16 Gemstones Renamed Correctly -The Toast

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1. Crocoite: Slim jims enjoying a nice bubble bath.

Image via Wikimedia

2. Malachite: What we have here is the embodiment of the overreaching entitlement of Nice Guys. Somewhere, there is a man in a fedora who does not age. But every year, the mountain of dicks grows. and it yearns. oh, it yearns.

Malachite-153552 Image via Wikimedia

3. Realgar on calcite: This is the rose from Beauty and the Beast. Stop trying to trick us, rocks.

Realgar-Calcite-37467 Image via Wikimedia

4. Bismuth: This is clearly the throne of a Crystal King, who maybe has an overly excitable interior decorator.

Bismuth_crystal_pyramid Image via Wikimedia

5. Azurite: Portal to an ’80s prog rock cover.

Azurite-velvet-beauty Image via Wikimedia

6. Sulfur crystals: This is how you make Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Image via Flickr Image via Flickr

7. Citrine: Sun god dildo.

398px-Citrine Image via Wikimedia

8. Danburite quartz: Furry sun god dildo.

Quartz-181371 Image via Wikimedia

9. Tourmaline: Amazon review: Looks like candy. Is not candy. 0/10, would not eat again

Watermelon_Tourmaline Image via Wikimedia

10. Opal fossil: Dragon egg.

Image via Wikimedia

11. Pyrite: Robot poop.

Image via Wikimedia

12. Black Lightning Opals: What Loki needs to destroy the world. Don’t give it to him.

black lightning opals Image via Imgur

13. Scolecite: At least part Tribble.

Scolecite-195605 Image via Wikimedia

14. Amethyst geode: A portal leading into the vast vacuum of Space.

Image via Flickr Image via Flickr

15. Pyrite, again: Here we have the earliest ancestor of the rock-’em sock-’em robot.

Image via Wikimedia Image via Wikimedia

16. Crystal opal: Dammit, another new party drug? I can’t keep up with them. I’m too old for this shit.

10_7cts_Brazilian_Crystal_Opal Image via Wikimedia

Jacqueline Steiger is an actor, filmmaker, linguist, and writer who very deliberately put an Oxford comma there. She cares immensely about nerd culture and activism. She will read anything you give her and eat absolutely anything with melted cheese on it.

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