If The Beatles Were Replaced By A Large Number Of Crows -The Toast

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Before the age of auto-tune, music was once about craftsmanship and [the protection of egg stock by primal horror-screaming]. This week we look back to a simpler time, and celebrate The Beatles, that ‘fab four’ from Liverpool who won generations of fans with their catchy yet [atonal distress signals] and asked the world to give [unconditional surrender to bird law] a chance.

The Beatles were a popular Rock n’ Roll band formed in the 1960s who captivated audiences with their charismatic live performances, and their diverse repertoire of [harsh bird intonations]. The Beatles still have a dedicated following of listeners, young and old, and continue to enjoy widespread popularity to this day! Although The Beatles’ music is [poorly comprehended by inferior human auditory capacity], they remain one of the best-selling musical groups of all time. Some people say that the popularity of [savage and unprovoked bird attacks] can be attributed directly to the influence of The Beatles.

The Beatles are a household name now, but before their rapid rise to fame, they were just a simple [preeminent bird swarm] from Liverpool, trying to make their way in the world. In the ’60s, many parents were concerned about their teenagers listening to [PRIMITIVE UNBEARABLE BIRD WAILING]. Now you can hear it in every mall across [recognized bird dominion].

When The Beatles started out, there was nothing to suggest they would fast become one of the most exalted [avian hive minds] in rock and roll history. Before they became famous, their live act consisted primarily of touring around small towns in the British countryside and [decimating crop populations as dictated by ancestral bloode lore]. But over the years, their repertoire has expanded significantly.

‘The Beatles’ got their first big break during a guest appearance on the Ed Sullivan show, where they famously [jostled for seed] before a live audience. Soon they were on every radio station in the United States, with hit singles such as [~ominous cawing~] and [“premonitory danger utterance”].

Soon it became very popular to imitate The Beatles’ signature look. Young men all over the world began entering barber shops with [pictorial evidence of impending avian convergence]. The Beatles spent most of their time touring the world, but during their [mandated biological intervals of celibacy] they were known to spend [their winter months in large communal roosts adjacent to large food sources such as garbage dumps and shopping centers].

The Beatles may be internationally famous musicians, but behind the scenes they were just a bunch of down to earth, working-class guys who enjoyed unsuspicious and relatable pastimes such as [periodic culling of weaker members as defense against airborne predators] and [coalescing into darkness].

Recent studies have shown that The Beatles have [the customary human capacity to remember human faces] and [transmit that information to their offspring]. They have been known to [memorize the patterns of garbage trucks], and [change their entire migratory pattern to avoid areas]. Members of The Beatles have been [set upon and harmed in fruitless efforts to regain supremacy of crop production]. They are now considered [a protected species, with the 1972 extension of the Federal Migratory Bird Treaty Act].

The Beatles all bought different skills to their live act. Some say John Lennon was the most talented Beatle, due to being [1567 crows], while Paul McCartney was more commonly [1345 crows, depending on his median seasonal migration pattern]. But while each of them had their differences, it is important to remember that they were both [innumerable sentient crows].

After the band’s split, all of the members of The Beatles went on to enjoy successful solo careers. John Lennon became involved in activism and spent many years advocating for the end of war by [menacing child groups proximal to egg territory] and [attacking sedans] for peace.

The Beatles are gone, but their music still lives on, as does the proud legacy of [species terror] they inspired in their many legions of fans. They will always be fondly remembered for the years of [hostile bird sovereignty] they bought the world and their [non-contextual vocalizations], which will inspire many generations to come.

Illustrator: Matt Lubchansky makes comics and occasionally leaves his apartment in New York. His work includes Please Listen to Me and New Amsterdam Mystery Company. He’s on Twitter, and doesn’t expect you to get his name right.

Hera Lindsay Bird lives in NZ with her girlfriend and her collection of Agatha Christie video games. She has an MA in poetry from the International Institute of Modern Letters and can be found online here.

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