My boyfriend, Danny, and I were dancing at a bar in downtown Boston on a recent Saturday night — my hands on his waist, his draped over my shoulders — when I noticed a woman, a 20-something brunette, approaching us. Judging by the giddy look on her face, I knew what was coming.
“I just wanted to say that you guys are so cute,” she shouted over the loud music, out of breath after pushing her way through a sea of straight couples to reach us.
She placed her hand on Danny’s shoulder and grinned. I wasn’t sure if this was part of the act, or if she actually needed to steady herself. She was tipsy and struggling to walk in her black stilettos. We thanked her for the compliment and smiled awkwardly until she scurried back to her friends, looking pleased with herself, as if she had fulfilled her good deed for the month. Her group of seven was a rowdy bachelorette party, decked out in cocktail dresses, feather boas, and tiaras.
I had just finished telling a friend beside me about our newest fan when I noticed she had already returned and was leaning in to Danny’s ear. He looked wildly uncomfortable. “My friend is getting married and we’re having a bachelorette party,” she said, pointing across the dance floor. “Would you guys sandwich the bride?”
I checked to see if there was a neon sign above our heads flashing: LIVE GAYS. There wasn’t. When I turned back, Danny was politely declining the offer, explaining that we didn’t want to lose our friends in the crowd. Again, she scurried back to her own group, this time as the bearer of bad news.
“Guys, they said no,” I imagine she told them, prompting a harmony of disappointed awwws. Worse, I imagine the conversation that led to her request went something like: “Guys, I just met the cutest gay couple over there.” (She most likely said “met” — even though, in reality, she didn’t even introduce herself — because, for some people, knowing a gay couple is a little bit like knowing royalty.) “I have the best idea: I bet they would grind on our bride. They love that kind of thing! I’ll go ask!”
Situations like this arise nearly everywhere — on the street, on public transportation, at parties — so I shouldn’t have been surprised when it occurred there, at a bar that, according to Google, is ranked one of the top 25 “douchiest” in Boston. That’s no easy feat in a city where sports fans and frat bros run rampant through the streets, but the bar more than lived up to its “douchey” reputation. It was a multi-level establishment: the first level was both a tackily decorated sports bar and a sticky dance floor, and the basement was a country night, complete with a live band and lots of people drunkenly bumping into support beams. Scanning the room, it was evident that we were the only gay couple there. We were surrounded by women in short dresses, guys in oversized button-downs, a couple sloppily making out against a wall, and one person who actually did have the best idea: he was wearing earplugs.
After the woman left, I rolled my eyes at Danny, brushing off the frustration that, yet again, we were spotted by the gay paparazzi. We eventually had a good laugh about it as the night continued, the kind of laugh we always share when this happens — when strangers stare at or comment when we display any kind of affection in public.
A couple weeks later, while walking to my apartment hand-in-hand after getting ice cream, we noticed two teenaged girls sitting on a stoop across from my building. Their awestruck expressions made me wonder if Taylor Swift was behind us. We exchanged hellos, but couldn’t escape without a quick analysis of our relationship.
“Now that’s adorable,” one of the girls said, speaking as if we couldn’t hear her and with the kind of tone you’d use upon witnessing two playful otters holding hands at a zoo. (I say this because it’s the exact response a friend of mine had when I showed her a video of two playful otters holding hands at a zoo.)
“I’ve always wanted a gay best friend!” is something Danny and I have both been told after coming out to women friends. Of course, it’s not always women who react this way, or feel the need to pipe up when they see an exotic gay couple in its natural habitat; once, when he and I were holding hands on our way to grab lunch, a 40-something man spotted us across the busy sidewalk. “Right on, boys!” he shouted. I glanced over at him, mostly to see if he was also wearing a tie-dyed shirt and flashing a peace sign (he wasn’t), nodded, and felt my face go red as I kept walking.
On some level, I appreciate any genuine support I receive for being open about my sexuality and my relationship. It’s something I dreamt of constantly when I was younger, feeling trapped and lonely and believing my only option was to live a lie. Attending Catholic school merely reinforced the idea that my “lifestyle” was evil. But what I’ve realized is that there’s a fine line between being supportive and being patronizing.
