Dangnation, what a page-turner this saga was, am I in the neighborhood of rightness or what? The wee cat, insinuating himself around the borders of my property, mewing scantily and clutching with his teethlings at whatever scraps I would render unto him! What was to become of him? Too small and scraggly to fend for himself, having been abandoned by kith and kin alike, I knew I had to snatchle him up.
So I come home yesterday, as is my custom, to find this little number setting up his shingle on my back porch.
NO. NO. NO. I REJECT THE SMALLNESS OF HIM IN THE ABSOLUTE.
(The huskier fellow with the similar color scheme in the background is mine own cat, name of Milo; there were SEVERAL ENTIRE MINUTES where they played together but I was too overcome to take any pictures, sadly.)
HE IS SCARCE LARGER THAN THE CAN WHAT WHICH I USED TO FEED HIM, FRIENDS.
I spent the better part of an hour laying carefully and unthreateningly near the food, playing cat sounds from a cat-sound app I installed on my phone. Turns out I didn’t have to do any of that, because after a few more minutes of playing, Milo and the malnourished kitten scurried into the house and all I had to do was follow and shut the door after them. HE COTCHED HIMSELF, MY SUNDRY LOVES.
Here he is, safely ensconced among my many bathrobes, looking at a ferocious jug of food.
And here he is, a bit nervous yet holding his own, on his way to the vet, where he was declared a bit thin and neglected for his age (ONE POINT FOUR POUNDS AND ALMOST THREE MONTHS OLD) but otherwise in fairly good health.
He is spending the night in the coziest den I can make for him, and in the morrow he is off to my friend Liz’s house, where he will spend the rest of his days being cosseted, as befits a child of late-stage capitalism.
Tags: animals, cotchening, cotching
AHH IT’S TOO SMALL
HE IS SO SMALL BUT HIS NOSE IS SO LARGE. HOW DOES A NOSE GET SO LARGE ON A KITTEN SO WEE.
Once, I cotched a kitty on campus and skipped out on lab for a few hours to take him to the vet and get him settled in my friend’s apartment. Luckily, we found his people the next week. He had hopped into their car one morning when they were taking the kids to camp at our campus and hopped out when they arrived. SILLY KITTY.
One time I found two kittens underneath a parked car in my campus parking lot. I gave them warm bread and milk, and then they clambered all over me and my friends with their wee kitten paws. Eventually we brought them to their new home at a friend’s house in town because keeping cats in college housing was “a flagrant violation of the rules” or some other such nonsense.
the nose and the FEETS, look at those silly splayed feets as he snorfs down his food.
I hereby move that Mallory’s friend name the itty kitty Cyrano in honor of his nose.
There once was kitten who had escaped from wherever his mother had had him, visited our neighbors (which had to have been a hike, particularly for a kitten of his size), hid in the undercarriage their RV but safely out of the way of the moving parts, and went with them to their campsite (~5 miles or so) whereupon they discovered him. They gave him to us. He was possibly the coolest cat we ever had.
He is definitively The Cutest, and I say this as someone who just got a three-month old dachsund puppy.
i would like to see some proof of that, friend
Let’s see if FB will cooperate with me on my sad old work computer: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=101528280…
Otherwise I will post it when I’ve got wifi.
I can’t see the puppy. I have the Sads.
I’ll try posting when I get home. This computer really is sad; I can only use outdated Internet Explorer on it.
I promise puppies after 5, though!
Seconded.
http://imgur.com/nK4MbDD
oh my godddddddddddddddd
How are you not keeping him for a perfectly coordinated set?! (My boyfriend’s cat is black and white and VERY handsome, so I have developed a special fondness for cow kitties.)
Oops I scanned before I made my comment but missed this. Yes they’re obviously a set! It was fate!
Growing up I had a black and white cat named Oreo (of course he was named Oreo) who grew to be incredibly large and obese. He was an indoor cat who longed for the great outdoors and fuckin’ loved eating grass, so whenever he escaped he would just stand in the yard and graze and he looked for all the world like a tiny damn cow.
