GENERAL: We won again! This is good, but what is best in life?
WARRIOR: The open steppe, a fleet horse, falcons at your wrist, and the wind in your hair.
GENERAL: Wrong! Conan! What is best in life?
CONAN: Crush your enemies. See them driven before you. Hear the lamentations of their women.
GENERAL: That is good! That is good.
GENERAL: We won again! This is good, but what is best in life?
WARRIOR: The open steppe, a fleet horse, falcons at your wrist, and the wind in your hair.
GENERAL: Wrong! Conan! What is best in life?
CONAN: Never getting yelled at, even once! Never getting yelled at, even if it means never speaking to someone again, or stifling your own feelings, as long as it means that getting yelled at literally never happens.
GENERAL: That is good! That is good.
GENERAL: We won again! This is good, but what is best in life?
WARRIOR: The open steppe, a fleet horse, falcons at your wrist, and the wind in your hair.
GENERAL: Wrong! Conan! What is best in life?
CONAN: NEVER HEARING CRITICISM, WHETHER JUSTIFIED OR OTHERWISE, EVEN IF IT KEEPS ME FROM PERSONAL GROWTH. DEEP, ABIDING PERSONAL COMFORT.
GENERAL: That is good! That is good.
GENERAL: We won again! This is good, but what is best in life?
WARRIOR: The open steppe, a fleet horse, falcons at your wrist, and the wind in your hair.
GENERAL: Wrong! Conan! What is best in life?
CONAN: NEVER HAVING TO EXPERIENCE DISCOMFORT REGARDLESS OF THE EFFECT THIS HAS ON THE PEOPLE AROUND ME
GENERAL: That is good! That is good.
GENERAL: We won again! This is good, but what is best in life?
WARRIOR: The open steppe, a fleet horse, falcons at your wrist, and the wind in your hair.
GENERAL: Wrong! Conan! What is best in life?
CONAN: BEING LEFT ALONE UNTIL I NEED SOMETHING. BEING LEFT WHOLLY UNACCOUNTABLE, FINANCIALLY, EMOTIONALLY, AND PHYSICALLY
GENERAL: That is good! That is good.
GENERAL: We won again! This is good, but what is best in life?
WARRIOR: The open steppe, a fleet horse, falcons at your wrist, and the wind in your hair.
GENERAL: Wrong! Conan! What is best in life?
CONAN: NEVER HAVING TO BE CONFRONTED WITH THE COUNTLESS THOUGHTLESS AND UNCONSCIOUS WAYS I HAVE HURT PEOPLE I KNOW
GENERAL: That is good! That is good.
GENERAL: We won again! This is good, but what is best in life?
WARRIOR: The open steppe, a fleet horse, falcons at your wrist, and the wind in your hair.
GENERAL: Wrong! Conan! What is best in life?
CONAN: THERE’S JUST SO MUCH OF EVERYTHING AND I DON’T WANT ANYONE TO EMAIL ME BACK AFTER I’VE EMAILED THEM BACK
GENERAL: That is good! That is good.
GENERAL: We won again! This is good, but what is best in life?
WARRIOR: The open steppe, a fleet horse, falcons at your wrist, and the wind in your hair.
GENERAL: Wrong! Conan! What is best in life?
CONAN: I FEEL A LOT OF PRESSURE TO SOUND SMART WHEN I’M CALLED ON PLEASE LET ME SUBMIT FEEDBACK AFTERWARDS IN WRITTEN FORM
GENERAL: That is good! That is good.
This is good! This is good.
I saw what was maybe a falcon but also maybe a hawk today! That was pretty good. Not as good as never being yelled at, but pretty good.
Having a falcon and never getting yelled at sounds like pretty much a perfect day.
I was almost struck by a bird of prey once. I was just walking across the parking lot, and it swooped past me while pursuing a smaller, frightened bird. Seriously, 6″ away from my arm, WHOOOOOOSH!
The Story of Our First Date, by Mr Lass and Myself includes an unexpected bird of prey in the city park.
Surprise Raptor is an excellent element in any First Date Story.
We got yelled at by an angry mama gyrfalcon whilst mountain biking once. The park ranger said she had dive-bombed cyclists before, so we are lucky she was just angry!
A goose bit my brother once. Which has no bearing on this story; I just enjoy saying it.
