MONK #1: this is honestly a little embarrassing
MONK #2: why what is it
MONK #1: it’s a really basic question about anatomy
as a monk
i haven’t seen a lot of naked people so i’m not really sure
MONK #2: do not be embarrassed even a little
MONK #1: okay well i guess its two questions
one is does…EVERYBODY have faces on their heads?
MONK #2: great question
a great rule of thumb is that the lower the face, the less face you have
so if you have a face in your chest it’s probably just one eye, MAYBE a nose, no lips
MONK #1: okay that makes sense
MONK #2: what’s the other question
MONK #1: ahaha this is so embarrassing
MONK #2: there are NO bad questions
MONK #1: no you’re right you’re definitely right
but what do
what do penises look like, mostly
i mean i know what mine looks like but like…idk if i’m regular
MONK #2: totally normal question
they look like horse tails
MONK #1: ok
MONK #2: just big front horse tails that touch the ground
MONK #1: oh which reminds me
DO horses have tails?
MONK #2: absolutely not
MONK #1: I don’t know much about Alexander the Great
only that he was one of the Nine Worthies
what was he like? what did he love? what brought him pleasure?
MONK #2: so the main thing to remember about him is that he loved scolding fish
MONK #1: like
MONK #2: yes
just loved like
floating down there in his diving bell and doing that wagging finger motion you do when you don’t want someone to keep doing something they’re doing
you know the one i mean?
MONK #1: like when you waggle it back and forth, yeah
MONK #2: well he just loved doing that to fish
it’s like that famous quote
“and Alexander wept, because he didn’t have time to go down to the ocean and disapprove of fish”
MONK #1: oh is that what that quote is about
MONK #2: yeah
MONK #1: i always wondered
MONK #1: i’m kind of amazed he even had time to go scold fish
being a conqueror and all
MONK #2: oh he MADE time
he’d sit there for hours
MONK #1: REALly
MONK #2: oh yeah
he’d take a chicken and a dog down with him
for food and protection
and just stay submerged for days
glaring at pikes
hoo boy did he hate pikes
MONK #1: he was married, right?
MONK #2: oh probably
MONK #1: was it a happy marriage?
MONK #2: no
Alexander hated her
he was always letting dragons kiss her
MONK #1: oh wow
is that a bad sign
MONK #2: hahaha
MONK #1: oh gosh sorry
was that a naive question of me
MONK #2: hahaa kind of
MONK #1: what else do you know about Alexander the Great
MONK #2: well obviously he was mighty in battle
MONK #1: right I figured
you know I’ve never actually even seen a battle
MONK #2: oh they’re terrific
MONK #1: really?
MONK #2: totally
just everyone takes their turn and gets hurled into a ditch one at a time
you earn points for style and accuracy
MONK #1: what did he need his army for
MONK #2: what
MONK #1: well i mean if it was just one guy getting thrown at a time in battle
MONK #2: oh well obviously he needed backup if he was going to
MONK #1: is that a big component of war
MONK #2: uhh yeah haha
it’s kind of the main thing
MONK #1: oh this is unrelated but where do women come from
MONK #2: dragon lake
MONK #1: thank you!!!
MONK #2: anytime
MONK #1: ok just checking
three kinds of faces???
MONK #2: do you want me to tell you
MONK #1: no no let me guess
MONK #2: ok
MONK #1: ok three faces
first kind: regular face like mine
MONK #2: right
MONK #1: second kind
is chest-face, I remember that
MONK #2: do you need a hint for the third kind?
MONK #1: no no don’t help me i can do it
screaming and red???
ahhhh haha ok tell me sorry
MONK #2: the third kind is no face
MONK #1: oh oh oh right
no face, horrifying black smudge?
MONK #2: that’s the one
MONK #1: ahhhh so close
MONK #2: mmm not really that close but ok
Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.