Hee! My boyfriend’s cat was, coincidentally, thought to be named Oreo by the shelter, but we found out when we adopted him that it’s actually Oscar, which suits him much more. He loves to eat the dried leaves that get caught between the front and storm doors, and he is not allowed to have cat grass because he snarfs it and pukes immediately.
I’m glad I handed him over so quickly because if I’d hung onto him much longer I think I would have wanted to keep him. I’ve always been a one-pet person, though; Milo is declawed so it feels a little unfair to bring a clawed cat into the house.
You were a matchmaker for a wee catling in need of a home and a person in need of a wee catling – that’s even better than keeping him for yourself, because now two humans and both cats are happy.
We cat sat for my partner’s ex’s unutterably tiny, adorable kitten for ten days in October. She is more white than black, with markings that look like eyeliner, and terribly beautiful, and small, and will curl up and nap, purring, on your neck. And she makes a noise like a tribble before she pounces. The cuteness cannot be conveyed in mere words. Granted, it was a pain in the arse, because our beloved kitty thinks that all other cats should die, and when we tried to introduce them in a cautious, safe fashion, well, my partner ended up in the minor injuries unit. So we spent ten days with a cat in each flat and having to scurry about between them (we live in the same building) so that neither kitty would be too neglected. Anyway, I totally lost my heart to her and still miss her like nobody’s business. I WANT THAT KITTY. And I say that as someone who is ridiculously devoted to our girlie and her little ways.
I LOVE HIM.
Toastkitten! I hope your friend Liz wil keep us updated on him.
Ooh, love your update suggestion! Hopefully it’ll happen…followed by a charmingly illustrated children’s book, a stuffed replica and a whirlwind book tour spurred on by it’s Caldicott medal win.
That is the only correct trajectory for the rest of this story.
Aw, thanks! I get happily squirmy when complimented on my literary fantasies!
Sent from my iPad
What him name tho!!!! Is it Mr. Dinky? is it Mr. Dinkums? is it Mr. Teeny? is it Mr. Feeny?
MR. FEE-HEE-HEE-HEENAY
Seriously, he is a one-cat Itty Bitty Kitty Committee. (squee)
Melba!
Snarfling?
According to an update on Twitter, Wee Catling will go by the name of Jeeves because OF COURSE.
Acceptable! In the extreme!
HIS LIL’ FAAACEEEEEE ASDHFLASD FHS FSASDFKJHAS *flails*
TINY CAT. You are the MOST DELIGHTFUL of wee beasties with enormous round owl eyes!! I snuggle you from afar. So glad you cotched heem, Mallory. May he spend the rest of his days reclining on a silken pillow and being hand-fed sweetmeats by an adoring human servant.
I am ridiculously squeey over this cat and I have no regrets about refreshing my twitter at work all last night and giving high pitched updates to everyone in the area.
My friend and I were at a baseball game last night and we both squealed at the same time “Mallory caught the kitty!” Our other friend thought we were nuts…
I was having a conversation with a friend on Facebook about the ridiculous manbaby whining over the new Mad Max movie, and in the midst of it I said, “In better news, Mallory Ortberg caught her kitten. So there’s that.” Whereupon the conversation kind of bifurcated into point-and-laugh-at-manbabies/catsquee.
That sounds like the best conversation.
I very nearly just informed my boss. I did not inform him, because I have far too much work to do to be reading the Toast in the office today. And yet…
I am astonished that you can surrender him even to the cosseting arms of your friend. I am also concerned about the scratch on his nose, whatly ho-ington.
Not a scratch! Just dirt! His nose is much cleaner now.
Adorable Toastkitten!!
These posts and the related tweets have been a thing of beauty and a joy for this week.
Cosigned, they have taken up a Good and Proper Place in my heart and I shall revisit them whenever I find myself becoming tired and bitter.
Lookit that tiny wispy kitten tail!
I am going to revisit this post throughout the day whenever I am stressed. SO TINY.
