Lindsay King-Miller's previous work for The Toast can be found here. Here at the Final Girl Groves Retirement Home, we provide top-quality live-in care, recreational activities, and social opportunities for Final Girls in their senior years. If you’re a smart, resourceful, pretty-but-not-too-slutty woman who has survived brutal serial killers, zombie attacks, vengeful spirits, and the return of secrets from your own dark past, we believe you deserve to spend your golden years in peace…
Amy Collier's previous work for The Toast can be found here. E.T. doesn't give in to Scientology. The teens of Clueless were alive the whole time. The New Yorkers of Do the Right Thing do not surrender to Mussolini's tyranny. None of the dinosaurs in Jurassic Park get into college. Sophie chooses not to run for office. She's got enough going on. In Waiting to Exhale, Savannah finally exhales and thus cheats death once…
Before the age of auto-tune, music was once about craftsmanship and [the protection of egg stock by primal horror-screaming]. This week we look back to a simpler time, and celebrate The Beatles, that 'fab four' from Liverpool who won generations of fans with their catchy yet [atonal distress signals] and asked the world to give [unconditional surrender to bird law] a chance. The Beatles were a popular Rock n' Roll band formed in the 1960s who…
Previously in this series: If Vin Diesel Were Your Boyfriend If Prince were your boyfriend he’d let you have your friends over for pancake breakfast, just because he knew they saw that Chappelle’s Show sketch and would get a kick out of it. You’d know that his real specialty is egg sandwiches on buttery bagels, and he saves them for you. If Prince were your boyfriend he’d encourage you to buy as many jumpsuits…
The day we read the map was a Wednesday, I remember this because it was Lucy’s birthday and Wednesdays are an impossible day to celebrate one’s entrance into the world. The map was a gift from her grandmother, Penelope, who must’ve been in something of a mood because she was typically about as even-tempered as a hungry mongoose, and not the type to give gifts. We untied, unrolled, and stared for what must’ve been ten…