When strangers approach Danny and me on the street to say, “You guys are just so cute,” or “You’re both adorable,” it’s hard not to sense an air of condescension. We are spoken to like toddlers or puppies. If I were to type these comments into Google, it would translate to: “I don’t have much experience with gay people, so I’ll overcompensate and shout at you in public!” Or perhaps, “I need to give you my approval, but mostly I need to flaunt how progressive I think I am!” Or, “Lady Gaga! Tank tops!! Glitter!!!”
The patronizing remarks are a different form of lessening than the negativity I’ve experienced — the snickering, the name-calling, the gossiping. Receiving comments about how cute we are will always trump hatred, but they still embarrass me and make me feel isolated. I’m accepted, but am still treated as unusual, as a spectacle. It’s something I feared growing up and that forced me to track all of my mannerisms, ensuring nothing I did appeared “too gay.”
A genuine compliment arises occasionally, like the polite and friendly waitress at the French restaurant we went to for my 23rd birthday last year. “You guys look great together,” she said as she poured us two glasses of pinot noir. It wasn’t a comment on our homosexuality. It was a simple observation, free of implication or superiority. There was no underlying tone, only kindness. The waitress’ manner gave me a feeling of comfort and security that I seek and hope for no matter where I go, a feeling that I sometimes get when no comments are made at all. That is when I feel most accepted — when our relationship doesn’t elicit any remarks, and when we aren’t recruited as entertainment for a bachelorette party. Danny and I aren’t dating to take our place as “Cutest Couple Ever” in the Guinness Book of World Records or to make a political statement. We’re a couple expressing our love in ways that all couples do.
I do see that, in a sense, our relationship could be considered a statement. My mom once told me that I might be helping someone else feel braver or more comfortable with who they are when I walk hand-in-hand with my boyfriend in public. She’s an authority on that subject. My dad has multiple sclerosis, which has severely impaired his vision, and forces him to use a walker or a wheelchair when he leaves the house. It’s difficult for him to get anywhere — a restaurant, the movie theater, the back porch. I’ve witnessed countless gawkers who whisper when he struggles or falls in public. My mom always takes his hand, or the handles of the wheelchair, and pushes forward. She has taught me to believe in a love that triumphs despite the stares, the unsolicited comments, and the veiled acceptance. She has taught me to believe in impossible love.
The other day, as Danny and I made our way to his apartment after a stroll down Newbury Street, we passed a young man and woman, both in their 20s, who glanced at us a few times as we approached them. Here we go, I thought, assuming one of them would make some kind of comment, and braced myself.
Instead, the man spoke up, and confirmed my mom’s wisdom. He reminded me why I feel the fear and the embarrassment — and express my love anyway.
“I should hold my boyfriend’s hand like that,” he said. “Props to you.”
Tags: lgbt, love, relationships, tom vellner
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Love this. Thank you.
Google ranks douchy bars? Pls explain, this is information I need!
Seconded. I already have a pretty good working douchemap of Boston in my head, but I don’t have a very finely-grained ranking system. Variables!
There’s a great map of Chicago’s douche vortices here: http://chicagoist.com/2014/05/01/chicagos_douche_… with an explanation of all the variables.
It showed up just as I was starting to apartment hunt in Chicago, and I was so pleased that entering my maximum rent on padmapper created kind of the opposite of this map.
This may well be the most accurate thing on the internet: “Money + Large Amounts of Alcohol + Total Disrespect For Other People’s Boundaries = Douche Vortex”
Okay, yeah, that looks familiar! Predictably, the map cuts off at Roosevelt!
Viagra Triangle can be fun for a different type of people-watching, though!
I thought this said “gay Tolkienism” for a second. I’m not sure what that article would be about, but I would read every last word.
This article was good too. I can see how being visibly “other,” even if it garners positive reactions, would wear on you.
I thought that’s what it said, too! (I’m guessing it would be about all the subtext in the novels and films….lord knows there’s plenty of it.)
Yeah, my first thought was “Legolas/Gimli OTP” as well as the Very Secret Diaries.
Oh man, I’d forgotten about those. “Still not king.”
I can see how being visibly “other,” even if it garners positive reactions, would wear on you.
The immigrant kid version of this is “Wow, you speak English so well!”/”You don’t have an accent at all!” especially when there’s the faint whiff of “Damn, your fluency in English impedes my ability to identify you as Not One Of Us” (if you’re white).
“Saved By Gay Hobbit Erotica”: http://www.chicagoreader.com/pdf/051007/051007_co…
I feel so at home in this comment section.
