In no particular order:
- My God
- This woman is the goddess Diana reborn in human form; I would sell all that I own in order to serve as her silent handmaiden
- I would pay 40,000 dollars American to walk three steps behind her with my head respectfully bowed for a single day
- SERENA
- SEREEENNNAAAAAAAAAA
- Where is the gay equivalent of Serena Williams; I would crawl up a waterfall on my raw and bleeding knuckles to find her
- Serena
- Gahhhhhhhhhhhhhh
- more like Sports Illustrated’s Sportsperson of my HEART
- how
- Greatest of all time. GREATEST OF ALL TIME. Time itself is subject to your will.
- Brienne of Tarth levels of chaste devotion
- you look so good in sweaters that it hurts my teeth
It causes me great pain that Serena Williams is heterosexual, but I respect her as a created being who loves men, and if I cannot win her myself, I am glad that she has found happiness with Drake, who seems like a genuinely lovely person- Greatest ever. Greatest ever. Greatest ever.
- I have grown a half-inch in height over the last year simply because of the purity of my love for her
- I hope Drake is good to her
- ALEXIS OHANIAN?
- Drake I could understand, but Alexis Ohani – No. No. This is wrong. Who am I to question what Serena wants? If she sees worth in the cofounder of Reddit, then he is worthy. That is all I know, and all I ever need know. It is enough. Enough, now.
- I wish to weave a garland out of laurel branches and admiration and place it at your feet
- If we were girlfriends I would make her pasta every day, all kinds, I would even buy a pasta maker and make the shapes by hand and she would say “You don’t have to go to all this trouble” and I’d say “it’s no trouble” and she’d say “I have a chef, you know” and I’d say “I want to be the one who feeds you” and she’d say “God, that’s cheesy” and then I’d say “No, this is cheesy,” pointing at the pasta I just made her, and then she would laugh despite herself and I’d fall asleep smiling
- I want to buy a star and name it after you, like a bad boyfriend on a TV show, i think?
- YOU ARE CONSTRUCTED OF CHEEKBONES AND BEAUTY AND UNVARNISHED GOODNESS AND YOUR BROW IS A SYMPHONY I THINK ALSO
- That scene from Love Actually where Rick tells Keira Knightley that he loves her with posters except we’ve never met and she’s not married but the same feeling, of I have to tell you that I love you but I understand that you can’t love me back and you don’t owe me anything and I’m sorry if this is a bad time and I’ll go now, but also if you ever need anything, I will be by your side with the swiftness of a thousand horses with no expectations, I just want to help and I’ll go away afterwards
- Why would Serena Williams want to be with you even if she were gay, she’s a gorgeous businesswoman and one of the most astonishing athletes of all time and your dishwasher smells weird all the time no matter how many times you run it
- How the moon feels about the sun, I think; I need you but you don’t need me but it is enough merely to need you
I’m so happy I’m not the only one whose dishwasher does that
(also Serena Williams is a goddess and we should be so grateful that she walks our earth)
Same to both of those statements.
But we all know you have to clean dishwashers (and clothes washers!), right? …right?
Only because I learned this about a year ago and it has made SO MUCH DIFFERENCE in my life.
WHAT
WHAT
HOW?
OK, a lot of this advice seems crazy so I would just boil it down to run a cycle with a bunch of vinegar. http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/how-to-clean-your…
For your washing machine you can do the same thing or if you have a HE washer you can buy tablets to throw in there for a cycle as well.
You can also buy dishwasher cleaner that has citric acid (I think) in it and run a cycle with that. Useful if you live somewhere with really hard water.
You can also use a packet or two of lemon Kool-Aid powder, especially if you have hard water. It is amazing.
