Letters Home From General George McClellan

by Mallory Ortberg · September 29, 2015

August 19, 1861

Dear Nelly,

A busy day here on the river – I woke before Lincoln himself and was in the saddle until about midnight tomorrow – rode over the entire regiment on both sides of the river, was soundly drowned in a torrential rain, and have been busy ever since my return.

Things are improving daily – I personally beheaded Brigadier General E. Kirby Smith before breakfast this morning, and he thanked me politely for doing it, as a gentleman ought – I hope to have another 144 field guns and some 70 rgts of infantry before the week is out.

My chief obstacle at this point is General Scott, who is incompetent as he is traitorous, and often objects to my having barrels of fresh littleneck clams shipped up  from Connecticut every morning, as has long been my custom. At this point, I fear I will have to write to the President and demand absolute control of the Armies of the Potomac, independently of him. It will likely result in lifelong enmity between us, but I have no choice – the people call upon me to save this country, and I cannot save it without my daily clams.

I receive letter after letter, have conversation after conversation, calling upon me to save the nation (alluding to the Presidency, Dictatorship, &c). George Washington himself threw a handwritten note down from Heaven begging me to assume the oath of office. I, of course, have no such aspirations; I long only to sit once more in our humble little garden and read non-presidential poetry to you, my dearest Mary Ellen.

I would sooner set my own head on fire than become the President, as you well know, and have never practiced saying things like “I am the President” or “President George McClellan is no longer in requirement of your service, Ulysses S. Grant (more like Ulysses S. Can’t)” in my full-length battle mirror.

We were going to attack the Confederates yesterday, but I thought I saw a bug, and decided against it. I will write again tomorrow. Please send another case of champagne; I want to take a bath in it.

Sincerely,
yr loving husband,

George (President???? maybe soon 🙂 McClellan

 

March 27, 1862

My dear Nelly,

It may interest you to learn that I am now seventeen feet tall and made primarily of gold. Still have not yet attacked the Confederates across the Rappahannock. More pressing matters attend me now, like making sure Bragg has seen my new mustache.

All my love,
G. McC

P.S. I have decided to become God.

 

September 19, 1863

Dearest Nelly,

Everyone died yesterday, but those in whose judgment I rely tell me that I fought the battle splendidly, that it was a masterpiece of art. Stanton himself wandered into my mess-tent sobbing like a little girl and begging my permission to hang himself out of shame. You should see my soldiers now! Though they are dead, morale is extremely high – you never saw anything like their enthusiasm. I have no doubt that if any of them still had legs, they would throw me a parade the likes of which this country has never seen. Tomorrow I ride to Washington, where I have no doubt that the President himself (knock-kneed skulker and armchair general that he is!) will kiss me on the mouth and inform me that I have single-handedly won the war.

My next move shall be to live forever. I cannot wait to see you again, and retire to a very small little humble sea-shell in the ground.

Ever yours,
HIM

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.


44 Comments

  1. thezlot +70

    AAAAAAH IT’S PERFECT. I’m reading Battle Cry of Freedom and I have done SO MUCH YELLIN’ AT MCCLELLAN (tm ortberg obv) throughout. He has finally been relieved and SO AM I, if you get me. “I thought I saw a bug.” YES.

    1. Ames +63

      “I have decided not to attack Richmond, because despite firm evidence to the contrary, I believe the city to be defended by eleventy billion six-foot tall, laser-breathing rebels. Even if God himself told me that we outgun the rebels 2:1 — and he has! — I would still not attack, for reasons.”

    2. erikagillian +8

      This is exactly my reaction on my first reading of Battle Cry of Freedom.

      I also found you can catch James M. MacPherson on CSPAN at the Lincoln Forum I I think.

    3. artdorkgirl +10

      I read that a few years ago and now I also have STRONG OPINIONS about McClellan! I was never so relieved as when he was relieved. And then his wife tried to rehabilitate his rep! UGH!

    2. LeastBittern +39

      Because he was seventeen feet tall and made primarily of gold; his body was used to finance the construction of the base.

      Unfortunately, other byproducts of Gen. McClellan being the worst are why the base is now a Superfund site.

  4. sueyres +66

    November 14, 1864

    Nelly, to Whom I have Grown Accustomed,

    I am writing this to you from the drawing room, as I cannot bear the sight of you at the present. As you failed in the simple effort of shining the brass buttons on my otherwise resplendent uniform I was unable to overcome the lazy and unkempt Pres. Lincoln et al in the recent election and am thus unable to rightly rule the simple people of this fractured nation. I will look upon you again whence my vexed temperament has abated enough that I may choose to lie with you as God laid with Mary — that is, in the biblical sense.

    To you direct,
    the Living Breath of the Almighty

    P.S. Yes I can most obviously hear and see you. It is not necessary to wave your arms in my presence.