Geese are bastards. My old lab once had a “Canada Goose Safety” flyer hung up inside our bathroom stalls, with accident statistics from goose-related incidents.
This was a mama goose during nesting season. She actually chased him down and bit him on the neck. He was 6.
Don’t get me started on magpies.
1. They can recognise individuals by their facial feature
2. Their personal philosophy is ” I don’t like your face, stranger”
3. They hold grudges.
4. They attack from behind.
On the plus side, you rarely need stitches when they attack.
Is it because they kill you? You don’t need stitches bc then you’re dead right? Fucking birds, man.
Holy shit! Your poor brother!
That was 20 years ago, and he still glares and makes Lurch-y grumbling noises before shaking his fist and swearing vengeance. I am in no way exaggerating. If it doesn’t seem like a suitable moment in the conversation to swear vengeance, he just narrows his eyes and attempts to look menacing.
(It’s adorable)
A swan bit my sister once. (It may or may not have been my fault.) Clearly there is some sort of aggressive waterfowl and sibling trend going on.
Wait, I want to know how you induced a swan to attack your sister without being attacked yourself.
So… Previously on Ways In Which I Am The Worst.
When I was a small child there was a spot near the shore where we would go to feed the birds. Mostly ducks, a few swans, seagulls, etc. Tiny me -being the heartless, manipulative, one-upping person that I am/was- decided to tell my younger sister that I had gotten one of the swans to eat food out of my hand and let me pet it because I was pretty much a Disney princess. So she tried to do the same thing. It didn’t end well.
Aaaaaaahahahaha (*is a bad person*)
SAME! I was bitten by a swan when visiting a castle palace-y thing in Germany. It was swimming in the moat. I was on the bank of the moat, trying to get my sister to take a photo of me with a majestic swan floating by when BAM! Fucker bit me right in the calf! I got a huge bruise. I wasn’t even bothering it!
You were existing in the Vicinity of a Swan. That’s the only reason a swan needs.
Every young [person] starting life should know how to cope with an angry swan, so I will briefly relate the proper procedure. You begin by picking up the raincoat which somebody has dropped; and then, judging the distance to a nicety, you simply shove the raincoat over the bird’s head; and, taking the boat-hook which you have prudently brought with you, you insert it under the swan and heave. That was Jeeves’s method, and I cannot see how it could be improved upon.
I also, despite never having attempted it myself, wholeheartedly endorse the opening of an umbrella into the surprised face of an angry swan. I have no idea if this would work, or would simply enrage the beast, but let’s pretend it would work.
Was he carving his initials on the goose? (Sorry. Somebody had to.)
I did not know, until this moment, that I need “Conan the Barbarian: the Mallory Cut” to exist.
I hope you keep this format for all your Dear Prudie Columns.
The really sad thing is, Genghis Khan was secretly hoping that Conan would take the hint and answer, “Backrubs!” Then everybody would have gotten a backrub, and the conversation would naturally turn to a healthy debate on the merits of various massage techniques– Swedish, Chinese, deep tissue, etc.
Instead Conan offered that out-of-the-blue nonsense about killing your enemies, and the general had no choice but to save face by agreeing. The bonding moment passed, irretrievably lost. Later there was some desultory argument among the men about what kinds of falcons felt best on the wrist, but it went nowhere, and the party broke up soon afterward.
Many years later, Genghis Khan would advise his grandson Kublai, “Kid, if you ever build a pleasure-dome, don’t invite Conan; he’s a buzzkill.”
Genghis thought he was getting Conan O’Brian; imagine his disappointment when he got some musclebound clod instead of Coco.
I can’t help thinking that the problem is that the general and Cohen had never taken off their helmets while riding a fleet horse on the open steppe with a falcon on the wrist, because all that plus wind in your hair sounds pretty fuckin’ amazing to me. I feel about helmets the way Ann on Parks and Rec feels about jogging: Sure, they’re healthy, but at what cost. (I always wear mine. I just resent it.)
I know that you probably meant to write “Conan” but you mentioning “Cohen” is making me think of a version of all of these conversations taking place in Discworld with Genghis Cohen.
“hot water, good dentishtry, and shoft lavatory paper”
You are correct on all counts, and thank you for that image, which I need today.
BEING LEFT ALONE UNTIL I NEED SOMETHING.
Oh hello, all of my anxieties.
