Blind Items of Rural Southern Ontario -The Toast

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CGrqlIVUgAQYjcd100% genuine gossip, sourced by Our Woman in Hastings County. Information provided for entertainment purposes only, keep it to yourself. Previous installments can be found here and here.

Which propane company has been undercutting the competition by not charging HST? Shouldn’t have expanded so far off the Mohawk reservation, the competition must have dropped a dime on them to the tax man, but you can always count on them to show up, and those prices can’t be beat. If Revenue Canada thinks they can retroactively extract 13% from the customers, they have another thing coming.

Who drank our columnist’s father’s homemade cucumber-infused gin which was SUPPOSED to be consumed exclusively by said columnist? She didn’t mind someone trying it, but that stuff can’t exactly be shipped to her, get your claws out of it. We hear it was a middle-aged woman with gray hair, but everyone in that family looks alike anyway.

A certain classic farmhouse finally “has air”! Negotiations about when “the air” should be turned on continue to be quite heated. Is it cooler outside than in? Do you think we can get by with opening the windows? Should we wait until the dryer has stopped running? It’s like the African Queen in that laundry room!

Which queer community activist in her sixties is suspicious that the old septic guy never really cleaned the tank, just signed the paperwork? The new guy says the tank is under her back deck, there’s no way he was able to access it without tearing up some boards. People used to take their jobs seriously, they used to have pride in their work. I ask you.

What columnist’s mother decided no one could use the well water tap to brush their teeth? It had been fine for a year, but now “there’s a taste to it.” The taste is maple keys from the trees around the house. Stop complaining, and use a sharpie to mark your initial on this bottle of water.

A mother remarkably similar to the mother in the previous blind item, who is being unwillingly tapped to serve a leadership role in the Catholic Women’s League allowed her daughter to watch The History of the Eagles in her presence for the ninth time. One of these nights! One of these crazy nights.

Whose recipe for quinoa chicken chili fed everyone at the family reunion? Everyone loved it, but our sources say that three cups of chicken stock made it a little TOO wet. Maybe try a little more quinoa! Heats up like a dream the next day.

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