Previously in this series: Two Monks invent dinner parties.
MONK #1: do birds have meetings
MONK #2: absolutely
they have a Meeting Hat and everything
MONK #1: what do they have meetings about
MONK #2: mostly who gets to wear the meeting hat
MONK #1: do human women sleep in beds or–
MONK #2: no that’s dogs you’re thinking of
MONK #1: right right
MONK #1: what part of the knight do fish go on
MONK #2: the head
MONK #1: thanks
MONK #2: oh absolutely
no problem at all
MONK #1: both lying flatwise across the head, or…?
MONK #2: no one on each side
like ears
MONK #1: ok great
MONK #1: so when a dog and a bird make out
MONK #2: right
MONK #1: it’s usually the bird that’s on top
right?
MONK #2: yeah
usually
MONK #1: great
MONK #1: hey is it owls or people that live in caves and build fires?
MONK #2: owls
MONK #1: hey roughly what size are sparrows
MONK #2: mm
it kind of depends
MONK #1: like
AS big as a tree
or not quite as big as a tree?
MONK #2: oh pretty much the same size as a tree
MONK #1: can cows sail boats?
MONK #2: hahaha no
common misconception
they have to put wheels on the boat and roll it over land
MONK #1: what do birds eat
MONK #2: other birds mostly
MONK #1: like different kinds of birds, or something else
MONK #2: no birds only eat exactly the same kind of birds that they are
MONK #1: what kind of bird tucks people into bed at night
usually I mean
MONK #2: any bird
any kind of walking bird
MONK #1: and when it tucks you in, people usually look…
MONK #2: incredibly worried
it’s incredibly worrying when the bedbird tucks you in
MONK #1: ugh sorry to bother you again
MONK #2: no no its fine
this is what i’m here for
what is it
MONK #1: what part of a goat is a snail again
like the front end or the back end
MONK #2: what part do you feel like should be the snail part
MONK #1: the back part?
MONK #2: you shouldnt doubt yourself
you know more about goats than you give yourself credit for
MONK #1: what usually rides horses
like people or–
MONK #2: fire
[Images via]
Tags: animals, artwork, medieval monks, two monks inventing things
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MONK #2: you shouldnt doubt yourself
you know more about goats than you give yourself credit for
Look at Monk #2, getting all affirmation-y!
Right? Monk #2 is really encouraging this time around. I would definitely trust this Monk #2 as a mentor. Might shyly ask if we could go to happy hour (assuming turnip soup makes us all Happy).
The genuine friendship between the two monks is perhaps the best part of what is perhaps the best ongoing series of Mallory articles. Two Monks 4Ever
Monk #2 has really increased their positivity.
i love animal besties! just like that android commercial 🙂
this is by far the most WTF THESE PAINTINGS of this whole series.
is there anyone who has any idea what even is supposed to be happening? Besides “the medieval world is a nightmare.”
I would deeply appreciate some actual art-historical knowledge as to what these paintings are and what they mean, if anyone has some that they could share.
So, I’m pretty sure the picture of the fox and bird making out actually shows the fox pretending to be dead so that he tricks crows into landing on him, which he is then able to catch and eat. Medieval bestiaries and folk tales describe foxes doing this as evidence of their cleverness, and images like this are fairly common — I can think of other examples in church sculpture, for example.
I’m a science person, not an art history person, but I read a fascinating book once written by a historian of science about medieval bestiaries. The general idea is that medieval scholars interpreted everything metaphorically — texts, but also nature. Texts have meaning (moral, theological, etc) and critters have meanings, too. The example that shows up a lot in old churches is the pelican. Someone saw pelicans scratching their skin until in bled, and came up with the idea that pelicans fed their blood to their babies. This was seen as a symbol of Christ feeding his people in the communion wine. (http://s0.geograph.org.uk/geophotos/02/24/96/2249624_d1e57d02.jpg).
The point of the book was that the transition to modernity involved the rejection of metaphorical interpretations by some theologians who were not happy with metaphorical interpretations of the Bible, and that spilled over into rejection of metaphorical interpretations of nature.