A couple of years ago, a stray had four kittens and then left them on my back porch. I moved them into my apartment while I waited for space for them in a local rescue organization. Every day when I came home from work, I sat in the room where they were at and had four baby tiny kittens climbing all over me and falling asleep on me.
aaaAAAAHHHHHHHH :::melts into puddle of delight::
WHATLY HO-INGTON he is the tiniest nugget!
This almost makes up for the turtle penis thing.
ALMOST. NOT QUITE. NEED MOAR KITTEN PICTURES.
I think this week’s cat thread on Friday might have to be kitten pics-oriented.
When intensedebate emailed me this comment, gmail helpfully offered to add this to my calendar.
This is the sort of intrusive AI big data overlord shit that I am so excited about. YES, I do want to have a calendar reminder about kitten pictures.
As long as we don’t have a turtle penis thread I think we’ll be ok :O
I am so delighted that the Toasties – the most ferocious band of (loving) badasses I’ve ever encountered in my life – have been absolutely unbraided by this wee beast.
So glad this story had the happy ending, instead of the “well sometimes kittens wander away, and then they are rescued by an omnipotent government agency specially empowered to find kittens, and taken to a very safe and friendly secret island where they are well cared for and play all day, and sometimes watch us on remote TV cameras” ending.
Among my people, it is considered a great compliment to capture animals in one’s backyard, and then offer them to friends as pets. My good friend! Here is a raccoon cub! No, no thanks are necessary, watching it grow into maturity from afar will be thanks enough for me. And what is this in the yard? A boa constrictor snakeling! I offer it to you, as a token of our abiding friendship.
Friend of mine had raccoons as pets growing up.
A terrible experience all around, I’m told.
AHDUWOCHSBWIANXBSIAK :3
Well cotched! SO TINY.
I have spent the past few weeks keeping the Tiny Kittens livestream open in a tab and daydreaming about reaching through the screen to grab me one o’ them kittens, so this is just about perfectly aligned with my needs of late, except what I croon to the live-stream kittens is “I’lllllllll smish* you!”
*If smish has some gross Urban Dictionary meaning, please don’t tell me. In our household, it is affectionate, measured smashing.
Oh man, I’ve gotten more than a few people at work hooked on the Tiny Kittens. We watch them all day long!
I too am a tinykittens junkie. Serenity Now.
Not coincidentally, I’ve replaced all my usual self-hypnosis/self-calming insomniac tricks with visualize self as kitten. It works a treat at shutting down my repetitive-small-worries voice. Did you take out the trash? Don’t be silly, you are only a tiny kitten, kittens don’t take out trash. Did you send the cable bill? Pshaw, you are only a tiny kitten, kittens don’t have bills. And so on.
WHAT IS THIS MAGICAL THING. Thank you. I can feel my stress leaving my body.
RIGHT? A few weeks ago, I was allllllll stressed out, so I randomly googled “kitten cam.” This result is well beyond whatever vague hopes I had conjured up.
There’s also a Tiny Kittens feral nestcam, where a feral cat was secured to give birth to her kittens. It’s kinda magical: at least at first, Shelley, who hosts the live feed for the no-kill shelter, created a little forest glen for Sloaney (what she’s calling the feral cat—or maybe it’s Sloane, and the -y is nicknamification?) to make her more at ease.
I don’t watch the Sloaney cam much, though; it feels a little… intimate? Rationally, I know she doesn’t know humans are watching, but it just makes me uneasy for her.
I adore the tiny kittens livestream. I want Izzi.
14:50. Tiny black kittling is crossing in front of his mama when she grabs him and licks and shnuggles him for like five minutes. Best thing ever.
THANK YOU FOR THIS. I’ve had this video open in a tab all morning so I can click over whenever I’m feeling stressed at/about work (so I’ve spent a lot of time watching the kitties today). It is just exactly what I needed, except for how it’s not doing anything to squelch my all-consuming desire to go and find a kittle of my own to snug.
But Mallory he’s perfectly coordinated with Milo! They were meant to be together!
THEY ARE THE SAME CAT, TRAVELING THROUGH TIME. I said it yesterday and I will say it until it is universally acknowledged as truth!
RONBLEDORE CATS
I WANT TO EAT HIS FACE.
