Nicole: I think it’s very significant that you and I have discussed writing this piece since Winter 2013, and only now is it being put into WordPress. We have been shying away from controversy for too long, let us no longer be silent:
The three marriages on Modern Family are absolutely terrible, and none of these people should be together.
Mallory: Modern Family is a show about people who are married but also hate each other. Marriage is optional, but no one has told the Family this. This is what makes it modern.
The Third-Worst Marriage: Phil and Claire
Nicole: Phil and Claire are merely a generically unhappy sitcom couple. She is a shrew, he is a child. We are all familiar with this concept.
Mallory: Phil and Claire’s marriage was foretold in Devin Banks’ ten-second web series, Makin’ It Happen. It was written, and now it is:
Claire has a slice of boiled ham for a heart. Phil is a friendly Frankenstein who has never had sex. At night, they smash their rubber flesh-cages against one another. Phil will one day drown inside of a washing machine. Claire will never die; her hummingbird spirit will refuse the grave and she will become a ghost inside of her own skin. We will weep for you, Claire. You have been denied the mercy of death and of rest.
The Second-Worst Marriage: Jay and Gloria
Nicole: “We are transparent about the fact that we are only married because you are beautiful and I will probably only be gross to you for another ten years before passing away and leaving you the money you have earned by putting up with me. That makes this NOT awful!”
Mallory: The old man is already dead, but he will not stop talking. The woman’s mouth produces English in a style different from the English of the dead man’s mouth. This is Comedy.
The Worst Marriage: Mitchell and Cam
Nicole: Mitchell and Cam hate each other. They have contempt for every aspect of their partner’s uniqueness. They wake up in the morning and think “how can I best demonstrate my lack of respect for my husband today?” They have no shared interests. They lie to each other constantly. They are a false flag operation by James Dobson to discredit all same-sex relationships under the guise of normalizing them. Larry Kramer should be having die-ins on their set.
Mallory: Remember in the “Goliad” episode of Adventure Time, when Princess Bubblegum created Goliad, but Goliad misunderstood the concept of authority and autonomy and tried to destroy the Bubblegum Kingdom, so Princess Bubblegum had to create Stormo out of Goliad’s DNA and lock them in an eternal psychic battle with one another? This is Mitchell and Cam.
“The couple who is so angry they cannot move. They cannot eat. They cannot sleep. They can just barely growl. Bound so tightly with tension and anger, they approach the state of rigor mortis.”
*
It hath made me mad. I say, we will have no more marriages. Those that are married already, all but one*, shall live. The rest shall keep as they are. To a nunnery, go. – Hamlet
*Cam and Mitchell
Tags: marriage, modern family, nicole and mallory, relationships, television
Where’s the quiz so I can ascertain which is most like my marriage, though?
Yes! I think the more I watch this show (and many other sitcoms sadly) the more I am struck with how horrid the people on the show are to one another. Being terrible is not funny.
It’s been a slow climb from the Absolute Zero that was “According to Jim”‘s take on “this couple is awful to each other, WHY AREN’T YOU LAUGHING???,” but it might be… gradually getting better?
Few things have made me more unhappy in my life than sitcoms. They are 18 kinds of poison. (And yes, even that “good” one that you really like no really this one is different!!!)
Except Parks and Rec. Pretty much all of the couples on that show completely dote on each other, even if they have insane levels of challenges/ are mad at each other sometimes. And also, I want a Ben Wyatt of my very own.
That’s why I love “Bob’s Burgers” the most out of, well, any show, but especially family-oriented shows. They are KIND to each other – not always nice, because that would be boring, but there’s real love and respect and appreciation for their individual weird quirks. From the very beginning, the writers/actors threw in tiny moments of one character laughing at another – not meanly but like, “You’re nuts and it’s hilarious.” That’s a family I want to live in.
I think Mitchell is a shrew like Claire, but since he’s not a pretty woman, it’s more grating on us. And Cam, well. He’s no virgin Frankenstein – he’s a firework, he’s an orchid in full bloom, and Mitchell only brings him down. Cam isn’t the foil Phil is; we all just assume that Phil lucked into his marriage with Claire because she’s so blonde and thin and attractive and ambitious. At first, they present it like Cam should be thrilled to be with Mitchell because Cam is larger than Mitchell, but you can’t contain Cam like you can with the childlike Phil.
