1. Crocoite: Slim jims enjoying a nice bubble bath.
Image via Wikimedia
2. Malachite: What we have here is the embodiment of the overreaching entitlement of Nice Guys. Somewhere, there is a man in a fedora who does not age. But every year, the mountain of dicks grows. and it yearns. oh, it yearns.
Image via Wikimedia
3. Realgar on calcite: This is the rose from Beauty and the Beast. Stop trying to trick us, rocks.
Image via Wikimedia
4. Bismuth: This is clearly the throne of a Crystal King, who maybe has an overly excitable interior decorator.
Image via Wikimedia
5. Azurite: Portal to an ’80s prog rock cover.
Image via Wikimedia
6. Sulfur crystals: This is how you make Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Image via Flickr
7. Citrine: Sun god dildo.
Image via Wikimedia
8. Danburite quartz: Furry sun god dildo.
Image via Wikimedia
9. Tourmaline: Amazon review: Looks like candy. Is not candy. 0/10, would not eat again
Image via Wikimedia
10. Opal fossil: Dragon egg.
Image via Wikimedia
11. Pyrite: Robot poop.
Image via Wikimedia
12. Black Lightning Opals: What Loki needs to destroy the world. Don’t give it to him.
Image via Imgur
13. Scolecite: At least part Tribble.
Image via Wikimedia
14. Amethyst geode: A portal leading into the vast vacuum of Space.
Image via Flickr
15. Pyrite, again: Here we have the earliest ancestor of the rock-’em sock-’em robot.
Image via Wikimedia
16. Crystal opal: Dammit, another new party drug? I can’t keep up with them. I’m too old for this shit.
Image via Wikimedia
Tags: gemstones, humor, jacqueline steiger, rocks
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Man, I love rocks. Look at that bismuth! NATURE MADE THAT! Those perfect right angles with their oil-spill rainbow colours just… happened all by themselves somehow (I am not very good at science, which makes everything seem magical to me). Wow.
When I was a kid my parents bought me one of those “grow your own crystals!” sets, and I spilled the solution on one of the kitchen chairs. It dutifully sprouted what I thought were ~*~mystical gemstones~*~. It was such an awe-inspiring experience for me to sit on that chair and I didn’t understand why my brother and parents didn’t fight me for the privilege.
the very first gift i ever gave mr.spoon was a beautiful chunk of bismuth just like this one, just because. because i saw and bought a beautiful chunk of bismuth.
this is still a touchpoint for him for why i am the best ever. and he is a rockhound too and we just went to our first mineral show together and <3
That’s amazing. Now I dream of meeting a man I want to buy minerals for. <3
That is awesome!
ROCKS! My favorite part of natural history museums is the Hall of Minerals. Never fails to blow my mind that nature made those shapes and colors. By herself, underneath the dirt. I have to imagine that it’s one of the most thrilling experiences you can have, to crack open a rock or whatever and then there’s just a tiny cave made of amethyst in there.
They don’t really have those kind of rocks near where I live and I can’t tell you how sad that made me when I was ten. Well, and now, but I can handle it better now.
I am so, so sorry to burst your bubble, but the gorgeous rainbow staircase crystal generally only occurs in lab-processed bismuth. It’s still really awesome, because science! But natural bismuth is usually a slag byproduct from mining or comes in ugly grey lumps.
Geologist twitches aside, I loved this. May I offer stibnite, which looks like someone turned a porcupine into the Terminator?
THANK YOU ELYSE I LOVE YOU
Also I’m sad to see galena didn’t make the cut. It’s my favorite mineral both for its shiny cubes and for its density.
ETA: EMBEDDING Y U GOTTA BE LIKE THIS
Galena was my favoritest thing ever to demo to my students, because I would throw it against the ground and shatter it into perfect cleavage. DAT CLEAVAGE THO
I LOVE GALENA!! Its such a pretty silvery color. I have a small cube of it in my mineral collection!
Robot poop has got to be my all-time favorite though.
AWESOME. That is exactly what that looks like.
