Toasties!!! It’s finally warm enough for white wine and poke. Poke is the best. Warmth is the best. Wine is the best. YOU are the best! Open thread!
Tags: cocktail hour, open thread, the bartender is in
Toasties!!! It’s finally warm enough for white wine and poke. Poke is the best. Warmth is the best. Wine is the best. YOU are the best! Open thread!
Tags: cocktail hour, open thread, the bartender is in
Hi Toast! It’s going to be a beautiful day and about 13 degrees outside today! I’m going to go for a walk and stuff asparagus and Easter candy into my face! Not at the same time! We finally opened the windows in the house and the cats are losing their minds at all the OMG SMELLS.
Share with me embarrassing nicknames for pets and/or your significant others. My cats are named Toffee and Timber, but they are frequently called “Big Row Rows” and “Little Mew Mews” as well as “little pink nose” and “little black nose.” My husband and I call each other “bb,” as well as the more elaborate “bbb” or “bbbbbbbbb.” I don’t know where that came from—I think it was some outgrowth of “baby,” but there you have it. He also calls me the regular “honey,” and I call him (and the cats) “sweetie” a lot, but occasionally break out “sweetie banana.” (Again, why? I don’t know!)
TELL ME YOURS SO I DON’T FEEL QUITE SO ALONE NOW.
Men seem to like calling me treacle, and I don’t know why. Three out of the four people brave enough to give me a pet name have chosen that one!
Boyfriend and I call each other “sweet cheeks”. Started as a joke but now we use it automatically. We both have to take care not to use it in public.
My cat’s name is Zhuchka, which means “Little Bug” and was (according to Wikipedia, anyway) a nickname given to Laika the space dog by some of the Russian space dudes. So we call her Little Bug a lot. Also “chicken nugget.”
I call the dogs nuggets, dudes, duders, little fuckers, mamis and papis, mamita, pup-ita, boyfriend-ito, goobers, cutie-pants, cutie-britches…
One dog is a tiny min pin with a clipped tail (she came that way, unfortunately) and I call her a little banana because her butt looks like the bottom of a banana. Also she gets stuck on her back sometimes so I call her a bug.
The cats are routinely referred to as “mouse,” “chicken,” “puppy,” and “badger.” Interchangeably and in many permutations.
My dog’s name is Pebbles and she is variously called: pebs, pebsy-websy, peebles, pickles, pixie, pixie dust, poisonberry, and cutie-patootey.
http://asofterworld.com/index.php?id=152 I’ve been called the last one by a significant other. I call my cat Commander “sweet stupid baby” a lot, because that is what she is.
I named my cat Amka and had no idea how many nicknames that would spawn:
Amkabob
Omnomnomka
Guamkamole
Peeping Tomka (which he is, often, little sneak)
President Obamka
Old Milwaumka (he is a tallboy after all)
….etc etc etc.
The other cat has a serious case of the dignities and usually just gets called “sweet girl” or sometimes “stripeypants.”
My cat is *actually* called Captain Stripeypants.
He mostly gets called fatboy (because he is) or El Capitan,Saffron is mostly pudding or pieface. She has a bit of a flat face and looks like she’s been hit in the face with a pie dish.
I have a wide variety of animal-based pet names for my husband because whenever I use one, he makes the corresponding animal sound, and that fills my heart with childish delight. I am also partial to elaborate baked-goods pet names like “cuddlecakes” or “honeybuns.”
We call our corgi ‘monkey’ all the time even though that is not her name.
Oh also ‘bear butt’.
Haha, my corgi is sometimes ‘Fluff Butt’ or ‘Little Bear.’ They do look like bear cubs with big ears, especially from the back.
My cats answer to “derpy butt,” “belly rubs,” and “hey weirdo.” I’m pretty sure they don’t recognize their real names anymore.
My boyfriend calls my bubeleh–he claims it means potato in Yiddish, although the internet tells me this isn’t true.
In one of the Dear America books I have on deck for reviewing, the (Jewish) protagonist’s nickname from her father is “bulbe malech,” for potato angel, because she didn’t want to be called a little doll–so her father calls her “potato angel,” for a little bit of earth and a little bit of heaven. It’s adorable and very sweet.
I’m not 100% sure what bubeleh exactly means, but my grandmother used to call me that?
My cats’ names evolve over time like some f’ed up game of telephone: Bug –> Bug-a-Lug –> Buggy BooBoo –> Bug Beasles –> Beasles Measles –> Measle MooMoo (and so on)
For the family dog, I just holler a string of adjectives like “good” or “fuzzy” or “fluffy” and tag on “puppy” or “dog.” It’s a holistic process.
I often call my cat “boozle” which has no resemblance whatsoever to her actual name. Also “little bear.”
My chinchilla is Admiral Rufus Q. Fuzzbutt, or Admiral Fuzzbutt for short.
I don’t have a SO right now but I call my sister “sweeble” because of an incredible typo she had once many moons ago.
The cats have the stupidest nicknames.
Anne:
Princess Tubbybutt
Sweetheart Fatarse
Greedy baby
Pretty Fatty Kitty Catty
Gimpytail
Baaaaaabycat
Squeaker
Bonny:
Princess Fuzzybutt
Grunter
Emptyhead Prettyface
Cuddlecat
GlitterEyes
My mom’s dogs are named Andy and Barney. They are frequently called Andy Pandy and Barney Butt, because rhymes and alliteration are fun.
In a fit of supreme military history nerdery my cat got saddled with the name Brigadier General Casimir Pulaskitty. Mostly he is Caz, Babycat, the Brigadier, and -to my father anyway- the International Lemur of Mystery. (Because he has an obscenely long tail I guess? Idk. One of those dad things?)
My dog, Cloe, unfortunately has no nicknames. But her name itself is also military history related, but in such a roundabout manner that no one yet has connected it to Washington. When I’m feeling formal she gets to be Cloelia though.
My mother’s cat is Boudicca. Also known as Boo, Booboo, Fat Boo, Fatty Fatty Boobookins, and Boudicca Queen of the Night, the Destructor, the Merciless, the Death that Lurks Underfoot Hoping You Will Trip So She May At Last Feast Upon Manflesh.
My cat’s name is Monster Truck, but he only responds to “Kitty.” Other nicknames for him: Nuggethead, Nugget, BooBoo, Bubo, Boobers, Fuzzy Boy/Man, Fuzz Face, Little Boo, Peanut.
Both of my cats get called a lot of things that have nothing to do with their names. These include:
Kitten pants
Miss (or Mr) pantelones
Kitten face
Kitten biscuit
Biscuit face
My dog is tiny (4lbs) so although her name is Trixie McPixie, I call her Pixie, Pix, Trix, little-un, little girl, tiny puppy, Bitsy, and I don’t know what all else.
Boycat, catbutt, diva face, diva butt, kitty boy, baby cat are basically the main things I call Klaas-Jan. My housemate calls him “Klassy- baby,” which is also good.
Current guy and I just call each other “love”, but I had a long-distance fella who had an Homer-related tattoo, so I called him Odysseus and he called me Penelope, and there was much literary joshing about.
I call my guy “love” as well. It’s a habit from before I was willing to say “I love you” to him and it just stuck.
My dog gets called “monkey,” “monkey butt,” and “my little possum friend” (the resemblance when she yawns is uncanny).
Dog 1 (Tuva): Tuvaboo, tuvaroo, tuvalu, booboo, boo, burger, baby girl
Dog 2 (Saami): peanut, puddin, puddin pie, pumpkin, pumpkin dumpling, sam bam, biscuit
Husband: Bean, benzo, otter face (and he’ll say ot-ter face in the cutest voice if I beg him long enough), monket, babe
Me: Bashi (like Turkmenbashi), bash, Fayezer
I named my cats George and James. James had the predictable nickname Jamesy. But George turned out to be such a sweet cat, that, a la Absolutely Fabulous, I called him Sweetie Darling. Using an English accent. Or what I thought was an English accent.
The dog (whose name is Porter) is called buster, mr. buster, pupperkins, dumbo, and buddy.
The boyfriend is called Handsome most often as he hates pet names, but no one can hate that one. Also sometimes sweetheart when I’m nagging him about something. Very occasionally he is called Mr. Lady Pickle, for reasons that are too complicated to explain here.
My wife gets called “honey-my-darlin’,” as Huckleberry Hound as possible, or alternately, “Darling dearest my love,” in a rather upper-crusty the-duchess-came-for-tea tone. I have no idea why; possibly I was imitating Galinda’s “dearest darlingest momsy and popsicle” to begin with?
My cat is named Gary Busey, but I call her so many things. Kit, Kit-a-Kat, Bub, Babe, Babby, Babs, and Bug are the most common.
Also I call my friend Bree “bee” because it’s just so darn cute and so is she
Our poor dog suffers through all my invented names for him. His name, when we adopted him, was Donovan. We re-named (?) him Donnie. We also call him:
Ronnie
Ronovan
Ronald
Don
Ron
Ronan
Buster
Buster James
Buster Jameson
Booboo
Little Booboo
Yellow dog (he’s yellow)
Circle dog (he likes to curl up into circles)
It’s remarkable that pets don’t have personality crises.
My cat’s name is Musichetta, but I don’t think she knows it. Instead, we call her:
* Chetta
* Bear (said in a singsong voice)
* Wagon
* MADAM
* Beep Cat
* Kitten
* Chetta-pie
* Rude One
Oh man, nicknames for our cats! (I won’t go into sig others nicknames.)
For V (a black American shorthair): V-cat, boycat, black cat, BBC (big black cat), Terminator X, Toothless (the dragon in How to Tame Your Pet Dragon), furry terrorist
For Kitty (a grey tabby American bobtail): girl cat, grey cat, War Machine, furry terrorist.
I feel like our names are a lot cuter than how they seem when I write them out! Also, we joke there name is *kissy noise* since they usually come over whenever we make that noise.
my dog (Laika) gets: space dog, weirdo, weirdling, miss fluffypants, miss spice, spice girl, soft ‘n’ silly butt, latke, laika-loo, boop boop, best dog, and the softest dog in the whoooole woooooorld. among others. 🙂
My husband and I call each other by many of the pretty standard endearments and also each others’ last names (which I especially love to do, he’s got a great last name.)
The cat’s named Saffron and we call her Ronnie a lot. Also: princess, sweet cheeks, sweet pea, babygirl and my ickle Ronniekins. The friends that catsit for us like to call her Saffy.
My husband and I call each other “sweetie” and our names – not very imaginative. We saved all the more creative nicknames for the girl (Little Bean, Beanie-Bean, Beanie-licious, Noo-Noo, small-faced girl, little elf, woodgie) and Winnie the dog (Winnles, Fuzzems, Fuzzles, Earses McStumperson, Nobs, Foxy-face, Pawses, Doofus).
Somehow when we talk for the dog, she uses double plurals like Gollum, i.e., “Hey guyses, my earses are backses and it’s time for a walkses.” It’s both adorable and annoying in equal measure.
My cats are Gus and Albert. Or to use their full names, Gussie Goo, I Love You and Albie Bum, You’re My One.
Or something like ‘pussinki’ which is a Czech word that I don’t know how to correctly spell and don’t know the exact meaning of but appears to mean something like ‘little adorable darling face’.
I have never used babe, baby, honey, sweetie or anything like that with my partner. When we were long distance for a bit I once sent him into a spin because I texted him from a pay phone to say that I was going camping and heading out of range for a couple of days. I’d been around another couple and picked up their habit of saying ‘hey babe’ and it was so unnatural to him that he thought I was sending him a coded ‘SOMETHING IS WRONG’ message.
Affection in our house is shown by adding ‘face’ or ‘pants’ to the end of each other’s names, by dropping out all the consonants in our names, or by use of the terms ‘snuggle muffin’ and ‘scrug mullet’.
hubby has been calling me “cutie” for basically as long as we have known each other. A few years ago one of our friends found out and teased us relentlessly for about a week, and somehow this makes me like it even more. Maybe because we are less self-conscious about it now?
And one time in order to haze their new brother-in-law my sisters appended “bear” to the first syllable of hubster’s name (which I guess works because it rhymes with “care-bear” embarrassingly I am just realizing this now) anyhow, it has stuck! I don’t call him that out loud all that often, but I think of him that way about 50% of the time and I love it.
I call three horses and two daughters Skookum Girl, which shortens to Skookum or just Skooks – I think it is both a river and also an indication of sturdiness and solidity. The horses, all horses except ones that are clipped, get called fuzzy-butt ALL WINTER.
Alice Rose gets called Rosebud a lot.
I forget names of the high school kids i work with, and call many of them sweetie, or cookie or cupcake. Little kids get called jellybean. Little kids in crowds are meeps.
We have two cats, Greyson, who is a small grey tabby boy, and Malcolm, who is a huge ginger tabby boy.
Grayson is also called Sweet Pea, Sweet Boy, Cuddlebunny, and My Liege.
Malcolm is also known as The Inspector, Caramel Sugar Baby, Ti Pépère, and Little Eeper.
The cat called Joan is frequently “Sweet Paws” and the other boy is “Rowdy” … who knows ….
As of this week, a clinic in DC is doing the Goddess’ work and making Mallory’s ideal abortion ever closer to reality.
And it got me to thinking: What other boring, painful, or otherwise unpleasant experiences could be made so much better by a little consideration? I know I’ve fantasized about a more patient-friendly gynecology chair.
Well, there is really no reason that the subway is not as comfy as your living room.
Welllllllllllll: http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/06/us/06bcseats.ht…
“High concentrations of at least nine bacteria strains and several types of mold were found on the seat. Even after Ms. Franklin cleaned the cushion with an alcohol wipe, potentially harmful bacteria were found growing in the fabric.
Dr. John Swartzberg, a clinical professor at the School of Public Health at the University of California, Berkeley, played down the threat of infection from harmful bacteria on a BART seat. “I suspect it’s not a very big problem,” Dr. Swartzberg said. “That said, if there’s another way to do it, where you can clean it better, then you should do it.”
He said the cloth seats most likely allowed bacteria to flourish because they were more difficult to clean and disinfect.”
I meeeeeean…. *shrugs uncomfortably*
Atlanta’s MARTA is the precise same design as the bay area’s BART, but with NO UPHOLSTERY. One of the few advantages of moving east.
Oh man, the chintzy cloth seats on the Boston T were uncomfortable enough without the knowledge that they are teeming with nasty microbials…
this question makes me think of the “Recombobulation Area” and ping-pong tables at the Milwaukee airport.
I had a gynecology exam and pap smear in Germany and, yes, exactly, they put me in a chair that was upright but on a little pedestal and tilted back. They could do all the exams they needed, see perfectly well, but I was WAY more comfortable physically and psychologically than the horrible US table + stirrups version. Gynecology chairs should be standard in clinics everywhere for regular exams!
Ooh, that is an excellent question. I think dentist (heck, all doctors) appointments would go much better with a soothing drink of your choice beforehand, a cocktail afterwards, and a friendly animal of your choice to pet while nurses/assistants/doctors/etc are rotating in and out of your room.
Hi Toastites! Today is warm, but tomorrow we will begin our descent back into rain and 40 degree highs. Recognizing that, I’m not going to (indoor) yoga tonight, but am going to take myself window shopping (hopefully to also find a belated birthday present for my dad).
Let’s talk about thrift shopping! What is your best thrift find of all time?
Mine is a pair of these shoes by Salvatore Ferragamo. $5 at Goodwill. Exactly my size. They were a bit scuffed but my dad helped me shine them back up. They’ve lasted me over 6 years so far and still going strong!
I also love my indigo denim skater skirt (as I guess we call this silhouette now) which I am wearing today. It is flattering and goes with everything. Last week I got an Etro top for $25, which is a little more than I usually consider “thrift,” but Etro is my favorite designer brand and I’ve always wanted to own something by them.
I found a maroon velvet gown when I was in high school that I loved and wore to a couple formal events. It fit me perfectly at the time.
More recently, this Nanette Lepore purple silk blouse in my size, in perfect condition (and less wrinkled than that photo), for $12.
Holy crap, where was this Goodwill?? I live in a college town and all the Goodwills in the area are full of crappy college kid castoffs.
Rural Wisconsin! It’s a huge huge Goodwill, though, I think they truck in donations from a lot of different places & get overflow from more affluent neighborhoods.
The Goodwill I live near now is urban, near a college, and fairly small, but I’ve still found a few high-quality items there recently.
That’s awesome and not at all the answer I expected, ha.
It is entirely possible that I am just doing Goodwill wrong!
Last week I bought jeans at the thrift near me, got home and they didn’t fit. So this week I went in and tried on a bunch, and they also didn’t fit. Dejected, I walked to the bookshelves, and scored a copy of YES, PLEASE for $2. I think that’s a lot for a used book (and when I finished I noticed the back cover had the STINKIEST mold damage ever, so it’s going to have to be either covered in plastic or recycled), but I was still delighted.
When I was a bit younger and shorter, I had the ideal shape for fitting into middle-aged women’s pantsuits. I found a glorious three-piece abomination in red-green-and-yellow tartan. It featured as my used-car salesman costume that Halloween. I have other things that have more practical use, but this will always be the pinnacle of my thrifting experience.
I mentioned my sick-ass Calvin Klein dress from last week. It’s not my best ever, but it’s what I’m obsessing over this week:
I wonder if a Fashion Friday thread is redundant since we’re all thinking about spring and summer clothes now ….
I like your dress a lot, but man, your bangs are AMAZING. Snaps all around.
The best thing I have ever thrifted is an 80s-tastic dress with incredible shoulderpads and a pleated skirt that is printed with gold peacock feathers.
My one friend at work managed to get an entire vintage deer mount for $30 and I am still so envious of that, holy shit.
That sounds amazing, gold peacock feathers should be on everything!
So. Many. Leather. Jackets. Including a 70’s rust/burnt orange duster with self-belt and contrast stitching.
I’m not sure if it counts, but I once found a gen-you-wine Valentino silk cocktail dress at TJMaxx that fit like it was made for me. It was still not exactly cheap, but still. Valentino.
One of my proudest finds is also Valentino! It’s a clearly VERY vintage pleated orange skirt (my favorite color) with white trim. SO CLASSY!! I got it for $4.99 at a Goodwill.
I also once found a Hobo brand leather bag, in perfect condition, at a goodwill for $4.99. I saw it at a fancy old lady boutique a few weeks later, retailing for like $200! (I totally look up the value of things I buy, because I love to gloat.)
My mom is a huge thrifter, and I once overheard her telling her friends about my finds, that “The pupil has surpassed the master!” My proudest moment.
Now that I have thought it over, my best-ever find is this amazing gown:
ARE YOU FLOATING
Most days, yes!
My favorite local thrift store (it supports the local crisis center) has a silent auction a couple times a year with some of the nicer stuff that has been donated. About a year ago I managed to get 2 pairs of almost pristine Fluevogs for $45. I rarely wear heels, but I couldn’t pass them up.
I recently bought a pristine, white, plush as haaaaaaaaale Moschino coat for $15 at a thrift store run by “[Institution X] Faculty Wives” (the sign in their own store actually identified them as such). They had a rack (empty) labeled “Tuxedo(es)”.
Rich people run the best thrift stores.
That sounds amazing oh my gosh. Moschino walks the line of trashy and classy so expertly, I’ve been loving them lately.
I’ve had some awesome thrift finds, but the best was a blue knee-length duster (jacket?)– it’s thick cotton so it’s basically an all-season coat for California. Hell with a nice sweater under it, I was fine in Chicago over Thanksgiving.
It was $12 and I’ve had it for 15 years. I am FINALLY tired of it.
Not clothes, but I found a Circulon 12″ saute pan for $4.99 at Value Village like eight years ago and I still use it at least twice a week.
I used to have a local thrift store that I called the “sundress store” — gorgeous fun sundresses in a variety of colour for $5 apiece — I lived through whole summers wearing only those.
oh! and an Anna Sui sleeveless wrap silk dress in autumney colors that is way to short for any occasion involving wind or standing up but fit the bill perfectly for our last unseasonably warm Thanksgiving.
I love my emerald green satin chinese jacket that’s essentially this:
< ;https://pearlriver.com/v3/product.asp?iPic=22845&iC=12>
I’ve had to stitch down the frogs and mend the armscye where the original thread failed, but so so worth $15.
Those are some great shoes! Nice work. I don’t generally have much luck with thrifting shoes but I did score some leather Franco Martini ankle boots about 4 years ago. They’re a little worn but holding up well, all things considered.
Last year I found a very nice navy merino wool sweater that I get a bunch of compliments on. It’s by a label (Herringbone) that usually sells knitwear for upwards of $100. I got it for $9.50 so was pretty happy. I also have a super soft, cozy, comfortable gray cashmere sweater that is the easiest thing to throw on with a pair of jeans if I want to look classy-ish but don’t feel like putting any thought into my outfit. Bought for $6 this past fall and have worn it regularly ever since.
My *best find* is still a brown leather jacket that I thrifted for my boyfriend for $30. We looked it up online (we are shallow and mercenary) and found out it retails for over $300!
my NaNas. my favorite boots!!!!! i’m wearing them right now as a matter of fact 😀
they don’t make this model anymore so i was super super super happy to find a pair in almost brand new condition (though i’ve fixed THAT over the last 5 years) for only $12 at goodwill.
Do you guys notice your ladytimes cycle brings around very specific moods? Like for two days every month I want to go to the airport, pick a place, and just go. Like I really consider it.
Then I have to wonder, which mood is the real mood? Do I really want to go? Do I really want to stay??
WHO AM I AND WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE
They’re all your real moods. WE CONTAIN MULTITUDES.
“How is it possible to want so many things and still want nothing?”
–Steven Dobyns, “How to like it”
I was just thinking about this poem today. “Let’s dig holes everywhere.”
And yeah, the way that I feel before my period can be best described as “petulant toddler.” I have endless, impotent rage at everything except feeling ragey and helpless also makes me sad so then there are rage tears.
LET’S MAKE THE BIGGEST SANDWICH ANYONE’S EVER SEEN
I don’t usually quote/memorize dudes but that poem, that poem gets me.
OMG that poem people!! Thank you so much!
Oh, I never thought of ‘petulant toddler’ as a description of my feelings right around my period, but it’s pretty spot on. Unless I’m feeling more ‘murderous burning rage’, as happens sometimes. I’m sure many toddlers feel murderous burning rage on occasion, but surely they don’t imagine stabbing someone in the process. Surely.
That is an excellent term!
I turn into a brat — my brain comes up with mean cutting things to say and I need to refrain from saying them. I recently made my husband cry by shredding his Excel skills to pieces.
Yes! I always suddenly get really angry about the state of the kitchen, and rage clean until I’m tired. The rest of the month, my standards of kitchen cleanliness are much lower.
I notice my reading material changes with the hormones. When I’m ovulating I’m like “all regency/historical romance all the time!” and then later it’s “serial killers! find serial killers!” and then later “Nordic/Scandinavian moody noir”.
My most common mood during is ‘fuckkilleat’. It’s not just that I’m angry, hungry and horny, it’s more than that. I feel like a werewolf. I want to possess the people around me in every way I can to the extent I want everything of them inside me.
I do not do this, I just have a lot of agressive sex and eat an awful lot of meat.
I LIKE TO SIT PUT IN CASE I DO SOMETHING SILLY AND REGRET IT. I ALWAYS DO SOMETHING SILLY AND REGRET IT.
My ovaries hijack my brain during ovulation now that I’m in my mid thirties. Waking and conscious, I don’t feel any ticking clock. However, I spent the entirety of last summer trying NOT to be in the same room as an incredibly buff (but neither my physical nor intellectual type) colleague after standing too close to him during ovulation and breaking out into a sweat and getting an uncontrollable flood of “Give Me All of Your Caveman Sperm, you Virile Provider of Strong Genes and Large Mammal Flesh”.
I just cackled obscenely at this.
That sounds way more interesting than my ladytimes moods. Right before my period I generally get sort of vaguely sadly.
Mainly what happens right before my period is I get so goddamn clumsy that I’m like a one-woman slapstick routine. Earlier this week in one day I spilled coffee all over the place at breakfast, then knocked a container of cheese down with my arm while reaching for something in the cafeteria at lunch, then unwrapped and dropped a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup that bounced off a piece of paper and onto the floor and then the exact same thing happened with the other two Reese’s I was trying to eat.
I wisely chose not to eat the soup I had planned for dinner.
I’ve done that! Once, while PMS-ing, I got extra-klutzy and spilled soup in the office where I was working. And then I cried about it. Over spilled soup.
I am like that for a week before I am due. I walk into the edges of doorways, stub my toes, whack my shins on the edge of the bed, put cups down not on the table – I lose all sense of proprioception. Luckily it doesn’t extend to my car, since my garage only has three inches either side to get into it.
ok, I thought it was just another special personal version of crazy. Thank you, ladies, for letting me know that all the walking into doors and dropping things is not just me!!
It’s actually pretty common! Something about the shifting hormone levels messing things up. My mother was happy when I told her– she thought it was some weird quirk that she’d passed down to me.
Not necessarily a mood, but I ALWAYS want red meat right before my period. Normally, I’m happy with chicken or no meat at all, but man, about a week before it starts, I want every piece of red meat I can get my hands on. This is good, as I have a slightly abnormal cycle, so I am more prepared for what’s coming if I watch my diet patterns.
toasties, a long-winded question for you:
how do you deal with ambition/lack of ambition?
my attitude is: do your work, do it well, own your successes and your mistakes. but beyond that? i’m really not interested in putting more energy in. i give my work 100%. it just feels like everyone else is either giving 150% or is halfway out the door looking for something better, and i don’t get why. they’re all really into career-building, and i just want to work and then go home.
it takes a pretty shitty atmosphere to get me to look for a new job. i don’t really care if the work is creatively stimulating or not. in fact, even after years of working in food service and retail, i would totally go back and work service again, if the pay/benefits were comparable to my current office job.
i’m worried that this will come back to bite me. obviously, if everyone else is pushing 150%, my 100% will look shitty in comparison. i have trouble imagining the future, sometimes, but i understand, vaguely, that lack of ambition now won’t serve me well later. but i can’t bring myself to act otherwise!
so…how do you guys combat your lack of ambition? or do you say, eh, i do my job well, and that’s enough for me?