Too close to home this morning (why is IT sending me mean emails that don’t answer the questions I asked? why was the scary instructor in here looking for a test we don’t have/may have lost? why is my tire light on? I WANT TO CRAWL UNDER MY DESK. which is a Conan approved way of dealing, I gather)
“Why is IT sending me mean emails that don’t answer the questions I asked?”
Seriously, why the fuck do they do this?
Are you me? Because this was basically my day.
I FEEL A LOT OF PRESSURE TO SOUND SMART WHEN I’M CALLED ON PLEASE LET ME SUBMIT FEEDBACK AFTERWARDS IN WRITTEN FORM
That is good, that is good! Mallory nails it again.
I always thought the correct answer to the question was “raw cake batter,” but these are better.
“THERE’S JUST SO MUCH OF EVERYTHING AND I DON’T WANT ANYONE TO EMAIL ME BACK AFTER I’VE EMAILED THEM BACK”
If it offers this cathartic place yell all my anxieties in their most bare form, bring back the warlords.
I would respond to so many more emails if it wasn’t the case that responding to emails only encourages people to write you AGAIN
I love that brief moment after I reply to an email, but before they’ve emailed me back. I’ve discharged my responsibilities, the next step is no longer my problem, and it isn’t my fault if the entire interaction just stops.
And then people email me back, and I have to hate them for a moment.
GENERAL: Wrong! Conan! What is best in life?
CONAN: ::horrible bird-like screeching:: CAWRRWAAAAAARRAAAAW ::flaps arms wildly in the air::
GENERAL: …
GENERAL: Wrong! Conan! What is best in life?
CONAN: What do you want from life?
An Indian guru
To show you the inner light?
What do you want from life?
A meaningless love affair
With a girl that you met tonight?
How can you tell when you’re doin’ alright?
Does your bank account swell
While you’re dreaming at night?
GENERAL: (as an aside to WARRIOR) How long is he going to go on like this?
WARRIOR: Hope your seat is comfy, sir.
CONAN: …or a baby’s arm holding an apple?
I feel like crying is maybe not the response Mallory was looking for in this piece.
I have OCD, and one of my fixations is on being ‘good’, good work, good job, good girl; on no-one ever yelling at me ever again because I got everything completely right and everyone likes me and no-one disagrees with me and I require no criticism and I should probably check that email again and maybe again and maybe again, and then it will be OK.
Thank you, Mallory.
GENERAL: We lost again! That is not good. But what is best in life?
WARRIOR: Crush your enemies. See them driven before you. Hear the lamentations of their women.
GENERAL: Wrong! Conan, what is best in life?
CONAN: A world that allows us to fail without catastrophe.
GENERAL: That is good! That is good.
I never thought I’d relate to someone with so many muscles so much.
I had a period there where I was so miserable and wracked with general failure and health woes that I became phobic of answering emails. I still get a minor stress response when I hear the sound of knocking, as on a door. bleh.
I am phobic of the mailbox. Literally. My roommate gets and sorts the mail.
This, times a trillionty. I have that when my phone rings for a call or a text.
I mean, you can literally DIE from being yelled at.
It has happened to me several times. Criticism can also be extremely fatal. Not just a little fatal, either. Like, a lot fatal.
Get out of my brain, Mallory. Or be my best friend. YOU MUST CHOOSE.
Sobbing in the back room at work right now.
Thanks, Mallory.
/too busy emotionally curling up into a ball to respond in any coherent fashion
/deep breath deep breath deep breath deep breath
GENERAL: Wrong! Ayn! What is best in life?
AYN RAND: Trains, rape and believing no one else contributes to your success.
GENERAL: What is best in life?
CONAN: Cancelling on a social engagement at the last minute via text but no one being mad at you for doing it.
i can def empathize, hearing knocks on my door is one of my least favourite Actually Pretty Normal things. somehow it feels almost.. violent? it's like, surprise, suddenly someone wanted your attention and just slammed on your walls to get it. then again my doorbell is absurdly loud for some reason and scares the crap out of me the regular old non-anxious way
ideally all potential visitors to my home should send prior notice through a friendly, note-carrying dog that can wander freely into my home through a pet door + be rewarded with treats and pets. then i just walk outside at the right time to meet people coming over and noone has to hammer on anything. oh my god. it's the perfect solution and it' s been there ALL ALONG,
Conan the Introvert