Email us questions at [email protected], subject line “businesslady.” Previous installments can be found here.
Greetings, Toasties!
Dear Businesslady has been around for long enough that I’ve accrued a robust backlog of unanswered letters, and a lot of them present issues that seem to have pretty straightforward solutions. Leaving them unpublished feels like a violation of my advice-giver mandate—and it’s starting to make me feel guilty. (You know that thing when an old friend writes you a “let’s catch up!” email, and then you take so long to respond that you feel like you’d have to write a Tolkien trilogy to justify the delay, and then that burden seems so overwhelming that you just never reply at all, and you hate yourself? It’s kind of like that.)
To clear both my inbox and my conscience, here are some shorter answers to (somewhat) simpler questions. If you have alternate takes to any of these scenarios, feel free to weigh in via the comments.
I’ve never written to an advice column before, but my coworker has me stumped. We work together well and get along with each other on a personal level. We are also the only two people who report directly to our boss.
Since I started, I have noticed some possessiveness, for lack of a better word, on the part of my coworker. It seems like she wants to 1) be best friends with our boss and 2) make sure everybody knows she is better friends with our boss than I am. She makes regular, pointed comments about how the two of them have such similar tastes, similar temperaments, similar senses of humor, similar working styles, etc. She talks about her opinions of our boss’s friends and family and is always sure to remind me that I don’t know them as well. I could go on.
I find this very confusing because truly, from the bottom of my heart, I do not care. I like them both, but I am not trying to be best friends with either of them. I don’t feel that I am really doing anything to compete besides, you know, existing. My strategy so far has been to stay the course and try not to bring up our boss any more than is strictly necessary. However, the competitiveness has increased steadily (and, in my mind, inexplicably) over the last two years, and I’d just really like to put an end to it if at all possible. What do you think I should do?
Ooh, I wish I had a magic bullet for this one, because I think you’re already doing everything right: staying out of the drama as much as possible, not letting it get to you, and recognizing it for the nonsense it is.
This clearly stems from some kind of insecurity on your colleague’s part, and in my experience calling people on their insecurities does little to dismantle them. That said, you could still try to sit down with Weirdly Possessive Coworker and talk about it directly—and if you approach it from an angle of “hey, this constant referencing of your soulmate status with Boss is weird for me,” you might have some chance of success.
Of course, that requires framing things such that you’re the one with the problem, and that may be tough to pull off.
Another option would be to start making good-natured jokes about it (which might help you blow off steam and feel less irritated). Coworker: “did you know that Boss and I are both water signs?!” You: “yes, clearly you were preordained by the universe to one day be her employee.” But then again…I may not be the best judge of what a “good-natured joke” is. The success of this method depends on your ability to carry it off in a truly lighthearted way and not sound like a dick—the last thing you want to do is to rile up your coworker even more and make things worse.
I feel for you, because this sounds maddening. Ultimately, though, it might be one of those annoying workplace conditions you just have to live with—and if either of the above strategies sounds like a nonstarter, that’s probably the best way to go.
* * *
I’d like to move back to my home state, and to that end I’ve been looking at open jobs in my field. My father is urging me to call the mother of one of my high school classmates, who is some sort of bigwig at a college in my hometown, and ask her to provide a personal recommendation for me. “She likes you. She always asks about you. She has followed your career with interest,” my father insists.
I haven’t seen or talked to this person or her daughter in at least twelve years. Quite apart from my reluctance to ask favors of someone to whom my connection is so tenuous, could her recommendation (based on what? my performance in The Caucasian Chalk Circle when I was 15?) possibly do me any good?
Thanks,
Frustrated Daughter
I like this question because you and your dad are both a little bit right and a little bit wrong—and if your family is anything like mine, maybe you’re not super adept at seeing nuance when it comes to intergenerational disagreement.
You’re totally right that a “recommendation” from this vague acquaintance would be absurd. Most employers don’t want personal endorsements as it is—they want to talk to people who’ve actually worked with you and know what you’re like in a professional setting—and they definitely don’t want to hear from people who haven’t interacted with you since you completed puberty.
But at the same time, I think your father is onto something here, and I suspect that your knee-jerk “oh my god, Dad, no” reaction is blinding you to it.
If this local bigwig is still in touch with your family and genuinely interested in where you’ve ended up, that’s a connection you can use to your advantage. Get in touch with her and explain that you’re starting a job search in your hometown (amid other “how’ve you been”/“how’s your daughter doing” pleasantries, of course). Give a quick summary of your background and the type of role you’re looking for and ask if she knows of any leads that might be viable. Colleges and universities employ a lot of people, so the odds are good that she might have some suggestions. Plus, “Important Person tipped me off to this opening” is a great thing to include in a cover letter.
