He’s so hard to shop for! He’s just so hard to shop for! He is just so hard to shop for! Aren’t men just the hardest to shop for? What can you buy a man? A handful of dust, and nothing. There are so many men, and none of them want anything.
Men: you can’t shop for them. Men: they don’t want anything. Men: they already have everything, so what can you buy them? Men are hard to buy for. What are we to do? We want, we want, we want to shop for them. Let us shop for you. We come, buying. We buy, seeking. We return, empty-handed and heavy-laden. Here are the receipts. You can take it all back. Take everything back.
What do men love? Nothing. What do they want? Nothing. Throw your gift in the trash, they’re so hard to shop for. You can’t shop for a man. We’ve all tried. Look at the women, going in the stores, going out, lining the walls, with their wallets out, hands out, eyes out, hearts out, nothing for it. There’s nothing for it. You’re so hard to shop for. I love him but he’s impossible to shop for. What can you get a man who has everything? Wants nothing? I can’t shop for him. I don’t know how to shop for him. I can’t. The list of gadgets did nothing. Sound familiar?
I had cufflinks made out of World War II history books ripped out of his favorite old baseball stadium. Headphones made out of whiskey stone drillbits. It tracks your fitness barbecues. Dads love it. Wireless meat suitcase. A watch made out of more expensive watches. Steve McQueen is here, and he named a star after you. I want to give you something, but your hands weren’t made to accept anything.
Not to walk right into this one, but seriously, what does one buy a dad? You can’t even buy the handful of dust, because it’s two weeks before Christmas and he called you saying oh, he went ahead and bought for himself that handful of dust he always wanted, you see, it was on sale at Harbor Freight
and so you scream silently and then resist the temptation to get him a shirt or something because you’re a good daughter dammit, you need to find a gift
Subscription to Dad Magazine, of course!
I totally posted on the last Dad Magazine that I was sad the book wasn’t coming out in time for christmas gifts.
So far I got him: a metal fancy bookmark; a christmas ornament that is a small model of an old car.
(My best friend is a dude and I have no problem shopping for him though! He’s an otter-bear and he likes video games and cats.)
My strategy is booze + whatever dvd amazon recommends “for fans of 24”. This has never steered me wrong.
this is hilarious and brilliant
Booze is good, but my mom always beats me to the wine store gift card.
I’ve tried DVDs also, of things I know for certain my dad likes, and he appreciates it but never watches them. Apparently “half the fun” of watching old movies/tv shows is stumbling on them when they happen to come on tv…
Oh god, yes, WHAT is that about? I’ve definitely caught my dad watching stuff on tv (with commercials!) that my parents own on DVD.
It’s infuriating, really. They could be managing their tv-watching so much more effectively…
Books would be good except that he’s basically retired now and has become familiar with all of the local libraries. He derives much satisfaction from finding out that while x book wasn’t at our terrible town library, it was in Y’s town library 20 minutes away, and when he went to Y’s library, it was a huge library with SEVERAL reference librarians!
That’s an experience. I can’t top that. *sigh*
Donation to the library in his name!
Intriguing–I’ll have to look into how to go about doing that.
UPDATE: Handled! I spoke to the library and will send them a check 🙂
My husband is A+ at this Dad skill. It’s like he was born to be A Dad.
I refuse to get Jurassic Park on DVD so I can watch it whenever it’s on TV. People keep trying to buy it for me because everyone knows I love it.
I once found a DVD of the Wall the movie. My dad’s a huge fan of the album, so I got the movie for his birthday. HE THOUGHT IT WAS THE ALBUM AND TOOK IT BACK TO THE STORE
*sob*
This year, my sister and I got dad a bourbon tasting at a local bar. My mom will probably be peeved, but dammit the man is hard to shop for!
Food, beer, other consumables. If you live in different parts of the country, something that’s particular to your area (maple syrup, It’s It bars, Amish preserves, microbrews) is usually well-received.
This is what I do every year and it has worked well for me. That and a weekly calendar so he can write down the high and low temperatures and the weather for each day. He has at least 20 years of these calendars, perhaps I should contact a climate change researcher to see if they want them…
My dad has been collecting a roll of pennies produced in the current year, every single year since like 1965.
My dad is collecting a (circulated) set of quarters for each of his grandchildren. He has a running list in his head of how many he still needs of each reverse design.
Last night I noticed our costco has like, *professional* digital weather stations. If I hadn’t already bought my dad a gift… There’s always next year.
http://www.costco.com/AcuRite-5-in-1-Color-Weathe…
Totes got my dad one of those a few years ago. I told my mom “It is great! It is like a Kindle except it only plays the Weather Channel. Dad will love it!” and he did.
seconding other people. I usually do beer and ask him for a book he’s been eyeing. For non-beer drinking dads, something consumable. He also likes a dunkin donuts gift card.
Correct answer: engraved brick in his name outside the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. (Have I mentioned how God DAMN am I daughter of the year or what?)
<bows down in awe>
got to be a biography of Churchill left somewhere
I got my dad the four-volume monster one year and it went over Very Well. (transporting it NY-TX was…less fun.)
For a Dad with slightly different tastes (or maybe a Yalta Big Three completist), I happen to know that vol. 2 of THE definitive biography of Stalin is supposed to come out just in time for the December holidays.
Ooh, which one is that?
Shoot, I think I spoke too soon! It looks like only volume 1 is out so far, but it’s Stalin: Paradoxes of Power (1878-1928), by Stephen Kotkin.
Thanks for the tip! And I love your username!
I was gonna say…there’s always another WWII biography out there!
Everyone go buy Michael Gordin’s Five Days in August, which will totally change how your dad interprets WWII.
Wool socks
Booze! Restaurant git cards are good too.
One of my best: as an underaged college student, letting my boyfriend’s mom help me to buy a case of imported beer for my dad, something I knew he’d never justify buying for himself. He got to share it with his buddies. Another, after I was gainfully employed post college: getting him a great pair of binoculars–not Rear Window binocs, the kind one uses for birding or at sports events. He called up his best friend to gush about that one. That year I was Daddy’s Princess.
Warm socks (got some nice Smartwool ones this year) and jars of nuts. Also, last year I gave him a pair of lighted reading glasses.
Dads are invited to buy their daughters smartwool socks as well…hint hint…
…Not that I think my dad reads the toast, unfortunately
Oh man, some SmartWool socks would make my fucking DAY.
Mom got me a couple of pairs for my birthday last week. The Best.
I have to keep restraining myself on these dad gift threads because mine actually does.
If you don’t already, move to a cold climate! Then all of your family members will buy you nice socks 🙂
If you like Smart Wool socks, you’ll like Darn Tough socks even more. They are from Vermont and last longer than Smart Wool, and one can buy them for less in the States than the overpriced Smart Wool brand.
Everyone in my family gets Smartwools from Santa every year. This year my boyfriend even got a few pairs, which means he is part of the family officially.
Uhhhhh, this is the perfect gift ever for my dad thank you so much. Gonna buy that man some fancy ass nuts and he’s gonna LOVE IT.
My serious advice on any gift-buying question: booze for drinkers, books for readers, cashmere for anyone else.
I always threaten my loved ones that if they don’t send me lists, they’re going to receive hummel figurines.
A potent threat indeed. My mother’s taken to just handing out boxes full to anyone who sits still long enough because my grandmother left a huge Hummel collection that nobody really wants but would feel bad ‘accidentally’ throwing into the garbage can.
Nice.
I’m really grateful that my dad only ever asks for Polysporin. I got him the fancy kind, with vitamin E, because I love him.
Have you posted before that your dad asks for Polysporin every year? Because, if so, I have legitimately thought of your dad and laughed at random times throughout this holiday season.
If not, there are two Polysporin-loving Toast dads and that’s just scary.
I’ve mentioned him before! But I wouldn’t be very surprised if there were multiple Polysporin-hoarding Toastdads.
Seriously, Black Friday shopping is like my stepdad’s only pastime. Tried to get him and my mom Fitbits last year (as they had expressed interest in mine and Mr. BHam’s) only to find out that he had already bought literally four of them (two each of multiple kinds) because he “got such a good deal.”
My parents just moved, and my dad gave me a bunch of DVDs that they had. Almost all were gifts that I’d given them (mom or dad) and most were still shrinkwrapped. “Like new!” they said, like that was supposed to make me fee better about being regifted all of the failed gifts I’d given them.
Once, I bought my dad this book that was a Uruguayan poet reflecting on soccer in Uruguayan culture (my dad is from there). The next year, my mom bought him the exact same book, except it was in English.
He never said anything, so I’m not even sure he ever read it when I got it for him.
what’s the book? I could maybe get it in English for my Dad and I could try it out in Spanish. We’re a big soccer family.
Here’s a link to the Spanish version. I have no idea where my mom got the English one.
oh and it’s Galeano, someone I’ve wanted to read before. Thank you! Oh wait, Open veins of Latin America. I did read that. Interesting.
Soccer in Sun and Shadow is beautiful even in English, highly recommended, I already own it.
second handful of dust, in case the first one blows away.
Handful of Dust in a collectible decorative tin?
Special dust-handling glove!
Handful of water to turn it into a smooth paste?
brilliant.
Warm socks. I’m not joking, seriously. I have yet to meet a person (dad or otherwise) who got a pair of nice, warm socks (like, the kind you imagine people would wear in deep snow, even for people in warmer climates) who was like, disappointed. My dad LOVES socks. Also, if he likes stuff at Harbor Freight, good working gloves are always nice (especially if you live somewhere cold during winter).
I put Mr. LF in charge of his family’s gifts this year. He ordered two pairs of wool socks for each of them, all in different colors and patterns, and is just going to have them decide amongst themselves who gets which ones. It is both brilliant and terrible.
That’s what I do with Gap boxer shorts for our 6 overseas nephews. “Everyone pick two; don’t pummel each other.”
If it’s good enough for Dumbledore…
A card saying that you will take him for a beer? And play some Trivial Pursuit at the pub?
Socks in bright patterns “because that’s what all the cool executives are wearing now.”
so THAT explains what my my father-in-law was up to last Christmas
I’ve given up and go for beer and candy. It seems to work
*fist bump*
One case of Honey Brown, two cases of chocolate covered cherries. Repeat for Birthday and Dad’s Day, respectively.
*checks Dad off the list*
What is it about dads and chocolate covered cherries?
That’s all my husband wants
My dad was apparently a friend of a friend of the guy that took the picture of the chocolate covered cherries on the Cella’s box. So therefore mine is very loyal.
I was ON THE INTERNET COMPARISON SHOPPING FOR THE GARLIC PRESS HE SAID HE WANTED and he sat down across the room, pulled out his laptop, went on Amazon, said, “Heh, this one looks good,” and bought it.
I got him a gift card to one of the last brick and mortar book stores he likes and he gave it back to me for my birthday.
I got him a throw from his university and he draped it across the back of the rocker for padding.
“Kick in for me to buy a snowblower” is his gift request this year. On the one hand, great! On the other, it kind of takes away the fun/desperation/hope that this will be the time I get him something he likes and wouldn’t get for himself.
One year I got my dad a Charlie Chaplin movie. My brother, who is older than me and had a Real Grown-Up Job already, bought him a boxed set of every Charlie Chaplin movie. It’s been 8 or 9 years, but my jimmies are still rustled.
