This almost makes up for the fact that I was never able to updog that guy.
Tags: emails, feminism, i think you should probably read more of the site, pretty good too
This almost makes up for the fact that I was never able to updog that guy.
Tags: emails, feminism, i think you should probably read more of the site, pretty good too
OH BRIAN
Bringing shame to Brians everywhere.
Suck My Damn Hand, other Brian!
I know a terrible Brian and I’m choosing to believe that this is him. Classic Brian move.
Mallory Ortberg – National Treasure
^International Treasure
it’s almost like you’re not a feminist, which is good
lol for days at that one, dude.
I am incredibly entertained.
Whhhuuuu? That dude doesn’t have the strongest reading comprehension skills.
That, or he flat out doesn’t know the definition of misandrist because you use that word a lot.
‘Yeah, I hate guys named Andre, too. The dicks’.
“I just wanted to have my say.” Bless your heart, of course you did.
Men Having Their Say
~*~a memoir~*~
MALE OPINIONS MUST BE HEARD
“I was very surprised to learn that you are a feminist because you have long hair, you are not shrieking in my face and your bra is not on fire.” – Brian
But for serious, hardcore feminists only wear bras that are currently on fire.
Can we start a sub-movement called Valkyrie feminism that’s giant hair, horns of male tears, and flaming brassieres?
kate beaton time: straw feminists
I don’t understand how you can be feminist AND funny! Isn’t that like an oxymoron or something?
You literally have to pass your cursor over the all-caps text “FEMINISM” to click on the “HUMOR” link at the top of this website. And when you DO click on the HUMOR link, the second post there literally has the word “feminism” in its title.
I’m sure these were just minor blips in his otherwise astounding reading comprehension abilities.
“But…but how can feminism be funny?”
Perhaps it is related to the cultural phenomenons of “fridge blindness” (an inability to see a sandwich in it’s component parts in a fridge) and “postalphobia” (the irrational rage that comes from the affront of standing on line for up to 10 minutes while waiting to claim a package at the post office). Afflicted men literally cannot see OR do things that are socially relegated to the ghetto of “laydee stuff” without suffering acute martyrdom (diagnostically indicated by wailing and gnashing of teeth).
MALE COMPLIMENTS, where they have to define what you do to their (factually inaccurate) satisfaction before admitting it’s good.
“it was good because you stayed inside this little box of acceptable behavior this one time”
You probably know that your use of internet capitalization is good, Mallory. Probably you know that. But in case you didn’t, here is a man–one of the Official Givers of Praise!–to tell you so. Fortunate day!
And yet, your reply indicates that you don’t appreciate the value of a man telling you things you already know??
Slightly unrelated, but I laughed when I saw Newsweek post their list of “These Famous Writers Tell Us The Worst Thing They Wrote All Year” and remembered how Mallory had responded to that particular query.
I wish they’d run the list of writers who responded a la Ortberg. She can’t have been the only one! I bet that’s a great list.
… I mean… she could have been the only one. Really.
I found the piece (http://www.newsweek.com/12-writers-confess-worst-thing-they-wrote-2014-296302) but no Mallory. Can you link us to what you mean? I want to see Mallory’s response!
Here you go: https://twitter.com/mallelis/status/5500848208447…
(Is it creepy/weird to dig up someone’s old tweets? This is where Twitter as a simultaneous public AND private medium starts to blur.)
No, it isn’t! Mallory makes lots of great jokes on Twitter (like this one) and it would be a crime if they were to be lost to oblivion just because of the medium.
Thanks!
Those poor naked straight white men, they are going to get frostbite on their dicks.
(The WORST place to get frostbite.)
That so reminds me of that Top Gear segment where they were “training” to go to the North Pole and watched the video on just this very thing. So cringy and maniacal-laughter-inducingly entertaining at the same time.
Worst place for a man, maybe. As a proud misandrist, I consider it the BEST place to get frostbite. 🙂
Well, and please believe I don’t meant to be pedantic, it’s only the best for a misandrist because it is, objectively, the worst.
Even if you were being pedantic, how could I fault such splendid logic? 🙂
Worst (or best) place for a cis man, that is. 😉
Oh, very good, very good, I did presume cisgendery in this case, that was my mistake. I feel like we should have a specific word for “straight white cis hetero male” because it gets too long to say otherwise.
hm
scwhm, shcwm, shmwc — huhm.
BLECH.
Acronym? No, it’s an onomatopoeia.
