings requirements card and had the following train of thought: “I need a handsome townhouse?! And it costs 500 romantic notions?! And I have how many? (138) Why can’t I buy this with rats instead?” (I have tons of rats)
Another thought: “why can’t I just murder an important person and steal their importance?!”
This is why I am not fancy, and Grover Boniface shouldn’t actually be allowed to become a person of some importance.
If you Become Seen with someone, you can earn romantic notions by spending evenings together – I don’t recommend attending the Bible reading at the prim baronet’s though, he’s a stiff-necked and not very romantic. There may be better ways though, including your suggestion of murdering someone!
I just got a honeycomb of lots of ramshackle rooms all over London instead of the townhouse. You might like that option too. It’s cheap (I’m sure you have the price for all of them just lying around) and this way I don’t have to get a stupid townhouse either (it’s just not la colonelle chabert’s style) and can save up for something better, like a lengthy lease at the Bazaar.
totally agree – i would have LOVED to permanent murder damned colonel pommery!
Still working on the Person of Some Importance storyline. I’ve almost got my Dangerous to 70, and it was my worst state, though now my Shadowy is still at 57. I’ve joined the Black Ribbon Dueling Society, which is a fun way to improve my Dangerous.
I started playing like a month ago because of a thread on the Toast 🙂
I just read they’re fate-locking the Wry Functionary next year, so I need to hurry up and get that done.
I’m Helen Damnation there too, if anyone wants to say hi.
That is a fabulous name!
I just started playing again after a hiatus of almost a year! Before, I felt like I’d kind of hit a wall in terms of finding new content that did not require the spending of real-life money, and a lot of what was left involved slow stat-grinding and/or saving up to buy something horribly expensive.
This week, I have opened a salon, and I am JUST shy of acquiring my own gang of hoodlums, which I am excited about.
Hello! apparently we are enganged in Fallen London town. I came very close to completing my ambition then failed on the last step. Now I need to save up several hundred more Foxfire Candles to try again.
Oh, hello! Ha, yes. Planning the wedding is a nightmare. I think it’ll have to be a budget do!
I’m doing my nemesis and need loads of honey. Also rats.
Weddings are hella expensive, but I wish I had spent much more on mine. The points can be spent on acquaintances and connected, and acquaintances are not easy to raise.
Man, I am ridiculously behind everyone. I got stuck in both scandal-town and nightmare-town this week because I hadn’t realized those weren’t stats that should be cultivated. (Also, “pretty good odds” at reducing scandal at church is a damn lie. I get a good result one in four times.)
But I have a cottage and am quite acquainted with Hell and have chosen to aim for Trickster as my profession. Yay plans?
I’m a trickster. I’m also pretty behind everyone else, I totally cheated on my person of some importance stats! I really don’t know how to greatly increase my dangerous, which is my lowest stat.
I need more Toastie contacts! I’m Briarwoods. I’m pretty proud of myself for just becoming a master thief, which, sadly, did not occur to me until after yesterday’s clearing of suspicion. A public thank-you to an-ocelot for taking my suspicion away almost daily, lol.
How does one get one of those special Christmas-only dwellings?
Oh, also, I upgraded my profession from journalist to author this week, and I am looking forward to this evening, when I get to see what kinds of professional rewards it gives me.
Ooh let us know what happens – I’ve been waffling for days on committing to a second tier profession, can’t decide between watcher and journalist. Is it true that it becomes a lot more difficult to switch paths after training professions aren’t available any more?
In other news, if there were a game which involved sharp implements and sources of flickering light, which there obviously isn’t Theoretta Rizing would be HILARIOUSLY BAD at it, and honestly might do better if she just tried to stab herself. This week she consoled herself by de-ensouling the Regretful Soldier (no regrets) and doing a lot of shroom-hopping.
I don’t know whether it gets more difficult (journalist and author are both on the Bohemians card), but the upper-tier professions are more expensive. I’m planning to cut my ties with the Bohemians next time I get that card so I can become closest to either Revolutionaries or Hell, but I don’t know if that will have any effect on my profession (I don’t think so).
Yay for you! I am right there too, at W99, S99, D108, P96, and super-excited at becoming a POSI! But before I follow it through, tell me Toasties, do I need to have picked my ambition? Or can I POSI-away, and then go back and start an ambition? I’m much more excited about POSI than I am about making big decisions.
I have sent you my calling card, Lady Smee, in case you have space for more acquaintances and fancy some christmas cards. Anyone else wanting cards, do please acquaintance me (BaronBenas).
I would love Christmas cards! and will return the favor next week. Sending you a calling card now.
Do go ahead and choose an ambition! You’ll be able to breeze through a ton of steps quickly if you’re this far along, and the writing is especially good in the ambitions. You don’t have to play to your strengths, either. I am a mainly Watchful person, but I picked Light Fingers because others said it may be the most interesting one and you learn a ton about the Bazaar and why and how the Neath got to be the way it is through that ambition, and it definitely has been fun.
Many thanks for the encouragement! Big irreversible decisions are not my forte, but I suppose I could set a deadline like New Years…
I’m getting ready for the annual Day! Of! Nothing! with my niece. The tradition started when she was a kid, as an excuse to get her out of the holiday bustle of her parents’ business and maybe give her a chance to buy a tiny something for them for Christmas to go with the homemade gifts she’d been working on.
She’s a grown woman now, living just a few blocks from me in our small city, and we still celebrate Day! Of! Nothing! I take her out for lunch, we wander the festive, quaint downtown popping into all the little local stores, maybe do some small-scale Christmas shopping, drink peppermint cocoa*, and do… nothing in particular for hours. It’s my favorite Christmas tradition, and I’m so grateful that she tolerates it — maybe even looks forward to it — still!
*She was scandalized years ago when our favorite coffeehouse stopped offering peppermint in their hot chocolate, but I surprised her by pulling some candy canes from my pocket to peppermint up our plain hot chocolates. Aunts come prepared.
Oh my god I wish you were my aunt.
I need to be better at Aunting all the kids who don’t live in my very own town. The Fella and I have [counts on fingers] ELEVEN nieces and nephews, and the oldest is the only one with whom I’ve established a tradition like this. I love them all, but it’s harder to think of fun ways to stay connected to the more distant kids. I’m making an effort to write actual letters and postcards to the others, as well as keeping in touch on social media, but I need to step up and be better at it.
I love this tradition! I’m glad you’re keeping it up for her, even though she’s an adult now.
(ps– are you on metafilter? I thought I read about this originally over there…)
Yes! I’m Elsa there, and I remember mentioning Day! Of! Nothing! in a thread about personalized holiday traditions. Man, I love Day! Of! Nothing!
Metafilter/toast crossover yes! I wish I knew who everyone was in both places. But I’m part of the problem because I don’t want to publish my mefi username. I am not any of the permutations of laurenipsum over there.
This sounds SO GREAT, best aunt ever.
Honestly, maybe it started with me being a good aunt, but it’s turned into her being a surprisingly indulgent niece. I’m truly surprised every year when she makes time in her always-busy schedule to spend a whole day wandering around.
A few years ago (after an injury reduced my stamina for tromping around on icy sidewalks), we added a new feature to Day! Of! Nothing: we retire to my home, she picks a show or movie to watch, I make grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup, and we laugh late into the night. It’s the most wonderful time of the year.
She probably really enjoys it, actually. It sounds like a fantastic day.
You are rocking the Auntie role.
this got me all choked up for some reason (i know the reason: it’s absurdly heartwarming and lovely). you sound like the coolest aunt.
Day! Of! Nothing! I love it! Thanks so much for sharing! I hope you have a wonderful day!
Now I really want peppermint cocoa.
This is the best tradition you are the best aunt I am stealing this in its entirety.
Did I read somewhere previously that your small city is that most charming and wonderful of places, Longfellow’s City by the Sea? Because I am picturing this perfect day happening there, which makes me incredibly homesick for the kooky lights in the park and the presents in Longfellow’s lap and evening movies at the Nickolodeon followed by a walk through snowy streets lit by the cheerful glow of decorated windows in brick buildings, getting hot drinks on Exchange Street, singing cheesy carols with my best friends.
YES YES YES
and it is exactly as perfect as you imagine.
I KNEW IT! I didn’t go back for the holidays this year, which is a good but also a sad thing. I will live vicariously through your Day!Of!Nothing! post!
I now want to do this with whatever niblings I may have in the future. *note to self: tell sister to have kids*
NIBLINGS!
I PRINTED MY THESIS
well
MY HUSBAND PRINTED MY THESIS
because I had to do Toast stuff this morning and he lives a life of leisure as a scientist trying to cure TB
CONGRATULATIONS!
Today it’s exactly 2 years since I defended mine. Time flies.
GIRL YESSSSSS
Congratulations!!! You are an inspiration to those of use still wading through our literature reviews.
Congratulations! What a great feeling that is.
CONGRATULATIONS!!!!
Woop!!! Congratulations!! It’s the BEST feeling! Now you might want to drink champagne and then sleep for aaages.
CONGRATULATIONS!!!
This is huge! Congratulations.
I made out with a hot dude last night WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! We like each other a lot but he’s a co-worker so we both feel like we can’t really go there BOOOOOOOOO. But damn it was good. Just, phew. It’s a good thing he’s not in the office today cause I keep remembering and spontaneously grinning like a loon.
Go there anyway! Fortune favors the brave! Unless you’re his boss or something. Then fire him and jump him. That’s ethical, right?
Not his boss, fortunately. And he’s not in a position of power over me, professionally speaking. Believe me, I am seriously considering it – he pretty much left it up to me to decide to make things physical or not, and we’ll stay friends in the meantime. Though he may be quitting soon so that would solve the problem nicely….
Whoohooo!!!! You should be all like, “call me when you are unemployed, coworker I respect professionally” ::wink wink::
This show is everything to me. I care a little bit about the murders and like the general plot but mostly I just want to watch Miss Fisher run around in her fabulous coats and her jaunty hats, being badass.
ETA: come on IntenseDebate, you know where this is supposed to go
Anyone on here climb? I (re)started climbing recently, took a women’s-only class which was obviously amazing, and have been having a generally good time of it, but…
God, guys who climb can be the WOOOoooorst! Like, I keep seeing photos of guys on fb who I find morally or otherwise repulsive at climbing gyms, and then at the gym I go to there’s big groups of software-startup assholes who hog a bouldering wall for an hour without letting you into the route next to them even once, and guys who offer unsolicited “advice” on what you’re doing wrong on a particular route, and… gah! Makes me want to quit so I’m not associated with them, even though I am a lady. Gives me major anxiety about going to the gym on nights I know will be crowded. And it’s not even a majority of the dudes there! A lot of them are really laid back and friendly and not at all patronizing or pushy.
Sorry, bit of a rant. How do I deal with this newfound gym anxiety? I really don’t get it at traditional gyms, just climbing gyms. I suppose because climbing is way more psychologically dependent an exercise than running, at least for me.
“I want to learn the hard way. Thanks.”
“I come here for quiet. Thanks.”
UGH DUDE BROS. I don’t boulder a whole lot (it’s haaaaaaard) but I feel your pain about dudes hogging the wall. Especially when it’s a group of them that keep “taking turns” so technically it’s not just one person but as the one lady it’s so hard to say “I belong here. It’s my turn now.”
Sorry to unload more griping and less advice. I guess what I would say is see if there’s a bulletin board for finding climbing buddies and post for finding another lady to climb with? Or take a friend to the bouldering gym and form your own clique of awesome people to project a route?
And also, Yay! You’re a badass. There is no way anyone would ever associate you with stuck-up bros. 🙂
It helps to hear I’m not the only one having that problem! Dudebros, why must you ruin all the gyms???
You’re right on about forming an awesome climber clique to go with– I met some cool people in the class I took and have tried coordinating climbs, but we’re all on kind of opposing schedules so it doesn’t always work. I’ll keep working at it though!
Scream “ohhhhhhhhhhhhh god, unsolicited advice gets me soooooooooooo hot” while clutching at yourself.
Hah! That would get them to leave me alone… or not, which would be terrible.
It’s a shame that some guys are bad apples about it because bouldering is a sport where advice from others is really useful! But there’s a right and a wrong way to go about doing it, and the right way usually involves talking to the person a bit and then asking if they’d like any help with a route or if they’d like to work together on a problem. Not just… pointing out the obvious after they take a fall.
Like, advise on the the one section I’m obviously having trouble with. Fine, thanks.
Advise on every move on the whole route. Nope
Ugh, I feel you for sure! I used to live five blocks from a teeny tiny bouldering gym run by the sweetest hippie couple, with women’s-only days and a no-shirtlessness policy that I think kept the bros away. Now I’m stuck with huge intense gyms and the intense guys to go along with it. Cutting them off with “No beta, please!” and then moving to another part of the gym if necessary until they’re gone works okay for me, also because once I’ve told them I don’t want advice I hate when they’re watching me try it again (psychological sport for sure). I’ve also seen people at my gym who keep listen to music on their own earbuds as they climb which would probably work well, I used to go to a gym that played way too much dubstep so I was always envious of them!
I saw you were having trouble finding women to climb with, but maybe try and coordinate climbing schedules with one of the laid-back friendly guys if that’s all you can find? Also I’m in the Bay Area, and the local gym chain has a deal where you if you have a membership you can bring a friend for free once a month, if your gym offers something similar you could make one of your nonclimbing friends into your climbing buddy?
Ugh, dudes who offer unsolicited Beta should be cast out from society.
Foster dog update:
Roxy the foster dog has had her eye surgery and the cherry eye is all gone. She is so cute now. Sorry, I do not have any pictures up on the webs yet. She is scheduled for her spay the beginning of January and will be ready for adoption then. The Bull-mastiff rescue group does not want to put her up on the site for adoption until after Christmas. Christmas is a crazy time and they have to be extra careful about people adopting dogs as gifts, which does not go so well sometimes. We have had no dog fights for the last two weeks. I think we are get a handle on this whole fostering thing.
Hooray for you! Post a picture when you have one. 🙂
Love these updates on Roxy!
Yay! So glad to hear this! Your adoption group sounds awesome, btw.
The highlight of my day is coming around 6 p.m. tonight. A Very Nice Man is taking me ice skating, and then (in his words) “we’ll go eat something involving cheese.”
That sounds like a Very Nice Evening indeed!
Involving cheese = a winner
Oh my god, this is like my dream date. Ice skating and cheese. Where does one meet a man like this?
I finished Dragon Age Inquisition and now I don’t know what to do with my life. Can I put it on my CV as an example of a time I took a leadership role?
I still have so much left to do in the game and starting today I will have houseguests until basically January. I can’t be kissing Cullen on the battlements with in-laws in the room.
Could be worse. Could be The Bull!
Ha! I just kissed Cullen on the battlements this week. He was very forceful, wasn’t he.
I have been purposely dragging it out for as long as possible, because of this very reason. Like when I was a kid, I would break up the tiny bag of Doritos into little chips, because it would last longer.
Clearly! Conversely, my husband, whose primary RL job is project management and organizing teams of workers, has been treating his leadership of the Inquisition as a Very Serious Responsibility. No romances with your subordinates – that’s unprofessional! Though he has been flirting with Cassandra a bit, because it’s funny. However, due to a bug, the game also thinks his Human Male Rogue is a ladyyyy. This means that last night Cassandra pulled him aside and told him, very seriously, that she’s sorry but she wasn’t into women.
I am literally booting up my computer right now to finish the game. So sad!
I want to play this toooo but I only have a PS3 and the reviews I read said it sucks on PS3. And my computer isn’t powerful enough to play it. Does anyone know if it’s really that bad on PS3?
I did get Assassin’s Creed: Rogue and I have never played any AC before and I have no idea what I’m doing.