My husband and I don’t even pretend to buy each other anything. We both pick out what we want on Amazon or something, say it’s our present, and call it good. That’s how I wound up with the entire run of the Wilde Stories/Heiresses of Russ gay/lesbian sf anthologies, and he got Elite Dangerous or Fallout 4 or something. Christmas shopping has never been so easy.
(( Toasties, I love you all, but I need to add a posthumous Ortbergian #not looking for advice to this comment ))
(( ETA: not that I don’t appreciate the sentiment!! and I’m loving the commiseration ))
I hope I can see many more things in the future described as “posthumous Ortbergian ____”
Sorry, just saw this! But I meant my comment as more of a Dad Stories than a Dad Stories with a Moral (i.e., I’m not trying to suggest that you to buy your dad the things my dad wants)
Please don’t be sorry! It’s a postscript, not something that was at all implied in the test of my original comment. And I love reading all the dad stories 🙂 I just went to get a coffee and came back to a million dad gift suggestions in my inbox and was like, “woahhh now”
I straight-up lied to my dad one year about a birthday gift, and it’s one of my favorite dad stories: He’d been meebling about getting a stock pot, so hurrah, a concrete expression of desire, and off my mother and I went to the store and bought him one. Not ONE DAY LATER, a week before his birthday, he said, “You know, I think I’m gonna buy that stock pot tonight.”
“Oh,” I said, trying desperately to save the situation, “I saw that Williams-Sonoma is having a sale on them next week; why not wait until then? It’s 20 percent off cookware.”
“Huh, good idea. Okay.”
On the night of his birthday, he opened the gift, looked delighted, and then said, stricken, “Oh, but you must have missed the sale! You could’ve waited and gotten it cheaper!”
And I had to explain that he had raised a deceitful child, steeped in craft and villainy. He was very touched.
Oh this is so lovely and made me giggle so much! My dad has on more than one occasion bought gifts for himself that we were going to/ already had boughten him, so I might have to try this strategy myself
Oh this is brilliant. My dad finally figured out I completely lie about what times events are happening so he’ll arrive on time. Alas for the restaurant telling him the reservation was for 6:30 and not 5:30 like I told him, and he arrived at 6:15.
Every year my dad is like, “oh, nothing, nothing, get your mom 2 things instead” but last year he said, “can you help me find a navy blue henley? I think that would look good on me.”
Readers, we got him 3 henleys (navy, grey, black) and he wears them ALL THE TIME.
This year he is back to wanting for nothing.
“Do you want anything for Christmas this year, dad?”
“Hm. Got three henleys, so. Nope.”
For some reason “I think that would look good on me” is making me a little teary. DADS.
I really need for everyone to be SUPER IMPRESSED with my gift buying skills this year, because I am seriously thrilled that I came up with this. Some background: my dad likes to chop down trees and split logs and load up the truck and move these logs around from stack to stack and eventually burn them in the stove. He also volunteers, with one of his buddies, to chop down trees for people who have errant trees in their yards AND he gives loads of wood away to people who have need of it and also have fireplaces or stoves. It’s his ministry, y’all. I’m not kidding. He even has a name for it that I cannot remember at the moment and ball caps embroidered with the name. The ministry is just him and his buddy, out there, chopping down trees and bringing warmth to cold people.
So what did I get him for his Christmas present? The hardback book: _Norwegian Wood: Chopping, Stacking, and Drying Wood the Scandinavian Way_ by Lars Mytting.
http://smile.amazon.com/dp/1419717987
We are not Norwegian but we are willing to learn their superior methods of dealing with firewood.
I will now graciously accept your congratulations for being the only person in my family to buy my father a gift he will like, rather than the usual pistachio nuts and socks.
Also, should you have a family member with similar interests, please feel free to steal my awesome gift idea and claim it as your own. The world needs more cozy fires!
I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS BOOK, I gave up looking for it a year ago and figured it was never coming out in English. Huzzah!
Well, looks like there’s now a Norwegian Wood Chopping corner of the toast. I love this place.
The Dad=in=Law would appreciate this greatly I think! Right, that’s next year’s present sorted.
I HAVE BOUGHT MY LANDLADY/semi-surrogate mother Norwegian Wood for Christmas as 1) she said she wanted it, covetously, and 2) I got it for super cheap through work. Win-win!
My Dad is back home in Australia where one doesn’t really use wood stoves, but I got him a fountain pen that is ALSO an iPad stylus AND a spirit level. It is the most My-Dad item I have ever found.
This is awesome. My parents also have a wood-burning stove.
My dad collects vintage model cars and fancy whiskeys, both things I cannot afford to buy him. Last year I giftwrapped and gave him the dremel I had borrowed six months previously and never returned – he was *thrilled*
For one friend’s birthday I got him balloons and also gave him back his Wonder Woman Omnibus, wrapped of course. He opened it, paused when he realized he already had it, then shouted “THIS IS ALREADY MINE”
Movies (foreign and black-and-white or WW2-themed, depending on temperament), tools he has not previously expressed lengthy opinion on his Google-derived exacting standards for, or a pair of pants without holes in it. The real gift in every case is the opportunity to hold forth at length on the object’s various characteristics and qualities, and the specific thing itself barely matters except that someday somebody else might get some benefit out of him soldering something or wearing decent pants.
The real tough one is sisters, who will react with the same indifference whether presented with a dead rat or God’s throne smuggled in secrecy from Heaven.
I dunno, they sound pretty easy: dead rats all around!
My dad and I have given up on the whole thing. We exchange Amazon gift cards at Christmas. I’ve tried many many times to cater gifts to his interests. When I was young, it was all golf crap he never used. Then it was Eric Clapton/guitar things. Then it was this book I found in Florence on Da Vinci’s inventions–after we went to an exhibit on Da Vinci’s inventions and he was super interested. NOTHING. If I gave him lint, I would get the same reaction. I once made a custom photo book that detailed my travels through Europe, a subject he had previously shown interest in. I gave the same book to my grandma. She LOVED it and showed it to literally everyone she met. My dad never opened his.
Amazon gift card exchange is the far less painful way to proceed.
I give a joint experience gift to my parents together every year now and it’s great. One year we did a chocolate walking tour of DC, one year we toured old boats and an art museum, one year I got a high ropes course and only my Mom came. This year I think we’re either doing a cooking class or a Paint Night thing.
This is a dad who, one year, put a snake light on his list then came home with one for himself ON CHRISTMAS EVE.
CHOCOLATE WALKING TOUR?! Please explain. And then provide chocolate. Chocolate.
Oh man, it was so fun–I found it by just randomly trolling Groupon. The tour guide gave us some very basic background about what chocolate is and that kind of thing, and then we just went to different chocolate shops and they handed us samples. SO GOOD
They’re lovely! I’ve run across them both in DC and Philadelphia. Walk around! Discuss chocolate and maybe the city. Eat chocolate. Great day.
My dad requested dark blue sweatpants for Christmas, and helpfully pointed out how much they were selling for at Target. (Naturally, he declined to mention what size he wore.)
“…it was on sale at Harbor Freight.”
This. This, so very much.
One year, I got my dad a stamp subscription (as in the USPS sent him a book of stamps—not fancy ones, but still—every month). He LOVED it. Do any of you have dads who do a lot of mailing? The options are a book per month ($9.80), a roll per month ($49), or a roll of postcard stamps per month ($35).
Some years (this year! Wohooo) I find music that sounds like he’d recommend it to me if I hadn’t found it first with my interwebs wizardry. Those are the good years. Other years I’m stuck sheepishly handing over a book of amusing gardening essays
Last year, my dad requested “my daughters home for Christmas” and “Red Sox stuff”. I think he has every kind of Red Sox themed apparel known to man, so I bought him Red Sox themed microfiber glasses cleaning cloths. He delights in items he can use daily to remind people that some Red Sox fans live in NY, so it was a big hit.
I asked my mom what to get my dad. Her answer? Leather slippers from ll bean, which is a great gift for almost any dad.
We’ve all given up on buying my dad anything. Even my mother’s given up. He’s extremely picky about his clothes, he buys himself his own music, he’s not really the kind of dad that does like, DIY stuff, so there’s really just nothing to do.
I bought my dad a Star Trek mug and this little credit card multitool thing from ThinkGeek. He is in fact the actual worst at buying shit he wants and never leaving things for us to buy him.
Buying my dad Brian Stevenson’s Just Mercy because he is very perturbed about police violence and our justice system. It’s kind of a depressing gift, maybe? But bless him, he wants to know what he as an older white dude can do.
If I lived in the same state it would be so much easier, because Dad’s real ideal gift is quality time, i.e. go watch some foreign/indie flick at the Pasadena Laemmle but arrive 45 minutes early so he can browse the bargain table at Vroman’s Bookstore because books are great but $5 books are ESPECIALLY great. (DAD.)
I’m making my dad a set of infused vinegars. I’ve had mason jars of ACV on top of the fridge for a couple of weeks now, 1 cranberry, 1 pomegranate, 1 rosemary, and 1 sage.
yeah
Literally the only thing you know a Dad will love is more clothes, especially if he already has too many of the item in question. A fifth baseball cap is a good start, but he’ll really get a kick out of a thirtieth sweater.
Extra points if it is identical to his favorite three (identical) sweaters.
This year my mom and I were out shopping and my dad requested a flannel shirt that was PLAID (rather than solid colors). We just about DIED.
last year my mom specifically asked that i buy my dad a new sweatshirt, because the one i bought him 16 years ago was the only one he would wear and it was starting to get gross.
so now the one from last year is the only one he will wear.
That is ADORABLE.
I just realized my daughter may think I don’t like the Admiral Ackbar t-shirt she gave me because I don’t wear it much. But I’m just trying to make it last forever. :/
Wear it and wear it and wear it out. Then save material bearing the graphics to sew into/onto a pillow. That way, it *will* last forever. I’ll do the sewing if you and your family are sewing-avoidant.
put it on RIGHT NOW and send her a selfie.
My first year living “too far away” after college and having a real job, I bought my dad a Filson wool vest. He wears it all winter, every winter, and it remains my greatest dad-gift triumph.
he considers the vest a long-distance hug from you. you KNOW he does.
My mom and I had that exact same conversation one year, so I got him a nice hooded sweatshirt from the school at which I teach. The next time I went home, he was wearing the gross one again — because the new one is for “dress-up.”
For mine, it’s definitely shirts. My dad cannot get enough Dad Plaid™.
Jackets and pullovers for my FIL. We have bought that man enough jackets and pullovers to launch an Arctic expedition. (He lives in Oklahoma. It does not get that cold in Oklahoma.)
Oh my god I am forever trying to buy more thoughtful gifts for my dad instead of just “more dress shirt/tie combos” but I am about 99% sure that he has never used a gift I have bought for him that was not clothing. I think he read a book I gave him once.
“It’s what he wants,” my mother says as she plunks an Aubergine cable-knit under the tree right next to a violet turtleneck. “Last year it was ties. Who knows what he’ll want next year?”
Mine will think that his replacement clothes are meant as a judgement (they are) and angrily return them. How dare we think that he needs new shoes! The hot glue is holding them together just fine!
I know a woman who gives her dad replacement clothes. She coordinates with mom, who removes the ridiculously worn out item as soon as dad opens the replacement gift. “I’m not sure where your old [ ] is. Have you looked in the laundry room?” They’ve been doing this for decades and he still hasn’t caught on.