Depending on how warmly and enthusiastically she responds to this initial contact (and how relevant her position is to your own field), you might also consider asking her for an informational interview—but if you do meet up with her or set up a phone call, make sure you have actual substantive questions to ask beyond “how can I get myself employed?” or “how can I be successful like you?”
Basically, don’t pass up a prime opportunity for networking (which is basically a gross, businessy word for “letting the people you know help you out”) just because it came packaged in an off-base parental suggestion.
* * *
I have a Finance/Accounting Analyst position with a large company that I have been with for almost three years. I currently like the work I am doing but my role has recently increased to include another person’s role (who was a level higher than me and made about $30k more) and there seem to be more increases in the horizon. Throughout these changes, my boss has been fantastic. I have such a great amount of respect for him and he is especially appreciated after I had a revolving door of bosses in my previous role with the company.
Despite the fact that I love my boss and my work, I don’t think it is fair for me to being doing more work for the same pay and which is a situation that seems to occur often in the company. Because of this, I have been testing out the market and will be ready to leave if the right opportunity comes along.
The problem: The person I backfilled quit abruptly right before the busiest time of the year and it put a lot of strain on my department. That time of year is coming up again and I have some good prospects for leaving, one that I would consider a dream job. How do I handle this with my boss? I don’t want to place him in such a bad situation but I know I need to make the best decision for my career.
Since you really love your boss that much (and it sounds like you have a good relationship with him), you could let him know that you’re on the way out. If there’s any chance of the company giving you a raise/change of title to reflect all the extra work you’ve been doing—and if you’d be interested in sticking around under those conditions, which is key—then that gives you the license to say “hey, I tried to stay” no matter how things play out.
But, c’mon—you know what I’m gonna say here, right? Quit. Your. Job.
I mean, seriously: it’s just a job. If you’ve got something unequivocally better on the horizon, or you know that they’re already paying you all they can, or you’re already so burned out that even a fafillion more dollars wouldn’t change things—then go for it. Your boss and coworkers might be extra swamped for a while as a result of your departure, but so what? Other people’s workloads are less important than your overall well-being.
* * *
I finished a Master’s degree last year, and promptly left the country to go travelling. It has now been 18 months (I haven’t been travelling the whole time, but haven’t been working either. Yup, I know I’m pretty lucky, nope I’m not rich, it’s complicated) and I am in the process of moving back home and looking for work.
All of the advice I’ve found with regards to returning to the workforce has been for returning mothers. Which is good and all, but doesn’t work for my situation, as the advice usually assumes a stable place of residence (nope) good integration, i.e. contacts with the community where you wish to work (nope) and previous full time work (nope).
Do you have any advice for a 20 something with a humanities degree, a pretty ok but old part-time job history, and a significant recent gap in her CV?
You’re in a bit of a tough spot because you’re basically starting from scratch in terms of your job search (education and work history notwithstanding). But I don’t think a resume gap of less than two years is going to hurt you that much, particularly when it follows on the heels of a graduate degree. And the good news is that entry-level full-time jobs are a thing: once you’ve landed your first position, you’ll be well on your way to building a more long-term career.
If you’ve got a humanities background, that should mean you’re at least a halfway decent writer, so let the cover letter be your savior here. That’s the place where you can (briefly!) explain why you haven’t been working recently, and it’s also where you can narrate your work history in a way that aligns well with the positions you’re applying for. (More on this here.)
Also, just because you don’t have a local network yet doesn’t mean you can’t quickly establish one. As soon as you’re fully settled in your new area, start making friends. Maybe so-and-so’s former boss needs a freelancer, maybe someone else has a cousin whose cool company is hiring, maybe there’s a powerful family friend your dad’s been hounding you to contact (ha)—even if those leads don’t pan out, you’ll be developing contacts in your new community and practicing your job-search skills.
That’s not to say that getting a job is easy—but it takes perseverance and patience no matter how “perfect” your resume might be. And my inbox is (still!) full of letters from people who are in a very similar position, so rest assured that you’re not alone.
Tags: advice, dear businesslady, jobs
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My number one piece of getting-a-job advice that I think fits letters 2 and 3 is FOLLOW THROUGH. You have no idea how few people actually send that second email or schedule a coffee date. When we talk about networking, just showing up gets you 90% of the way there. Everyone comments to me that I seem to be in with so many people in my field and this is my only trick. And now that I’m ready to make another jump, it’s proving itself incredibly useful – three phone calls and now I have two potential jobs lined up.