*giggles*
Privilegetron Ultra is my go-to.
You mean on their huge irony muscles.
Irony muscles! Ladies, check out those Sarcasm Glutes and those Satire Biceps.
I dunno. It’s easier to walk without a dick than it is to walk without toes.
To say nothing about opening a beer without fingers.
Yeah, but toes are way easier to replace.
I don’t see gender. People tell me I’m a woman, and I believe them.
I keep coming back to this post, and I laugh out loud at this comment every time I read it.
Yeah, that is funny.
Because they keep questioning my healthcare choices.
Awww, you’re pretty funny, EVEN for a feminist!
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA THE GREATEST PRAISE A WOMAN CAN RECEIVE IS TO BE TOLD HER WORK IS “NON-GENDERED” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA THE FUCKING GREATEST PRAISE IS TO BE TOLD THAT YOUR WORK READS AS IF IT COULD JUST AS EASILY HAVE BEEN WRITTEN BY A MAN HAHAHAHA THE GODDAMN GREATEST PRAISE IS THAT YOUR WRITING OVERCOMES/ERASES YOUR GENDER THE ABSOLUTE GREATEST PRAISE IN THE WORLD GREATER PRAISE HAS NO ONE THAN THIS FOREVER AND EVER AMEN
“It’s a compliment because feminists are humourless and you are full of humour! Wait, isn’t that how it works?”
No.
Aww, Brian, someday you’ll have huge irony muscles too.
THANK GOD A MAN HAS LET IT BE KNOWN HE APPROVES OF YOUR WORK, MALLORY! NOW YOU CAN FINALLY STOP BEING A FEMINIST!
Mallory is a pearl.
Remember back in the day on The Hairpin, when trolls occasionally showed up and the commentariat would poke fun at him until melis arrived on scene? Everyone would circle around (in addition to being appropriately witchy, this also served to keep him from escaping) while melis skewered the foolhardy man. Good times.
Mallory is more than a pearl … she’s the oyster spitting them out and laughing as divers risk life and limb to the shiny, luminous drops that used to irritate her so.
I stand corrected.
the user name DanielCS comes to mind.
Chris from Facebook or something, too, right?
ETA: Chris Roberts. He must have made an impression for me to still remember, 3ish yrs later.
Oh we got [email protected] SOOO GOOD!
Shhhhhhhhhh shhh he-who-should-not-be-named is still actively trolling the entire goddamned internet and has been known to appear when his name is spoken outloud.
Not that I wouldn’t love a good troll skewering, but still.
I am reminded of Evil Melis. And that was good.
Well, it was very kind of him to reassure Mallory that this was a ‘low importance’ e-mail. To think of the sprains and blisters her fingers might have sustained by getting back to him too quickly had he not given her this pertinent information.
His brain must cast a shadow over his eyes that makes it so hard for him to see people rolling theirs at him.
maybe this is the greatest praise of all(?)
The (?) is definitely the best part.
In some ways, maybe it is. In other ways, however, maybe it is not (?)
(?)= in the very unlikely instance that this is incorrect, please do not set me on fire.
Best/worst compliment I’ve ever received (from a man, of course): “[long spiel about how nice it’s been knowing/working with me] …and I feel like, if you were a man, we could be friends!”
That is incredibly sad, but not quite sad enough that it would suck the fun out of slapping him with a large fish.
Yeah. I once had a guy say, “I hate having women on a job site. They fuck everything up.”
To TWO women: myself, and my boss. We waited a moment for him to remove his foot from his mouth. He remained oblivious. So I went for it. “So, what, did I fucked everything up here?”
“What!? No! Why would you say that?” He said, around both his feet.
Slow blink. (The AMA approved method for exercising one’s enormous irony muscles.)
the flight of the conchords song “bret you’ve got it going on” was making me laugh this morning
“If one of us was a lady, and I was your man, if I was your man.
Well, sometimes it gets lonely, and I need a woman.
And then I imagine you with some bosoms. “
OMG I already loved this BEFORE I saw that the subject line is “feminism more like humorism”.
WHY, BRIAN? WHY?
no stop brian pls
I’m just thumbs-up-ing every comment and cackling. The Toast fills a hole in my life I hadn’t known was there! (Someone else was terrified in childhood by Ernie and Bert’s Ancient Egyptian doppelgangers! Old Indy from Young Indiana Jones reference! ONE FUCKING PLACE on the internet where Manfeels don’t come first!)