My dad wants replacement shoes, but only if we can find them on sale. He has a special fondness for the Rebok Princess line. Yes, the Princess line for Men. We enjoy teasing him about this. We are not allowed to purchase the Rebok Princess shoes until the current pair of shoes is past the point of glue repair. If Rebok ever stops making these shoes I don’t know what we will do.
Stockpile?
These are also my father’s shoes of choice. I think he replaces them more often, but he always has one white white white pair and one pair that is hopelessly clay and paint stained (artist).
Mine will be like “These look new. How much did you spend on this? I got a shirt/coat/shoes just as good as this at Value Village and they only cost me five bucks.”
You’d think that. You’d hope that if you thought that was the only way to get dad to wear less embarrassing clothes than his usual shabby rags. But SOME dads grew up during the depression when ALL gifts were socks and underwear and such and those dads hate it when you give them clothes as gifts.
My dad wants T-shirts this year. When I was a freshman I gave him one with the university logo on it and he’s worn it about once a week ever since.
My dad inexplicably loves t-shirts with surf boards on them. No one knows why. My dad never surfed in his life and doesn’t really like the outdoors a whole lot. He has a PhD and was a grumpy professor for a while and then a grumpy market researcher and now he’s a grumpy retiree. But without fail a t-shirt with a surf board pictured on it will be the best present he’s ever received and indeed the only thing he actually likes in the world. I try to at least get him t-shirts with surf boards on them in a variety of background colors.
Crazy Shirts of Hawaii makes the best ones!
My stepdad IS so hard to shop for and has literally hated 60% of the gifts I’ve given him.
The only things on his Christmas list this year:
– AM/FM solar-powered emergency weather radio
– Life preserver for the soon-to-be-installed pool
– Rope for abovementioned life preserver
We went with the radio.
The good thing about dads with simple gifts is that THEY ARE SATISFIED when you choose something from their simple list. Really and for true. If he has a list and you select something from it, no matter how dull or mundane it seems to you, you will not go wrong.
That list is an issue of DAD MAGAZINE in and of itself.
My father in law’s list was two items. And then he said, “Nevermind. Not the second item. Someone else is getting it for me.”
So much for the magic and wonder of Christmas?!
My dad’s entire Christmas list last year, verbatim:
– Looper sci fi
– Rolling Stones CD
– International economics textbook
He doesn’t appear to have made a list this year, which is probably an improvement.
the am/fm solar powered emergency weather radio does sound cool. Like, I am not someone who prepares for emergencies nor do I check the weather regularly, but that does sound good.
I… actually want to get that for my Dad now that I know such a thing exists.
They recently relocated to an area that has hurricanes, so it is definitely a sensible gift.
My brother once got me a radio-flashlight that is operated by hand-cranking it (and it charges up really fast, doesn’t need a lot of cranks). That is pretty cool too — you don’t have to wait for sunlight/the next dawn, and it will keep you safe in an emergency. I don’t know, there is just something about very practical survival-y gifts like these that just says “somebody loves you.”
My brother once got me a carbon monoxide detector too. I’m not even sure there was an occasion. Family love! 🙂
My dad’s entire list this year:
– Slippers
– Can opener
End of list.
MY list this year was just slippers and a new messenger bag.
Be the dad you want to see in the world.
I believe I mentioned this in an earlier thread, but my dad requested belts, a tie, and unfrosted blueberry Pop-Tarts.
Please join me in the pain of having a Dad who insists that all he wants as a gift is for you to come home for the holidays, but you know if you don’t get him something he will sulk for YEARS and bring it up passive aggressively as a joke about how his kids don’t love him.
See also: Dads who insist they don’t want any dessert, they’ll just have whatever you don’t finish
You’re describing my dad and my father-in-law so perfectly. My dad was so upset that I didn’t get him a birthday present one year (I only came to dinner and made him a card) that my mom suggested I was becoming cruel and evil. C’MON!
My father-in-law doesn’t want to order dessert, but it does look pretty good in the end, doesn’t it?
Give your dad the gift of something to passive-aggressively gripe about; it’s what he always wanted anyway
What is actually like to have a dad who does not want desert? This is a completely foreign concept after a childhood of living with Coloneldad, confirmed and unapologetic desert stealer. The most hated six words of my young life were ‘time to pay the dad tax.’ (Which is first pick of your Halloween candy or one spoonful of ice cream that always somehow manages to be half the bowl.) Passive aggression is for dads who might actually have some vestiges of shame &/or human decency.
Here’s the thing about my dad: he secretly does want dessert, but he refuses to admit it. We’ll have to ask him ~5 times if he’s sure he doesn’t want any before he’ll admit it and then take an ENORMOUS bite. If we don’t, he gets mopey.
And I am VERY familiar with the dad tax. I learned to hid the Peanut M&Ms that I got on Halloween because otherwise the dad tax would conveniently be the exact number of bags of them in our candy baskets. He was more than welcome to take the York Mints though.
“the dad tax.” DADS
Seriously. “The Dad Tax.” Did he want me to hate taxes from a young age? Was that it? I notice I never got a dad tax refund.
And he still does it to this day. And who is the child whose designated seating place is still at his right, dessert reaching hand? All I want is to know what a full piece of thanksgiving pie tastes like.
Also, why it took like two days for my phone to realize dessert was not the same word as desert.
A tarp for his tarps
A collection of obscure batteries
A history of baseball errors
A camera that takes ghost pictures
I have never wanted anything more than I want a camera that takes ghost pictures
uh yeah do you know where you can get a camera that takes ghost pictures?
When my brother was a kid, my grandma gave him a camera with a broken film advancement crank. His subsequent “ghost little sister” photograph series actually won him a few contests back in the day…
Look on eBay for cheap Pentaxes to hack?
REAL GHOSTS OR BUST
t-rex has your back
I have no idea if this product still exists, but around Halloween you used to be able to get disposable cameras that came with a ghost… like, pre-printed, I guess, on every frame of film, so every photo you took had a ghost in it!
When I was a kid, I bought a book by Penn and Teller that came with a piece of acetate that had a ghost (and another with a carrot!) on it, and you could put it on the film cartridge of a Polaroid camera, so whenever you took a picture with it the person would have a ghost (or a carrot) over their head.
Oh my goodness, my Dad would 100% LOVE a history of baseball errors, someone please write that book, thanks.
Well, there is this book (I have no idea how good it is, I just did a quick amazon search. The cover looks pretty dad-worthy though)
I got my dad a baseball-themed novel written by John Grisham once. That was pretty successful if you want to give that a try!
“A Tarp for His Tarps” sounds like an NPR show from Parks & Rec, like “A Thought for Your Thoughts.”
Yo Dad we herd you like tarps …
I’m singing this to the tune of “George Washington:”
Got a wig for his wig
And a tarp for his tarps
He’ll kick you apart
OOOOOOHHHH
I tried for a full minute to set that to “Here Comes the General” before I realized there must be another song about Washington.
OH MY GOD I forgot until just this minute my dad getting all excited about showing me how, using his film camera, he could do a double exposure of the same scene except he was in one of the exposures and not in the other one so he looked like a ghost. DADS!
Go to Imgur, search for “double exposure”, see the cool pictures there, show them to you dad for his next project.
A TARP FOR HIS TARPS
he would totally, totally have this. <3 dads.
Well you’ve got my husband figured out, because he fixated on “wireless meat suitcase” immediately.
Haha so did I! I don’t know what it is but I *NEED* it!
Are there meat suitcases WITH wires?
I told Mr. Squish that he’s getting a handful of dust and nothing for Christmas. He laughed like it wasn’t true.
You’ll show him!
I don’t know if this contributes to the “men are hard to buy for” stereotype, but I just never wait for someone to gift me something. If I see something I’d like to own, I just get it. No wish lists. For awhile, my mother forbade me from buying anything from September 1st to December 27th, because I’d have already purchased whatever she had thought of.
Wait a minute, are you my husband? No, you can’t be, because he wouldn’t abide by any such rule as not buying anything from 9/1-12/27. I should be so lucky.
I never said I abides by it.
You are part of the problem.
And I am thoroughly unapologetic about it.
Mmmm, that IS the dream, to have unlimited spending money year-round.
Not unlimited. In my younger and far more stupid days, my way got me in a lot of trouble.
Ron? Ron Swanson? Is that you?
Pfft, RonSwan doesn’t buy things, he barters for them. Except ammunition and typewriter ribbons from electronic bay dot com.
Are you my brother in law? CUT IT OUT!
yes this is exactly the problem. i spent 8 weeks researching the best deal on the best flat screen TV for my dude since i knew he was buying himself a new game system and i knew Fallout 4 would look crummy on the tube TV. so when he got the system he had to go get an HDMI cable and instead came home with the exact television i had already ordered.
he’ll be lucky if i get him a handful of dust.
If I learned one thing from the Toast this year, it is to buy men tiny things, because it makes them feel larger.
YES!
truly, the gift that keeps on giving
WHEN will those Norwegian body-builders publish the gentle and whimsical self-help book for which the public clamors?!
Let’s establish the MacArthur Tiny Genius Grant, to create a more just, verdant, peaceful, and physically smaller world.
I want the film of them going to the LOTR/TH sets in NZ like they said they wanted to. Please, Santa, I’ve been good.
Nah, men are simple creatures. Just get him something listed under “Men” on Amazon and you’re fine.
ETA: Just tried this and got this, so there you go. http://www.amazon.com/Leatherexotica-Leather-Tail…
WHY
Nobody would wear that, LITERALLY nobody would wear that, you would not even wear that for a photo in an ad to sell that.
I would not wear your leather onesie but I would be ENORMOUSLY ENTERTAINED if gifted it so if that’s worth $300 to you, there you go
That is excellent, but can it track my fitness barbecues?
See you’re joking but my mother and I are going in together on a leather workmans kilt for my brother. I kid you not.
Its for when he goes on his survivalist camping trips in the summer (Its like Disney land for him. Seriously.)
Am I safe googling “leather workmans kilt” at work, or should I wait until I get home?
I don’t know. Do so at your own risk.
I haven’t seen the thing; mother met a guy at a festival who makes them and wants to get one for brother. She’s usually crap gifts but feels very proud of herself to have found a cool gift for him. I’m just being supportive and looking forward to see his face on Christmas and watch him try and explain what it is to his kids.
I gave it a google, and I came up with a website called “Utilikilts”. They’re like…If cargo pants were made into a skirt? They had lots of pockets. 😛
I live in Seattle, where we have a brick-and-mortar Utilikilts store, and regularly see guys wearing them out and about. (They seem very popular with motorcyclists!)
Women don’t wear skirts on motorcycles, so why, men, why?
Don’t get me wrong, they look darling! I’m just not sure that’s the reaction they’re going for… 😉
Seen that just seems dangerous.
My very own father got his Utilikilt in Seattle! He wears it while doing yard work. No joke.
Am using husband’s computer. His amazon recommendations are going to be ALL screwed up now, haha.
brb, going to husband’s computer to fix his amazon algorithm situation. No more Wrecking Crew and Stewart O’Nan for you, mister!
I am absolutely sure that my husband would wear this ALL THE TIME, and so must find a way to prevent him from finding this.
Your husband is the manliest man among men.