Jolie is probably weeping right now.
vinegar works so well!
you can also use vinegar and baking soda to get the smell out of your towels (i’m not accusing you you of having smelly towels, but chances are good that most of our towels are little smelly at least) – you do one load in super hot water with a cup of vinegar, then run the load a second time with super hot water and 1/2 a cup of baking soda, then dry like normal.
vinegar and baking soda also work way better than draino to unclog drains – stuff a bunch of baking soda in your drain, slowly pour vinegar over it (delight as it makes a 3rd grade science experiment in your tub or sink), let it sit for 10 minutes, run super hot water down the drain, repeat until it’s unclogged – once or twice is usually enough unless it’s a really tough job.
We have hard water (lot’s of lime/calcium, some iron) and I just use white vinegar as fabric softener. Keeps towels & etc from coming out stiff, does not mess with most high performance fabrics, knocks out BO and other smells, your wash doesn’t smell like vinegar when it comes out. Only about 1/3c needed for a large HE washer.
Doesn’t do anything for static, but aluminum foil dryer balls take care of that.
I do the vinegar thing, too! Actually I use vinegar as a cleaner a lot, to the point where I barely notice the smell anymore, sorry dear guests unfortunate enough to stop by.
There is an entire world of dishwasher cleaners out there. I have used the washing machine version of these and they worked very well for a slightly funky washing machine: http://amzn.to/1Ou5lWx
Aside from running the cycle with vinegar, you could also check if there’s junk trapped in the filtery thingy.
http://dishwashers.reviewed.com/features/why-you-…
I knew about clothes washers, and sometimes I’ll run an empty cycle on the dishwasher to “clean” it (doesn’t work), but it never occurred to me I could actually clean the dishwasher. MY WHOLE WORLD IS DIFFERENT NOW.
As a result of this post, I just realized I can get rid of all the built up food inside my sad dishwasher by vacuuming it out. Wow. Cleaning the dishwasher is a real thing! I’m so excited, now I don’t have to move out of my apartment just to get a clean dishwasher!
I DID NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT THAT AS AN OPTION I HAVE CHANGED MY PLANS FOR THE EVENING.
My feelings are just awe at her determination and grit on the tennis court. Like seriously!
“Bone bruises in both knees, the residue of 20 years of pounding, flared during the spring hardcourt swing and never subsided.” How do you play tennis’s crushing schedule feeling like that???
And then, ““If I’d had a 101º fever, I’d default,” says Chris Evert, winner of 18 majors. “But she’s just different from everybody else.” What! She had a fever of 101 at the French Open, on clay, not her best surface! And played a three set match! At 34! How?? She is amazing.
Quotes from this piece http://www.si.com/sportsperson/2015/12/14/serena-… which also gets at why her decision to go back to Indian Wells was so important. I would have supported her never returning, but she went back with a purpose.
Also, this “She revisited the continent often and financed the construction of two rural high schools in Kenya, a country where many girls drop out and marry by 14. Williams insisted that enrollment be at least 40% female. For now her schools serve 442 students, 54% of them girls.” She’s amazing.
that pasta scene is perfection.
NO THIS IS CHEESY.
this is it, the key to my heart.
#relationshipgoals
Oh this is everything. Queen Serena, I am willing to do anything you ask.
>Greatest of all time. GREATEST OF ALL TIME. Time itself is subject to your will.
Serena Williams: Timelord would explain a few things.
If this is really the only thing stopping you from being worthy of Serena…..It’s fixable.
THANK YOU FOR THIS
“you look so good in sweaters that it hurts my teeth” is going to be my mantra forever and ever and ever as I pace the tortuous chambers of my soul. Agghhhh
This is better than John Donne:
“How the moon feels about the sun, I think; I need you but you don’t need me but it is enough merely to need you”
Right? I melted at that. So true. So very, very true.
Yeah, um, saving that one for later. Mallory, how do you create such horrors and yet also such wonders?