Free Cam!
bbbut…Cam plotting with his dad to create the soap sculpture of Cam and Mitch for their wedding? That was pure evil. Cam can be awful.
The way they show love on this show is horrifying. Thank you for telling the truth.
Are you going to talk about the contempt everyone has for their siblings and their children next? The way Alex and Haley (uh, were they named for Alex Haley?!) are written is so sexist it’s disturbing. Ick.
I feel confident that the people who named those characters Alex and Haley did not have Alex Haley in mind.
Ugh, Sulagna, that was exactly my next thought too. Claire is a shrew, Phil is an amiable olive loaf, and their daughters are terrible stereotypes of high school girls that we are all sick of and never resembled. And the younger brother is Phil-in-training, only even more of a doofus.
But ALLLLLLL nerdy girls secretly want to be pretty and popular!
Also nerdy girls can never be pretty or popular, obv.
Oh, also have you noticed how Phil clearly loves Alex the most because he’s the goofy and fun-loving son, unlike the two daughters who are just sooooooo difficult?
That plus the insistent hope from everyone that Gloria’s baby would be a boy–with no equal camp hoping it would be a girl–really disturbed me. I was not expecting to find such abject male-child favoritism on a mainstream American tv sitcom.
Heh. My sister and I come pretty close to being Alex and Haley in our mutual distaste/dislike/downright abhorrence for one another. (Though we’re both reasonably intelligent individuals.) That seems pretty spot on. You could say sexist, and maybe that’s true, but spot on nonetheless.
Ah, see, I have definitely met sisters like this! But their juxtaposition as “smart one” / “pretty one” feels so hollow, especially the way Haley is constantly dismissed, which makes me feel downright ill. Sisters can hate each other, but it’s rarely for the shallow reasons that (usually men) write about it as.
This show is THE WORST and I’m so glad someone has finally recognized that.
This is perfect. I loved the first season of this show, mostly for Manny. Then the tropes I thought it was working up to skewer became entrenched and the scales fell from my eyes. Why DO all the married people seem so full of contempt for their partners? It’s one of those shows that stresses me out, like “Big Bang Theory,” which I was told time and again I should watch because MrKat is a professional software nerd, and “just like [can’t remember character’s name]!” Terrible, terrible show.
“Marriage is optional, but no one has told the Family this.” Lovely.
Yeahhhh. I think the show had glimmerings of good ideas but buried them all under steaming piles of sitcom cliches about marriage being The Worst and couples hating each other and kids! Aren’t they zany! And basically, I had to be officially Done when they did an episode about how periods make women crazy so look out, the menz!! Hide in a bunker because your wife and daughters are literally uncontrolled monster people!!!
The relationship of Gloria and Old is so bizarre to me. Does the Toast remember when Gloria was pregnant and The World was embarrassed she looked fat in a tight shirt? The fat shaming was solved w capitalism in the form of a maternity store shopping spree and… we are all happy, validating that no non-ab skin shall ever see the light of day lest we all turn to stone.
…unless you’re a dude. Chubby dudes are just fine.
#DadBod
I love the show and won’t apologize! HORRIBLE MARRIAGES FOR EVERYONE! Everyone gets to be their awful selves around their partners and they still love each other (in my opinion) and one day they will all die from poisoned desserts except Lily and Alex who will just “Oh Brother” and “Told You So” at the funerals.
Here for you! I admittedly haven’t seen it in a long time, but what I saw cleared my admittedly low hurdle for comedy: I laughed a lot.
I just want to see an accurate depiction of a mother on tv, which for me would be someone who needs a nap and/or a haircut.
I confess to laughing. its stupid but fun.
dont tell anyone
can we talk about how lily is literally going to kill and skin all of them without changing expression in the series finale tho
Lily is so evil, Taylor Swift was afraid to cast her in the “Bad Blood” video.
I would watch the crap out of that show, and I’ve got a weak stomach.
Absolutely, that kid gives me the creeps with her monotone voice and total lack of empathy. Cam and Mitchell are raising a serial killer.
#GoldenAgeofTelev…. wait
I keep trying to figure out why Cam and Mitchell are together or even like, how they met and became convinced this was a good idea, and the only thing tha comes close is like “decades long insurence scam” or something.
I mean I did know two guys involved in that but like a ten million dollar hog fortune was on the line…
Did it work?
For a while! Enough to get the pay out I think, but then there was a sham marriage to a Chinese lady, a Cartier ring, and confusion. One of them is like living with a 19 year old in Switzerland and constantly on mushrooms now.