Gift card to the local woodworking studio for classes. #DADS
see also: knife sharpening classes
which was very well-received, btw. if you are in need of knife-sharpening classes for you or your dad and in the bay area, i recommend bernal cutlery
I love that place! I never took their classes, but they sharpened my knives when I lived in SF, and they told me where to go to get my chisels sharpened (you see, my grandfather had been given some chisels as a wedding present, and my father tried to sharpen them himself about 40 years ago, thereby seriously damaging the blades).
Mr. LF sometimes brings his sharpening set to family gatherings and sharpens everything he can find.
i was just thinking how happy my dad would be if i brought my best knife down to my parents’ house this christmas for him to sharpen
This is what my parents got ME for Christmas last year. It was great! I have a deep affinity for Dad Culture
That’s what I want for Christmas! And I asked to get my knives sharpened last year. I’m beginning to suspect I might secretly be A Dad.
Yeah, but what if your dad has owned a millwork shop for his entire adult life, inheriting his own dad’s woodworking tools, and every storage space he owns is fully lined with pegboard and clever racks for the baby-food-jars full of every kind of bolt and screw machined in the world?
Class for how to build your own pizza oven.
“Every straight white man is headed to, and perhaps deserves, the purgatory of sex, sports, and gadgets to which the entire male gift market reduces.”
via http://www.theparisreview.org/blog/2015/11/30/poi…
I loved that essay.
If the middle-aged white dad still carries, somewhere in him, traces of desire, they’re only in reach of black markets, itches that may never be permissibly scratched. I love you, Dad. I got you three nights at a brothel in Phnom Penh.
This is great.
This year I think I knocked the whole gift thing out of the park.
Coloneldad is a man of simple tastes.
this year i will be giving my dad a piece of meatloaf because all the cliches are true.
As long as you’re not giving him a piece of Meatloaf.
our lord and savior Meatloaf has not yet made it onto the Garage iPod, but maybe i should give a nudge in that direction.
Dan and I are not getting one another gifts this year because we shelled out for NY hotel/train tickets when we went to see Hamilton and that was our Xmas gift to one another, and I’m a little too happy about it. But honestly! He asks for nothing and I ask for ALL THINGS. It’s not quite fair.
My dad and I actually seem to have a mutual “no idea what to get each other” thing happening. My mom knows what to get me, but he’s not going to get me clothes or makeup.
For the last several years he’s gotten me polarfleece zip ups with varying degrees of success (purple, yay, neon yellow, not so much. It hurts my eyes even if I’m only wearing it at home), to the point where 2 years ago I said, while opening gifts, “If this is another goddamned polarfleece…”
It turns out my brother got me one from a trendier company that was made of bamboo, and it was pink and cute and soft, but I had a really hard time convincing him I liked it.
Also, my parents went to Italy recently, and my dad’s souvenir for me was a little glittery bulldog figurine made of hardened lava, I think. He just laughed and said it reminded him of me for some reason. Is that a good thing?
Me: Are we getting each other gifts this year?
Boyfriend: How ’bout you don’t get me anything and I’ll do whatever I want [shower you with gifts]?
A+ system.
Did you take a picture going to/at/after the show? Frame it (and the ticket?) and give it to him for xmas.
THAT IS THE BEST PRESENT. If I lived in the United States, continental or not, that would be my present this year. #utterhamiltrash
I already got my dad a nice gift and the other day out of the blue he started talking about how the one thing he really wants in life is a smoker for the backyard, so he can smoke his own bluefish. Specifically bluefish, nothing else. The neighbors are going to love him.
If I may straightsplain this for a moment, this almost certainly is because men are, on a sexual level, wired to be the givers. Women can only receive, whether it be gifts, penis, or criticism. It is their receiving that makes them women and that makes them complete. If a man receives anything, it undercuts his essential masculinity by implying that he does not already Have. Men must always Have, or they are not Men.
My anxiety about not knowing whether this is serious is THROUGH THE ROOF.
is it satirical or is it the truest thing ever written?!
brb emailing my best dude friend to ask for his take.
…..oh no.
HAHA oh no! I will immediately relieve your anxiety by clarifying that IN NO WAY IS THIS SERIOUS. But I’ve been around enough fundamentalist Christians to get a pretty good grasp on the type of weird shit people say about gender roles, so I couldn’t resist.
WHEEEWWWWW thank you. A+ trolling, would be trolled again.
I make a terrible troll because I immediately regret any anxiety I cause anyone. Better reevaluate my life choices. (My eternal sarcasm is going nowhere, though.)
you successfully trolled me pretty well and I was flabbergasted for a bit there now. well done. on reread, the use of “straightsplaining” should have tipped me off. Alas.
I want to hug this comment, but as a woman, I suppose I will have to wait for the comment to hug me.
BOOM! ok, comedy is closed for the day, we have a complete and perfect 1-2 punch.
This is BRILLIANT.
Yet women “give” birth. HMM. I smell a scholarly journal article!
Perhaps we can think of birth as more of a “regifting” process? Women receive sperm but make some changes/improvements and then regift it to the world (especially to the Man Father) in the form of a baby.
(I’m getting way too into this.)
And where does breastfeeding come in? This all demands further exploration.
Breastfeeding falls more under the category of what some call “caregiving”, but given the masculine language implied in that term, I prefer the much more female-recipient-based “caretaking.” Although casual conversation often uses the phrase “taking care of,” a better replacement would be “taking care from.” When feeding, cleaning for, or emotionally supporting men, women are in fact acting out of an excess of love that is spilling over from their male partner. It is because women are given love by men that they are able to TAKE that care and use it in a way that benefits men and fulfills the inherent nature of both man and women. Without the love of a man, women would not be able to breastfeed; nor would they be able to successfully support men in any other substantial way.
(ok I feel like this is going into a scary place; I’ll stop now.)
You’re good at this!
Pitch The Toast!
ohhhhh sorely tempted because I have now been obsessing over the concept for several hours. I might just do that—heads up, world.
My thought process while reading this comment:
hmm interesting use of ‘straightsplaining’ I wonder where this is going
AWW HELL FUCKING NO.
This person is clearly joking.
This person may not be joking and I am unsure and confused.
omg I regret all of my wordings. It’s a joke, worry not! I believe none of what I wrote; neither am I straight.
Don’t worry I instantly read the comments and understood
A+ trolling.
PERFECTION. (I knew you were joking, especially by the end. But also in the second sentence.)
As far as I’m concerned, penis is a form of criticism to which I react about as well as the other kinds.
i am 100% stealing “penis is a form of criticism.”
I’m coming back the next day to copy/paste your comment into my file of Favorite Quotes (and i’d love to post it on tumblr with “Toast commenter Rachel” credit, if you don’t mind?), and also to ask if you’ve ever thought of working on The Daily Show or The Onion, because, seriously, that is some top-notch satire. (Sadly I don’t have a connection to either of those places, I just thought your comment was worthy of them.)
omg this is one of the best compliments I’ve ever received. My dream job is working for the Onion, but in the meantime a friend and I do have our own humor/satire blog in the works! ps I’ve immediately followed you on twitter and would love to follow you on tumblr as well…I always love when people have the same sense of humor as me!
Hee, yay! I am very pleased that you are already utilizing and building your satirical gifts. I’d love to follow your blog, when it’s running. And I will definitely follow you on Twitter too (though I don’t use it too much).
I am much more active on tumblr, where I am mysweetetc.
I have maintained an Amazon Wish List for years, because I like receiving things I actually want for Christmas (WHAT A WORLD), and not just whatever random thing happened to show up in a list on the web or in a sponsored Facebook ad, or in a goodie bag from an event someone attended.
I am continually surprised at how bewildering this is to friends and relatives of all ages.
“A list? Online? But how… how do I see it?”
“Here’s a direct link.”
“OK, so I look at this and then go buy the items elsewhere?”
“Nope. Click on it. Buy it. It will check the item off the list. It can even ship straight to me with a gift receipt and everything.”
“This is too complicated. Here’s some novelty chapstick and a summer sausage.”
“… … OK.”
I got the novelty chapstick (Bubble Yum!) and summer sausage (but bought it for myself, so doesn’t count?) this year and enjoyed it.
I love summer sausage, and have never received it as a present. Should I set up an amazon wish list?
Couldn’t hurt! An Amazon wish list full of nothing but several varieties/brands of summer sausage sounds like a great idea, actually.
… I now know what to give my dad for Christmas.
Even though I am a vegetarian, as a former Wisconsinite, I am required by law to bring people summer sausage and festively shaped cheeses as a host/ess present. (Usinger’s forever!) So perhaps invite an ex-midwesterner over sometime?
Festively shaped cheeses! I need you in my life.
Forget bringing bottles of wine: I’m switching to team cheese/summer sausage.
Because of where my parents live (rural Canadian town), most of the stuff I’ve wanted for the past ten years or so has to be bought online if they’re doing the buying. Some years, their ineptitude has resulted in me getting very unexpected yet genuinely wonderful gifts (that time they didn’t get the concept of ‘tags’ in an online list, thus they bought things that were not tagged ‘xmas’) and other times with me getting things I definitely do not want (that time they bought the right shirt for my siblings who did not ask for it, and a totally wrong shirt for me??).
They’ve gotten better over the years, but I’ve also gotten much more specific. They usually just get an email from me with direct links to the best place to buy it. I think their willingness to do this ‘complicated’ thing is related to a) aforementioned rural town and b) the fact that my brother and sister rarely give them lists and so buying stuff for them can be a lot more difficult. They like the simplicity of knowing I will like what they buy.
My parents live in rural outside-of-town bush and they don’t have the internet – there’s no cable out there and satellite is “too expensive.”
What I get for Christmas is whatever godawful tchotchkes (inevitably including salt and pepper shakers, which they have decided I collect) they’ve found from yard sales in the summer, and Value Village/Saint Vincent de Paul Thrift Store when they drive into either Sudbury or Elliot Lake.
And whatever Canadian Tire item I’ve asked for – and I know well enough not to ask for anything that would cost more than $60.
to be fair, they aren’t just cheap, they really do have very limited means. But if you add up all the stuff they spend on tchotchkes which I actively don’t want, they could afford something I could really use. But they enjoy thrifting, so I can’t deny them that. It’s an activity that they can do together and it amuses them to find the ugliest shit imaginable.
My mom sends an annual email asking for links to/reminding us to update our amazon lists. I try to include things from other stores as well.
I get asked every Thanksgiving, without fail, if my Christmas wish list on Amazon is up to date. My family knows I want Strange Things They Cannot Find At the Mall and is happy to indulge me if I put it all in one place for their benefit.
Oh yes, and having a wedding gift registry online was even more confusing to people. They were like, “Where IS this store?” and I was like, “It doesn’t matter, you aren’t supposed to go there. You are supposed to order it online.” So they just gave me crystal olive-serving dishes from the local “wedding” store.
This is my mom.
“I’m going to Macy’s to look for something for Chris and Poppy’s wedding. Do you want to come along and get something also?”
“Mom, here, let me send you their registry link. You can just order online.”
“Online shopping is so impersonal. I like to get something from Macy’s. Are you free on Saturday? I’ll buy you lunch.”
I have one of these, and it is 90% books, 10% random stuff I also like.
I have yet to receive any of these desired books. Occasionally I buy them myself/get them at the library, and remove them from the list. People tell me it feels impersonal! I heroically do not tell them that no, I don’t want another scarf.
