This is exactly how you should be dealing with your body hair.

Eyebrows

Firstly, your eyebrows aren’t long enough. Buy some Rogaine and keep applying until your eyebrows are long and luxurious, falling down to your cheekbones and thick like a horse’s tail. Then, fishtail braid across your face for a bohemian look.

 

Eyelashes

Eyelash extensions are all the rage…now. Get the jump on next year’s trends by embracing eyelash reductions. Wax them all out, then slather vaseline on your lash line to ensure as many ingrown hairs as possible.

 

Upper lip

Pluck every third hair for that “natural shadow.”

 

Armpit

Shave the hair and mix with the blood of a barracuda caught with a silver hook. On the night of a waxing crescent moon, drink the mixture and stare into the eyes of an old cat. The cat will speak, and its words will let you know what you want for lunch tomorrow.

 

Arm

Start brushing it in the other direction because you bow for no follicle.

 

Knuckle

Start a tumblr that’s just a different, close-up photo of your knuckle hair every day. Wait for someone to write a profile piece about how empowered about your body you are.

 

Leg

Always maintain a four day stubble you you can rub your legs together and emit high-pitched scratchy noises like a cricket.

 

Pubic

If your partner wants you to shave it off, grow it out. If people tell you it’s akin to human torture to be expected to be bare, remove all hair plus at least three layers of skin. Get a reverse landing strip. Wax it off and tape it to your outer thighs. Whatever it is, it must be done out of spite.