Previously: Every New England novel ever.
1. The Produce In This Los Angeles Supermarket, While Fresh, Seems Waxy And False To Me In A Way That Serves As A Moral Indictment Of This Entire City
2. A Farmer And A Forty-Niner Vie For Hilda’s Hand (Hilda Is A Metaphor For The Future Of California)
3. Death At The Mission
4. 400 Pages About Irrigation
5. I Don’t Know If Anyone Has Mentioned This Before, But People Don’t Seem To Walk As Much In Los Angeles As They Do In The City I’m From
6. A Tense Dinner At The Ranch
7. She Came From Sacramento And Knew Who Her Grandfather Was
8. No One Goes To San Diego
9. The Okies Are Further Disillusioned Upon Arrival
10. This Pool, Like L.A. Society, Is Only Reflective On The Surface And Also Lacks Depth
11. The 1960s Are Upon Us At Last
12. How Can You Develop Character In A State Without Winter?
13. Everyone Sits In Their Cars, Moving In The Same Direction But Unable To Touch: A Description Of Traffic But Also Of Life
14. The Film Industry Is Corrupt
15. Here In San Francisco, We Make Our Own Families (Out Of Friends)
16. John Muir Climbs A Tree And Describes It For Thirty-Eight Pages
17. Comparing the 1, the 101, the 5, and the 99 At Length
Tags: california, every novel ever, novels, regional differences i guess
Needs more plastic surgery and porn, and maybe something about the Santa Anas? But other than those omissions I think this is pretty much on point. As an almost-lifelong Californian I feel I have the authority to make that statement.
also
-almond’s water use/the drought
-Coachella
-gentrification
-the next big one
-where to get the best tacos, but really NO REALLY
Oh yeah! Earthquakes! Of course, jeez. Specifically something about how earthquakes happen all the time and they’re soooo routine.
Yeah! What, you woke all the way up, just for a piddling little 3.5? *I’m* so used to earthquakes that it takes a 5 to get me to roll over in my sleep!
I was so happy to read recently an article comparing the water usage of almonds/nuts in california to that of meat. Spoiler alert: if you eat almonds instead of beef, you’re saving water!
Also a lengthy comparison of the glories of In-N-Out compared to the CLEARLY INFERIOR Shake Shack and Five Guys.
thats just objectively true.
Lies!
We got a Five Guys and I was somewhat disappointed, but I think BeBop’s beats In-n-Out.
I just need to admit this to someone and this seems as good a place as any– I’m from NY so until I went to college I had only heard the phrase “in-and-out” as the creepy code word for sex in A Clockwork Orange, so I was REALLY confused when I saw that a number of my friends had joined a Facebook Group called “I miss In-N-Out’
As a NYer, the absolute most fun thing to say to enrage a Californian is “I mean, I guess the taco trucks thing is OK but they’re never nearly as good as pizza”
Adding this to my arsenal today.
WAR WAS BEGINNING.
I actually felt that sentence hit inside my ears and travel down to strike at my heart.
We are all, in some way or another, going to Reseda, someday, to DIE.
To Live And Die In Reseda?
Not in the book, but in the customer reviews:
Snide remarks about the hundreds of miles of territory north of San Francisco and Sacramento also being part of CA. Which include the following: mentioning that summer in Eureka, CA is colder than winter in Los Angeles, CA; pride in the crippling poverty and depopulation of NorCal that resulted from a decline in unsustainable logging practices, with gushing about how real nature and people there are; bitter complaints about SoCal’s theft of water from NorCal; and an invitation for those complaining about the lack of winter to spend the upcoming winter months tracking wolves near the Oregon border with promises of frostbite and directions on how to put snow chains on your impractical hybrid (not 4WD) vehicle.
Throw in the state of Jefferson, and we’re all set.
People are afraid to merge on freeways in Los Angeles.
Is it fear that holds them back, or is it ego
What magical freeway is this?
That’s the first line from “Less Than Zero”. Which pretty much falls under the “This Pool, Like L.A. Society, Is Only Reflective On The Surface And Also Lacks Depth” school of California fiction.
The Wind. The WIIIIIIIIIIND
LA Is An Apocalyptic Hellscape But I Wouldn’t Have It Any Other Way
Mmm, Oranges
Every Californian is a pioneer.
An anthero gumshoe solves a murder.
And all the women involved in the case in any way are sexy young alcoholics
…somehow involving a <outdated slur for homosexual that you had to look up online>.
While I’m certain you meant antihero, I’m enamored with the idea of an ant detective now.
I love that picture. And while, yes, that was a typo, I shall now never correct it.
the gumshoe is a holding place where they stick the bad ants
I choose to believe that this is what Antman is about. This is my decision and I will stand by it.
It’s GOT to be better than what actual Antman is about.
TECH IS THE DEVIL
Sounds like my autobiography
*cough* The Circle *cough*
Is My Life As A Sex Worker In Gold Rush San Francisco Glamorous Or Squalid or Squalidly Glamorous?