I have it on ps3 and it’s really not that bad, in my opinion. The hair and facial hair can look a little silly, but otherwise I’ve been okay with the graphics and other issues haven’t been that concerning for me. The graphics improved drastically when I got my glasses, for some reason…
AC is hard, I feel you. I have played two games but not finished either one of them. :\
one of the people Mallory performed with yesterday was Kulap Vilaysack, who’s completing a documentary on her complicated family situation. Basically, her parents were Laotian refugees and she never knew her biological father or his family, and now she does. Here’s an a link to the (funded) indiegogo campaign for her movie. I hope they talked about it.
https://www.indiegogo.com/projects/origin-story-a…
Toasties everything is bad. Two close family members dying, mom continues to refuse to acknowledge my beloved girlfriend’s existence (which is especially awkward as we head back to the same hometown for the holidays), and then also EXAMS and RAIN and MONEY PROBLEMS and stuff.
What are little things that make you happy even when everything is making you want to cry under your pillow forever?
Are there small things you can really enjoy doing that maybe don’t cost anything or cost very little? Lately my most enjoyable thing has been to take a nice hot shower and turn on the space heater in the bedroom so that after I shower I can dry off and apply lotion while toasting myself in front of the heater while reading a book and maybe eating a cookie or something. It costs nothing, I’d have to shower anyway, etc.,–so are there little things you can do to maybe enjoy daily things much better? Like, instead of taking a boring shower, take a diva shower where you blast music and sing loud and use lots of lather and give yourself an at-home hair treatment or something! Or instead of just boringly going to bed, make a ritual with a cup of herbal tea and a book and a candle and lotion. Or instead of just eating dinner boringly on the couch, make your dinner look Fancy and have a Drink with it and eat at the Table with a book or what have you. Instead of just cleaning, meh, have a Cleaning Party where you read a lot of Jolie Kerr to ramp yourself up, then play your favourite music loudly and sing and all that, then reward yourself with something relaxing or fun?
This made me “awwww!” Thanks. Lotions and (a) drink galore for me tonight, I think.
Being nice to myself makes me happy. Taking time to make myself a nice breakfast, and spending some time petting the cat when I should be cleaning, etc. I’m really sorry things suck right now – I’m sending you good vibes!
I had TOAST for breakfast with an absurd amount of butter which is a treat for me weirdly enough and it was delightful. Breakfast makes things better.
Honestly? Open Thread on the Toast. This place is the best.
Failing that, hot tea with lots of cream.
I have coffee with cream, which is close I think.
I’m so sorry for your loss, and for the other difficulties. It’s inspiring that you’re taking extra care to treat yourself well, because you deserve that and it can be hard to remember to do it.
Little things: putting ALL THE ICE into a cold drink. Making a lovely hot drink of cocoa or tea or a hot toddy. Using my favorite glass or mug. Warming up the bed before I get in. (Make a basically-free bed warmer/heating pad by pouring rice into a clean knee sock and knotting it at the top. Microwave in short bursts until it’s hot through.) Reading in the bathtub. Turning off everything noisy in my home and listening to the rain. Clean sheets. Writing a letter to someone I care about. Knowing that there’s a community of people I’ve never seen who care, and who are here to listen.
People who care are the just the rosiest. I will definitely change my sheets today and luxuriate in a clean bed tonights. Thanks.
Tiny splurges. When I feel shitty sometimes I take myself to a drugstore, spend 20 minutes pouring over the makeup displays, and buy myself 1 thing. It gets me out of the house (if that’s a problem) but not somewhere that I have to look too presentable, it doesn’t take too much time but it completely takes my mind off all the shit, and afterword I can literally put on a happy face (or brave face if happy isn’t going to happen).
A long, brisk walk and then some cozy reading next to a light you particularly enjoy? We are here for you – we love you!
Today’s my birthday, so Starbucks gave me a free drink. They were out of breakfast sandwiches by the time I arrived, but I do have a scone, so, no complaints.
Yesterday I finished decorating thanks to power of passive-aggressive ornament-hanging. Fine, if you two are going to just sit there I will do this myself and I’ll put the empty boxes back in the attic and make myself a cup of cocoa while I’m at it, how do you feel about that??
(Spoiler: they felt fine about it.)
Happy birthday! Are you also having a passive-aggressive birthday cake? They are delicious.
Mmm, I like it. Here it is noon already, and no one has given me cake?? I guess I have to buy my own cake, too? Well, that’s fine. That’s just fine. Absolutely, completely fine.
I managed to read that as “but I did make a scene, so”
breakfast sandwiches are certainly worth making a scene over
Absolutely. Reconsidering my scone in favor of a scene now.
Good luck to everyone taking finals around now! I actually took a test this morning, for the first time in oh eight years. It wasn’t until they started passing out the exam papers and reminding us how to correctly fill in the answer sheets that I had an anxiety flashback. It was kind of funny to feel that again!
A stellar Dad Moment: I had asked him what he wants for Christmas, and he did the usual thing he does, which is to say, “I don’t want anything, just seeing you for the holidays is enough, etc.” Today I woke up to an email requesting orthotic shoe insoles from the drugstore. “And if you also get me a tube of Polysporin, I won’t need anything else.”
Now, the difficulty is that the insoles he wants are a store brand and there’s only one of those drugstores in town and it’s in kind of a sketchy neighbourhood (well, as sketchy as Ottawa gets) but I can’t possibly say no to this. So that will be my mission for this weekend.
Where is it? Now I am curious!
The Jean-Coutu on Montreal Road. I was just reading an article about how there is a big prostitution problem in Vanier, and how would-be johns follow women around in their cars trying to pick them up, etc. I’m not exactly itching to go there.
Oh, I know where that is, I had dinner the night before my wedding at Emerald Buffet not too far away. Honestly, I think if you go in the middle of the day you’ll be fine. Or you could pop over to the one in Gatineau if those aren’t as sketch?
The idea that he just needs a single tube of Polysporin and his life is complete made me lose it, your dad is wonderful!
SPORTS SPORTS OH FUCK IT I’M JUST POSTING ABOUT JOHN WALL YOU GUYS DO THE REST
The Wizards are the most fun, ridiculous, hilarious team of adorable dudes on the planet and my god, does this town need them. More importantly, John Wall is the just the best. If you didn’t see him play like a maniac the other night and then promptly breakdown in tears over the loss of his 6-year-old friend, Miyah Telemaque-Nelson, who had just died of cancer, here you go. Sorry I made you cry.
http://deadspin.com/john-wall-collapses-in-tears-…
You guys, what’s up with your teams and stuff???
LeVeon Belllllllllllll
Also have him on my fantasy team!
Real life teams: The Packers continue to roll. I’m really hoping the division comes down to Detroit v. Green Bay at Lambeau in their last game of the season. As a Michigander whose Lions fan relatives are *always* talking trash (despite having not won in Green Bay in 23 or so years), it will be SO GOOD if they can wrap up the division in that game and send the Lions packing. The Red Wings continue to be the absolute worst at shootouts. My university’s hockey team is kicking some serious ass this year, and I am trying not to get too carried away (but am also totally pumped about) hoping they’ll make it into the NCAA tournament this year.
Fantasy sports: My team went from a tie for first to a huge first-round playoff loss in two weeks. THANKS FOR NOTHING, PEYTON MANNING.
Does therapy actually help? If therapy helped you, could you just… say that, if you’re comfortable and etc?
I’m trying to set up a time to meet with a therapist — I had an appointment, and then he didn’t show up or call (it turns out there was actually a reason, whatever, fine, but it still really sucked). I got a sort of vague apology, and I’ve emailed three times to try to set up another time and the only response I got was a potential appointment during a time I explicitly said I couldn’t meet, and then n o t h i n g.
It just seems a lot easier to keep trying to hate myself to death than to call another office and talk to another person, you know? It just sucks that I finally am trying to get it together, and then I just smack into this brick wall and I don’t know if I have the energy or will to deal with it.
Therapy has helped me SO much. It feels like I’m clearing cobwebs out of my brain.I’m sorry you had such a bad initial experience. . .I was incredibly lucky to find a wonderful therapist on my first try, especially because so many of my friends have had difficulty finding one (you don’t happen to live in NYC and have Aetna, do you? Because if you do I have the BEST therapist). But I really feel it’s worth continuing to try, because it really can help! This Captain Awkward piece has some really helpful advice on finding the best one for you. http://captainawkward.com/2012/12/30/414-what-are….
Good luck!
Heh, alas, I live in Chicago. Thank you, though (and thanks for the link).
Wait, I live in NYC, have Aetna, and am on the therapist market. Would you mind sharing with me plz?
It actually helps, but it doesn’t help right away, and it may take a couple tries to find a therapist who is a good fit.
But then, yes, it really, really, really helps.
My first therapist wasn’t a great fit, I don’t think, but finding someone new was just too much. I think this time I actually really do need to put in the time and effort, because my entire life isn’t working right now.
Thanks.
Hello therapy has helped me so, so much. A year ago I couldn’t imagine a life where I didn’t want to die every minute of every day and now I am living that life. It has taken a lot of work but I can feel hope again, which was something I couldn’t access for years. I know how much it sucks to try to find good help, but you deserve it.
If you live in Chicago, I have some recommendations that might help as far as organizations go.
I live in Chicago, and I would love recommendations.
Heh, I honestly can’t imagine feeling okay with myself. Thank you.
So when I started therapy for depression I was unemployed, and found my therapist through Cathedral Counseling Center, which is located downtown. They’re focused on affordable/low income therapy so while I was unemployed I paid $48 a session. My therapist through them is Suzanne McClure. I have been seeing her for a little over a year and she is a godsend to me. What I do with her is more talk therapy than CBT/DBT (I hope I am using these terms correctly) but I know Cathedral has staff that does all kinds of therapies and they have a few psychiatrists on staff as well.
Now I am also doing exposure-response therapy for OCD at the University of Chicago Hospital and the doctor I have there is great as well. U of C Hospital is a little harder to deal with though, since everyone I tried to contact there (before I got my current guy) wasn’t taking new patients. I also don’t particularly love my psychiatrist there so YMMV.
Before I found my doctor at U of C, my therapist at Cathedral recommended checking out the Chicago Women’s Health Center for sliding scale counseling. I didn’t end up going there but their website says their approach is “feminist and person-centered” which seems like it would appeal to Toasties. I can’t give this place my personal seal of approval but it might be worth looking into?
I hope some of that is useful to you. Keep up the good fight! You’ve already made the hard decision to seek help, which is an enormous step. You can do this.
Thank you so much — this is incredibly helpful.
Therapy has helped me! I think that even the act of going, before you’ve been there long enough for it to HELP help, can make you feel better. Because you know that you are doing something good for yourself. Also something that my therapist said that I want to pass on — it’s a bit cheesy, but she said that when you’re in a place of needing help and being really low/miserable, it can be hard to have hope for yourself that things will get better. But a good therapist or mental health provider can hold onto that hope for you until you find it.
If you can, I would just ditch this guy and try to find a different provider. This person sounds like a bit of a dud. When I was looking for therapists, it was so maddening how flaky people could be. (Also can we just talk about how shitty it is that you can be depressed/grieving/struggling/sick and have to chase down a good therapist who takes insurance and fits with your personality and all the rest? GOOD GOD.) The one I did start going to was really kind in all of our email interactions and over the phone. I really do think it was worth the effort.
Sending you lots of luck and good wishes.
Yes, that’s true — even though my last therapist (from like three years ago, heh) wasn’t the greatest, once a week going to Get Well was good.
Thanks; next time I communicate with someone and they’re not terribly responsive, I’ll tap out earlier.
Therapy was so, so helpful for me, at various stages of my life and for a whole bunch of reasons. Sometimes it just helped to have a safe place to ramble/vent/talk shit out. Sometimes it helped to have an objective sounding board for stuff, or someone trained to help me figure out why stuff was bugging me and how to deal with it better.
That said, finding the right therapist was crucial — I had good therapists as a kid, and then had to wade through a couple therapists (single meetings each) that just didn’t work for me before finding an awesome therapist. I know it can be exhausting to deal with all the office crap in order to actually get to the meetings, but it is definitely worth it. You can do this, and things will get better.
How do you know if a therapist is the right one, especially that quickly?
For me, it’s like dating. I see a therapist once, then ask myself if I want to see them again. If not, I try another.
It’s so much like dating! You’ll know if it’s a bad one or a good one, at least that was my experience. I met with a super awful one at first (I’m sure he would be a good fit for someone, but not me) and then I met with the woman I ended up seeing and it just fit. It was easy to talk to her and afterwards I want to talk to her more. She just put me at ease.
Therapy helped me MASSIVELY. That said, it took awhile to find someone I clicked with and who took an approach that fit my personality and treatment preferences. (The first guy I saw was a cognitive-behavioral specialist, who was really focused on “do these exercises and re-train your brain not to be so anxious.” What I wanted to do was talk about the underlying reasons for my anxiety, which he was not interested in doing AT ALL, but then eventually I found someone who did psychodynamic work and was great at helping me talk through things and unpack emotional baggage and all that.) So if there’s a certain thing you want out of therapy, be it a treatment method or a bedside manner or whatever, seek that out. And if it’s been a reasonable amount of time and you don’t feel like it’s working, say so. <3
I will try — honestly it’s really hard saying I need therapy at all, I don’t know that I could actually say, “I need therapy, and also I need [x] type of thing”, at least not at first.
Thanks.
Oh, definitely. I think I meant to say more that if you go to a therapist and you feel like it isn’t working, try not to get too discouraged, because it might just be that particular therapist or their particular approach. There are a lot of options out there, and I hope you find something that works for you.
It’s a very hard thing, because of our stupid culture. I currently see my therapist once a month, and it felt really strange the first time I started going back, like I was making some huge statement about my life — but it really shouldn’t be like that. Therapy can totally be a preventative health care measure — like she said, “The best time to come is when everything seems fine,” rather than when your life’s totally gone to hell, you know?
But I totally know it can be so hard to rationalize the first time, because your brain’s working against you with everything it has. But PLEASE override it, because you do deserve it — just having a professional to talk to.
What everyone else has said! It’s helped me massively, and I’m grateful every day for my excellent, excellent therapist.
Thank you.
Heh, that’s pretty much ~the dream~ for me right now.
It’s been helping me a lot with my anxiety but the first time I tried to find someone was also a disaster. I have also found that just having that time set aside can help in the day to day — “ok I’m going to stick this aside and talk/worry/process it at therapy this week instead of at 3am on a Tuesday.” But it took a while to get to a place where I saw any real improvements. And even those improvements are only visible when I think about them, if that makes sense.
Like, ok, this past week, I had a medium-sized work fuckup that wasn’t totally my fault (well ok it wasn’t my fault at all) and I actually did NOT have a panic attack about getting fired and did NOT lose sleep about it for days and days. But it wasn’t like, at the time I was thinking “I’m doing so much better!” It was only during therapy when I was telling my therapist about it that I suddenly realized I hadn’t panicked at all or lost any sleep.
Wasn’t there a comic about this? Or something? Can someone find it? It was one of those “what you expect recovery to feel like” vs “what recovery actually feels like” type of things?
Therapy is the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life, and I am including my pretty excellent relationship in that statement because I would not be capable of having said relationship without said therapy.
Therapy is the reason I am not currently turning into my mother, and that is some kind of godlike right there.
I feel you on it being hard to find a therapist you like. I was there. I completely get it. What I will say is that finding her was completely worth every moment of anger and hatred and despair when I met with a shit therapist. I promise it’s worth it. Hang in there.
Also, make it easy on yourself. Ask people if they like their therapists and get the phone numbers. ESPECIALLY strangers. We say shit to strangers we wouldn’t otherwise. If you feel comfortable chatting with people on the bus stop and whatnot, mention that you’re looking for a new therapist and it sucks. Sometimes, someone will say “Oh, I know what you mean, it took me forever to find mine.” And then you can say “Oh? Do you recommend her/him?” and then they will say, “Absolutely, here’s the phone number,” and then you have a therapist that at least one reasonably cool person at a bus stop likes.
This may or may not be how I found my therapist. Except it was the community table at a brunch place, not a bus stop. But I stand by the basic strategy!
Therapy is so worth it though.
Here’s how I found mine: I was overwhelmed at the thought of randomly calling all these individual people on my insurance website, so I called the Samaritans crisis line. They can’t recommend specific therapists, but they can recommend counseling centers and clinics. They recommended three, one of which was covered by my insurance, I emailed that one center through their online contact form, and they set me up with whoever was free. She’s great, so I feel like I got lucky, but just asking for a clinic recommendation instead of a specific therapist can really narrow things down. Sometimes you just have to narrow down your options randomly to help yourself along.