Re: Letter #3 about the person doing more and more work who feels guilty about possibly leaving (and leaving coworkers in the lurch):
You have to do what’s best for you. If you get that “dream job” then GO. I guarantee you anyone else at that company would do it. Every single time that my husband has passed up another opportunity to stay at his same position/job out of a sense of loyalty to his boss, that boss will announce that they are leaving a few weeks later, because THEY got a better opportunity. It’s happened three times now. Everyone does it. And once you leave, whatever extra work you’ve made for other people is Not Your Problem.
Yes, this! In my old job, the boss wouldn’t let us go on temporary assignments to other offices unless she was required too–we were “too short-staffed” and she couldn’t do any hiring (US federal government). We had all bought in to how we were short-staffed and couldn’t leave, and then the boss left on her own temporary assignment. Morale basically died immediately. Within two months, one employee left for another job and I left on a temporary assignment. Later, my boss and I both left for permanent new assignments on the same day. If I were left there without her, I would be unbelievably angry.
Re Letter #3: your relationship with your employer is, under most circumstances, a power dynamic you are on the wrong end of. You owe your employer no more loyalty than it shows you. Right now it is happy to give you considerable extra work without the pay that previously went along with that work. No matter how personally nice your boss is, that is taking advantage of you. Under those circumstances, you are entirely justified in looking for work where the pay and the effort involved are commensurate.
One of the reasons corporations get away with so much nonsense that that they generally have no problem sacrificing ethical scruples and informal norms that their employees struggle with to profit. You’re playing their game, so you need to play by their rules.
LW3, it is a manager’s responsibility (not yours) to ensure continuity in the event of a sudden departure. Employees might go away at any time for any number of reasons; a good manager will have a system in place to help keep operations going in the event. One tactic is to have each position create a handbook or how-to that is continually updated as workflow evolves. (This was the strategy of one of my previous employers that happens to suit my communication style, so in every subsequent job I’ve created written guidelines and instruction packets as I went along. If that sounds reasonable to you, you might consider doing so if you think it will support your boss and assuage your completely unnecessary guilt.) Another tactic would be to cross-train staff so they can take over for each other on a temporary basis. But a good manager would definitely NOT allow one employee to absorb another’s workload without additional compensation or some kind of extraction plan. If your departure would put your manager in a tight spot, you are actually not the cause of that problem.
Another thing to remember is that when you’re a motivated and capable worker who ends up taking on work above your pay grade, it’s very easy to think “This place can’t function without me!” This is untrue and stockholming. The place will find a way to go on.
For LW 3 – it will be inconvenient for the company and your boss if you leave, but the inconvenience could have easily been avoided by paying you what your work is worth. If they’re not willing to do that, it’s on them.
Great angle! We don’t hear/internalize this enough.
Oh, parental advice. My mom is always so eager to offer career advice even though she was in a completely different career and hasn’t had to look for a job in 35 years! It’s the best.
Pound the pavement! Give the (nameless, shrouded) hiring manager a call! Just mail your resume around!
Yeah! When they say “no calls please” that’s just to weed out the lazy applicants! Show some gumption!!
Parents are really not good at realizing when they have no idea what they’re talking about.
I remember confiding in my mom when I was having trouble with a colleague, and she said “Well he’s your boss, so…” even though I did not report to him and we had different managers. That was when I knew she wouldn’t be able to overcome her bias from working with men 30 years ago 🙁
I hope it’s okay to add a question to this little mixed grill of advice. If not, delete with no second thoughts, admins. I’m sending out letters of introduction for jobs and have done my due diligence and found names of people to reach out to so as to avoid the spammy vibe of “Dear Sir or Madam.” However, when a name is gender-vague, what’s the appropriate greeting? “Dear Firstname” feels like an overreach, but “Mx.” is likely to be perceived as a typo, which does me no favors as a writer. Help?
This maybe doesn’t speak to how to address a vaguely-named person with a gendered title, but I use “Dear Hiring Manager,” or something along those lines in all my cover letters.
I usually do a google image search. Even if I can’t find the same John Doe who works at Apple, I can see that most people named John Doe seem to be guys.
That doesn’t work for someone whose name is something like ‘Alex’ or ‘Sam’ – my friend at work got called ‘he’ by a co-worker in an email. Her name is short for Alexandra.