Anyone who is a geologist, or at least geologist-curious, want to give me the rundown on opals? In particular, there’s that whole “fire opal” subplot in a Tamora Pierce book, and I have a sneaking suspicion that there are things I should know about opals. Are some of them less expensive and more sparkley? Do opals have some of the same human rights issues as diamonds? Are there really a bunch of different kinds or are some of them not REALLY opals? or are they all really just opals, and some of them have better PR?
It is hydrated amorphous silica (i.e., not actually a mineral). Value for these things typically depends on prettiness, rarity, and heritage, some are definitely more sparkly than others, it’s semi-precious so probably not?, and I think they’re all opals (but you probably need a gemologist for that, not a geologist).
….. i would now like a “gemologist” of my very own.
I promise I would take good care of them.
ETA: I don’t necessarily want GEMS. And if I did, I wouldn’t necessarily want to wear them, just sit in front of them like a stereotypical dragon. I would much prefer having a personal gemologist to tell me about these things.
I once spent an hour in the gems/minerals room of the American Museum of Natural History with a geologist friend and I can confirm that it was an amazingly educational and entertaining way to spend time. Do make an effort to get a personal gemologist.
Opals are awesome! There are in fact a bunch of different kinds, and “fire opals” are a real thing. The variations in colors are, if I remember correctly, based on how tightly packed the silica atoms are.
I don’t think there’s a such thing as a “blood opal” (or the equivalent of a “blood diamond”). Like 95% of the world’s opals come from Australia.
In Australia they’ve found opalised dinosaur bones! (Screw you autocorrect, it’s Australia so that spelling is correct.)
OPAL DINOSAUR.
“Opal Dinosaur” is the name of my T.Rex cover band.
There’s also ammolite which is sort of like opal! I own one but it’s not anywhere as dramatic as these: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ammolite Mine is just kind of, “Ooooh shiny.”
(Also is the the place where I can ask for help with gem identification? I have one that just sort of randomly turned up when I was a kid, and Im not sure what it is.)
I saw a lot of ammonite when writing this. Ammonite is weird and awesome.
Late reply, but mineralogy was kind of my jam back in school, I can try and help!
Oh man, mine was a late reply with some thought of “Well, maybe someone will see this.” Your’s is not a late reply, but an answer to my vague hope.
Here you go: https://flic.kr/s/aHskb5aQja
It’s orange and has a kind of prism-y effect if you hold it up to the light. I may have uploaded more photos of that than I ought to have because it was really hard to photograph and I didn’t want it to be wasted. I lean towards Citrine, but I’m not sure.
Hmmm. Based on its translucency, I would definitely lean more towards Fluorite!
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fluorite
Thank you!
(Sorry for the very late reply, been very busy)
Actually, the rainbow ish type shine in it along with the formation of the stone and color makes me think it’s more likely citrine.
There’s an opalised Pliosaur at the museum here. Hmmm maybe I’ll go visit it on my lunchbreak. There’s also opalised something or other spikes (Ammonites, maybe? I don’t remember) and they look like unicorn horns.
I don’t know that much about opals, but I do know that there’s a place in the Okanagan, Canada, where they take you to an opal mine and you go mine your own opals, which makes me think that there’s probably not the same human rights issues/shadiness there is with diamonds for at least some sources of opals.
Though there is a place in Arkansas where you can mine your own diamonds, so maybe not great evidence (went there once, it was horrible, found no diamonds).
Opals are fucking awesome. They have shine and sparkle and are just gorgeous. (They scratch and chip easily, though, so they’re not ideal for rings.)
Crystallized rocks/minerals/gems/molecules (what have you) are the most beautiful things. Had I not sucked at and hated Physical Chemistry and therefore the actual work that goes into crystallography, I would’ve become a crystallographer. I say that like my husband says that had he not injured his elbow in high school, he could’ve become a professional tennis player.
Gems/minerals are literally the number one reason I became an electrical engineer. Silicon is a crystal (THE COOLEST CRYSTAL) and material engineering classes in college were my faves. I wish I got to apply more of that knowledge practically, these days I don’t get to see silicon until it’s been doped and diced and permanently packaged.
Look how cool it is!! (Image from Wikipedia on the Czochralski growth process.)
WHAAAAAAAT YOU CAN DO THAT THAT IS MAGIC.
You grew the Stanley Cup!
GEMS!!!
MINERALS AND GEMS!!!