I have so many questions.
Seriously, I need to be reading this article.
i have one question: wat
Why isn’t this a multi-Emmy winning TV series??
I would definitely watch this movie.
I mean, I’d have watched it even if you’d stopped at “decades-long insurance scam to secure a ten million dollar hog fortune”, but now especially.
I think I speak for all of us, everywhere, when I say this is a story that needs to be told.
I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to come back here and explain what happened with the ten million hog dollars.
Ownership of a pig farm and slaughtering concern. His parents were super Midwestern about it and wouldn’t really sign off unless he got married, thus the sudden out of nowhere marriage to my ex — his siblings caused a fuss and I think he got bought out.
That is such a romcom plot.
The best part was they only got together cause they kept bitching about me, I had dated both of them at different points and the.n They met apparently bonding over that shared experience.
im so sorry im late for this party pls write this all up and pitch it this site / The Butter/ Hollywood
Just coming here to express my appreciation for the Adventure Time nod and to humbly suggest that there should be more Adventure Time references on The Toast in general. Marceline in particular.
What I have learned today is that apparently the plot for Avengers: Age of Ultron was lifted straight from Adventure Time.
that was also my takeaway.
Also, and I know this is not the point, but can I just say how crazy it made me that the show is called “Modern Family” and until season (??) all three families featured a traditional breadwinner/homemaker structure? WTF?
Wholy agreed. Regressive Family (subtitle: But we have gay people! Pay attention to us!)
I guess it’s modern in the same way that Eames chairs are modern. “Midcentury Modern Family”
Exactly. No interracial couples, no non-traditional family structures, and the heavy reliance on age-old sexist/xenophobic tropes made me give up on what I thought would be a light half-hour comedy.
Wait, um… no interracial couples?
Sofia Vergara is white even if she’s s o o o “exotic” and “foreign”
RIGHT. THERE IS NOT ONE ADULT WOMAN CHARACTER WHO WORKS ON THIS SHOW. WHAT THE FUCK.
I recently watched an episode (on a plane, there weren’t many other options) and the entire plot was how miserable it was to be around the smart girl (Alex?) and how happy everyone was when she was gone. Then she came back and the only reason they appreciated her was because she literally kept them from killing themselves. Not that she had pleasant aspects to her personality, just that they depended on her for their survival. Just…what?
In twenty years Cam is going to be the subject of so many Celluoid Closet style documentaries and I for one cannot wait.
“The couple who is so angry they cannot move. They cannot eat. They cannot sleep. They can just barely growl. Bound so tightly with tension and anger, they approach the state of rigor mortis.”
Is this actually a reference to David Lynch’s Angriest Dog in the World? If so I LOVE YOU.
yes!!!
From the Larry Kramer die-ins to the Hamlet quote, this is making me so happy. Probably because the only time I’ve seen this show is when my FIL made us watch it, and he was transparently motivated by Sophia Vergara’s hotness, SO.
Can we get an Editor Trigger Warning for the loose/lose error in the Jay gif?
/still twitching
Every once in awhile Mitch will have a line asking “Are we terrible people?” or the like. And the answer is always yes, yes you are.
That is also why Claire and Phil tried to ruin Alex’s potential relationship with a boy who explained how he felt via a Marie Curie reference.
I haven’t watched a single episode of this show but I have to say that one of the reasons why I loved Parks & Rec so much was the fact that we could see how much the married couples loved each other. It wasn’t necessarily over-the-top or showy but it was always apparent.
“I love you and I like you.”
See, Modern Family? That’s how you do it!!!
Not only do they love each other, they think their partner is an awesome person and it’s so cool that they get to keep spending time with them. This is pretty much exactly how my spouse and I think of each other, so I really dug seeing it on that show.
Ben and Leslie’s entire relationship was just – a romantic ideal for people who genuinely like and want to be good for other people.
Meanwhile Modern Family’s relationships are romantic ideals for people who are actually unfunny monsters. You have lost nothing by skipping it!
