Movie Spoilers: A List -The Toast

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Amy Collier’s previous work for The Toast can be found here.

Movie Spoilers

E.T. doesn’t give in to Scientology.

The teens of Clueless were alive the whole time.

The New Yorkers of Do the Right Thing do not surrender to Mussolini’s tyranny.

None of the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park get into college.

Sophie chooses not to run for office. She’s got enough going on.

In Waiting to Exhale, Savannah finally exhales and thus cheats death once again.

Mary Poppins didn’t murder anyone.

Jaws never finds out what happened to Amelia Earhart.

The motorcycle diaries weren’t magic to begin with. The magic was in Che’s heart all along.

The main guy in Ghost is dead.

Thelma and Louise may not find the treasure of the Sierra Madre, but they do discover a lot about themselves on their journey.

None of the youths in Rent are ruled to be witches by the townsfolk.

The kids in Battle Royale can’t overthrow President Snow.

The asteroid headed for earth narrowly misses killing everyone in The Lion King.

The film adaptation of Alice Walker’s classic novel The Color Purple features no scenes in which Celie flies a zeppelin.

Valerie Solanas shoots Andy Warhol in I Shot Andy Warhol.

The Last Unicorn won’t be set up by some hotshot young cop who’s playing both sides.

No one’s attempt to assassinate the president in Bring It On fails.

Turns out Old Boy wasn’t an alien at all.

Selena’s tour bus will not be held back by a bomb set to explode if the bus drops below 50 miles per hour so that it hurtles through Los Angeles on a crazy speed rush until a hero arises who is brave enough to disarm it and keep the bus and everyone on it from blowing up in a climax for the ages.

The bicycle thief in The Bicycle Thief steals a bike.

Illustrator: Matt Lubchansky makes comics and occasionally leaves his apartment in New York. His work includes Please Listen to Me and New Amsterdam Mystery Company. He’s on Twitter, and doesn’t expect you to get his name right.

Amy Collier once saw Fabio at an airport. Fabio is an Italian model who has appeared on many classic romance novels, such as Love Me with Fury, Lovestorm, and More Than a Feeling. He is 6’3” barefoot; usually in cowboy boots.

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