No One Goes To San Diego
ACCURATE. SO ACCURATE. Seriously, why doesn’t anyone ever come here?
I VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE.
Seriously, I love San Diego. Been twice, never for long enough.
I will also happily take one for the team and move to San Diego, especially between December and March.
Sincerely,
Aging New England Cliche
I have so many friends who live in cold places who never come to visit in the winter. We’re all poor recent college grads but it still makes me sad. I just want to take them to the beach for a little while!
You Do Not Live as Authentically as We Do, Here in the Bay Area in the 90s
So True. It’s like Portland.
Quote from one of my grad school philosophy profs who got her PhD at Berkeley: “People there worry about whether they’re eating their breakfast cereal authentically.”
A Satirical Sendup of Tech Culture That Will Become Banal Reality In, Say, Two To Three Years
When the Santa Anas Blow, Someone is Murdered.
“Forget it Jake, It’s Chinatown”
I-5 is the Road to Hell
“When the Santa Anas Blow, Someone is Murdered.” Hello there, White Oleander.
The offensive and blatant overuse of the word “the”
“She was as Beautiful as Her Hollywood Dreams Were Unfulfilled”
(also the 405!)
“That Drive Down PCH Really Changed Me”
needs more disillusionment ala Fante
Being flaky is acceptable here because it means everyone is busy and there are no hard feelings, it’s all good.
hard feelings are a real bummer maaaan
I think there was something in the bible about that
And Jesus said unto Pilate, “Can u not harsh my buzz, bro?”
344 Pages About Simplicity Set in One of the Most Expensive High-Tech Cities on Earth and Also Google Glass is Bad
It’s the 80s and everyone is dying here in San Francisco. It’s beautiful.
Did you know that Silicon Valley used to be full of the most amazing fruit trees? This is a metaphor.
It’s true. They used to call it the Valley of Heart’s Delight.
(This is poignant irony.)
My grandfather worked his butt off in school studying science so he never had to work in San Jose again. My husband worked his butt off studying engineering so he could work in San Jose. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Something Something about the Edge of the Continent and Also the World
Someone is a Sunburned Surfer Type Who Drives an Old Truck
Nefarious Marijuana Farm Connections
Is There Anything East of Oakland? No
The Smell of the Slaughterhouse On 5 is a Metaphor
Two things East of Oakland: Truckee for skiing, and Reno for gambling and quick marriages.
12. How Can You Develop Character In A State Without Winter?
Indeed.
19. Her Welcome, Like The Weather, Grew Chilly
Three paragraphs about the quality of light (it is golden, slanting, or intoxicating, and comes from a special sun that ceases to shine once you cross into Nevada).
Oh! Oh! And perennial favorite, Her Whimsically Styled Outfits Made Her Pretty But Wearing Them With Combat Boots Made Her Beautiful
YES! It only ever changes me because you drive 5 miles an hour and hate the whole world by the time you get anywhere.
-That girl at the party, that wannabe starlet, lied about being from Bakersfield. Everyone there also lied about being from Bakersfield.
-The dentist’s wife sat on the porch of their one story Costa Mesa rancher and sighed at her lemon tree. Joni Mitchell played in the background.
-An entry-level data analyst from Swarthmore reads Kerouac and complains about the human feces on the Muni elevators, but also does his fair share of MDMA.
-Everyone warned that newcomer that they’ll need a better sweater than that. These nights are chilly, but no one ever listens. Everyone learns that one the hard way.
–
About An Hour and Fifteen Minutes With Traffic
I Saw Snow, Once, at Big Bear
This Building is More Than Forty Years Old
hehheehee *snort*
This could EXTREMELY ACCURATELY describe my home city, which is on the other side of the world.
Plus ça change, etc…
I worked with a very nice Swiss woman once – she got off the plane from Switzerland and immediately went on a camping trip that segued flawlessly into a botany collecting trip – and we were caught in LA traffic while returning from Catalina.
“What”, she said, “are those diamond symbols in the next lane for?”
I assumed that this was a very tactful way of reminding me that carpool lanes existed, and that we’d been sitting motionless for ten minutes because I was not doing great at situational awareness. I laughed, and pulled into the lane, and started driving and laughing… a little bit hysterically, it had been a very long week and also LA TRAFFIC.
“No really, what are they for? Why are we in this lane now? Are you OK?”
“This lane is for people who have more than one person in their car.”
“This is a joke. I do not believe you.” Ten minutes passed. “WE ARE THE ONLY PEOPLE WITH MORE THAN ONE PERSON IN OUR CAR.”
Other conversations from this trip:
“I know McDonalds and Burger King sell burgers. What does Jack in the Box sell?”
“Burgers.”
“And Sonic?”
“Burgers.”
“And In n’ Out?”
“Look, it’s burgers all the way down.”
This is priceless
Trying so hard not to freak out my officemate with my silent shaking laughter.
The next time I drive down El Camino (so, tomorrow) I’m going to think “it’s burgers all the way down”. The next time and every time. Thank you.