So beautiful. I clutched my heart when I read it. I think it also describes my current relationship, where alas I am the sun and feel guilty for that.
the ghost of auden.
here I go again, focusing on the wrong things
have you run your dishwasher empty but with vinegar in the bottom? any time appliances smell weird if you run them with vinegar then it helps clear out gunk and any weird smells. it smells awful itself during the process but its worth it I think….
anyway yeah, Serena is great
when mine smells it’s because something, usually a leaf, has gotten stuck in the drain, near the back, where i can’t see it : (
yep I like how this is all I could think about too
all hail Serena Williams, though! she does seem like a neat lady
…Except for her comments in ‘Rolling Stone’ about the Steubenville rape/judicial disgustingness. I have never been quite able to get fully back on board with her since then. Which sucks, because everything else about her seems awesome, but that was a HUGE misstep, and so public, and so personal to so many people for so many reasons.
i can totally understand being wary and not being able to get past it – but i did really appreciate her second apology and she seems to have continued a private dialog with the victim. http://thinkprogress.org/sports/2013/06/25/220927…
I think I’d feel better about her apology if her first response hadn’t been to claim that she had been misquoted/taken out of context. I agree that her second apology and her contact with the victim and her family was a much better step, but if she felt that way all along then why did she… well, why did she say any of that to begin with, but definitely why did she not use that apology the first time around? Disappointing.
i think sometimes our 24 hour news/social media cycle can sometimes have people responding too quickly and rashly. i think serena has shown herself as someone who can be fiery in the moment and more well considered when she has time to think things through. i don’t think she should have made the first statement – even though she felt (rightly imo) thrown under the bus by rolling stone – but i’m glad she stepped back and repaired the harm to the best of her ability.
again, i totally understand if you’re just done with her. i’ve reached that point with celebrities i once admired. i just personally feel she ended up in the right place even if she fumbled a bit getting there.
You know, if she blamed me for my rape, I’d have no interest whatsoever in her reaching out to me. Whatever her celebrity status. She has no right to say the things she did, then use “reaching out” to that poor girl to fix her PR problem. She said in the moment what she meant. You know what the right apology there is? “I didn’t realize how I thought of rape until confronted with this situation. I have a lot to learn. I am deeply grieved my attitude and unthinking remarks compounded the pain of anyone who has ever been assaulted. It is never the fault of the victim.”
THAT’s a damn apology for having said, “well, why did she go and get raped? Those poor rapists.”
I do understand that she is a hero to many for many other, and very worthwhile, things. I would never criticize someone else for feeling that the power of the good she does outweighs the damage she did here. For me, it doesn’t. I went through this with the whole Chrissy Hynde thing recently as well, and, it was bitterly disappointing and frustrating. It’s not easy for anyone, but i sincerely wish it stopped being about making to maximum number of people happy and started being about genuine sentiment, including, “I said what I thought, someone needs to help me out with why that’s a problem. I’m listening and willing to learn.”
i respect that’s how you feel about it. the victim and the family in this case seem to disagree from everything i’ve read.
and man do i ever agree with the chrissie hynde thing. as a survivor i try to extend empathy to other survivors who have turned the pain of their own assaults into blaming themselves so hard that they start blaming others for supposed faults they see in themselves. but i also get angry because of the platform that women like her have and i know what it’s like to be a younger woman trying to come to terms with my abuse and hearing women i respect react like that. her and serena and the other women who take this road have done a lot of harm, and it doesn’t much matter all the time why they’re doing it. but i still try to consider it because i can see where it can come from a place of great pain.
What’s important is how the victim felt. I think that’s where you are coming from, and I am with you. I suppose my reservation here is that I don’t know, given the entirety of the situation, that the public would ever be given a real read on how she feels or felt, nor are we entitled to that. I am imagining, and speaking from my own experience, that it takes years and a lot of distance to figure out how you feel about an assault or anything connected to it or even your life in that moment. I still hold Serena, a grown woman, responsible for saying things that are potentially harmful not only to that sixteen year old girl, but to every victim of sexual abuse and assault. I haven’t gotten past it and I don’t know that, barring her having a vocal and public breakthrough that supports women unequivocally in this regard, I ever will.