Merry/Pippin and Frodo/Sam 4ever
(Frodo/Sam/Rosie is also good.)
Speaking of sandwiches, you forgot to add grilled cheese aficionado to your bio.
Can we just establish in general that shouting at anyone in public is horrid? You could shout at me “You are the most beautiful person ever and should win a million dollars!” and I would still tell you to shut up. It is entirely unnecessary.
This is a great article on why even “positive” comments can still be kind of awful.
Yes! Even if somebody were to shout something positive at me, I’m so conditioned to expect a terrible rude catcall that I would still scuttle away as fast as possible.
Yup, it still comes down to “I am paying attention to you and have levelled a judgement on you! Pay attention to me!”
That was the worst part of my wedding day – having to traipse from city hall to the reception spot on foot (and stopping to take pictures on the way). Soooo many people will honk at you when you are Being A Bride in public and it’s extremely annoying. Don’t honk your congratulations at me as you drive by, because 1) absolutely everyone reacts to being honked at with panic and anger 2) I don’t know you from a bale of hay so I frankly don’t give a damn about your feelings regarding my wedding, KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.
I had a car slow down while I was walking to the grocery store some years back. So used to people yelling “Dyke” or “Fat” at me, my shoulders went up around my ears and I braced for a confrontation. The guy driving yelled, “Nice hat!” Yes, that’s a kind thing to say, but I don’t care what you think of my clothes, and now my adrenaline is racing and I want to kick things. It costs you nothing to simply be quiet. THINK it, don’t say it.
“My adrenaline is racing and I want to kick things.”
This, exactly. It is so invasive and shocking that it couldn’t matter less what the words are.
The only time I have appreciated someone yelling at me from a car in public was when a couple of young guys slowed down next to the bench I was eating at, opened the window, and informed me that there was a bear on the other side of the bush I was sitting next to. They get a pass on the “no yelling” rule.
I was, no lie, about to post “you may yell at me from a car if you’re warning me that there’s a bear lurking behind me.”
That last moment is so sweet. Thanks for sharing this.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I don’t like in a particularly queer positive area, so if I’m on the street with my partner we’re either ignored or given rude looks (mostly the latter) but this does crop up in my social circle all the same, especially with newer people I meet. Like others have said, it’s still an overwhelming example of otherness, even if it is draped in positivity. It’s difficult to explain this to others, unfortunately, without them taking this personally.
Ugh. I feel like I should apologize on behalf of Boston’s straight community.
Ugh, I agree. Tom, if I ever see you on the street, I promise I will do absolutely nothing!!!
Is this an acceptable time to vent about “positive” reactions from strangers on my queer relationship that came off as vaguely threatening? Once my ex-girlfriend and I were holding hands in a subway station and a guy followed us the entire length of the platform while repeatedly making eye contact with me before he finally said, “It’s so great you two can be in public like this.” Another time we were sitting at a bus stop and a taxi full of drunk hockey bros pulled over and yelled, “Hey are you guys lesbians?!” My ex and I looked at them in open eyed horror and then when the light changed one yelled, “Have fun at Pride this weekend!” and the cab drove off. This sort of stuff happened to us pretty frequently when we were together and I never quite figured out how to react when I had to switch from ‘oh god is this going to be a confrontation’ to ‘uhh… thanks?’ in a matter of seconds.
“It’s so great you two can be in public like this” is still kind of disturbing. Like, you need to be reminded that a lot of people still don’t think you should have that basic human right, but since you do it should be remarked upon? Yuck.
I’m probably alone here but I don’t even really mind ‘you’re brave for being out’ because it’s so much less awful than invitations to threesomes and other general sexual threats.
The part about your mom! Also, I love the photo- that’s where I grew up and seeing it on The Toast makes me all kinds of happy this morning.
Thank you, I really enjoyed reading this. There are parts of this I can really relate to, and other parts that stood out to me in how different it is to be one-half of a lesbian couple in public.
Also, I think I hate the “compliments” more than bigotry/outright homophobia sometimes. At least with the latter, it’s intentional and easy to write off as ignorance/bigotry. I’ve had “well-meaning” acquaintances say (in direct response to me mentioning my girlfriend) things like “you don’t look like a lesbian” or “you seem so put together” and then they don’t understand why I’m upset/annoyed at their comment. So frustrating. :/
“You seem so put together” – what does that even mean?? Is there some sort of messy lesbian stereotype I’ve never heard of? People are weird.