Some of the pictures above have what looks like Arabic letters, so presumably there were middle eastern bestiaries, too.
The dog and bird making out are a fox and magpie. The idea was that foxes would pretend to be dead so that the magpie would come to eat the carcass, but then the fox would eat the magpie. The lesson was that you should be careful of what appears too easy, or something like that.
The bedbird is a caladrius. If you’re deathly ill, it can come look you straight in the eye that means you’ll be okay. Here is an unfortunate guy whose bedbird won’t look at him: http://bestiary.ca/beastimage/img4447.jpg
Wooooowww so in reality the bedbird NOT being there was theoretically more worrying. Fascinating.
That fantastic, thank you for shedding some light and pointing us to some resources! What an imaginative time the Middle Ages was.
Do you remember what the title was?
I love how the guy whose caladrius won’t look at him is all like: “Fine, be like that. Whatever.” And the caladrius is like: “Man, you know I love you man.”
Apparently the two pics with the Arabic writing aren’t from bestiaries at all. According to http://benedante.blogspot.com/2015/04/birds-of-fa… they’re “thirteenth-century illustrations for the Kalīlah wa Dimnah, an Arabic translation of an old collection of Indian folktales about animals called the Panchatantra”. One of these folktales is about a war between the crows and the owls.
this is all very illuminating
ISWYDT
ty, ty
I want to say “I’ve never seen a better use for this reaction image,” but really, any use of this reaction image is great.
This particular usage is golden, though.
I guess it’s one of life’s great mysteries…
I very much want to see the two monks brought to life by contestants from RuPaul’s Drag Race.
it’s incredibly worrying when the bedbird tucks you in
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Also what is that woman DOING to the dog in the bed??? The dog looks alarmed and so am I.
Also, also – THE MONKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“it’s incredibly worrying when the bedbird tucks you in” just may be my favorite sentence of all time.
I woke the baby laughing at it last night and then came back here and woke her up laughing at it again.
BRB, just going out to get a Meeting Hat for my 2:30 all-hands.
I always used to joke with my family and say that no one could interrupt each other, because “X has the talking stick right now.” My aunt then actually got us a talking stick.
It has not helped.
My dad used to put on a decorative hat and say “This is my Al Haig hat, I’m in charge now” – but that was many presidents ago and may not translate well.
Heh. So the joke was that he…wasn’t in charge?
Oh, yes:) And said to bossy people of the time, “Who do you think you are? Alexander Haig?!?”
This is, without a doubt, the highlight of my day so far. Thank you!
Oh my god, Two Monks’ return has brought me such delight today, thank you, Mallory, Our Lady of Marginalia, provider of 100% Accurate Art History.
“it’s incredibly worrying when the bedbird tucks you in”
He’s not wrong.
exactly what I came down to comment 🙂
Especially if the bedbird is a crow.
I mean, they don’t say “Don’t let the bedbird bite” for nothing.
If Idris Elba were your boyfriend, he’d take care of that bedbird for you.
Toast intertextuality!
Do…sorry, but is that a flock* of magpies that has trapped a parliament of owls in a cave with fire? Or are the owls defending themselves with the fire against the magpies?
*the internet tells me that the collective noun for a group of magpies can be a charm, a congregation, a gulp, a murder, a tide, or a tittering. I think I like tide the best, but juxtaposing a congregation of magpies with a parliament of owls is a neat idea.
They’re reenacting the battle of Iwo Jima. Obvz
TITTERING THO
Tittering is a good one in theory, but I think I don’t like the sound of it as much (probably because it is made of one dactyl, rather than two trochees the way “congregation” is).
Is that snailgoat a Capricorn reference or…?
but what if these aren’t artist’s renderings and this is really what the medieval world was like
Of course the bird is on top when a bird and a dog make out! The dog is much bigger, it would crush the bird! Honestly, Monk #1, you’ve come a long way but you have so much to learn.