Please I want the books please I have nothing to read just give me the books
My wishlist is 90% books and 10% things I need to remember to buy. I had to remember to remove the tampons from my wishlist last month before my in-laws might have been checking Amazon for gifts.
that’s why I like Amazon’s option of making multiple lists. One is for other people, others are for me.
I keep checking back on this thread in hopes that I’ll finally understand what makes it “summer” sausage, but no luck so far. Someone needs to help me with this.
I am a neophyte and not a true connoisseur of summer sausages, but to my mind, what makes a “summer” sausage a summer version is that it’s a) eaten cold and b) slightly chubbier. Also, not dry like a salame, but sort of soft like a mortadela. Maybe slightly firmer or somewhere in between. I’m out of my depth here.
You inspired me to do the heavy lifting: The “summer” designation refers to the fact that it doesn’t need refrigeration and can thus, I guess, lay out by the pool with you. Most use vinegar or another acid to aid in preservation. And bouncing from Wikipedia to Hickory Farms really tested my meatless leanings because they’re all so beautifully packaged. Yum.
MY LIFE. Why ask me for a list that I will spend hours slaving over if you’re just going to ignore it all??
This is 100% my life right now. Although I suspect that my problem is less “last person on my list is a dude” and more “last person on my list is a dude I don’t know well and who already has lots nicer things than I could ever buy.”
I have gotten him a bottle of the local gin he likes, but since he gives me really good Scotch most years, that seems like a paltry offering. A+ twinning. At least my old man gave me a list of things in my price range this time. Dad also had to tip me to the gin…
you could infuse a vodka for him. He’ll never know how easy it actually is. Some of the best flavors are: limoncello, horseradish, or cucumber.
Getting a gift from the men’s section of a department store, the kind that has silver plated golf themed accessories, is a tacit admission that you have no friends.
I always feel like a huge jerk because my family is always “what do you want for Christmas?” and I always shrug and say, “you know whatever, there’s a bunch of stuff on my wish list that I’m kind of interested in,” but deep down inside I’m seething and thinking “YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT IS WHAT IT MEANS TO LOVE SOMEONE I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO TELL YOU.”
I actually kind of hate this part of Christmas.
Let me tell you this, and I mean this with love: you are my least favourite type of person for which to buy gifts. Sometimes I just don’t get anything (or get something terrible) out of spite (ok, I was younger and it was my brother).
it it’s any consolation, I am also my least favorite person in this scenario
i definitely feel this way with my mom specifically, because she tends to give gifts that suggest she has never once even MET me. i recently apologized for my lukewarm reaction to a coat she bought me when i was a dirtbag teen, because the reaction was Very Selfish and i felt terrible about it. (but really, it’s like she’s never SEEN me. wtf.)
Moms, you know?
oh noooo, i brought a mom story to a dad thread.
[hangs head, shuffles away]
Oh! I have a mom Christmas story. My mom does not like Christmas. She claims not to be very good at giving gifts. “I’m not like you and your aunt and your grandmother who just seem to always know what to get people.” Hint: we PAY attention to what people like and put effort into it.
So three years ago she decided that we weren’t going to exchange gifts/have Christmas. We were all going to take a family trip! Or a cruise! Something fun and away from our town! When did she announce this grand plan? The day after Thanksgiving.
I explained to her that her plan was FINE, had she floated it by us in August, and that some of us had jobs and pets and babies and couldn’t just pick up and go to the beach with a month’s warning, even if she paid for it all. I said “If you want to cancel Christmas, do it BEFORE Thanksgiving.”
And also, I am one of those people who shops all year long and my gifts were already in my gift closet and I wanted to give them to people!
So she was outvoted and we did have Christmas after all.
But then last Tues. she told me we were going to have a “small Christmas.” Again, after all my shopping is done. I didn’t go to great expense or effort, but it’s kind of annoying that the only awesome gifts that anyone will receive are from me. But that’s OK, it really, truly is better to give than receive. I get a lot of pleasure out of seeing people open their gifts from me. I just don’t enjoy opening up my summer sausage and flavored lip gloss.
ugh, i hate that game. and it is kind of a game. also plenty of people do not like christmas and they don’t try to …. cancel it.
here’s another one! a few years back my mom had a minor thanksgiving freakout that my siblings and i were not going to appreciate christmas like we once did, because there was no longer a HUGE PILE of presents under the tree. we children, now grown-ass adults, looked at each other and were like, “uh, that’s fine. i think you’re the only one who cares. we just like being home.”
december 25 is also my mom’s birthday. soooooo.
We’ve done Christmas trips instead of presents several times, and it’s awesome, but it’s always been planned starting no later than the Christmas before!
this is Dad Behavior, so it counts! Don’t feel ashamed.
Up until VERY recently, my dad has bought gifts for 10-y-o me. Not only are they very juvinile, but they’re often era-appropriate. Lots of early 00’s happy faces and stuff.
oh my godddddd that is adorable from afar and sounds so depressing in real life.
Aw man, yeah, my dad buys presents for teenage me. Lots of ballet- and Beatles-themed books/CDs/t-shirts.
YUP and I feel terrible about my dirtbag teen reaction too (but also I’m like, it’s such a waste of money and did you really try? And are we sure you raised me? And then said coat is returned to the store and I get nothing, except FEELINGS).
ugh, isn’t it just SO TERRIBLE?! even now, having thoroughly apologized for it, i just want to go back and smack myself in the face and yell “smile and say thank you, you ungrateful cunt.”
what’s worse, i would totally wear that coat now. it was a white puffy coat and i was in my “dark earth tones” phase and wore drapey curtains, basically. [the phase lasted for 7-ish years and you helped me furnish my dorm room, MOM, you should have noticed that everything was brown and maroon.] now i’m in a “bright everything all the time” phase and i want that goddamn white coat.
That’s how I felt for years! I’d give amazing thoughtful gifts and get wine or liquor(I don’t drink),or strange kitchen things. I had to teach some people how to give presents. Apparently some people were brought up by grinches.
Yeah it’s made worse because I am actually very good at discerning what another person would like but what they would never even think of getting (often something that they wouldn’t even realize exists). I get a lot of shirts or just a bunch of things off of my wishlist.
(Which is *fine*, I don’t mind having those things, though usually I use my wishlist throughout the year to save things that I might want to buy for myself, and occasionally put things on it that I then change my mind about and forget to delete, so.)
I am deeply jealous of your skill! Because it is a skill (or at least a talent), and some people like me just don’t have it. Every so often I can come up with a truly inspired gift idea, but most of the time I wrack my brains and can’t think of anything. Wishlists are my lifeline!
(Pro-tip: on Amazon I use the “shopping list” for dumb things that I want to buy for myself but would never want someone else to buy for me. It is not public, only I can see it. I use the wishlist for things I would like to have someday and if someone bought it for me as a gift that would be even better.)
I really do enjoy giving gifts and I take it as a personal challenge to find the right one for each individual. And the gifts don’t have to be expensive or showy; they just have to be something that the person wants and would never buy for himself/herself, or, even better, a gift the person DIDN’T EVEN KNOW HE/SHE WANTED until he/she opens it! I enjoy picking out the wrapping paper and the card and the ribbon. It’s one little thing that I can make perfect.
I think the essential characteristic of a good gift giver is empathy. I have to imagine myself as the recipient. I can’t get my brother the wall calendar for Miss Fisher’s Murder Mysteries (yes, it exists, and it is glorious) just because I like it. I have to visualize his life and what he needs/wants. (He wants the National Parks wall calendar).
I think people throw money at the gift-giving dilemma when many folks would be happy with something modest, but carefully chosen. And some people are oblivious grinches. (When you asked and when I told you straight out that I wanted a heart rate monitor for Christmas, that was well past a hint. When I gave you a list, broken down into gifts that cost less than $10, gifts that cost less than $25, and gifts that cost less than $50, that was a good starting point).
One my list included “a really good umbrella, not a crappy one that breaks or blows away” any my parents invited me to select one from the canister by their door when I left to return to my house. That is not good gift giving. If I ask for an UMBRELLA, which a pretty modest request, then take yourself to Target and buy me a sturdy one. I do not want your pre-broken umbrellas.
My husband spends weeks badgering me about what I want, and I’m all, literally everything I could think to want is on my wishlist, and he’s all, but I want to get you something special, and I’m all, well I guess I don’t like special things, if you don’t think any of these things are special, and then he gets me something weird.
you are a huge jerk, Amazon wishlist is the most boring blowoff everrrrrrr and if we’re gonna be that transactional about it I can just hand you a wad of bills to let you pick the thing you want most on that wishlist yourself
GIVE ME A GENRE OF STUFF TO WORK WITH I know you but I don’t have an up-to-date inventory of everything you own or want
THE POINT IS THAT YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET ME SOMETHING THAT I WOULD WANT BUT I WOULDN’T KNOW THAT I WANT
this is why I deliberately buy Amazon wishlist people the weirdest least-wishlist-relevant shit I can find that fits their tastes
SPITE GIFTGIVING.
Here. CASH. Knock yourself out.
My variation on this horrible malady is that everything I want, like boots, or a watch, or a kitchen gadgety thing, I’d want to pick out myself to suit my own extremely particular tastes.
There’s nothing worse than getting a gift that’s in the right category, but is so the wrong item. “But, but…you said you wanted a necklace…?”
In the defense of my family, a lot of the things I really want are things that kind of don’t actually exist? “I would like a coat with a huge hood like a Sith lord, but really well-made like a fancy dress coat with riveted buttons?” “I would like a cartomancy deck with the cities from Invisible Cities on them?”
Those things aren’t real, no one was going to guess that.
I’m pretty sure they have coats along those lines on Etsy? You can commission a lot of shockingly sturdy custom-tailored clothing from Etsy.
Come to think of it, with sufficient disposable income one could probably commission the cartomancy deck from an artist on Etsy or Tumblr as well.
YES THESE COATS EXIST I HAVE SEEN THEM ON TUMBLR!
Actually I think what you want is somewhere under “goth clothing” or “Assassins Creed inspired jackets”? https://www.pinterest.com/pin/335096028493618361/
yeah, those are the Volante Design coats, and those are good, and well-made (take it from a guy with a closet full of rad black coats — most of them are not at all), but I think asking for a custom-made $400 coat for Christmas is sort of beyond the pale.
(Also, don’t tell me! Tell my mom!)
Thing is, I LOVE shopping for gifts for people and I absolutely know what is perfect for them… when I see them regularly. Now that I live far away from my folks I have no idea what my Dad already has. Well, I know that he doesn’t have expensive stuff, but obviously I can’t do that and make him feel bad.) When I lived at home I could notice the song on the radio he regularly hummed along to (but had no idea who the band was) and get him that CD, or notice what kitchen implement would make his cooking easier and did not exist in our house, or what wrench he’d been side-eyeing at Canadian Tire. But now I’m up there maybe 3 times a year and I don’t have those experiences to inform my gift shopping. And I feel so sad about it.
Now I am going to sound like one of those awful self-help people BUT it sounds like your love language is gift-giving and your family’s is very much not. I empathize very much with all people in this situation but, as someone who is acts-of-service, PLEASE let us help you, we want to be good at this but we’re not sure how.
My family’s love language is quiet resentment.
Small batch vodka infused with mustache-shaped jerky.
A tie clip that is also a stylus and also has screwdriver attachments.
Hand-carved pinewood beard comb that you can also smoke meats on.
Tin of mixed nuts, but it has Star Wars on it.
Candles, but black.