^_^
also, 10/10 post, minerals are so weird. gem and mineral halls are realms of pure fantasy.
I’m not really a jewelry person and my taste is not especially sparkly, but when I go to the mineral gallery at the Museum of Natural History I’m like yeah, I would pay thousands of dollars to own that intrinsically-worthless object. If I were rich enough I would touch the shit out of that bismuth, and I would probably briefly put the opals in my mouth.
bismuth is not expensive for smaller pieces! you can totally touch some and/or put it in your mouth! this is an achievable life goal!
don’t put just opals in your mouth, though, because if it’s not 100% real stone and includes artificial filler layers, moisture can seep in and make them cloudy. :/ if you are super rich and can get full whole opals though, nom as many as you’d like!
Bismuth in your mouth, you say?
😀 science experiment time! http://science.wonderhowto.com/how-to/theres-meta…
Gah, I wish I still had access to my university chem stockroom. This would be so doable!
there’s always something like this: http://www.instructables.com/id/Make-Bismuth-Crys…
actually might try this as a weekend project sometime soon.
WHAT
Wow, the people behind pepto-bismol missed a real opportunity to make an ingestible product that shines in a rainbow of colors
Monks Invent Pepto Bismol:
“Hmm, what color should we make this anti-emetic?”
“Well, it IS made of bismuth – why don’t we just let it shine through in all its trippy, iridescent glory? If you are feeling shitty, EAT SPACE and feel better!”
“Nah. Hot pink. Errybody loves hot pink. Someone’s church will probably even paint all its Sunday School rooms in hot pink and they will all call it Pepto Pink*. We’ll be remembered forever!”
*true story. ugh.
I read “shits in a rainbow of colors” and thought yeah that would be so rad
Unfortunately it just makes you poop black. But hey at least the poop happens.
This article is pretty much only about my love for gemstones. I actively distrust myself in terms of owning/wearing/not losing jewelry so I mostly just look at pictures of rocks.
Does Bismuth not sound like a real stoned person saying “business” to you? ITS BISMUTH TIME.
I recently visited the Smithsonian Natural History museum and was so enchanted by all the bonkers rocks and crystals that the Hope Diamond at the end of the exhibit seemed pretty boring in comparison.
My junior year of high school, our class went on a weekend trip to DC. After getting a ludicrously brief 45 minutes at the Air and Space Museum (something for which I have still not forgiven our trip planner), we were given four hours to spend at the Smithsonian (yes, the ENTIRE Smithsonian, which is criminal in its own right), and I spent a good 3.5 hours of it in the natural history museum staring at rocks. I regret nothing.
Well, nothing rock-related, anyway.
diamonds are just not that exciting, unless you want to cut something or something. also – Hope Diamond – very big for a diamond, not that big for a rock.
Diamonds are the best thermal conductors, which I posit is pretty exciting. You can use them to transfer heat out of something and into a liquid helium stream without getting that something covered in liquid helium! (Although sapphire is more commonly used, it’s cheaper. Stupid wedding industrial complex.)
Hope diamond, though, not that exciting. Although I do know a guy who got to carry it around the Smithsonian in his pocket for a while, which would be terribly exciting.
I don’t think the Hope Diamond is all that, fwiw.
Yeah, the mineral exhibit is like the geological version of the Garden of Earthly Delights, with a bunch of crazy stuff that makes you go “HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THAT” every two feet. And then the hope diamond is just a stupid necklace with too many people crowding around it.
I felt exactly the same way when I visited years ago. SO MANY AWESOME ROCKS. Hope Diamond: kinda big, I guess? But looks like a diamond; nothing new or interesting there.
I usually start at the Fancy Gemstones side and work my way back. And I skip the Hope Diamond, because big deal, it catches and throws light in pretty ways. Gimme something with SCHILLER.
Samesies. I was there about a month ago and could have spend years looking at all the pretty shinies in the rock hall. Spent like 5 seconds on the Hope Diamond, mostly reflecting (again) on how little I like diamonds. Give me a good London blue topaz any day.
Crocoite: Poutine.
Cannot upvote poutine enough.
100% agreed. Unfortunately, I’m from Los Angeles and have never eaten poutine. Thank you for correcting my error.
