Celebrities I Have Long Believed Are Enchanted Dogs In Human Form

by Mallory Ortberg · July 17, 2015

Obviously, Channing Tatum and Joe Manganiello. The entire male cast of Magic Mike XXL, really, all wet noses and unbridled enthusiasm and hanging their heads out of car windows and sniffing things for the sheer joy of being alive. If Labrador Retrievers had abs, it would be these men. Fights are quickly dissolved into celebrations of life. They probably eat garbage, and kick their legs in the air if you scratch them in the right place. Life is reaction, and smelling other people’s hair, and moving as quickly as possible, and mating cheerfully, and finding a warm spot by the fire to curl up in.

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Also Freddie Prinze Jr, which I feel REALLY strongly about ever since I watched I Know What You Did Last Summer for the first time last month, because he’s got those big sad Sarah MacLachlan dog-commercial dog-eyes, like he’s coming up on his last few good years and the shelter workers aren’t sure if anyone’s ever going to take him home, even though he’s a great dog.

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Other celebrities I’m convinced have been be-witched up into human bodies (but who are secretly all tails and hip dysplasia):

  • Danza, Tony
  • Evans, Chris
  • Pratt, Chris
  • Not any of the Hemsworths, for some reason
  • Selena Gomez?? like a really pretty fluffy Pomeranian

The real question, right, about these enchanted dogs, is: are they happy as celebrities, or would they be happier if we released them to their true forms and allowed them to run free on a beach somewhere? I wonder, sometimes.

Kendra Wells is an illustrator who gives great Girl Tips. 

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75 Comments

  1. Alli525 +28

    Oh man Freddie Prinze Jr is 100% an enchanted dog. Like a foxhound or plott hound, except when he plays any Good But Rough Around The Edges role (like his arc on 24), in which case he is like a foxhound or plott except that he just THINKS he’s a doberman.

    1. Petrichor

      Freddie Prinze Jr. is NOT a foxhound or plott hound. He is an adorable enchanted golden retriever puppy, and when he feels sad, the only way he can be happy again is by having me hold him in my arms and stroke him. Also, he’s MINE ALL MINE so I don’t know why you’re even thinking about him. 🙂

    2. thewildland +40

      The real scrappy, tough-looking kind that you find at a shelter, who maybe is missing a chunk of his ear or something, but who really just wants to love you forever and get as many bellyrubs as you can possibly provide!

  3. hugpunch +46

    Harrison Ford. He’s a husky. So handsome when young, still handsome and grizzled when old.

  4. jekyllian +14

    this may actually explain why i like all those magic mike dudes (except tarzan, he kind of freaks me out??) + chris evans + chris pratt so much

    1. JocastaCarr +74

      AHHHHHH OH MY GOD HE IS ACTUALLY A GOLDEN RETRIEVER NAMED MEATBALL IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW

    2. grumblyqueer +59

      OBVIOUSLY he is a golden retriever, but not the doofy English ones. Evans is an AMERICAN Golden Retriever; he is long-legged and blonde and ridiculously energetic, but not excessively blocky or floofy. Like so:

      1. sednarea51 +24

        YES. Perfection. Tall and lean-ish and darker-haired, not that super-pale blonde. Nothing too fussy, just a wiggly happy dude. And with a big doofy grin.

      2. Unreadaethel +10

        Oh my god I want to just curl up by a warm fire with that dog, and not actually move for about a week.

        Which is just further proof that Chris Evans is that dog.

      3. margotayer +1

        I think Irish setter works better — similar but not as blond – and defined by the AKC as: Affectionate, Companionable, Energetic, Independent, Lively, Playful

        I think Chris Pratt is more of an American retriever: Confident, Friendly, Intelligent, Kind, Reliable, Trustworthy

        Both great dogs though!

        1. grumblyqueer +7

          People rush to name every floppy enthusiastic actor as a Golden Retriever, and this wounds me deeply. American Golden Retrievers are the type of dog to complete an agility trial, chill in a hunting blind for hours until needed to fetch a duck, search a disaster area for trapped children, eat too much kibble, and then nap. They love playing, but they also love their job and are extremely competent at it.