Flowers, but black.
Your heart, but black.
I would buy my brother-in-law a screwdriver tie clip.
I like you and what you are about.
” …but it has Star Wars on it. ”
I’m having trouble finding things that *don’t* have Star Wars on them.
Not that this is a problem, given my friend group.
You joke, but I legit bought my dad a fountainpen-iPadstylus-spiritlevel-smallruler for Christmas.
Also, Matt Lubchansky’s matte-black socks inscribed with powerful runes are a solid choice.
But what if we don’t want to steal Matt Lubchansky’s socks?
Then you don’t deserve to have them.
also he should have picked anti-theft runes, nobody to blame but himself really
Mr. LF and I got one another a new refrigerator this year. #romance #adulting
I did not draw my dad’s name in the gift exchange, so I got him a Sponge Bob figurine in his stocking. It is easy to shop for the childish man.
Last year we bought each other a new treadmill. It happens.
My boyfriend and I planned to get each other a good knife set and a blender so we could actually cook things. When we arrived at the good kitchenware store and saw the price of a good knife set, we revised our plans. We now have one good knife, an aspirational mostly-empty knife block, a perfectly acceptable blender, and a better cutting board. I feel like I just reached several new levels of adulthood.
I asked for a Roomba and Mr. JG refused because then he’d have to explain he’s not That Guy to everyone.
Hah, this is perfect. I am a dad in my early 40s and I can already feel myself slowly turning into a Dad For Whom It Is Impossible To Shop. My poor family.
With my dad, I have regressed to 7-year-old strategies for gift-giving: I will make him things, and he will love them because Dad. I will be attempting to knit him a scarf sometime in the next 9 days. My only regret is that I can’t make it out of macaroni.
OR CAN I?
I BET YOU CAN
Macaroni might be difficult, but if you get rigatoni you can probably use the crochet hook beading method to knit the noodles into the scarf.
I tried to like this comment multiple times.
I sort of miss the days when my brothers and I would sneak into the eldest sibling’s room in the middle of the night for like two weeks and make my parents Christmas themed latch-hook rugs. We were so blissfully convinced that our stealth was effective and this was the best gift ever.
+1 for macaroni.
You can definitely add some sort of pasta on the end as fringe. which can then be cut off easily after the joke period of the pasta wears off.
Either way, we need photos!
I took a jewelry class for this exact reason and it works pretty great
A bottle of 80 dollar scotch filled with artisan bacon
It’s not a cliché exactly, but every single birthday, Xmas and father’s day from the time I was old enough to accumulate money until we stopped giving adults presents, my dad only ever asked for tennis balls and Big Red gum.
Hahaha my dad played tennis for decades, which resulted in SOOO many perfectly obvious cylindrical gifts on his birthday or Christmas.
One year I got my dad an alarm clock that displayed the time in binary. I thought it was so cool. He used it once and then never again because the LCD display was too bright and he couldn’t sleep with it on. Another time I got him a small mustache comb and a tin of mustache wax. As far as I know, he never used either.
All I know about my brother is his name and address and the fact that he likes ducks. Can I get him a live duck? My sister-in-law might disapprove.
Are you me? I think you might be me.
Can you donate money in his name to a bird refuge or something? Less messy that way, although significantly less amusing for you.
Printed certificate of donation to a bird refuge (or whatever) curled up inside a mug with a duck on it?
Last year I got my duck-loving BFF a book of fancy duck pictures for Christmas. I don’t remember what it was called, but it exists, and you might have a decent time finding such a thing in the gardening/pets/animals section of a bookstore, which is where I found mine.
Failing that, Oxfam (in Australia at least) do a thing where you can donate a live duck to a family in need of a duck, and give a card commemorating this to your person of choice. I don’t know where you’re located but there must be local versions of that.
While I know it is impossible, your last three sentences make me wonder if we are related. I could be your sister-in-law. I would not disapprove of getting my husband a duck. 😛
Our cats might, though…
“What do you want for Christmas?”
“I don’t know. I don’t really need anything.”
“Don’t be a pain. Just tell me what to get you.”
“Hmm… a Playstation 4?”
“Aim lower.”
“Socks?”
“Socks it is.”
[Receives slacks for Christmas.]
This is basically how that conversation went with my bf. I’m thinking boxers and jeans though.
Exact same conversation with my husband. He’s getting a message and a bottle of Scotch.
but my dad seriously was the worst. http://thehairpin.com/2014/08/gifts-my-father-gav…
Thanks for posting that! What a great read.
You really can’t go wrong with one of these: http://www.amazon.com/Sixteenth-Century-Italian-R…
Maybe I’m lucky that there’s only one adult man I have to shop for this Christmas and he’s a survivalist nut; so anything camping related, gadgety or camoflauge will work.
He was actually surprised last year that myself and his SIL both got him camping related stuff. That boy, honestly.
I’ve already got him a credit card multi-too (in camo) and some water-proof matches (from last years box o stuff actually, but they arrived in January).
However this post has reminded me that we spent an entire day looking for beard oil last year (we went Christmas sales shopping together for some reason) and couldn’t find any, so now I know what else to throw into his box o stuff this year!
Beard oil/conditioner recommendations anyone? (since I know dudes are gonna be on this post.)
Now if only my SIL was easier to buy for. So far I have sushi-socks (she likes sushi and socks.)
Eta: this man is my brother, I realize I didn’t clarify this. Brother, not some random married man I go beard oil shopping with.
If there’s a Whole Foods anywhere near you they generally have a large beard oil selection, including brands that are described as “artisan” and “small batch” if that’s what you’re after. Otherwise I think Etsy is a good place to look because there are a lot of small businesses that make skincare stuff!
I’m in London and there is actually a whole foods! Also a Shoreditch (London’s answer to Williamsburg, full of bearded men and shops supporting their beard hobby)
However I’m flying home next week and I usually fly hand luggage only, which mean liquid restrictions (I might be able to find a bottle under 50ml but that feels like a scabby gift) so I might be stuck with what can be bought at the airport or in the two days before Xmas in Dublin (I’ll probably have better luck in the airport tbh).
Hmmm.
I really like the idea that beard oil is a survivalist essential. That is all.
Isn’t it?
What self respecting man would let himself go through the Apocalypse with a wiry beard?
Beard oil recommendation:
My friend Leslie has an online shop of beautiful things and she also makes beard oil. It is apparently lovely. Her site is tenairstudios.com
My husband likes Stubble and ‘Stache, which is at very few retailers and also http://www.stubbleandstache.com.
I think Made in Brockley has beard oil, and possibly also the brockley deli? I know I walk past somewhere that advertises it
Ooh! I’ll have to have a look this weekend!
I’m stuck in this cause my husband loves to give gifts, the more thoughtful the better, but he’s embarrassed by GETTING gifts so you have to like …sneak them in? Pretend they’re not gifts?
Long story short his Christmas gift this year is me recreating a meal I described in a Captain America fanfic, that is war-time London pub food.
I was pushing my dad for gift ideas, and FINALLY he sent me this:
“Hmmmm. Bird seed, a new suet feeder, dark chocolate . . .”
Bird. seed.
BIRD! SEED!
My dad went through a phase where he was so into bird-feeding that the Wild Birds Unlimited in his area actually offered him a job cuz he hung out there so much and seemed to be so content.
I think your dad might be my mother in law.
ultimate bird dad present: bird feeder hat
My brother is a birder but he is so far gone into it that the only present left to give him is a cruise to the Galapagos, and ain’t none of us buying him that.
To repeat what others have said before me, is your dad my dad?
…Soon-to-be Mr. Valky and I may or may not have bird feeders and a compost tumbler on our wedding registry… so, this is normal, right everyone? Bird seed is the gift that dreams are made of.
Backscratcher.
My dad loves backscratchers, I’m glad to know this is a Dad thing. I already got him a pair of shoes he picked out… Next year, he gets a lovely backscratcher.
My family and I can’t really afford to do gifts this year (we are literally all broke, it is the worst money Christmas, burn in hell 2015). HOWEVER, I am an ace gift giver, ESPECIALLY FOR DADS (and often moms!).
Things pretty much any dad will be happy to get:
Socks. Not joking. Fucking warm socks. Even if you live somewhere warm, socks are practical, able to fit a variety of sizes so there’s not really any risk of embarrassment, and they’re cheap (dads like frugal).
Work gloves. Your dad might be a working gloves kind of guy. Maybe he’s a guy who likes to pretend he’s a working gloves kind of guy. Either way, you’ve implied to your dad that he IS a working gloves kind of guy, which makes him feel strong and respected.
Flashlights! Specifically, Maglights (I cannot say enough how you need to include batteries) or the wind-up emergency flashlights. This is the kind of gift that people don’t often get, but is actually really useful! It implies that you know he does things which require a flashlight, such as chasing off burglars or helping people out on the side of the road when they’ve broken down.
Food. Specifically, food like smoked meats, dried fruits, and nuts. These are foods that last a long time, and that go anywhere. He’ll think you expect him to either a) live a long time or b) die, respectfully, in the wilderness.
If your dad is a fishing guy, get him bait. Of any variety – generally, in winter (unless he’s an ice fisherman), go for solid-state bait (they have ridiculously florescent bait that smells awful, that shit works), and another option is a fishing lure. Just grab at random. He’ll think you really care.
Hunting has a similar application. If your dad hunts, get him 1) pocket hand warmers, 2) for a laugh, you can always go with the doe-in-heat spray or a terrible bird call, or 3) a hat. Like, just one of those super warm pullover hats. Basically one-fits-all and comfy.
Booze is often a good go-to. Beer is good – but try to get his tastes beforehand, because if you get him a lager when he prefers porter, it can be disappointing. Scotch is great, but expensive, so if you’re looking for a cheaper liquor, something like Gentleman Jack or maybe something like a Single Barrel whiskey should work.
Finally, this is silly, but a lot of dads *really* love pictures of their kids and grandkids. It doesn’t matter how they’re presented, but if you can get some pictures of you as a kid with your dad, and some new pictures, and put them together, most dads love that. It’s sweet and it’s something that you can share memories with. If your dad isn’t the kind you got to make memories with, giving him a glimpse into what he missed but highlighting it with what he did get to see can bring some dust into the eyes right away.
Okay now i have to leave. enjoy.
“Die, respectfully, in the wilderness.”
…HA.
I regret that I do not know any men to whom I could pay this tribute.
You have profound wisdom.
Actually, the perfect dad gift is only the question, “Dad, tell me about World War II.” And then listening for the next three hours.
I just realized that my husband has been a dad *since I met him*. One of the first things we did together after becoming parents was watch ‘Band of Brothers’ in its entirety!
Shopping for MrChouffe is SO FUCKING DIFFICULT, but this year I knocked his birthday gift out of the park (the first two years of Starlog magazine) and yay, but Xmas gifts are going to be considerably less cool than that.
ps, never switch jobs right around Xmas because that pay gap is really, really inconveniently timed
I got my husband a new push-up bra and a custom leather mask made by a friend of ours, but he is admittedly a man of unusual tastes and pastimes.
So, if people have a larger budget (or others to split the cost) you can always try The Mysterious Package Company . Weird letters, postcards, clippings and artifacts that put together to tell a paranormal-esque story. Great for X-Files and Ghost Adventures dads, possibly less so for paranoid ones.
!! I just saw this on facebook and was wondering if it was as cool as it looks. Do you have first-hand experience with it?