All I could think about during this great article was Steven Universe.
Somehow it seems fitting that Malachite is a jerk.
Personally, I was thinking of Sailor Moon.
I love Steven Universe but I get irrationally upset whenever they talk about Peridot because they pronounce it incorrectly. :[
BUT ALSO WHERE DID SHE GO
IM SO GLAD SOMEONE ELSE NOTICED THE MISPRONUNCIATION
I mean they are aliens so maybe its just a cultural thing? But then that raises questions as to why they are speaking English at all…
It might be!
And lol, I love how yesterday I’m like “where did Peridot go” and then (spoilers) WHAM THERE SHE IS
I know. What is the deal with the bismuth crystal that Rose left bubbled in the pocket dimension treasure trove in Lion’s mane? Who is this Bismuth?? When will we know???
Brb, returning to my childhood semi-precious stone collection.
My parents gave me this wooden box that I filled with my collection and I felt like the coolest combination of pirate and dragon. (The box was from shipping a wine bottle and my hoard was, like, 20 pieces of different colored quartz but hey, I had a good time with it.)
Sometimes, for a few days, I forget to think about rocks, and how neat they are. No wonder I’ve been so cross! Now I will think about these charming minerals and be at peace. (These are all like the super exotics at the pet rock show. For sure.) (Still thinking about a pet rock mountain T-shirt!)
You forgot lepidolite! Here’s a botryoidal specimen, which is a pretty rare habit for a mica:
I love the adjective botryoidal. My dad used it all the time. You never know how often you need to be able to succinctly compare things to grapes until you know it exists.
anyone else have this amazing book as a child?
MOST DEFINITELY.
Actually, I had a whole bunch of Eyewitness Books. They were the best.
I was literally just coming here to post about this book!! I checked it out all the time from the library. I’m actually gonna go buy it off Amazon right now because I am finally an adult with (some) money. I love Eyewitness Books.
I had so many Eye Witness books, including this one. Those books were/are fantastic!
Definitely owned that book.
The enthusiastic response to this post has me thinking it would be fun to arrange a Boston-area Toast meet-up at the gem room at Harvard’s natural history museum…
Yasss
I’m in if this happens!
Fuck yeah!
Don’t hate me mineral lovers, but I have a mineral makeup made of crushed bismuth, and it’s amazing! It also has some kind of pink pigment in it (I don’t have it here with me to look at the ingredients) but it’s a gorgeous sparkly loose shdow (or at least that’s what I use it for)
ETA: it’s this! http://ofracosmetics.com/dermamineralpowder-pinks…
I do all the shadows but the lid then add a sticky base to my lid and tap this on with my finger and finish with gel liner for a neutral but sparkly look.
For #1, Crocoite, I am pretty sure those are not Slim Jims. They appear to be Sour Power Watermelon Licorice Straws.
http://sweetfactory.com/sour-power-watermelon-lic…
I’m thinking sweet potato fries, myself.
An intriguing theory.
This post rocks. Stones and imagination; two of my favorite things. People at work think I’m weird because I use rocks as paperweights. Maybe if I could afford fancy pretty ones instead of the ones I find for free, but like the shape of, they would be madly jealous instead.
They may be entitled and achingly unused dicks, but they also seem to have some pretty advanced HSV2.
But labradorite though.
I may or may not have a minor obsession with labradorite.
I have stood on a tower of sulphur five stories high.
The danburite quartz furry sun god dildo also looks like some tonkatsu that has become sentient.
Also this is the evil version of the rose from Beauty and the Beast:
Toasties in the Chicago area: y’all should check out the Lizzadro Museum of Lapidary Art in Elmhurst, which I understand is like East Timbuktu if you live in the city, but it is a delightful little museum of the “one dude had a really appallingly huge collection” school. It’s about 50% cool rocks/minerals/gems and 50% Chinese jade carvings, and I love it dearly.
I never knew I needed this in my life until now.
An intriguing theory.
Hmmm. Based on its translucency, I would definitely lean more towards Fluorite!
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fluorite
Crocoite looks like sweet potato fries that I forgot about and rediscovered whilst cleaning out my fridge.
"Opal Dinosaur" is the name of my T.Rex cover band.