Hello, fellow internet enjoyers! Have you ever found yourself in a situation where you have a REALLY STRONG AND IMPORTANT opinion regarding something that doesn’t concern you in the slightest? No expertise to weigh in with? Would your opinion be unwelcome and offensive just by merit of you chiming in, regardless of substance? Yeah, me too. Constantly.
Luckily, with my PATENT-PENDING system, I have mastered the art of OPINION DEFUSEMENT. Come with me on this journey.
METHOD ONE: Shh
Okay, look around. Are you at home? In public? Alone? Surrounded? It literally doesn’t matter. Put your phone down or close your laptop. Ever feel smug publicly? Feels nice, huh. Feeling smug quietly is the real hi-test shit, my friend. You’ll thank me.
You know how to shut up, don’t you? You just put your lips together and not blow.
METHOD TWO: Put it somewhere
Write it down. It’ll feel nice. Feed it to a dog. I don’t care. Scream it into a pillow or whisper it into the oncoming wind.
Look your cat right in her stupid, fat face and tell her what’s going on in your mind. It’s her problem now.
METHOD THREE: Delete your account, life
Leave modern life behind and enter the exciting, fast-paced world of radical self-reliance! The only “tweeting” you have to worry about here is coming from actual bird! Haha, get it! Watch out for the birds though, they know how to go right for the eyes.
Tags: on not mattering, opinions, shhhh
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It took me so long to learn these! And my stress levels are much improved now. My new policy re arguing on the internet, which sometimes I still backslide into doing even though I know it’s fruitless, is that if I disagree, I can respond ONCE. Just in case it was a misunderstanding and I hadn’t been clear to start with. And then, I have to forever hold my peace and never, never, never return to that thread.
In a funny way, this policy has also helped me have fewer pointless arguments with my loved ones. They can have the last word… sometimes. Even if it hurts.
I am gradually learning this with my conservative boyfriend. Sometimes I gotta just not attend that fight.
Took me too long to learn that the dudes who will say “I guess I must be right if you’ve given up responding to me!” are the kind of people who are inherently wrong, I mean generally and deep down in their souls. No matter how long you stick around to fight back they will keep repeating the same arguments and non-arguments and keep ignoring every word you say. Their only goal is to prove themselves superior and their only strategy towards that goal is to simply outlast you. It’s amazing how many people there are like this, and it’s amazing how easily they can get under your skin.
Yes, I have really had to internalize and learn how to express that “I’m leaving this conversation” does not mean “I concede that you are right”.
Also, you might be pleased to know that studies have gone and shown the obvious: these combative men who try to ‘win’ disagreements by harassing and haranguing are quite literally loosers. http://www.buzzfeed.com/alexlee/not-all-men-just-… (bonus points to Alex Lee there for a great URL, unless it’s editors who pick the URL? I have no clue how publishing 2.0 works)
I mostly argue with people online as a way to procrastinate at work, so in that sense it’s kind of a “win”. It’s probably not so great for my blood pressure, though…
(I do try to stick to moderated sites like the NYT, where most commenters can string a coherent English sentence together and generally don’t go in for personal attacks).
I got to say that no, I can’t recall ANY situation in which my opinion was not valued.
Weird, but there it is. Can’t argue with facts.
Are you my boss? You must be my boss.
You are my favorite white-man commenter 4ever.
braak has been around the same internet circles I’ve been in for a pretty long time now, and I would have to agree.
aw thanks guys; it means a lot to me that people notice how great I am
I think both of you do pretty well, and have for a VERY long time.
“I’m a white male, aged 18-49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are!”
Once I was talking to a white male friend about debate and he was explaining how important it was to know the facts when you’re asked for your opinion. When he paused for breath I asked him why he thought everyone else got asked their opinion on things, that no one ever asked for my opinion on anything. (Including him.) He had never thought of that. I was not surprised.
“no, I can’t recall ANY situation in which my opinion was not valued. “
IIRC, you’re a dude, right? (And also white?)
