Illustration by John Leavitt
Reply permanently failed because recipient has only been tolerating you socially due to societal expectations.
Reply permanently failed because the thought of taking the subway on a Saturday night caused the recipient to spontaneously combust.
Reply permanently failed because recipient doesn’t believe you’re more afraid of them than they are of you.
Reply permanently failed because recipient honestly forgot how and from where they know you and it would be awkward to pretend otherwise.
Reply permanently failed because recipient liked the idea of having gone to a party, but not the idea of going.
Reply permanently failed because recipient was emotionally blackmailed into a family get-together and is currently fashioning a garrote out of dinner napkins.
Reply permanently failed because the recipient recently became a parent of twins and is, for all intents and purposes, a turnip.
Reply permanently failed because recipient believes you have misjudged their cranky, caustic social media interactions as ironic posturing and not proof that they are a deeply unpleasant person.
Reply permanently failed because recipient’s drug problem has just taken an unfortunate turn.
Reply permanently failed because recipient has to avoid all possible negative energy before their one-man show, “The Untroubled Soups of My Childhood,” goes into rehearsal.
Reply permanently failed because the recipient had a bad experience with medication and is currently singing “No One Is Alone” to their dog.
Reply permanently failed because you insulted the recipient once years ago and they don’t have the courage to tell you or to get over it, so they’re just going to wait until one of you dies.
Reply permanently failed because recipient already went to a party once and it wasn’t their thing.
Reply permanently failed because recipient thinks your real friends should refuse your invitations to your face.
“Reply permanently failed because recipient liked the idea of having gone to a party, but not the idea of going.”
meeeeeeeeeeee
I like having gone to a party, I even usually like being AT parties, but the hurdle of actually getting me there is what fails 90% of the time.
Same. Especially during the winter when I’m like: “first I have to bundle up and then walk outside…… nope I’m out.”
I usually have to start drinking about an hour beforehand, timing my arrival with magically hitting that sweet spot moment of inebriation between “not enough to alleviate social anxiety” and “babbling inappropriately/asleep.”
So yeah, I don’t go to parties.
“But we’ll have to put pants on” most commonly keeps. Mr. Delperro and I at home.
should I drive? if I drive I’ll have to find parking, but I don’t want to take the T. I never responded to the fb invite, so they’re probably not expecting me? What if they’re on the third floor of an apartment building and no one can come and let me in? What if they don’t actually want me there? What if I can’t overcome my anxiety long enough to call them once I’m there? Will I just spend an hour pacing outside and then turn around and leave? Will they think I’m weird and antisocial if I go and don’t speak to anyone? What about if i don’t go at all, are we still friends? How do I plan for all possible outcomes in such a way that I don’t feel terrible about myself if I mess it up completely?
… Ugh, going to parties is exhausting, I’m just gonna stay home.
I have a serious problem with anyone who lives on a different-colored T line and expects me to come to their party
That one was too real.
Me + But I still want to be invited! Even if I never, ever, ever show up for even a single one of your parties, please keep inviting me!
“Reply permanently failed because recipient believes you have misjudged their cranky, caustic social media interactions as ironic posturing and not proof that they are a deeply unpleasant person.
Reply permanently failed because recipient’s drug problem has just taken an unfortunate turn.”
So this is about me?
A+ toast.
I kept thinking “this is the one I will celebrate in a comment” but they are all me…
Only really missing “Reply permanently failed because recipient feels a pressing need to watch Wrath of Khan for the millionth time in case something different happens this round. You never know.”
This time I won’t cry.
that’s totally plausible.
So much all of this. I went to two parties and a brunch this weekend, and i had fun, but I’m not planning on talking to anyone for the next three days.
You’re done your civil service, this country can’t ask you for more.
So the formula is one day of silence for each social engagement? Seems very reasonable to me.
Reply permanently failed because recipient believes you have misjudged their cranky, caustic social media interactions as ironic posturing and not proof that they are a deeply unpleasant person.
