Things I Believe To Be True About Crows Despite A Complete Lack Of Evidence -The Toast

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  • That every time I forget something (where I left my keys, a long-unused algebraic formula), somewhere a crow learns something new
  • That whenever a crow dies, it is transfigured into a small ring with a red stone instead of leaving behind a body
  • That touching a crow induces menstruation
  • That most crows know my given name and are actively hostile towards me
  • That crows have tiny iron shoes and wear them whenever I’m not looking
  • That many of them turn into eyeless black dogs, also when I’m not looking, only it’s when I’m just sort of sideways looking at them, you know? That’s when they’re dogs, but they turn right back into crows as soon as I can see them again
  • That most other birds are creeped out by crows too, and only magpies and jackdaws will willingly sit on the same branch as one
  • That it is impossible to count crows, and that anyone who attempts to do so will always lose his place at the number thirteen, and have to start over
  • That there is a crow hiding underneath my car 100% of the time, but whenever I bend over to look for it, he hooks his little claws into the undercarriage and flattens himself against the bed of the car so I can’t quite see him
  • That crows don’t sleep in trees at all, but sink down into underground dens and sort of melt together into a giant jumble of thick chitinous beaks and claws and glossy black feathers and a thousand glittering eyes and one massive brain that commands the whole body
  • That whenever a child goes missing, they’re responsible
  • That crows have some sort of secret agreement with cats, and I don’t know what it is, but I don’t like it, and they don’t like each other either
  • That a crow can shape-shift into whatever other kind of bird it wants to look like, except for it has to always keep a single black feather, and that’s how you can tell it’s a crow-simulacrum
  • That crows can smile and speak English and are always doing it when I can’t see or hear them
  • That there’s a crow hiding in the last slot of every vending machine row right now, just hunched over and quietly waiting for you
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