^ For everyone name-checking Parks and Rec and Bob’s Burgers but on the movie comedy side of things, while it’s not without its problems, one thing I really really found refreshing about (Bad) Neighbors is the relationship between Seth Rogen’s and Rose Byrne’s characters in the movie. Basically, Rose’s character was initially written as the stereotypical joykill til Seth Rogen’s wife pointed out SHE wasn’t anything like that and that it was kind of boring and sexist and lo and behold, the couple in the movie is refreshingly healthy (though not without conflict) and even though Rose Byrne is hotter than Seth Rogen, you can actually see why they like each other, since they both were fun-loving, chill types who just happen to be getting older as opposed to the ever-mystifying, schlubby manchild doofus – shrill yet painfully hot shrew we often see in comedy TV and movies.
Al Bundy’s gotta Al Bundy, yo.
Seriously, it seems like Mitchell only barely tolerates Cam and I don’t understand how it’s so ~romantic~. And I don’t watch the show much anymore, but almost every time I do I am totally shocked by some ignorant and/or racist thing Cam does, so he’s not perfect, either…
I never understood why ‘these married people hate each other!’ was supposed to be funny anyway. (I do not have a sense of humour though).
I mean, at best, it’s ‘these people hate each other when they’re supposed to love each other! Ha ha, they spend their adult lives in misery!’ and at worst it’s ‘Marrying someone will guarantee a life of unending drudgery and emotional sacrifice for no gain, you will hate your spouse, and never be happy again! Isn’t it hilarious!’.
Neither of those are great options, you know?
And some people are like ‘well, it wouldn’t be funny if they loved each other’ but I think there can be a lot of humour in a couple that actually love each other. The way they bounce off each others ideas, the weird little things they do that are kind of like little relationship rituals…
Y’know, I think one of the best marriages on TV is the Belchers from Bob’s Burgers. They laugh at each other, and are sometimes thoughtless, but they love each other and they show it regularly. They also seem real, despite how ridiculous the show is, and this ‘I hate you so much’ sitcom couples never seemed like real relationships to me.
I feel like this was probably a lot funnier of an idea when more people were stuck in obligatory loveless marriages.
Yes! I was just going to comment on how Bob’s Burgers actually makes family life appealing to me.
Bob and Linda are my ideal marriage situation tbh.
So much yes to the Belchers being the best married couple out there. We let our little kids watch it with us because of that (despite frequent casual swearing – Simpsons reference, hay!). I’ll take a few “hell”s and “dammit”s for siblings who care about each other and a couple who does too. I also like my daughter to know that the idea of Louise exists, you know?
I was reading through the comments going “surely someone has mentioned Bob’s Burgers?” and then you did, so thank you! Totally agree with your assessment.
What I also like is there doesn’t need to be a “Grand Gesture” episode to remind the viewers these characters care for each other. I feel in other shows those episodes are needed when the writers realized that maybe the characters have been a little too terrible lately.
Now that the Simpsons is on all the time, I’ve realize that like a third of the episodes are Homer doing some kind of grand gesture so Marge never quite gets to the point of leaving his terrible ass, and obviously I still love the show but it doesn’t make me happy the way Bob’s Burgers does.
Yeah, Simpsons definitely has a more nihilistic viewpoint.
Didn’t see this before I posted above, but yes yes yes! That show does such a good job of capturing the tension between knowing and loving someone till death do you part and still being driven crazy by them. Not gonna lie, the episode where Linda flies the sea plane into an emergency landing and Louise asks, “How are we still alive?!” – I get a little choked up when Bob answers, “Because your mom is incredible!” They’re just so good together.
It’s definitely a little jarring to hear Sterling Mallory Archer’s voice say stuff like that 🙂
Modern Family is one of those shows that is pretty much gaslighting the audience. “We will show you some people who act and talk in every way as if they despise each other! Then we will tell you that they do not. Who will you believe: the show or your lying eyes?”
As a lady married to another lady – in fact, as a plus-sized lady with a big personality married to a svelte, mild-mannered, sweet lady – I wanted to like Cam and Mitchell, and recognize things about being gay married in their relationship. Nooooooooooope. Nope nope nope, I do not, thank goodness.
I really wish we had more models for healthy behavior in our media. The current state of grimdark in a lot of books, movies and TV shows, even stuff that’s ostensibly funny, can be a bit overwhelming.
Thank you for “grimdark”
Thank you for the Angriest Dog In The World reference (still David Lynch’s best work, IMO).
“This behavior of yours is not gonna fly when you lose your looks.” Dear God, what a terrible, cold, threatening, devaluing thing to say to someone, much less someone you are supposed to love. That is awful on so many levels.
In any other genre, that scene would be the flashback explaining how Gloria decided to become a black widow.