I would use “Dear Firstname Lastname” in that scenario, with no title. Actually, this is what I always use when I know the hiring managers full name. Now that I see this question I’m worried about whether I’m too informal, but it’s worked very well for me and probably matches the tone of my letters overall (which I try to make more conversational).
Fields I’ve worked within: Education, Technology
Fields I have (notably) not worked within: Law
YMMV
I think all the advice above would work, depending on what feels most natural for you: you can look them up to see if you can find a photo (or a bio/blurb about the person that includes a gendered pronoun or salutation), you could use “Dear Hiring Manager,” or you could use “Dear Firstname Lastname.”
And of course, if you’re addressing someone with a nonbinary gender identity–something that’s probably going to get increasingly common as our culture slowly becomes less shitty–those last two are your best bet unless you’re really, truly sure you’re using the person’s preferred terminology.
Ah, thank you all, this is very helpful. I’m definitely not the person to correctly guess your pants contents or self-concept from a photo (I myself routinely confound people in this regard, but have a feminine-sounding name, so it works better if I hide behind a screen when we meet), but I think Firstname Lastname, while it sounds a little spammy, errs on the sides of both thoroughness and respect. We have a winnah!
If it helps you think about it, I’m pretty sure it’s the Quaker way. They don’t believe in hierarchy? (It’s possible I just made that up.)
For LW1: I am not neurotypical. Once in a while, I have a boss or a senior employee who has the same brains I do, and it’s SUCH a relief that people like me can have jobs and be valued as employees. I am not socially deft or subtle, so I spend a lot of time being like
“This person is awesome! And they’re like me! And they’re awesome! And like me! The logical conclusion is that I am NOT an enormous pile of shit! What a relief!”
Does this sound like it might be true for your co-worker? If it is, this will never end. What you are doing is great, what Businesslady suggests might work but might also make your coworker feel really terrible, terrible at obeying social mores, the world is cold and dark.
I also got really enthusiastic and possessive about my new boss because the previous boss had been a truly bad fit for me. That enthusiasm faded after a couple of years, although I am still outsized fond of that dude and his ability to communicate and take suggestions.
Aww, I don’t want to make anyone feel like the world is cold and dark (or at least, not unless they deserve it, which wouldn’t apply here).
I suspect that there’s a competitive vibe in the LW1 scenario, because that’s what would make it start to grate. If it were just sincere, if unusually intense, enthusiasm, I think that’d be easier to write off as a harmless quirk. (Think about how “coworker won’t stop talking about figure skating” is something you can internally roll your eyes at and ignore, while “coworker won’t stop talking about dieting/fitness while I am fat” or similar feels more personally intrusive and frustrating.)
It would make sense if it were a competitive thing. I am not saying your advice is wrong if the person is being competitive. But people often overlook the neurodiverse thing so it would be good for the LW to assess first.
And, um, I can’t think about how “coworker won’t stop talking about figure skating” is a harmless quirk because people like me spend a lot of their lives being bashed and excluded for having an obsessive interest in the “harmless quirk” arena. We are trained to treat our special interests as if they are equivalent to flapping (which is fine) or touching people without permission (which is not) by our therapists. I do not understand the metaphor and it seems cruel as hell.
I’m so sorry this isn’t coming across well! Obviously I’m coming from a neurotypical perspective, and I appreciate that you’re fleshing things out by sharing your own experiences.
With that metaphor, I was trying to convey that you negotiate a lot of differences in a workplace: people with different interests, personalities, working styles, etc. Usually the best course of action is to just live and let live, but that can be more difficult if your coworkers’ differences are putting you in an uncomfortable position. If your discomfort is getting to the point where it’s impacting your ability to get along with that person, then it’s probably best to try addressing it somehow.
It was a flawed metaphor though, because diet/fitness evangelism is pretty much always obnoxious in a professional setting, while figure skating (or any other passion) is not.
And in the case of LW1’s colleague, they’re probably unaware of how they’re coming across regarding this whole “boss is so great” thing, so negotiating it appropriately will really depend on the dynamic between the two of them and a cost/benefit analysis between maintaining the status quo vs. potential awkwardness from making it A Thing.
I hope that helps. I’m definitely in agreement that you should consider any particular coworker behavior in the context of the whole person, and err on the side of inclusivity/acceptance/etc.
It sounds like you are saying both that it is very unlikely that this person is a person like me, which is a prejudice that you should examine, and that everyone should be able to tell the difference between socially acceptable quirks and socially unacceptable quirks which is another thing you should examine.