I don’t know what it means either, but I’ve heard it from three different people!
I would guess it might be a way of stating that you are more feminine than they expect a lesbian to be, but without coming out and saying it. As someone who unfortunately knows quite a few “well-meaning” people who would say things like that.
Unless you’re not particularly femme, in which case, who knows. It’s a weird statement either way.
It means “oh wow, you’re not the ugly schlubby dyke I always think of when I hear the word ‘lesbian’.” D:
It’s a real twofer for reinforcing both femme invisibility and the stereotype that masculine of center women are unattractive and undesirable.
Or perhaps, “I need to give you my approval, but mostly I need to flaunt how progressive I think I am!”
Handy tip for humans: don’t assume you give people permission to live their lives, don’t treat other people as props to bolster your own self-image.
This reminds me of why street harassment (even the relatively polite kind) is also insidious. Behaving as though someone is your property by making patronizing comments is dehumanizing.
My little sister is gorgeous, and when she was a bit younger (and even now) people would talk to her about it ALL THE TIME. Hello, she’s a human being, not a statue. I think that comments the ones made to my sister and to the author and his boyfriend come from a place of fear and being threatened. Like the bachelorette party. Those women are SO invested in performative heterofeminity. It is important to assimilate a gay couple into that performance, because otherwise the performance becomes farcical.
Argh, I’m not done drinking coffee and I don’t think I make any sense.
I have a friend who basically looks like Brooke Shields, and it is appalling how people talk about her, both to her face and to her friends. One of our mutual friends was once asked by a professor about “your beautiful friend,” and she stonewalled by saying “All my friends are beautiful” every time the professor said “But YOU KNOW who I mean, the REALLY beautiful one.”
ALSO: do any other Toasties listen to Stuff Mom Never Told You? Yesterday’s podcast touched on this topic as well–worth a listen! http://www.stuffmomnevertoldyou.com/podcasts/the-…
I did not realize that requesting a “gay sandwich” from strange couples is A Thing, wtf is wrong with people
Seriously, who *are* these people who see gay guys as Disney characters to take pictures with, or touch black women’s hair without asking?
I was so about to mention touching black women’s hair– or other body parts. I was pretty shocked to find out how often random people (especially white women?) would ask to touch my friend’s breasts. Like WTF no, why would that be cool??
Or touching someone’s hair full stop!
Yes my hair is purple – no you may not touch it!
No touching!
I’d never heard of sandwiching before, and I’m still not entirely sure what it IS. The sandwichers . . . stand on either side of the sandwichee? Possibly do a little dance? Make a bridge out of their arms? To what purpose?
I keep picturing this http://img.pandawhale.com/69437-night-at-the-roxb…
I don’t know if the “gay sandwich” is common enough to be a thing, but gay tokenism in general definitely is, and my husband and I get the “aww, you’re sooo cute” comments as well as the “it’s so nice that you’re not ______ like most gay men” variety and the “it’s so disappointing that you’re not _______ like most gay men” comments.
But even worse than gay tokenism for me is bald tokenism, which I put in the same category as touching “ethnic” hair, petting pregnancy bellies, etc. I shave my head because I’m balding on top and the pattern of growth looks weird, and I’ve had everything from “do you have AIDS/cancer/an allergy to the sun/[insert malady here]??” to “it must suck being bald in [sun/rain/snow/cold]”, and from “are you a Nazi?” to “have you tried [various natural and medical treatments]?” I have had people want to touch it because it “looks so smooth” and kids who are well into grade school ask if I’m sick or, my favorite, an alien. MILLIONS of men and women are bald, including very famous men. The Fast and Furious movies have been massively popular. But I think the combination of baldness with being a pale, white guy who is somewhat lean compels people to say something. IT IS SO BIZARRE TO ME.
I met a fella in grad school and asked him to join me and some buddies for a happy hour the next evening. He told me he wasn’t interested in being a fashion accessory. It made me sad that he took my little “heeeey, let’s maybe be friends?” thing the wrong way and that he didn’t recognize me being bisexual as “sufficiently queer.” I mean, he was also a maladjusted crackpot, so this comment was really just the tip of the iceberg, but it made me wonder how much he’d been pestered by well-meaning straight girls that he had that immediate reaction.
