Things I, Paul Verhoeven, Have Yelled at Actors While the Camera is Rolling -The Toast

Hello there! It’s me again, critical darling and flawless director Paul Verhoeven. Every movie I make is perfect, yes, thank you for noticing! I was at my weekly canasta game with Luc Besson and John Woo, and we were all relating to each other the sort of things we like to yell at our actors to motivate them while filming. Anyways, I figured everyone would like a little sneak peek!

“Okay, remember everyone: You want to have sex! You’re in a room with a single other human being, so you’re VERY, VERY HORNY. Ok, now there’s a big robot man walking in the club. No big deal, you’re too horny to care! Good, good. OK when the gun gets knocked out of Ray’s hand, someone catch it and keep dancing like they caught a baseball at a Yankees game. Very sexy gun dance! OK Ray now you’re gonna wanna hurt the robot, he interrupted your horny dancing, so you want to kick him in the groin, the most important part of any human being. Perfect!”

“Okay so you’re all in the army! Good, but don’t forget: You’re all VERY horny. Yes, you’re mad at the soldier for being insolent, but never forget that you all want to kiss each other. Other officer! Chase him but remember you too want to smooch. Great! Okay the kid wants to fight you. Take off your belt, just in case the rest of your clothes have to come off too. HORNY GUYS, HORNY. ALWAYS HORNY.”