I’m absolutely aware that not everyone can discern the social acceptability of their behavior, and I try to take that into account in my interactions with other people. But you’re right that I have no way of knowing where LW1’s colleague is coming from beyond what’s in the letter.
It’s always smart for neurotypical people to consider how other people might be processing things differently, so thanks for weighing in and offering another perspective.
I'm so sorry this isn't coming across well! Obviously I'm coming from a neurotypical perspective, and I appreciate that you're fleshing things out by sharing your own experiences.
With that metaphor, I was trying to convey that you negotiate a lot of differences in a workplace: people with different interests, personalities, working styles, etc. Usually the best course of action is to just live and let live, but that can be more difficult if your coworkers' differences are putting you in an uncomfortable position. If your discomfort is getting to the point where it's impacting your ability to get along with that person, then it's probably best to try addressing it somehow.
It was a flawed metaphor though, because diet/fitness evangelism is pretty much always obnoxious in a professional setting, while figure skating (or any other passion) is not.
And in the case of LW1's colleague, they're probably unaware of how they're coming across regarding this whole "boss is so great" thing, so negotiating it appropriately will really depend on the dynamic between the two of them and a cost/benefit analysis between maintaining the status quo vs. potential awkwardness from making it A Thing.
I hope that helps. I'm definitely in agreement that you should consider any particular coworker behavior in the context of the whole person, and err on the side of inclusivity/acceptance/etc.
I'm absolutely aware that not everyone can discern the social acceptability of their behavior, and I try to take that into account in my interactions with other people. But you're right that I have no way of knowing where LW1's colleague is coming from beyond what's in the letter.
It's always smart for neurotypical people to consider how other people might be processing things differently, so thanks for weighing in and offering another perspective.
For LW 1, I’m dealing with possessiveness/competitiveness of a different nature where I work. And while it’s only limited to a few people, it’s still definitely bad news for the entire department. I thought about it a lot and at least in my situation I proposed a solution for the entire department to help people support and promote each other, to tackle the other people’s insecurities. In this case I would try to steer the conversation back to the coworker (if possible) and get her to talk about herself, not your boss. “enough about [boss], how was your weekend?” People do like to talk about themselves. Maybe making her feel less insecure will help the situation. If it doesn’t improve I would say talk to your boss, or perhaps someone outside your department for perspective?
That doesn't work for someone whose name is something like 'Alex' or 'Sam' – my friend at work got called 'he' by a co-worker in an email. Her name is short for Alexandra.
I have a friend who is like LW1’s colleague – have known her for donkey’s years and when she is happy in herself and confident and her life is going well she is lovely, but when anything is dodgy in her own life and she’s less happy, she gets very competitive with me for the attention of another mutual friend. Like LW1 I am not interested in competing with friend A for friend B’s BFF-ness, but it’s ever so hard not to be dragged into it. It is tiring, but I tend to just smile and nod and let it wash over me, and remember never to tell A anything that she might pass on to B that makes me sound ‘bad’ – because when she is having a bad day she will bash me to B in any way she possibly can! Possibly something for LW1 to keep in mind if it is a competitive scenario, not that it sounds like LW1 is likely to confide in the co-worker about anything anyway.
For LW1, if it does turn out that the best thing to do is endure it, you could use a trick I use in such situations: create a tally sheet so that every time your co-worker does the thing, make a mental check-mark (that you can later transfer to paper or whatever.) For every X marks, you get to do something… give yourself a small treat, for example. Anything that will feel rewarding, or feel like you’re working *toward* something instead of just passively being irritated. (When the issue is people voicing awful political opinions or somesuch, the reward could be donating a certain amount of money to a cause, so that you get the secret satisfaction of thinking that they’re just helping the opposite cause the more they spout off. Obviously only works if you can afford to, but even a little bit takes the edge off, I find.)
For LW1, if it does turn out that the best thing to do is endure it, you could use a trick I use in such situations: create a tally sheet so that every time your co-worker does the thing, make a mental check-mark (that you can later transfer to paper or whatever.) For every X marks, you get to do something… give yourself a small treat, for example. Anything that will feel rewarding, or feel like you're working *toward* something instead of just passively being irritated. (When the issue is people voicing awful political opinions or somesuch, the reward could be donating a certain amount of money to a cause, so that you get the secret satisfaction of thinking that they're just helping the opposite cause the more they spout off. Obviously only works if you can afford to, but even a little bit takes the edge off, I find.)