Blind Items of Rural Southern Ontario -The Toast

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Pieter_Brueghel_the_Younger_-_Proverbs_(detail)_-_WGA03627100% genuine gossip, sourced by Our Woman in Hastings County. Information provided for entertainment purposes only, keep it to yourself. Previously.

What popular fast food chain is deliberately withholding ketchup packets from customers placing take-out orders? A certain father and amateur distillery operator estimates he’s requested ketchup on eighty separate orders, and received it once. Calling their customer service hotline has proved unhelpful at best.

Which elderly parish priest’s radical queer sermon, railing fiercely against intolerance, gradually revealed itself over the course of 15 minutes to be based on having confused the word “homophobia” with “xenophobia”? PFLAG has withdrawn their congratulatory gift basket.

Rumour has it that a greenhouse operator with a tabby cat went through $600 worth of propane in three days during the worst of the winter, just to keep her plants alive. They SAY propane will never run that high again, but when they’ve got you over a barrel, they know you’ll pay it!

What sixty-something mother and grandmother left a note warning that she’d retrieved the LL Bean Adirondack chairs from the garage, but couldn’t remember where she’d put the wingnuts? For heaven’s sake, do not sit in those deathtraps.

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If you wonder why you’re not being offered pepper steak at [redacted farmhouse], let’s clear that up right now: the recipe may call for only two tablespoons of brandy, but when a certain middle-aged brother drinks the rest of the bottle each time, it becomes too expensive a meal to justify. You can hide it in the linen cupboard, he’ll still track it down.

Which smug septuagenarian insists that there’s “no recipe” for her maple fudge? Seems to our sources that it’s perfect every time, she’s not making it in her sleep. Who does she think she is? Share the wealth!

What sixty-something mother and grandmother left very explicit directions about opening the windows in the evening, barring thunderstorms? We hear she drastically misjudged the temperature on Wednesday night when she was off at her play, leaving the mainfloor terribly cold.

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