          Pratt is not such a retriever. He’s a goofy, hyper, drooly Boxer, who’s prone to wagging his whole butt because two inches of cropped tail can’t properly convey his enthusiasm. He loves every person he’s ever met and firmly believes that he’s a 70-pound lapdog:

  6. threatqualitypress +26

    Maybe it would be best if they could change back and forth sometimes, like that guy who had dog powers on True Blood.

      1. threatqualitypress +2

        was Joe Mangienello the one with dog powers?  I thought he was a werewolf.

        1. Unreadaethel +5

          No, Sam the Bartender was the one with dog powers. Dog shifter, werewolf, w/e.

  7. alliana07 +23

    Norman Reedus. He’d be the kind of dog that could never sit still though, like he’s always investigating new things and running off all “SQUIRREL!”. Loves hanging his head out car windows while driving. Makes friends with EVERYONE. He can also be very cuddly, though he’s totally a face-licker.

  8. ppyajunebug +74

    I wonder if it’s Chris Pratt the man who gives off the impression of being a dog, or his continued association with the role of Andy Dwyer, Actual Puppy.

    1. sarah_jay +9

      I’ve never seen Parks and Rec, but I always think of him as a Golden Retriever, based solely on interviews I’ve seen with him

    1. grumblyqueer +8

      Hemsworth is one of the giant, blocky English Golden Retrievers that look like genial yellow Newfoundlands.

      1. Perdita McLeod +15

        I get more of a Great Pyrenees vibe from Chris Hemsworth. Because he’s mostly golden retriever-like but somehow hella majestic?

  12. Sean_Sullivan +16

    John C. Reilly – Newfypoo
    Edie McClurg – Bichon Frise
    Peter Falk – Irish Wolfhound
    Judy Greer – Basenji
    Richard Kind – Bernese Mountain Dog

    1. Unreadaethel +7

      I think Peter Falk’s actually a good ol’ American mutt, something a bit shaggy and rumpled-looking.

  13. aqwaplop +65

    I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I’ll say it as many times as I have to:
    Cher is at least two dogs.

  14. Frumiosa +14

    Literally every character on the American version of Queer As Folk. You could reshoot the entire thing with dogs and it would change nothing.

    1. jennascherer +7

      Is it because they’re always pouring water over their heads and then literally shaking themselves dry?

  15. MeinFurrier +8

    Ramona Singer from Real Housewives of New York switched bodies with her dog a long time ago. It is known.

      1. MeinFurrier +6

        It explains everything, right? Have you ever noticed how normal her dog acts? Sometimes it looks at her wistfully for the life it once had, especially when they were having that stupid vow renewal ceremony.

  17. RLT +55

    It’s important to make a distinction between exposing dogs who have taken human form, and identifying what type of dog a person would be, if that person was a dog (which they are not). Well done, Mallory, your examples all check out.

    My daughter is a dog in human form. I used to say this as a joke when she was like 3 and would put everything possible in her mouth, jump up on people, run to the front door an make a racket when someone was there, and run after any small critter she happened to spot. But now she is 7, and still doing all those things, plus oh did I mention LICKING or GENTLY BITING when she is overcome with loving feelings form someone. So it’s not a joke any more.

    3. barbariceggplant +7

      Tilda Swinton is variously a dog and a cat, kind of like her turn in Orlando.

  21. BessieMaeMucho +14

    Alyson Hannigan is awfully easy to picture as something in a terrier. Those big eyes!

      1. crawlkill +2

        I have a whole category of human I refer to as “dog gays,” which is not an insult! but it is a thing. he is the inspiration.

  28. mkpatter +4

    There was a time when I wou.ld have disagreed re: Freddie Prinze Jr., but after two roles as queer positive bros in BioWare games (and watching the making of vids with him), you’re totally right. I think he’s an Great Dane.

  29. Megano!

    There was a time when I wou.ld have disagreed re: Freddie Prinze Jr., but after two roles as queer positive bros in BioWare games (and watching the making of vids with him), you're totally right. I think he's an Great Dane.