Yes, therapy can make such a huge difference, once you find the right person and establish a rapport. This does NOT sound like the right person, though, so please give another office a chance! You deserve it, seriously.
Therapy is one of the best things that ever happened to me. I have to move to a new city and I probably think about and miss my therapist weekly. Therapy really helped me like myself, which I’m not sure I thought was possible.
Also, I HATE calling people on the phone and I discovered, you can email therapists! I found mine via Psychology Today: http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_se…. I went on a couple of “meet n greets” first to find the right one and I scheduled every appointment and did all the follow-up via email. It was awesome. Of course, my therapist doesn’t have a receptionist, so this may not work for an office that does.
If this is something that’s possible for you, can you ask a trusted friend to call and set up the appointments for you? Just a little bit of help to get over the first bump and get the momentum going.
And maybe help you draw up a list of what you’re looking for, so you can have a little bit of organized feedback for yourself about whether someone’s a good fit or not? I know that I personally will sometimes be like “I really like this person! I’ll stay!” when in fact the therapy style isn’t right for me. Next time I do this I’m going to try to be more objective with a checklist.
OR, you can take my technique, and only contact therapists who have email addresses listed. Not making phone calls = the best. Plus then you might get one who texts which is even better.
I actually have two therapists. One does talk therapy and I’ve been seeing her ever since I got pregnant, since I knew I’d have to get as many ducks in a row regarding abusive upbringing/PTSD/etc. before giving birth as I possibly could. She’s a sort of gentle presence in my life. The therapy she practices has its limits (like, she didn’t believe I had PPD when it was very obvious), and sometimes I want more feedback than she gives, but it’s been over two years now and it’s definitely helped. I see her weekly.
The other one is OHIP (Ontario healthcare)-funded and a psychiatrist at the hospital where I gave birth, and she’s treating me for the PPD that I got from a horrific pregnancy experience in the healthcare system. She’s by far the best part of the whole experience. I’m not sure she realizes that I still see the first therapist, and I don’t want to tell her because I don’t want to stop seeing her, because in most ways our short sessions are the most helpful of the two, though unfortunately, whether because she doesn’t think I need it or because she can’t see me more frequently, I only see her every 2-3 weeks. She is much sharper and more alert and talkative than the first one. She’s also a physician, and since my anxiety is mostly healthcare system-induced, she’s actually provided more clear, concise, and updated medical information than my actual doctors about various situations I either have (that she’s helped me to deal with), or that doctors apparently want to test me for out of boredom or for financial gain (I’ve heard “you probably have X frightening, life-altering, dangerous condition. It is not high-priority, so we will try to get you an MRI/biopsy/etc. in the next six months” at least three times now, all totally unfounded). She even went in the hospital records for (benign) results of one such test that I suspect she wasn’t really supposed to see on my behalf when the doctor who ordered the test was all “meh. Who cares. No, we can’t be bothered right now.” She gives me tasks (think about X when you start worrying about Y, report results; make plans with at least one friend this week and get out of the house every day, that kind of thing), which I really like.
Anyway, I appreciate them both–the first one for the chance to have one hour per week to say all the weird sh!t in my head and do a check-in to make sure it is weird and unfounded, and the second one for the chance to actually get concrete info that will help me figure out what to do about it. Both of them have given me a lot of positive feedback about how I’m raising my kid, which has been invaluable given that my tendency is to think I’m ruining him with my tainted mind. My personal ideal therapist would be the second one but seen once a week for an hour like I see the first one, since I appreciate both the amount of time spent and the concrete steps to work on getting better. I also like them both because they don’t automatically think I should learn to endure toxic and/or abusive family members, which was my #1 criterion for seeing anybody. I also personally like that they’re female, because after trying a couple of male ones (who happened to be pretty atrocious, not that that was because they were male), I realized that I need someone who understands sexism firsthand.
SERIAL THREAD
Woof this episode was rough. First I was frustrated at SK spending so much time on dumb rumors when there are much more pressing threads to investigate – Jaaay hello, the Innocence Project’s case, literally anything else other than Is He Guilty Tho Because He Stole $40 When He Was 13. Then that letter and I was about to cry. Then boom – it’s all over next week.
For us, not Adnan obviously. Hopefully this nightmare will be over for him as soon as possible. I am firmly on Team Adnan.
I have a very tinfoil hat theory about the case: Jay, a small time drug dealer, was brought in for questioning. Corrupt Baltimore police say, “hey we have you on these drug charges and you don’t have a solid leg to stand on in this murder case. if you cooperate, we’ll turn the other cheek. ps, here’s where the car is. pps- we know you weren’t actually involved.” Remember, the first few hours of interrogation weren’t recorded. This would also explain why Jay’s story changes so often– because he’s literally making it up. It also helps to explain the prosecutor giving Jay an attorney.
I know this is a little crazy but maybe not out of the realm of possibility.
Yes. My feeling is that if we haven’t heard from the IP, the news is probably not good. That is essentially what they said in the episode: If the news isn’t good, we will just quietly close our investigation. And now we haven’t heard from them so…
BUT. I read an excellent comment on some other site that perfectly encapsulates my feeling on the case. Short version: My gut feeling is that Adnan probably did it. That said, I don’t think that he was competently represented and I don’t think the state’s case was good enough to send him to jail. And I would really rather have a murderer go free than set the precedent that it is OK to convict people on such flimsy evidence.
Naw, as a law student who was part of a clinic similar to the Innocence Project @ UVA, this kind of thing takes a long, long time. Like, it can take more than a year to even file a brief or a motion in these kinds of cases. And in fact, the IP team is still working on the case– they’ve added students, going from the 5 in March when SK first approached them, to now having a total of 13 students on the case. As of now, they still haven’t filed the motion to get forensic evidence tested, but will be doing so soon, according to this article: http://www.law.virginia.edu/html/news/2014_fall/serial-enright.htm
Everytime I’ve opened The Toast this week I’ve seen my dumb (illustrated) face in the “Popular Posts” column on the side, and everytime it’s made me smile like a damn fool.
You earned it! Translating the Red Book of Westmarch and then successfully defending yourself in court against the Tolkien estate is no small feat! Someday soon you should treat yourself to a scuba vacation in the ruins of Beleriand or something.
That’s a great idea! AND THEN AT LAST I WILL FIND THE SILMARIL MAGLOR THREW INTO THE SEA.
We sing 12 Days of Christmas here, but all the items are changed to culturally specific things: mynah bird in a papaya tree, 2 coconuts, 3 dried squid, etc. And all the kids here know it because they sing it in school assemblies and they play it on the radio. Are there any other cultural/regional specific versions of the song where you all live? If so, what are the items?
Also, instead of “true love” the presents all come from tutu (gramma in Hawaiian).
So late, but the Australian version:
A kookaburra in a gum tree
Two snakes on skis (wat)
Three wet galahs
Four lyrebirds
FIVE KAN_GA_ROOOOOOOS
Six sharks a surfing (GET OUT OF THE WATER)
Seven emus laying
Eight dingos dancing
Nine crocs a snoozing (Again. Water. Don’t do it.)
Ten wombats washing (WAT)
Eleven lizards leaping
Twelve possums playing (This is a bit of a let down after snakes on skis and washing wombats)
the storm here was indeed weird and people lost their butts over it and in some places it was definitely scary but in other places it was a lot of…californians losing their butts over a couple inches of rain.
it’s all about me me me, so i’m really excited that i can finally put my hair up into the tiniest lil ponytail ever: seeee?
You are not lying, that is indeed the tiniest lil ponytail. Congratulations for your itty bitty ponytail!
thank you! one friend called it a “bunny tail,” which pleases me greatly.
Oh, I like “bunny tail”! On my own hair I have always called that “the pineapple stage,” because I feel that my tiniest-possible ponytail looks like the top of a pineapple.
haha, yes, the pineapple stage! i’m trying to keep the ends looped under (for the world’s tiniest sloppy bun, i guess) because otherwise they fan out, totally like a pineapple.
Update from last week, for those interested.
Me: So I totally dreamed that you said we should get married!
Boyfriend: I don’t think that was a dream…
Me: Well I’m pretty sure I was asleep, so it doesn’t count.
Aaaaaaaand then we maybe started planning a wedding, and I told him he still has to propose properly, which is maybe happening tomorrow?
Yes, I know, feminism and adult discussions and whatever, but since I’ve been ready to marry him for almost five years, I figure the least he can do is actually propose.
That is so exciting and I’m really happy for you! Please give us all the details in next week’s open thread, I am DYING TO KNOW MORE. I’m a sucker for proposal stories.
I just knew really, really early on in my relationship with my husband that we would get married. A year in, I was poking around a jewelry store’s website and saw that the ring I had my eye on was on sale, so I sent him the link. He was all, “Sweetheart, it’s too soon to get married, bla bla bla responsible adult noises” but then he ordered the ring (without making any attempt to find out my size) and hid it under his bed (without even taking it out of the package to make sure they’d sent him the right thing). We were long-distance at the time so it was almost another year before I found it when I ducked under the bed to retrieve something I’d knocked off his nightstand. That was a fun conversation to have.
He was even less smooth when he made the actual proposal a few months later.
That is an ADORABLE story, OMG.
We were long distance for almost four years, so it’s not like there was any rush for us to get engaged/married/etc. But yeah, I went from breaking things off with everyone I dated after like…two months, tops, to full-on hearts in my eyes, totally ready for commitment. It was kind of weird. I am still a little unclear on how that happened, to be honest.
I also want to hear more details when he proposes. One of my boyfriend’s close friends just got engaged and I asked how he did it and I got some sassy “Probably over dinner, we did not talk about the details” WHAT?
I would love to hear about your four year long distance relationship. We just rounded out a year of distance with no end in sight… (or with an end in sight when I finish my PhD in 3 years). It just now has started to feel like an insurmountable thing.
Anyway! Congrats!
Yeah, we met on a trip overseas when he was a couple years into a science PhD, and then went back to our respective hometowns and visited each other a lot until he graduated. I kind of enjoyed the long distance for a while, actually, because I found it ~romantic~ or whatever, but towards the end it was just sad. We went six months without a visit, once, before he moved in with me. Regular skype dates were crucial.
I don’t think it ever felt insurmountable, though. For me, the question was always “do I still want to be with him?” and the answer was always yes.
*Squeal* I was hoping you would update us! Congratulations! Also very happy to know a long distance relationship worked out for you — Like Sea_Money I’m one year into my own and it’s so. Damn. Hard! (Never found it insurmountable either, but only because I didn’t know this word. I can totally relate to the sentiment).
And hell yeah, demand a proper proposal if you want one! Not everything has to be about our misandrist tendencies, right? Have fun!
Fun story: my gentleman caller actually proposed to me in HIS sleep. He simply said “will you marry me?” and grabbed my boob. I’m not as subtle as you, though, and woke him up to ask WTF was that. He was surprised (we’re from different countries and English is second language for both of us so, when sleeptalking, we usually speak in our native idiom), but very enthusiastic that yeah, he wanted to marry the hell out of me. I slept with little tears of joy that night, even though any actual planning will have to wait until we find a way to live together.
Nothing like a somnolent boob grab to go with an inadvertent marriage proposal! Honestly, if I hadn’t been totally out of it (thanks, Benadryl!), I probably would have insisted on a discussion IMMEDIATELY.
When we were first dating, I did wonder if boyfriend is super quiet all the time because of the ESL thing, but nope, he’s super quiet in Russian, too. Incidentally, if you are trying to learn Russian, sleeping next to someone who mumbles incoherently in their sleep does not help your vocab.
Seconding the Skype dates = crucial bit. CRUCIAL.
The answer is always yes. The last six months have been hard because we each have spent six weeks at sea for research, which adds a layer of extra challenging long distance. I have not seen him since I got back on land and he just figured out that he is going back out in February / March for six more weeks. I think if I were happier in my life in here at grad school I would be less bummed out about having my partner (who has been my closest friend for a lot longer than he has been my partner) so far away.
You can do it! Academic long distance is terrible and a wrenching and seven shades of uuuuuurgh, but it is not insurmountable!
source: four years of intermediate distance relationship while I finish this godawful PhD.
Whoop whoop!
Lol the “proposal” I got on our anniversary (after about a year of Grown Up Discussion) was “so, uh, do you think we should get engaged?” and then I rolled my eyes because yes, we have already discussed this yes? And then he said “your ring is still in the mail”.
(It was an awesome ring shaped like a tentacle, and then I looked a antique rings for about a month before finding and buying an Art Nouveau ring with an opal in the center, even though I had been avoiding opals because of their softness, but it is just PERFECT. He wears a handmade silver and gold bracelet, because it seemed fair.)
(I mean holy fuck I love my ring the band is two stylized lilies or leaves and there are two smallish diamonds set on either side of this perfectly round, button-like white opal with beautiful color play and it makes me feel like I am some kind of Magical Girl super heroine Green Lantern and because I am an Adult I make “pew pew pew” laser-shooting noises and shake it at people.)
Hey Toasties! My husband is currently traveling across the continent to deliver a cat for his mother. A serval cat. It’s already bit him and pooped on him. The things we do for family! And the hefty courier fee he’s collecting…
Hmm..
http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/22996…
Oh gosh also great Dad moment – I was talking to him about a friend of mine and mentioned she’s an Eagles fan (meaning the football team). My dad got all excited and was like, “Me too!” I was confused cause he’s more of a soccer guy, so I looked at him with a “really?” face. He goes, “Yeah, totally, Hotel California and all that, so great.” I go, “No, Dad, the Philadelphia Eagles, like football!” His face falls, and he goes, “Ugh, no” and goes back to washing the dishes. Dads!
Omg <3_<3
I need gift help! My office is doing a $20 or less White Elephant gift exchange next Wednesday, and this is my first holiday season working in this (or any) office. The office is mostly (though not entirely) women aged mid-twenties to mid-fifties. Ideas?
Candle? Lotion? iTunes gift card?
I need help with the same thing! My mom suggested finding an elephant figurine.
I always fall back on getting something from The Body Shop or something like that. Everyone needs moisturizing hand cream and/or scented bath salts!
Office gifts at the office supply store: unusual stickies, staplers, etc.
Nice food things! Fig oil or posh salt, or lovely mints!
I’ve had surprisingly good luck with fancy tea mugs.
If they are available where you live: lottery tickets. They are always a huge hit at our holiday party, no matter the age of the recipient or their financial situation. People love scratch-its.
The biggest hits at my office’s White Elephant this week were a Starbucks gift card, a Starbucks mug with some snacks and instant drink mixes tucked into it, a set of really cozy and cute slipper socks (there was something else with these but I don’t remember what — a travel mug?), and a toy trumpet shaped like an elephant trunk (thematic AND, for the parents/aunts/uncles in the office, highly regiftable).
Every year for our secretaries holiday luncheon white elephant, I do the same thing: I go to the neat toystore in our building, get a fun but doofy looking puzzle and stickers and fake tattooes that go with the theme of the puzzle, maybe a color book too, and I have the shop wrap it for me. It’s ridiculous and fun and always well liked, even though everyone at lunch is a grown-ass adult.
Hi all, I have a question I’m hoping the anonymous internets can answer. My fiancee and I just bought a house, and my mother would like to write us a rather generous check (like, 4 figures, not like 6 or anything completely outrageous) for Christmas, to be used for fixing up some things around the house. I would of course normally jump at this, but my fiancee’s parents are a lot less well off due to some pretty terrible financial decisions they have made in the past, so while they have good income, they don’t have a lot of savings, and they pretty much spend everything they make, and while they generally spend pretty extravagantly at Christmas it’s nowhere in the realm of what my mother would like to do. I have all sorts of Feelings about this, as I feel like his parents are idiots who didn’t save and are probably going to expect us to partially fund their retirement, and I’m kind of torn about the check. On the one hand, will it make fiancee feel bad that his parents can’t contribute in the same way? On the other hand, I’d love to have this money to put into the house, and it’s not like it will hurt my mother to do this for us. What do you people (YOU PEOPLE) think?