I am in the same boat as you at the moment. So I would also like to know the answer to this question.
I’m with you. I’m perfectly content with my job and don’t really have any ambition in finding something better. It pays well enough and I have good benefits, I like all my coworkers and working environment. I’d prefer to spend my spare time and energy on hobbies that I enjoy doing.
I’m ambitious, it’s just all exterior to my day job. My job pays the bills and I do it well, but I’m simply never going to be passionate about it. All of my goals (reading x books, biking y miles, successfully raising a kid) are my actual passions and my job is good as long as it allows me to do those things
This is definitely me. I think of myself as an ambitious person, but all my ambitions are to do with hobbies, fitness, impending parenthood, etc. Meanwhile at work, I would enjoy getting paid more and changing responsibilities up a bit… so I’ll apply for a new job sometime, when I feel like it.
this sounds really nice. i have to admit, i’m not a very ambitious person outside of work, either. my hobbies and interests are not very goal-oriented, but i still enjoy them, haha.
Which is absolutely fine. If your life goals are to have enough money to live comfortably, get a takeaway without having to worry about whether you can afford it, and have nice things, then your goals match mine and you’ve hopefully already achieved them. Now enjoy!
Oh man, I feel this. In undergrad my plan was always to go on and get a PhD so all my plans were based around that… And then right at the end I decided academia didn’t actually sound that good so I decided just to work, but of course my degree wasn’t super useful in the field of Business. So long story short now I’m a flight attendant while all my friends are like applying to or graduating from grad school and PhD programs, or having real jobs like Teacher or Marketing Consultant Thing. But the thing is…I’m so happy! I’m having an absolute ball! But I feel guilty because it’s not that I think I’m above service work, but it’s a very simple job and I could do so many other things and I’m basically doing this because……I get a lot of time off and I can fly wherever I want to and that’s the only thing I want to do. And when I think about the long term I worry because it will never pay well and it will never be challenging or fulfilling (well……unless we crash and I manage to rescue everyone. That would be fulfilling.) But…..I could also just be free to roam the world forever.
um, this sounds awesome! it sounds like you are living at the very least, an enjoyable version of your best life. i think “challenging” and “fulfilling” are subjective. someone who says “i’m so happy!” and “i’m having an absolute ball!” about their job sounds like it must be pretty fulfilling!
I mean it is awesome, for sure. I think I am just struggling to rid myself of the idea that your successes and advancement in life will happen within a career.
yeah, i struggle with this too. i think, in an attempt to undo the “husband is the ultimate goal” indoctrination they grew up with, a lot of my female mentors growing up really pushed career/work-life as the realm of fulfillment. which went hand in hand with a lot of bullshitty “follow your passion” talk that’s inherently privileged, and not realistic at all.
i know, solidly, that doing well at whatever work i’m doing, feeling stable, and reserving energy for good relationships…that’s what i really want. but it can be hard to separate from everything else i learned growing up.
Yes, that’s exactly what I was just thinking about! Except it was a little different for me, I was raised to think that having a husband and children would be the height of fulfillment and I think in my discomfort with that I put my hopes for Meaningfulness into planning my illustrious academic career but now that that isn’t looking great either I’m just sort of confused.
Mostly I just worry about getting older and having no job skills and no money and hence no options. Or I worry that I am not doing something that my older self will regret and be mad about.
Read Your Money or Your Life if you haven’t already! Plan for your old age by saving/investing and enjoy your life, because it sounds awesome!
Ironically, it’s exactly the pressure to work insane hours for the rest of my life that makes me go ‘You know what? I would be thrilled to marry a rich guy and only work on passion projects for the rest of my life”.
Oh yes, this is a huge part of it for me too, from the other side. My mom put everything she had into her career and ended up in one of those coveted positions that are about as common as unicorns these days. Admitting that I was willing to make career sacrifices to stay with my partner was tough.
I know women who are entirely career-driven and women who are pretty much supported by their partners, but I haven’t met that many who seemed happy to be somewhere in the middle. I also feel the need to play up my ambitions/career prospects in public, so maybe there are lots of folks here in the middle with me but no one’s willing to admit it.
This is so hard. I remember doing a hard-reset on this in my mid-20s and I still struggle with it–like, my life is objectively pretty damn great; I have an amazing partner and lovely cats and health and just enough wealth to be comfy without obnoxiousness, but ten years ago that would not have been sufficient, I would have ALSO had to have a soaring career.
And I don’t.
But I have lots of other things, without which my life would be so much more sad.
Watching my parents both prioritize their careers in an effort to make money so things would be easier was really… kind of instructive, I guess? Like, they both worked SO HARD that yeah, the mortgage was paid and we had nice things but they didn’t have each other and split up, and then I didn’t have either of them at all, and that was just not the life I wanted. It took so long to figure that out though.
Go you! I have a similar story except I’m not a flight attendant, and your comment is kind of making me wish that I were!
I am entirely at one with that mindset. I do have some ambition, but it’s all channelled into horses and riding, work just pays for me to live in a pleasant way and keep my horses. I had the devil of a time getting my boss to believe that but she seems to have come round.
Honestly, I think American culture has lied to us in saying that we need to give OMG 200% EVERYTHING WORK HARD PLAY HARD etc. I know this isn’t helpful, but to me it makes sense to be a person who does well at her job and then goes home to the rest of her life at 5pm. I’m happy for the people whose jobs and passions intertwine, but that’s not me.
This is the perfect opportunity to link one of my most favorite pieces ever: In the Name of Love: “Do what you love” is the mantra for today’s worker. Why should we assert our class interests if, according to DWYL elites like Steve Jobs, there’s no such thing as work?
I think it is a great takedown on why the “do what you love” ideal is a trap for some people while devaluing the work of others!
I feel the same way about work, but I’m goal-oriented in my hobbies. I think that provides a kind of balance. I want to be good at my job, and have a future in my career, but I spend time learning and growing my other talents (or just keeping them sharp).
This is how I live my life and I’m perfectly happy. If you’re happy, too, why change? I look at people with ambition, who are busy all the time and always so involved and motivated and I’m all “whatever, Imma go read fanfic now.”
I’ve found that being supremely competent and reliable at my job is appreciated just as much as (and sometimes more than) people who always go the extra and then fail to get stuff done or done well because they’re too distracted by all their responsibilities.
reading this comment, for a second i was like, “uh oh what if it’s all the fanfic’s fault??? what if fanfic is draining me of my career ambition???” then i was like, “nahhh,” haha.
That’d be some pretty spectacular fanfic and maybe worth it, though?
truth, if someone was like, “this was SO GOOD, it sapped me of my life force,” i’d…probably click on that link.
I have feels about this too, in a different way. I feel that I AM ambitious and passionate about what I do, and I’m in the nonprofit/community organizing field so giving 200% is expected, but. . .I really really just want to be ambitious and passionate 40 hours a week and that seems not to be allowed. I feel like my options are to actively pursue a career that I care about less, or never have personal time. As it is, I work fewer hours than everyone else and get distinct passive-aggressive vibes about it constantly.
yes, i think it definitely differs between industries, but in some careers, it’s expected that work always comes before leisure, which not only baffles me, but also stresses me wayyyy out. it makes me feel a little like a child stamping my foot and squalling, “it’s not fair! i did what i was supposed to do, now give me my candy!!”—but, for real? let humans work their allotted hours and then go home to enjoy the fruits of their labor!
I work in a law firm as a legal assistant (not enough years to be paralegal yet) and people ask if I’m planning on law school, but the attorneys always have to take work home and it just isn’t worth it. I’d rather do my 9-5 and then do something else.
Yeah, I hear that. I mean, I still put in >40 hours a week, but I make it a point to leave the office at 5pm every day unless there is a late meeting or something. I love my job, this place does great and really important work that I care deeply about, but if I spent as much time here as my boss does–who is routinely here 65-70 hours a week–I wouldn’t have brain space for anything else. I’m close to burnout as it is and am trying to proactively manage that but it still gets me funny looks.
I dunno. Ambition is weird. I know this organization isn’t going to keep me forever but I’d be perfectly happy keeping my same job title and responsibilities pretty much indefinitely. I’m really good at it.
Interesting! I find a lot of my actual job kind of tedious, and it’s a shitty basement office with terrible flourescent lights, so it’s hard for me to separate that out from my actual level of wanting to work hard at this. I had a previous job that I LOVED working crazy hours at, but I got burnt out eventually. I have ambitions of starting my own nonprofit one day (and hope I would be able to set a healthy organizational culture when I do), but until I can do that I’m at a level now where there’s really nowhere Up to go except Executive Director, or a bigger (boringer in my opinion) nonprofit, so I’m not ambitious in that regard. I got some comments at my last performance review that implied to me that I’m expected to start staying longer– as it is I usually work 10-6 unless there’s a meeting, and everyone else stays. . .forever. So since that review I’ve been staying till 7 usually but I’m still the first to leave. It’s really freaking frustrating.
This is the main reason why my interest in working in the nonprofit field was very fleeting. I’ve got enough friends doing it that I already know I don’t want to spend two years doing unpaid internships and volunteering in the hopes that I might too some day get a job that doesn’t pay well and requires a ton of work.
Yup. My mantra to myself when I’m feeling guilty about leaving after 8 hours is “I AM NOT INTERESTED IN WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR $40,000 A YEAR.
I feel this way a lot of the time too, but I don’t really have a problem with it. I have no big career goal. My ideal job is just one that isn’t too boring with coworkers I like and a good paycheck. I don’t really see the point in devoting myself 150% to a job unless it’s a job I have a serious passion for. If I’d always wanted to be a doctor or a teacher or save the world then I might feel okay with putting in an extra 20 hours a week at a job in that career path, but since I have no big passion I’d rather just do my job well and then go home and forget about it until the next day.
I hear this. I like my job. I’m glad I have it but most days I rocket out the door at 6pm and I don’t look at my work email on evenings and weekends. I’m a terrible networker and I definitely have weird guilt that I’m not writing /publishing articles or at least a blog like everyone else in my field. Mostly I focus on meeting needs (I’m a librarian so the needs of the faculty and students) and just push to that. Sometimes we do extra stuff but mostly I just try to focus on a set of core missions and do them really well. Quality work in a few set areas, using what energy is left over for extras.
This is pretty much exactly where I’m at, except I went all the way to getting a master’s in environmental studies and then promptly…did nothing with it. I just feel like, if you like working and being ambitious and whatever, that’s great, but this idea that if you just try hard enough and network enough and go to enough seminars you’ll have your dream job and you’ll never hate work and you’ll make a difference in the world…it’s just literally not possible. Not everybody can do their dream job because there aren’t enough people whose dream job is “making MS Office go” to support the other dream-job-havers. There are definitely things I don’t like about my job, but the company overall is ethically run and not actively working toward destroying the world, and the benefits are good (actually the benefits are great, no lie), so I’m having a hard time feeling guilty that I’m not out schmoozing every non-working moment.
Oh yes, I feel this. I just want to be quietly competent at my job, make a reasonable amount of money, and save my energy for hobbies and friends. But I also like living in dense, trendy cities, and so I have to choose between making rent where I want to live and having the schedule I’d prefer.
Everyone else I know seems to have a career path with defined goals and a clear path towards progress, and I feel like I’m missing that sense of “this is the next step, this is what you have to do to get there, it should take X number of years.”
It took me a while but now I totally own my lack of ambition. “Where do you see yourself in X years?” was always my most-hated interview question because I never have had a planned career trajectory. I’ve witnessed the higher-up people who are, since the advent of email and cell phones, on call 24/7 for work (one manager was answering work emails ON HIS HONEYMOON) and decided that kind of commitment is not for me. Now I have a job where the work interests me, the workplace is mostly great, and the pay lets me afford the quiet solitary life I like.
This quote is my favourite: “There is only one success – to live your life in your own way.” (Christopher Morley)
Yesssss! I grew up in a high-pressure very status-obsessed town, and then went to a fairly prestigious college, and now that I have a low-level support staff job unrelated to my major, it’s quite a change to see people’s reactions. People are always like, “But what do you want to do? Are you applying for grad school?” and when I say explicitly and cheerfully, “Right now I’m happy doing what I’m doing, I’m not really worrying about what comes next,” people seem so nonplussed, they’re like, “Oh. Uh, okay…” I like my job but I also like that I never feel pressured to work more than 40 hours a week. At like 5:02 today my boss was like, “Why are we all still here? The work will still be here on Monday!” and that’s a nice thing to have.
I think it seems really exciting and romantic to have such drive for your job that you work until 2 a.m., but in real life it probably mostly feels exhausting and miserable. I totally admire people who do love their jobs that much and work that hard! But I also don’t think that 40 hours a week is anything to be ashamed of.
Honestly I think being queer really helped equip me to deal with this, because I already had to learn a long time ago that sometimes your life doesn’t end up looking like you always thought it would look like, or the way everyone else expects it to look like, and people will make uncomfortable assumptions about you and will not know how to respond when you correct those assumptions, and will look down on your ~inferior lifestyle~, and that’s okay — I mean of course it’s not okay for them to look down on you, but on some level it’s okay for you to be looked down on, because it’s your life and you get to invent your own idea of happiness.
I think you have actually already stumbled upon a state that many people spend years/all their lives searching for. Enjoy it & Embrace it. Satisfaction is the best thing to have in life.
I cannot find anyone who wants to go to this show with me? But I really want to go (it’s Makthaverskan)? So I am going alone! I don’t do this much (why??) so it feels novel and slightly frightening.
When is it?
Saturday at Beat Kitchen! My wife has to be on call for the hospital, so I actually have an extra will-call ticket if you want.
Alas, I am not yet a Chicagoan. I’ll be cleaning and packing in DC this Saturday. And flopping around dramatically wailing about how hard it is to move cross-country. Oh, and probably drinking wine.
Oh yeah, I lived in Columbia Heights until 2006. I suppose you’ve already gone through reverse sticker-shock, coming to Chicago from DC!
Two things: I am planning a solo picnic tomorrow because I need cheering up and it seems like a good excuse to start a thread of Toasties sharing their “happiest woman alive” self-portraits. From this if you don’t recall (http://the-toast.net/2015/02/11/happiest-woman-world-looks-like/). Anyone else up for sharing some in next week’s open thread?
Also, I just had a weird realization that I almost never say “please”. It actually kind of sounds passive aggressive to me. I’m big on thank you and you’re welcome but whenever I catch myself about to write Please in an email I replace it with something else because it sounds weird. Do other people say please? Am I terribly impolite?
Sometimes I have to actually tell people to do things, and “please” comes in handy then. Like “please fill out and return this form, and then I can help you.” I think I use it less when I’m asking for favors–then I use language like “do you think you could” and “if you have the time” and all that.
I think that’s why I don’t use it, because it seems directive to me! And my job rarely involves needing to be directive in a ‘please fill out this form so I can help you’ kind of way.
I often have to tell people to do things, and use please constantly then. When asking for favors or making a request, I usually say “Please do this when you get the chance.” “If you could possibly see your way to…” just gets complicated and (to me) passive-aggressive. Rich tapestry!
I too use it at work when I’m asking clients for something (usually documents or information for their case), unless I’m asking for the third time, then it’s ” I need ____ by ___ to avoid (this bad thing) happening in your case” I hate to be the “mean lady” (some kids called me that yesterday because I told them to stop running around my office while their mom was in with an attorney) unless I have to.
I love the idea of making a “happiest woman” self portrait! I’ll see what I can drum up for next week. Great inspiration.
Yes, let us do this thing.
I say “yes please” a lot, like if the barista asks if I want room for milk in my coffee.
Also I definitely write it in emails all the time, especially in the construct “could you please ___”. I write to a lot of non-native English speakers though, so I’m pretty careful to be clear and simple with language.
Hmmm now that you mention it I think I do say “yes please” fairly often.
Did you read the “When will you know when you’ve made it?” piece this morning? http://thehairpin.com/2015/04/when-will-you-know-…
I always thought I’d be rich if I could afford to rent an apartment without gross wall-to-wall carpeting. And maybe even a window in the bathroom!
Guess it’s probably a good time to think about new goals. Tell me your goals! Serious or silly.
when I own this bathtub:
http://www.drummonds-uk.com/baths/cast-iron-baths…
Graduate with zero student debt and a place in the world waiting for me (probably law school, but maybe not).
I own a pink velvet couch. (It is 1950s vintage and I bought it and a matching chair and had it delivered for a hundred bucks.) My life is complete. Perfection has been attained.
Now I shall not die, but instead ascend to the heavens reclining upon it.
when i can get a doooooooooooooog
just let me have a dog already okay
I might try working on getting into the splits.
Get a book published. Ideally a bunch of books! This is sort of a cliched goal, I guess, but I am writing every day and actively working toward it, so I feel really good about it.
Also, I would like to run a half marathon someday, but the last time I tried, I gave up after 7 miles. Next time I try to start training, I’ll actually carry water with me.
My goals are not super creative but I do feel strongly about them!
Your goals don’t need to be super creative. Just what matters to you!
Solidarity fist bumps for writing.
When I open my bookstore.
My current goal in life: make enough money so I can buy outright a storefront and live in the apartment above. I open up a bookstore underneath, which doesn’t need to be all that profitable, because there’s no rent or mortgage to pay!
Ooooh, I think about this a lot – I think I’ll have made it when I dont’ have to wait for my computer to die a miserable death before buying the cheapest model of the computer I want and holding my breath until the payment goes through.
Also, when I see my name on no less than 5 books in a bookstore. FIVE.
No debt and my own house. Preferably one I actually built.
When I can get a dog!
(Getting a dog prereqs: apartment without roommates, slush fund for vet bills and emergencies, not planning on a major move for a few years, not planning on switching jobs for a few years, schedule flexible enough to take care of dog or else salary high enough to afford a walker)
When I have my own washer and dryer!
YES
ME TOO
YES
When I was younger I thought it would be when I could afford to buy any book I wanted and have bookshelves full of books. Then I realized that the reason why I use the library for books is that I read really quickly and don’t see any point in buying a book that I’m going to read in two days and then probably never read again. So now I’m not sure what it is.
I always thought “when I have a house/apartment with a library in it.” Book-lined walls, cozy chair, etc.
Now I have an apartment I like a lot and the lack of library really doesn’t take anything away from my reading pleasure. And yeah like you said, the ACTUAL LIBRARY is so much better than my own would ever be. So…I dunno. It’s still a nice thought.
My current goal is an office job that doesn’t require too much time on the phone. I’m not particularly picky about what area this office job happens to cover (I’d like one at a college ideally), but I’d really like to sit down at a computer when I go to work.
I also really want a place of my own where I can cheerfully set up places to properly accommodate habits like ‘leaving my shoes in easily accessible places near the door’ and ‘draping clothes that aren’t clean enough to put away with clean-clean clothes but still could be worn another time or two in convenient locations’. Obviously I’m gonna keep on doing it regardless, so I might as well dream of setting up furniture and such to at least do all this stuff neatly.
‘draping clothes that aren’t clean enough to put away with clean-clean clothes but still could be worn another time or two in convenient locations’.
SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME HOW TO SOLVE THIS PROBLEM I LEGITIMATELY DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT TO DO WITH THOSE TYPES OF CLOTHES.
I actually got a drying rack and stuck it in my bedroom in a mostly successful attempt to keep my clothing contained within one room. I still haven’t solved the outerwear problem but at least my jeans have a spot! That they sometimes but not always make it to!
I have a chair in my bedroom (actually, I have two chairs in my bedroom because our bedroom is where we store our spare chairs, but I digress). I purchased it specifically for draping clothes on. It is red.
When I can travel once a year via plane to a new destination just because
I will know I’ve made it when I meet someone in cosplay as one of the characters from something I’ve written.
I’ve let my friends who are cosplayers know this, should they care to cheat a little on my behalf.
When I’ve purchased the perfect antique secretary desk with the advance from my second book.
I love all the goals! Such great stuff.
I’ll know I’ve made it when I feel like I can afford to leave my job without another one already lined up, and either take my time in getting a new one, or get one that may not pay as well but doesn’t intrude on every other part of my life.
Independently wealthy, I guess I’m saying. Sigh. Working on it.
My goal is to see my favorite grade-school teacher at least one more time in my life.
Toast recipes! I made this this week for the first time: http://the-toast.net/2013/11/13/cooking-whole-chi…. The skin part was so gross, but it was all so worth it. I didn’t have any greens, so I used mushrooms, and it was all a rousing success. (Boneless/skinless are still WAY easier though.) Has anybody made the pecan biscuits from the Tollhouse article? I want to try those next. (http://the-toast.net/2014/12/05/toll-house-cookies-secret-history/)
IT IS FINALLY WARM ENOUGH TODAY FOR ME TO WEAR MY NEW SANDALS AND MY NEW LEATHER JACKET[1] [2]. Maybe I will go get a pedicure! I will definitely take my husband out for coffee and window-shopping and generally enjoying the nice weather. I’m so glad I have a four-day weekend for Easter – tomorrow and Sunday I’ll be in Montreal with some close friends (MORE SHOPPING) and then Monday I can sleep in and maaaaaaaaaybe do some housework. We’ll see.
[1] thank you again CleverManka for enabling me to purchase a leather jacket
[2] the mere fact that I had to wait for it to be warm enough to go outside wearing “only” a leather jacket is a complete bummer, fuck you very much Ottawa “spring”
On a practical note: Toasts, how do you get rid of moths in your apartment that you suspect might intend to start chewing on your clothes? I keep seeing the odd tiny moth or two fluttering in the bedroom. I found some mothballs at the dollar store but the instructions say to put all your clothes in a sealed box or trunk along with the mothballs, which is not an option for me. Is there a milder version of the product that I can hang up in the closet and that’s safe to use on clothes that I wear on a regular basis and (this is the most important part) that doesn’t SMELL like mothballs?
Ooh! Jolie Kerr has covered this (although I don’t know the difference between cupboard moths and clothes-eating moths, so maybe it’s not the right article for you? Is there a difference?) http://thehairpin.com/2011/07/ask-a-clean-person-…
I’ve seen a few near the kitchen too, so maybe they’re the types of moths that eat flour/grains? That doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me because we only have one tiny little bag of flour and all our grains and beans and such are in big glass/plastic jars. But thank you for the link!
Cedar shavings, or anything heavily scented with cedar oil, can help repel those wool-chomping moths. It has a distinctly hamster-cage-y smell, but that’s much nicer than mothballs and it dissipates once you’re wearing the garment. Good luck! Those things are tiny but their appetites are pretty amazing.
Cedar shavings as in literally what you would use in a hamster cage? Would I just put them in little sachets like lavender?
Actually, they make clothes hangers and little wooden blocks that will fit in coat pockets and rings to hang over regular hangers that are infused with the oil, so you may be better off looking beyond PetCo and in a drugstore, near laundry supplies and closet dehumidifiers. It’s possible the hamster chips would work as sachets, but I’m not certain if they’re cedar. Would hate to try and solve your moth problem and instead make your home a spa for vermin.
Seconding cedar, pretty sure you can get sacks of sanded wooden balls at most home goods stores to tuck into clothing. I find the smell sort of pleasant!
heh heh heh little sacks of balls
smeesmeesmee is dealing with moths right now too! Is it weird that I’ve never seen clothes eating moths? Do they not live on the West coast of the US?
No, they definitely do! In college they ate the back out of my favorite wool blazer. Genius me didn’t notice until I was at school and feeling a terrible draft.
I am so happy for you and your leather jacket! Also I was thinking about getting a pedicure tomorrow! GMTA!
I’m just going to hang out here all day staring at this most perfect of gifs/gifts. thank you.
Hello, toasts! I was thinking this morning that it’s been a while since we’ve had a self-care thread, so!
Self-care thread!
What are you doing to take care of YOU now that the weather’s getting warmer?
I just white-lied my way out of lunch plans with a rather irritating former classmate! I deeply did not want to go, I suspected he would bloviate for an hour, and it’s rainy and I don’t want to leave the building. I was nice and alerted him at like 9 a.m., so I do not feel bad at all.
I have been strategizing how to break my habit of spending nights in a binge-watching malaise, because I tend to get home tired and starving, eat the same boring meal that I can make insanely quickly, then feel too tired to read or play guitar so I watch TV until bed. So far, I’ve looked up some fun-but-quick recipes I can make for dinner and decided to buy myself a bunch of silly comic books that I can read at night when I’m too tired to read anything heavy.
Scheming to get a haircut so I will stop feeling like a mullety muppet.
I need to remember that parks exist, and I live near them, and that if I just want to listen to podcasts and do nothing then I can do that while rambling through a park. And by “a park” I mean ideally Central Park because that place is gorgeous.
As for myself, I have found an extraordinary exercise class that is sort of… pilates/plyo/yoga/cardio/strength all in an hour, and I’ve been doing that once a week. It’s a wonderful studio with a wonderful group of mostly women and I’ve even joined the running team.
I have also been making a concerted effort to be nicer to myself. It’s hard. Lots of years of self-bullying is a hard habit to break.
That class sounds fantastic.
It is legitimately spectacular. I wish I’d known about it last year–the strength I’m gaining would have been a huge asset during marathon training. As it is, even after just a couple of classes, I can feel how much easier my running is getting.
Unfortunately, as far as I know, the whole thing is home-grown and doesn’t exist outside my little ‘ville. 🙁
I went on vacation and reset my bedtime to something besides in bed at 5 AM and up at 1 PM. My work schedule makes this doable, but I’m happier when I get up closer to 10 AM, so I’m trying to get to bed by 2:30 instead. And so far it’s been working a treat.
Leaving work to drive and get a Starbucks. Which I will be doing in… an hour? (And then returning to work, but nobody is here today to notice if I just didn’t come back…) The act of leaving in the middle of the day for 30 minutes is a tiny act of autonomy that makes my day better every time.
I’m going on vacation this week! And I’m going to drink lots of pina coladas and mojitos on white sand beaches and not check my email and have lots of sex and wear lots of adorable dresses!
Trying to make reading my default after-dinner activity rather than watching TV or mindlessly clicking through the Internet. To help in this mission I made the conscious decision to stop reading some blogs I was no longer really enjoying but was still reading out of of habit. And I’ve been taking advantage of my university library which has a great range of fiction. Last weekend I finished ‘Affinity’ by Sarah Waters and am almost done with ‘A Gate at the Stairs’ by Lorrie Moore. It’s been great – I’d totally forgotten how much I enjoy getting absorbed in a really good book.