“Free range menses” … I have the weirdest mental images right now. That is a hilarious username!
We were surrounded by women in short dresses, guys in oversized button-downs, a couple sloppily making out against a wall,
and one person who actually did have the best idea: he was wearing earplugs
This sentence was a great sentence. This person does indeed have the best ideas.
I had a similar experience with a friend of a friend recently, and after getting used to having a comfortably mixed queer/straight group of friends where no one bats an eye, I was surprised to experience this kind of attitude. It seemed so unnecessary to hear “aww, you guys are so cute” after doing something mundane (I think offering my gf a cup of tea as I was pouring myself a cup).
I have mixed feelings – on the one hand I agree that showing my comfort with being out and visible, can be helpful. On the other hand, I have no real desire to be the teacher to those who still need to learn appropriate boundaries for interacting with queer people.
The looking around and realizing there’s not another queer couple in the room has really been hitting me hard since graduating college. I’ve been exceptionally privileged that my workplace (/default social circle) is very progressive–in a state that largely doesn’t offer employment protections, they took me on as a partner hire AND would let me be on my girlfriend’s health insurance–but it’s lonely when a seemingly progressive person who has the sense and decency not to treat us like cute otters (love that description!) makes a comment that cuts deep. The sooner queer relationships aren’t seen as political statements, the happier I’ll be, but in the mean time, I’ll proudly make a “statement” by holding my girlfriend’s hand since I have the privilege to do so in relative safety.
I think that’s a really good way to put it — no one WANTS to be a statement, but some of us have the privilege/spoons to do so.
I live in a Southern U.S. region where there are a lot of Us Queer Types, but Because Academia, most of us are passing through on the way to somewhere else. My wife and I, on the other hand, are putting down roots in these super-normative, socially valorized ways amidst a mostly-older community, so we end up being the “You’re so cute! You’re just like a normal couple!” experience for a lot of not-terribly-well-educated straightfolk.
On some level, I don’t mind this because I like to think I’m sparing someone who doesn’t have a history of Fried Green Tomatoes-esque white female romantic friendship to fall back on for the Straight Seal of Approval. Being that couple where people try out their “Oh, you’re so cute!” and hopefully get it out of their systems is work I do because I have the privilege to do it, but it’s still emotional work and despite my massively privileged circumstance, it still requires some self-aware processing later on in order to let it roll off my back.
It’s hard for me to even conceive of what it must be like to be used as the Real Live Gays experience without having the privilege of living out a regionally-important narrative of femininity, so thank you for this article and comment thread to help me understand that!
This is a good article. I’m bi but can easily be read as straight, and whenever I see a visibly queer couple holding hands it makes me feel happy and affirmed and maybe willing to be a little braver, and I just want to give them a big thumbs up and a grin but also I do not want to come off as othering or like my approval matters because I know that this happens and I know how gross it feels, and I don’t want to accidentally contribute to it. I usually settle for a friendly smile, and hope that my face it not making weird contortions.
But here is my favorite holding hands in public story: once I was holding hands with a woman and we passed two older women. One of them said to the other “how come you don’t hold my hand like that anymore?” and she responded mock indignantly “I do too!” and when we looked back they were holding hands and the first woman called out a thank you to us. It was so sweet.
When my girlfriend and I were on holiday in Krakow we were walking around holding hands and two girls passed us, stared, and carried on before looping back to tell us how brave we were to be so open about our relationship in Poland which only served to make us stop holding hands bc if they think we’re brave for doing it there we must’ve been under some kind of threat of homophobia or violence. I’m sure they thought they were being positive and nice but all they managed to do was frighten us.
See, I just don’t say anything, because I hate being the center of attention and I just assume everyone else does too. But I have been out with my boyfriend, and people have approached us to tell us we’re adorable as well. Which didn’t ever occur to me to be a thing you do in public either, especially seeing as we’re both about as status quo as you can get, except he’s maybe half a head taller than me and he’s blonde where I’m a brunette. And, I mean, we genuinely like each other so I guess that makes us look happy, but it’s still weird to have someone come up and comment on the fact.
But internally I do give high fives to couples who don’t look like my boyfriend and me who are out and about being themselves, because good for you. I sincerely hope you are as happy as we are, because you deserve to be.