Not quite the same, but similar: my parents split when I was in fourth grade, and my dad went on to get a really good job and makes gobs more money than my mom’s state job. Dad always splurged on great big gifts, or wads of cash, and Mom’s gifts were more…regular, I guess. Practical stuff, reasonable amounts, and always some fun thoughtful things thrown in. My brother and I never even thought to compare the gifts or the parents, though. People give what they can, and as long as it’s heartfelt, it’s all even.
Like when I was having lean years, and I gave people cookies as Christmas presents, and they gave me actual wrapped things, that didn’t mean I loved them any less. It’s not a competition! As long as your folks’ don’t put strings on the check, I vote go for it.
Also not quite the same – my husband’s mother and step father are very wealthy, and give us showy gifts, take us to fancy restaurants etc. My folks aren’t willing or able to do that. I don’t feel bad that my parents aren’t able to contribute like that, or to treat us to such nice things – have you asked him how he feels about it?
Read more at http://the-toast.net/2014/12/12/friday-open-threa…
Why do your partner’s parents need to be privy to the gift given by your mother? Can’t she give you the check in private? If you do a family thing in person, perhaps she could give you something smaller to unwrap in the group setting.
I think it’s fine! I’d say to fiancé: “Hey, I’m really happy about this money my mother’s offered, and I’d like to accept it. How do you feel about it?” (without saying anything about his parents–really just asking for his honest feelings on it, whatever they’re connected to) Then listen to what he has to say, and figure out what makes sense for both of you. Separately, and much later, it sounds like a conversation about what his expectations around possibly helping his parents later are, and your fears about that, might be in order, too. And, congrats on the house.
I’m in the opposite position as you – his parents always pay for us to fly to visit them, my parents at best can pay for about $300, for example. Have you talked to fiancee about how he feels about accepting a check from your mom? Has this ever come up before (“Hey fiancee, my mom wants to pay for our vacation, is that ok?”) – how has he reacted? They always say the biggest thing that breaks people up is money, and the only person who can answer “How will he feel?” is him, so ask!
I imagine, though, he would be fine taking the money. Because his parents will pay for us to visit them, I have to work a little bit harder to make sure we see my family an equitable amount, and perhaps you’ll have to find some similar kind of balance. Having fair, balanced, healthy relationships with your fiancee and in-laws and your family doesn’t boil down to a spreadsheet of whose contributed more or less.
Talk to your fiancee, obviously, but my inclination is to say yes to the money.
I’m in a similar situation to your fiancee– my husband’s parents are well-off and love to give us financial support, while my family is less well-off (similar income but more dependents) and for various reasons I figure I’ll be supporting my parents someday. I felt pretty weird about the receiving large sums of money from my in-laws when I was younger (like when my then-boyfriend’s parents paid off his student loans in one fell swoop), and it still confuses me a little because it’s so different from how my own family works, but it’s one of the ways (among many) that my mother-in-law shows us love, and I’ve learned that declining it is like denying her the chance to shower us with affection. I’ve adjusted to it, and frankly I feel really grateful.
Thanks to everyone who commented. I will definitely talk to him and see what he thinks, I’m sure he’ll be fine with it, but I do want to talk to him rather than having him be totally blindsided by it.
English mu… A bisc… I…
This is a muffin: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/8/8…
And these are biscuits: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/4/4…
That up there? That’s a friggin’ roll. Muffin, grumble mumble grr.
The language isn’t universal, but English muffins are in fact a distinct category from other-muffins like you link, rolls (which have a denser crumb), and American-style biscuits (which are flaky bread rolls usually made with baking soda)! English muffins are typically yeast-breads, at least partially cooked on a griddle or skillet, like so: http://www.abeautifulmess.com/2014/01/homemade-en…
In any case, that probably isn’t a photograph of Mallory’s actual breakfast.
You’re not from round these parts, but Mallory’s terminology was perfectly correct, clear and even matched to the stock photo. That up thar’ is no roll, an English muffin is nothing like a roll, nor does it resemble the other kind of muffin. And biscuits are buttery heaven-drops, or they are treats for dogs. ETA: as already and learnedly addressed by my esteemed colleague.
THE STUPID FUCKING RAIN. Despite the fact that in the past, raining was EXACTLY WHAT IT DID ALL WINTER, some how the Bay Area is UTTERLY UNPREPARED FOR IT. So, not only was my university campus closed yesterday, because several parts of it are prone to flooding because ARCHITECTS ARE ASSHOLES, but my internet went out for a few hours, parts of my neighborhood lost power, and I have a review paper due on Tuesday (but the prof would really prefer Monday so she has more time to grade it) – the problem being that it is a collaborative project on which I have two partners – we gave a presentation on the paper last Tuesday and then promptly all had schedule conflicts that have prohibited us from working together in person on the review, and one of my partners had incredibly spotty internet yesterday, and then her house flooded. I am personally tempted to say “eh, fuck it”, because I already have greater than 100% in the class, plus I am actually an unofficial post-bac taking this class solely because I want to and was never able to as an undergrad b/c of scheduling conflicts, but my partners both need this class to graduate and do *not* have the grade leeway, either. (This is not to say that I am in any way actually better at Parasitology than they are, just that I am only taking one class and not working at a real job, either, and the “oh yes I will tutor and grade for you for free (read: you will give me advice and say nice things about me to your colleagues and write me a letter of recommendation), microbio professor!” “job” I have is intermittent and based on when the class has homework sets and when I agree to come in.)
My apartment and my work both lost power yesterday, which was… kind of nice? A hassle at first, but then when I realized there was literally nothing I could do I just told my boss and went home to read by the window and snuggle with my cat.
Oh man, if it weren’t for the whole “collaborative, research-based assignment due in three days” thing it would have been great.
I want to get a new hobby…. contemplating knitting, woodworking, or ballet. Or two of those! Or all three! (I’ve taken a ballet class before and I liked it. I also really like leotards and aspire to work them into my every day wardrobe.)
Any knitting/woodworking advice out there from the Toastrons? (Like… what are knitting needles…)
I’m an absolute beginner knitter, and if cack-handed clumsy me can do it, anyone can.
Knitting needles are basically long sticks with points at the end. They come in various sizes to go with different thicknesses of string. They can be made out of wood, plastic or metal – I prefer wood and metal, and hate plastic, but people are all different. Some knitting needles have an extra point at the back, or a cable connecting them so that you can do special things. You make loops around one stick, and then you make loops around the loops with the other stick, and after some repetitons of this with variations on the loops, you have fabric.
I learned with a book and youtube videos and newstitchaday.com and the odd lesson from the nice lady who runs one of my local knitting shops. If there is a yarn shop near you you could see if they run classes or one-on-one lessons. You’ll probably start with thick yarn and chunky needles because it’s easier to see what you’re doing.
This was extremely informative. Thanks! 🙂
KNITTING KNITTING KNITTING I’m obsessed! If you can afford it, I definitely recommend taking a class at your local yarn shop. The woman who runs the classes where I am is so kind and patient and the classes are small so she can give everyone one-on-one attention. I tried to teach myself and I just never got the hang of it, it only really clicked when I had someone teach me. I took one class on scarves and one on hats and now I am a knitting MACHINE and I’m making hats and cowls for everyone for Christmas. I would marry my circular needles if I could.
I totally second newstichaday, I’ve taught myself a bunch of pretty stitches off there.
Get the Stitch and Bitch book. It’s funny, and it teaches you how to correct your mistakes (majorly useful skill, at least for me!).
But also, woodworking is SO satisfying. Plus, it necessitates semi-frequent trips to hardware stores and/or lumber yards, and those are amongst my favorite places on earth.
I second the Stitch n Bitch book. Her historical research is not the greatest, but she’s fantastic at describing knitting techniques.
I love correcting mistakes and if I can find a way to do that instead of crying at my craft errors (usual strategy) that would be ace.
I really want to get into woodworking/furniture stuff, but I live in an apartment with carpeted floors and the outside patio space I have isn’t usable in the winter (because…winter). In particular, I found this really cute wicker-top table on the street, but the former owners had put plants on it and now the finish on the wicker is flaking and I don’t know how to fix that.
Some cities have “maker-space” places that have tools and workspace you can use for some sort of membership or fee- maybe there’s one near you? Added bonus that they also tend to have other people who might have experience/ advice to share.
I took up ballet as a hobby a few years ago and I absolutely love it! I even got to perform in a recital with my class. I find it extremely relaxing and meditative, and I like it a lot better than yoga. My legs are also getting really strong.
The nice thing about knitting is it’s easy and cheap to get into. Buy a ball of yarn and a pair of needles, watch some youtube tutorials, and knit a scarf. If you don’t like knitting you’re only out a pair of needles and you have a new scarf!
Haha, it’s so cheap to get in to. And then you accidentally knit with gorgeous fancy wool for the first time, and it ruins you for cheap stuff forever. Damn expensive wool being so gorgeous!
I knit and take ballet!
Others have given some good advice re knitting. I taught myself from the Stitch n Bitch book, but there are a lot of good YouTube videos now. Scarves are a good beginning project, largely because they are repetitive and you will get the hang of making the stitches (and making them consistently the same).
I took ballet as a kid and I loved it, but quit as a teenager (because teenagers…). I started back a couple of years ago and I love it. At first, the class I was taking was more of a ‘ballet fitness’ kind of thing (sort of ballet-based, with some things that were more exercise/Pilates/yoga), but I have now found a proper ballet class (with an RAD certified teacher) and it was so. good. I wish I could afford more than one class a week.
YOU GUYYYZZZZZZZ is got my compression vest last night and i am SO EXCITED. i will get to be pretty_boi_monster at work for the first time ever on monday. i have my shirt and tie and sweater all picked out 😀 but what do i do with my long hair??? i want “faux short hair”. suggestions on stylz, plz!
HIGH FIVE on getting your compression vest! So exciting!
I have no suggestions for faux short hair (personally, I think that outfit with long flowy hair or hair pulled back into a french twist would be faboo), but I’m super excited for you!
You could club or queue it? Basically tie it back in a ponytail and then fold it over so it’s all tied up in a neat little pouch.
(yes I get all my hairstyles from the 18th century what of it)
A few faux-short-hair styles I’ve done in the past were:
– slick the hair back, tightish to the skull, fasten into a low, sleek bun. If you do a side part with this it can look like an edwardian mens hair cut.
– faux faux-hauk – brush the sides up, twist, pin, spike the centre piece with gel and hair spray
– low pinning (this creates a sort of twenties bob thing, so might not be what you want) brush hair down, twist ends up under themselves, pin until all the hair looks like a bob.
YES to your first suggestion! Channel your inner Jenna Lyons
Reposting because for some reason this didnt’ come in as a reply… therapy has really, really helped me. It was so good to just have someone to talk to and get all my bad thoughts out and have someone that didn’t judge me. I’m really sorry you had a crappy time with the first person you called. If you’re in the DC area and need a referral to someone good, let me know and I’d be happy to give you some names. I have, uh, had a lot of therapy in my life.
also, I second the thought that sometimes it takes time to find exactly the right person. The first few people I worked with were good, but I have finally found someone who is great and her personality just MATCHES mine. I feel incredibly lucky.
Please do not hate yourself to death (or hate yourself in any way). Lots, lots, lots of us have gone through this and it’s so hard, but you can keep trying.
So Guy I Have Been Seeing transformed himself this week into My Boyfriend. Meep! I broke up with my last serious boyfriend in July, and I REALLY did not expect to be back into something exclusive so soon, but….I really like this dude. I already feel much more compatible with him than I ever did with my ex (who was a great guy, we just didn’t mesh on a lot of interest/personality things). And he’s clearly really into me, and the sex is awesome, and and and.
🙂
Of course, my ex must have spidey sense or something because this week he emailed me asking if I wanted to get together and “talk.” I have no idea if he wants to have a “what happened in our relationship” conversation or just a drink and light catch up session, and I do not think I can handle the former, but I can’t really ASK…so I put him off til January and will deal with it then. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Thank you… thank you… thank God for you…
I saw this at the grocery store the other day:
Don’t get me wrong. I adore cheese. But… I feel like… maybe there are better ways to honour our veterans and commemorate those who died in the Great War?
(There’s also a “1914 Honour” cheese for those of you who prefer it soaked in white wine.)
There’s also a Great War wine available at the LCBO.
I do not see how cheese or wine are commemorating the dead.
Clearly the next step is Great War crackers, that way we would have a complete menu for our next Rilla of Ingleside reading party.
Can you PLEASE move here and live next door to me and make snarky remarks like this always PLEASE?
A good start to commemorating the dead would be spelling “comemorate” correctly.
Totes read that as “velour cheese” and thought that must be a legit type of cheese.
When Zap Brannigan starts a line of “luxury” foods.
Well that’s a thing.
I would love to eat this cheese because it sounds delicious but the idea behind it is super weird.
Heyyy, guess who spent most of her week on the jury for a criminal trial? Guess who is much, much less stressed out than she has been for the last several days because now she can talk about it? This lady right here!
I recently got my first jury summons ever– from the state I don’t live in anymore. I was actually a little bit disappointed, because my inner Lisa Simpson has always wanted to perform my civic duty and see the law in action.
I was the second-youngest person by far on this jury at 31 – the youngest was 27 – so regardless of how old you are, there’s still time! If you want to be summoned, make sure you’re registered to vote and have a current driver’s license or state ID, because that’s how they find people.
OH MAN I AM FASCINATED TELL ME EVERYTHING.
I can never be on a jury, and it makes me a bit sad 🙁
Also, I’m in Canada, where jurors can never talk about their experiences.
What was the charge? What was the result? How was the rest of the jury?
OKAY
There were three charges, all stemming from a single incident: first-degree burglary (entering a home without the owner’s consent and with the intent to commit a crime), attempted third-degree sexual assault, and first-degree burglary with assault (the same as the other burglary charge, but including assault, sexual or otherwise).
We found him guilty of the non-assault burglary charge. He gave an interview to the police officer who arrested him, and it was recorded and played for us in court. In the interview, he admitted to doing everything the state needed to prove that he had done for him to be convicted on it, so we didn’t need much time to come to a conclusion on that.
We found him not guilty of the other two charges. To find him guilty of burglary + assault, we basically had to find him guilty of both of the other two charges, since we didn’t think there was a non-sexual assault established. We spent over an hour deliberating on whether to find him guilty of the sexual assault charge. The problem was that there wasn’t any physical evidence at all, so all we had was the victim’s testimony, and although two jurors believed her quite strongly, her order of events had several holes and some of us felt that the psychological aftereffects she described could be attributed to the break-in alone. That and a number of other factors led us to the conclusion that her testimony was not enough to find him guilty.
I don’t know if what she said was true or not, and it’s very possible that it was. Even the judge, when he came to the deliberation room to talk to us after the trial, told us that he himself was confused about what had happened. But the defendant was a teenage Black boy (the victim was an older white woman) and I personally wasn’t keen on throwing him in prison for anything I couldn’t be sure he had done. Of course, I am sure that he did one of the things he was charged with, so he’s going away for that. I guess nobody’s really happy here.
I was pleasantly surprised by the other jurors. There were six men and six women, all white (suburban Minnesota), one in her 20s, one 31-year-old (me), a few maybe in their 40s, everyone else over 50, and based on some of the nuts who went through voir dire I wasn’t really sure what to expect. But although I liked some people more than others and agreed with some people more than others (and the people I liked didn’t always overlap with the people I agreed with), everyone became invested in the case and its outcome, and everyone was committed to having a civil and thoughtful discussion. I felt respected and valued, both by them and by the court.
Did you all openly discuss the issues of race and of sexual assault victim testimony? When I was on a jury there was a major class thing going on between the witnesses (young, poor, tattooed and pierced, several kids but no marriages) and the defendant (older white guy in a suit, the patriarch of the witnesses), and we did not talk about it openly. I tried to challenge people when they said things that were obviously biased towards the defendant, just by saying “why do you think that?” but that was the best I could do.