Relatedly, I’ve been (mostly) going to bed at or before 10:30 so as to feel really refreshed when I wake up. Every time I do this I realize anew what a difference it makes.
Getting back to weekly yoga classes! They’re free through my university gym so I have no reason not to go. Stopped over winter due to being overwhelmed by various Tasks but I went back this week and it was goooood. Stretching again after all this time was sore but really worthwhile.
And like everyone else on this side of the planet, I am gripped with Spring FOMO so will be spending Sunday doing my class readings in a park with an Easter egg or two.
That was more than I expected! Apparently I’m on a self care kick this April.
Walks! I overdid it yesterday (going from zero walking to 1.5 miles in half an hour is not only exhausting, it’s how I injured myself last spring) but I am trying to take a walk before or after work at least two days a week. I’m hoping to work up to making the four mile circuit to downtown and back every weekend this summer, so I can hang out with people and have an excuse to buy ridiculous amounts of tea and yarn.
What do you do to help your brain when you’re convinced that you make too many mistakes at work, despite the fact that no one has said anything like that and you know that everyone fucks up occasionally?
I find it helps to think to myself “How would I feel about (respected coworker) if they had made these mistakes? Because the answer is always “totally not a big deal because they’re great and everyone fucks up occasionally”.
I sometimes think about anxiety as a free-floating entity that latches onto the most convenient host. So, if I’m at work, it’s probably going to land there. But thinking about it as a disembodied miasma or something makes it easier to dismiss if it’s truly nonsensical. “Oh, that’s where you landed, anxiety. But I have work to do, so go elsewhere, now please thank you.”
I named my free-floating anxiety after the Gloominous Doom, and it is much easier to ignore it now.
The general rule I have for myself it is that it’s okay to have a bad day, even a bad week once in a while, but not a bad month. This is just a very, very loose guideline to help establish whether I have the grounds to freak out or not.
If your work is more task-based, maybe it would help to estimate how much money the mistake cost the business, because at the end of the day, that’s what will matter. If it’s not very much, then you know it’s just anxiety showing its lovely face.
*To clarify, even if you’re having a bad month or make a very costly mistake it’s not necessarily a good idea to let anxiety take over either. Just maybe seek extra support?
I do that all the time! One thing that I find helpful is to make a list of the things I’ve done right — and try and focus on those is instead
I tell myself that I’m freaking out over nothing – or else I tend to send out a bunch of emails to my boss just so I know I’m not fired – and just do my job as best as I can. Think “employee of the month”.
Letting it ruin your week is my plan and it’s been working out great!
my favourite fanfiction is a weird Dragon Age II vampire AU. What’s yours? Let it be weird so I feel less alone.
Wait… tell me about the vampires? I’m not a big reader of fanfic but I just want to hear about it. Is Fenris a vampire? Or is he one of those vampire hunters whose lifestyle is almost indistinguishable from a vampire (lives in an abandoned mansion strewn with wine bottles, has supernatural appearance, is grumpy broody)?
Is it bad that I can totally see Fenris as a vampire who is also a vampire hunter? Because he is just that emo.
That is pretty consistent with his hangups.
Fenris is a vampire hunter, Hawke is a vampire! 😀
I read Peter/Stiles fanfic even though I’ve never seen two seconds of Teen Wolf. I read one out of curiosity (I was subscribed to the author from a while ago) but like, it is a relationship I am slightly invested in now? Mostly I just read the ones that specific author posts, though, theirs are fantastic and most others are…not too fantastic at all
Wait DA2 vampire AU you can’t just leave us hanging on this now you have to share it
http://archiveofourown.org/works/676277
it is here and it is 100,000 words long.
FUCK. YES.
Probably a long Giles/Anya series in which all the individual stories are named after Golden Age detective stories. It’s fabulous.
I’ve read so much Hermione/Snape fanfic that I can not picture her with anyone else and I have strong feelings about that.
Welcome to Night Vale/His Dark Materials fic called “He Says He Is An Experimental Theologian”. It is part of an overall series called “Existence is the Most Exciting Thing of All”. I got the recommendation from ginkgotree, so credit where credit is due. 🙂 I was initially concerned that I have never read His Dark Materials and wouldn’t get what was going on, but it isn’t necessary. It is primarily based in the Night Vale universe.
But yeah, it is SO GOOD everyone should read it please
I like that one too! I hadn’t twigged it was part of a series though, I will have to go and find the rest of them.
Ack! I forgot to put the link!
http://archiveofourown.org/series/73831
There. 🙂
*click*
Doctor Who fanfic – Doctor x Rose.
It’s a long North and South AU where Margaret and Thornton are forced into a marriage of convenience after the factory riots and then have a bunch of flirty debates about classical economics. I am a very cool person.
what what what share
Here it is! Scroll to the bottom for the first chapter: http://lettered.livejournal.com/tag/fic%3A%20sick…
It’s honestly legitimately beautiful writing.
*basks in utter joy*
I never knew how much I wanted this, until this very moment. (swoons)
welp I know what I’ll be reading tonight
currently it’s an AU featuring Tony Stark & Steve Rogers that maintains a lot of continuity from the Marvel Cinematic Universe, except Steve never got the serum and instead became a spy/assassin for S.H.I.E.L.D. (and was born like, 60 years later).
but last week it was one about Peggy Carter being frozen & woken in present-day NYC.
and last year it was definitely The Ballad of Randy and Joan, which is a Spike/Buffy story set post-apocalypse. (shrug emoticon)
TINY SPY ASSASSIN STEVE! Man, I’m looking forward to the next chunk of that one.
yes! I was SO EXCITED to hear he’s working on a sequel!
I need ALLLLL the Peggy fix-its; would you leave a link in case it’s one I haven’t read yet?
currently unfinished but still worthwhile! It’s called Flames We Never Lit http://archiveofourown.org/works/437668?view_full…
Thanks!
One of my favourites is AJ Hall’s Queen of Gondal series, which puts the Sherlock characters in the Bronte childrens’ Gondal kingdoms; a great episode is The Master Mate’s Stratagem, which is an addition crossover with Cabin Pressure. http://ajhall.shoesforindustry.net/ebooks/41/ajha…
Oh God, too many. Way too many.
I’m still a huuuuge fan of Beedaily’s Commentarius even though it updates once a year if you’re lucky. It’s James/Lily and it’s perfect and wonderful and god I need a new chapter STAT.
I’ve been spending waaaay too much time reading Steve/Darcy MCU fic. Waaaaaay too much time. If it’s Steve/Darcy, I’ve probably read it. Most of the tag on AO3 has been taken over by OT3 fics since Winter Soldier, but I only read a select few of those.
My favorite DW fic will always and forever be Seed Pearls by HonorH because GUUUUH it’s so lovely (it’s Nine/Rose…sort of).
recs for Steve/Darcy? I have such a thing for those two little wisecracking shits getting together.
OH GOD SO MANY.
Five Things Darcy Loves About Working for SHIELD: This one is fun, though the ending has always felt a bit out of left field to me.
Marry, Fuck, Kill”: I adore this one, and its sequel (which does go into OT3 territory).
I Climbed The Tree To See The World: pretty much the quintessential Darcy/Steve fic.
Rule Number Nine: written pre-Avengers movie but SO STINKING CUTE.
The Direction series: this was my intro to Steve/Darcy and I still love it.
I HAVE DOZENS MORE JUST LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANT THEM
awww yessss I knew of none of these except Marry, Fuck, Kill!
ETA: that’s the thing about shipping Steve with EVERYONE: keeping up with all the fic
YAAAAAAS I am so jealous that you get to read all of these for the first time. I seriously have a ton more if you get through them and want more recs.
*grabby hands* Five Things… was FANTASTIC (as were the rest). Thanks for the recs! I’ll take more annnnnytime 🙂
YOU WANT RECS, I GOT RECS
All The Dead Lie Down: Steve, Darcy and a zombie apocalypse
The Hearts and Bones series: Steve and Darcy meet at a boxing gym. I love when Darcy is a fighting badass.
Life After You’ve Been Disappeared: I have actually been looking for this one for a while so I actually need to re-read it like ASAP
The Kid’s Movies series: This one makes me cry a lot (mostly the second fic), but I really love it because Steve + Darcy + Disney movies
when you wake: Steve gets dosed with the stuff from “Edge of Tomorrow” and keeps repeating his life.
OKAY THERE ARE STILL MORE IF YOU WANT THEM THIS IS SO MUCH FUN BYEEEE
:DDDDDD
I have a lot of favorites, but the Doctor Who/Sense and Sensibility crossover is a standout. (The Ninth Doctor is my favorite and he’s so delightfully Nine-ish in this one. And it’s got the Dashwood sisters and aliens!)
Toastatrons, I’ve been saving this for you!
From here: http://wtfbadromancecovers.tumblr.com/post/483509…
I need this book in my life.
I need this to be my life.
The dissolve from her coat to concrete architecture is amazing and perfect.
“She Was A Spicy Shewolf”
I feel like 1992 was maybe the least apocalyptic year ever.
Is there a Chicago Toast-Up? I’m moving in a month! I am happy to be the instigator if any Chicago-area Toasties want to alert me to their presence.
Oh yay! What brings you to Chicago? What neighborhood will you be living in?
I’m moving for a job! I’m super excited. I’ll be visiting next weekend to find a place to live, and I’m focusing my search on Logan Square. My BFF4E lives there, and I have elaborate fantasies about walking across the street to drink coffee with her on Saturday mornings. (But I’m open to other hoods, tbh.)
Congrats on the job! Logan is fun, a good choice if you want to have a lot of things to do within easy walking distance. And living just a few blocks away from friends in lovely, I think.
I know folks have planned meet-ups in the past, I haven’t been able to make any of them, sadly.
Is there a listserve or a FB group or something? How did you find out about the meet-ups?
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Chicago-Toasties/1…
I think this?
yay! I’ve been here since last summer, not too far from Logan Square. Good luck apartment hunting!
Hurrah!
I live in Rogers Park and I love it here; that being said, if my job weren’t in Evanston, I would probably be in Logan instead.
I run the FB page, and we should do a meetup again soon. Why don’t you pick a date that is shortly after you arrive, and see if we can get a group to meet up at Rogers Park Social?
Hi hi! Sorry for the late reply. I am now following the FB group, so I’ll just pitch an idea sometime after I get settled! Thanks to all of you!
I bought a sweatshirt I saw Jacqui Cheng wearing on twitter, intending to give it to my brother. It arrived and I cannot part with it, so I sent him another one. Now we will have matching sweatshirts, with what I expect will soon be considered the family motto.
I LOVE IT
OH MY GOD YES
Anyone up for a Twin Cities meet-up, perhaps the week of 04/13? It’s finally warmer enough (for me) to bike places and feel enthusiastic about meeting people, after several months of burrowing.
I will be moving to the Twin Cities this summer! If you decide to do a (second?) meetup in or after August. I would loooove to be there. 😀
I am also planning to move (well, back) to Minneapolis from DC this summer. High-five!
Put me in for an enthusiastic “maybe” – that week, I’m doing my first year grad review and depending on what day, I might be too busy with preparations. But I’ll keep my eye out, because meeting some Twin Cities Toasties has been my dream since I moved here last summer! 🙂
another question for the toast collective:
have any of you bought anything from everlane? specifically their silk shirts? any feedback on the quality/cut/sizing/return policy/etc?
or: if you have nice silk shirts, who made them?
i want to be a fancy lady. all of gillian anderson’s blouses on the fall convinced me.
I want to know this too! I avoid button-up stuff as a rule because boobs but I also want to be Gillian Anderson when I grow up, so.
right? lady is radiant. i’m hoping that since silk shirts tend to be on the billow-y side, there’ll be less pulling on the boobs, cause i am definitely in the same boob boat.
That’s true! I have never actually tried on a silk shirt, so I don’t have any idea what it would do on me. Maybe it would be AWESOME.
80s silk shirts that fit my waist are TOTALLY FINE on my boobs (with cotton shirts I have to go a couple of sizes bigger and one time my breast straight up burst a button and popped out on the desk as if to nurse the table)
I own an Everlane silk blouse and trot it out on all occasions. They run large — I bought a small and it has a billowy, drapey fit, and the buttons don’t pull — and they are long. Quality seems high but it’s the only silk item I own so idk.
When I get rich I plan to discard all of my current clothes and buy 5 pairs of paige highrise jeans, 5 everlane silk blouses in various jewel tones, 1 pair flats, 1 pair heels, never think about clothes again and live happily ever after.
thanks for the info! hurrah for non-pulling buttons!
also, that wardrobe sounds classy as helllll
I get all my nice silk shirts secondhand, honestly, so they are all from the 80s and reasonably good quality, but sometimes I have to hand-tailor them in at the waist. (And take out shoulderpads, that should go without saying.)
My best thing ever is a Karl Lagerfeld silk-blouse / LEOTARD (like it has snaps in the crotch and is stretchy cotton from about the belly-button down) that sits perfect under skirts and never untucks and is so great.
i have such poor luck finding silk shirts secondhand! cashmere, absolutely, but no luck with silk. i’ll just have to keep my eyes peeled.
that karl lagerfeld sounds magical. i’ve never figured out how people tuck shirts into skirts without a lumpy crotch.
If you have basic sewing skills (and a super sharp needle for silks), body crotching a silk shirt is less work than it sounds if you don’t mind hand sewing a hem (or having it pull on a machine). I get mine secondhand too, they are all amazing
I buy a lot of stuff from Everlane! Including a silk blouse and a silk tank. They have been really good about returns and issues for me.
The silk blouse is beautiful, very well made, the buttons don’t pull (although the pearly look stuff has chipped), and the cut is good, a bit over sized and billowy, as mentioned. I am a 34C (I think? I usually buy “medium” sized bras) and about 5’7 and 140, and medium is a good Everlane size for me.
thanks for the info, especially about sizing!
I own a ton of stuff from everlane: 2 regular silk blouses, one habotai silk blouse (which I’m wearing today), a cashmere sweater, a tank, a pencil case, and a soon to be arriving tote (I got a couple gift certificates for christmas).
I love their blouses. They are beautiful and feel great on the skin. They are blousy as others have mentioned, and long. I am short so if I don’t tuck them in I usually tie them up a little, because otherwise the length is a bit much (and they don’t have petite sizes). The habotai blouse is new and is a little more relaxed feeling, like nice pajamas. It’s also a bit shorter.
I think the quality is really good for the price, but my only other silks are from banana republic and ann taylor, so I’m not comparing the everlane to high end silk. The newer blouses have a placket (is that the right word) covering the buttons, which I think some folks like better. I have the ones with exposed buttons and I think it looks fine. I get some bulging in the chest, but since they’re meant to fit loosely, it’s not too bad.
The return policy is easy, I’ve returned a fair amount of stuff and it was no problem.
ETA: I’m 5’1″ and 140 lbs and I buy smalls in all the silk. I went down to extra small for the tank because otherwise it was too billowy for my curvier frame.
thanks for the info! something like banana republic or ann taylor is probably where i would be purchasing silk otherwise, so if the quality is comparable, i’d rather buy from everlane!
I would say the quality is much better than banana republic (and I love BR). The silk is thicker and looks more high-end than all my BR shirts. And of course the business practices are more transparent, which is great.
ONLINE DATING THREAD
Last week’s went very well!! The Cheese Cave sadly closed about 10 minutes after we got there, but there WAS free cheese involved! Afterwards we got Japanese food and went back to my apartment and watched youtube videos and talked until about 1:30 AM.
Tonight we are going to Destination Dogs and who knows what else?? I am v. excited, though!
Also, okay so I tried to bring up his profile to show a friend…and he’s deactivated it? That’s a good sign, right????
great sign!
Cheese Cave and Destination Dogs…you have the best-named dates!
I’ve been seeing a guy that I met on OKCupid for a while now and I’m meeting a bunch of his friends this weekend and I’m freaking out. What if they think I’m a terrible person??? I can be weird and awkward and this dude claims he thinks it’s charming but what if his friends see through all that and strongly dislike me??? How much can I embarrass myself in one night???
Do As I Say, Not As I Do:
Don’t worry about it!
(Almost all of my friends are women, so it’s not like “the guys are gonna judge you” but potentially “you’re not good enough for him!”)
Yes, it is. He’s met someone so he can stop looking at it. I like to bring someone over to Facebook. If they accept, then it’s going alright, and we’re not just “date talking” and we can probably see more about each other. I’m told “ghosting” is when that person then fades out, if they do, but still, getting out of the OkCupid ghetto is a good step either way. (I’m going to disable my account because that happened this week. I’m excited!)
Here is a (woefully short) story about Europe’s last brewmaster nun. She sounds delightful.
Most of the time I love that as an American in a big city I have access to hundreds of fun new beers to try, but the thought of having exactly four beers that you know by heart and you pretty much only drink them is appealing in its own way. Overabundances of options, amirite?
Earlier this week I had a day where I was in a weird, for-no-good-reason good mood. Went for a walk, got caught up on work, but kind of had the feeling I was going to find money or buy a winning Lotto scratcher. I came home and told Housemate about the sensation and he was more interested than I would have expected. He said, oh, that’s weird. You know I’m only renting to you because I need the money, right? Well, I just found out I’m getting some unexpected income this month so I figured I’d give you a rent holiday. Here’s your check back. I don’t even have an emoji for what my face did at that point. Let me just say for the record that if this situation ends with me being boiled and eaten as paleo bone broth, I still feel like it was worth it.
That’s SO awesome! What a great day! What a nice housemate!
You are only beginning to see the good things you deserve and have had coming for so long. There’s even more to come.
Well, this is just a wonderful story.
MAD MEN IS BACK, TOASTIES!!!
What is everyone hoping for as the show ends? Other than Peggy and Joan ruling the world, of course. And Sally becoming not-her mother.
Me, I just want to continue to enjoy sad-sack Pete, who has improbably become my favorite not-female character on the show. As his hairline recedes, so does my original hatred for him.
I want 50% less Don, 200% more Sally, also a full-on Dawn storyline. Basically I want the metaphorical “fall of Don and his generation, rise of the next” to play out in who gets screen time. I tire of your dramatic sighing, Draper, and I promise to love every minute of secondary characters.
And good things for Ken.
I just want Sally to go to Woodstock.
Poor, one-eyed Ken.
Mad Men is really good at spectacular workplace related injuries. Never forget the lawnmower.
“Jesus, it’s like Iwo Jima out there!”
I am always here for more sad-sack Pete, god love him. Also for Ken to get some happiness in life, and more Stan/Peggy scenes.
Less Henry (because he’s awful). Less Megan (because what possible purpose could we possibly have to see any of her story anymore?). Less Ted (likable actor, lame ass character, can’t stand that Peggy was ever into him). Less Glen (because he’s terrifying). No Lou (no explanation necessary).
More of everyone else, especially Stan, Sally, & Peggy.
I hope (almost definitely in vain) for the return of Salvatore Romano…
*joins the “Waiting for the return of Salvatore Romano” club*
MOAR JOAN. And MOAR SALLY.
The return of Bob Benson’s shorts.
I’d love to see a Dawn storyline too!
I can’t wait to see what Sally will be wearing. I hope Megan isn’t gone forever, because I want more Megan fashion. And I would love it if Sal Romano came back.
I just want more Roger one-liners. He’s a giant child but bless his sharp-shootin’ mouth.
+1 to all the wishes for more Joan, Sally, the Dawn & Shirley Show, and Peggy. I’m nowhere *near* as smart and accomplished as Peggy is, but damnit, I see a bit of me in her and I just want her to be happy, whatever that means for her.
Let’s talk X-File! Favorite episodes, hopes/fears for the new miniseries, etc. I am currently rewatching The X-FIles with my husband who is watching for the first time. (Though he is a sci-fi fan he didn’t have Fox as a kid so he completely missed the show while it was on.) It is so much fun to watch the episodes that I dearly love with somebody who is not aware of the twists and turns and watch his reactions. After about episode 8 he turned to me to ask, “Did the X-Files pretty much influence every sci-fi show that I love?” Yes, little rabbit, it did.
I have just had the DVD box set delivered as it was on mad sale! I am just hoping the new one isn’t dreadful.
Both movies were so disappointing, but apparently they’ve got a lot of the best writers on the mini series so I am hopeful. I just hope it’s not too dark and too into the mythos that ended up being so very disappointing. If they do a little bit of aliens and then mostly awesome monster of the week episodes and finish with a little more aliens I will be a happy camper. I am both hopeful and prepared for disappointment.
I <3 the first movie. Teenage me almost died at the near kiss in the hallway.
I remember both liking and being disappointed in the movie. I was in middle school, and watched it with a group of fellow nerds at a drive-in. After we had a sleepover and were confused as to what actually happened in the film and what is the deal with the bees. I think we wanted Answers, and we ended up more confused. That said, the near kiss was swoon inducing to younger, hormonal me. I think I need to re-watch it as A Proper Adult during the appropriate time in the rewatch to better evaluate.
If I ever manage to get a tattoo, I’ve decided that it will be Mulder’s dialogue from the hallway scene. And a bee. I started watching the X-Files when I was 12 right after the movie came out. I don’t remember now why I decided to start watching, but I’m fairly certain it must have been all the talk about the movie. So it’s got that importance to me, but also I think it’s a fairly good summary of the show: Scully has saved Mulder a million times over and he would be nothing without her.
There’s no way I could pick a favourite episode, but the one that I reference the most is ‘Blood’ (S02E03), where people’s electronic devices start displaying hostile messages. Basically, every time I’m in an elevator with an electronic display, I whisper “Kill em all” (very, very quielty).
I’m worried that the new miniseries will put too much emphasis on romance or potential romance at the expense of the supernatural plot. I loved the sexual longing/tension of earlier X-FIles, but am not necessarily invested in a happily-ever-after for Mulder & Scully. But maybe that’s what fans mostly want, so that’s what it will focus on?
I am SO with you about the Mulder/Scully thing. I enjoyed the sexual tension that happened late in the series, but rewatching from the beginning makes me miss platonic Mulder and Skully who trusted each other completely and felt so comfortable with one another. It’s so refreshing. But I think that probably puts us in the minority. I mean, I’m not opposed to them being together and happy, but that’s not what I want to see because to be honest, it’s kind of boring.
I just watched Blood last night! I’ve been trying to watch Deadwood (not really feeling it though) and there are three actors on it with guest starring roles on the X-Files. One is the guest star from Blood, whose name I do not remember and am not going to Google because I’m too lazy, so it put me in the mood to watch it again.
He’s a great actor, he is also in Blade Runner and a bunch of other things.
We are working our way through the series again and listening to the X-Files Files podcast. I have high hopes for the miniseries, here’s hoping.
One thing I noticed on rewatching is how many of the iconic episodes (in my mind, from first seeing them as a kid when they aired) where so early in the run. Like second season early.
Ooh, can you link to that podcast? Always looking for new podcasts to marathon!
Sure! it is here:
http://www.feralaudio.com/show/x-files-files/
They are just about to the end of the 3rd season now.
http://www.feralaudio.com/show/x-files-files/ It is best listened to after you’ve seen the episodes they discuss, although not required. I binge watch X-files after work and then listen to the podcast the next day. It’s wonderful, although I’m partial to Kumail Nanjiani so I’m completely biased.
I love Kumail so much he’s just delightful! Also I am a HUGE XF fan but I think he will always be The Hugest (even if I totally have a better recall for plot minutiae than he does)
Samesies! Sometimes he’ll ask, “What was the name of that one guy?” or “What was that thing that happened here?” and I will all but yell the answer at my phone/computer because I remember so much. I think, perhaps, it comes of being an obsessive before the joys of the internet when you had to remember every detail unless you had the luxury of taping an episode. His enthusiasm, though, is amazing. I love just listening to him talk about each episode, his voice is wonderful and his excitement is contagious.
I know! I was on at least one XF Creative mailing list where I sent all my fanfics and made some friends through that where we could just go into exquisite detail together (over email! on dialup!). It may or may not have been one of my proudest moments when I had a few fanfics that were picked to be in special archives.
Although the gossamer project is still around which is amazing because I totally spent HOURS on gossamer.
The Gossamer Project was the first (and actually only) fanfic I ever read! Lots of sexual awakenings there.
ooh, I have subscribed thankyou!
Me too! I love the X-Files Files and it’s really nice to be reminded as to which episodes I should skip and not force the poor husband to watch. Plus I love when Kumail or his guest points out things I didn’t notice, or reemphasizes that the parts I think are brilliant are actually brilliant. Listening to the show is like hearing my friends talk about the show.
I think most of my favorite episodes are season 1/season 2 (Squeeze, Eve, Humbug, Ice, etc.) It just reemphasizes that this was such a great show almost right from the start. I’m not looking forward to season 6 and the nose-dive, but right now watching it is like looking at happy childhood photographs.
I love Kumail! And he has some really great guests on. I like watching with the in depth analysis, you pick up on a lot more than a casual watch through.
I’m not too far in, but I love when he reads what people had to say about each episode when it originally aired and how the writers/Chris Carter viewed the episode. I love hearing how Kumail and his guests reacted when they first episode versus what they notice now. I know for me I tend to forget about life before the X-Files, so to have them point out that this show was the first to do so many things we take for granted now is always an eye opener. “Oh yeah, there really wasn’t anything like this at the time.” It’s amazing to remember how groundbreaking this show was because I take it for granted now.
It really was, it is interesting to look at shows now and see how much X-Files DNA they have in them too.
I’m also a diehard Fringe fan, I knew when I watched Fringe that it was very influenced by the X-Files, but I didn’t really really realize exactly how much it was influenced until now. They are very different shows, but you would not have the latter without the former.
Definitely, especially that first season. Man, was Fringe a great show or what? I need to rewatch that one as well.
Fringe was sooooo good. I still miss it, and thinking about the finale still makes me sad. We have it all on DVD and I think it’s on Netflix as well. (Protip: Don’t fall asleep on the couch while watching Fringe because it will lead to so many nightmares.) I love the way it’s like X-Files, and the ways it asserts itself as a different show, like how Olivia is so open right from the beginning. So good. I love pretty much everything about the show.