The bedbird alone, with its stupid-looking face and its willingness to get up in humans’ personal space, has brought me at least a week’s worth of delight.
Two Medieval Monks Invent Bestiaries intersects neatly with Two Medieval Monks Invent Religious Art in this image depicting Jesus as some kind of griffin (with what looks like a tiny camel pal in the lower right corner):
Also, discardingimages.tumblr.com is a vast treasure trove of medieval art, such as this delightful depiction of hedgehogs impaling apples (?) on their spines to carry them home for dinner.
Camels love broccolini. Everybody knows that.
They’re either apples or basketballs… either way, super cute!
This reminds me of a bit from Geoffrey of Monmouth’s “History of the Kings of Britain” that I read over 10 years ago and have never forgotten:
“Laden with apples, the Hedgehog will rebuild the city, and birds from many different forests will fly toward the fragrance of the apples. He will also build a great palace there and fortify it with 600 towers.
London shall be envious of this city and build up its walls threefold. The River Thames will surround it on every side, and the rumor of this event will pass beyond the Alps. The hedgehog will hide his apples within it and will devise many underground passages.”
The Prophecies of Merlin, ladies and gentlemen. That was the point when I was like…are you SURE this Monmouth guy is doing history correctly here.
On every side? Is the city on an island in the middle?
They are grapes (“grapes”)! Please immediately watch this animated film: https://vimeo.com/109377646
“Aaaand the Sorting Hat has chosen– Ravenclaw! Again. Lots of Ravenclaws today.”
I want the bedbird to tuck me into bed.
does the bedbird just…like…hang out there until morning?
it pecks you in the bladder while you sleep, that’s why you inevitably have to get up in the middle of night to use the bathroom.
or rather, the chamberpot, I guess
ahh, so it’s basically the medieval predecessor to my cat…
These are probably the medieval equivalent of New Yorker cartoons, more or less.
On the internet, no one knows you’re a sentient goat-snail.
“Look, I’m sorry you feel that way.. I never said you were the first person I ever tucked in.”
“Mostly non-monogamous”
Though cows can’t sail boats themselves, they make ok deckhands.
If, say, a baby wanted to switch places with a bedbird, would that be possible?
Is the baby the same size as a bird?
Yeah, could be.
Would the bedbird be able to live with the baby’s parents?
I think so.
Then, yeah, sure.
I can’t help but hear Jon Lovitz’s Harvey Fierstein.
The baby’s gay parents, no less. What progressive monks.
Is…is this an illustration of the moment of conception?
I think so. A lot of paintings of the Annunciation have a similar thing going on where a ray of light from heaven is shown beaming a tiny dove/or baby into Mary’s womb.
I like that one pair of slippers is askew.
The SLIPPERS 🙂
Whenever a new one of these shows up it triggers the opening riff from Two Princes in my brain.
DAMN, that was a like an earworm smart bomb.
As another head-song terrorist I must offer my respect if not my appreciation.
“Easy Lover”
Well played.
SO PERFECT, Mallory.
I want to see Monk #1’s preliminary sketches of a goat being a snail in the front part. Slimy eyestalks, slimy torso, raptor-like balance on two shaggy legs ending in neat cloven hooves…
Attempt 1: rejected for looking too much like a sort of ambulatory penis.
Attempt 2: rejected for making no damn sense.
“What part of a goat is a snail again” is basically how I feel at work a lot of the time.
Love the captions! I’d just like to point out that the two images with Arabic on them are famous paintings from Kalila and Dimna, the 9th century mirror-for-princes based on the Indian Panchatantra. In the first one, the bird with the ‘hat’ is actually labelled ‘sultan’ in Arabic, while the bird to his right is labelled ‘vizier’! (And yes, birds DEFINITELY had meetings in the medieval Islamic world! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Conference_of_th…
Thanks for clarifying that — I’d been wondering whether the Arabic paintings belonged in this collection.
Many, many meetings I have been to in my long life can be summed up as “mostly about who gets to wear the meeting hat.”