That would be brilliant, I would watch every single freaking minute of that show. I would devour that show with my eyes wide open, popcorn in my lap and a sharp, gleeful smile on my face. I so, so want Sofia Vergara to play a black widow in something now, if only to make up for this misogynist shitshow.
My husband and I sometimes play a game where we pretend to be a SCWHEO (Sitcom Couple Who Hate Each Other). This game is only played when both of us are feeling secure and happy and is always finished up with a cuddle.
He wouldn’t say that to me even in the course of that game.
I want to give your comment a thumbs-up because you are 100% right, but I can’t be thumbsing up anywhere near that hideous quotation. That’s just heartbreaking.
There was an episode in which Sofia Vergara felt insecure around another woman because she was super smart and had a great career etc etc. The other woman is conventionally pretty but she wears glasses so clearly she’s a nerd. Then we find out the big twist which is that the other woman is cripplingly insecure because Sofia Vergara is hotter than her.
“Intelligence? Self confidence? An interesting life? None of that matters if I’m not the prettiest girl in the room!” — Women, according to Modern Family
I stopped watching Modern Family two or three years ago, but my husband still watches it.
We agree, though: Phil and Claire are as close an approximation of our marriage as we have ever seen on television. We stopped counting how many of their conversations were eerily like the ones we have had ourselves. But 10 years of marriage, 14 years together, we’re still about as solid as we ever were. (Take that for what you will. Maybe we secretly despise each other?)
I hear you. Together 16 years with my husband and we are much more like Phil and Claire than Leslie and Ben. Although of course Parks and Rec is an infinitely better show, I don’t think it’s either unrealistic nor unpleasant for a longstanding couple to relate to eachother with a healthy amount of side eye, ribbing, exasperation, and mickey-taking.
Can you be all ‘I like you and I love you’ for 16 years as a couple? Please! Friction is realistic and, I believe, healthy. I’m not defending the show here, but a little bemused by all these opinions that seem to assume that a marriage should be all roses and delight in each other’s company. Sweet expectations. But realistic? Uh, no.
12 years with my husband and I tease him but I’m only as mean as the Modern Family marriages if my personality disorder is acting up.
No-one’s saying it’s all sweetness and light. Most of the people commenting are in long term relationships. We’re just saying that healthier marriages are based on friendship, kindness and respect rather than suppressed disdain and hatred.
Then I would disagree that I sense any suppressed disdain or hatred in Phil and Claire’s marriage. Or in Jay and Gloria’s. Or Cam and Mitchell’s. I’m not saying that aren’t horrible people sometimes (because they are), but the relationships themselves do not strike me as overtly dysfunctional in a “WHY ARE THEY MARRIED” sort of way.
But then, my husband and I separately were both trying to dig up an Arrested Development ringtone (“I’ve made a huge mistake”) to use for one another. Suppressed disdain? Shared sensibility? Only our hairdresser knows for sure.
30 Rock reference made me pee. “We made ittttttttt!”
Yeahhhh. I think the show had glimmerings of good ideas but buried them all under steaming piles of sitcom cliches about marriage being The Worst and couples hating each other and kids! Aren’t they zany! And basically, I had to be officially Done when they did an episode about how periods make women crazy so look out, the menz!! Hide in a bunker because your wife and daughters are literally uncontrolled monster people!!!
This show started going downhill when they replaced the original Lily. #neverforget
"Larry Kramer should be having die-ins on their set" Holy shit I love this site
GREAT. I've been waiting to point out to anyone how the only loving marriage on the show (two people showing mutual respect for one another, common interests) is the "low-class" weed-selling family next door, but I don't know anyone who half-watches it besides myself. Is showing genuine affection for one another trashy now? A solid marriage is one where at least one person is wealthy, wasp-y, and can't express emotion? Also, the evidence for them being classless, garbage people is that they want to swing with Claire and Phil, which…why? Do people frequently want to have group sex with horrible, shrill women and their idiot husbands?
bbbut…Cam plotting with his dad to create the soap sculpture of Cam and Mitch for their wedding? That was pure evil. Cam can be awful.
Agreed. Agog over that line.
There’s a lot I like about this show — including Claire and Phil (usually) — but OH MY GOD Mitchell and Cam are the WORST COUPLE. They are allowed to be kind and supportive of each other like THIRTY SECONDS A SEASON. They are SO MEAN to each other. They NEVER TOUCH. Their whole family unit makes me sad inside.