Carpools and burgers, the platonic ideal of Californian existence. Get out! Run, the entire state is doomed! Flee! If you stay too long, not even the sea will accept you!
Fact: this is why surfing is so popular in California. Longtime residents cannot drown: the sea keeps spitting them back onto the surface.
She was extremely excited when we a.) ended up grabbing groceries in Beverly Hills (she texted all her friends her photo: she was covered in dirt and wearing old clothes with a shit-eating grin: “This is how I dressed to shop in Beverly Hills!”) and b.) when we saw a rattlesnake. (Repeat: photo of her and snake, GIANT GRIN, I learned and forgot the German word for rattlesnake.)
Aaaalso that night a dude body-checked the door of our hotel room open except for the door chain and then kept trying to get in – probably drunkenly believing it was his room, potentially for other reasons – and I snarled “GET OUT, I HAVE A GUN.” and he left.
“You have a gun!?”
“No.”
“You sounded like you had a gun!”
“Yes, well, he left because I sounded like I had a gun.”
And THAT is the day that I felt more American than I ever have, before or since.
This is the funniest thing I have read in years….holy crap.
re: number 15…when i was a teenager i wanted to grow up to be Anna Madrigal so i could open up a home for families made out of friends and waft around in kimonos and caftans.
i’m still not sure this is all that bad an aspiration.
That is awesome.
I was never sure if she was counterfeiting money and that’s why all her joints were wrapped in hundred dollar bills, or if she just… found counterfeit c-notes all the time, and was actually shoring up the US economy by destroying them.
Depending on the state of the economy counterfeiting is kind of helpful if no-one catches on. (Note to treasury department agents: I am mostly joking here.)
god, i kinda like the idea that she was counterfeiting money just for rolling papers 🙂
Our Fault Lines Are More Interesting Than Our Faults
All Farm Labor Is Humble Tragedy (no but actually)
Haha, Startups
And We Respect the Dignity of Our Manual Laborers by Consistently Portraying Them as Being Pure and Authentic And Therefore In Need of Guidance by Their Social Betters*
*This does not apply to Steinbeck, bless him. But man, all the other times though.
– This Place Used To Be About Something, You Know?
– Cultists as Neighbors
– I Have Found Myself. Whoops, No, I Lost Myself Again. Crap.
– I Have Been Here For Five Whole Years, Newcomer
– Get Out Of My City, Unsightly Poor People, But Could You Make Me A Half-Caf Latte First?
– Claim Your Bit Of The Californian Dream, Then Fight Like Hell To Keep Everyone Else Off Of Your Dream (Or, Bolinas Is A Metaphor For California)
– In The Hills Where Woz Lives
– My Secret Canyon Road That Bypasses The 405 That No One Else Knows About Except Everybody I Brag To About It In The Supermarket
/5th generation Californian
/Thanks for this! It’s awesome.
Is Bolinas the Bay Area town that hides the sign so people can’t find them?
That’s them!
Awesome! I am tangentially not-really related to some people who live there (boyfriend’s extended family) and I have never been there. I giggle every time I hear about them, though!
12. How Can You Develop Character In A State Without Winter?
No but seriously. How
Easily.
There does seem to be a high concentration of characters here.
How Can You Develop Character In A State Without Winter Water?
Fixed that for you.
Part II: How Can You Develop Character in a State Without Winter Water?
I have record breaking character this year.
A good many of these are also Every Conversation About California Had In New York, as well.
A Diversionary Chapter: The North-South Shibboleth, or “I-5 versus The Five”.
Followed by “North and South Part II: Madrone or Madrona?” for Oregon and Washington.
Check out my LA-based longform magazine memoir, “The Definite Article.”
(While funny on it’s own, this is much better as it was intended: as a reply to “The offensive and blatant overuse of the word “the”.”)
nothing has ever made me as sad as this not being a real thing does.
Like 90% of this is the crux of Joan Didion novels.
Hiking (what the rest of the world calls going for a walk up a hill)
And someday, you easterners (anyone from the wrong side of the Sierras is an easterner) will go somewhere other than the Westside of LA or the San Fernando Valley. Character building by Winter is an eastern myth. Character can be built by battling smog, drought, the freeways, and all of you who’ve come crowding into California so you can complain that you miss the change of seasons. Bah, humbug to the lot of you!
How You Can Develop in a State Without Winter, in 140 Characters or Less.
I’m Only Waiting Tables Until I Get My Big Break.
Everyone in this Starbucks is Writing a Screenplay
Waze has Ruined All of my Sneaky Shortcuts.
Build Your Character by Driving a Stick Shift on the 110 to the 10 to the 405.
You’re missing Amy Tan!
A woman is doomed to become exactly like her incredibly difficult mother.
17. How can you not talk about 280? Have you no soul?
I admit I read literally zero comments, so forgive any redundancy, but the 405 comes way before the 99 and also before the 5 and the 10 is totally in there also, and not just because it was the Most Important Freeway for eight years of my life back in college.