I’m worried about the dog. That lady looks really peaceful regarding whatever she’s doing to its back leg, but the dog is NOT OK with this situation.
the first pic says in arabic: but we will send the eyes and spies among them then we’ll send the battalions.
it looks like the arabs used the birds for spying..like Saruman!!
In future, if anyone asks me why I’m a medievalist, I shall point to this and say – why wouldn’t anyone want to spend their life understanding the world that made art like this? 🙂
“All things counter, original, spare, strange;
Whatever is fickle, freckled (who knows how?)
With swift, slow; sweet, sour; a-dazzle, dim…”
That’s really cool. What do you do as a medievalist, and do you have any fun facts to share? 🙂
Also, historical note: the bedbird is rightly worrying. It’s a caladrius bird, which from Roman mythology onwards sits on a patient’s bed and can tell if they will recover or not. If it won’t look you in the eye… Game over!!
I’m mostly bedbound due to long-term disability. I don’t think the cat would be pleased about sharing me, in my capacity ad a mattress, with some uppity bird.
Mal, I’m crying. I just created an account because I loved this so much.
I don't have any real wisdom to share, but I will just note that one of the birds in the first picture is very helpfully labelled وزير. So we know that one's the minister. I know that clarifies a lot.
The mom bird in the birds-eating-birds picture looks how I feel after a long day with two kids. “Just… everyone stop touching me.”
Now wait a minute…what happened to the virgin birth? That looks an awful lot like Joseph to me. Just sayin'
I think it is important to note that cows can only roll boats on wheels when they have a fish as a captain. They are helpless without the fish.
I tried translating a few into Japanese. I am a beginner so YMMV.
１：鳥は会議しますか？
２：もちろん！会議帽もありますよ。
１：その会議はどんな事項？
２：普通に誰が帽子をかぶれるって。
１：ベッドは人間女性の寝る所ですか？
２：違います。それが犬。
１：そうですね。
１：ナイトはどの部に魚を付けばいいですか？
２：それは頭です。
１：ありがとうございます。
２：どう致しまして。
１：上で地平に？
２：いいえ、横で。耳のように。
１：よし！
this reminds me of the myths retold guy
except
the monks actually LIKE birds
he doesn’t
because fuck birds
or rather because FUCK! BIRDS!
they’re dinosaurs
like velociraptors
except these raptors FLY
and if you get a statue made
because you’re awesome like that
they’ll POOP ALL OVER IT
and then all over your car
Brilliant! As a monkish pedant with a fondness for birds, I must however point out that it’s a wren not a sparrow. The wren is usually one of Britain’s smallest birds. This has got me worried.
My eye make up is everywhere … I can’t. This is on the of the funniest things ever. Ever.
The first image is probably from the Persian poem, “The Conference of the Birds” (not to be confused with Chaucer’s “Parlement of Foules”). And the fifth one could be from the Panchatantra; the third section, Crows and Owls, describes how these two species became enemies, which was in fact about who got to be king of the birds. After the owl was voted king, the crow (who had missed the meeting) said: “Ugly, cruel and full of spleen/Every word he speaks is mean/If you make and owl your king/You will fail in everything.”
Or, could be random marginalia. You are probably aware of the many depictions of rabbits putting on armor and fighting (everything from humans to snails, and of course other knight-rabbits) – but I’m not aware of any literary “reason” behind this.
But I thought of “The Parlement of Foules” as well (because I didn’t know about “The Conference of the Birds”).
Looks like Joseph wanted the bed bird more.
This is really funny, I have to agree with Brad, the first image looks like it’s from Persia, but I think the picture with the birds looks like birds mating.
Oh my god I’m CRYING.
I seriously wish you had a video of my reaction to this, Mallory, you could look at it any time you doubt yourself. I lost control of my BODY.
Holy shit, this is hilarious
Made me cry tears of laughing!
i CANT STOP LAUGHING
Hello – is there a chance to learn where those images are taken from? I'm especially interested in the one with the white dog lying on the lady's bed.
Great page – I laughed my ass off!
The “sparrow” looks more like a wren. Just sayin’.