Recent studies suggest the water in California, there’s plenty of it, and you shouldn’t worry so much. Where’s all the water? Just look at it. There’s some right here, and also just behind you, from before, when you turned around and you weren’t looking, but it was there. The water’s plenty of it.
You were so worried about the drought, and that helped, so now the drought, it’s not anymore. Everyone worried enough, and things are fine now, for droughts. Thanks and good job. So don’t worry now, anymore. The worrying filled the reservoirs, and they’re all full of water. You don’t need to go look at them, it’s all okay. If you don’t ask questions, it rains, and that’s good. Where does the rain come from? Mm. Yes, they sure do.
We checked. The water’s there, the water’s good. All the studies showed it, so. Scientists too. Everyone got together, about last weekend, and we checked it, and the drought’s over. You can’t ask the scientists about it, because they’re all taking long showers now, but they told me to tell you the drought’s gone. The fires are gone too. Just went away, no big deal.
You don’t have to check on anything. Just put something wet on your lawn, wash some dishes, relax. Nothing’s on fire anymore, and we’re not worried, and the ocean’s good too. All the dying is over, and things are just back to living and having rain, and full lakes. What are the lakes full of? Yep, don’t worry about it! Not full of worrying, that’s for sure.
The drought, it went away, and it won’t bother us again, and almonds are fine. The future is where we keep good things, because it’s where good things will happen to us, just like they are now. There’s water there, and safety too, also. All the scientists checked, and here’s the water. It’s in your faucet, in the river, everywhere that’s good.
The trees are good, and the soil is good, so the animals are good too, and so are we, it’s all good and it’s all connected and there’s water all over it, so that’s good and you can thank water and science for it. Science found the water. It’s right over there! You can go see it for yourself, if you want to. Congratulations on all the good things, and the water, and the lawns and whatnot. You don’t have to cut back on anything, and nothing’s dying. Good, good, good.
[Image via – I COULDN’T RESIST – “Uncle Sam’s Misguided Children“]
Tags: don’t worry about it, drought, it’s right here, plenty of water, science, studies show
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What about the avocados? Are they also fine?! I NEED TO KNOW THAT THE AVOCADOS ARE ALSO GOING TO BE FINE!
Avocados are better than ever, thanks for asking, but don’t worry about asking any more questions, scientists are already on it. Avocados are fine with no foreseeable problems.
Also, scientists have arranged things so that avocados will always be at perfect ripeness when you start cooking, and you’ll never have to throw a bunch away again because they weren’t ripe enough the other day but now they’re TOO RIPE.
THIS HURTS.
It’s okay. You don’t need to look, I mean come on, they’re scientists, of course they know what they’re talking about. Just go back to bed, and stop worrying.
AWESOME I’ve gone all summer without making pretend-rain with a hose and I feel bereft.
Image credit links to ANW article on Parade. Which is awesome, but that guy is only 70% water.
I just assumed that was a joke I didn’t get, but your way sounds more reasonable.
I *think* it was supposed to go to this article: http://unclesamsmisguidedchildren.com/is-a-tiny-f…
the drought in California — much like plague, cholera, mosquitoes, tornadoes, earthquakes, the inevitability of death, conspiracy theorists, pain, the dark, Minions, the NFL, JJ Abrahams, styrofoam noise — is going to be absolutely fine and will go away if you just ignore it, probably
JJ Abrahams,
He’s still going by Abrams, actually, because he hasn’t yet made his covenant with G-d and accepted his role in history.
not sure he’ll ever get there, tbh. does he even have a son available for blood sacrifice?
God, I hope not. The Lord may provide the lamb for sacrifice, but he does not provide lens flare.
After Star Trek Into Darkness, he’ll never be right with God. And even if he is, Q is pissed.
OH THANK GOD I AM SO RELIEVED I COULD CRY
(Shut up. I don’t care that this is a humor/satire/etc site. This is hard-hitting factual scientific reporting and if the mainstream media isn’t covering it that’s just because they’re in on the conspiracy and only reporting sound bites and maybe I blinked in missed the coverage because the drought is absolutely over thanks to my worry wake up sheeple.)
Where did I leave my water, is what I’ve been asking this whole time. I thought I left it in the bathroom, but nope, not there. Maybe I left it at the store…. but they would have called me if that was the case, right? The frickin’ bus maybe? I don’t know, is what I’m saying.
Tsk… It’s always in the last place you look, isn’t it?
I once accidentally left my water on the roof of the car and drove off.
Check your couch cushions! I found 4 million gallons in mine just the other day. I know it’s not much in the grand scheme of things, but every little bit helps, right?
Scientists would like to remind you that the human body is over 70% water. Just look at all the people around you! That’s quite a lot of water, isn’t it. How much water, exactly? The answer is in this room right over here. Just go right in.
When I die, can I direct that (instead of being buried or cremated) my body be put into a giant centrifuge for the good of humankind…?
We will give your water to the sietch; for the good of Arrakis.
Yay! Will Patrick Stewart be involved, somehow? (looks hopeful)
Like thus: https://twitter.com/SirPatStew/status/63348442659…
(if you can tell me how to post the image, I would be most grateful.)
The ground is staying in the same place, no sinking is happening, the most fertile soil in the world is not decaying rapidly while also subsiding like a wrung-out sponge.
There is lots of ground water also, ground water levels are normal, all of the wells have water in them, turns out everyone temporarily had their well refilling set to “off” and now they have been turned back on, no problem.
The wildfires are caused by bad people playing with matches, not stomping out their campfires, and also using weedwhackers, not weird monsoon thunderstorms that used to happen once every ten years happening three times this summer, it’s fine. Fine. The chaparral grew only a normal amount during the winter, and is not mostly an explosively combustable species, so that is a nice thing to have.
The air quality is normal, the sea is not rising, and all of the bridges and cities are in safe places.
And yet, my sense of foreboding persists.
Yes. If your house is destroyed by lava you have to come home, home to us, and don’t worry, your home is safe and fine, everything is fine.
Good news! A practically non-existent fraction of sea level rise will be countered by continental uplift due to a massive depletion of the Western Continental Aquifer! http://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/cali…
Just like the Great Lakes region, California’s continental bedrock is rebounding off the mantle!
There’s not enough water on Earth for you? How about Pluto, no one is using their water, why don’t you go to Pluto? You just go right ahead. No, one planet isn’t enough for you, Mr. Wants All The Water. Bon voyage! Pack a lunch and a sweater.
ALL THESE WORLDS
ARE YOURS EXCEPT
EUROPA
STAY OFF MY LAWN
DARN KIDS
WITH YOUR ROCK MUSIC
GETTING HIGH ON WATER
Now calm down, take it easy, just hold your water, ah hahaha MY WORK HERE IS DONE
(detonates smoke bomb, trips and falls over backwards)
ONCE AND FOR ALL http://i.imgur.com/gHcGr.jpg
Not enough vocal fry / Okie “valley” accent for my liking. There are teenage girls who need to be blamed for the drought that is good; it’s fine; look over there, not too closely, with your listening eyes firmly in place; desalination; urine; Kevin Costner; the end; good.
Was this article written by Yoda?