This is my favorite thing that happened. Please to be having more?
Nosy nosy nosy nosy nooooooooooooosy nose :ack ack ack:
HE IS A LITTLE POOFBALL!
Milo is was a MVP* in ensnorgling the kitten. in the picture on the porch he was clearly saying “little friend, my human is *the best*. treats and pets all the time. come on in”
*most valuable pet
yes, Milo carefully listed all the advantages to living inside with kind humans, and tinycat listened and walked on in. Yay for the baby cat who found a place!
I’m dead of cute. HIDING BEHIND A BATHROBE! Be brave, little fella! TINYCAT FOREVER.
Omg I read this yesterday and then when I got home, my daughter presented me with a tiny ball of fluff found outside. It is SO TINY TEENY OMG I DIE.
PS – Anyone in Atlanta want a kitty?! I’m taking it to a vet today, but cannot keep.
Is…is that kitten tinier that Sir Shortpants Whatly Ho-ington?
I think that photo might be actual size…
My goodness, there are so many tiny kittens in need of schnoogling and scritcheting.
The photo is probably bigger than the actual kitten. Apologies for the massive illustration of kittenly floof.
NEVER APOLOGIZE FOR GIANT PICTURES OF TINY KITTENS
sorry for yelling
He’s so tiny yet his head is so big!
oh goodness little darling still has blue eyes. His head is bigger than everything else.
The tiniest of tiny kittens. I want to snuggle him and keep him warm and safe for ever and ever.
OMG!!! Too adorable with such a tiny body and anime-ish big head!!! Dying!
TORTIE KITTEN TORTIE KITTEN SO TINY AND ALL FLUFF, aaaaah look at her, torties are the best
TRULY YOU HAVE BEEN BLESSED
Why aren’t you keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeping this little rascal??
The sounds I made were so intense a coworker thought I was in pain. IT’S JUST SO WEE AND CUTE.
So wee and cute that it DOES hurt a little bit!
His.
Little.
FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE.
Mallory, I need your help. There is a tiny adorable kitten in MY back area also who is also black and white and although I feed her my cats have been patrolling the balcony since she appeared there once like magic. (Mostly she appears in the parking lot where I feed her and look at her longingly.) I must at least catch and spay her but she will not come close. Obviously I need your kitten-fu.
HURRAY!!!
This makes up for that psychologically-scarring turtle penis post. Thank you, Mallory.
(I SEE IT IN MY DREAMS)
Little cat man knows what side his catnip is buttered on.
TEETHLINGS.
THIS IS THE PERFECT STORY
Because timezones, I logged into twitter at work this morning and may have cheered at my desk when I saw eeensy kitteh had been cotched.
Okay, I totally did.
(This week is a little stressful here in Ireland, and an adorable kitteh cotching saga was just what my frayed gay nerves needed, so thank you ever so much Mallory and kitteh both!)
Thinking good thoughts for all of you as the referendum approaches!!! View kitties as needed.
Thank you! All good thoughts are a boon, we need all the positivity we can get round these parts.
That must be nerve-wracking. I can’t read about the referendum without getting anxious and I’m in the US – sending you lots of good, queer thoughts.
Thanks! Is it okay with you if some of those good, queer thoughts are weaponized and used to counteract some of the appalling bigotry that has oozed out in the final days of the campaign? I’m still hopeful, but some of the vitriol is wearing me down.
HELLO LITTLE MUFFIN
Well done, Ms Ortberg. Well done both on cotching the kitteen and having acquired so very many bathrobes.
Obligatory baby Roo photo:
THE WHITE EYEBROWS AND THE TOE-BITING. 😀
I just noticed how much it looks like there’s a long-legged white spider hovering over her eye. She is unruly. She was 5 weeks old here and so terribly wee! She is now 8 and her shape whilst seated resembles that of a heavy, fat jug. She was also rescued off the streets while too young to support herself. Why so many wee stray tuxedo kitties??
No, honey, that white cat toy that hurts when you bite it? Is your leg.