We did not discuss race. I wondered if it ever would come up, but nobody else mentioned it (except for one curmudgeon in voir dire, and even then not directly), and I didn’t bother because if anything people seemed more sympathetic to him because he was so young.
As for sexual assault victim testimony, several people held the same opinion that I did – hers was quite possibly true but contained some significant holes and had nothing at all to corroborate it, and we thought she may have had reason to have lied or exaggerated the truth – and some people, like I said, believed her implicitly and said so. But one person did say that she didn’t believe the victim’s testimony because she wasn’t very expressive while giving it, and I said that it was a faulty argument and a slippery slope to consider a (possible, attempted) sexual assault victim’s testimony suspect because she didn’t appear to be sad enough, and others agreed with me. Otherwise, we didn’t really address it directly.
(Edit: the curmudgeon was excused and did not end up on this jury.)
All the finals talk (good luck, all y’all!) spurs me to ask: grad school – is it worth it? Should I go just because I’m bored and underemployed, or do you have to have a Real Life Goal in mind to undertake such a thing?
Should I go just because I’m bored and underemployed
I cannot thumbs-up this enough. 500% appropriate (and accurate) indeed.
Ha! Okay, okay, fine.
(You’re from Lawrence, right? I just left there about six months ago and I’m having terrible holiday homesickness! Go drive down Mass St. and look at the lights for me? Pretty please?)
I think the Real Life Goal is helpful, especially if money is any concern. A lot of programs are not funded, or only funded to some extent, so it’s a lot to shell out for a degree you may or may not end up using in the future. (Also take into account cost of living during grad school. Would you be going to school full-time? Taking night classes on the side?)
That said, there are some fields where getting a graduate degree can open up a LOT more options career-wise, so if you think this might be the case for you, definitely at least look into it. (And look at what jobs you’d be able to get with the degree, what the pay scale is like, what the placement rate after graduation is at the schools you’re applying to, etc.)
Bored and underemployed is THE WORST reason to go to graduate school, unless you are Bored and Underemployed and Cannot Break Into A Field You Are Passionate About Without One.
At the very least, you need to have a semblance of a goal to narrow down and select a degree program, no? I highly, highly, do not recommend graduate school without a lot of introspection and cost-benefit analysis and maybe another year after you decide you want to do it.
Are you fully funded in a field you’re extremely interested in?
If the answer is yes, do you feel OK with giving up some years to intellectual passion with no guarantee of return, and accepting that other people your age will go through all kinds of milestones and pay raises while you’re spending years not necessarily moving ahead but learning all about the lifeways of wichetty grubs/obscure topological concepts/origins of the rime royale stanza?
Well, then maybe. I blew a decade this way and am not sorry, and I managed to end up in a good career place. But for fuck’s sake don’t put any money into it, and don’t expect a university to help you find a post-academic career when you (probably) can’t get a job in your field afterwards. If you can’t enjoy thinking of it as a chance to spend a bunch of years studying something you love with little hope of payback other than getting to talk to smart people and knowing more about your favorite obscurities than other people, do not do it.
All good points and things to think about, thanks. I think the answer to most of those questions is yes, but obviously I ought to be putting more thought into this. A decade sounds quite overwhelming, but the two-year program I’m looking at seems doable. Thanks for the insight!
Can we have a thread about BUNNIES? I recently took some photos of mine and want to share.
This is Poppy. I do not think she is aware of how ridiculous she looks.
This is Gaius Buntar. He got an ear infection earlier in the year and though the vet cured that, he was left with a (permanently?) tilted head. This means he constantly looks quizzical and disapproving. I mean, even more disapproving than rabbits already look all the time.
GAIUS BUNTAR
These are some excellent bunnies.
Holy jeez those are adorable.
They’re gorgeous! With gorgeous names too!
Talking of bunny names, a friend of a friend of mine has two called Walter Bunnyamin and Simone de Bunnoir.
A friend of mine in law school has a classmate with a bunny named Ruth Bader Ginsbun.
Your bunnies are the cutest!! Here are mine:
Flopsey says, “stay away from Loki Pokey or I bite you”
“Loki Pokey says, “suitcases! Climb on all the things!” while Flopsey looks on disapprovingly from the safety of the land-underneath-the-shelf.
Bad/annoying things that happened this week:
-Not finished with finals
-Called for jury duty that begins on the day before boyfriend and I are supposed to go on vacation
-Racked up a million billion dollars in library fines
-I have a weird gross lump in a specific place in the back of my throat that I think is related to being sniffly/congested/post-nasal-drippy and I keep swallowing and clearing my throat and it won’t go away
Good things to counteract them:
-SO CLOSE to being finished with finals
-Was able to postpone jury duty until this summer, so we can still fly out as planned
-I am very excited about my lunch today
TOASTIES IN AUSTRALIA!
I have no idea what time it is in your fair country, but I hope you can answer some questions.
How are the police down there? Do they hide evidence and coerce confessions and shoot people in the streets?
Is it true that the leader of your country is openly atheist?
The animals that are poisonous and deadly… how common in town? Do you know anyone who has died/nearly died from poisonous insect attack?
I am reaching my limit of patience with the US, but northern europe is too cold. Please advise.
I do believe the leader of their country is a raging conservative, on the level of the US tea party, so I’m not sure it’s really the greatest place right now.
Could be very, very wrong though.
You’re thinking of Julia Gillard: she is an atheist, but no longer the PM.
The leader of their country is an asshole. The former leader is marvelous and an atheist.
The police are not as bad as police in the US but still kind of racist and terrible. Less guns. Fewer people get murdered by police overall.
Our current PM Tony Abbott is a conservative Christian (the last one, Julia Gillard was an atheist but still objected to gay marriage on, uh, moral grounds)(yes I’m ignoring Kevin Rudd’s brief reprise). Our government is not the best, to put it mildly (I’ve stopped listening to/watching the news) but we do have free healthcare. And no mass shootings.
The poisonous animals and insects we have are THE MOST POISONOUS IN THE WORLD I think and kind of terrifying but generally, it’s verrrry unlikely that you’ll die of wildlife in the cities.
Positive note: if you do emigrate, people will think your accent is really cute.
I keep having work dreams. Not work nightmares, just dreams about doing the normal things that I’m supposed to be doing at work, emailing people prices, etc. The problem with this, other than questions of work-life balance, is that I’m having trouble remembering which things I’ve done, and which things I’ve just dreamt that I’ve done. It’s unsettling.
Also, we have two of our gas fireplaces (each rated to heat between 1500 and 2000 square feet) going, as well as our largest wood stove, rated up to 2400 square feet. I recognize that this is a good problem to have, as far as it goes, but I’m dying. I have to keep a door propped wide open, and I’ve taken my socks off.
Also, I’m getting totally pitted out, which is annoying.
Aaand my boss just closed the door so as not to cause customers to become cold. It’s fine, I’ll just sit here and roast quietly.
I’m giving my FIRST EVER READING tonight in Minneapolis, excerpts from the story I’m writing right now. The story that’s in its FIRST DRAFT.
Sorry for all the huge letters and melodrama, but I’m giving my FIRST READING TO COMPLETE STRANGERS who may not be tipsy and what happens at a reading I’ve never even attended one before!
Just to be clear, this entire post was shouted, not just the things in all-caps, which in fact were shouted even more loudly.
GOOD LUCK!!
AWESOME! (shouting, for sure, very excited for you!)
I went to the office party last night and I looked amazing and I got my yearly bonus and raise this morning and I’m launching my first project today so
WOO
WOOOOOO!
and I looked amazing
CAN COSIGN, ROBOT LOOKED AMAZING
SHORT HAIRED TOASTIES!
At my bimonthly haircut, the very sweet but very distracted hairdresser cut my hair MUCH shorter than I liked, and my beautiful bangs are gone. Since I’m attending a bunch of holiday parties n’ stuff for December, I need styling ideas for very short hair. How do faux hawks work? What do I do with my very short bangs? Any/all advice appreciated.
It sounds like it’s not shaved, so it’s actually on the long side of very short, right? You can do lots, don’t worry. Go get some styling wax/paste (I am partial to Aveda men’s grooming clay because I like the smell, I’ve heard good things about American Crew, but you can just grab whatever to start), rub a little dab in your fingers, and then rake your fingers through your hair to see how you like your hair to lie. I personally like to push my bangs (not really long enough to justify the word) to one side like Jean Seberg here, but you may get different results depending on your hairline shape. Try using a comb to part it and make it flat in various ways, then mess it up with your fingers to see what it looks like messy. My hair isn’t long enough to do a fauxhawk, but try raking everything towards the middle, front, and then vertical. Make sense?
Yes! the Jean Seberg short bangs look is actually very attractive if you fill in your eyebrows really well. And this marks the second Toast open thread in a row where I extol the virtues of strong eyebrows.
For a less expensive hair wax (not really a wax but it’s awesome), try Garnier Fructis Surf Hair paste. I used it for years on different lengths of hair and my brother also loves it.
i also like got2b “defiant” paste!
American Crew pomade is great and has a very light manly fragrance, and it rinses out really really easily — of course the downside of that is that it will wash right the hell out in the rain. But it’s what I use for my long-side-of-very-short hair, and I like it a lot.
Short bangs are cool. They make you look verrrrrry stylish so just be super confident, wear your edgiest clothes and make up and everyone will be intimidated and you will rule the room and possibly the world.
Faux hawks work by brushing your hair forward from the back of your crown, then pushing the sides up together like a mohawk, then fiddling with your bangs to whatever position is most flattering for your face and taste–pushed up, pushed to the side, one small piece pulled down–play with it. 🙂
I highly, highly recommend Got 2 Be’s hair powder for extraordinary volume that is incredibly soft (not crunchy like gel or sticky like wax/paste), and very malleable.
Try pushing your short bangs to one side and wearing a sparkly headband or a scarf–big earrings also help balance things out.
Hipster Rasputin is also right on with the filled in eyebrow recommend–I use a soft brown eyeshadow, not a pencil, for a softer, more natural look.
Good luck–weird haircuts are hard, but at least they’re never permanent, right?
Toast friends, I need recommendations – what is the absolute best, most moisturizing/healing hand lotion you know of? My younger brother requested some for Christmas, he gets HORRIBLY dry skin in the winter, to the point where it cracks and bleeds. Unscented, please.
Thanks 🙂
Umm I will have to double check the brand when I get home, but I use Eucerin hand creams– my hands aren’t super dry, but my mom’s and brother’s are, and that was what they used. They’re usually unscented, and they’re thick as butter so just a dab will do. It also helps to wear cotton gloves at night after application of lotion.
I also sometimes apply Aquaphor to the worst spots– my knuckles sometimes crack and I just slather it on. Seems to help. I also put it on my lips but I’m not sure that’s good for you.
I use Vaseline Lip Therapy on my lips,the original stuff. It’s basically just Vaseline in a tiny tub, as best I can tell, and it is fucking TERRIFIC. Fixed my lips right up.
Eucerin & Aquaphor, for sure – they’re the most effective things I’ve found.
I have horribly dry skin and I swear by Neutrogena Norwegian Formula hand cream. You can get it in various concentrations and either unscented or with a very light and neutral fragrance, and it works miracles.
I also love Lush’s Dream Cream but it is on the expensive side and has a very strong (not unpleasant) herbal scent.
I live in Edmonton (the “but it’s a DRY cold!” capital of the world) and can confirm that Norwegian formula is the best thing for winter hands. I usually really hate hand cream, but the quick-absorbing one is the only thing I can tolerate on the regular.
I use this one too. I probably shouldn’t but I also use it on my lips when they’re super bad or around my nose when I’m sniffly.
I use the Norwegian Formula cream too, super great!
I live in the Deep South, so it’s obviously not so cold here, but I started using it when I was a barista and had constantly cracking and bleeding dried out dishwashing hands, so.
I can concur, Neutrogena is where it’s at.
thirding the neutrogena norwegian formula. that stuff means business.
I have super dry hands and I like Nivea’s Smooth Indulgence lotion. All of the Vaseline-like ones like Aquaphor and Norweigian Formula seem to make my hands feel both greasy and bone dry at the same time, but the Nivea is a really thick cream formula that sinks right in.
Oooh, thank you. I have that same problem with Norwegian Formula. I want to like it, but it just sits on top of my skin, wipes off on my clothes, and then my hands are dry again. UGH. I’ll look for the Nivea Smooth Indulgence this weekend.
O’Keeffe’s Working Hands Hand Cream! I use it on my elbows and feet more than on my hands, but it’s incredibly moisturizing.
This is going to sound weird, but check your hardware store. In among the hand cleaners there will be some awesome, heavy-duty, super old fashioned moisturizers. I’ve tried Bag Balm, Badger Balm, and O’Keefe’s Working Hands. They are more solid than liquid, but they were fantastic for the winter I spent working in a freezing print shop, where I had to wash my hands all the time. I like me some fancy lotion too, but these things were lifesavers once my hands started cracking.
Eucerin is what my sister-with-eczema uses, following medical advice.
Is cracking-and-bleeding skin unusual? I thought that was just average winter skin-behaviour? I do know I have dry skin & moisturize a lot, but I thought cracking-and-bleeding was just part of the human condition.
I’m very late to this thread, but I second Eucerin – get the “light” formula without alcohol! I used to have awful winter skin on my hands in middle school, and that’s what finally helped heal it. Also, does he know how to use lotion? This may sound like a dumb question, but does he know that he needs to put it on every time he washes his hands, and slather it on every night before going to sleep? It’s a pain in the butt, and now I’m having the scaly hands again because I just went from having a rental with a dish washer in it to one without, and my skin is back to its old ways. I hate greasy lotion hands, but I need to get back to moisturizing them religiously or else they will crack and bleed and that would be so much worse.
If he’s only using lotion when his hands get to their worst, he’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it wrong for sure right now.
Just adding my voice to the chorus of, “Yes, it’s worth it!” I’ve done different kinds of therapy (group, one-on-one) over the years, when I’ve hit rough patches, and with the right therapist, it can be a wonderful growth experience. Good luck, sweetie!
to justjunny: Also not quite the same – my husband’s mother and step father are very wealthy, and give us showy gifts, take us to fancy restaurants etc. My folks aren’t willing or able to do that. I don’t feel bad that my parents aren’t able to contribute like that, or to treat us to such nice things – have you asked him how he feels about it?
Toasties who wear plus sizes, could you please recommend good brands of tights for winter layering? Ones that are comfortable around the waist (I carry weight around my middle and hate tight waistbands) and can be bought online. Thanks!
I ADORE the American Apparel winter leggings (they’re thicker than the normal ones). I’m usually a size 12/pants size 31 and they fit my waist very comfortably.
hello! I am not sure whether you are looking for leggings or tights, but welovecolors.com are really really great – soft, opaque, and have none of this “shaping” malarkey, so they’re pretty comfortable. I’ve also heard good things about Hue brand tights! The wlc ones won’t be super warm, but really good for layering.
My PhD viva is this coming Monday. My departmental Christmas party was earlier this week. I got to the party a bit early since I caught a lift and the only person I knew who was there already was a man who happens to also be my internal examiner. I thought well, what the hell, we can talk about other stuff so I went up to him, smiled and said ‘Hi Phil!’ at which he turned around, panic and horror leapt into his eyes, and he replied ‘I’M SORRY I HAVEN’T READ IT YET!!! I’M REALLY SORRY BUT I HAVEN’T READ IT YET!!!’
Somehow feeling a tiny bit less nervous about the viva now.
After a horrible dry spell in my business, I twisted the arm of one of my new male clients into introducing me to various of his colleagues. They are all men, they all think they are Very Important because they Run Businesses, as opposed to what I do, which is also running a business but which they will refer to as Freelancing without fail.
I really need the income, but so far in my dealings with Very Important Men Who Run Businesses, the best strategy is to act like you’re too good for them anyway, charge the sun and the stars, and dazzle them with quality work. And subtly imply if they object to my pricing that they can’t afford me, to which the male ego always seems to rouse up and go “I CAN TOTALLY AFFORD YOU I CAN AFFORD ANYTHING HAVE YOU SEEN THE SIZE OF MY PENIS HERE I’LL OFFER YOU DOUBLE YOUR PRICE.”
