The Miserable Marriages of Modern Family, Ranked -The Toast

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Nicole: I think it’s very significant that you and I have discussed writing this piece since Winter 2013, and only now is it being put into WordPress. We have been shying away from controversy for too long, let us no longer be silent:

The three marriages on Modern Family are absolutely terrible, and none of these people should be together.

Mallory: Modern Family is a show about people who are married but also hate each other. Marriage is optional, but no one has told the Family this. This is what makes it modern.

The Third-Worst Marriage: Phil and Claire 


Nicole: Phil and Claire are merely a generically unhappy sitcom couple. She is a shrew, he is a child. We are all familiar with this concept.

Mallory: Phil and Claire’s marriage was foretold in Devin Banks’ ten-second web series, Makin’ It Happen. It was written, and now it is:

Claire has a slice of boiled ham for a heart. Phil is a friendly Frankenstein who has never had sex. At night, they smash their rubber flesh-cages against one another. Phil will one day drown inside of a washing machine. Claire will never die; her hummingbird spirit will refuse the grave and she will become a ghost inside of her own skin. We will weep for you, Claire. You have been denied the mercy of death and of rest.

The Second-Worst Marriage: Jay and Gloria


Nicole: “We are transparent about the fact that we are only married because you are beautiful and I will probably only be gross to you for another ten years before passing away and leaving you the money you have earned by putting up with me. That makes this NOT awful!”

Mallory: The old man is already dead, but he will not stop talking. The woman’s mouth produces English in a style different from the English of the dead man’s mouth. This is Comedy.

The Worst Marriage: Mitchell and Cam


Nicole: Mitchell and Cam hate each other. They have contempt for every aspect of their partner’s uniqueness. They wake up in the morning and think “how can I best demonstrate my lack of respect for my husband today?” They have no shared interests. They lie to each other constantly. They are a false flag operation by James Dobson to discredit all same-sex relationships under the guise of normalizing them. Larry Kramer should be having die-ins on their set.

Mallory: Remember in the “Goliad” episode of Adventure Time, when Princess Bubblegum created Goliad, but Goliad misunderstood the concept of authority and autonomy and tried to destroy the Bubblegum Kingdom, so Princess Bubblegum had to create Stormo out of Goliad’s DNA and lock them in an eternal psychic battle with one another? This is Mitchell and Cam.


“The couple who is so angry they cannot move. They cannot eat. They cannot sleep. They can just barely growl. Bound so tightly with tension and anger, they approach the state of rigor mortis.”


It hath made me mad. I say, we will have no more marriages. Those that are married already, all but one*, shall live. The rest shall keep as they are. To a nunnery, go. – Hamlet

*Cam and Mitchell

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