My hopes for the XF limited series are as follows: 1. that they do not let Chris Carter or Frank Spotnitz anywhere near the writing parts, they can decide when things will explode or something; 2. that they drive a dumptruck full of money up to Vince Gilligan’s house and get him to write all the Mulder/Scully interactions; 3. that they leave the plotty stuff to Glen Morgan and James Wong (I’d say Darin Morgan because he’s obviously the best, but he is a notoriously slow writer); 4. the Lone Gunmen are retconned as alive.
I may be utterly alone insofar as I didn’t mind parts of the second movie. I actually thought the relationship between Mulder and Scully was reasonably well done and adult (especially considering all the stupid are they/aren’t they teasing that went on in the latter seasons). And I liked them in the boat at the end because that was basically so much of the fanfic I read as a wee X Phile just up on the screen.
Hard to pick a favorite episode, but I think I have to go with Paper Hearts. Everything about that episode is wrenching, the acting is spot on, everyone’s hair looks good, the music is great, Tom Noonan is creepy. I would have loved if they’d kept that sliver of doubt about whether Mulder was remembering things really as they were WRT his sister. In many ways, I would have liked it better if she’d been spirited away by a more mundane sort of evil in a world where freaking aliens and liver monsters are real. But then, I generally enjoyed the hell out of the rare “banality of evil” XF episodes.
I agree with all your points, but oh my gosh, #4 so much! I LOVE the Lone Gunmen and when they died I was devastated. My friend Beckie and I were similarly obsessed and I remember wearing black to school the following Monday in mourning. Completely soul crushing, and if they can find a way to bring them back (they have done weirder things) I want that so badly.
I think there have been hints at Gilligan, Wong, and Morgan all coming back, but it’s all subtle rumors and hearsay. I am hoping for the best because these are the writers who really are X-Files to me and Chris Carter should not be allowed to pen a single word because he has lost that privilege so far as I am concerned.
I never really cared for Chris Carter as a writer. Even as a 13 year old when I’d feverishly hunt down articles and keep them in a (black) notebook where I also wrote down all the episode descriptions from the tv guide that came with the Sunday paper (AND RATED THEM), his insistence that it was the plots and plots only that were important to XF was completely infuriating to me.
Also I sort of wish I still had that notebook, but I think I threw it out when I was in college in a fit of embarrassment.
I feel like we are full-on, Anne of Green Gables style kindred spirits. I did not have a notebook, but I would have thought it was a brilliant idea and copied it if I had known you at the time. And I just want to point out to Chris Carter that if he knows so much about TV then why hasn’t he done anything successful since the X-Files, hmm? (Although I did really want the Lone Gunmen to do well and it still hurts that we only got six episodes.)
I also had one for Lois and Clark, so…
I really enjoyed The Lone Gunmen series as well! It had the potential to be a less-annoying and angsty Burn Notice basically.
It is weird that everything Chris Carter ever did after XF more or less bombed. I tried Millennium for a bit and I think it was generally well-acted, it was just so GRIM. Of course I tuned in for the Millennium episode featuring Jose Chung (who they KILLED WTF).
So excited! Especially since David Duchovny’s said that Skinner and Cigarette Smoking Man are coming back. A little worried that CSM coming back means Chris Carter will try to make some very old and confusing mythology relevant again, but I’m hoping he’s just involved in some big new conspiracy. If he can survive multiple murder attempts, he can find his way to the next big conspiracy. I also saw that Darin Morgan would be back, which is so exciting.
My favorite episode is Pusher. It’s just the perfect X-Files episode to me. The “monster” is so despicable but fascinating to watch. You can tell that Mulder and Scully love and trust each other completely and it doesn’t matter whether it’s platonic love or not. They’re so important to each other that it doesn’t even need a definition. There are other, more unique episodes of the X-Files that I love and that are possibly better episodes from an objective standpoint (as if that’s possible for TV), but to me Pusher is the episode that best encapsulates everything I love about classic X-Files.
I had not heard about Skinner and CSM but I welcome them with open arms so long as Chris Carter behaves himself. I think a new conspiracy would be wonderful, especially with the best writers at the helm. I am so excited about this mini-series. I am filled with hope and happiness. If nothing else, I will be happy about rewatching everything (well, almost everything–there are episodes that I flat out refuse to watch again, Jersey Devil I’m looking at you) because it brings back so many warm and fuzzies.
I have so many feels, you guys. So many feels.
My social life in high school revolved completely between choir and X-Files. A group of us had X-Files parties every Friday night that routinely lasted into the wee hours of the morning. Those parties must have been the equivalent of, I don’t know, sports teams or homecoming court or student council or yearbook or something. I’m still friends with all of them. The X-Files parties grew into Saturday night all-ages ska shows and all-night sci-fi binges and first loves and tremendous jealousies and fights and forgiveness and teenage awkwards and I honestly have a really really hard time watching several of the early seasons because it just brings back so much.
So yes I am excited and it’s possible that some of us will be getting together for an X-Files party when the new episodes air, with our new husbands and wives and old, old memories.
Also, paging CleverManka – I was so inspired by your awesomely old clothes post last (?) week that I went out this weekend and bought a pair of Real Doc Martens. I’m still breaking them in, but they’re wonderful and I’m glad I decided to treat myself. 😀
Yay! Color? Height? Style?
REAL DOCS ARE THE BEST
I got my first pair recently; I was doubtful that they would be that amazing, but I was 100% wrong and they really are that amazing.
Hah, I spent the first weeks of this year breaking in my first pair of Docs, feeling about 20 years too old for it, but it was what I could find that fit and I’m quite happy with them.
Kitty thread? Kitty thread.
No pictures this time round, but Bonny is chittering away in the window, staring at birds.
And I got woken up at 4 this morning by the unmistakeable sound of a cat vomiting, only I can’t find the vomit anywhere, which is concerning.
Saffron does that every so often, it is often followed a day or so later by a hairy poo so I think it’s not-quite-hairballs.
The juxtaposition of those two photos is a thing of beauty. Also, Captain looks so serious/thoughtful; what are your worries, Captain?
Captain’s worries were that I have a new camera and have been taking endless photos of them while I try to use all the features and work out what they all do instead of just pointing and shooting and wasting all the cameraness.
Also if I knew how to make spirally hypnotoad eyes in photoshop I would give him some because I think he wants them.
Here is Langdon being Langdon:
Gotta love those phantom vomits.
I took this video, but you can’t hear her chittering 🙁
https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=101526900708…
You CAN hear my voice with its faint Norfolk accent, however!
And unfortunately, you can probably only see it if you’re a friend of mine or my husband on facebook
Oh, phantom vomiting noises are the worst.
Here is Oliver looking very pleased with his choice of pillow
And Asa showing off her lovely toe beans
OMG OUR CATS ARE TWINSIES
down to the asymmetrical chin stripe and dubious expression
Oh my goodness, they are! Asa even has the same white hourglass on her tummy!
Ugh, we had phantom vomits this morning too.
The cats are adjusting to each other! They are now eating their nightly wet foods just on either side of their baby gate, each within 6″ or so of the barrier. They still hiss but it’s pretty half-hearted. I hold out hope of co-grooming in the future.
Kismet likes to sit in the dining room and watch me cook (I don’t eat meat so I assume she’s just there for the company)
Moxie likes watching me cook too, but prefers I pull the chair up next to me so he can periodically grab my elbow and make me show him what I’m holding so he can inspect it. He usually doesn’t want to eat it, he just wants to do some QA or something.
Bram attempting to nap through surprise company (the neighbors’ sweet dumb golden retriever who just loves our yard)
Moxie, looking shocked and offended
He’s also currently chattering at the birds out the window.
Moxie is amazing and I always love your photos of him. He has the most expressive cat face I think I’ve ever seen.
Sometimes I look at him when he’s staring at me with his weird Gollum eyes and I can’t help cracking up at his little face. I only feel a little bad for it.
I quite often laugh my ass off at Saffron because she looks like a goblin who’s been hit in the face with a frying pan.
That is a perfect photo.
Here’s Dolly judging me for paying attention to my laptop and not her fully:
Bug senses its spring:
My girlfriend had to work late earlier this week, so Chetta and I had a movie night–we watched A Cat in Paris, which is about a cat who is a beloved pet during the day, and a jewel thief’s assistant by night.
I think it gave her ideas.
She definitely looks like she’s considering a new career.
Yes, good!
I Used My Words last week and we had a lovely date Sunday night and just watched basketball (I’m a Duke fan, he hates all NC schools – we live in NC, FYI – and so he was trying to get me to betray my BFF who went to Duke by cheering for Gonzaga) and went out for Vietnamese and I am rather smitten. He warned me that this was going to be a crazy busy week at work, but I’m still sad that I have not heard from him. Like, basically at all. (A barely-there response to a text I sent him, that’s it.) My gut says he’s just busy and I’m used to slacker dudes who don’t have real jobs (also, my BFF says this and she has both great taste and a good read on people) but my whiny brain wants to hear from him.
This was for the online dating thread but my computer is the devil.
Oh good!!!! I know you were so worried last week, I am glad that Your Words worked and things sound positive to me!!
I was, haha! And then the date was just as relaxed and fun as the first one and he just keeps making me laugh, and he holds my hand just right, you know?
Hey, Reporter Toasties! I have a vague question I’d like help on. I just started my graduate course in magazine editing and we will be working on one story for the whole term. By next week, we need to come in with our story idea. The instructor (who is an amazing woman I’ve been internet stalking all morning) gave the advice to start with what you know/like and branch out from there. I’ve been looking through my FB and Instagram feeds for anything that screams “magazine story!” but am really not sure at all what I’m doing. So, I guess my question is: How do you find the kernel of information to start?
That sounds like a fantastic project and as a low-level magazine editor I have to say it sounds like your instructor is doing God’s Work by assigning it. The way that I find interesting stories, is weird. I work for a niche magazine so I’ll actually do a Google news search on specific terms related to my magazine. It pulls up not just obvious, major nation news, but small-town newspaper articles as well. Sometimes you see a topic that really grabs your eye and forces you to dig deeper and deeper. Think about a topic you love, just go down the Google/wikipedia rabbit hole, and go with your gut as to what sounds interesting to you. It sounds completely mad, but it can work, at least for my little niche world. This really does sound like SO MUCH FUN, too.
Thank you! This is very helpful. I am excited about the whole class, but I’m one who needs the initial push out of the nest. To the Wiki!
Glad to help! Just remember, whatever you find interesting will make the project easier and the results better. Also, chances are that if you think something is interesting, others will as well. Good luck and happy writing!
Is it possible for someone to rarely shower and not smell? Because I think my roommate showers like once a month, but I don’t think she smells.
We’ve lived together since October. At some point I realized that I almost never hear the shower running. It’s maybe once or twice a month. She stays up really late so I thought maybe she was showering at 4 AM or something when I’m asleep and wouldn’t hear it, but she’s also had the same half-empty bottles of soap, shampoo, and conditioner in the shower since we moved in. We’re fine as roommates but not close, so it’s not something I can ask her about. I’m just very curious. Is it possible she only showers once or a twice a month? Does her sweat just not smell?
Also it is snowing here today, but it’s just around freezing so it’s very slushy wet snow. It’s terrible. Especially since it barely snowed at all in March. This was supposed to be over by now!
WEIRD. Does she go to the gym? Maybe she showers there?
Nope!
Yes, this is possible. Everyone’s got a different body chemistry and showers are more important for some people than others.
For example, I knew a guy who showered regularly and always smelled like wet garbage. The shower actually usually made it worse!
hmmm it could be! Some people’s sweat doesn’t smell as much, especially in colder months if they’re not sweating a lot.
However I had a lot of fun coming up with other options-
1. She’s dry-washing in some way (rags? wet wipes?)
2. She’s using your soap.
I thought about her using my soap, but the volume isn’t decreasing at the rate it would for two people using it. Also, I’ve found in the past that when people think you won’t notice if they use your stuff, they also think you won’t notice if they leave bottles open and caps off and don’t put things back where you had them.
I shower once or twice a week. My husband says I don’t smell, and in fact he is often surprised when I tell him that I haven’t showered in __ number of days. I think many people shower less than the say they do.
A good friend of mine in high school showered maybe once a week but always smelled great. I could only tell that she never showered because her hair would get greasy (and then I would yell at her to shower because we were really close and also maybe sleeping together by that point).
For the record, I shower literally every single day and always have, so I was also bemused by her.
I have been on painkillers for a solid week and I’m so very tired of being stoned all the time. I can hear myself being stoned when I talk and can’t stop. And my stupid jaw won’t go back into its stupid place so I can stop being stupid stoned.
On the plus side: sex while on the muscle relaxants is pretty great. So there’s that.
Have you already seen a chiropractor? Mine got my jaw back right away after a very tall teenager kicked me in karate class. I hope you feel better soon (but the sex is a great way to see the silver lining?)
Denver Toasties!
I’m coming to your city for a week on Thursday. I’ll have a lot of free time while my friend’s at work, so I need things to do. I’ve been to Denver before, but I usually just end up aimlessly walking around parks and The Tattered Cover. What else can I do during the day?
I haven’t lived in Denver since 2009, but some of my info might still be solid:
Molly Brown House
Denver Art Museum
Colorado History Museum
Self-Guided Jack Keroac tour (he used to live there and there were several bars he famously patronized that are still operating)
Wash Park/Bonnie Brae neighborhood
Pearl St neighborhood (near DU)
REI flagship store
Eleventy billion coffee shops (Mercury Cafe, St. Mark’s, Stella’s, Kaladi Bros, etc) but no longer Paris on the Platte *wipes away tear*
Eleventy billion hipster bars (Atomic Cowboy, Irish Snug, etc)
Chipotle flagship (I went to DU and I will never ever renounce Chipotle)
Further afield:
Boulder
Coors Brewery tour
Belmar shopping district
Ft Collins and New Belgium Brewery (need advance reservations for the tour though)
Garden of the Gods
Hope you have a great trip! Also hope the weather is good…
GUYS I know you’ve done this about a thousand times, but I finally got it together and am on Twitter and want to follow all of you and talk about Animorphs and Idris Elba and other wonderful things! If you wouldn’t mind sharing handles, again?
(I’m always in meetings during open threads, but I have just discovered that I can make the train Twitter time…dangerous.)
Yes! Me too! My twitter is semi-profesh so a bit light on Idris Elba talk, and maybe too heavy on French literature (ha, as if) but here’s my handle: @mfvendetti
What’s yours?
Yay, welcome! This is the official Toastie/Friends Of Toastie Twitter list as maintained by @embryoconcepts!
I am @elyseexplosion, feel free to join our ranks!!
Oh, what? Dang I didn’t know this list existed.
Me neither.
Just gonna follow everyone, I think? My twitter feed is pretty boring, no sense being picky.
oops no, too many. Am going ot have to do this in stages I guess
Thanks for re-posting. I’ve been off Twitter for Lent, but looking forward to re-engaging next week after Easter. I love Jesus wholeheartedly, and I’m glad I’ve taken a Twitter break, but I miss my Toastie Twitter friends. <3
I love a twitter thread! I am @literarysara and post mostly about food and books.
Ooh, Animorphs — there needs to be more Animorphs discussion in the world (my mother just THREW OUT my books, as apparently they hadn’t been read in 18 years…)
I’m @raquinsey — same as here!
I have no idea but @neonchick77
Yay! I’m a bit light on social media at the moment while dealing with RL stuff, but I usually tweet tons about nerdy fandom stuff and social justice and intersections thereof. I’m @ceeemstone
hi! I’m @erpurc. I feel like I used to use it for professional stuff all the time and now it’s all cats and dumb jokes, that is cool, join me in talking about cats and books and whatever.
I’m @ppyajunebug (surprise surprise)
I am @gripyfish, here as well as on Twitter!
Yay! I just started Twitter recently, too. I’m @RuBeksCube!
YAY, thanks everybody! My twitter handle is my actual name, because I do not plan ahead, but I will be the person adding Toastie follows left and right. 🙂
Oh yay, I love following Toasties on twitter. I’m @constancegrady.
I am @elitzan however, I am very rarely atwitter these days.
@gyip!
I am here to learn. Please help me. I was confused about reporting on Monday’s NSA incident:
“Authorities released Hall’s identity in a statement…Hall and the man in the car with him were dressed as women at the time of the crash, “but not in an attempt to disguise themselves from authorities,” the statement said.”
The article referred to the two people in the car as men. I wonder, was that proper? They were not in disguise. Would it be more respectful to call them transwomen? Or would that be presumptuous, without consulting them? One is dead, the other hospitalized and perhaps unavailable for comment. Do their driver licenses tell the reporter how to refer to them respectfully? Or does their choice of presentation (clothing)?
If I were the reporter, what would be the most respectful way for me to refer to these two people? Not saying the actual reporter was wrong. Asking for sensitivity training for myself. Thank you.
I don’t know anything about this story, but in my view the best practice is to find out from the person how they identify. If, as you say, that’s not possible, it might be possible to find out from loved ones. If even that’s not possible, my opinion is that the reporter’s best option is to a) choose something, b) not sensationalize any aspect of the person’s gender, and c) be open to changing (with apology/correction, possibly) how they refer to this person if and when new information comes to light. I’d also suggest using gender-specific words as lightly as possible to minimize the impact in any case. The quote you offer doesn’t give enough information to conclude anything about how this person identifies.
Thank you so much for responding. There was nothing more in the article about how the two identified themselves. I just wondered if the “men” default was appropriate. The reporter did nothing more with gender than the pull quote indicates, so I guess they kept to your guidelines. Again, thank you. You’re helping me learn.
Toasties. It’s been a rough week. My niece was diagnosed with a chromosomal disorder, which sucks. It’s a fairly rare one, and I don’t want to go into too many details, but the range of effects of this thing are massive – anywhere from ‘sometimes it’s just like ADHD’ to ‘some people never progress intellectually past toddler stage.’ So. I don’t know. My sister and brother-in-law have been on the ball dealing with this, and my Mother-in-law is an OT, so she has spoken with them about the whole situation (her specialty is childhood development). So it’s not been great.
Toasties, tell me some happy stories please, I can use them.
If you haven’t read this yet, then I highly recommend it. It’s made my whole week a lot better.
Lots of good thoughts to your niece and your whole family!
I’m really sorry to hear about your rotten news – it sounds like she’s a lucky duck to have great parents and a great grandma.
Happy news – the story of the man whose stolen cell phone turned up in China (and the resultant friendship) was pretty lovely. Also, I am planning a three-brunch weekend punctuated by a visit to the National Archives. Rumor has it there’s an exhibit on the Puritans. Also, Easter candy will be on sale by Monday morning, so that’s good news!
Oh, no, what a horrible thing to deal with. I don’t know that I can come up with a happy story, but have some happy-making gifs.
I’m really sorry to hear that! I don’t know if you wanted totally unrelated happy stories, but I have a rare genetic disorder with a similar range of outcomes, AND a brother with multiple disabilities (but not my disorder–he just happened to have a stroke in utero) and I am here typing on the Toast to reassure you. It sounds like your niece’s family are all going to be there to advocate for her needs, whatever those end up being, and based on my experience with my brother and working in special education for a couple of years, that is the single most important thing to determining the quality of life of everyone involved. It’s ridiculously hard work sometimes, but that’s why it will be so good for your sister and brother-in-law (and niece!) to have you and your mom on their side.
I don’t want to imply that you shouldn’t be feeling sad about this right now, but please hold onto the fact that this will become the new “normal.” Do my parents sometimes wish the routines that are absolutely essential to caring for my brother could just go away? Of course. But we don’t spend every day wishing things were different either. Sometimes I even forget that my brother’s non-verbal, and always will be. (He communicates with a special program on an iPad now, after exclusively signing until his first assistive technology device when he was 8…it’s amazing.)
Anyway, all my best to you and your family!
Dog thread!
Arya loves coffee a little too much:
Dog thread!
This is what my Lily is doing at this exact moment. She is so blissfully strung out now that it is warm and her out door rug is dry. She has a little separation anxiety and usually does not like to be alone in the backyard but she has been out there for over an hour. Yay spring!
Tuva taking a snow bath:
She is hella cute, but isn’t caffeine really bad for dogs?
We don’t let her really drink the coffee (although she did steal a bunch from my mom once) but instead let her lick some of the milk foam left over (and just a little).
Lol sorry to concern hulk in on your dog picture! She is so cute I could not stop myself from checking on her lil heart.
Oh no worries at all! Thank you for the concern. There are all sort of weird things they shouldn’t eat that I didn’t realize before owning dogs. Like I guess raisins / grapes are super toxic to them, which I had no idea about.
Hello fellow corgi owner! I have never mastered img src, but here’s my most recent photo of Winnie, from last weekend. She was looking at me adoringly/pathetically as I was packing to leave for Amsterdam for 5 days.
In the Rijksmuseum in Amsterdam, I saw this guy in one of the 17th century Dutch galleries. Had to restrain myself from petting him.
Aw, that is such a pathetic look.
My Trixie has found a new favorite spot in my office. We’re still working on getting her to stay inside her bed all day (or at least not bark and clients) but we’ve been together less than two months so I figure it will just take more time.
CORGI!!!!! Aren’t they just the sweetest little pigdogs?
Unemployed toasties, I’m sending you all my love. The market where I live is so shitty and I have no energy left and just feel like curling up in fetal position and crying, and I hope you are all doing better.
HOWEVER I finally picked up Your Money or Your Life to read after numerous recommendations (the updated kindle version), and it hit me that my reluctance to apply to certain jobs was solely based on what others would think of me. That came as a shock — I have a buzzed head for heaven’s sake, and I’m worried about a silly title on my LinkedIn profile? So now I’m happily applying for positions “beneath” me, because after my crazy high-stress job in tech I WANT A BREAK. I want something that doesn’t make me work 12 hrs a day and stay on call on weekends, even if it pays much much less. Yay for valuing life energy over status!
Good for you!
I got out of IT not quite twenty years ago because it was killing my joy (see the other comment thread about people who are good at their job but not terribly ambitious). I’m just now making as an admin in 2015 what I made as an IT consultant in 1995 but my life is so much more peaceful.
Free weekends are amazing — also, remember that titles are so fluid and rather meaningless.
I had my fanciest title ever when I was a part time receptionist
Open Thread, I’ve missed you! Last week I was at a conference in Portland (OR, not ME) and it was warm and sunny in a way that made this warm-weather-deprived New Yorker hope for spring for the first time in what felt like ages. And some friends and I went to a restaurant and had a fantastic dinner and drank the first rosé of the season, because spring is also the optimal time for pink wine. And today it’s ALMOST warm enough for short sleeves.
In other news, I went to the Metropolitan Opera’s National Council Auditions concert two weeks ago and watched a bunch of terrifyingly gifted young singers compete for fame and glory, and this weekend I’m seeing Verdi’s Ernani. I feel like lots of operagoing is a good way to celebrate spring — though I also feel like it’s a good way to celebrate summer, fall, and winter.
Very jealous!! I’m a huge opera fan and would love to see the auditions live sometime. (I did see the documentary about them that came out a few years ago).
I loved the production of Ernani that the Met did last year, with Angela Meade- I saw the HD broadcast of that. Have fun!
Hello Toasties! I have a silly and kind of personal question. Do any of y’all (who feel comfortable sharing) have experience with discovering surprise!bisexuality in or after your 20s? I am 23 and in a long-term heterosexual relationship and have recently sort of gone, Oh! That is new, and now I am not really sure what to do with this information. I hypothetically believe in these things being really fluid, but it is still confusing to process how that principle applies to my life.
So, my questions:
(1) Have any of y’all experienced your orientation/gender identity/anything in that realm just sort of…changing? How did you decide what that meant in your life?
(2) Probably this is mostly a question for other bi toasties, but how do you decide whether/how you belong in queer spaces? I sort of want to explore more of them, but it seems really difficult to hit the right note when my situation is, “Hi, I am a woman dating a man, but like girls are really interesting probably, but I have never dated a woman and am not in a position to do so right now.”
Sorry if this is a bit on the validation-seeking side. I just have kind of a lot of questions and would love to hear about your related experiences or advice.
Oh hi! My personal experience is of recognizing it in my early twenties, taking until my mid-twenties to know what to call it, and taking until my late twenties to do anything about it. But I was dating a man when I realized, “Oh, hey, this is called bisexual, that’s probably what I am.” I think my saving grace was that I didn’t feel a strong urge to do much about it right away. I sat with it for a while. I was a late bloomer and I’m a slow processor.
I have a moderately girly presentation, so even when I’m with a woman, I tend to feel a bit out of place in some queer spaces. But maybe you could ease into it a bit by spending time in some low-stakes queer spaces. Go grab a drink at happy hour at the local lesbian bar, rather than making yourself spend an entire night there or something. Go to a queer-centric art open house (where you can wander around and interact on your own terms) rather than making yourself join the local lesbian book club (where the interaction would be very focused). Know what I mean?
And maybe it sounds weird, but you don’t have to necessarily *do* anything about this new truth. It can just be a thing you know about yourself. Working at your own pace and slowly processing your thoughts and feelings doesn’t mean you’re denying an essential truth, it just means it requires time and self-patience.
Echoing every. single. word of this.
Thirding, especially this: you don’t have to necessarily *do* anything about this new truth. It can just be a thing you know about yourself. Brilliant.
I’ve known I was bi since I was in my teens, but I didn’t have language for it until college, and then I didn’t have the courage for it until my mid-twenties. I’ve noticed as the years go by, I’m more and more attracted to women in general and as whole people. Most of the men I’m attracted to (besides the Burgomaster), it’s more of an “I’d hit that” feeling. Pretty sure there’s not many guys out there I’d be interested in dating if something happened to the Burgomaster. ‘Cept for Tom Hiddleston. Any and all exceptions could and would be made for Hiddleston.
I’ve known I was bi since I was in my teens, but I didn’t have language for it until college
this is me and my gender identity. I never felt I was trans, since I feel comfortable as a woman, but it took a tumblr post about being bigender to realize I would feel comfortable as a man too.
This is the third comment I’ve made about it today, but I’m just so excited about discovering things about my brain and feelings!!!
That is fantastic!!! Isn’t it lovely to finally have some of the pieces put into place?
