A Paint Company Describes White Paint Colors -The Toast

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Amy Collier’s previous work for The Toast can be found here.

1. High Reflective White:


More reflective than a dialogue with Socrates, more reflective than the exiled Dostoevsky during his sentence in Siberian prison, more reflective even than Jesus when he prayed at The Garden of Gethsemane in the hours before his impending death, High Reflective White blinds you with enlightenment.

2. Polar Bear:

Polar Bear roars onto your walls with ferocity unmatched by other whites. Bring to mind its powerful haunches and fearsome claws when you consider what color to paint Baby’s room.

3. Modest White:
Imagine an Anglo-Saxon virgin so pale, the slightest sight of any man, or any woman, any living being at all whose mere existence implies copulation, introduces a blush upon her cheeks. More modest even, is our Modest White.

4. Neutral Ground:
Finally, a white that doesn’t say anything inflammatory. Other whites, though exciting in hue, risk provocation. Not so with Neutral Ground, a white that will adorn your dining room without starting an argument at the dinner table.

5. Nacre:

At some point in our lives, we’ve all dreamed of living inside a giant room-sized clamshell from which we operate as overlord of all who dwell undersea. Haha. Hahahahaha! Now that mother of pearl lining can be yours without all the horrible iridescence. Make your home into a mollusk with Nacre.

6. Marshmallow:

With all the majesty of the Stay Puft Man who, as the physical embodiment of the god Gozer, once towered over our foremost city and tirelessly marched toward his ultimate goal, so shall Marshmallow march onto your foyer walls

7. Eider White:


A still lake. A slight breeze rustling through the trees that grow upon the banks. A bright flash of seabird on the water. The Eider’s noble plumage. Factories and factories of pillows.

8. Eggwhite:
Perhaps you thought we would serve you the typical white you see when you fry eggs sunny-side up. Perhaps you mistook us for a paint company that plays it safe. With Eggwhite, we bring an edgier color to your kitchen, like you didn’t even eat the eggs because you were too busy having sex against the living room wall (for which we recommend our hue Marshmallow).

9. Origami White:

Forget all you think you know about the paper involved in this traditional Japanese art form. Intricate designs woven together with delicate color schemes? Wrong. Carefully constructed geometric patterns? You bet not. Consider what origami paper is really known for. Find it in Origami White.

10. Reliable White:

There are whites you can count on, and there are whites you can’t. (BEHR’s White Hydrangea, for instance. Who the fuck OKed that? Have they ever even seen a hydrangea?) Running low on cash? Hit up Reliable White. Need a lift? Reliable White will get you there—and back! Not sure which white to paint your walls? Check the Dependable shelf located in the Respectable aisle in the Honest section of your local hardware store, and bring home a bucket of good old Reliable White.

11. Pure White:
Purer than the highest quality heroin you would ever buy from a member of the most inbred of royal families right outside the Vatican. Pure White is the color God would paint heaven.

12. Aesthetic White:
Looking for a white with a recognizable, unique style? Look no further. Some whites just sit around on your walls looking plain. With a bold beauty that makes it unmistakably what it is, so subtle it’s almost difficult to say what special element sets it apart, Aesthetic White breaks the mold with its originality and embodies an aesthetic all its own.

Amy Collier once saw Fabio at an airport. Fabio is an Italian model who has appeared on many classic romance novels, such as Love Me with Fury, Lovestorm, and More Than a Feeling. He is 6’3” barefoot; usually in cowboy boots.

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