
1. Crocoite: Slim jims enjoying a nice bubble bath.

2. Malachite: What we have here is the embodiment of the overreaching entitlement of Nice Guys. Somewhere, there is a man in a fedora who does not age. But every year, the mountain of dicks grows. and it yearns. oh, it yearns.

3. Realgar on calcite: This is the rose from Beauty and the Beast. Stop trying to trick us, rocks.

4. Bismuth: This is clearly the throne of a Crystal King, who maybe has an overly excitable interior decorator.

5. Azurite: Portal to an ’80s prog rock cover.

6. Sulfur crystals: This is how you make Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

7. Citrine: Sun god dildo.

8. Danburite quartz: Furry sun god dildo.

9. Tourmaline: Amazon review: Looks like candy. Is not candy. 0/10, would not eat again

10. Opal fossil: Dragon egg.

11. Pyrite: Robot poop.

12. Black Lightning Opals: What Loki needs to destroy the world. Don’t give it to him.

13. Scolecite: At least part Tribble.

14. Amethyst geode: A portal leading into the vast vacuum of Space.

15. Pyrite, again: Here we have the earliest ancestor of the rock-’em sock-’em robot.

16. Crystal opal: Dammit, another new party drug? I can’t keep up with them. I’m too old for this shit.

Jacqueline Steiger is an actor, filmmaker, linguist, and writer who very deliberately put an Oxford comma there. She cares immensely about nerd culture and activism. She will read anything you give her and eat absolutely anything with melted cheese on it.