I … obviously (if you could see me) can’t say for certain, but I’ve heard a whole lot of rumors that that particular combination really, really tends to help …
Well, I can’t say that I’ve noticed it making much of a difference, but then I don’t really see color. Or gender. I am both colorblind and genderblind, most people just look like a bunch of trees to me.
So, I don’t know, maybe that’s got something to do with it.
All the time. Not only that, many times when my opinion would cause a fight. When I was young I would share my opinions, but now I swallow them unless I am with someone who realizes that I want to philosophize everything to death.
Want ot hear my opinion about Caitlyn Jenner? You can’t! Bwahahahahaha
You know what makes people more mad than giving your opinion on Caitlyn Jenner? Saying you have no opinion on Caitlyn Jenner. People take that shit personally for some reason.
The only problem with this article is that most of the times I will want to use it will be times when my opinion is also completely unnecessary. Damn.
Oh no, I’m sure he’s talking to other people.
Not kidding I hope my neighbor can’t hear me when I tell the cats all of my thoughts on the days issues that no one else really needs to here.
it is kind of refreshing to see how little my kitties care about what some jerk said on Twitter. They’re just like, “pets? we can has pets?”
And “Mom. Mom. Mom I need some tuna juice right meow Mom.”
LOVE this!!
I feel you all needed to know that.
Mr Lubchansky: you have now been officially validated. You must be very proud.
The problem is, when David Brooks decides to “put it somewhere” IT GETS PUBLISHED IN THE NEW YORK TIMES.
I know. If only there was a way to send this to Tom Friedman’s cab drivers.
Visualising a crack team of cab drivers highly trained in the art of interpreting microexpressions. “Does he look like he’s going to put it somewhere? TAKING THE SCENIC ROUTE THROUGH POUGHKEEPSIE TODAY, MR. FRIEDMAN!”
Someone here (and it kills me that I don’t remember who, but it was a commenter) once derided Jonathan Franzen like so:
“It’s kinda like, you know how sometimes you have some insight or idea about politics and society that flies into your head and you mention it to your friends at the bar, but it turns out to be totally misguided and you’re like ‘oh yeah you’re all right, that was a silly non-insight’? This is what happens when instead of telling it to your friends at the bar you automatically get to publish a lengthy think piece in the New Yorker every time you have a thought.”
and it’s both the best takedown I’ve ever heard of him and the best preemptive destruction of Freidman/Brooks et al. imaginable.
I am really, really, really enjoying your work, Matt.
METHOD FOUR: Use your imagination!
Instead of saying/typing/whatevering your dumb, unsolicited opinion, go find a comfy spot and imagine what could have happened if you had said/typed/whatevered it instead. Wow! Look at how much everyone in your imagination respects and appreciates your dumb, unsolicited opinion! Isn’t this great? It is so much more satisfying than the response you would have gotten in real life,* and everyone else won’t have to deal with you annoying the crap out of them. Win!
*People pointing out you have no idea what you are talking about and are also an asshole.
My opinion doesn’t matter matter matter matter matter
No, it really doesn’t matter.
No, it really doesn’t matter.
No, it really doesn’t matter matter matter matter matter!
This particularly vapid, unintelligible chatter
Isn’t generally read, and if it is it doesn’t matter,
matter, matter, matter, matter, matter,
matter, matter, matter, matter, matter!
My opinions are so great you will have to pay if you want to hear them.
Actually, it’s really irresponsible to burden your cat with these kinds of things. They are very sensitive creatures, and that is why they’re not on Twitter already.
If you tell it to the ducks at the park, though, they’ll shrug it off and quack in that way that sounds like someone laughing heartily at a joke. This may be the better option.
Uuuh, maybe YOUR cats aren’t on Twitter! https://twitter.com/shitmycatstype
ttttttiuuuuuuuu99999999999999999999999999rrffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffd2
My dog is on Twitter tho.