Wish me luck. I’m spending this whole month seeing if faking it til you make it is going to work for me, and if so, it’s going to be my strategy henceforth. For men, anyway. With women my strategy is usually to make friends with them, and then we just mutually look out for each other and have a great time while exchanging services for money. Women are the best.
I love your pricing strategy. I want to be more like you.
That scheme/you sound amazing!
I don’t know if this is possible, but would it give you more credibility to have Linette, LLC, a [service] company, instead of just Linette, [servicer]? It might be another good way to ram your business down their throat a bit more. Get a nice logo, some pretty fonts and colors, you know?
(I didn’t mean for so many double entendres, but there you go)
I actually do have a service company with its very own name. I am properly incorporated, I have a business bank account and EID, I have a professionally made website and logo, I have ALL THE STUFF. And I completely understand why you might think I didn’t, because WHY ELSE would the various men not think of my business as professional?
They don’t think of my business as a business because I’m a woman, and therefore my business is an adorable side project my husband probably financed. I promise you, in more than one case, the man condescending to my “freelancing” had a far less professional online presence than I do.
It’s a thing. It helps that my real name is androgynous, but it is still a Thing. 🙁
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck theeeeeeeeem aaaaaaaaaaaaaalll!
Take their money first though.
(ugh, still going strong with the prostitution themed double meanings today, sorry!)
FUCK. THIS. SHIT!
Linette, by your original post you sound like a fierce lady and I wish I had an inch of your kick-assery. Please, in the name of womenkind, keep sucking these dudebros dry. I’m absolutely sure you’ll make it even without needing to fake it and… sorry, I don’t make any sense anymore, I just melted into a pool of misandrist rage.
Warning: massive vent to follow.
Friends, it’s been a while, but I’m glad to be here. The last month or so has been such an insane whirlwind of good and bad. I’m starting to run into some serious problems with the job I love and I’m really starting to look at other work. One of my most beloved coworkers has to leave the country and may not come back, and I’m sick about it. I’ve pretty much run myself into the ground for the company lately and it sounds like things are just going to keep escalating, and not in a fun exciting new projects way, in a really sucky and emotionally draining way.
On top of that, due to a ridiculous confluence of circumstances, I am flat broke right now and I was barely scraping by before. In the span of a month I: lost and had to replace my glasses ($230 including an eye exam), had to rush my kitten to the vet after he broke a pint glass and sliced his leg playing with it (almost $600 and we haven’t gotten the stitches removed yet), was accepted into two Fringe festivals with my best friend which is YAY but also requires full fees paid upfront ($690 for my half) plus two best friend birthdays last month that required gift-giving and drink-drinking and food-fooding and then also this month is Christmas so presents plus parties plus trying to keep up with social engagements.
I’m just exhausted; everything in my life feels like it costs me money or energy or a piece of my soul, even stuff that I enjoy and that should make me happy, and I just can’t do it anymore. I’m really fighting the urge to withdraw from everything, something that can really help me recharge my batteries for the short-term but can quickly spiral into a dark, bad place if I’m not really tightly in control of my feelings. Plus this is just a terrible time of year to cut myself off from people. How do you guys cope with burnout?
Ugh. That’s a rough place to be in–needing to step back and recharge, but worrying that you might not re-emerge from your cave. Maybe set up a buddy system with a good friend? Ask them to give you a week and then promise you’ll allow them to strong-arm you into small steps back into society? So, like, a week off to hermit, and then a coffee date for an hour or two, then the next week a movie, and then the next week arrange a small group drink date, etc.?
I think CleverManka’s idea is good. I was going to suggest something similar where you do let yourself hermit for a bit from everyone except one very trusted friend whom you’ll see once a week or at least talk on the phone every few days. I felt quite similarly a few months ago and it did actually help to shut myself in for a bit but retain some minimal contact with the outside world. I’d choose a friend that you feel comfortable mooching around doing nothing with. I hope things get better soon! x
Agreeing with the two wise ladies who already commented- try giving yourself a nice, defined, relatively short period of time (even just a long weekend, if you have sick leave available?) where you can stay home with big blankets and favorite books/netflix/etc. and drink warm things and eat whatever your laziest comfort food is… sometimes just a few extra days can make a big difference in terms of recharging, if those few days are really and truly free of demands.
I have no coping advice, but I’d like to offer my commiseration. I’m right there with you– the past few months have been financially exhausting (including a $2k vet bill, which is just the beginning), and I can’t quite seem to catch a break. I don’t remember the last time I was this stressed out. So I wish you (and your kitten!) good luck. It’s tough these days!!
In case you all missed it, last weekend the NYC Toasties had a Meatup where all the straight ladies brought straight single male friends and we mingled etc. And I gave my number to one of them. And last night we went on a date that lasted for four hours.
he’s really cute
that’s all
Oooh! I didn’t go to the Meatup because I’m a chicken, but I was wondering if any successful matches were made! Good jorb!
“Meatup”
I love you all so much.
Wait HOW did I miss that event?? Can we have another one? I desperately need a Toast-approved straight boy in my life. Glad yours is working out well too!
Oh what!? That sounds like such a good way to meet dates. I am so, so tired of screening dudes for things like basic human decency, recognizes that women are people, etc. From now on, Toast-approved men only.
Oh, wow, what an amazing idea. I am trapped down a well of misandry currently, but one day soon I will surface, and this sounds delightful.
Damn it I have the perfect straight single male friend but I have been out of the country for a week and a half (and also didn’t know this was happening). Next time! Wait can I still bring him if I’m not straight?
Yes! You are welcome to act as a conduit to straight romance (and also just socialize and have fun!) we have name tags where you can write “wing woman”.
this is an amazing idea. I know I’m super late, but anyone interested in doing this in the bay area?
do ittttt
Yesterday the power was out at work and at home, so I had to take a (paid) day off to read by the window, snuggle kitties and bake some cookies. This must be what east coast kids mean when they talk about snow days.
*smooches* too kind, too kind
Well, this year I got drunk and told coworkers how much I love them (I spend most of my sober days in the office being weird and socially awkward) and then announced that I was quitting the next day (new job, woo!)
Other christmas party “highlights” of my life:
1. once started a new job in november, making the xmas party extremely awkward. I also had a huge crush on my boss at the time, so I used the christmas party to tell him i loved him as well (in the real way, as opposed to the above-mentioned ‘we are drunk and i think you are cool but i’ve been too weird to make friends with you!)
2. once when I was a little bitty intern i had the misfortune of having an unplanned/unwanted pregnancy around christmas party time. I began crying when I didn’t get a secret santa gift (whyyyyyy) and then proceeded to tell my internship supervisory about being pregnant (while also being wasted, natch).
Wake me up in january.
ETA: this was supposed to be in response to thread above about office xmas party tales!
I started my job last November and our “non-alcoholic” *wink,* KARAOKE-BASED Christmas party was a real hoot. Related– this year we’re doing a secret santa, and while everyone else has been getting booze and gag gifts, I got a book about Eleanor Roosevelt. They must remember my comportment at the Christmas party. Totally interested in that book though.
Woah! I started this job a few months ago, so it’s really sort of a social proving ground for me, but I’d much rather just be pleasant through dinner and then skip out before the drinking/singing starts.
That said, next week I’m going to my roommate’s work holiday party, and she works at a sex club, so there will be lots of this happening there. I mean like a literal actual planned orgy of coworkers. (Best team-building exercise ever.)
A+ GIF HIGHLY APPROVED
Well, Tuesday was a HUGE EMOTIONAL UP DAY! My sister-in-law gave birth to her son, making me an auntie. He’s gorgeous and so small and so perfect, I love him already and I’ve only seen him in photos (I’ll get to meet him over Christmas break). And then as if that’s not enough joy, a friend of mine gave birth to a daughter! She had, last year, lost a baby due to a terrible accident involving the umbilical cord during birth, so the joy everyone felt for her upon the successful birth of her daughter was freaking palpable, right?
And then Wednesday came and everything came crashing down, as that friend’s beautiful baby girl died of an unexpected complication after spending a bit of time in the NICU. I am absolutely shattered for my friend, who is understandably devastated — she’s lost two babies upon hours of birthing them in two years and it’s just so, so unfair that this would happen to her after what she’d already been through.
I’m of course grieving for her and thinking of her and her husband all the time right now, but I’m also like… folding in on myself, worrying “what if it happens to me?” over and over, and trying to think of happy thoughts and happy, healthy births like that of my nephew, because I’m trying not to terrify myself that my own baby might die like that. I just. I am so sad, and so heartbroken for them, and I’m so scared, knowing that literally anything can happen in those early hours of life, and I just… I feel bad that it’s turning into this fear for my own pregnancy when my friend is heartbroken and grieving. It’s so complicated. It’s so fucking sad. It’s so fucking unfair.
Oh my god, your poor friend. That is so awful and it is so easy to see why it frightens you.
I think this is one of those situations where the Ring Theory is really applicable–like, don’t bitch about your fear to your friend or her family, but it’s totally OK to discuss your fear with your loved ones and friends (or the Toast!)–because you’re working out, not working in.
Put some good energy into the world–send them food, send them a cleaning service, send them something you think they would appreciate–and try to focus on the positive things about your own pregnancy, if you can.
I love the ring theory. I would never in a million years even HINT at that fear to my friend. I like your idea, though, to send them a cleaning service or some food. I will definitely do that.
Thanks for your kind words!
Ugh, I’m so sad to hear about your friend’s tragedy. My heart is breaking for her. I can understand why you’d be feeling really scared about your own pregnancy, but hopefully as time goes on you will gain a different perspective. A realistic one, of course, in that things can go wrong and things can go right, but… a healthy one nonetheless.
Noooooooo, your poor friend. That’s so, so, so horrible.
Oh your poor poor friend.
Of COURSE it makes you afraid for yourself. It makes ME afraid for MYSELF. That’s normal and human, and it sounds like you are being good to your friend in this terrible time, and you are also allowed to be affected by this tragedy yourself, just not at your friend or her family.
Oh, that is beyond horrible. My mother lost two of her babies to unexpected congenital defects within days of their births, and I can tell you that it’s not something that ever goes away. My mom is a mentally healthy and well-adjusted person by some miracle, but those girls are still with her three decades later, you know? I would just advise that, whatever you do for your friend, don’t ever hesitate to talk about her babies with her. She’s thinking of them, always, and the worst things my mom heard were in the vein of trying to brush it under the rug.
You’d have to be made of stone to not think of your own pregnancy at this time, so don’t feel bad about that. It’s really, really hard to drown out all the possible bad things that can happen, no matter how rare they are. Keep trying to keep those healthy babies in mind, talk about your anxieties like aravis said and bring it up to your doctor if you’re perseverating. I had a lot of anxieties during my first pregnancy due to the genetic component of the defect that killed my sisters, and simply speaking them out loud helped a lot, especially when medical professionals reacted in shock over how rare that situation was.
That is so terrible. I am so sorry.
I am so sorry for your friend’s losses! And I totally understand why you would be worrying! I (mistakenly, mostly thanks to doctors or a lack thereof) spent most of my pregnancy thinking I was high-risk and expecting various terrible outcomes. During that whole process, I had to hide all pregnancy and birth announcements in my Facebook news feed, because reading them was making me feel worse. I’m doing the same now because of some stress surrounding my lack of a postpartum period seventeen months on, just when I want to be spawning again (it’s getting sorted out and is apparently not serious, knock on wood). I want to be there for the people I love, but I need to take care of me and keep myself in a baseline OK frame of mind. Like other people said, the ring theory definitely applies, but don’t feel bad about doing whatever you need to do to take care of yourself and keep yourself from stressing out.
Half-marathon training update: Still going very well! Had a rough two weeks because of consecutive weekends of travel, and I actually did have to miss a 2 mile run. However, I picked up where I left off and am still cruising. Bumped up from 3 minutes running/1 minute walking to 5/1 intervals, and still feel great! The only problem is I’m running on a treadmill (too nervous about icy/dark outside running) and it will only really let me do 60 minutes at a time. My 6 mile run this weekend will definitely take longer than that. So we’ll see what the answer is.
ALSO: Big thanks to houblonchouffe for the advice on fuel/snacks for longer runs. So far 5 miles was the longest, but I am 100% certain it did help. I went with apple slices rather than Gu or orange slices, but it was super helpful.
Wedding planning: Lots of progress! We have a caterer! We’re picking a DJ today! We sent out Save-the-Date cards! People have started to RSVP! I bought suits for all of my groomsmen! Other exclamatory statements! It has been very stressful, and ever so much more for my fiancee, but it feels good to be making progress.
Other crap: Feeling pretty bad about my work performance lately. Was 10 minutes late for work/an early meeting this week, and was saved only by the fact that the people we were meeting with were 15 minutes late. But I’m going to do my best to recommit myself and get back on track. I like my organization, I like what I do, and I want to be good at it and contribute. So here we go.
So I was outside a bar in an annoyingly fancy part of SF (after a career schmoozing holiday party thing) and there’s this dude near me so I go, “the calm before the storm eh?” and he takes that as an opening to tell me that he was trying to hit on this “chick” just inside the bar but that she was sitting by herself in the corner for so long that he decided to tell her that she’s pathetic and then she has the nerve to try and get him kicked out? <– Paraphrasing his shitty words. I tell him that it sounds like you were being a real asshole and that maybe he should think about the way he treats women and change that. And he goes, what like “be a nice guy”??! and I start to TELL him that it’s not about being “a nice guy” but respectful and yeah, sure, nice… and that’s when this young woman walks up to him crying and berates him inches from my face, she calls him a middle aged balding asshole, who does he think he is calling her pathetic…some other stuff. She storms off, he looks at me wanting some man-sympathy and I scoff in his face and call him a fucking piece of shit and then go chase her down. She thought I was his bud but I say hell no and that I just wanted to say sorry and to not let his toxic bullshit get to her. She says she was already having a bad night and I say sorry, forget that guy, I give her a half hug and say “It gets better” not knowing what else to say, which is cliche and cheesy but it was just so sad. I wish I could’ve done more to make that guy realize how wrong he was or helped her more. I wanted to punch him in the throat so bad.
I am PROUD of you for standing up to that asshole! It doesn’t really matter what you said to the girl, just that you caught up with her and extended some sympathy. Keep being awesome! Annnnnnnd I hope the Man in Question goes on a trip to the Amazon and one of those creepy tiny fish swims up his penis and sets up camp in there, possibly by itself in the corner.
By itself in the corner. You are a delight.
Thanks for saying something to them both. This kind of thing just makes me scratch my head and wonder what on earth he was thinking. He was thinking about hitting on her so he must have thought she was at least a little attractive, but instead he decides to lead with telling her she’s pathetic. I just…what?
Seriously. I know that teenage boys and young immature men are prone to reacting to rejection with bitter insults but this dude was 40+ and still hasn’t learned. Just a horrible man-child for life.
No one will read this b/c it’s on the 3rd page or more, but you are WRONG Mallory. WRONG WRONG WRONG breakfast sandwiches belong on English muffins. Biscuits are nasty little pucks of flour that manage to be both crumbly and glue-y and smell disgustingly of biscuit-chemical, which is the one artificial flavor scientists have not mastered. Well, one of the two. There is banana. But anyway biscuits must die.
Unless you’re talking about real, homemade biscuits, which should be eaten with homemade jam as a side to your delicious ham egg and cheese on English muffin.
Don’t listen to these lies Mallory. If AmazingSandwich had ever had the delight of a Mama’s Royal Cafe biscuit breakfast sandwich, their script would get flipped.
Yes, yes, yes! AmazingSandwich is clearly the expert here, people. I am going to assume Mallory is just trying to horrify us, as she did with Tea, in order to test our courage.
AAAHH I’m late! Well, hopefully someone can answer my question. How do you know when a date is a date versus just two people having dinner?
Backstory: person I’ve known for a bit, but only run into in person a few times, asked me to coffee/adult beverage via FB. Sounds good. In scheduling said drink, they suggested dinner instead. Which, really, just makes sense since it would be dinnertime. As far as I know this person is in a relationship (thanks, Facebook profile), and I am as well.