(My friend’s cat kept failing to understand her own tail as a baby. She would sink her fangs into it and then look surprised.)
Oh lookit the fierce eyebrow whiskers!
I love this whole story, and that kitten, and possibly your friend Liz, but mostly the story and the kitten.
She named him Jeeves! JEEVES!!!!
I mean, if you receive a cat personally cotched by Mallory, what other option is there?
We had a dog named MacIntosh – though we did not spell it the same way as the famous Aberdeen Terrier, that was the inspiration.
There should be some sort of award for outstanding achievement in the field of pet naming. Jeeves!
Just quickly wanted to say I love these comments as much as this lovely story because it was akin to reading Lewis Caroll with all the wonderful, smooshed words: cotched, schnoogling, etc.
Well done, Mallory! Your house will soon be the kitty hotel and your Milo will be the hotel cat and you will be called Captain Mallory and all of Oakland’s cats will come do your bidding/defend you as needed. I salute you!
I’ve been keeping friends and family updated on this, complete with Twitter screenshots, since Monday. They do not care, not in the way I care, but I HAD TO TELL EVERYONE.
http://www.pleated-jeans.com/2015/05/18/this-is-n… – should you have an hour that you all don’t really need.
THIS POST IS AMAZING
THANK YOU FOR THIS UPDATE AND ALL THE NEW VOCABULARY YOU HAVE BEQUESTED ON US
ALSO MALLORY WE BOTH HAVE A CAT NAMED MILO
ETA: “Snatchle” is definitely my favorite new word, and “as befits a child of late-stage capitalism” is my new favorite phrase I will use in every conversation, no matter the context.
Also I am uncommonly pleased that you have many bathrobes. Everyone should have many bathrobes. I wish I did.
Also I hope you get to visit the new kitten often.
So, when you say “cat sounds from a cat-sound app”
Are these the sounds of cats? Sounds beloved of cats? Sounds by cats, for cats?
Liz is the luckiest woman in These United States.
Your cotching skills are the bestest! So glad wee wee kitteh will have a cozy forever home, which I’m sure he will soon rule with a wee wee paw.
I am not a Cat Person. It is known.
BUT, Happy Ending FTW! That kitten is so adorable, and I’m so glad Toastykins is going to a good home!
I hope cotched tinykitten Jeeves is given many thingamaguffins and hoozledybubs to frolick with as is befitting of creature so tiny and wee.
Are you sure you can’t keep him? I was kind of hoping you’d become a connoisseur and then write a bestseller called The 101 Tuxedos.
It’s kitten season—keep an eye out, he may have littermates in the area!! Your Milo was exceptionally good with him too, what a sweetie.
So many bathrobes.
oh, wow. raccoons have nightmare hands!
I love dirty kitten-muzzle!
I love dirty kitten-muzzle!
hope this link works, it’s a picture of my kitten from several years ago: https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash2…
ok that didn’t seem to work, I’ll try this instead: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=529344693…
hope this link works, it's a picture of my kitten from several years ago: https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash2…
ok that didn't seem to work, I'll try this instead: https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=529344693…
What a cotch! (here is where I chuckle sounlessly at my witty pun)
omg you played real life nekoatsume
Oh! This baby! Yay!
Here’s to a long and happy and thoroughly coddled life for him with your friend!
Update: I also met a cat today! I had to drive to a job site an hour north because our installers forgot two sections of pipe they needed, which was a pain, but then there was an extremely friendly cat. I picked him up, and he immediately crawled up my shoulder to curl himself around my neck like a scarf. He also butted his nose up against the bottom of my chin, snuggled up under my bosom, and sprawled happily across my lap, hugging my arm, while I ate my lunch (I decided to call work and have them clock me out so I could have a picnic with my new friend). I even put him in the car to see what would happen, and he just curled up and was chill. Friends, I could have taken that cat, and he totally wouldn’t have cared. Our customer might, but the cat would have been completely ok with it.
My cat hates that site. She'll walk all around my laptop trying to find the Other Cat, then she'll freak out and run away.
ALL is right in the world. Sleep the sleep of the just as is your privilege.