This is great advice
I think it’s totally fine to go to to queer spaces as a bisexual or possibly bisexual woman dating a man. Queer spaces are good places to make friends and talk to people who’ve had similar experiences.
I didn’t really recognize my bisexuality until I was in my mid 20s. I had inklings in high school – I had a lot of thoughts about certain people that I dismissed by going ‘but I’m not gay’ – but I don’t think I was really ready to accept it until a few years ago when I was living in a city with a fairly active bi community group. I didn’t attend any of their meetings, just followed them on Twitter, but it was all very helpful for me.
As for what to do with it… well, just having that knowledge about myself has been useful. It’s meant that I’ve opened my eyes to possibilities that I didn’t necessarily let myself think about before. I don’t necessarily have to pursue them – I’m pretty content being single, so I haven’t been pursing anything – but knowing that I could if I wanted is freeing.
And you do belong in queer spaces! We are more than who we date… if you were single, you’d belong, right? But do look for bi-friendly spaces. My queer spaces are all online because where I live right now is pretty lacking in that arena and it took a little while for me to find places that legitimately welcomed bi women.
Yeah, I realized I was bi when I was 22 and fell in love with a woman — it hit me hard and fast, which made recognizing my identity fairly easy.
She and I didn’t work out, and I’ve dated primarily men for the past five years, it’s hard to be as visible as I want to be. Like, my homophobic father-in-law doesn’t know how I identify (I do need to drop that on him, preferably after he makes some awful remark).
In terms of meeting people, just be out and honest about who you are — I’ve found that I’ve been able to develop a fairly strong friend group of bi women, based on us having that in common and working from there — it make it easier to meet new people
I am 25, have been with my boyfriend for 6 years, and just came out (including to myself) as probably-bisexual last year. I had been thinking about it, on and off, probably for about 12 years, but I never quite felt able to articulate it. You are not alone – it is confusing, and I’m not always sure how to handle it. In terms of what it means in my life, I’m letting myself be more open about attraction to women, and not act like it doesn’t exist.
Re. queer spaces, I’m lucky in that a lot of people I know are bisexual, and they’re all really understanding about the confusion element, and welcoming of me being in that sort of space. I have been to one LGBT event at my university, and am just trying to remind myself that I have a place there too, but also that having only been in a relationship with a man means I should accept that other people are likely to have had more overtly homophobic experiences than me, and I experience a lot of privilege. (Although biphobia is also a thing, of course.)
just wanted to chime in to say yes, orientation & “identity” can change, and also, you don’t have to worry too much about finding the right identity for who & how you are. It’s only a recent cultural development that we all felt a need to find an identity and then “come out” about it; there is a long history of people having different erotic and sexual relationships with people of different genders and just considering them as “actions they had taken,” not “identities they had transitioned between”. You know?
There doesn’t have to be a label or a public confession of “who you are,” unless you want that. Sometimes rigidly defined labels keep you from having certain experiences or from understanding and recognizing experiences you’re having — even if those same labels are effective in the political arena.
I realized I was bisexual (specifically bi-demi-sexual, if that’s a thing and homoromantic) like two years ago. I literally just realized I was some flavor of bigender too about a month ago (I actually made a post about it somewhere on this page). I grew up in a pretty liberal family with some gay relatives, but it took me 19 years to sort of figure out my sexual orientation and 21 for my gender identity. I’m still kinda working it out though. Sometimes words and labels are good for helping us sort through our own thoughts and feelings and leading us to a community, but sometimes they are confusing!
OH! I almost posted a similar question, because this past weekend, after several years of at least recognizing, if not always being out about, the fact that I am attracted to women, I made out with a man and found it surprisingly enjoyable. I have never been in a long-term relationship with anyone, but up until this point all of my romantic/physical flings have been with other women.
So I guess what I have to say is a) I’m still really confused about my whole situation but b) fluid/changing sexual attraction is a thing that happens. So I’m trying not to treat the fact that maybe I’m closer to the middle of the Kinsey scale than I had previously believed as anything earthshattering.
As someone who has never been in a “real” relationship though, I share some of your anxieties about queer spaces. I have no real advice to contribute, I just wanted to express solidarity on that front!
Yes, hello! I’m 26, and I just started identifying as bi a few months ago. I don’t think I was closeted before when I was identifying as straight, I was just going on my best guess at the time. About a year ago I started feeling like straight wasn’t quite the right fit, and finally some recent crushes tipped me over into the “no, this is not a phase or a one-off, I’m into ladies sometimes” camp and I started thinking bi was the right way to describe myself.
I’m still a little unsure about where I belong in queer spaces. It’s not that I think I don’t belong, but I’m in the habit of visiting those spaces as an outsider, and I think it’ll take my self-perception a little longer to catch up.
For the record I’ve also known this to happen in reverse–some of my friends have gone from identifying as gay to identifying as bi. Sexuality is A. fluid and B. confusing, and that’s totally normal!
I’m planning to reply to you all individually a little later, but I just wanted to say thanks for all of the exquisite advice/encouragement/commiseration. Y’all are the absolute best, and I’m so grateful to have a place to talk about this stuff with such thoughtful people.
I realized I was bi last summer at age 25 after dating a man for 5 years. I haven’t dated any women yet, but I’ve found that no one really asks questions when I show up in queer spaces. I feel like, in my experience, queer people get it more than anyone that coming out is hard, figuring yourself out is hard, and are willing to accept you as you are. Maybe hold off on going to anything that says it’s exclusively for queer people for a minute, but a lot of queer community stuff is open to allies anyway. Just showing up was a huge deal for me in figuring myself out.
Bisexuality hit me literally overnight when I was 23.
I am new here and have never done this before, but I am compelled. A week or so ago I encountered a mystery that I fear will haunt me my entire life. It must be shared.
Tuesday night. I’m sitting in my ground floor apartment, writing and generally getting my history on. Around, oh, 2300-ish, there comes a sound like someone trying to get into the front of the building and failing miserably. (Background. I live in a massive house that has been split into apartments. Essentially nothing has been changed in it since 1904 and so the front entry has this little vestibule thing that butts out onto the porch. The door to the vestibule is never locked, but the door between it and the interior proper is.) I ignore the sounds and how freaked out my dog is because a) I am in the writing zone and b) I am lazy.
Cut to 0400 or so in the morning. I go to take the dog out. Inside the vestibule I find one man’s cheap leather slip-on shoe (the left one) on the bench, a very large grey bra on the floor, half lying inside and half on the porch, and a mass of fluorescent hot pink vomit by the door.
I’ve tried to pull a Sherlock and deduce what happened from the clues, but all I can come up with is that someone apparently had one hell of aTuesday night.
Occam’s Razor!
I am only commenting here to note your excellent choice of username.
I second this.
I aspire to live up to it every day.
Oh my gooooodnesssss. I share that story with everyone I know.
This refers to the Matt and Bro Orange story above. Reply fail.
I’m trying to make everyone I know read it because IT’S SO GOOD and it’s the Internet as a force for good and F R I E N D S H I P
Hi guys, kind of on the vein of the Things Men at My Tech Job Have Said To Me post earlier, I need advice about a man at my science job. I started here in August, becoming the second person in my department. The other person in my apartment is the guy who said the meeting facilitator was “not good girlfriend material”. This guy has issues with women, to say the least. I’m beginning to realize that he expects me to be his subordinate. It’s true that he’s been there for years and I just started, but none of our bosses have given any hint that that was what was expected and one has explicitly said that’s NOT how he wants it to be.
My question is, he’s taken to asking me to do little things that are so small I can’t really protest, but at the same time they position me practically in a role as his assistant, like sending out the invites for meetings that he’s organizing, or he’ll say “oh, can you email Jane and John and tell them this.” or doing photocopies. We’re expected to be pretty autonomous and we work with very little oversight so I’m very sure our boss would not appreciate me complaining about who should have sent Jane that email, but I’m new and we have to work very closely and he’s an oversensitive man-child so I don’t want to tell him to fuck off with his request directly. Any idea how to refuse these requests without setting off a sulk fest?
Polite, firm, composed, and act as if there’s no earthly way he could possibly argue with you. (Helps to practice ahead of time.)
For things that he could clearly do himself:
“Do you not know how to email/photocopy?”
(He will counter that he doesn’t have time.)
“You have exactly the same amount of time that I have. And I have my own responsibilities. These are yours. If you’re having trouble managing your time, I can recommend some good books on the topic for you.”
For things that might ostensibly be more like favors but that you don’t want to do, like the invitations for the meeting:
“Did you not give yourself enough time to take care of all the details for that meeting?”
Never accusatory. Never insulting. Light tone. Just always imply that the only reason he could POSSIBLY be asking you to do these things for him is that he is incompetent at his job. Which he is.
I adore ‘did you not give yourself enough time to take care of all the details for that meeting?’!!! I can imagine someone saying it in a half-bored half-wondering half-pitying way — the kind of voice you would use for a fussy animal you’re not interested in. And it would be such an ego-crush b/c it’s basically ‘how incompetent are you?’ but wrapped up in a patronising voice. It’s beautifully non-confrontational and gloriously insulting.
It’s a variant of my strategy for clients who question my rates. “Oh, I see. Do you not have the budget for a project of this size?”
Suddenly we’re not arguing about whether or not I should charge less. Now we’re arguing about whether he should have enough money to pay for the services he wants.
Never, ever argue with a man about whether you should do what he wants. Just flip the conversation to why he wants you to do it in the first place, and imply that the only possible reason he should want you to do that thing is that he is failing at life and needs mommy to come rescue him.
Male ego generally takes care of it from there.
“Oh that’s not hard. Let me show you how to do it.”
If he’s asking, you can refuse 🙂
How about something like “I’m so sorry, I can’t, I’m in the middle of this right now, maybe ask me tomorrow.”
And then of course start asking him to do YOU favors, see how he responds, and try quoting him back to himself?
DEFINITELY ask him to do minor shit for you.
Oh, that’s hard. I’m really tempted to suggest you reply with “oh, do you not know how to use the photocopier? I can show you, if you’re having trouble.” But that is not actually a good idea.
What happens if he asks you to make photocopies and you tell him you’re swamped and aren’t going to have time today? If you’re always busy he might give up. Otherwise, you might have to have a larger conversation. Something like: “hey, I’ve noticed you’ve been asking me to do a lot of administrative tasks. I wanted to let you know that I’m going to have to focus on my own work, since Boss has made it clear that’s the priority. I know it can be hard to make time for that stuff, but since we don’t have an assistant, I think it would be best for us each to handle our own admin tasks.”
Here is an Ask A Manager post that might be useful.
“I don’t want people to be confused about who’s leading the meeting — it’s probably best for you to send them out yourself.”
“I’m in the middle of something right now, sorry. Do you need Jane’s email address?”
“I’m in the middle of something — those copies will get done faster if you do them yourself.”
“I don’t want people to be confused about who’s leading the meeting” is a work of staggering genius.
I definitely think starting with these tactics is a good idea! There’s time to escalate later.
2 Hours later and I’m on page 17 of AAM 🙂 Hello weekend project!
In my opinion, this is a huge problem … he is treating you exactly like an administrative assistant, not as a fellow scientist. And I got so angry when I read this, that I’m afraid my response might border on rage-filled grizzly bear looking for throats to rip out.
A passive aggressive route is to say “let me look at my schedule. I have time in three days to send out a meeting invite. You might want to ask < another male co-worker > because I think he has more of a grasp on when < Judy and Albert > have times open … oh, are you just having problems with the software, do you not know how to use it? Because there’s this great blog < make something up > that has sort of remedial education classes on this sort of thing. I know my grandmother used it when she was trying to figure out Google Mail. I know that older people sometimes need step by step instructions, and more explanations, than us younger folk. You know, because younger folk adapt better to new technology.” And you can go on and on with this sort of thing, although how derogatory you get is a choice, but … it’s important to use a sincere voice, as if you’re * concerned * about his inability to use office software.
Or … : “I can show you … some tricks I’ve learned with < meeting software, as if he’s having trouble with it > … I really need to concentrate on my < actual work >, I’m not good at multi-tasking with setting up meetings and it’s kind of a time-suck to be honest.”
Otherwise, I’d go with the schedule thing as first route, telling him everything you’re doing, that is more * relevant to your actual skill set *.
You should not, for the love of god, be making copies for this man-child or setting up his meetings. Me personally, though, I’d just say “No” and go back to work. If he asked “why not” I’d be quiet for a few minutes and then say “Sorry, were you talking to me? I’m in the middle of something.” I don’t care about the feelings of man-children.
Good luck with this assssssshole.
I love this, also I’m a little bit terrified of you?
IN seriousness? I usually tell women in science that they have to strike a balance between arrogance and intimidation (I fucking know what I’m talking about, no more of this questioning and mansplaining nonsense) and being able to be mentored. In computer science, there’s a lot of subject area knowledge that you have acquire. For instance, as a research scientist, I worked with physicists, physical chemists, electrical engineers, chemists — and I had to speak their language. I learned a lot from informal talks with my colleagues (sometimes over beers at local bars) who had been at the company for years.
On the other hand, I do come across as intimidating. One male colleague told me that I shouldn’t use my height as an intimidation factor. This was confusing, so I asked him how tall he thought I was. He said that I was at least 5’11”. I’m 5’2″. Anyway. I’m 52 years old, short and I’ve had my fill of misogynistic nonsense.
Ah hem.
I love the Toast so much, when I was typing that up I was thinking there was a good chance everyone would tell me I’m overreacting etc., but I should have never doubted. You’re all wonderful.
Oh, and in addition to ANY of the very good strategies posted here: I have found that man-children in general don’t have the faintest idea how to deal with a remote, calm stare. Make your firm statement that you’re not going to do what he wants. Let him protest. Say nothing at all. Look at him like he’s a child throwing a tantrum. Slightly bored, distant, without emotion. Continue to gaze at him until he either escalates to the point that you CAN make a viable complaint to a boss, or gives up and goes away in a huff.
Treat man-children like children. It works.
Beautiful and so true.
There is so much good advice in this thread, and I can’t wait to implement some of it. I’ve had some luck with responding to these sorts of requests with “sorry, I can’t right now” and then absolutely no more explanation, excuses, or follow up. Just get back to work and ignore him. If he then says “oh well, can you do X later, after you finish your task?” the response is “no, I’m sorry I won’t be able to do that” again followed by total silence. If he asks you to SHOW him how to do something, I suppose you could be gracious and do so.
I have two very different questions I’m seeking Toast wisdom on…
1) Bacne. I have it, and I don’t know what to do about it. I have an acne wash (for faces I guess?) that I’ve been trying to use but it’s not working. I don’t want to spend a ton of money on fancy/prescription stuff but I would like it to go away before I start wearing more back-exposing, summer-y clothes.
2) Sandals. What are your favorite comfortable, good quality sandals?? I’ve been considering getting a pair of the “fancier” looking Birkenstocks but are they worth it?
FWIW I have been informed that your garden-variety Birkenstocks are apparently Officially In Style right now, and not just for hippies? So I am going to get me some ASAP because I love them but haven’t bought them because my look tends to veer towards earth-muffin more than I want it to either way.
Read more at http://the-toast.net/2015/04/03/cocktail-hour-ope…
I have been informed that your garden-variety Birkenstocks are apparently Officially In Style
Ryan does not approve?
And Manka agrees with him. But hey, whatever floats your fashion boat! I have a lot of … issues … with the state of the feet of most people who wear Birks.
You’re talking to a woman who wears combat boots year-round, though, so my feelings about sandals in general are skeptical at best. I admit I’ve been eyeing these after seeing a woman on campus wearing them last week, though.
boot solidarity *fist bump*
I’ve owned a lot of Born sandals and they are incredibly, wildly comfortable. I had a pair with like a 3 1/2-inch heel that were so comfortable, it was like nothing. I wore those suckers while working retail and on my feet eight hours a day and never so much as a twinge of pain. Walked all over the place. Very comfortable and they wear really well.
Yes, LOVE the Born sandals. I’ve worn them into the ground.
I really love the Taos Trophy. Once I discovered it I bought two more pairs just because the last time I loved a sandal this much they stopped making it and my heart was sad.
Ooo cute! thanks! And I feel you, I tend to stock up on jeans the same way.
You want to treat acne with something that does not slip off your skin and down your drain. Rub on benzoyl peroxide, salicylic acid (at proper 3 to 4 pH), or other known effective treatment and let it stay there. Your drug store has applicators that can help you reach, if necessary. They are sold to the elderly for applying lotion to their backs.
And back-exposing clothes will help. Get that skin some fresh air and a moderate amount of sunlight.
And pay attention to what that skin touches at night. 100% cotton is OK if there is no chance you’ll sweat. Silk is better.
Thank you! This is great info.
If you exercise/sweat regularly you might try showering before the sweat soaks in to your skin too much. Or at least buy some of those face cleansing wipes and try to wipe off (your face and back) before you cool down…
I bought these for that 1,200 mile pilgrimage and they were so comfortable and I wore them all the damn time and I am still wearing them. Cannot recommend highly enough. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B003VPA66O/ref=o…
1,200 miles! That is quite an endorsement. Can I ask what sort of pilgrimage it was? (A few of my friends have done el Camino de Santiago.) Thanks!
Oh yeah, I wrote about it a lot in past open threads so I just sort of assume everyone knows what I’m on about. It’s called the Via Francigena, and it goes from Canterbury to Rome.
Seconding Tevas, they are the gr8st
I have these flip-flops by Teva, and they’re the greatest flip-flops ever. I have wide arches (not really flat, but close) and narrow toes/heels and these work great. Sandals are tricky to fit properly
http://www.amazon.com/Teva-Womens-Olowahu-Sandal-…
Born makes sandals I love. Super durable too. I wear sandals about 95% of the year and for every occasion and I LOVE my born sandals. Jambu also makes amazingly comfortable and good looking sandals but I’ve found they’re quality to be deserving of some side-eye for how much they cost.
Thank you! looks like a lot of Born fans in the open thread today!
Birkenstocks last forever. My mom had a pair (still has the pair?) for 25 years. I’ve had mine for 6 and they’re holding up great. I think they’re experiencing kind of a fashion renaissance right now, but I’d warn against getting anything too trendy (colors are tricky) since you may still have them in 2035, you know? Stick to classics.
WOW 25 years! That’s amazing. Yeah some of the ones with floral/bright color straps – they’re cute, but that’s what Old Navy $15 sandals are for. I like some of the different style straps though, not just the two chunky ones.
I think there’s a lot more latitude on the strap styles– and it’s worth trying them on, since the way they’re strapped makes a big difference in comfort. I have really low-volume feet, so the “classic” style doesn’t stay on very well, and got one of the toe-wrapped pairs instead. But then some people hate the toe wrap. It’s personal!
I have the Birkenstock Yaras and I LOVE them. I also love that they look not very Birkenstock-y. They’re comfy and have so far lasted me 3 summers of basically everyday wear.
Yes to the Birks! My profile picture includes my ten-year-old pair and they are still in lovely condition. I believe they still make this exact model as well!
I got a pair of sandals recently from Sofft that I really like. They’re cute and they’re v. comfortable!
Sometimes with bacne it helps to just scrub your back regularly with a brush or one of those scrubby mitts they sell for showers, then moisturize. Your back may not be getting enough friction to shed skin naturally so it is getting clogged up. Scrubbing is amazing for skin renewal.
Good point. It might be worthwhile to rub that area, gently, with your towel when you dry off after a shower.
I have two pairs of birkenstocks that are old enough to drive, and still look great. I have had both of them re-soled and re-corked over the years, and they keep on trucking. Highly recommend. I’m German, so I’m of the opinion that they never go out of style.
For Bacne, I find that applying Neutrogena’s body clear spray after a shower helps a lot. http://www.ulta.com/ulta/browse/productDetail.jsp…
I tried everything for bacne including acne stuff and Phisoderm and neutrogena and the thing that made it stop forever was switching y shower soap to hippie oatmeal soap.
I break out when I’m dry, so sulfate-free washes cleared it up the best for me because they don’t dry out my skin and help keep the oil level more in balance.
Re: Bacne – it is The Worst and sooooo hard to get rid of! I have had it pretty badly since age 12 but finally found a system that works for me, usually. This is what I do: Make sure to wash your body AFTER you shampoo and condition. If you have long hair, buy some claw clips and put your wet, conditioned hair up in the shower so it doesn’t touch your back. I wash my body with Tea Tree Dr. Bronner’s and it’s worked great for me, though it is a bit drying. Black African soap is another really excellent choice for body acne – I think Shea Moisture makes a bar. Personally, I’m willing to pay for products that actually work because drugstore stuff isn’t powerful enough for me, and Paula’s Choice 9% BHA Resist (http://www.paulaschoice.com/shop/collections/Resist-Anti-Aging/_/Resist-BHA-9/) is my HG for pimples. It will zap them (even the painful lump-under-the-skin ones) in just a few days, if you leave them alone and don’t pick or squeeze. It’s on sale right now and you can buy a sample if you want to try it out. I cannot recommend it enough, a little goes a long way so it lasts and it really, really works. Be careful when it comes to exfoliation with a brush or anything abrasive. Heavy exfoliation can cause microtears in the skin and, if your acid mantle is compromised, allow bacteria to move from one area to another and make your breakouts worse. If you have any active pimples, it’s best to wait until they die down before physically exfoliating. Good luck, bacne is such a summer bummer.
Seconding getting your hair and conditioner off that skin! And seconding Paula’s Choice BHA. Her products are always in the correct (effective) pH range.
Oh, I feel you on the bacne. It’s so especially insulting, isn’t it?
Try showering at night, so you don’t sleep on all the dirt and sweat and skin cells you’ve accumulated.
I also find that wearing a soft tank top to bed, cut low front and back, SERIOUSLY cuts down on the breakouts.
Get yourself a bottle of Calamine/Caladryl lotion, dab it onto your breakouts, and let it dry before you put clothes on. Calamine has drying, soothing, antiseptic properties that are really gentle on your skin, and lessen irritation (This has been my new favorite discovery!).
Any Toasties in Dallas/Fort Worth? Scarborough Faire opens this weekend and I’ll be there! If you see the Grichels booth (the leather faces) I’ll be the girl working there. Come say hi!
Last weekend I went to Seattle and had So. Much. Fun. Granted I came back with my friend’s cold that has kept me home from work all week, but it didn’t affect my weekend, so who cares?
I met up with a friend from Idaho, my sick friend who moved away to California 6 weeks ago, and a friend who lives in Seattle and we had all the good sushi and went to all the fun shopping places and then to Emerald City Comicon where my friend did her first ever cosplay in a corset that I made and I did a Kate Bishop cosplay that turned out really well. I got things signed and had fun being around other nerdy people and got to see Alex Kingston and John Barrowman and lots of webcomic people who are awesome. It was totally worth missing last weeks open thread for.
What a fantastic time!
It was truly marvelous. I also now have a cards against humanity card signed by Kelly Sue DeConnick that says “Man Pain”
You guys, I’m worried about Joni!
What’s wrong?
I don’t know! She was found unconscious and is in the hospital, but when I google it’s just think piece articles on Morgellon’s Disease.
*has no idea what to do* I’m so sorry!
Her twitter says she’s improving …
Y’all. I have agreed to let a young man with whom I enjoy occasional, casual hook-ups stay with me Monday and Tuesday night. He will be in town for “work training.” Will this ruin our casual affair? What if I don’t want to hook up while he’s here? I need people to obsess about this with me and all my girlfriends are going to Nicaragua without me.
tell the young man your schedule, imply the solidity of said schedule, express what happens to you with inadequate sleep, and assume you will be sleeping separately (if possible) unless you choose otherwise?
I’m sorry your girlfriends are running away to foreign climes – that sounds lonely.
It will probably be fine! I had a random wedding hookup come back and stay with me for a week once–albeit with a break in the middle when he went to visit friends in the state over–and it was actually really lovely to have him around. I feel like what made this work is (a) he was a good guest generally, tidy and respectful and so forth, and (b) we had clear expectations about scheduling. (Including emotional state. Do either of you anticipate coming home stressed from work? Maybe meet up outside your home and ease into being around each other?) So like, if you’re both nice to each other it may just be a pleasant visit with a smattering of sex if you’re both up for it!
Y’all who have been following my increasing confusion/ alarm/ anxiety over internet drama, I finally got to the bottom of ex-friend’s deal with me.
I just apologized again, and got back a whole letter of Everything That Is Wrong With Me, As A Person, almost indexed and alphabetized in its level of precision. Number one is that I’m bad at apologies, which I kind of also figured out this week from the Toast article. I also tend to assume what people are thinking rather than directly asking them.
It is very tempting to go into full-scale emotional collapse, but since I feel like I’m doing something wrong in my personal relationships anyway, and I’m kind of clueless about this stuff, I’ve decided this is actually the best thing to happen to me in a while. I may actually print out that letter and take it to my therapist and say, this is what I need to work on.
Y’all Toasties who have been following this, sorry I only showed you half the story. Thank you for your support though, since I was very upset and confused and freaked out. It’s just, as it turns out, I was also making everything worse.
Today’s post from you shows advanced-level self-awareness and humility. You are waaaay ahead of most humans. You have gained significant personal growth from this recent/current pain, is my assumption. I am proud to know you.
… I may be tearing up right now. Thanks. Your words are probably too kind but I appreciate them and your support and advice during this.
“I may actually print out that letter and take it to my therapist and say, this is what I need to work on.”
I mean, definitely do that if you think it will be helpful as a focus, but also remember that this is what one person thinks you need to work on, and even if your former friend was the greatest therapist in the history of therapists, that doesn’t mean (a) that these are actually problems you have or (b) that the traits do have that she finds problematic are actually a problem. It took me a long time to realize that the things my stepmom, a life coach specializing in blended families, thought were (…thinks are) wrong with me are actually pretty subjective, and that just because she thinks I’m not good at interacting with people and need to be “fixed” doesn’t make it true. But now I think about all the other people that I know, and I think about how I trust their judgment, and I think about how they seem to like me anyway, and I realize that my stepmom’s opinion is one of many and that just because she feels very strongly about it doesn’t mean she’s right.
tl;dr: Work on what will make you happier about your interpersonal interactions, not what you think will make this jerk happy since clearly nothing will anyway.
