Cost Per Use: A Disturbing Calculation -The Toast

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cpu_bananaslugsPilot G-Tec pen, $3.95, Officemax. CPU: $.19 per overwrought diary entry.


Garlic press, $10.00, Ikea. CPU: $2.50 per clove. (Lost part of it after one use.)


UC Santa Cruz Banana Slugs T-shirt, $15.00, UC Santa Cruz Bookstore. CPU: $7.50 per wear. Funnier in theory.


No Run! tights, $18.00. CPU: $18 per wear. Got a run.


Cream bejeweled turban from Brooklyn Flea, $20.00. CPU: $.005 per stare in the mirror. $2 per reassuring thought that am kind of lady who can pull off a turban. Someday.


Vapour Organic Beauty mesmerize eyeliner in truffle, $22.00. CPU: $4.50 per eye. Got pinkeye after second use.


Vintage overalls, $25.00, General 54. CPU: $1 per compliment from cute redhead in Swedish clogs. -$1 per man repelled.


Copy of Capital in the 21st Century, $26.00. CPU: $.076 per impressed sidelong glance at coffee table from guests.


Boyfriend Sweater, trendy Argentinian clothing shop in Palermo, $29 Argentinian Dollars. CPU: $0. (Stole from boyfriend. Now husband.)


CPU_jumpsuitVintage romper, $30.00, Print Fine Vintage. CPU: $.25 per date night. (Would be even lower but husband says he will put in Vitamix if worn one more time.)


Nautical-themed maternity swimsuit, Etsy, $35.00. CPU: $17.50 per trimester, or 8.75 considering swimming for two. .00009 per underwater chuckle at irony of having swimsuit covered in tiny anchors when body feels like massive buoy.


Vitamix, $540. CPU: $.87 per kale smoothie. (Would have been more but motor destroyed by blended romper.)


Vintage gold wedding dress, $800, Refinery. CPU: $800 per wear. $20 per intention to wear to Chipotle “just for a laugh.”


BLVD Interiors Grey Sectional found on Craigslist, $1200. CPU: $1 per bum cheek. .07 per baby barf. $2 per misguided effort to read Capital in the 21st Century after 8 PM and subsequent catnap.


Ford C-Max Hybrid, $32,000. CPU: $1,000.03 per unsolicited smug exposition on merits of electric mode to neighbors.


Three copies of Overwhelmed: Work, Love and Play When No One Has the Time, $0 (Gifted this book by various concerned parties). CPU:27 million units of guilt per fretful, procrastinatory glance.


Introductory restorative yoga 10-class card, $200, Union Yoga. CPU: $200 per class.


Plot in synagogue cemetery, $1,000 (included in cost of annual dues). CPU: $100 per pseudo-spiritual moment of contemplation of own mortality while listening to Rabbi’s thoughtful sermon and making mental Costco list.

Pouf, $40, Target. CPU: .000008 per resting of mismatched, socked feet. .0005 per toddler jump. .0000001 per satisfied utterance of the word pouf.


Sarah Lazarovic is a writer and artist based in Toronto. Her <a href=""book, A Bunch of Pretty Things I Did Not Buy, is just out.

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