So, I signed my husband up for the Kickstarter one as a “Congrats on getting your double masters degree” present. We’ve only received the first mailing so far, what appears to be a page from a Finnish comic book full of weird stuff and a note that said something like, “Check this out, they tried to cover it up, but I finally found this!” My husband thought it was a friend sending him something as a joke, and posted about it on Facebook trying to find out who. Apparently future mailings include diary entries and newspaper clippings and then a sealed crate with the artifact. I can tell you the page looked very authentic, so I’m hopeful he will get engrossed in figuring out the mystery!
Thanks for the info! It is SO up my friend’s alley, but I was concerned because I had never heard anything about it except for a sketchy Facebook ad.
I can confirm it is legit!
That sounds so cool! I can’t figure out from their website how much it costs?
!!!!! so that is what that is! Someone has signed me up for that, apparently. I got an envelope with that comic book page and sticky note and I do not speak Finnish (or Norwegian, I thought it was Norwegian, what do I know? ha!). I’ve been trying to figure out why I would receive such a random piece of mail. I will now look forward to future mailings!
I too once thought socks were a sure thing.
Last Christmas, my father took me aside, and very seriously said: “No more socks. I have too many socks.” I was skeptical, of course, because they’re socks, how can you have too many? Then he opened the dresser drawer, and it was indeed overflowing with them. Dress socks, running socks, wholly winter socks. Too many.
I got him a new phone case instead.
” Let us shop for you. We come, buying. We buy, seeking. We return, empty-handed and heavy-laden. Here are the receipts. You can take it all back. Take everything back.”
My mom was literally screaming this at me over the phone the other day. “What do you WAAAAAAAANT!?”
I want to be able to pay my mortgage and eat food in the same month. I don’t know what you should buy me! How about just nothing and we just hang out?
I’ll probably end up getting a bunch of gift cards to grocery stores again.
My brother still lives with my mom, and he has been driving her nuts with not telling her anything he wants, then going out and buying a bunch of things, at least one or two of which she could’ve gotten him for Christmas.
My brother may be throttled as his Christmas present.
oh man, oh man, my best dad gifts story:
so for probably… more than ten years now, on father’s day (june) and his birthday (december), my dad will pull out his Dunkin Donuts rechargeable gift card and hand it to me or my brother so we can refill it for him (to the tune of ~20 bucks).
This is firmly in keeping with the other traditions of his No Surprises birthday- the bottle of Bailey’s, the Nat Geo subscription and boxes to store his previous year’s collection, the new cap or jacket or briefcase only if he really needs it because his current one is falling apart.
Anyways, this past week was his first birthday since I moved out of the house, and because he forgot to give me the card when I was visiting over Thanksgiving, he SENT it to me by SNAIL MAIL so that I could put $20 on it at Dunks, and give it back to him on his birthday.
WHERE IS JAYA
you forgot to add that you live maybe 20 minutes away from him and see him at least occasionally. He was not sending it across country.
Petition to replace “mortal coil” in Hamlet with “wireless meat suitcase.”
This is so brilliant. That’s all I came to say.
My dad would like a new computer that he can break in 3 months trying to “upgrade” the video card.
Instead, I will make and freeze a pot of black beans for him.
We have the same dad! The number of motherboards he’s fried in his day…
Every year my father-in-law asks for USB drives. What is he putting on there year after year. Does he have a bucket of them.
My boyfriend makes fancy USB drives so I know for a fact that they are an official Man Gift. Or maybe your father-in-law just loses them. My mom always wants USB drives but when we gave her a fancy one she put it in the china cabinet so she won’t lose it.
I feel like a troll, but here’s my boyfriend’s etsy shop in case he wants one next year. I’m commenting with my real name rather than my Intense Debate name since it’s a direct link to the real world. https://www.etsy.com/shop/cerriousdesign?section_…
I think I might be a Dad. My christmas list this year is bike parts, tools to install bike parts, a very specific brand of grease, and socks. Long johns if you really MUST.
Very specific brand of grease = excellent Dad-wishlisting.
last year mine included a very specific type of chain lube. my dad has never been happier to give me a gift in his LIFE.
This year, my boyfriend’s mother called to ask him what he wanted for Christmas, and he said “Oh, nothing really.” Then she asked him what *I* wanted for Christmas, and while I was wildly gesturing and mouthing “SHE DOESN’T NEED TO GET ME ANYTHING FOR CHRISTMAS!” he said, completely made up out of absolutely nowhere, “Oh, she’s been talking about salad spinners a lot.”
And so after he hung up I was same something to the effect of “WTF? If you’re going to make up my gift wishes, at least make up something more interesting than a salad spinner!” and it came out that HE wants a salad spinner but was embarrassed to tell his mother that fact.
I love the idea of someone just “talking about salad spinners a lot” in day-to-day life. There goes Diana_monkey, off on a salad spinner tangent again!
It’s kind of a hard topic to work in, too! “Wow, that was some GOP debate last night, eh?” “Oh yeah, it really tossed my salad. Speaking of which…” “I’m thinking of getting into disaster relief.” “I’ve got a leaf for you!” Urk.
the idea of being so ashamed of your secret lusts for salad spinners that you’d weave a web of lies wherein that would ever be a regular topic of conversation is incredible and delightful
I wish my dad were like this. Instead he asks for electronics because he knows I’ll do lots of research and pick out a good whatever it is. I appreciate the vote of confidence, but sometimes you don’t want to have to do the homework and buy the (somewhat expensive) thing and then set it up/troubleshoot it. I mean, that’s like three gifts in one.
Oddly, I do to my dad what your dad does to you. He’s always so pleased with himself when he picks exactly the correct version of the practical thing I need. (And he is also a computer programmer, so reasonably knowledge able even though he “doesn’t do hardware”)
Okay, but what do you buy for your mean grandma who dislikes everyone and everything?
This question made me think of Lucille Bluth, so…vodka?
she doesn’t drink!!!!! alcohol is my go to gift!
A birdfeeder, which she will return to you the next time she moves. I speak from experience.
If she’s anything like my grandmother was it doesn’t really matter because she will never take it out of the box and she will also never return it. When my grandmother passed away everyone basically just inherited their gifts back (my mother, memorably, bought her a VCR in 1987 so she and my grandpa could watch home movies or old movies or could watch movies with the grandkids. She offered to set it up for them. She received it back in it’s never opened box in 2003).
I feel like I know the answer to this but at the same time the correct answer is like getting the hyperactive nine-year-old a drum.
A martini and a room to herself.
(Also an excellent present for myself.)
A small mean dog so they can hate on everything together.
A fuzzy cozy blanket, or slippers. Or soft bedsheets. Even if she hates what it looks like, nobody hates softness.
I will never understand people who say they can’t think of anything they want for birthdays or Christmas. I want so many things! Practical things to save me money and unnecessary things I just want. I have so many ideas! Buy me everything!
I can usually think of things I want, but I’m always afraid they’ll be too expensive for gift givers.
For my husband I’ve gotten to the point of just buying him Star Wars related things for every birthday and Christmas. One day he will have all the Star Wars things and then where will I be?
There will be no end to Star Wars things. Especially now that Disney is involved. Worry not!
My husband WANTS things, they just tend to be things I cannot afford or do not want (we do not need the largest, flattest television on the market. We just do not).
My dad is a teacher and he is frugal, so his idea of an awesome gift to me is one he finds in the lockers at the end of the semester–battered copies of required AP novels, fleece jackets that are pilling, Tupperware and Glad ware. He pointed out, quite proudly, that he had WASHED the jacket first and that all the Tupperware had matching tops. Nothing is to good for me, his only daughter.
He ALSO loves it if I can find a gift for him alongside the road or in a dumpster. He is especially thrilled with high quality building material.
My grandfather (and to some extent my mother) really, really like to remind me that garbage is public domain. “Once you put something out in the alley/on the sidewalk it is available to anyone!”
My mom is the pianist for high school choirs. She brings home the contents of the lost and found bin regularly and regifts them. My favorite was she had found these things that looked like drinkable yogurt and saw they were gluten free (both she and I have celiac), so she brought it home so I could try it when I was there last Christmas. It was baby food. And expired.
Can… can I have a wireless meat suitcase? That sounds delightful.
Or you can just contribute to my “Cassocks in the color of every liturgical season” fund, but that may be more profession-specific than gendered. Maybe.
i only just found out in last Sunday’s sermon that Gaudete Sunday (the 3rd Sunday of Advent, traditionally observed with purple vestments as a season of fast and abstinence) used to be marked by the wearing of pink or rose coloured vestments! WHERE IS MY ROSE COLOURED CASSOCK?!
It still is! Lots of priests still wear the rose vestments on Gaudete Sunday. I love ’em.
I’m proud of my Dad gift this year – whenever I visit him and my mom, I’ve gotten in the habit of bringing snacks/treats with me to share, things I acquire in the “big city” (aka suburbs of DC) that aren’t as easy to find where they live. Things like roasted edamame, weird dried fruit, etc. My mom is a very picky eater so she always kindly abstains, but my dad, an adventurous eater with few outlets because my mom cooks all the meals at their house, is always delighted to try.
So, I’m putting together a big, weird treats box for him this year! I got some cookie butter stuff from Trader Joes, odds and ends from World Market, even wandered the snack aisle at H-Mart for some unusual goods (including one of those teeny-tiny pizzas you make with a tiny plastic spatula and microwave). Hopefully he’ll enjoy it and be able to work through it for a while, and since they’re all small quantities if he hates one option I’m hoping he won’t feel bad about just tossing it out (or donating to one of my siblings, etc.)
Excellent idea! I’m really tempted to make several batches of different-flavored macarons and tote them around (from South Bend) to Indianapolis and Atlanta for family gatherings. i”m just worried they’ll get crushed en route.
My theory is: if I buy it in the grocery section of TJMaxx and the label is in French or Italian, then it is FANCY and EXOTIC.
I love putting weird candies in everyone’s stocking! There are a few complainers, but they can never make me stop!
A SET OF RATCHETING TIE DOWNS.
IT’S NOT HARD
These are actually on my dad’s amazon list this year.
That’s your answer to everything, I’m beginning to suspect you’ve been bought by Big Ratcheting Tie-Down.
I would sell out in a heart beat if The Ratchet Man came knocking.
Ha! I am pretty sure you have made this suggestion before and I was going to do it last Christmas and never did. I think I might save this idea for his birthday though.
I am actually considering upgraded ratcheting tie downs for a Man in my life, because he usohis so often, and is frustrated by the set he owns.
…I’ve googled them and I still don’t know what they are.
They’re straps with hooks on each end and a kind of buckle in the middle that has a ratcheting mechanism; it moves forward and then is held in place by a pawl sticking into a little gear. So when you need to secure something–say, a bookshelf that you’re going to carry on top of your car–you drape the straps over it, hook the ends into something, and then ratchet that sucker down tight (you’d need at least two for a bookcase though). When you want to let them go you just release the pawl and the straps loosen. They really are kind of great.
I like to get my dad a gift certificate to see some musical theatre. That way he gets several months of fun choosing what to see, figuring out all the ways to download the cast recording, and telling me about it (“Do you still have Prime? Because it’s on Prime. Pandora ‘Book of Mormon’ radio is good, too!”).
My mom does not want things, and increasingly does not like experiences either, so I usually make a donation to our local library in her name.