It me? (God I hope not)
If you got an invitation, it was a mistake. There were two lists: one to invite, and one not to invite. You must have been put on the wrong list.
“Reply permanently failed because the thought of taking the subway on a Saturday night caused the recipient to spontaneously combust.”
This is 100% DC. Goat Gods forbid it be the Red Line (HISSSS).
This is p. accurate but the most accurate version reads “Reply permanently failed because the thought of taking the Metro on a Saturday night caused the Metro to spontaneously combust.”
I am really happy that I had finishing drinking my seltzer when I read that otherwise seltzer would have gone through my nose from the laughter.
me! but with the blue line because i don’t ever want to be at a station when the tracks catch on fire
“Trains are delayed through Stadium Armory because, well, it’s Stadium Armory.”
Are all Red Lines terrible? The Red Line in Chicago is the worst line.
The Red Lines in Boston and LA are pretty okay. Although someone once lost their pet snake on the Boston one.
I am fairly familiar with the Red Line on the T (alas, I am more familiar with the Green Line, which I still find a little charming if also awful), but I just cannot imagine how someone lost their snake on the Red Line.
Or any line. How does one look a snake in a subway?
The Red Line in Portland doesn’t seem to be any worse than any other. The number 75 bus on the other hand….
Reply permanently failed because recipient was emotionally blackmailed into a family get-together and is currently fashioning a garrote out of dinner napkins.
Real talk, this is the reason I ended up missing out on social engagements every time I came home from college. “I can’t… I’m supposed to go to Wisconsin this weekend to watch my cousin’s baseball tournament. I’m sorry (two dozen sadface emoticons)”
I went to a party once, and I met a nice lady, but then as the night went on she got progressively odder and odder, and I am afraid that I am actually that lady to everyone else.
Maybe you get less and less odd? Would that be better or worse?
Was she drinking a sort of amberish colored liquid? Or something in a can, but that you didn’t recognize as a brand of soda?
So we’ve met, then?
I’m almost positive I’m that lady.
Also me.
I think it was me, actually, and I wish there were a way to be sure.
Reply permanently failed because can’t we all just admit we hate showing up to things in person and just do this over Slack or something?
Can we party over Slack? I would be absolutely down for that.
Toastieslack basically IS partying over Slack, 24/7. <3 <3 <3
…I need to know where the Toastieslack is, like, now.
you can email ppyajunebug [at] gmail for an invite!
Their one-man show, “The Untroubled Soups of My Childhood”* – first installment, followed by “A Troubled Soup of Hormones: the Teenage Years”, “The Follies and Fillets My Youth”, “The Stew Thickens: My Early-Onset Midlife Crisis” and lastly (with an exclamation mark for a touch of delectable** irony) “Crumbs!”
* Am (not too) mildly worried that this is something that might very well come to exist, if not as a show, at least as a vlog or something.
** Delectable being a word I loathe with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns, *especially* when used to describe a human being (or any part of their anatomy), as seen way too often in the romance bilge I have the misfortune to translate for a living. /rant
Sometimes people leave youuuuuuu
Halfway through the wood!
Others may deceive youuuuu
You decide what’s good!
You decide alone!
But no one is alone.
The number one reason I don’t go to parties is for fear no one else will go and I will die of secondhand sadness/shame. This fear is not unfounded: a friend of mine had a birthday party in, like, 4th grade and no one went except for me. There were all these trays of snacks, lovingly prepared, and sodas, and, oh GOD. Granted, I should perhaps be over it some 25ish years later. But I still will not go to a party unless I know it will be VERY well-attended. If there is lackluster response on the evite or whatever, I ain’t going.
My little sister had that happen to her in or around 4th grade, and my mom made me (4.5 years older, early teen, SO not having it) stay and hang out with my sister and her friend and even my obnoxious teen self was able to appreciate that my sister’s situation was pretty messed up and grudgingly eat doritos and play whatever games they wanted.
oh man that sounds awful. For both you and your friend. I pretty much always arrive a little late to parties because I hate being the first one there and having to make small talk with the host while you wait for everybody else to show. No thank you I will arrive after the bulk of invitees have already done so.