I’m trying to think of it as one person’s opinion, but since some of our mutual friends sided with her it’s clearly more than that. But their history with her is longer, and her personality is pretty forceful… so I guess it makes sense for them to look at it from a stop-loss perspective and decide to drop me. Or I’m just the worst, who knows.
In any case, it’s helpful that you bring up the subject of other relationships, because they could admittedly use some of my attention and love right now. Thank you.
Interesting, my mom has a sociology degree and does the same. I’m glad you have friends who are good to you and accept you for who you are.
I absolutely agree with the others – yes, take it and see what your therapist says, but remember: this person is not necessarily right in what she thinks of you. The kind of person who will do shit like make a giant list of a person’s failings is quite possibly not the Queen of Empathy and Awareness, so keep that in mind.
I would be inclined to say, rather than ‘this is what I need to work on’, something like ‘This is what this person thinks, how much of this is valid?’
Queen of Empathy and Awareness, haha, yeah… This person is fascinating to me and always has been. I could never pin down my feelings about her. Sometimes she was nice, very nice even, then she would turn around and do something that was just.. WTF. To other people too, or in general, not just me.
But the specifics of her opinion of me are not off-base, even though they’re negative. In fact it’s sort of devastatingly accurate. So there’s that.
Thank you for your replies to all of this. Your advice has been really helpful.
I think my question would be if her assessment is devastatingly accurate or if it just lines up with what your Jerk-brain is telling you (in which Jerk-brain is the term used for the distressing things we say about ourselves because we [tend to] hold ourselves to unattainable standards)?
Because she might be saying what you think, but what you think might be incorrect.
I agree with Lee. As I’ve learned with abusive spouses, but it can also be applied to narcissistic parents and passively manipulative friendships, “They know what buttons to push, because they installed them”. You seem very willing to let her dictate what’s happening in all this drama, to your own detriment. Jerk-brain is good at lining up with the bad things other people see in us, and needs to be actively resisted, at least in my life.
Friends don’t try and fix you. (The reverse is true too: don’t try to fix your friends.)
+1 to everything foxinthe_snow said above, especially about sending love. i just hope this is closer to some kind of resolution for you. i hope you can be kind to yourself too <3
I just wanted to let you know that the way she is acting is not how people who have our best interests at heart act. It’s not a thing that friends do, to reply to a sincere apology with an itemized list of things they hate about you. I don’t know if taking it to your therapist and suggesting that it lists things you need to work on is going to get the reaction you seem to be expecting (oh ok, sounds good, let’s get started). Your therapist is probably going to want to focus instead on why this person has so much power over you, or why you feel like it’s necessary to fix things with someone who is so hurtful (and who has made some not-very-veiled threats against you!). So be prepared for that.
I’m on an airplane right now and I just paid seven dollars for a respectable fruit and cheese plate. (They called it a “platter.” Cute.) I feel like I got a good deal. It had Beecher’s cheese on it and some apples and grapes, and I normally hate apples and grapes but they tasted nice up here in the sky.
I love planes. I love how everything at the Airport has the prefix “Sky.” SkyLounge. SkyCabin.
Anyway, I’m on a plane and there are no complaints except for this guy next to me. He seems super fun. He’s got a stack of financial papers and magazines and brochures and he keeps ripping pages of them out. He looks sad and stressed. Maybe he needs a fruit and cheese plate.
Was it AlaskaAir? Their in-flight food options are always surprisingly rad for the price.
I was just on AlaskaAir. I almost ordered the fruit platter.
My favorite part of flying is flying on Horizon, where they offer free beer and wine. On my last flight, which was slightly under 2 hours, they came back through the cabin with refills. So I had 2 glasses of wine in less than 2 hours. I was really tipsy when I got home at midnight that night. It was good fun.
I had that experience too recently. Whee!
I love drinking on flights, but the last time I did it (coming back to Boston from Heathrow), I got a terrible headache and even more swollen ankles than usual.
Now hearing my dad’s voice in my head – getting old, it’s not for the faint of heart…
Honestly, I think everybody needs a fruit and cheese plate.
Toasties, tomorrow I embark (at 4 am!!!) on a trip to see my extended family, using my extremely limited vacation time, for an entire week. Although it will not make me happy, it will make my grandmother happy. I have self-soothed with a trip to Sephora. I have re-read the Hairpin’s article on setting boundaries. I have watched several inspirational videos of Canadian hero Sidney Crosby dodging questions about his personal life.
But I don’t wanna gooooo.
several inspirational videos of Canadian hero Sidney Crosby dodging questions about his personal life
I’m sorry you don’t want to go. But this made me nearly choke on my strawberry candy, so, feel good that you have a witty turn of phrase?
It seems to be a less common experience, but I too have a really really hard time dealing with my grandmother, so sending you lots of good luck vibes and wishing you much patience for deep breathing, etc! ¡vaya con dios!
Can someone recommend a riveting true crimes podcast, if such a thing exists?
I really like Criminal! http://thisiscriminal.com/
+1 for Criminal
Also Sword and Scale: http://swordandscale.com/
Yes, Criminal! It’s quickly becoming one of my favorite podcasts, period.
CHICAGO TOASTIES! Tell me about your fair city!
If you had five days of entirely unstructured visiting time while your partner conferenced, what would you do? Where would you eat? Where would you shop? We’re staying downtown in a posh-looking hotel. Husband has food allergies (wheat, eggs, dairy) so any tips on places to eat without him (give me all the gluten) and places to eat with him would be extra appreciated!
I’ll be there the week of April 20th.
Please go here: http://hendrickxbakery.com/
And eat all the things made with gluten.
Oh. my. gluten. This looks like absolutely nirvana.
Once, while staying a block or two away, we walked by on a Sunday morning. The owner was putting a loaf of fresh-baked bread in a small display cabinet they have on the street and it smelled so amazing and the owner was so friendly and welcoming, we followed him right inside.
Now I stop in every time I’m in the city.
Friendly and welcoming bakers are the things my dreams are made of.
Karyn’s restaurants have lots of vegan, gluten-free options! http://www.karynraw.com/
For downtown stuff:
– Absolutely you should bum around the Art Institute. Tip: the cafe in the basement is amazing for a museum cafe and just pretty good in general.
– The Gene Siskel Film Center often has interesting stuff.
Okay I gotta quit before I spent all day on this.
Sweet! Thank you!
At least consider eating a Giordano’s pizza. I haven’t had one since 1994 and unless I’m able to secure one whilst on my deathbed, I never shall again.
It re-heats really well, too, I think! Which is good because only the best of eaters can finish an ordinary order, in my experience.
ON IT. I am so excited about pizza!
But, if you’re truly committed to subjecting yourself to the Deep Dish Experience (what, i haven’t fully assimilated yet, okay?) might I suggest considering Pequod’s instead of Giordano’s because if you’re going to eat casserole disguised as pizza, it might as well have a caramelized crust…right?
I didn’t need to know that existed.
PEQUOD’S IS THE BEST
In retrospect that was excessively yell-y. But — Pequod’s is really, really great, and I miss living a mile away from them so very much.
For you: go to Floriole, which is an A+ bakery and gets lots of awards (and a friend of mine works there), Giordano’s, Dinkel’s
For him: the Chicago Diner (everything can be made vegan, good about allergies)
I also have a list of excessively fancy cocktail bars, if that’s your jam.
Thank you! Excessively fancy cocktail bars are intriguing!
I used to live like a mile and a half from The Violet Hour, so I used to go there a lot.
The Bedford is a bar in a building that used to be a bank, so you can drink fancy in a bank vault and make jokes about being super valuable
The Aviary is one of Grant Achatz’s projects (he also is the Alinea/Next guy) — it’s not really a practical place to go regularly, but I had fun — when I went there was a drink served with scented air in a bag and I got a slingshot to break open my old-fashioned-in-an-ice-sphere, haha
A friend of mine loves Untitled. Go earlier and get dinner too, imo.
(Also go to Neo, if you are gothically inclined and like dancing)
These sound fancy beyond my wildest imaginings of fancy! Cities, wow, you are full of wonders.
I would like this list, too!
ooh, I went to the Diner last week followed by going up the block to the distillery, where there were awesome cocktails & live music. Might be an every Thursday night thing?
there were a lot of good Chicago recs on one of these threads a few weeks ago: http://the-toast.net/2015/03/06/friday-open-threa…
Oh perfect! Thank you so much!
I went to the Jane Addams Hull House Museum last weekend and it was fascinating. Highly recommend.
This looks really great! Thank you!
Is your husband a geographer? I’m also in Chicago that week for a conference! (totally possible there is more than one conference happening in Chicago at the same time though, I’m sure)
He is!!! He’s a master’s student focusing on sense of place, place identity, and imaginative geographies in Alaska. He’ll be presenting on the first day! What type of geographer are you? I did geography as my undergrad, too!
I’m not a geographer, sadly! I’m an editor for a small academic publisher and geography is one of the topics we publish, so I’m attending the conference to run our booth in the exhibit hall/try to find people who might want to write books for us.
Such a funny coincidence! I’d say we should meet up, but the exhibit hours are brutal (open until 7:30, monsters) and I’m there with my boss, so my free time is basically zero.
I’m still debating whether to pay the buddy registration fee to go wander around inside the conference, but if I do then maybe I will wander through and try to give a secret toast sign! Have fun at your table! If you are selling books as well as searching for authors there is a very good chance my husband will arrive unsupervised and spend far too much money on them.
We are selling books! I don’t want to totally out myself on the big wide internet, but if you do make it in, you can find us at booth 116. I’d be happy to pretend you’re a potential author and sneak away to hang for a few minutes. 🙂
Deal! If I make it in, I will be the one awkwardly approaching and asking if you have any books about the geography of food, specifically the cultural associations of toast!
Ha! Awesome.
Is this our secret handshake?
It certainly can be!
Sent from my iPhone
I will be there too! Driving up on Tuesday night, and will be presenting on Thursday, and leaving Friday. We need to meetup!!
If you will be doing a fancy dinner together, I highly recommend Catch 35. I went with a gluten-free friend recently, and they accommodated her beautifully. And everything was completely delicious.
I’ll be meeting up with some geography pals at that conference myself. (I’m in a different discipline.) Have fun!
Easter weekend! I don’t know how many Toasties are vaguely christian or celebrate Easter — if you are, what are your plans? Any big family get-togethers to enjoy or get through?
This Easter, my (fairly religious) parents decided to come up and spend Easter with us in Toronto where most of their kids live — as none of us kids are regular church people, I’ve been frantically church shopping trying to find a nice one that has a traditional service (for my parents), but super liberal values (for us). We’re Anglican/Episcopal so the spectrum is massive in terms of options for parishes — from bells and chanting to guitars and clapping, and ranging in beliefs from marching in the pride parade, to believing that women can’t preach.
Greetings from a rest stop along the Ohio turnpike! Im on my way to family Easter where we will all pretend to be Christian while eating ham and candy.
We do the ham dinner (with Funeral Potatoes). I’m LDS and it’s our semi-annual conference this weekend so no church, just listening to sermons in pjs for a few hours Sat and Sun. It’s the best! My mom lives nearby, so I’m going to her house Sunday afternoon for the afternoon session and dinner, but will stay home Saturday and then Sunday morning with friends and my dog.
Easter! I am doing all the Easter church things (Lutheran) and my housemates and I are hosting brunch for an unknown number of people. I live far from my family, but my mother still sends me Easter treats every year (I am almost 30!) because she is the best mother in the world. I finally fessed up this year that I really hate Peeps, but she’s sending them anyway because moms.
Happy Easter! I hope you find a good Episcopal church – mine is quite progressive and expressive (sometimes it’s too much emotion for me, since I came from a very reserved parish). I’m going tonight, I think, unless I put it off, and then Easter Sunday at my grandparents’ church, also Episcopal, but not as homey or weird as mine.
While I’m neither religious nor from Toronto, may I recommend the Church of the Holy Trinity (Anglican). It’s the one practically surrounded by the Eaton Centre, and was my grandparent’s church. They were lifelong social justice activists, whose religious faith supported and sustained them, and I think their church reflects their values. http://www.holytrinitytoronto.org/wp/
Happy Easter! My stepmom is visiting and we’re all going to my (Episcopal) church on Sunday. My priest is a middle-aged woman (like me) and is totally awesome. After church we’ll have a giant brunch at home with all kinds of goodies.
I was introduced to an Episcopal priest, “This is Father Victoria”. Does your priest go by “Father”?
That’s interesting! No, my priest goes by “Reverend Suzanne” or just “Suzanne.” Our previous priest did go by “Father,” but he’s an 83-year-old man. 🙂
OPEN THREAD IS FINALLY HERE! HUG ME, TOASTIES! SHOW ME ALL THE LOVE!
Did someone say hugs?
Also when finding the gif I ran across this comic which I thought was cute:
D:
Poor friend
Poor guy just wants a hug!
Manka!![]()
!!!
Sam Irby. Can we talk about Sam Irby and how amazing she is? So very excited that she has another book coming out! Did any other toastlets read her latest post? I feel like it’s everything I love about her writing all mashed up into one blog entry: touching, narrative, funny as hell, with her writer’s voice coming through.
Shit, she had a completely horrifying childhood though.
Favorite part: “it’ll be just like that book “are you my mommy?” with fewer teeth and more n-words. basically what i’m trying to say is that i’m probably about to get murdered.”
Another book! I want it right now!! I absolutely adore Sam Irby, and I have fantasies of running into her at brunch in Chicago. I would probably just scream “MEATY” and run away, and be embarassed/ecstatic for life.
I tweeted at her when she was obsessed with Serial and she totally tweeted back at me. It was ridiculously gratifying on a personal level.
I AM FINALLY GOING TO BE FULL TIME/FULL BENEFITS AT MY JOB!
My boss shook my hand in October (a year after I’d started) and said it would happen soon, but circumstances and bureaucracy kept getting in the way. I applied this morning (a formality) and celebrated by buying myself Starbucks and some new clothes from the Gap Factory.
It’s not in my field but it’s a good job with good people and it is the perfect place to worm my way into my field, so I’ve very excited.
Congratulations!!![]()
What’s everyone reading at the moment?
I recently read ‘The Peripheral’ by William Gibson, which was pretty great (although I prefer the Blue Ant trilogy). It’s about time travel, but not in a cliched way.
I also just finished reading the second of Lev Grossman’s Magician’s trilogy books. It was brilliant, and I liked it even more than the first book. I think having a second narrator who wasn’t Quentin helped? A lot more of the characters were likeable too. It really freaked me out though, so I’m not sure whether to read the third book. Does anyone know whether ‘The Magician’s Land’ is sexually violent at all (especially if it’s graphic?)
The Magician’s Land definitely has some sexual violence. I thought it was graphic but I honestly don’t remember the details. Basically when I put that book down it all flew out of my head.
Ah ok, thanks for the warning! I think I’ll find something fluffier to read next instead.
I’ve finally started Wolf Hall, because I want to read it before watching it on Masterpiece. Several years late, but SO GOOD.
So good, and I think I even like Bring Up the Bodies more.
I’m already excited about getting to Bring Up the Bodies!
I didn’t read Bring Up the Bodies until after I’d finished the TV series but I devoured it afterwards.
I liked the Peripheral, definitely an interesting take.
I just finished ‘Nation’ by Terry Pratchett. What a lovely book. And I’ve just started on Station Eleven.
+1 for the Magicians!
I’m deep into “Americanah” and it’s excellent. I’m purposefully reading slowly so I can savor it.
jealous b/c I’m not reading it for the first time right now
The Shining by Stephen King. I’ve read it before but I had a craving.
I loved the Magician’s Trilogy so much. So much. And the last book was the best of all.
I’m currently reading Helen Oyeyemi’s Mr. Fox and restraining myself from highlighting every other paragraph. This book knows me so well. It’s amazing.
Everything she writes. I gobble down all the words. (Like they were chalk.)
I’m reading How To Be Both by Ali Smith. I am reading the George-Painter version of the book and flew through the first part and, after a serious struggle with the opening twenty pages of the second half am now completely engrossed. What a gorgeous book.
The same thing happened to me! I got to the Painter part, and was like, “whatever, some painter dude being all deconstructionist artsy-fartsy. I DON’T CARE. GIVE ME MORE GEORGE AND H.” Then a couple of weeks later, I decided to trust that Ali Smith knew what she was doing, and I’m so glad that I did.
I could see that reaction. I would love a follow up that’s just more George & H! The reason I struggled was that the first twenty-thirty pages of the painter’s half, I legitimately had next to no clue what was going on. The fractured half sentences and stops and starts coming from various characters/beings (I think? I still don’t know for sure) perspectives just proved overwhelming. I like to think I’m an adventurous reader, but once that portion of that half stopped I was much happier.
I don’t remember a ton of the details of “The Magician’s Land” other than that I really liked it.
I’m reading Rob Chernow’s “Hamilton” biography because THAT SHOW. Also I need to get to the new Eloisa James this weekend.
I started The Country of Ice Cream Star this week, and I am in raptures.
I’m like 4th on hold for that and can’t wait!
Also, EVERYONE adores Yanagihara’s A Little Life so that’s the other one my library is too too slow at shoving into my greedy hands.
Ooh, I hadn’t heard about A Little Life until now! I’ll have to check it out. I hope your wait in the hold queue for Ice Cream Star isn’t too much longer–it’s an amazing book.
I’m reading like 4 things, as always.
Just published a novel another super contemporary romance (less smut this time)
this week, so yay me!
I’m reading the latest in the Laurie R King Holmes/Mary Russell book, Dreaming Spies – I love that series.
Also Will Chancelor’s debut A Brave Man Seven Storeys Tall because it was pretty popular among the Tournament of Books commenters, though it didn’t get past the first round.
Other stuff I’m less enamored with, but that doesn’t stop me. I did give up on Paula Hawkins The Girl on the Train because: tedious, cardboard, predictable. Why all the buzz???
I love Laurie R Kings Holmes/Russell books so much. Her other books are interesting, but don’t pull me in quite so completely.
I just finished Station Eleven. I love post-apocalyptic fiction and I have a lot of Thoughts and Feelings about art and survival, and I love that particular kind of ~clever novel, where everything ties into everything else, so basically it was made for meeeee and etc.
I didn’t know the Tournament of Books was happening until Nicole’s judging, so now I’m taking wild advantage of the fact that you can now reserve e-books (?! truly we live in the future!) and working my way through the list.
READ: All the Birds, Singing
everything Ferrante
other things by Waters & Mitchell (these weren’t their best)
A Brief History of Seven Killings (but surf it, like Nicole did, or drown in the audio book, which rules)
Roxane’s book, of course
I have various opinions about the others based on taste etc but those are my strongest of all my many opinions
I just started reading Seanan McGuire’s October Daye series after a friend had been telling me to read it for months. I would have absolutely lost my mind over it in high school, but it’s still pretty fun. Plus I got to meet Seanan this weekend and she was quite cool.
I’m also reading “The Girls of Slender Means” after a toastie recommended it. It’s really lovely, although I can only read it in short bits because the prose is so sharp and spare and I have to stop and think about it for chunks of time.
Currently reading Can’t and Won’t by Lydia Davis (short stories), which I’m enjoying for the most part.
Recently finished Soldier Girls by Helen Thorpe (nonfiction about three women who join the Indiana National Guard and are deployed to Afghanistan and Iraq) and I think that book will stick with me for a while.
Hoping to revisit Prelude to Bruise by Saeed Jones for poetry month.
I just finished “The Secret History of Las Vegas” by Chris Abani. Now I want to read all of his books.
It’s so difficult, but I’m working my way through “Guantanamo Diary,” which is a real journal kept by a detainee who almost certainly did not do any of the things the U.S. thought he did and who really just needs to be allowed to go back home to his family now. It’s been published through the efforts of his lawyers but it was classified initially, and there are obtrusive black-bar redactions throughout — I’ve never really read a piece of censored material like this and the gesture itself feels so powerful, like the U.S. government tried to hide away this story like they tried to hide away the person, and reading it with attention and respect is my own tiny way of helping to make sure that doesn’t happen. I’m not coherent about this at all, clearly, but it’s been a really important reading experience for me and I’ve been recommending it.
True story, I read the second book when I was in a pretty emotional place, and I actually sent Lev Grossman a tear-stained email basically calling him asshole for making me cry (do not send authors emails like this! Extremely obnoxious!).
He wrote back in a day or so and was very nice and said he tried to approach the subject matter from as respectful a place as possible and agonised over it for a long time.
It made me feel better about the trilogy as a whole, because it’s one of my favourites (but I don’t re-read the second one very much).
Anyway, the last book is not sexually graphic at all, and I really enjoyed it!
Oh my god I FINALLY have a Friday where I can come back to the open thread. I like my job but there’s no internet ever while I’m there… and, uh, basically no time for it anyway. I’m busy as hell and so happy to have a long weekend.
In less awesome news, I keep hearing about my boss’s anger issues (but haven’t seen them myself yet). Apparently once he got so mad that he was throwing things around the dispatch room and I’m pretty sure if that happens around me I’m just going to break down and cry Also, one of the techs greeted me going “hey, good-lookin'” on the phone and I need to tell him to stop with the nicknames (he’s also called me sunshine and darlin’) but I feel really awkward about it for no reason ugh.
Make a plan. Rehearse the steps you will take when/if you see or hear any kind of workplace violence. For example:
1. Toss phone into handbag
2. Grab handbag and coat
3. Leave building
4. Go to bathroom in nearby coffee shop
5. Practice deep breathing in privacy of a stall
6. Wait for calm before deciding whether to return to work or to text that you are taking the rest of the day off. You do not feel well.
7. Decide whether you can make a formal complaint to HR without fallout
Just please be kind to yourself. Promise yourself you will not subject yourself to violence. Promise yourself you will leave. Please.
Here is a dreadful story: My husband is military, and last week he was at Tim Horton’s with one of his superiors getting coffee, and some guy looked at him and said “What do you know, a chink in uniform.”
My husband’s CO WENT OFF on the guy and was yelling at him in the crowded little store while everybody just stared, but….sometimes we are so tired of living in this small town. It’s so hard to make friends because the vast, vast majority of other people who live here have kids and families and we don’t yet, or haven’t finished high school and we don’t have much to talk about, or are otherwise not really My People. And I hate feeling elitist and I’m afraid I sound snobby, but it’s so frustrating to have ocnversations that go like this: “What do you think of it here?” “We’ve found it hard to live here–the lack of jobs and racism has made it a hard move.” “What, no! People have never been mean to us here! And I found a great job working part-time at the mall!” Well, okay, yes, I’m sure people aren’t mean to you, white couple with two white kids, but people are blatantly rude to us and my husband in particular….and the difficulty in finding a job that pays more than minimum wage has been stressing me out for several months now.
I am not sure where I’m going with this other than I miss having plenty of local friends, and as much as I hate moving I am looking forward to our next move (probably next year), and I feel terrible for feeling elitist, and these are all probably things I should work out by seeing a counselor.
UGH. I’m so sorry. That sucks, and it’s not elitist to want to be treated with respect and have a fulfilling career and stimulating conversations.
holy shit. i am so sorry.
it is NOT elitist or snobby to want a welcoming community. i mean, let’s back up here. not even a welcoming community, how about some basic respect? it sounds like the issue here isn’t really that these are high school drop-outs who work at the mall—it’s that when you try to talk to them about your experience, they silence you. that’s not okay.
UGH. That is not elitist, that is decent and human and fair and many other things that those assholes around you are not. IMO, the only things about this that you need to “work out” are maybe some good practice punches with a heavy bag.
Dreadful doesn’t half cover it. Damn!
If you wanted to reach out to the more decent eggs in the town, I suppose you could say something like “Most people have been lovely, but there have been some people who have been rude about my husband’s heritage”. That allows the other person to cluck in sympathy and other Those Racists instead of instinctively rushing to defend their town’s honor.
Are there any high school sports events that are popular this time of year, or craft shows, or tours of people’s gardens? I don’t know that you’d get any close friends from those, but at least you’d get to know people you can say hi to in the supermarket. Plus, the fact that you don’t have kids means that you can wholeheartedly agree that yes, Bobby really is the best trumpet player in the middle school orchestra.
Also, as for working retail–I never thought I’d like it, but it’s actually not too bad. You get some exercise, and if you work at the right place you might be able to make good use of the employee discount. However, I am probably genetically predisposed to a certain amount of people-pleasing (see my first paragraph).
Your husband’s CO sounds like a good man.
I just wanted to say that I added your blog to my rss reader and I really enjoy it, so keep up the good work!
*RAGING*
I am so, so sorry that you’re experiencing shitty humanity. I hope you and Mr. Aravisthequeen find your people there, or are able to leave SOON.
(and good on his CO!)
I know exactly what you mean about feeling elitist. I still haven’t figured out how to strike the right balance, but hit me up if you ever want to chat about it. my username dot com.
Kinda surprised this hasn’t made it into a Link Roundup, so I present to you for your pleasure:
MANKILLER, a documentary currently being funded on Kickstarter. It’s about Wilma Mankiller, the first female Principal Chief of the Cherokee Nation, and is being made by a female director/producer team.
Oh, wow, thank you for posting that! I hadn’t heard about it, and I know several people who will appreciate hearing about it, too!
I was supposed to be working on my poster for GeoDaze (geology conference) last night, but I have no idea what the requirements are for it and what to do because my adviser for the project hasn’t really been there for me (he’s had some family illness, plus he’s going to Tibet on Monday). So I watched the last episode of Revolutionary Girl Utena again and spent like half an hour crying about it. It’s my favorite anime, and shares my favorite show spot with PGSM and Green Lantern: the Animated Series. Seriously, watch it (tw for dubious consent moments, flat-out sexual assault, incest, and abuse. But dealt with in a mature way, if that makes any difference).
In other news, gender things! Toast-Folk, I think I may be bigender. After watching the aforementioned Revolutionary Girl Utena and examining my gender identity and also running across the term bigender on Tumblr, I really feel like I fit with it. Like, I’ve never felt agender because I feel female, but I feel male as well and I didn’t know that I could feel both at the same time. I’ve always “fallen in love” with the type of villains who fall into the “super pretty evil dude” category (including Lucious Malfoy, Durza of the horrid Eragon movie, the Shitennou of Sailor Moon, etc.) and for the longest time I didn’t know why. I never wanted to bang them really, I sort of wanted to be them (in a style-stealing way, not a personality way). Then I started feeling the same way about Akio in RGU and I was super confused because he is the Lord of the Douchebags and the cause of literally all the trigger warnings listed above. Upon closer inspection of my gender identity, I realized I just wanted to dress up in super-elegant male-ish clothes and swagger around everywhere, and that I was ok with identifying as male as well as female. Thanks, Akio. I guess you were good for something other than being a symbol of toxic masculinity (you’re still a mega-asshole though).