But… I dunno, do people just ask other people to get together, for dinner? My normal method of making friends takes at least 2 years of running into people at events, so this is foreign territory. Did I just miss a memo on adulthood?
I kind of feel like you don’t know until you’re there? I’ve definitely asked some friend-crush people out to dinner and drinks and it was fine!
Hmmm. When I was reading this at first I was like ‘oh of course it’s a date’ but then I got to the point where you’re both in relationships. I don’t think it’s so odd to get together for dinner with someone as friends– I have done it, but only with women who I knew also identified as straight so there was no ambiguity (and I kind of avoided doing it with someone who I think may be queer and has maaaybe been a little flirty because I didn’t want it to be misinterpreted but didn’t want to be like “Let’s get a drink! BTW apropos of nothing I am straight”). So I think you shouldn’t worry too much but throw in a couple mentions of your partner just in case there has been a miscommunication. They’re probably just assuming it’s clearly not a date because you’re both taken.
It could easily be either, I have friends who would think nothing of inviting someone to dinner just to chat but I’ve also realized halfway though a meal that it’s a date. Or they might want to ask you a favor, or or or… I think you just go into it with the expectation that it’s only dinner and behave accordingly, if they aren’t a giant asshole they’ll take the hint.
“How is your girl/boyfriend?” If you’ve met that person.
“What’s your girl/boyfriend’s name?” If you haven’t.
If they say there is no girl/boyfriend, “So this is a date, then?”
Yeah, it can be awkward. Adulting is not for pansies.
See, this is why I go for the “make friends/find people to date slowly” approach, by skittering up to people at parties and events and then dashing away after a few bon mots. I figure that over the course of several months, they can’t successfully hide something as big as a significant other, and also you can just ask all the people standing around them for details once they go to the bathroom.
I failed Advanced Adulting, clearly.
i do, but more often with people I’ve known for years and know well. Is your relationship status visible on FB, are you reasonably sure they know about it? If so I’d just go and assume it’s a friendly thing, if not I’d probably make a bit of a point of bringing it up soonish so you can make sure it’s out there.
If I was in this situation, I’d say something like, “Awesome, see you then! Looking forward to hanging out. I love making new friends.” which gives a pretty clear non-date vibe.
We are gonna do another in the spring methinks! And FYI for Toasties who love ladies, there was also a Clambake (which I did not attend but apparently it was pandemonium of the best kind).
ETA: reply to paddlepickle
YOU ARE RIGHT ABOUT BREAKFAST SANDWICH BREADS THANK YOU.
That is all.
Sadly, I think he had a vision in his mind of her skipping arouns in qipaos everyday, hand-feeding him dim sum. You know, your garden variety orientalist nonsense.
With intellectually weak people like Steve it’s never ‘I want a partner with these qualities’, it’s ‘I want a partner from this specific geographic region, because it is my understanding that they ALL have these qualities’.
So, yeah.
I think it was quite telling that his outlook was much more “I want a Chinese woman!” rather than “I want a woman with these qualities who may be specifically associated with this region” even though as we’ve established, women are people and are different. Everything about this pisses me off and the number of internet commenters who are like “Well I am an old white man married to a young Asian woman and OURS IS DIFFERENT because SHE wears the pants” and just ugh. Ugh.
Seattle Toasties! I made a facebook group! Now we can coordinate meetups! https://www.facebook.com/groups/1389843721308618/
I might actually join Facebook to join this. Is that weird?
I promise not to tell anyone else you’re there.
Is Twitter better? I don’t really get Twitter but I can suck it up if that’s where everyone already is.
Yay I’m sending a request right now!
Yay!
I don’t leave in Seattle yet but I plan to move there around Feb/March *crosses fingers* so is it still OK if I join as preparation for meeting all you awesome people?
Of course!
ETA: I see that you already joined! Yay 🙂
Her clothes! I find myself staring at items in stores now thinking, “Would Miss Fischer wear it?” LBR I could not afford her wardrobe but A WOMAN CAN DREAM (of jewel tones and great coats)
Finals week!!! (I’m in a fiction writing program.) I work full time, and it takes me a while to psych myself up to productive writing, so there were a lot of late nights this past while. Towards the end, I was producing sentences like this:
She was walking to the door, not so much melting into the crowd as being melted around by the crowd. As though the crowd had the melting point of lead, let’s say, and she was a hot knife taking a day off from butter to try out the base metals.
Literal lol.
I’m going to New Zealand next week! Any tips or general advice? I’m so excited!
Whoa I’m going to New Zealand next week too!
Two toasters on a trip to New Zealand: All the more reason to slip in Toast references (“this scenery — so beautiful! and, dare I say, vaguely misandrist in the way only a truly great fjord can be”) when conversing with other travelers! If I run into you, I’m sure it will make for a lovely story for the both of us.
Safe travels fellow toaster! I head out tomorrow evening. I’ll be on the north island, in Gisborne.
It is fabulous! North or South island?
Yay, that is what I like to hear. A little bit of both! Starting out with the south, then ending at north. I am a big LOTR fan (go figure) and I cannot wait to see all of the beautiful scenery, meet Kiwis, and reminisce about one of my favorite books.
We thought we’d go to lots of LOTR sites but realized EVERYWHERE looks like a LOTR site! We did go bungee jumping outside of Queenstown, which was amazing. I loved it there and would go back in a second.
NZ is pretty awesome! If you haven’t already planned, I would seriously recommend renting a campervan. On my vacation I thought I could just bus it, but hahahahahaha no. Hitchhiking is pretty easy but can be time-consuming. Have fun! Drink lots of Speights cider!
Thank you! I think we’re renting a car so no campervan, but I can quite determinedly make a commitment to Speights cider!
Hey, wait, so the Bartender disappears the same time Nicole does? Hmmm…
HHHMMMMMMM……….
Toast conspiracies??? TOASTPIRACIES???
lol Toast piracies
The bartender recently posted an interior photo of a refrigerator so shockingly clean there could only be three possibilities:
1. It was a brand-new never-used refrigerator
2. The bartender is Jolie Kerr
3. The bartender is in the throes of a serious nesting impulse
I had a theory along these lines, until it was shattered by the soup that Nicole wasn’t having for dinner. But perhaps that was a red herring?
FALSE FLAG. THE CONSPIRACY IS REAL.
Yes that is the one that upended my theory as well. And now I want that soup all over again.
I hope this is far enough down in the comments that none of my irl friends see it, but OH WELL.
I am just SO TIRED of my job for no particular reason. I think I’m just really just tired of working? I’m incredibly lucky in many ways to have the job I have, but my husband is in law school and we have a four year old and a baby on the way, and our house is constantly a disaster and our life is about two steps from falling apart, because both of us are too tired and/ or lazy to take care of things properly. I don’t really want to be a housewife, but I also don’t want to work a second shift at home, and I can’t help fantasizing about actually having time to keep things clean and repaired, plus have time to exercise and maybe read a book every once in a while, and not be irritated with my family all the time because I’m overworked.
But even once my husband gets a job we’ll probably never be able to afford for me to stop working, since student loans and also he’s the public interest kind of lawyer, not the kind that makes a lot of money. Also feminism, and it seems really short-sighted to quit working. Not that I even can. Gah.
I feel this– and I have a great job at a great nonprofit working with great people, AND I don’t have babies. It just sucks that 40 hours of our lives end up getting spent on things we don’t actually want to do. And honestly, I think that expectation is bullshit– for most of us with office jobs, if we never messed around on FB or the Toast we could probably all be working 25 hours a week.
I hear you. I’d suggest looking up rates for cleaning services in your area, especially as you both have to keep working long-term. It may really be worth it, especially to give you some peace of mind and that super-help de-stress time where you get to read and exercise!
Find out the rates you’re most able to afford, or figure out how much you’d have to budget to make it possible. Good luck!
Dude, I AM a public interest lawyer and I fantasize regularly about staying home. That is unlikely to happen for financial reasons and because I am not suited to a life of working in the home – and yet I feel guilty that I am pondering it in in my own head/on the Toast for all of the reasons you mention. But the misery of working full-time at a tough job plus working second shift at childcare and housekeeping is the reason I hesitate to commit to having kids. I will add that my friends who were married in law school have found life MUCH better for both partners once that misery ends. It really is the absolute worst, and the fact that you are breadwinning and kid-wrangling your way through it means you are a superstar.
I feel it too. I have what should theoretically be my dream job but damned if I’m not just tired of being tired and feeling like I’ll never make it to the bottom third of my to-do list. Last week I dreamed that I took a nap. Yes while asleep I dreamed that I was sleeping. Incept THAT.
I could totally quit working. On bad weeks I fantasize about it.
I feel these feels, lady. You sound like you could use a week, by yourself, in a cabin in the woods with no one pestering you.
My Husband is wonderful, and does help with house stuffs, but he has to be asked or reminded–he just doesn’t *see* it when the house is dirty, or his laundry has been sitting in the basket, waiting to be folded for two weeks. His mom told me that her biggest regret was not making him and his sisters help out around the house, and that certainly shows.
(My mother wouldn’t let me walk out the door in the morning unless my bed was made and my breakfast dishes were washed–she’s also clinically OCD, which is another sack of cats, but at least when I dust, I lift the goddamned objects off the flat surface instead of dabbing around them.)
I’m also annoyed and *feh* about my job–which is fantastic, schedule-wise, and allows me ample time for grad school, but I’m so BORED, and my boss is turning into a micromanaging harridan, and I don’t know how to talk to her about it, because we only have four people in the office, one of whom is her–there is no HR to go to, and I don’t know how to tell her that her management style is not only stifling, but is actively causing two of her employees to look for other work, and that I’m starting to consider it.
I just.
UGH.
Seriously, I get six months into any job, and then everything goes straight to hell.
I’m tired of this shit.
Toasts. 5 people are leaving my office at the end of this year. As leaving gifts, 4 of them got aprons printed with a cute little office in-joke. One of them got a set of whiskey glasses. Guess which of these people are womenpersons and which one is a manperson?
Nooooooo. If I was the recipient of that gift I would douse it in whiskey and set it on fire.
That would be a waste of perfectly good whiskey. I would just vaporize it with the laser beams that would inevitably be shooting out of my eyes.
Good point, I revise my statement: I would chug whiskey from the bottle while setting the apron on fire, and shouting WELL I DON’T HAVE ANY WHISKEY GLASSES SO HOW ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DRINK IT?
Yes, that is the correct answer.
Luckily after this painful leaving ‘party’ I had three different departments’ Christmas parties to crash, so I had an excellent excuse to drown my rage in mediocre whiskey. Now I’m channelling said rage into organising some kind of obnoxious feminist event which I haven’t quite defined yet. Suggestions welcome, especially from women in academia who have been dealing with this nonsense a lot longer than I have.
Whoever picked out the gifts should get, as a holiday present, the gift that does not “correspond” with their gender identity. From as many people as possible. Unsigned–just put it on their desk.
(I mean, I guess you should pick gender-neutral aprons if it was A Dude, and relatively plain highball glasses for A Lady, just so they don’t complain that you’re making fun of their gender identity and getting all litigious in the way people overly wedded to gender roles get whenever you make fun of them for it. I am making the perhaps unwarranted assumption that the gift chooser is cisgender and gender-conformist, though.)
My week has been awful but my husband has today and the next three weeks off and I was feeling lousy about it, and he just stopped by my office to bring me chocolates for no reason.
Guys, I love him, and even though we squabble and argue, I still feel so lucky to be together. Everyone stop by my desk and help me eat these.
So, I am staying home with our now almost-9-month old. In some ways it is not ideal: we moved to a new area, and I feel pretty isolated some days, and while nothing about parenting is difficult, per se, it’s definitely an endurance event. But the truth is, I am so, so lucky to be staying home. The baby has slept one 7-hour stretch EVER (two weeks ago, the day is engraved in gold in my heart), but mostly still wakes very 3 hours all night, sometimes with long periods trying to get back to sleep. My husband just started as a resident physician, so he’s working crazy and unpredictable hours. I cannot imagine doing this and working at the same time. I just can’t. Maybe when my son is about to turn the corner and start sleeping more predictably, but most likely I will not be seeking employment until after my husband has more reasonable hours; and at that point, the financial incentive is way, way down. That said, we’re in the Midwest, and a resident salary ($50k-ish) is more than generous enough to support three in every comfort.
That sounds hard! I hope sleeping gets better, and that you have some time and energy to figure out how to un-isolate yourself (if that’s a thing you want).
I know practically nobody will read this at this point, but: I am going to devote a chunk of my weekend to writing Christmas cards for RL friends and Toast-Post pals. If any of you would like to get in on this sweet Christmas card action – or want a postcard from my upcoming trip to Switzerland (leaving next Friday!) – send me your deets at arbors.and.ardors [at] gmail!
Ooh yay! I am emailing you! I am also doing my Christmas cards this weekend.
I’m going to Switzerland next week too! See you at the Christmas Markets for Gluhwein and Lebkuchen! That is pretty much all I know about Switzerland so far. Have a great trip!
Late late late as always! So I am a holiday spirit person- to the extent that I begin listening to christmas music a month early- and live thousands of miles away from my family. Since this year mr.imogen and I are hibernating cozily together, I am a little bit homesick, and reminiscing about last year when I went back for the holiday and my dad had gotten a tree as a surprise, so it was ready and waiting for us to decorate together the day I flew in (he and my bro are not festive types, so this was all for my benefit and super sweet). DADS.
It ended up having a rubber t-rex head/torso as a tree topper, with a cigarette clasped in the little t-rex arm, so even my brother got in on the spirit.
I am so bummed, you guys. One of my good friends was going to come down and stay with me for a week around New Year’s but I think I’m going to have to tell her not to come, because I’m really totally failing at recuperating from Thanksgiving festivities (too many people, all in my apartment) and the Christmas/New Year’s overload is going to be even worse, and if she does come stay I’m going to be useless (and probably seriously depressed) basically until February but if I do tell her not to she’s going to be really sad. 🙁
…on the other hand, just got an email from my boss’s boss about potential upcoming “lateral and upward movements of some employees as a result of organizational restructuring” so now I guess I just try hard not to get excited about anything until next week when I find out what that means. Today is so conflicting.
More expensive makes sense, though I will miss the days of airily switching professions by writing a snooty letter. May your acquaintance with Revolutionaries and Hell be fruitful!
I like being an Author! I am always drowning in wine, and people ask me to be at their salons, which is nice.
Extending my love to the Queens Toasties for recommending some amazing places to eat, even if I did not get to try any of them because my time got first pushed forward from midnight to 9pm, then pushed back to 3am and I tried as much as I could to sleep, but at least I ordered some delicious Thai to the hotel from Spice.
I ended up working fifteen hours on Tuesday and I’m still dead. argh.
Urrrghhhhh. So sorry. How was the weather for you?
Oh god, it was a NIGHTMARE. Nor’easter rains combined with sampling an open sewer (FULL TYVEK??? We were not warned!) did not make for a happy Elyse, but at least we were in a van.
Gah. I’ve thankfully never had to sample in an actual sewer so you should definitely go get yourself a massage or something after that good god.
I am looking into massage places around here as we speak, because I fuckin’ deserve it after this week. I am so exhausted that I left my date early tonight because I was about to fall asleep at the table.
I’ve had projects where I would skip dinner to go to bed so I feel ya.
I am aware that this isn’t really the community for discussing professional wrestling, but if you appreciate totally sweet body paint and fine man abs, please join me in gushing over HOW FREAKING COOL THIS GUY IS:
http://www.wwe.com/shows/wwenxt/nxt-takeover-r-ev…
I swore I would jump in if there were less than a thousand comments, so OKAY, copy/pasting the meat of it from the Toast Points post that I totally mistook as the open thread:
My news is that I’m going to my FIRST PROTEST tomorrow, against police brutality. I don’t know if I have an appropriate T-shirt. I’m excited and a little nervous, though I’m sure it’ll be anti-climactic (although there was a similar protest a week or two ago, through the same place (Houston Galleria), and a lot of stores closed down. Like high-strung, extremely nervous and expensive horses.