  5. JocastaCarr +20

    Yellin’ About McClellan (through the medium of satirical letters) is back!!!! Truly this is a blessed day.

  6. threatqualitypress +20

    A good thing about that TV show Histeria!, which was a cartoon…”about”…history was when they had General McClellan played by George Costanza.

    1. Ellen w. +21

      Are you also defended from poor Nelly who had to suffer under the name “Mary Ellen McClellan”? It’s a terrible name. (Oh god that’s not your name, right?)

      1. popelizbet +11

        I sympathize dearly with poor Nelly, and no, my parents did not saddle me with that nightmare, thankfully.

  8. lauren +23

    thank you from the bottom of my historian’s heart, Mallory, it does me good to see you bringing others into the Would Really Love To Kick McClellan Repeatedly Club.

    may the power of our collective fury and contempt somehow pass over from this mortal plane and upset his afterlife

  9. m98widow +20

    I know I have brought it up here before, but I HIGHLY recommend “The Coldest Winter” by David Halberstam if anyone wants to read some serious historical shade, particularly about Gen. MacArthur. His mom wrote letters to West Point on his behalf!

    1. Lady_Honoria +13

      It’s tagged ‘history’ so I am assuming these are accurately his actual letters. They all check out, so…

  11. Just_Bob +31

    A little later, I’ll put on a recording of “Ashokan Farewell” and read these letters aloud with an air of quiet resignation and wistful longing.

    1. Unreadaethel +39

      It really is astonishing how “Ashokan Farewell” lends to all accompanying actions an air of quiet resignation and wistful longing. You could be making bread to its strains, and it would be the mournfulest, noble-in-sufferingest bread the world had ever seen.

  12. Sean_Sullivan +47

    May 29, 1861

    Julia my love
    Received coat back from the tailor this afternoon. Still far far too big. Tailor protests the chest cannot be taken in any further; recommends I order a boy’s 32L from the Cadets’ Fancy Catalogue. I will refrain from this course, as I have not surrendered all hope that I can eat my way to a stout and commanding frame. A barrel of littleneck clams arrived at camp today through some error of the post and I will try my luck with them this evening. Love and kisses for you and the children,

    -Ulys.

    1. Sean_Sullivan +48

      May 30, 1861

      Julia my love
      The clam campaign has ended in disaster. Near total rout. I am down by eleven pounds and I fear I will only lose more before day’s end. No choice but to place order for a “Brigadier Junior” dress frock in Prussian blue.

      Have resigned myself. Indignity is my lot. Was a damned fool ever to aspire to a little grace in way of clothes.

      […]

      June 12

      Julia my love
      New coat arrived. Tried it on. Am warming to it. Found that Brady fellow for a photograph.


      Love and kisses,

      -Ulysses S(exy) Grant

  13. Unreadaethel +31

    August 4, 1864

    Nelly, my Most Adequate Spouse,

    This war drags on, and countless lives are lost, because Lincoln refused to heed me after the first shots were fired. “Abe,” I said, “just give me a week. Give me a day. I’ll get those states back.” And I would have. I would have gone to Jefferson Davis, told him how it was gonna be, and we wouldn’t be in this sorry mess. Look, there wouldn’t even be a Confederacy if people had tried my approach. And even if they’d still seceded, I’d build a wall – seriously, a yooge one – all along the Mason-Dixon line. Starve ’em out.

    -The McClellan (but you may call me Clell)

    1. bighairnoheart +11

      Damnit. Now I want to entrap someone in matrimony just so I can call them Most Adequate Spouse.

    3. SarcasticFringehead +41

      At my stepbrother’s high school graduation, the orchestra played that music. It was a weird contrast, given that we were sitting outside on a gorgeous sunny day in Colorado and not even one of the graduates had to have a limb amputated without anesthetic.

  15. bighairnoheart +41

    Oh god.

    Perfection.

    (So this one time, in the Peninsula Campaign class, I played devil’s advocate and swayed everyone into giving Team McClellan good leadership points just for shits and giggles. It was awesome. I have never regretted the look on the military history professor’s face. I have argued for the man and won. I have now proved that I can successfully sway the opinions of a few twenty year old boys on anything.)

    1. Ellen w. +20

      My sister won the war for the confederates in her AP History class by proving it was technically possible for Stonewall to have lived because someone had early Sulfa drugs or something like that. She lives to troll history professors.

  16. ELise +26

    I already thought I hated McClellen but then I discovered that nothing about him has ever made me angrier than his apparent use of a smiley face mouth as the close-paren. Not acceptable, but as a technique to produce annoyance, highly, highly effective.

  19. Mottsnave +12

    This is perfect. I’ve been reading a lot of civil war doctor diaries. They do not like the generals. One of them says “I could make better generals out of clay and straw” and that Lincoln needs to grow a backbone and fire the idiots already.

    Yep. Screw little Mac.