Chrissie Hynde was a real blow to my heart. And *any* victim gets to come to grips with their own assault in their own way, so, I really tried to leave space for that in considering why it felt like such a huge disappointment when she made those jaw-dropping comments. There’s no one right way to heal and she is entitled to do her thing. But there’s a right way to not judge everyone else who’s endured abuse and assault. There’s also a right way not to excuse anyone ever who decides to violate someone else. I even remember some discussions from that time that had real merit (I want to say over at Pajiba?), about separating the idea that rape is never permissible from also being mindful of potentially dangerous choices, etc. It’s just too slippery a slope, and once we start down that way, the first thing that gets lost is that rape is never the fault of the victim, and the onus is on the rapist to, you know, not rape.
I am now totally veering away from where we were. Sorry!! I get a little intense about this. You possibly noticed. Ahem. Where were we??
It’s difficult to reconcile someone you admire and respect or who has objectively done admirable, difficult, respectable things thinking or feeling things that put them on the other side of the fence from you on issues you consider critical. It is probably a good thing to be able to do so, if only to maintain meaningful dialogue that benefits everyone.
I was so incensed by being reminded of her behavior, I had to comment separately, but I am so glad you mentioned this. I am still incoherently angry with her about this.
She is a goddess. An archetype. Human perfection.
As a power couple, Serena Williams and Mallory Ortberg would generate more power than a thousand suns. A perfect combination of swole and snark.
This list of feelings is basically how I feel about Mallory Ortberg.
same
100% exactly what I wrote below; and of course there are others who feel the same. :3
This is the stuff protective orders are borne from . . .
Oh boy, I’m sure you didn’t mean it this way, but this just gets to the HEART of all my young queer anxieties that having an intense crush on a woman as a woman was somehow creepy and gross and wrong and bothersome in a way that straight crushes weren’t.
“I want to make you pasta and think you’re as beautiful as the sun” = “Gross, you’re weird and GAY, get away from me”
I don’t know if this helps but I’m (mostly) straight and I’d consider even a small crush from you to be highly complimentary.
…and now I’m wondering if that was a creepy thing to say
IT WAS VERY NICE THANK YOU
Could you have a crush for five minutes on a middle-aged straight lady who can wiggle her ears?
FWIW I am in total empathy about feeling like my crushes are weird. Straight chicks aren’t supposed to do the choosing, you see.
ohgod high school I’ll be under my desk thanks
Seconding Hedwig, if someone (gender irrelevant) made me pasta and used that “cheesy” line on me, I would be so gone. What kind of stonehearted person could resist food AND puns?
I also thought my crushes were somehow a stain on the women at whom they were aimed, but I know now that it’s the opposite: If they think my crushing on them is somehow immoral or wrong, I get to know that I dodged a bullet and also that they have some shit to work on. This is one of the times I can genuinely say: It’s not you, it’s them.
Indeed, my comment has nothing to do with queer/straight.
The piece is funny, and I enjoyed it thoroughly.
Wait till you see the presidential slash fic.
In all seriousness, this is way less creepy/exploitative than say Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit edition. Nothing about this is explicitly sexual, but it SHOULDN’T MATTER IF IT WAS.
ELECTION SLASHFIC.
thank you for reminding me precisely what was missing from this interminable election cycle, some quality Ortbergian presidential-candidate slashfic. Rubio/Cruz? Donald/nobody? Hillary/Broad City? Anyone/anyone?
The only thing I ship really hard rn is the GOP/Defeat
But I will admit Santorum/any of the other republican dudes makes me giggle (he’s still running I think?)
anyone/anyone has me chortling, for unknown reasons
I totally misread this as though you were saying that this kind of deep passion for someone is what leads to Fraternities and Orders dedicated to protecting an ideal (or its human embodiment). So, like, “Yes, I totally can see Mallory forming an Order of Our Goddess Serena. Sign me up!”