Ugh, last year I went to a coworker’s holiday party and was purposely 45 minutes late so as to avoid this exact situation, and I WAS STILL THE FIRST ONE THERE. Plenty of people did eventually show up, but I really thought 45 minutes was a safe margin. Apparently not.
see, that’s why I DO go. what if no one else shows up? they need someone there!
Hahaha well you just described my wedding reception.
NOnononono I just died of thirdhand sadness/shame. Your poor friend!
I had a party as an actual adult person to which I invited 20-odd people (possibly more) and prepared enough food to potentially feed them all, and three people showed. Three. We had a very nice time (and I’ve had much better party luck since), but it hurt a lot at the time. Also I was eating cuban sandwiches for the next week.
Oh my god I am so sorry that happened to you, please have so many internet hugs.
I threw that same party only it was lasagna I ate for a week.
Tiny party solidarity! *fist bump*
This was my birthday last week. Two guests and my mom and brother. One of the many reasons I’m afraid to have a wedding.
I went to a party with a couple of friends where no one else showed up (possibly because the host was charging a cover). More booze for us.
And this is why I can’t have a wedding.
My daughter was this birthday girl at about the same age. It was heartbreaking. 🙁
Bless you (and that one friend of my daughter’s) for at least not making it a no-show.
Combine “Reply permanently failed because recipient already went to a party once and it wasn’t their thing” with being emotionally blackmailed into a family gathering and you have my current dilemma: Mr. LeighTX and I will be celebrating our 25th anniversary this summer and our parents would like very much to throw us a party, very much against our will. Parties aren’t our thing, ESPECIALLY parties that focus attention on either of us, but “No, thank you, that’s a lovely thought but we’re not interested” isn’t going over like it should.
Pressure statements include, “But you need to celebrate! One of you could die before your next anniversary!” and “You could serve as an example to other couples!” Ugh. Perhaps I should develop a drug problem and then let it take an unfortunate turn?
It’s not your job to serve as an example to other couples?? Not to mention that “you could die” is a terrible reason to do something you DON’T want to do!!
Ugh, sorry people are being weird about it! I would alternate between “Yes, we’re going to celebrate privately” and “That’s an odd thing to say.” If they’re confused by your preference, be confused right back at their persistence.
Hahaha, add an eyebrow waggle to that “We’re going to celebrate privately” and they’ll probably drop the topic!
Add a few pelvic thrusts to the eyebrow waggle and they’ll definitely drop the topic.
Haha, that should definitely do the trick! I love a good pelvic thrust – it is usually especially daunting when done by a woman.
Ugh. I’m sorry. Reading things like that makes me want to write retorts to them, so I’m doing that–not as a suggestion per se because you didn’t ask for that, but because your family is making me argumentative.
“Attending parities is hard social work we don’t enjoy. Sometimes, we do it for other people because they like it and it helps them feel special and celebrate their special things. We like making people we care about feel special. The partying itself though, is a chore. You throwing a party for us doesn’t make us feel special, it makes us feel like you are trying to pressure us to us to give up a day that is about us as a couple to do a chore for you that we really don’t like–and also to act as if we’re grateful to you for making us do that chore. I know you don’t want to make us feel that way, so if you want to help us celebrate our anniversary, we would be thrilled if you did something like x or y, and when it’s your anniversary, you can let us know how you want to celebrate it.”
Too much reading. How about:
“Thanks, but we said no.”
“Sorry but it’s our anniversary and we plan to be alone wearing nothing but lubrication and maybe some kind of strap-based garments” might be enough to horrify them into not asking further?
Uuuugggghhhhh but seriously just write a fucking email or something, I sent out save the dates for my anniversary party in July like two weeks ago and TWO people have responded. And these are all, like, my closest friends! Do they think it’s just…a given that they’ll be there? Do they think anniversary parties are gauche? Do they secretly hate me now? I JUST WANT SOME SORT OF RESPONSE.