Welp you said geology and sailor moon (my two favorite things!) so I’m automatically interested, haha.
Akio is pretty much a walking trigger warning but I am glad that he was able to help you reach a more satisfying conclusion about yourself! And I hope you find some sweet clothes, man’s got some killer fashion sense. Same goes for the Shittenou, dang. I cried more than my fair share about them in Crystal.
You have taught me something today, and that is that bigender is a thing, and a fine thing it is, that everyone should know about.
I could tell I had never seen the word before though, because I began by reading it as big-ender. Which I think could also be a fine thing.
HELP ME TOASTIES. YOU’RE MY ONLY HOPE.
My longest and most serious relationship–NEARLY FIVE YEARS–ended this week. Actually, he broke up with me without any warning the night before April Fool’s Day. (Thanks?) This is the first big heartbreak I’ve had post-college and now I’m not even entirely sure how to deal with it as a grown up. I laid around and ate Jelly Bellies and Ghirardelli chocolate for one whole day, but no longer being a teenager means this actually just made me feel sick after a while.
How do you do this? It’s like I woke up missing half my body. I’m not even sure I know how to be without a partner now.
I’m so sorry to hear that! *hugs tight* But you know, as much as I hate to say it, time heals all wounds. It’ll take you half as long as you were together to fully get over it. And you know what? It gets better. Just cry it all out, baby steps, and we’re all here for you and love you. You do deserve better, don’t forget that. Also, as I always tell my girl friends *bring on the Leslie Knope*: MEN ARE DOGS.
Oh, honey. I’m so, so sorry. The best advice I can offer is to go ahead and let yourself feel the grief and loss without letting it consume you. It’s normal to feel scared and alone. And pretty soon it will be normal to feel angry and bitter. It’s all normal–just like it’s normal to feel sick after eating too many jelly beans and chocolates.
Do you have a local friend or two to help bolster you in person while you get over the worst of the grief? Like, scheduled weekly dinners or something just to make sure you’re staying in contact and talking when you need to?
Thanks for this suggestion. I’m going to spend the day tomorrow with one of my closest friends and then we’re getting together again the following week, too. It’s so tempting to just sit in my little nest of sadness, but…yeah. People in person are good.
When I was newly broken-up, a friend recommended that when I was getting myself out of the house (at least once a day) I should look around and remember that just about every single person out there has been through this too and they’re all ok now. It was really helpful for me to just remember that there was going to be an end to it.
That is shitty and I’m so sorry. I got dumped after eight years almost exactly a year ago, and I don’t really have any advice except to say that any feelings you have are legitimate, whether you want to beg him to come back or you want to burn him with fire or both simultaneously – I kept thinking a lot about how I should feel or what stage of “getting over it” I should be in, and that’s just…spectacularly unhelpful and unproductive. I also second the suggestion of getting out of the house (for a non-work-related reason) at least most days.
I’m so sorry for you. I remember the feeling horribly vividly, I remember wondering how on earth life carried on, what on earth I was going to do, all of that.
I got through it, and you will too. it sucks giant donkey balls while it’s happening, but you will find your way through it and you will be happy again. I didn’t believe I would, but I was and I am and you will be too.
For me, I had to pretty much never be without a distraction – mindless crime dramas that had no romantic sub-plots, detective stories ditto (hello Agatha Christie and CIS!), and a lot of radio 4. I kept the radio on overnight so I wans’t in silence as whenever I was in silence my mind started whirring again. No music radio because every bloody song is about love and heartbreak and that made it worse.
Oh that’s sad! I’m sorry for you! This book REALLY helped me: http://www.amazon.com/Getting-Past-Your-Breakup-D… when my 4.5 year relationship ended this fall, and I felt like I healed much faster than i have in the past.
Bullet point suggestions
– I’d recommend trying to wallow a bit more- it’s really good when you wallow so much you can’t take it anymore. My wallow involved watching all the back seasons of the Good Wife, and she had a lot worse to deal with than I did so it helped.
-No contact with the ex. Even if you want to stay friends, you need at least 3 months of zero contact. Delete everything that will lead you back to them digitally. Do it now before they do, because if they do it hurts like hell.
-Working out is of course good. Travel too, bring friends though- a few weekend trips makes you feel alive.
-Mastering a skill you sort of ruled out or your ex thought you couldn’t. I learned to drive, and I started working on building a webpage and I have a class I’m in.
– Doing all the breakup cliches. I did them when I was still so sad because they were a structure. I got a haircut, a massage, a mani-pedi, I bought new clothes, I threw his stuff out, i listened to the same song over and over and sang cried (theres studies that show listening to sad songs makes people feel better), etc. Anything in a rom com montage- that’s what i did.
The think to know is that it gets better faster than you will ever believe. Right now when you are wounded, its a withdrawal of love and it feels so INTENSE, but it fades fast, so you can use this intense time to motivate yourself towards new things- when you lose someone like this you lose a part of your shape that was formed between you both, and now you have an opportunity to reshape it- in what you wear or do or how you spend your hobbies. It still sucks but that was ultimately what got me through the “i can’t go on I give up phase”
Thank you! This looks really good. I’ve already downloaded the book.
In January, my 22 year old cat died. This week, I found out that our other cat, a spry ten year old (a baby!!) has kidney disease. It’s early, and we’re taking steps to support her, but I could use some good feline vibes at the moment. Anti-anxiety vibes also accepted.
Oh geez.
I’m so sorry to hear that. One of my past kitties lived for years after being diagnosed with kidney disease, and if it’s caught early it can often be managed quite well – he was diagnosed around age 15 and lived a full and mischievous life until 21. Good luck with your girl!
Toasties, I need opinion on something: I’ve applied to schools both in the U.S. for Marine Biology and UK for Law. I’ve gotten scholarships in both countries, but I can’t decide where to go. It’s driving me mad just thinking about it. I don’t want to regret my decision and I’m really interested in both majors. I really need your help. *pros and cons list will arrive next week* 🙁
Since going to school for a thing does not equal doing the thing for the rest of your life, I’d recommend talking to people who actually work in the fields in which you are interested. I wish I had talked to more lawyers before going to law school…I may have made other plans.
That’s true. I guess I just don’t wanna regret picking one or the other. Then again, I can’t be at ALL the places at the same time. Is Law school harsh? :/
It isn’t that law school is harsh. It is the actual practice of law that can drain your soul.
Those . . . are some pretty disparate options.
What do you want to _do_? And where? How do you know?
(Lawyer here.)
Sorry, I should’ve given more background. It’s either to stay in this country or go to the UK. If I stay here, I can study Marine Biology and THEN go to Law school if I want to or give it up altogether for further education. OR I can go to the UK – because that university is way more prestigious – and just go to Law school. They offer a bachelor’s degree in Law instead of a JD, so, that would make sense instead of grinding away for four years and then going to Law school. I KNEW WHAT I WAS GONNA DO A FEW DAYS AGO BUT NOW I’M SO CONFUSED AND I JUST WANNA BE A BUNNY.
But do you want to PRACTICE law in the UNITED KINGDOM?
If so: great! If not: don’t do a law degree in the UK, it won’t do you any good in the US. And you should never ever go to law school, anywhere, if you don’t want to practice law (and if you don’t know what that means from experience).
To answer your question above: yes, law school is harsh, and I mean this in the nicest way possible, if you have to ask this you really need to do more research.
IF I DECIDE TO GO WITH IT, YES.
You’re right. I should get together with the professors and students in one of their Welcome Days and find out more of what it entails. I still have a month to decide. *fingers crossed*
COOL. GOOD LUCK!
THANKS KATE!
You should now read Sarah Caudwell’s Hilary Tamar books, by the way, and pick one of the lawyers in them to model yourself on. => (Me, I wanna be Serena, and will never.)
Is one of the programs flexible enough that you could combine them, like focus on marine policy or something?
I can study Marine Biology and then study Law. That way, I can do both. But that would have to be in the U.S. If I study Law here, I can never go to the UK to study Law – I still don’t know why it’s a bad thing but it is. *headdesks*
I forgot I actually had something to contribute to Open Thread besides just comments today! I had an incredible experience in yoga this week. Literally life-changing. It was amazing and so great! Copied and pasted from my LJ (yes, I for one am still on LJ) for those who don’t want to click the link:
I am pretty good at balancing on one leg. I’ve always felt pretty stable in Vrkasnana. My biggest problem is that my foot tends to slide down the standing leg because fabric isn’t grippy like flesh and fuck if I’m gonna expose my legs all the way to my crotch in yoga class. But last night in the privacy of my room, I rolled my pants to my groin for the pose. Why have I never tried this before? I was rock-fucking-solid to the point that I could make all sorts of adjustments (open up the hips more, pull that knee back, center more over the standing leg, don’t let the standing hip jut out) while comfortably standing in the pose with my hands overhead.
It was amazing.
Once I settled into the pose I just gazed at myself in the mirror. I looked strong. I looked stable. I looked competent. I looked serene. Yes, I looked fleshy, soft, and bumpy, too. But that soft and bumpy flesh held me in a one-legged balance pose for so long that I lost count of my breaths.
So fuck you, social conditioning. Fuck you for imbedding in me so deeply a shame of my soft, bumpy, and wonderful flesh. What I saw in the mirror last night was beautiful and made me proud of myself.
My thighs can hold up the world. Or at least my part of it.
“My thighs can hold up the world.”
This is so beautiful. Good for you. Doing poses in front of a mirror has actually been amazingly good for my self-image, when I’d always avoided it before, so this really resonated with me. It’s almost like seeing yourself for the first time. Fuck yes.
I’m certainly going to pay more attention to the inner me when I look at myself in poses from now on. Less focus on “Are my hips straight?” “Can I even out my arms?” and more “Look at that goddess full of peaceful badassery.”
This is so wonderful. I often spend too much time fretting about the appearance of my legs rather than the fact that they are muscular and powerful and do things I want them to (running up hills and playing hockey and yoga and more). They are not lithe but they serve me so well. I’m working on embracing short shorts when running because that’s what makes me comfortable, exposure be damned. I’ve also started doing yoga at home in minimal shorts, and it’s been fantastic. Not ready to move that to class yet, but slowly moving along the road of appreciating my body for what it can do rather than judging it for what it looks like.
Can we talk a little about trauma? Especially weird thins that people expect not to traumatise you.
I’m struggling with this because I don’t want to give too many details… but recently something very stressful and upsetting happened, that I didn’t deserve, that I had no control over. It was horrible, the waiting time on it was 9 months long, and the whole thing made me feel suicidal sometimes. This is not an assault on me.
Now it’s over, in a good way, with the best result. And – I’m still very wobbly. It’s been over for months, but I still shake or get a thundering heartbeat when I see stuff that’s relevant to it. I’m still furious about it, and scared, and I don’t feel safe.
I can’t really talk about it beause the details of it WILL lead to people judging me poorly. My therapist is good about it, which is great. I can’t report it to law enforcement because, well, they were the reason it was happening and I doubt they’d be sympathetic.
Have you felt this? How do I stop being so angry?
I’m sorry you’re scared and wobbly. And I’m furious that anyone/anything dares to make you feel unsafe. I have no advice for how to stop being so angry. I’m one angry bitch. But I care. ::hugs:: if you want them.
That sucks, honey. Is your therapist helping you deal with it in ways geared toward PTSD? Because in my experience with friends/SOs who have PTSD (and to me, this really sounds like PTSD, not just anxiety or anger), it’s not enough to just deal with the specific issue. They’ve needed to deal with the general fact that they have PTSD.
I’m not sure about PTSD. What I left out of this is that I have BPD (and this whole situation was FUN for the rage and panic cycles of that, I can tell you) and this reaction feels more like an extreme version of my standard reaction to stress? Like, this was an extreme stressor where I was literally facing the prospec of my life falling apart and being destroyed, so my reaction is equally extreme?
I just a bit fed up of having the nightmares/skipping heartbeats/panic attack reactions to this still. Like, it’s been three months. How long do I have to spend healing from this bullshit? How soon before I stop hating the person my brain haa fixated on as the main ‘agressor’?
Oh. Hmmmm. Well, with that in mind I can see yeah, my comment might not have been helpful. I still think the two might not be mutually exclusive, though?
As for how long it takes to heal, or how soon before you stop hating, maybe consider the idea that you’ll never fully heal and you’ll always feel anger toward that person and find ways to deal with that. It’s possible to live with anger toward someone and not let it consume me. Maybe talk with your therapist about that sort of idea? I’m thinking this is kind of like the way I’ve had to adjust my attitude toward my health. Honestly? I’m never gonna be really healthy again. Not normal-person healthy. I’m just…not. But there are so many ways I can deal with that–accepting my current and always shifting “normal” as well as ways to adjust not just my expectations but how to adjust the world around me to make it fit me. So maybe you might spend your life in a constant state of healing. How can you adjust your world, internally and externally, to make that a good and positive experience for you?
Good luck, bb. You’re in my thoughts.
That is SUCH good news that it’s over in a good way. I have been thinking of you with this hanging over your head, this news makes me very relieved. Yay!
This thing was hanging over you for 9 fucking months, it’s very hard to go from worrying about X all the fucking time to not thinking about X, so I’m not surprised that you’re still affected by it. Sending well wishes your way.
When it all finished I laughed, then cried, then had a panic attack, and then split a whole bottle of rum with my husband and got SHITFACED.
It felt appropriate. But now I feel kind of like… It’s over. When it was going on my friends were there for me and my panicked ‘OM what if the worst happens, promise you won’t believe this shit, oh god’ feelings, but now it’s three months gone no-one wants to talk about it? They’re all just relieved, and don’t want to revisit those feelings, but I’m really struggling getting to that point myself.
I’m sorry this happened/is happening to you! I had an experience about 10 years ago with something that isn’t “supposed” to traumatize you but left me pretty badly off in a mental health way. I had moments of total panic and fury towards relevant things, recurring dreams, intense fears of it happening again that were objectively pretty impossible to come true. I kept talking to my friends about it for months and months afterwards and I’m pretty sure they thought I was being really weird and dramatic. I saw a therapist and he was pretty useless, and didn’t want to consider that I might have PTSD, because he didn’t think what had happened could be traumatic. It was incredibly frustrating! I didn’t deal with it all that well at the time so I’m not sure I can offer you any advice on good coping mechanisms, other than to give yourself time, and to forgive yourself for being human and vulnerable to trauma in the first place.
I agree with Clever Manka’s comment above – I don’t think I’ll ever not care that it happened or want to reunite with anyone involved. But it doesn’t upset me on a day to day basis and I don’t have those terrible symptoms any more. What it took for me to feel better was just lots of time, and having new good things happen in my life that made the bad times less significant. I think that if you dealt with this shit for 9 months you’re very resilient, and you can recover. Your anger can become less pressing and overwhelming and you’ll be able to put it aside and not be dominated by it.
Hey, who’s ready for Passover? (Not me.)
Last night I went to the grocery store and they were tragically out of all the good macaroon flavors, which is what happens when you do your Passover shopping the day before Passover. I exchanged forlorn chag sameachs with my fellow poor-planners.
What’s your favorite Passover food? And do you want to share a recipe?
Ugh, Passover.
Since I’ve just had to go fully gluten free I just don’t have the energy to deal with Passover this year. I’m basically just going to use my gf matzoh to make matzoh crack and then be done with it. Trying to face a week without rice or corn makes me want to cry with frustration, so I’m just not dealing with it this year.
here, have a boiled egg.
I like gf matzoh more than I like most out-of-the-box gf things, I have to say. Which is a good thing, cause my sis will bring a box of them for herself & her daughter & make me share just so she doesn’t have too many leftovers to turn into matzoh crack. (Sis has this weird thing of not overindulging in dessert. I don’t get it.)
I’m reading this thread instead of making matzo balls. I should go make matzo balls.
the matriarch aunt assigned me quinoa this year. So I made quinoa for the first time. It’s not bad.
But I’m really just in it for my oldest aunt’s brisket & my uncle’s chopped liver & the unadulterated joy of whatever magic thing my German aunt will make for dessert.
I mean, and for observance and all that. But mostly the food. Which I should go eat now.
Chag sameach!! I love matzoh ball soup, and as a vegetarian, I almost never get it. But a friend of mine hosts a second night seder every year that is very vegetarian friendly, so I will get some tonight, WOOT!! I also love the charoset and the horseradish (not together). And he has this amazing socialist haggadah from the 1940s that is fantastic and also SHORT. It is the perfect seder.
Hey Toast friends! Does anyone read or subscribe to any sci fi or horror (or particularly both combined) literary magazines/sites? Looking for some options to submit a 3,000-word story. I can tell you all about the top Developmental Psychology and Cognitive Neuroscience journals, but this is new territory for me. This seems like the right group of nerds for crowdsourcing this particular question 😀
She might jump in later to post this but I’m going to go ahead and plug http://www.holdfastmagazine.com/ co-edited by smeesmeesmee here.
Thanks for linking, I’m reading the current issue now. Good stuff!
Lightspeed Magazine
Hmm, both Tor.com and Strange Horizons‘s fiction submissions are closed until May 1; and Lightspeed won’t be open until June.
There’s Clarkeworld, Interzone, Apex (though note), Crossed Genres.
You should look for a rate of at least 6 cents/word, by the way, and of course read up on what the magazine has already published before submitting. (Are you new to SFF short fiction as a genre entirely, as in haven’t read any of it yet?)
So helpful, thank you! I am an avid sci fi and fantasy reader, but that is mostly limited to novels; I’ve read many short stories as well but usually in physical anthologies or as they have specifically been recommended to me. So if you have (and are willing to share) any recs, cautionary tales, warnings about exasperating things that n00b writers do, fire away! I’ve been published in scientific journals and here on the good ol’ Toast, but this area is for sure new for me.
(I’m working on the theory that if IntenseDebate hasn’t shown my emailed response after half an hour, it’s not going to:)
Oh, no, if you’ve read in the genre already then I’m sure you won’t have “I have a story that depends solely on this fascinating idea that no-one will ever have thought of before!” that reinvents cyberpunk, you know? Otherwise read submission guidelines and be polite and never ever pay anyone, they pay _you_, and you’ll be grand.
I honestly don’t read much short fiction myself, I pulled those names from Locus’s recommended reading list and Hugo/Campbell nominations, so those are also places to look for additional reputable markets.
This io9 column might be another good source for markets.
Ok, bad idea or worst idea? Travel across the country to have sex with my 15 years-ago ex who says he still wants to marry me. I’m recently single and 35 and kind of just want to say yes, cause fuck it.
I was all GO FOR IT until I saw the “he still wants to marry me” and then it was all GET ME ON THE NOPE TRAIN.
Nooooooope! Worst idea.
I mean I wouldn’t have sex with him at all because he still wants to marry you, but also I would think if broseph was that keen to marry you he could probably travel across the country himself, no? Just all around noping happening here.
There’s complicated schedule stuff involved that sort of mitigates that – but does not absolve him.
Fair enough, but that’s really not the objection. It’s more that its
A. Honestly pretty offputting that it’s 15 years later and this guy still wants to marry you. What has he been doing for 15 years?
B. Just never a good idea to try and have casual sex with someone who wants to marry you. Especially if it’s the kind of wants-to-marry-you that has persisted for 15 years, because that kind can rapidly become frightening.
Ugh, I know.
But I can confess that I think it’s totally reasonable that any man who knows what’s good for him would still be pining for me 15 years later.
Well, your self esteem is great and that’s great! But there is nobody so awesome that it wouldn’t be kind of creepy to spend 15 years pining for them, yknow?
I mean, “I remember how awesome you are and would love to meet up, get to know each other again after 15 years of change and growth and maybe start something up again?” Reasonable. “I still want to marry you”? No. Not OK.
I remember how awesome you are and would love to meet up, get to know each other again after 15 years of change and growth and maybe start something up again?”
This part is KEY. What’s giving us all the heebs is not that this long-ago ex still thinks you’re awesome, but if he hasn’t really been in your life for fifteen years, then it’s not you he wants to marry but some idol he’s built in his mind.
Meanwhile, though I know it doesn’t always feel this way, the part of the world you live in contains not an insignificant number of dudes who would be happy to get to know or date or make consensual, considerate NSA love to the You that exists now.
I will always be supportive of a “yes, cause fuck it!” attitude after a breakup but in this case you’d have to be okay with ASA sex. That’s All the Strings Attached. Good lord, so many strings.
Ok, yes. But then I leave after and strings can’t fit on the airplane, right?!?
You’d be surprised.
Did he tell you he wants to marry you by leaving you a voicemail?
Does he want you to care for his bedridden mother?
Does he write excellent poetry and draw pencil drawings of dolphins?
What are your feelings on moving to Florida?
How do you feel about cobalt blue kitchens and chandeliers in every room, including the bathrooms?
Crucially, are you prepared to murder his bedridden mother in order to lay claim to a nest egg of stocks and bonds, two diamond rings, antique furniture, rugs, a fur coat, and Wedgwood china?
AHAHAHAHAHAHA! OMG, It wasn’t a column, it was a prophecy!!!
This is perfect, you are perfect, the end.
Surely there are more convenient ways to get laid that won’t cause crying or cost $500.
Run for your life. My 10+ years ago ex keeps asking me to come to North Dakota (NOPE) and saying he still wants to marry me. Always after some woman gets wise to his ways and dumps him. Or while he’s dating her and having problems with his relationship.
If your guy was committed to this idea he would find a way to come visit you and then you could be on your terms and turf.
I have them and you’re not wrong.
Orphaned reply – this is re having a washer and dryer.
Toasties, I’m struggling with ED — food restriction and overexercise — recovery! Some days it’s great, other days I feel so stubborn about wanting to eat food and triumphant when I don’t, and others I just want to eat all. the. chocolate. Is it attainable? I am pretty sure I’ve convinced myself by this point that the notion of recovery is mostly a phantasmagoric fantasy — attractive, wonderful, but maybe ultimately unreal…. Does it get better? Why is it such a rollercoaster?
It is attainable, and it gets better. You’re doing something very hard and very brave. My dearest friend started her journey to recovery almost three years ago, and today, she’s doing so incredibly well! I know she has days, though, where she needs extra support. For the most part, though, she eats and exercises and exists without struggling with her disease. Having a network of support (even folks who don’t know about the ED or with whom you choose not to discuss it) can help mightily with the roller-coaster nature of any recovery process. Good luck!
I spent seven hours traveling yesterday, and the part that felt the longest was the ten-minute ride from the bus station to the airport, in which one of those desperate middle-aged businessmen immediately latched onto me and would not stop asking me questions about my life. I did the “pretend to be friendly because it’s less awkward” thing (the bus was crowded and I had a suitcase, so I couldn’t move to a different seat or anything), but I was screaming on the inside. UGH, MENZ.
So, funny story.
I work at a place that is getting a 3D printer. We’re setting it up so that people can use it for a set fee that covers the plastic and materials used to create whatever project they are working on.
There was a meeting yesterday with everyone in my team about how the 3D printer would change how we did things, and one of my co-workers made a whispered aside about whether people could 3D print sex toys. I, taking the responsibility to educate him, responded in a normal, non-whispered volume that no, actually, people couldn’t because the plastic would be coarse and could harbor bacteria but that people could print off a sex toy as the basis for a sex toy mold if they really wanted a dildo.
And then everyone on my team slowly turned their heads toward me and and just stared for a second. It was awkward.
In sum: Sometimes I forget that I’m not on the internet and that can lead to problems.
This is a great story. A+ response.
OH MY GOD I have a story about this.
My company sells 3D printers, and while you are correct that nothing a regular consumer-grade 3D printer prints would be suitable to put into your body, there are a few printers that are capable of printing dental prostheses and medical appliances that could conceivably be sterilized and used for a sex toy. BUT I DIGRESS–so one time we were working with a customer who wanted a prototype before they bought a printer and they sent us an .stl file to print and we opened it and it was THE HEAD OF A PENIS. My coworker was like “…is this what I think it is?” and we were all YEP THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT IT IS. It had a little hole in the tip and everything. We took it to our boss and he was likke “uh…..can you ask if that’s what they intended to send?” and the customer was like “Yep! Sure is!” and we declined to print it and they declined to buy from us, so…..that was the story of how we received the .stl file of a very detailed, veiny penis head. I think we still have it.
D:
That is absolutely brilliant, and definitely something that I hope happens at work because of who I am as a person. 😀
I feel like there will probably be people who want to print out their Custom Sex Toy, so I think that your coworkers will probably have to deal with that Bag of Awkward soon enough. So you broke them in and gave them a good out on why someone can’t print out their toy, or at least couldn’t print out a toy to use in their own body. Or maybe just a blanket “No printing anything that you put in your mouth, or elsewhere in your body” policy.
(Because of who I am as a person, I’m wondering if a condom would take care of the coarse plastic problem, at least if a person went over with the toy with sandpaper beforehand to take care of the rough edges.)
Yeah, a condom would cover up the problem just fine, but for some reason a dildo mold was the first thing that came to mind when I was in the meeting.
My brain is inscrutable.
MUPPET SHOW REBOOT THIS IS NOT A DRILL MUPPET SHOW REBOOT
(Also, I am okay with the person they have chosen to pen it, because even though they work on *spit* Big Bang Theory, they have also written one of my all-time favorite Muppet specials sooooo)
I DON’T KNOW HOW TO RESPOND TO THIS.
what
what
WHAT
I’m deeply conflicted about this. 😐
I’m like, if it’s anything like Muppet Classic Theater (aforementioned favorite Muppet special) then yeah, but if it’s anything like the two most recent movies, I want no part of this.