Drake is my second cousins’ second cousin. I’ve never met him. But I didn’t realize that they had been a thing and now I’m feeling positively faint that Serena was almost part of my family. That would change everything. Everything.
If Drake is your second cousins’ second cousin… are you Drake?
AM I?!?!?!
She is Diana and Athena and Juno all in one, and I would lay myself at each and every one of her altars…
this is maybe my favorite crush writing OF ALL TIME.
This post is everything.
All of the same feels! Serena is perfection
/a pervasive, quiet clattering of omniscient keyboards as Toasties all over the world hurry their Mallory/Serena fanfic into being
Oh boy, you gotta know how happy I was to read this. Not just because Serena is unquestioningly the very image of Olympian perfection, but because I’m also still working through the anxieties I have over having tween-level mega crushes on other women. Feeling stupidly, illogically squeamish about expressing them, where I would never have been over a man.
It’s always nice to know you’re not alone in being a grown adult that still acquires all-consuming worship crushes and I also tend to feel a mighty need to fall at the feet of smoulderingly powerful goddess women feeling like I’d be perfectly happy just shading them with a giant leaf and feeding them grapes all day (or, y’know, whatever they wanted…)
So thanks for making me feel a little less self-concious about my gay crushes today!
Now I await, nay, demand, the If Serena Williams Were Your Girlfriend article!
Here is the If Serena Williams were your Girlfriend article: http://the-toast.net/2015/06/05/serena-williams-g…
Oh hey thanks! How did I miss this one?
Nope. I am not even close to forgiving her yet. Maybe never.
http://www.rollingstone.com/culture/news/serena-w…
Hateful, ignorant fostering of rape culture when she has so much opportunity to reach people and change things. She then claimed to have been misquoted and when that didn’t fly, misunderstood. Which AGAIN could have been a teaching moment, in which she admitted that rape culture was so invasive and insidious and REAL that even a feminist can get caught in the machinations and have a kneejerk, victim-blaming, disgusting response. Despite her failtastic excuse for an apology, which STILL emphasized that those poor, poor rapey guys suffered, too, imagine being that poor girl. Imagine it.
Now, let me lay it out for you: Serena Williams, athletic hero, just blamed you for your own gang-rape, which will be documented forever on a dozen fellow students phones and social media.
Nope. Not okay with me.
I have to wonder if her seemingly out of character answer to that question had anything to do with her family’s unfortunate involvement with the Jehovah’s Witness religious cult. I have some experience with that particular high control group and they instil an extreme patriarchal, victim-blame mentality in their members, particularly in regards sexual abuse, using some very psychologically manipulative techniques. I don’t know if you’ve been following the big child abuse court cases that have be levied at the Witnesses recently, but the scale of the appalling silencing and blaming of victims has only just started to become apparent.
These ideas can stay with members long after they leave. It can take them years to work through and fully understand all the bizarre viewpoints they’ve had hammered home and I hear echoes of that in Serena’s answer.
I have no input on Serena’s statement, not having heard about it until this moment, but I can cosign what you’re saying about growing up in a manipulative religious cult. I’ve been out of Apostolic Pentecostalism for over a decade, and I still find myself having knee jerk reactions that were programmed into me early on. I’m horrified now looking back at my 2008 views on marriage equality (can’t it just be called something other than marriage? -completely oblivious and wrong past me), but the important thing is to admit when you’re flat out 100% wrong, when you find yourself parroting something that was ironed into your mind before you started thinking for yourself, and take those moments as chances to be BETTER, rather than doubling down or getting defensive.
My partner was raised in a highly restrictive JW family, as I mentioned, and it has made me more sensitive to how challenging it is to make your own way in the world having elected to leave a religious upbringing such as yours. I was surprised at how judgmental I was, and how inaccurate I was in many assumptions, and it’s humbling to recognize the breadth and depth of making such a change.