My husband, thankfully, LOVES ties, cufflinks, and little knick-knacky things. Plus a nice new Lord of the Rings art book came out this year, so we’re all set.
I will not be having this problem this year as there are zero men in my life. And I was also told that I was responsible for ruining Christmas, so you can all blame it on me if your gifts are not well-received.
Lack of men sounds like an A+ gift to yourself, tho.
gif of Julie Andrews spinning around on the meadow. But I don’t know how to insert this.
I’ve accepted that I may never top the present I got my dad for fathers day this year (the tall ships/ spaceships tee shirt shared by someone on this very website), which is probably his favorite thing I’ve ever purchased for him ever. You guys are expert dad gifters, basically.
remarkably, my dad is not the hard one to shop for. He usually gives a list and is always wanting “fun” dress socks, polo shirts with a pocket (ridiculously hard to find), tic tacs, and various theology related books. The difficult one is my brother-in-law who rarely gives a list and for whom I have accidentally bought the same thing two years in a row to his amusement and my shame.
Pretty sure I’m your dad. Polos with a pocket are elusive but so worth the effort to find, and I am not ashamed of the monkey socks I bought to wear while making sock monkeys.
Buy him flowers or a nice plant, it works for my Dad.
I have tried for years, YEARS, to buy my dad a gift he would love. USC Trojans paraphernalia, cool sufer dude stuff (he used to be a cool surfer dude), skateboards, man things, dad things, etc. Finally I give up and regift him a bottle of red wine last year, and he cried.
HE. CRIED.
I need to know more about this story! Did he cry because he did not like the gift or because it was somehow perfect???
He cried because it was perfect!! I don’t get it!! My dad is the kind of dude who will call me and make up songs on the spot, so he’s pretty hard to predict.
Yeah, my dad asked for grandkids and a Donald Trump toupee. I know EXACTLY what he wants, I’m just not going to get it for him.
A tshirt and a can of beer.
The first year my sister & BIL were married, I bought him one of those little caskets with frankincense and myrrh (no gold–) because they were (and are) very Christian and, though I am not Christian, I thought it would be a nice little gift. He was polite, but distant (which could be the refrain for most of our interactions). So I after that got him a desk calendar for work with dogs or quote of the day or something.
Fast forward twenty years or so. I was talking to my sister and she made an offhand remark about how much he had liked the frankincense and myrrh. I was ‘oh, really?’ She said he had enjoyed it, and they had put some in the fire in their fireplace every so often until it ran out.
Hmm. Gift idea! But the little gift caskets are now wildly expensive, but I managed to find an online source (mountainroseherbs) that has as responsibly sourced frankincense and myrrh as one could expect, and I bought him a half pound of each, which was affordable, even with shipping. They came in boring plastic bags, but there they were.
He opened them, and was polite but distant. eh, my sister said you liked them, sigh. But, about an hour later, one of my nephews came up and said, ‘Dad took pictures of the plastic bags and put them on FB.’ ha! So guess what he now gets for Christmas every year?
The only successful gift we’ve ever given my father-in-law was fake money from Colonial Williamsburg. Father-in-laws are even harder to shop for than regular fathers, because at least I had the advantage of growing up with my dad, whereas the F-i-L is hardwired to dislike anything from THAT TROLLOP HIS SON MARRIED
a Slate Plus membership so he can get more Mallory as Dear Prudence.
Or, if you must, an ESPN.com Insiders membership, I guess
A+ Gertrude Stein-ing there. Would read again would *read* again would read *again.*
The answer is non-fiction books about disasterous mountain climbing expeditions and foodstuffs made by the Amish. Never fails.
I no longer get my dad a gift (he’s ok with it, shipping to China is $$$$ and he hates having excess stuff), but brothers can be just as bad. Both of them have the “hating excess stuff” gene from my dad, one doesn’t really have hobbies (MD/PHD programs can do that to you) and the other is really just into his car or tinkering with mechanical things. I have a small budget and it’s always hard to figure them out.
I don’t know if you’re looking for gift ideas, but your brother who likes cars would probably appreciate a magnetic parts bowl (a metal bowl with a magnetized bottom for holding loose screws etc.)–it’d be useful and show you understand his interests. Plus, they’re pretty cheap (most seem to be $4-20).
That is an excellent idea! Thank you!
M. Siniichulok is notoriously hard to shop for. I used to just find the loudest plaid in Lands End, which he would wear enthusiastically with all his other loud plaids together (I think it’s funny, so it won’t be an issue until our kid is a teenager), but since the Canadian dollar plummeted, he doesn’t want me shopping on American websites until we move there. Which makes sense, I guess. He likes geography, though, even though he insists he doesn’t want presents. So for his birthday I got him a fancy black-and-gold world map where you can scratch off the countries you’ve visited. He was polite about it (until my BIL saw it behind us and admired it on Skype; now he thinks it’s cool), but he was over the moon about the old-fashioned-looking birthday card I made him, that had us and our toddler and our two cats on it. He has it on display and shows it to everyone and praises my drawing skills. So maybe the key is to make him stuff.
This year, one of my brothers casually asked that we not give him any more gifts that are desk-related (basically, little toys/gadgets that go on his computer desk where he spends most of his time), and he might as well have cancelled Christmas entirely, we were FURIOUS. Dude is impossible to shop for (limited interests and extremely particular tastes), and the desk theme was the only life raft we were clinging to! Pretty sure he’ll be getting an assortment of gift cards.
I truly appreciate the genius and intent of this piece, but I ALSO really love a good Dad story. And so I bring you mine of the Best Gift Ever Gifted to My Dad (mostly because I so loved reading other people’s).
Backstory: When my dad was in his merry twenties, he bought an electric bass guitar that he went on to love and cherish for nigh on four decades. It was an Ibanez Black Eagle with a METAL (in a 70’s way) mother-of-pearl inlaid eagle, and man, it meant a lot to him. My brother and I grew up with the sound of that bass thrummin’. Then a few years ago, my parents had a burglary, and the bass was stolen. He was heartbroken. We all wanted to replace it for him, but it’s a vintage piece now, and there was no way we could have afforded it.
Then this year, the year my dad turned 60, that bass model turned 40, and the makers decided to reissue it in a limited anniversary edition. I found out half by chance (I’ve been googling that bass regularly for several years), and I was so excited. As the new version turned out to be reasonably affordable, my mum and brother and I bought it for him for his birthday. I gotta tell you: I’ve seldom seen dad that happy.
I’d made a nice card saying how we hoped the new instrument would remind him of his glory days and youthful gigs, but would also be used for playing lullabies for his future grandkids as he once did for us, and I asked him to read it aloud. It took some tries, but when he’d finally got through half of it, his voice broke, and his eyes brimmed over with happy dadness. When he put the bass in his old case, it fit snug as a glove, and looking at him you could just see how a hole had been filled in his very soul. It was a glorious moment.
For Christmas he’s back to wanting socks and ‘happy children’, but we’re probably gonna live off the success and gift him bass stands and straps and tuners for many years to come. Last year we did okay, too, and bought a Walt Disney/Malt Whiskey T-shirt (he’s a big fan of both).
Ahh you made me cry. A+ dad story. Good work.
My dad asked for a new popcorn maker to replace his that broke. Previous years I’ve given him stuff to try to keep him alive: ladders that aren’t broken, snowblower, etc.
He complains I’m impossible to shop for. I have an Amazon list with stuff on it for seven years, but he says he doesn’t want to buy that stuff. I tried to explain it was my list, but he doesn’t understand.
I don’t get my dad anything because he doesn’t like anything I get him, even when it’s perfect, and so far in the few years I’ve been doing this he has not seemed to notice.
My mom says to always get men alcohol but unfortunately most of the men I know are alcoholics.
Maybe because all anyone ever gives them is alcohol.
I’m poor this year, so I’m deciding between giving my dad bacon or making him an ornament that looks like a barbecue sandwich.
I was talking just the other day with my gay guy friend about what it is like to date a straight man. They are every last one of them into something on the order of sports/fitness, video games, cars, barbecuing, beer/home brewing or other alcohol, computers, film, vintage tshirts, bicycles, records, weed, politics, guns, sci fi/comic books or porn. If you can figure out the one thing that particular guy is into, you’re in. There are a few outliers, like a new age guy who is into veganism or yoga but even those buckets are pretty defined. This is not to say that every guy is only into the one thing, but whatever it is, they are DEEPLY into it. As a female, I have my quirks, I have about nine practically identical black leather hobo bags, each one more gigantic than the last. And I love them all. So I get it that we are all weird. It’s just that men are a particular type of weird that is all their own.
One year, my mom gave my dad Team of Rivals – he opened it and reminded her she had given him Team of Rivals last year.
As a 64 year old dude who reads The Toast regularly, I humbly submit this bit of guidance: http://aboutpops.com/about-pops/2015/11/25/tis-th…
I knew for sure this list was the real deal when it mentioned Duncan.
Comfy socks, underwear, undershirts.. I got my dad these and he hid them from my mom so she wouldn’t get jealous that he got “new undergarments.” Another year saved! Now time to stress over another idea for this year..
Normally I am jealous and feel like a poor 19th century orphan looking in the windows while I read Toast posts about dads, but on this one I get to be smug about basically not having a dad* because I don’t have to worry about this! HA! In your face, children of worthy and kind men!
(*I mean, obviously I have a biological father, but due to many horrid circumstances best not discussed, I am estranged from him and would prefer not to ever have to see him again. I am dreading the inevitable day when my grandmother dies.)
Yes. I’m with you. God bless everyone with nice parents.
I asked my brother what he wanted for Christmas.
He responded with an amazon link for a thing that is on sale for 15 dollars and he swears he didn’t send the link to anyone else.
He is my favourite right now.
i am for real printing out this article and giving it to my partner’s brother for christmas. ALSO I LOVE EVERYONE IN THESE COMMENTS.
my dad’s birthday is the day after christmas. the only things he consistently enjoys getting are toll house cookies and sandalwood soap – THERE ARE THREE OF US AND ONLY TWO OPTIONS.
My Christmas gift to my husband is gallbladder surgery! The gift that keeps on giving!
It really does! It’s what I got for Christmas last year and this Christmas I am going to eat all the honey baked ham I want without pain!!
This is absolutely perfect! No one knows what to get men. As a teen I worked retail at a fancy engraving store in a mall and every Christmas there would be a parade of women of all ages asking me, a seventeen year old, “What was a good gift for a man?” The hell? I was seventeen! I sold so many money clips, pocket watches, and cufflinks, which I always found funny because my own dad would be like “The hell is this?” if I ever got him a money clip.
My dad is pretty easy to buy for. He wants a book related to Lincoln – referred to as “late breaking Lincoln.” Failing the publishing of a new Lincoln book, a book on the Civil War, another American president, or a book about some item that has the tagline “changed the world” is an acceptable substitute. Ex: Cod: The Fish That Changed the World.
He has honestly read every book on Lincoln at this point. He once caught an error in a book he was reading; it was that it reported John Wilkes Booth assassinated Lincoln wearing all black, when in fact he was wearing brown boots.
As a dad, I am using many of these comments as a list of things not to do.
Personally, I like getting the weird stuff my kids make in kindergarten, especially if it has to be explained or has some kind of complicated story to go with it.
A signed first edition of something that he believes Hemmingway might have approved of, if you interpret his eyebrows and drink selections correctly.