I spent my breakfast reading a thread over on Babycenter’s DWIL about a poor woman whose in-laws sent her $100 and a 4-page letter demanding she change her baby’s name to one of their 3 choices, so between that and this post, my day is coming together thematically.
oh my god
Among other crazy things, $100 is just an insulting amount.
No kidding, it wouldn’t even pay for a name change IF this were somehow a normal thing to do.
I know! Even Malory Archer offered Lana $10,000.
If everyone on the internet who wanted me to agree with them sent me $100 to do so, I’d probably at least pretend I agreed, tbh. To the in-laws, I’d be like, “thanks for the lovely hundred bucks; feel free to call the baby whichever name you’d like regardless of his/her actual legal name.”
Link. Link please. That’s gloriously horrible.
http://community.babycenter.com/post/a58095658/in…
oh my godddddd
Yes!! +1 to the person who suggested sending back $100.02.
I love DWIL when someone has just done something beyond the pale and everyone can let loose with their snarkiest responses.
Totally! It can especially be a relief after a long patch of using Method One (shhhh) when a friend of a friend spouts off on facebook: it may not be tactful to jump in there, but I sure can say HELLLLLL NOOOOOOO when someone offers someone else $100 to change their child’s name.
Alternatively, send them a check for $99.98 and see if they get the message.
That is magical.
She should change the baby’s name. And her own, and her husband’s. Then go into hiding.
“Dear in-laws: Butt out right now if you ever want to visit your new grandchild again. No love.”
I became so much more relaxed after I overcame my high-school-debate-geek impulses and realized that I don’t need to have an opinion on everything (much less express my opinion on everything). But not only that, I feel like I learn more now that I’m willing to admit “I’m not in any position to have an opinion on that.”
In high school I debated a lot of issues regarding global politics, and I thought I knew damn well what needed to be done around the world. I was a precocious teenager who read the Economist and Foreign Affairs, of course I was always right. I remember arguing, with great certainty, that Hosni Mubarak was a friend of the United States and he really wasn’t so bad and we ought to support his regime in order to stabilize the middle east. Years later I was staying up late to watch everything unfold in Tahrir Square and I thought to myself “Holy shit, I had no fucking clue what I was talking about. How could I? How can I ever?” I know that it’s just a high school extracurricular, but something feels wrong about the fact that I was trained to think that I knew what was best for the entire population of a distant nation.
Sometimes an issue in the news will come up when I’m talking with friends– what do you think about the Greek situation? Or some other event that doesn’t involve me at all? And I’ll just say I don’t know, man. I really don’t. As soon as I start arguing a position, even if it’s just as “devil’s advocate,” it starts to crystallize in my brain as something that’s true, something I’m knowledgeable on. And I think it’s more valuable to keep a firm grasp on how much I don’t know.
oh man, I feel this. Reaching that point where I could be like “oh actually, I have no idea what I think about [x]” was so FREEING.
I think going to law school probably exacerbated this tendency in me, sadly.
I’m a recovering grad student; it’s remarkably freeing to realize that it’s completely fine for me to sometimes not have an opinion. Like, I can just have no answers, and that’s completely okay. Weight off my shoulders, let me tell you.
Can I forward this to Taylor Swift?
No see it’s cool to have an opinion on things that are a direct attack on you personally.
Oh man, that whole thing was just great (for certain values of great, ie “headdeskingly embarrassing”). The best part was when Nicki Minaj was just like “I wasn’t talking to you and I love you, but never never try to talk about this” (wildly paraphrased b/c I can’t be bothered to look it up). And then Taylor said Nicki could come onstage if she won, like that makes it all ok…which…just…*headdesk*
Like…it’s not about you. I do, usually, like Taylor Swift, but she is a caricature of a feminist.
Well, she’s friends with Lena Dunham, one of the quintessential white feminists of our time, sooo…
Dismissive phrase, but you’re forgetting that MATTER is ENERGY. Therefore, if I state my opinion with enough energy, it will matter.
Wow, this is perfect on all levels. You’re absolutely right and I will begin stating my opinions via sledgehammer immediately.