It takes tremendous strength of character and so much courage to be able to lay it out and state that you believe you were wrong about something fundamental. I respect your courage. This must have been a considerable journey for you. I hope it is treating you well. I would be thrilled to hear more if you ever felt like sharing your story.
I seriously considered mentioning that. I am glad you did. When I read that she grew up a JW, my heart went out to her. That’s a hard way to live. My partner was raised that way and left in his early 20s after years of disconnection and discontent with the life. He is still dealing with the fallout years later. I do not mean just the family stuff – though that is intense – but the internal stuff. He describes it as having been raised to never trust any emotion or idea over the external structure they provide and drill into you. It’s been a painful process. I can’t imagine that.
I agree with you, and see that in her answer as well. It’s also why I don’t except the perfect, insightful feminist apology from her over what she said. I think she spoke from the heart, and told the reporter how she felt, and what *she* deserves as much as everyone else her answer affected, was the chance to sit back and go, “Wow, is that what I really think? Is that okay? How can this change?”
I get that her PR machine and her career and everyone around her pushing for an image and for her success would fight that tooth and nail, because while Serena Williams the Person would deeply benefit from reflection and personal evolution, Serena Williams the SuperStar Athlete belongs to a lot of people who want her to say The Right Thing as fast as possible so people will stop talking and keep paying. I sincerely grieve for people who are robbed of the chance to come to a better understanding of themselves, and she will probably always be surrounded by people who are invested in her success and do not give a rat’s ass about her true well-being, inclusive of knowing what she thinks and how she got there or whether it reflects being someone she wants to be.
Ugh, I did not know this. 🙁 I wonder if she remembers it, or if she was reminded of it, if she’d feel differently now? 🙁
I also heard that SHE told THEM how she wanted her cover to look. Which, hooray!
“If we were girlfriends I would make her pasta every day, all kinds, I would even buy a pasta maker and make the shapes by hand and she would say “You don’t have to go to all this trouble” and I’d say “it’s no trouble” and she’d say “I have a chef, you know” and I’d say “I want to be the one who feeds you” and she’d say “God, that’s cheesy” and then I’d say “No, this is cheesy,” pointing at the pasta I just made her, and then she would laugh despite herself and I’d fall asleep smiling”
This is literally the cutest thing I’d ever read, and if I were Serena Williams I’d reconsider my sexuality just because of the purity of your love
This is the loveliest thing ever and all crushes should be communicated like this
That scene from Love Actually where Rick tells Keira Knightley that he loves her with posters
Sign that I am missing the point of this article: my overwhelming thought was just “who the hell is Rick? I’d remember if that character had been called Rick, surely”. Wikipedia confirms that he is called Mark.
(Is it just me, or does Rick seem like more of an American shortening of Richard than a British one? I don’t feel like I’ve ever met one.)
He’s best known from his role on The Walking Dead, where he plays Rick. I think that’s what that was a reference to.
That makes sense! I am most familiar with him from Love Actually and Teachers, and have not seen The Walking Dead.
And somewhere, Brittney Griner stops whatever she’s doing. She feels a thin spur of ice pierce her heart and realizes that, somehow, the world is less than it once was but doesn’t know why.
kristen stewart merely notes a chilling breeze, felt but not seen
Also (super late, but apparently still important to me!), how is it possible that he loves her so well when he doesn't talk to her, avoids her, and never spends time with her? It's classic nice-guy love!
Funny how Your Feels for Serena are a near-perfect replica of My Feels for you, Your Malness. (Kthanxbai, I go die now)
Except that you don’t identify as heterosexual and neither do I, so (theoretically) win?
kristen stewart merely notes a chilling breeze, felt but not seen
Two Words: Steam Vent.
All kinds of nastiness lurks here and is most likely cause of odor. Be prepared to gag when you clean it out.