It’s funny because I’ve always been the play-it-safe type, so my first thought was “what if someone gets out of control and everyone, including me, gets arrested” but then I squashed those craven thoughts. This is really worth marching for, after all, and that’s what matters. (Though it will be interesting telling my mom about it later, since my step-father used to be a cop — from North Carolina — and his remarks on race make me really sad, even though I’ve also heard him complain about Houston’s trigger-happy cops.)
You are clearly the best, and that is the lamest White Elephant ever. EVER.
Surprise ToastPost! I got a cute little penguin card from lyingcat! Whose username I may or may not have been effusive over already! I’m not caught up on Saga but I plan to spend the Christmas days off reading comics alllll day. And I <3 Lying Cat.
Thank you lyingcat!!
NYC Toastrons, are any of you planning to go to the Millions March tomorrow afternoon? I’m planning to be there a little before 2.
In other news, I went to another drag king workshop last weekend! And a friend’s party, and the Metropolitan Opera, and a librarians’ bar night. And this week and next are End-of-Semester Work Party Weeks, so I’ve been feeling unusually social-butterflyish.
hi everyone! So, I received a weird facebook message that made me feel gross today, and I would appreciate some advice in crafting a response to it…help?
backstory: this guy and I went to college together, then both ended up living in Chicago a few years later. We hung out some, but mostly in groups. I went through a breakup, he expressed interest in wanting to date me, I was like “I’ve been single for 5 mins I need to do me right now” and he seemed cool with it. Fast forward a few years, I don’t live in Chicago anymore, we are almost never in touch. He texted me a few months ago for my birthday, and then today we had this exchange:
him:
Are you flying home [note:home is Mpls, 8 hours drive from Chicago] for the new year? Want to celebrate at [bar in my old neighborhood]?! I picked up a ticket along with two friends
[then there is a link to the event page]
me:
Ahhh that looks so fun, but I’ll be in Mpls! Flying back out on the 2nd so I don’t think there’s time to do Chicago. thanks for thinking of me though! How’s life back in the midwest?
him:
I’m asking you to be my date. You’re turning down a date?
Consider modifying your plan so we can have a single day of face time, or suggest an alternative.
Why maintain a long distance friendship if we never see each other?
UGH. Am I totally off-base to be completely annoyed and grossed out by this last message? He’s like…totally unable to believe that I would turn down a date with him (which was not even clearly presented as a date?) and demanding that I suggest an alternative. I have a lot of long distance friends who I care a lot more about (and interact with more) than him, and they don’t seem to have any kind of problem with the arrangement or demand that I dedicate time and money to seeing them. I don’t know if it’s worth the effort to even respond at all, honestly. Would love some advice here. Thank you toasties!
You’re not wrong. It’s weird and possessive-y and demand-y. You can reply, or not, based on your energy levels and interest in engaging with him. I bet he’s not going to let it go though, if you do reply.
thank you for responding! I’m trying to figure out if I will feel better if I reply, or if it will just make me angrier. I bet you’re right, too, he won’t let this go if I do engage with him. guuhhh
consider modifying his face w/ yr foot tbh
by which I mean, that scolding and condescending last message is waaaay out of line. Honestly, because I am soft and weak I probably would have given him the benefit of the doubt if he’d finished after asking about a date, since that could conceivably be a friendly tease that fell wildly flat, but that “consider modifying your plan” bit — yeah, no.
lollll yes
Happy for the support in my feeling gross about this. I’m really “nice” and often give people the benefit of the doubt too, and I wonder like what the hell did I do to give him the impression that I’d be at all interested in a date/he can talk to me like this. Him telling me to modify my plan is actually him telling me spend 2 days in the car or hundreds of dollars on a flight to see him. So absurd what he seems to think he’s entitled to.
Yes, totally, the entitlement here is breathtaking. It makes me think he’s probably not someone you want to be around in general. Has he turned into an MRA since you’ve last seen him, or something?
Dude I have no idea. He’s always been a total hippie, so this feels totally out of left field!
I mean, I kind of want to say, “Why maintain a long distance friendship if we never see each other? Good question. Maybe we shouldn’t.” But as others have said, engaging him in an argument might just make him think you consider this worth arguing about, when in fact it’s not even worth the time he’s already made you spend on it, much less a 16-hour round trip.
Haha I would totally reply, “Yeah looks like I turned down a date, catch ya on the flipside asshole” buuuut this is why I don’t have any friends I think?
Thanks all for your support! I was really second-guessing myself on this, and I appreciate the backup here. Not going to respond for now…but if I do decide to, I’ll post it in next week’s open thread. I just know I’ll have to see him again eventually, but in that situation the boot-to-face option becomes both desirable AND doable!
I would not engage further. Good grief.
Your WTF is well-in-place and so’s the Toastie advice. Chiming in to recommend reading “The Gift of Fear.”
People who discount boundaries, of all types, are sending a message that should be heeded. Be well.
No, that’s horrid. Wants you to change your flight to spend NYE together, which by the way is a fairly high-stakes first date even if presented as such — then demands *you* suggest an alternative, after you decline? Why on earth would you do either of those things?! That’s a very aggressive (yet opaque) asking-out strategy and does not bode well for future expectations regarding your behavior.
Pretty sure he doesn’t understand what “friendship” means or how it works.
Maybe, “Sorry to disappoint. I understand that it’s nice to connect with friends face to face, but true friendship doesn’t require that, nor does it make the other party feel bad for being unable to attend an event. It especially doesn’t try to guilt another person into accepting a date that may or may not be welcome. Hope you’re able to recall what it means to be ‘Midwest Nice’ again soon.”
I’M LATE, but I believe the appropriate response is, “You’re right, why.”
OR MAYBE “Uhhhh……………… no.”
No one will see this but I cannot keep it to myself: Hero.
THAT HAT
She should go in the canon of Toast Saints.
oh my god amazing
quintessential hero!
Do any of the other open thread stragglers have home pedicure ideas? In particular I’m not sure what to do about a foot soak, since I have no epsom salts and really don’t want to go out again. I have nearly everything else you can think of, though.
I have been wondering about a tea based foot soak. Like Maybe a peppermint? Too late for you maybe!
Hello Toasties! Longtime reader, first time commenter…mostly I just want to ask, do any of you ever feel like flipping a table when you sign up for something and discover that SOMEONE ALREADY HAS *YOUR* USERNAME? Maybe? Anyone?
Anyway, I guess I won’t be getting an intensedebate account anytime soon, because if I can’t be Kayjayoh I find myself a little lost. (I wonder if the other Kayjayoh is the one who took it on Pinterest and Youtube as well? Either that or I’m signing up for things and then forgetting I did so, but not using my normal email address to do it. Which seems unlikely.)
I want to hear more about:
1. The Long Distance
2. To the quick swoony heart eyes thing. that can be real right, and now just a sign of like, here be dramas?
I am there right now and it’s hella confusing and scary and great, man. We’re so new there’s no labels, but on the other hand, basically on “date” 2 we agreed to do long distance, and date 3 was us agreeing to be exclusive and figure things out in january, and I’m spending my week after christmas with him. I mean, we have known each other a long time, but I’m freaking myself out a bit with how ready I am to go anywhere for this based on so little. But that’s what “when you know, you know” means, right?
1 (The Long Distance): 1500 miles and one time zone, except for the couple of weeks he spent in Japan. That was a much more difficult time zone. I did seriously consider moving to his state toward the end of our first year long distance dating, but then I got a job that I still LOVE and ended up staying in Boston. We tried to visit every other month for at least a weekend — I usually went out for a couple extra days and worked remotely, but basically all my spare money went to plane tickets for a long, long time. That kind of sucked for a while, too. I was super broke for a couple years.
2 (the quick swoony heart eyes): when we met, we spent several days with each other basically 24/7 — it was like a crash course in intimacy, almost. We stayed up late just talking and cuddling and I was so, so comfortable with him, pretty much right away. When I went home, he kissed me at the airport (our first kiss), and I had NO IDEA whether that would be it, or if we’d manage to pick up whatever it was we were doing and actually grow it into a relationship. It was exciting and nerve-wracking and awesome. I was half in love with him before he came to visit me for the first time, and after that everything just seemed like it was falling into place. During long distance, it’s easy to not get tired or bored with someone, because you’re with them so infrequently, but even after we vacationed together and moved in together, being with him always just felt right. He’s a super chill person, which also helps — like, I have never really known people who I would describe as laid-back? But he is super laid-back.
We have had basically zero drama. I don’t even know.
Hey dude, it’s gonna be great.
Pro tip just in case, but it won’t probably happen. Lets say you do go to jail. Write the phone number of whoever you want to bail you out on your leg or arm with a sharpie. Or legal aid. In todays’ modern era, we often do not remember the cell numbers of our nearest and dearest, plus stress does funny things to your brain.
oh noooooo
I mean. Thank you for the tip, really. I just…my parents, which are my only family, are across the country (and, like I said, they don’t know I’m doing this, so that will be an especially awkward phone call). And I don’t know who in my city I’d feel more comfortable asking.
THIS IS NOT SOMETHING I HAD CONSIDERED AND IT IS A NEW STRESSFUL QUANDARY.
No, no, it’s ok. I’m a person who thinks if you think of the horrible outcome and prepare for it, then life will spite you by making it useless. Doesn’t have to be a friend, just do legal aid or some other lawyer then.
So this is super late, so nobody is going to read this, but I really feel like maybe if I can figure out how to accurately articulate what I’m going through, something will click and someone will have exactly the right answer and then life will be puppies and rainbows.
Basically, I’ve been suffering from depression and anxiety for the whole of my adult life. It has been left untreated, as I have never had health insurance for long enough to actually do anything about it. Previously, I’ve attempted Effexor, which I was on for a month before my insurance lapsed. I’ve also gone to one session with a therapist (which was basically just her introducing herself at me for an hour). I’ve gone through a free counseling program at a local college. When I first started, I found out some pretty horrible family stuff, so I was not at my baseline. Throughout the course of the program, I did regain my baseline, which my student therapist and his supervisor took to be massive improvement.
Besides my already established depression and anxiety, I have had just…just the shittiest year. Both of my parents died within months of each other. My fiance and I broke up for about three days, which was just long enough for us to have had to make separate living arrangements, because our landlord sprung it on us that they would not be renewing our month to month lease. I was in a relatively minor car accident, which nonetheless totalled the car I’ve had for almost a decade. My fiance and I lived with his two brothers and my best friend for three years, and that was the closest thing to experiencing a real family that I’ve ever had. Now I live alone.
I have zero motivation to do anything except that which absolutely has to get done (like go to work and shower) and watch a lot of tv. I have dishes in my sink from September. I have done basically nothing for school. I’m trying to work full time (because I have to) and go to school full time (because I have to) and it is not working out. I’m pretty sure that the highest grade I’m going to get this semester is a C-, while I failed the other classes.
While I’ve never actually made a serious attempt, thoughts of suicide are pretty constant. What’s particularly disheartening is how matter-of-fact they are somtimes. I’ll be walking down the hallway and in one second I’ll be thinking about what I might like to eat for dinner, and then with no linear process, the next thought will be about throwing myself off of the parking garage. Honestly, I feel like the only things that are stopping me from doing anything serious is that I know it would have to be something instantaneous or my last conscious moments will be of agonized panic, which I don’t want.
I finally have a good job, with benefits. I like the work, I like the people, and I feel like I have a real shot at being a real person, especially if I have a chance to see a doctor and get treatment. But, I get so paralyzed and anxious, and at the same time just numb, especially when I have to go do something. I also have fuzzy thinking a lot of the time, and get confused easily. This has led to me being late for work too many times already. If my boss had given the information to her supervisor, I’d already have been fired. So basically, I live in perpetual fear that I’m going to make a mistake punching in or out, which only ramps up my feelings of inadequacy and anxiety. On Friday, for example, I was closing, and sometimes when you close, the time you leave isn’t set in stone. I had told my ride that I’d be done at 7, and we ended up running until 7:20. I was so worried and anxious about making my boyfriend wait, that I am abut 87% sure I forgot to punch out. This could very well be the last straw. Tomorrow could very well be my last day. So my boyfriend and I are driving away, I realize I forgot to punch out, freak out, demand that he turn around in a hurry so I can try and punch out before someone notices, and a cop pulls him over for blowing a stop sign neither of us saw.
Then, the next day, as we’re trying to finish up some Christmas shopping, he gets a flat tire. We had already had to cancel our Christmas getaway weekend because my car is in the shop, and now his car is extremely limited in its usability.
I just feel like I’m constantly under a black cloud. Horrible things keep happening to me, and honestly, I don’t see that ever changing. I feel like horrible things will just keep happening, and I don’t understand why I should want to stick around for it.
So anyways, I’m probably going to lose my job tomorrow, meaning I’ll lose my benefits and any abiliity I might have had to work on my depression and anxiety which make it extremely difficult for me to keep a job, which provides benefits. It’s a catch-22.
There should be like, group homes for people with depression. I just want like, someone to come over and wash my dishes, and for like, a three month break from having to work lest I become homeless.
Life is really hard, you guyyyyyyys.
There is so, so much in your story that you are doing Right! Asking for help is what survivors do. It is extremely important you talk to a doctor now about the suicidal thoughts. Please call tonight, call now. Call 911 or go to a hospital ER. The right meds can do wonders. Once you are safe, get a physical to make sure there isn’t a hidden medical problem disguised as depression. Make the call now, dear.
I’m so sorry, honey.
That’s a whole pile of dreadful to deal with.
You haven’t lost your job yet, though–leave that trouble for if it happens.
Can you set a daily alarm on your phone to remind you to clock out? Or before you go to bed each night, mark what time you have to be at work and what time you have to clock out on your hand or some place noticeable?
I often set an alarm for waking up, and alarm for leaving for work, and alarm for five minutes after that, just to keep me from losing track of time.
This sucks right now, but it is not forever.
Please know that you are inherently worthwhile, and worth so much more than all this static is making you feel. *hug*
I’d come wash your dishes!
You should take Myrtle’s advice, and then in a few days when you’re ready and have time, go to your school’s counselling centre and the office for students with disabilities. Find a way to defer some of your school stuff or get some accommodations.
When my dad died I was basically useless as a human being, for at least two years. You might want to think about ways you can cut down on the full-time school (assuming the full-time work is non-negotiable) and lessen some of your responsibilities for a while.
I’m not sure why you say you have to go to school full-time (I’m going to guess it’s because it’s contingent on student loans or some other financial arrangement?) but there is absolutely no shame in taking a semester off or dropping out for a while, if it comes to that.
And I’ve found that financial aid offices are actually pretty free with the emergency cash drops (I got $2500 in my last semester for a couple of different reasons, which was amazing and a life-saver).
I’m with Myrtle. You’re doing many things right. And I second her advice to call 911 or go to an ER.
I’ve been there. I know those feelings. Lifelong struggles with clinical depression. And dishes in my sink from a year ago. It sucks. All of it. But it is survivable. You will be OK. It won’t always feel this bad.
Where are you? If you’re anywhere in Texas, I’ll find a way to wash your dishes. I mean that. And I can do it without making you interact with me unless/until you want to.
You are valuable and lovely as-is. Please get help.
If you are serious about this, there actually are group homes for people with depression. A family member just spent 60 days in an in-patient program for depression, and there’s a kind of halfway house you can transition to afterwards.His shrink referred him to it and it was covered by his ACA insurance plan. Just something to keep in mind.
I'm very late to this thread, but I second Eucerin – get the "light" formula without alcohol! I used to have awful winter skin on my hands in middle school, and that's what finally helped heal it. Also, does he know how to use lotion? This may sound like a dumb question, but does he know that he needs to put it on every time he washes his hands, and slather it on every night before going to sleep? It's a pain in the butt, and now I'm having the scaly hands again because I just went from having a rental with a dish washer in it to one without, and my skin is back to its old ways. I hate greasy lotion hands, but I need to get back to moisturizing them religiously or else they will crack and bleed and that would be so much worse.
If he's only using lotion when his hands get to their worst, he's doing it wrong. I'm doing it wrong for sure right now.