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Home: The Toast

I have one opinion to give you in this life, and it is this: those flimsy little paper toilet seat covers in public bathrooms are for fools and cowards and you are wasting my time and yours if you use them.

Every time I walk into a public restroom and hear the telltale crinkle of someone pulling a paper cover out of the dispenser, I want to yell, “Do you think you’re better than me? Because you are not better than me.” You aren’t, you know. I didn’t go to a very good school, but you’re still not better than me.

That micron-thick layer of tissue paper is doing nothing to protect your backside from toilet seat germs, and if you think it does, then my friend, you are living in a fantasy world. It is the width of gossamer and the slightest hint of moisture wilts it like a dying lotus petal. This cannot stand between you and the forces of darkness. Who are you trying to kid?

And half the time, you just leave that sad little toilet shroud on the seat, so I have to kick it into the bowl before I can sit down and use it myself, which feels degrading to me personally. Thank you for your time.

Please feel free to continue using a paper towel to open the bathroom door, though. I don’t think it does anything, but it doesn’t bother me, and if it makes you feel better, go gangbusters.

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