“I have the best idea: I bet they would grind on our bride. They love that kind of thing! I’ll go ask!”
I feel like this assumption plays off of the weird relationship that some gay men (especially white gay men) have with women’s bodies, which is itself a product of masculine ownership of women. It all comes back to the patriarchy like some sort of horrible family tree.
It all comes back to the patriarchy like some sort of horrible family tree.
This is perfect, may I borrow it?
By all means!
oh MAN when I was a teen I went shopping with this girl (I’d say “friend,” at the time that was the word for her, but BAGGAGE. ANYWAY) and her Gay Friend From Another School District
and I tried on this pair of jeans, which really, technically, probably Did Not Fit because I can’t believe there was a time when I wore jeans that size because I have in fact gained weight since and they’d fall right off my ass which is why I do not currently possess them
and this guy was like
“oh my god. I love them. They make your butt look SO GOOD. I want to TOUCH it.”
My mom’s standing there like “mmmm…hm. don’t even think about it buddy I don’t care HOW gross you think vaginas are”
It was…weird. I was 16, I was entirely unused to any kind of compliment that didn’t come from a place of trying to get me to do sex things, so I was flattered. But it also felt completely unnecessary to add the touching part? In retrospect it sort of seems like the kind of thing he maybe thought he was supposed to say to be the Fashionable Gay Friend.
I bought those jeans though, fuck if feeling a little odd about a compliment was going to keep me from FLORAL EMBROIDERED DISTRESSED JEANS that someone told me looked AWESOME.
Was this at Joshua Tree? Bc Joshua Tree is the worst.
I blame Sex and the City for the prevailing notion that gay men are accessories for straight women.
Great article, thank you for writing this! I eagerly await the day when being gay is not a novelty or nuisance, but just accepted as a way of life. Giving attention or extra support just emphasizes that it’s different from being “normal” and makes it something to gawk at. When gay people are accepted for being people, rather than *gay* people, we will have made strides in the right direction. The fight continues!
Or the fact its called “gay marriage” rather than just…marriage.
I guess “it’s better than the alternative” is all we’ve got. I prefer to take the most optimistic interpretation and say that it’s a way for the breeders to feel good about themselves for not being shitty people, which, y’know, there are way worse things people routinely feel good about themselves for, so. accepting queers is fashionable, and plenty of humans are natural extroverts who want their fashionable views to be seen and thereby affirmed.
that’s what I say when I’m trying to look on the bright side, anyway. the much more prominent cynical side says these people care about nothing but how they appear to others. but there’s not a lot to gain by indulging that part of my nature.
This distinction makes me think of my two aunts. The one is Proudly Progressive and wants to let everyone know about her lesbian daughter and gay nephew and her expertise on us and our relationships (filled with plenty of misconceptions, stereotypes, etc.). I feel like after coming out I became her Gay Nephew instead of just being me. She has even introduced as that. It’s seriously all she wants to talk about any more because it makes her clearly feel like a special pony.
The other aunt….well, let me just say she listens to Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh daily. But I like her better, because she never treats me any different than she did before she knew I was gay, and treats me the same as she does all her other nieces and nephews and grandchildren. She asks about my marriage, about my husband, etc. and other than the weird conversation where she expressed concern about me getting “cancer or something….down there….because it said so on the internet” we’ve basically had the same relationship. I honestly like that she is willing to listen and learn at the age of 83 despite her religious and political tendencies, even if it can be a little awkward at times.
“My adrenaline is racing and I want to kick things.”
This, exactly. It is so invasive and shocking that it couldn’t matter less what the words are.
EDIT: REPLY TO HEATHER S. IN UNREADAETHEL’S THREAD UP THERE. GUH.
"You don't look like a lesbian" ?!?!?!
Even with "well-meaning" intentions, I think you can comfortably put comments like that straight in the box marked "ignorance/bigotry". Ugh.
I have, throughout my life, had outwardly sensible people tell me "You don't look Jewish". This never fails to make me see red, so the minute I hear "You don't look xxx", then it's nostril-flaring time. I hope you manage to get through to these acquaintances so they start revising their neat little images in their heads.
I'd never heard of sandwiching before, and I'm still not entirely sure what it IS. The sandwichers . . . stand on either side of the sandwichee? Possibly do a little dance? Make a bridge out of their arms? To what purpose?