*gnashes teeth*
Hmm, I’d mark my calendar from a save-the-date, but I wouldn’t expect it to need a reply. Unless it clearly asked for one, which maybe yours did.
I never knew I was supposed to reply to a save the date! I thought I could wait for the actual invite. (Though wedding save the dates may be different from those for an anniversary party.) Maybe that’s why no one has responded yet?
Keep in mind that each individual is only aware of the context of their own invitation, not that only two people have responded. I would text or email (individually) with “I’m confirming numbers so I can plan food and drinks! Are you able to attend?” for a personal follow-up…
Haha, you guys are so thoughtful. These aren’t traditional mailed save the dates, like for a wedding (in which case I would totally not expect a reply); this was a super informal group email to a bunch of friends I see and email with multiple times a week. And it’s just…radio silence. Like, hardly anyone has said anything about it. And I feel real anxious about following up yet because, you know, what if they all loathe me and asking them for a response just makes them angrier?! And I come off as desperate and needy and pathetic?! *buries self underground*
Anyway, this is just my own neuroses talking, you are all probably right, thanks for the reassurance. 🙂
No no — it’s totally fine to ask! I wouldn’t think to reply to a save the date unless it said rsvp! But if you send a follow up email asking for confirmation I think your friends will (likely) react differently.
Miss Manners here. I do actually RSVP and write that I am incredibly sorry not to be able to attend because previous engagements. Does no one have manners today? Your and my ‘previous engagement’ can and often does involve a DVD, Doritos and dogs.
Reply never came because you invited me on Facebook during a period of time I was compulsively avoiding it, knowing I do this frequently, and you didn’t just text.
“It was on Facebook!”
“You know I’m never on Facebook.”
“But it was on Facebook!”
I only joined Facebook because someone told me they weren’t going to email me invitations anymore since I was the only one in the group not on Facebook. In retrospect I should have known that friendship wasn’t a lasting one.
Reply permanently failed because recipient feels that by accepting the invitation, s/he is actually admitting to having nothing else to do at that time, so concludes the best course of action is to lie on the floor with the lights out and let everyone believe s/he is wanted somewhere else.
Reply permanently failed because ever since I acquired a Tiny Human I just assume that all party invitations are extended to either mock me or remind me of ye goode olde days when leaving the house until after dark was actually an option.
Reply permanently failed because the recipient considers you a good friend, but cannot stand that other friend of yours and does not feel like pretending they do.
Sub in “your husband” for “that other friend” and there’s nearly all the grad school parties I skipped.
Note to future self, include Reply permanently failed because the recipient will probably tell you to leave your husband in front of your husband.
I thought this was going to be about the Miss Manners graduation party letter.
Reply permanently failed because recipient suspects this “party” is really for an MLM.
This is all very relatable to me rn because yesterday I got really excited when I saw an email from my favorite cousin inviting me to a wine & cheese party only to realize when I opened it, that it was an MLM party. Lame.
Reply permanently failed because recipient thinks your real friends should refuse your invitations to your face.
*gasp*
That’s just cold, sir.
I threw that same party only it was lasagna I ate for a week.
Add a few pelvic thrusts to the eyebrow waggle and they'll definitely drop the topic.
I only joined Facebook because someone told me they weren't going to email me invitations anymore since I was the only one in the group not on Facebook. In retrospect I should have known that friendship wasn't a lasting one.
Sub in "your husband" for "that other friend" and there's nearly all the grad school parties I skipped.
Haha, that should definitely do the trick! I love a good pelvic thrust – it is usually especially daunting when done by a woman.
Step-parenting is fucking hard. I only do it part-time (every other weekend and most holidays) and it overwhelms me too. It seems like you're doing a really good job as a stepmom if you are the most approachable person in your stepkid's life. Take Scarlett's advice about setting boundaries and take care of yourself. 🙂