Do I want to know what an irony muscle is?
It’s definitely a dick.
Must be, because the gize haz em and they allow doze gize to evaluate the value of a woman with pin-point accuracy
I’m sure you will get many unsolicited photos of them now.
Dear Brian,
We don’t fucking care if you like it.
MALLORY THE PRAISE I AM GIVING YOU IS THE GREATEST PRAISE OF ALL
“The Greatest Praise of All” is my favorite Whitney Houston song.
Everything on this site is almost unbearably great. I am a man. This has been a low-importance comment.
*whispers* put your rein back in your mouth and let’s keep trudging over this frozen hill or all our toast rations will be withheld.
it’s the bit, darling, that goes in the mouth. *pats you on the head* carry on.
Ahhh “the bit of your bridle” would’ve been better. I was pondering those contraptions.
Everything’s a bit around here!
It is my hope that Brian treasures this post forever. May he print it out and all of the comments and frame it for posterity.
‘The greatest praise is that I, in my maleness (which is the same thing as objectiveness and rightness) don’t see the feminism in your work, because I have presumably only read about 5% of it’
Brian has read this and his only take-away was to email a friend to ask, “What’s “updog?””
Brian’s friend replied, “Ugh, is it 2002 over here?”
Edit: Wah waaaaaah. I know. sorrynotsorry
well done.
“Your writing is amusing, as if it were written by a human person with a quick wit, rather than by a feminist woman with feminist feminism. The greatest praise I can give your website is that you don’t remind me that you’re a woman so often that I’m unable to pretend you’re a person, instead. Good job writing like a person, Mallory.”
Perhaps Brian is a genderless being from another planet who is confused by feminism because of its insistence on a binary system (?)
I am laughing too uncontrollably to have anything intelligent to say. Fuck off, Brian.
Oh, come now Brian. Come sit with us group of comely witches, sit by the fire and drink a nice hot brew of…muahahaa when you awake you will be a feminist too! See, it’s catching, just like you feared! (?)
(Also, HOW has he avoided the word? Even if you click on the ‘HUMOR’ link, right next to ‘FEMINISM’ (ahem), there’s an article called “The Next Waves of Feminism”. Brian, Brian, Brian…)
I admire your response, Mallory. You managed to not explode with frustration at this dude, which seems like it would require a lot of self control.
I hope my email to you and the other editors did not strike you this way (eek).
Mallorious. Mallificent. Maleficent. The savior of Misandry is at it again.
HILARIOUS. Mallory please come to Europe, anywhere in Europe, and talk to us.
Mallory, your hair looks particularly majestic today, streaming in the wind as you ride your ice sledge pulled by naked straight white men!
Someone needed to say it.
Hey everyone I’m the original e-mail sender. Loving these comments so much!
When you say “an ice sledge pulled by naked straight white men,” are you including footwear? Because barefoot naked straight white men don’t develop a lot of traction. Not on ice, anyway.
A friend of mine once helpfully explained to someone else, after I linked my third Toast article of the day, “The Toast is like Canada’s version of The Onion, but not as good.” So I had to set him straight on all three counts. I think some people are getting a very selective view of the site through their friends’ social media shares.
I just want to pat Brian on the head SO many times.
A friend of mine once helpfully explained to someone else, after I linked my third Toast article of the day, "The Toast is like Canada's version of The Onion, but not as good." So I had to set him straight on all three counts. I think some people are getting a very selective view of the site through their friends' social media shares.
I just want to pat Brian on the head SO many times.
… I mean… she could have been the only one. Really.
I have just stumbled across Mallory’s writing and find it fantastically hilarious in an unqualified manner. This shit is awesome.
Sincerely,
fully clothed straight white man
I don’t think he’s being unconsciously condescending. “The greatest praise” just means the humor articles are no less brilliant for being universal. It is praise of Martin Luther King to say he is not only a black hero, I suppose that’s what he means by “in some ways”, and it’s natural to be surprised that a writer who speaks to you is addressing another audience, whether Marxists, atheists, artists, or feminists.
I don’t think you’re being consciously ironic. Your comment is no less brilliant for being accidental.
Thank you. I was wondering what was there to surprise him; feminism may be particularly surprising because the separatist attitude is in contrast with the humor which is meaningful for everyone. I hope this comment is ironic too.
I don't think you're being consciously ironic. Your comment is no less brilliant for being accidental.