This is like a perfect Bird’s Rights Activist tweet but with good spelling and now I suspect you are the hidden genius behind that amazing account.
I find it … a little terrifying that somebody is going to read that. And then take it seriously.
Okay, but surely none of this applies to me as my opinions are always important and wanted.
How can the world FINALLY start to function CORRECTLY if we aren’t there to steer it that way with our opinions?
No, but see… it’s OTHER people’s opinions that don’t matter. Glad I could clear that up for you.
https://youtu.be/I4SOnBDe7qs – singing the last minute of Platinum Blonde’s “It Doesn’t Really Matter” really helps me. By the time you get to the last scream the urge had usually passed.
I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone on the open thread a few weeks ago for listening when my Correct Opinion about Jurassic World could not be contained. You stood in front of that opinion and saved my real life friends and colleagues from the full force of its detonation, and for that, you are all heroes.
I quit twitter because of this very issue. Voicing my opinion led me into conflicts that were pointless, and I sometimes found myself showing an ugly side of myself. I’m happier without it. Although I do miss 1N’s Ina live-tweets.
I prefer to whisper them into the rushes by the river.
I think you mean “defusement,” not “diffusement.” “Diffusement” would be distributing your opinions to an even wider audience.
WELP
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-VY-h_y-ggc
A variation on Method 2 is: find your best friend who you know will probably agree with you and be discreet, get drunk, and tell them. Seriously, Jennifer’s Into *Jason*, What the Hell? is a perfectly valid Three Mimosa Brunch opinion, but doesn’t go great with either social media or Jennifer herself, outside of certain ideally-rare contexts.
Similar Brunch Opinions:
Well, If They Were *My* Kids, I’d Take Steps…
Again With the Christmas Sweaters, Aunt Nettie?
I Don’t Know How You Grow Up Without The Ability to Operate a Dishwasher, But Here We Are
Uch, Can He *Not*?
Creed is Not Date Music, I am Just Saying
This is how I deal with Thanksgiving with my mother’s crazy family. I smile and nod the whole time and then my mom and I go out and have nice long vent where we say things like “I don’t know, I just think 40 is too old to be living off your mother” and “seriously, what was Aunt G talking about?” and then we laugh and let it go.
ETA: Creed is definitely not date music!
Both my sister and my brother are so prone to doing things that I know, I absolutely know from miserable personal experience are a huge mistake. Because I’m 3 and 6 years older than them, respectively. And I just have to shut my stupid mouth because there are some mistakes you HAVE to make on your own.
This is why my aunt drinks so much during the holidays, I think.
I had step children. We learned to love each other. I bit my tongue until it bled or we never would have got past tolerating each other. More than enough unasked for advice on the planet, but drinking surely helps keep it in check 🙂
This is how I deal with Thanksgiving with my mother's crazy family. I smile and nod the whole time and then my mom and I go out and have nice long vent where we say things like "I don't know, I just think 40 is too old to be living off your mother" and "seriously, what was Aunt G talking about?" and then we laugh and let it go.
ETA: Creed is definitely not date music!
I am currently listening to a BtVS podcast/participating in a forum where I have the sneaking suspicion that I am the only person there who does not count Whedon as their lord and savior, and I'm worried at how much I will not be able to keep a lid on it. Like, I know it's wrong, but I love what these podcasts/this website do generally, and I want to continue listening! But my level of emotional investment in BtVS and my general disdain for anyone's thoughts about how Whedon can literally do no wrong make it likely that I will just have to back off of this one.
WELP
Update: yeah, I will definitely have to back off. I'm dealing with like a tier 3-level mansplainer who just spent 6 paragraphs trying to explain things to me that I did not ask about and that in no way address the substance of my actual (much briefer) comment. Man do I LOVE being lectured by randos on the internet who assume that no one around them has any basic knowledge whatsoever.
I type an opinion about this post wearing thick gloves of irony.
You wouldn’t believe how much shit I tell my dog. She’s gonna get pissed at me, and write a book one day.