Here Is One Good Way To Throw A Party

by Mallory Ortberg · September 22, 2015

There are other ways to throw a good party, too. This is just one example among many. Here are some highlights:

1. There is one man. He is in the corner.

2. People are free to nap, or to watch other people napping, as they see fit.

3. Someone is bringing food around on a tray.

4. Everyone is draped in loose, comfortable clothing.

5. There is a musical instrument that no one is playing.

End of list.

[Image via]

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.


51 Comments

      2. sigaloenta +138

        He showed up, and they told him, “can you just stand watch over this bowl of green plums? it’s really important. no, don’t talk to anyone. just stand there and keep an eye on them. quietly. you know how plums get at parties. yes, just like that. great thanks!”

      4. queenofbithynia +282

        it’s a famous Western artistic tradition, akin to the memento mori: just as the skull on which a proud young woman rests her arm reminds her, and the viewer, that youth fades and death comes to us all, so too the Man at the Feast keeps you from perfect delight: in every life, a Man appears, and when you think you are most safely surrounded by your friends and lovers, sprawled, as it were, across the tiles of life with a woman at each elbow and another woman offering you a tray of canapés, then it is that a Man is most near.

        Listen! Do you hear a low drone like the buzzing of bees, lower than the pitch any woman might speak at? Look! Do you see a shadow cast with rough and fuzzy edges about the face, as it were some hairy growth covered the lower portion of his terrible face? Some Man stands between you and the light of the sun, though you see him not and perceive him not.

        Some scholars have put forth the hypothesis that this tradition reflects a real religious practice of the ancients, although this appears absurd on the face of it: do we really suppose that every party included at least one Man, in reality and in flesh? Is that really a practice that can be imagined, even for a people so ritual-bound as we know our ancestors to have been? What, are we meant to suppose that in olden times there was a class of professional Men at the ready, so that no gathering might be without its solitary Man? Just where do these scholars suppose all these Men came from, and at whose expense were they trained, housed, clothed, and fed?

        You may think what you want about it but I believe that we when we lose the ability to understand a symbol for what it is, we lose a great deal that was once of value. A Man is a mystery.

        4. aquamarinaveen +106

          i have hearing loss in one of my ears, but only for certain frequencies; the frequencies, in fact, that most men’s voices are in. good job, my body.

        7. Unreadaethel +48

          Surely, there is no one who may escape calamity: a man splaineth to the just and the unjust alike, and neither the wisdom of the wise nor the folly of the foolish is sufficient to prevent the tedium to come.

    1. delphinedryden +63

      We really DID learn all we needed to know in kindergarten and then just didn’t frame it sufficiently well to carry it into adulthood. “Nap and snack” is absolutely the best party aesthetic.

    2. drladybusiness +124

      One of the best romantic interludes I’ve ever spent was basically just sex alternating with BBC Earth documentaries and naps. I dream of it often.

    3. paintingthegreyarea +25

      I feel like this question could apply to a lot of things:

      office socials
      lunch breaks
      study sessions
      business meetings
      DMV waiting lines
      visiting relatives
      first dates
      second dates
      all dates
      elevator rides
      job interviews
      spin class

    4. popelizbet +9

      At my thirty-fourth birthday party, the tail end of the evening was some people still enjoying the weather outdoors with beverages and other people,including me, lightly dozing while watching Ghostbusters in the living room. Best party.

    5. Alli525 +10

      I’ve been thinking about how I want to celebrate my 30th birthday next May, and while the day might potentially start with a booze cruise or other water-adjacent drinking activity, now I know it definitely has to end with everyone snacking and napping in a field together. (My apartment is definitely not big enough to hold us all.)

  6. grumblyqueer +56

    The one-man-in the corner setup works pretty well for my book club. Most days he doesn’t even talk, we’ve trained him so well.

  8. KappamakiFawkes +25

    I’m pretty sure that guy was just selling his too-distant-to-identify various fruits at his usual spot and then everyone just decided to have a naps-and-snacks party right in front of his market stall.

  9. MissBadcrumble +80

    There is a musical instrument that no one is playing

    Because there is only one man, busy selling green plums

  10. Either_Ada +109

    I just saw this painting IRL a couple weeks ago at the Clark–it’s in a room full of other paintings of women debauching or just having debauched. Every painting was enormous, and I kinda wanted to pick one and walk right in.

    It was my favorite room in the place, not least because it was curiously free of old farts mansplaining art to their female companions. This, despite being wallpapered with nude and nearly-nude ladies. (The Van Gogh exhibit was also at the Clark and there were so many men talking about Van Gogh’s swirls and heavy outlines as if they were the first human to notice!) I like to think the men sensed they were not welcome to the party.

          1. ballingerjl +2

            “Bit O’Toast” It’s definitely there! I had to scroll for a bit, the list looked like it was alphabetical, but it wasn’t really. Keep looking!

    2. AnnaHowe +3

      Can you join even if you have ME/CFS, can barely creep around, and in fact are using your Fitbit to limit your activity?

  14. goatismycopilot +20

    I did note a serious lack of lounging dogs, this suggests the artist made an error or really did not complete the work.

  15. knittingBAMF +23

    The only thing missing is cushions everywhere. Cushions to lounge on while wearing soft, loose, drapey clothes and being given food and not bothered by men.

    Otherwise, perfect.

  17. popelizbet +12

    Now that I know that this is women forming a protective ring around Maenads, thus making me assume Guy in Corner is Bacchus himself, this may be my new favorite painting and the Women of Amphissa my second favorite girl gang. Yes.