I’ve started doing tacfit in addition to krav maga and jesus god all life is pain
I did at least 160-ish squats yesterday and my legs are weeping. On the plus side, while I was definitely doing easier exercises than the burly tuff guy types in my class (there’s like four different difficulty levels of each exercise), I still managed to almost entirely keep up with them. Which, I was a noodly pudgy out-of-shape nerd for a really long time, and I still think of myself as weak and small, so not just tapping out entirely feels GREAT. Also, the krav instructors think I should test for the next level classes, and I’m thrilled ngl!
Tell me about your fitness and exercise stuff! All this exercise I’m doing has me pretty much constantly pumped up to talk about sports and talk about other people’s workouts and also flex my small, but growing arms at people!
Ahhhhhh! I have the TACFIT package and discovered the hard way that I’m not in good enough shape for it yet. I used to do FlowFit occasionally, though I haven’t for a while. I’m gonna start incorporating it again, thanks to your reminder!
SO JELIS of 160 squats. I can’t wait to get back to lifting again.
Oh man, I am sooooo not motivated enough to even attempt this sort of thing at home, so I’m impressed! Honestly, if it weren’t immediately after krav, I don’t know that I would go — it’s really a combination of my natural laziness and lack of interest in going home to do other productive things + social pressure from all the instructors that gets me into class each week, haha
I mean, they were mostly bodyweight squats, with some with a 10kg weight (so basically bodyweight squats), so it’s not that ridiculous, but still 8I
Have you considered eating more cod?
Seriously though, this is heroic and I tip my hat to you.
Toasties, does anyone have experience ending an apparently perfect long-term relationship with a wonderful person just because you wanted something different? I am going through a really hard time in my life in general right now and am having divorce fantasies that are making me feel like an irrational and immoral person. But acknowledging the option has also felt strangely liberating. I have never experienced life as a single independent woman and there is something so compelling about getting to one day.
Is that acknowledging it to yourself or to your long-term person? Those are different things. It is great to have allowed yourself that openness and feel the liberation of the option, but what happens if you bring it up with them? Maybe that liberating feeling is not the final place you will rest with this?
As is the case in almost all relationship questions, there is no substitue for honest communication. Good luck
Is wanting “different” wanting to experience being with different people? and is the appeal of single getting to experience difference or rather solitude? Tall One and I have been together almost 18 years, and over the last few years we’ve been taking extended work travel opportunities alone rather than as a couple as a way to experience a different dynamic without ending the relationship.
I spent last summer in Boston teaching by day, sightseeing solo on weekends, and hanging out with (though not actively pursuing sexual or romantic relationships with) other men and women. I got a good dose of solitude and quietude, and even the primarily friendly and only occasionally mildly flirty interaction with others reminded me of why I like HIM so much. It was good for me to have a more concrete experience of what it was like to be single-ish rather than just an idea in my head. This summer he’s going to China with basically the same plan, so we’ll each have had the experence of Travel Single and Home Single.
I know not everyone has this kind of schedule/geographic flexibility, but it worked well for us. Back home, at least once a month I make sure to go out with friends who are MY friends rather than OUR friends for a similar dose of different experience of the world.
What kind of food do you like to serve for a party? How about a house-warming? Party food menus!!
Someone inspired me recently by telling me about how years ago he threw a party with fried chicken, white wine, and strawberries for dessert for the people on his english literature department after an indecisive vote on his case “and got tenure.”
I think the comfort food + sophisticated mixture is key in why that menu sounds so good. What do you like to serve, and where do you get ideas? What would you serve for a house-warming party for adults, the full gamut, i.e. 25-85 year olds??
(I am not quite in this situation yet but hoping to be in a year or so… so ideas and wishful thinking all welcome!) thanks!
I almost always default to make-your-own tacos with all the fixings. Flour and corn tortillas. Rice, beans, chicken, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, corn, guac, cheese, etc. Then if someone is paleo they skip the flour tortillas and if someone is veggie they skip the meat, but there’s something for everyone and I don’t have to worry too much about dietary restrictions.
I’m also a fan of things like lasagna or a fancy casserole, where it’s not something I would ever make for just myself because it makes so much food.
My girlfriend and I have thrown various iterations of a ‘DIY tacos’ party, with great success. Make a batch of meat for those who eat it (we use the Smitten Kitchen carnitas recipe); roast some veggies/make some tofu for those that don’t, and either supply shells and fixings or leave that up to your guests, whichever fits with your party vibe.
Oh geez. I tend to over think, so it’s hard for me to say. It would come down to what time of year it was and food allergies and restrictions and where in the world I was and…there might be spreadsheets involved. And then in the end I’d default back to the stuff I know I kick ass at.
So I’d probably make a couple different salsas and homemade tortillas and chips, then various things that could be deliciously wrapped in tortillas, so that different dietary needs would be easily handled for the main course without micromanaging on my part. For drinks I’d probably go with martinis and gin and tonics, because I’m not a wine person and I like drinking stuff that looks like water but tastes like perfume. Dessert would probably be a very light and simple fruit salad.
Alternately, there is no main course. Just a ton of different sauces and things to dip in them, because we really are just five year olds deep down inside and that’s why fondue is a thing.
a gif of Kermit running around waving his spindly little arms and going “yaaaaay”?
For our last housewarming–it was in mid-July, so we did little crostinis with goat cheese and roasted peppers, alternate crostinis with manchego and ham, a veggie platter, and roasted peaches stuffed with vanilla mascarpone. And a vat of sangria. And one of our friends brought a rolling cooler stuffed with mojito fixings.
We are not fancy, but it was a stunning success.
Fried chicken/white wine/strawberries menu sounds phenomenal.
My fave food/health blogger Melissa Joulwan has some nice party-food recipes.
A lot of meatballs
Superbowl party menus part one and part two.
Her Thanksgiving recipes have lots of party appropriate sides
Her food is all super-conscientious of food allergies, too.
You can get quite sophisticated with your pizza! Butternut squash, goat cheese and kale. Sauteed ramps and ricotta. Potato, asparagus and parmesan. It’s easy to make for a crowd and goes really well with whatever wine you have around (or that your guests bring you). Plus you can eat it either standing up or sitting down, which helps if you are an apartment dweller with limited space for a big ol’ banquet table, you know?
I like to make this http://www.wholefoodsmarket.com/recipe/simple-slo… for guests but I use bone and skin thighs. Adds to the flavor and you can take the skin off and the meat falls off the bone when you’re done anyway. Ya just gotta cook it for the right time so it’s not both falling apart and starting to dry, I don’t always get it just right. It’s a lot of work on the front end, but when everybody’s at your house you just dish it out when it’s done.
Couscous is good to put all that broth and vegetables on, and I’ll roast some broccoli to go along with it all (sprinkling some parmesan cheese on the broccoli, fresh or not, does NOT hurt or upset anybody.
This is another good crock pot party recipe http://www.thecrepesofwrath.com/2009/05/20/crock-…
Oh and then jambalaya, paella, Stuff plus Rice basically, you’re not gonna go wrong. (though my “paella” is not *authentic*, nor is my “tagine”, but you can give your guests the gist! And that’s all I ever aim for, being an American honky)
You know, I used to have a party food my rule for food is that it can be picked up and waved around without spraying crumbs or dripping. And I’d make, like, spanikopita triangles or tiny stuffed baked potatoes or proscuitto-wrapped asparagus.
But I like to throw a lot of parties. Not necessarily ones with a lot of drinking and gesticulating, but like, anywhere from 5 to 25 people over for a holiday gathering or just dinner and a movie. So now I don’t make anything that requires great expense or much more labor than I normally spend on cooking for myself (though I cook for myself often). My go-to formula is a big pot of soup with some kind of roasted veggies and bread. Style and contents depend on what’s cheap and in season. Maybe more rustic than you’re going for, but it works well for keeping people fed and fueled.
Last weekend I had a clothing swap and made a big pot of pho with lots of veggie fixings and pork loin on the side–I like anything that lets people pick and choose, like the taco dinner described below. I also made eggplant dip and bagel chips (because someone had given me a bag of baby eggplants and some old bagels), spinach and rice fritters (because I had made a big spinach and rice dinner the night before that I decided I’d like better if it were fried), crispy roasted potato wedges (I always keep potatoes around for this reason), various sorts of homemade pickles, fresh fruits, and some granola-y fruit bars. Basically just cleaned out my fridge and pantry, but I put things on nice plates and it seemed to go over very well.
If I want a finger foods buffet I often pick items from this list: http://www.nytimes.com/2007/12/19/dining/19mini.h…
They’re all fast and easy to make for a crowd. I also like to put out only some of them at a time and refill the plates as needed (or swap out for a new one)
thanks to everyone for their ideas! I am happily mulling it all over! I fear that older guests (70+) might not enjoy tacos, given the potential for wobbliness and mess, but am definitely going to try that for a party of just people my age sometime. And all the finger foods you guys mention sound delicious! hm hm hm. mmmm.
mixing a big bowl of drink for the occasion, whether it is sangria, or a giant bowl of some fancy cocktail, or an old punch recipe, also seems crucial!
Do you have a food blog?? All your food photography/styling is so professional and amazing.
Toasts! Anyone in Montreal? I am about to come spend 3 weeks in your city for work, and while I will be working million-hour days most of the time, I have never been there and would also like to experience the city! I am staying downtown (near McGill) and would welcome any suggestions for food/drink establishments, museums, outdoor things, or even just areas to explore.
I’m not there anymore, but here is a list I recently sent to a friend who is workcationing there for the next few months.
best greasy-spoon diner meals:
the binerie http://www.labineriemontroyal.com/
best candy store:
freak lunchbox http://www.freaklunchbox.com/
best burger:
steerburger http://mistersteer.com/
best fancy-pants tea service:
cardinal tea room http://www.thecardinaltea.com/
best vinyl:
aux 33 tours http://aux33tours.com/
best dumplings:
mai xiang yuan http://www.urbanspoon.com/r/67/1535802/restaurant…
decent bars:
Hotel Herman http://www.urbanspoon.com/r/67/1697120/restaurant…
and The Sparrow https://www.facebook.com/TheSparrowBar
decent bakeries: http://www.urbanspoon.com/r/67/1588018/restaurant… http://www.mamieclafoutis.com/
I really liked concerts at Il Motore, apparently now called “RITZ”: http://justshows.com/montreal/venues/bar-le-ritz-…
(alongside the Casa del Popolo empire, obviously)
the thrift store chain I mentioned is Renaissance: http://www.renaissancequebec.ca/
and there’s also a half-decent junk store on St Laurent: http://www.lechainon.org/en/coffre_accueil.php
in amongst all the good vintage / consignment shops, like Eva B, Citizen Vintage, etc.
and you probably know this, but, when the lineup is huge at Schwartz’s deli, go across the street to Main Street Deli.
I’m in Ottawa, not Montreal, but we go fairly often (being the nearest decent sized city).
I like St Viateur for bagels: https://www.stviateurbagel.com
Drawn and Quarterly for books: https://www.drawnandquarterly.com/
Museum-wise, my favourites are:
Canadian Centre for Architecture: http://www.cca.qc.ca/en
Pointe-à-Callière, history/archeology museum (I have an ancestor buried in the cemetery they unearthed in the basement): http://www.pacmusee.qc.ca/en/home
Montreal Contemporary Art Museum: http://www.macm.org/en/
DHC/ART: http://dhc-art.org/ (non-profit art gallery with awesome exhibitions)
I’m not sure what the botanical garden (http://espacepourlavie.ca/en) is like at this time of year, but there are indoor things (insectarium, greenhouses, Biodome, planetarium). It is rather pricey, though (and adds up, because they are all separate entrance fees).
Also, the Biosphere (http://www.ec.gc.ca/biosphere/default.asp?lang=En&n=3C2E8507-1), built originally for Expo 67, is now a very cool environmental museum these days (and is on an island amongst the other, many crumbling, Expo 67 leftovers).
Hey, Houston-area Toast! If we’ve not caught you before, email me- mel @ melaniegreene .com – we met up a couple weeks ago and it turns out we are all amazing fun and we’re meeting again soon, so you should join us!
Oh, it’s relevant then to mention that we’ve stayed friendly ever since. We’ve lived in different cities but never really lost touch. I’m not sure that changes much since I definitely feel like the “me” that he adores exists only in his head.
Yeahhh it’s not really better that he’s been “friendly” with you all these years while really wanting to marry you. I think you know this is a terrible idea! The only way its relevant is I’d revise my former statement to:
“I still think you’re awesome and I’d love to meet up and see where things go!” Reasonable. “I still want to marry you” No. Not OK.
Fallen London thread? I don’t see one yet.
I have not one but two spare Starveling Cats. If you want one, please leave your username here.
I also have more Parabolan Kittens than I remembered, enough so that you could just send me a coffee invite (make sure to say it’s for a kitten, though): an_ocelot. (Only available by gift from someone who backed the Sunless Sea Kickstarter at a certain level; +3 Persuasive, +1 Bizarre, and much more conventionally cute than the Starveling Cat.)
I would love one, if you have any left! Theodora Thundersmith.
One Starveling Cat your way. Edit: still one left.
Thanks!
Fallen London updates! One of my characters has just solved the Jack case and is waiting for an Iron Republic safe conduct. In the meantime, is the Cave of the Nadir worth focusing on?
I think so. Once you get there, you can sell the location for a big one-time payment, and you can return each week (I didn’t realize this at first!). Some of the cards you can draw there are profitable, some are not; stay too long and you’ll damage your stats (but I’m stat-capped and don’t really care).
The Iron Republic is really interesting. One of my favorite places.
Thanks! I’m quite excited about the Iron Republic! I just need one more mark of credit page.
Did you need to sell your soul to get the Iron Republic safe conduct?
I’ve just about run out of things to do on Fallen London — I’ve solved Jack, sailed just about everywhere on my submarine, gone to the cave, cracked open the stolen box of intrigue, gone to Flute Street several times, learned the secret that the diplomats don’t like to share in Wilmot’s End, gotten to the end of my ambition, etc. It is kind of sad. But there haven’t been any chances for an Iron Republic safe conduct pass — that would be intriguing.
It shows up for me under Talk to a Local Gossip at my lodgings!
You definitely don’t have to sell your soul–the devils won’t touch mine from well before I went.
I’m still working on my zubmarine, which is quite boring. Up to 8 whirring contraptions! I have all the lenses ready. I’ve been having fun playing plant vs plant recently — I’ve been up and down the levels quite a bit, and I always feel awful when I beat someone, but it’s enjoyable.
(BaronBenas is the name)
I made my way to the entrance of the Cave of the Nadir. Now I just need one more Eyeless Skull so I can move on to the next step.
Cool! If you are in a super-hurry you can check the forums for any extras. (I don’t have any right now, I sell them immediately, sorry.)
I am doing all kinds of investigations at the University! This is in the service of a multi-step plan to bone a Rubbery Man, because… that is who I am.
Hah. I had a Rubbery Consort for a while, myself, but not out of deep personal inclination but just because it was there. (I divorced it for a player marriage, again on the theory that it was there.)
I do still have a Fading Nub of a Peculiar Personal Enhancement, however.
Rubbery consort is one of those things that in theory looks cool, but does not fit my character’s personality at all. So I’ll play the game in a way that suits my character, not the most efficient way.
Yeah, there are certain things my character (who is me, +/- ) won’t do, like be Jack, but otherwise I like to try All the Things, so hey.
(Unless someone is SUPER into all things Rubbery in a role-playing way, though, the 100 Fate option in Flute Street, the Peculiar Personal Enhancement, is totally not worth it.)
Good information! Yes, my character is +/- me too, so while she’ll always be charitable to clay men and rubbery men and tomb colonists, she’s always a bit leery of those who aren’t actually human. She straight-up dislikes devils. BaronBenas keeps up her Connected: Hell, but she’s never going to sell them the location of the Cave of Nadir or get intimate with devils.
I’ll take one if you still have one left! Theoretta Rizing is in Polythreme (and being SO BAD AT LUCK CHECKS YOU GUYS), but Insufficiency Jones is available – thanks so much!
Insufficiency Jones is an excellent character name. And, sent.
Thank you!
Toasties.
My partner and I ended our five year relationship/cohabitation this week after struggling through a month of tense emails, couples counseling, and really great breaking up sex. It’s both a relief and also the worst? I don’t know how to really process that I won’t have to take care of him when he gets angry Hulkdrunk in public and breaks things but also, I’m sick today and he used to make me soup and hot toddies and read my books to me. He was the best boyfriend 87% of the time, but the rest he was kind of an entitled jerk who took me and my bill paying skills for granted. It’s good that its over…I guess.
How do you keep going through with the right choice when it sucks? Also, is it too soon to get on TInder and ask somebody to bring me soup?
I don’t know if Tinder is good for finding someone to bring you soup, but do you have any noodle houses that deliver? I always think a flavorful pho or ramen is great when I’m feeling sick.
Yeah I wouldn’t get on Tinder if you’re looking for soup and not dick pics. But I’m sorry to hear that, that sounds really hard! I don’t think its too early to try and meet some new people if you’re up for it, if that’s more what you were getting at 🙂
Toasties…I’ve been going around in circles about the future and grad school and what the heck is it that I even want to do. It’s been suggested to me several times that I should consider education and you know what I could totally see it. But it’s also not something I ever thought I would do and is definitely a different branch of what i thought I would be doing (social work). So any current or past teachers? What do you say? Is it worth it?
I’m a new teacher and I’ve finally been settling into a groove at my job, and I just adore my kids and our little classroom community and I love what I do. it is hard, though, and during harder weeks I wonder why the hell I’m spending 2 years of my life getting a degree to do this. to me, so far, the good and the bad balance out, and it’s a job that I enjoy because it challenges me in ways that I appreciate, and it builds on some of the things I like most about myself (my patience, my flexibility, my compassion, my love of learning random shit). I think a lot of it depends on where you teach, though. I’m fortunate enough to be at a really well-run, well-funded independent school.
you could also keep in mind that there are all sorts of jobs in education that aren’t about teaching a full class of children all day every day (like learning specialists, literacy people, counselors, and so on).
So, I understand if this question is taboo, and won’t be offended if it doesn’t get approved or answered or whatever. The Toast has always been so open that I was very surprised that this wasn’t handled in the open, but at the same time, I can understand why it wasn’t.
There has been much talk about Nicole taking over Toast payments, and also Maria being added to the masthead as webmaster, but there has been no conversation (so far as I could find) about Nick no longer handling payments or taking care of some of the web stuff or being taken off the masthead. Is Nick officially no longer a part of the Toast? Is everyone okay?
Not taboo at all! Nick is no longer with the company.
Hah, I just noticed that about the masthead too, and spent 30 seconds trying to figure out how I’d find out how long that had been that way, before deciding I probably couldn’t.
Toasties, I would appreciate some good thoughts to help me patiently await semi-unlikely (1 in 26) but potentially scary test results related to my pregnancy. I am not patient*, and they may call me back today but maybe not, and I can’t focus on anything. (Also good thoughts that the test results are happy ones!))
*Esp. because if I get good results, I can tell a bunch of people about the pregnancy over the weekend, and if I don’t hear (or get scary results) it’s going to be excruciating.
Welp, the very nice lady at the doctor’s office confirmed that the lab staff have left for the day, so she can’t get any info until Monday at the earliest. AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.
I had so looked forward to being able to stop feeling like this pregnancy has an asterisk attached to it. I’m 12 weeks today, other tests came back negative, and my inlaws are going to be in town for the weekend, and I really wanted to be able to tell them in person. But I am not comfortable telling them until we know for sure whether there’s a major problem. FUCK. And I’m going to a seder tonight where it would have been much more convenient to be able to explain why I’m not drinking most of the wine.
I know this is not the end of the world, and it’s way more important to me that the tests come back negative than that I get the news today. But…somehow this is making me want to cry.
Uncertainty is hard. Best wishes.
Thank you – much appreciated.
All good thoughts to you!
Many thanks!!
So many TINY cakes! This is going to drastically increase (by which I mean IMPROVE) my cake consumption because I never make deserts because I live alone and know that I will eat the entire cake by myself.
If you’re not where you want to be yet http://grooveshark.com/s/Rappaport+s+Testament+I+…
Hey, Nick is gone from the masthead and hasn’t tweeted since the contract situation in December. Is he still involved with The Toast?
He is not.
Thanks for your quick reply.
Toastpals! This is the weekend everything begins!
We got our wedding license this morning, did a final walkthrough of our venue with the caterer, my fiancée has her bachelorette party tonight and a wedding shower tomorrow, and I run my first half-marathon ever in the morning. The next two weeks include two more showers, participating in a panel at a conference, and my birthday, and the wedding is in just over a month. There’s so much going on at once that it’s honestly pretty overwhelming, but it’s all good stuff, so I’m pretty happy about it.
Anyway, that’s all I have to contribute to the open thread, but I wanted to stop in anyway and just kind of shout into the void, and also say thanks because you Toasties have been super helpful with advice and encouragement for so many of these things. So, uh, THANKS!
I’m about to leave for rehearsal for Good Friday. After the service, we’re singing psalms at the Tenebrae service. Then I’m taking the morning off from work to have the massive gigantic Easter rehearsal with the brass and organ. Then it’s off to work I go until 5, at which point I get to return to church for the Great Vigil of Easter. I don’t usually go, because the incense makes my asthma flare up, but the Bishop is coming to this one, so the whole choir is singing. 7 anthems. We’re singing 7 anthems, plus not dying from incense. I plan to surreptitiously drink vodka throughout the entire thing. Then it’s back home by, say, 10 pm, sleep the sleep of the just, then back to church at 8 am to get ready for the two Easter services we’re singing.
WHAAAAAAAAAAARGARBL
I just wanted to say thanks to those of you who helped me with my question about sertraline/Zoloft a few weeks ago! Also THANK YOU for warning about the poop situation, I had to take a day off for that shit (hehe).
I am now going to go up to 100 mg tonight but after 9 days at 50 mg I have had a bunch of good days in a row since the side effects started to wear off around day 4 or so. And, the shame I was feeling about needing SSRIs is fading away too. I am really excited. Maybe this won’t last (the part of me that guards my heart says, be careful not to get excited) but — I might become more “me” again! This is big.
(And no I have not tried alcohol since starting the sertraline, but I did enjoy some drinks at the wedding, which was lovely.)
But seriously: Goomaly, Unreadaethel, freakyteeth, radcatlady — I was very upset and y’all really helped.
I see what you did there. XD I’M SO GLAD IT WORKED OUT FOR YOU, LURK! And it’s okay – a lot of people take medication to help them. And it’d probably be best if you avoided alcohol (other than wine), coffee, soda or any kind of energy drinks altogether. It makes me feel worse and unnecessarily energetic.
ALSO, you ARE “YOU”. This is just a part of you, and we’re all with you in this together.
What do you get when you pour boiling water down a rabbit hole?
Hot, cross bunnies!
This is my dad's favorite, and possibly only joke. He tells it exactly once a year, while driving to church on Easter.
Hi everybody, I looked earlier and was so excited I’d be early to this thread this week, but missed it. Anyway, this bleak winter is finally letting up a smidge (well, it’s 30 F and raining at the moment, but this morning it was 67 and sunny and we cleaned out bunny cages (I have 5, 2 of our own and three of the landlords), which was over due. I spent about half an hour just sitting in the sun and petting a bunny. It was nice until the biggest bunny got loose and we spent another half hour trying to slowly catch him with laundry baskets. But it was warm.
I’ve had the week off of Lacrosse coaching but not work, and my kids had vacation, so there was some guilt there. I’m of course trying to do all the things that I haven’t done in the past month AND all the things that need to be done before May…and it’s going about as well as you’d expect. Especially when you add in the fact that I’m also supposed to be doing the mom holiday thing. Oh well.
I had to break down and get bifocals, and that is about $600 I didn’t have in the first place. It is nice to see lacrosse balls before they hit me in the face, though!
I’m up after midnight because I was almost asleep and the highschooler was trying to do chinups and he fell and knocked the wind out of him. After that terrifying leap to his rescue, I’m VERY awake.
The oldest is ‘home’ for the weekend–but out with friends listening to a classmate’s band. I’m stressed about his college plans, but trying to be zen about it. I don’t know if I’ll have time to work on building up his confidence before he goes back. I’ve got to get him in a better place about needing to take summer classes before he gets burned out (he’s in a pretty tough engineering program and he’s bummed about being behind).
The littlest is upset. she and I have both noticed that, although she’s not grown taller in the past year, she hasn’t hit puberty yet, and we were hoping that she’d grow some before then. (she’s only at 5 percentile). And we just found some mustache-looking fuzz, which left her sobbing herself to sleep last night. I don’t know whether to think it’s pre-puberty hormone craziness, which is worrisome because she’s only 4’6”, or a growth spurt, which would be nice, or something else.
Anyway, apparently I have not aged out of my capacity to overextend myself.
I am not a teacher, but I feel like you and I are in very similar boats (i.e. I am currently drowning in confusion and angst about grad school in social work vs other things…maybe education! maybe psychology! what about law school?). I just wanted to say that I have been cautioned by teachers in my life that teaching is rewarding but can also be extremely difficult, frustrating, and draining, so if you want to go for it, you should be sure you wholeheartedly want to BE A TEACHER. Best of luck figuring out your future…this stage of things is pretty sucktastic.
Super late but I am all done with my last event for the horrible job with the
Catholics, but it came at a price. My plantar fasciitis is so angry, and I threw out my back. But I just have one office day left and then I’m free. I’m happy, but it hasn’t really sunk in yet I think. Also I’m super tired since all the pain kept me awake last night.
These worked really well for me:
http://www.outsideonline.com/1918086/how-cure-pla…
so did rolling my feet on frozen water bottles.
Thanks! I have exercises and a frozen water bottle but 12 hour days on my feet lugging equipment every 4 weeks just wasn’t giving me a chance to really heal. Now I’m done with that job, though, I should be in better shape. A nice relaxing weekend full of bubbly wine is first up!
I just came out to my parents as bi. They took it super well! Happy easter! 🙂
Congratulations!
I suppose it would be wrong to tell you to celebrate the announcement and the holiday like a bunny, so I will reluctantly refrain.
Ha! I would love that. Let’s pretend that you didn’t refrain!
Congratulations!
I suppose it would be wrong to tell you to celebrate the announcement and the holiday like a bunny, so I will reluctantly refrain.
Three days late reply, but try Tough Pigs, they're a great Muppet news resource!