Both my partner and me are trans men. We either get read as a couple of ultra butch lesbians or very young, very feminine gay teenagers. Before I came out, I presented as a feminine straight woman and I was normatively attractive. I dated a normatively attractive cis straight guy for 3 years during this time. This article has made me think about how many factors play into how people respond to different couples in public, honestly because my experience just isn’t like this at all. When I was perceived as a pretty, feminine young woman dating a handsome young, masculine man, all kinds of strangers would comment on how cute we were together, among other forms of especially positive (but largely uncomfortable and sexist) treatment we received. Strangers commenting on our straight relationship was not at all an anomaly. Not all my straight relationships were received this way in public –us both being normatively attractive was a really important element in our relationship being received this way. Obviously, the motivations behind people’s comments toward a straight vs. gay relationship are going to be different, but I think the role of normative attractiveness here is still likely important. I have been with my current partner for three years and our relationship has literally never inspired any kind of positive comment in public. Regardless of how we are perceived –lesbians or gay boys/men (nobody looks at us and sees two ‘gay trans men’) –we are not normatively attractive and we really only receive negative treatment in public. Perhaps this is because no matter what gender we are perceived as being, we are both considered to be on the extreme ends of gender non-conformity and also most people think we are strange looking. Or perhaps because a lot of people feel like they can’t tell what kind of queer couple we are –lesbian or gay –so they don’t want to say anything.
I have a friend who basically looks like Brooke Shields, and it is appalling how people talk about her, both to her face and to her friends. One of our mutual friends was once asked by a professor about "your beautiful friend," and she stonewalled by saying "All my friends are beautiful" every time the professor said "But YOU KNOW who I mean, the REALLY beautiful one."
Thanks for sharing this!
My early (and only) days of clubbing were in the Dublin gay bar scene, and I saw a lot of this. I also had the experience, as a very young and kind-of femme queer woman, of being read as straight and targeted by any straight guys in the bars (who seemed baffled by the idea that a woman in a gay bar might be there because she’s gay) and being seen as a non-threatening option for straight girls wanting to go craaaaaazy in a gay bar who would be similarly handsy and patronizing to me and to the gay men. (The worst being after a big Lady Gaga concert, when the clubs were flooded with drunk straight girls. I imagine them singing “Born This Way” but I think that was a couple years away.) My feelings about straight people in gay bars are…mixed, to say the least.
I would never ever walk up to a couple regardless of orientation and tell them that they were a cute couple. It just seems wrong on so many levels or intrusive or rude, I am unsure of what to call it. I like to think of myself as a quiet observer of the human condition and whatever I think about something I see, generally, I keep my thoughts to myself or share them with my wife. I am getting older now, but I would like to think that sometime, in my lifetime, sooner rather than later, these will all be moot points, people will just be people, whoever they are coupled with or not coupled with. Things change slowly, too slowly at times, but I remain hopeful, and this article and many others on here, along with the comments continue to not only educate me but at times raise my spirits.
I keep thinking it was somewhere on Landsdowne Street or maybe one of those bars near Boylston and Mass. Ave. A number of bars here would probably qualify.
I thought I was the only one in Boston who detests the sports/frat bro aspect.
I keep hearing about this from friends, and it comes up in conversation a lot …but it’s never happened to me, like not even a little.
I can only assume I’m not adorable.
(Or maybe it’s my WASPy sense of propriety — hold hands in public? WHY NOT JUST SCREW IN THE STREETS LIKE A DOG.)
Or touching someone's hair full stop!
Yes my hair is purple – no you may not touch it!
No touching!
I’m genderqueer and male bodied, and since I’m currently going to college in a liberal city I figure it’s as good a time as any to openly wear female-gendered clothing. Whenever I do, I invariably get “i like your skirt” type comments, which I’ve come to realize have less to do with my taste in skirts and more to do with people feeling the need to comment on the deviation from the norm but not wanting to be unsupportive than with my taste in skirts. When this is from friends who haven’t seen me cross-dress before, I just take it as it’s meant, code for “I see what you’re doing and I support it,” which is nice, but it’s pretty weird when you’re waiting for your coffee at ten at night in a Starbucks and somebody speaks to you _solely_ to compliment your (very frumpy) corduroy dress. Then again given the level of violence against trans women maybe any public show of support for someone clearly male bodied wearing women’s clothes is a positive.