“squar squar squar squar squarl”
“huh-HUNFH”
“sclef sclef sclef cakkhah”
“scleeehhh”
“sklaaaanx”
“heffun-heffun skuh”
[dead silence] “KLENH”
“snuhhhhh”
“brenkle-BREH”
[mid-dream while napping on couch] “fuffle-funff, BERNP”
“ha-KAKH”
“skekkle”
[walking across the floor the day before grooming appointment] “klekkle-klekkle-KLINKEH-klekkle”
“sklonkle”
[settling into bed] “mrrrrrrph. mrrrr.”
*writes blank check to The Toast, slides under door*
My dog does this great noise when you pick her up to put her out
Ehhhhh hnnnnnn ugghhhnnnnnn
I guess it’s her idea of a growl without the rumble that would actually make it a growl
My old dog also makes this noise when picked up! On the other hand, he growls his grumpy old-man growl about 85% of the time, so by comparison the grunting sounds almost cheerful.
My (also very old) dog has perfected a snort that she deploys when she is displeased but knows she shouldn’t bark. I call it her “harrumph.” It sounds remarkably like my mother’s noise of disapproval.
My old dog used to do that. It was a very silly noise, we called it her “polite bark,” because she would employ it either when she was trying very hard not to bark, or when she wanted to be let back in from outside but hadn’t been waiting long enough to warrant a proper bark.
Yes! Like a polite cough. *barkahem*
My dad’s dog has a polite bark and it is adorable. When she wants your attention she’ll come over and put her (super heavy) paw on your leg. If that does not gain her the attention she desires, she will whisper-bark at you. It’s just like a regular bark but barely above a whisper in volume. And finally if that doesn’t work she will get a little louder. But let’s be real she’s never had to do more than the polite bark to me because it slays me and then I have to give her all the pets, so.
My cat does something like that, but it’s a sort of delicate trill/chirp. Usually accompanied by veeeeeery carefully reaching one paw out towards me, in a sad and waif-like way.
My cat does this too! It’s delightful.
She almost never actually touches me when she does this, btw. She hesitantly extends her paw me-wards, but only makes contact if I’ve ignored her several times already.
P.S. It’s this:
It’s the delicate bark of a sheep on a distant hillside.
*pops & vanishes in a puff of euphoria*
(unexpected Wodehouse references always do that to me.)
One endeavors to give satisfaction.
My mother’s dog just straight up “harrumph”s at people. You’ll be sitting there minding your own business, then the next thing you know an elderly standard poodle is at your elbow, harrumphing and gazing at you disdainfully before turning and walking away.
Your mother’s poodle will be played by Maggie Smith in the film adaptation.
I want you to know that I am now picturing your dog as Madame Suliman’s dog from Howl’s Moving Castle.
(I am not a pet person, but if I were I would like to have that dog.)
hinh!
My dog had a very polite “pay attention to me” grunt with a glottal stop in it, so it ended up being something like
Ghnh-GHNH.
My cat makes amazing noises such as: “Brawmph!” when he talks to birds or is excited for tuna treats. “Oof” when he headbutts me or sits. My favorite is his staccato pigeon trill when he is about to jump in my lap or when I say his name.
My parents’ cat had a particular sound reserved just for tuna. It was like a trill from deep in her throat. They loved it and she always scored some tuna if she did it. She would sit at my mom’s feet and lift up one paw, her entire body intensely focused on tuna.
One of my cats makes this awesome chirpy trill noise when she’s chasing something. We used to call it her “bug noise,” because she’d do it if she saw a fly or whatever, but now it’s started to apply to toy mice and other things as well. She also likes to walk around the house with a toy mouse in her mouth, somehow meowing loudly around it, to show off that she’s caught it.
One of mine does the loud meow of “I’ve caught something, be proud of me” exclusively in the middle of the night. At first it was so loud and unexpected I’d wake up in a panic, worried she’d hurt herself, but now it’s more like “yes, good job killing your catnip mouse Han Solo, tell me in the morning.”
Mine too!! It’s usually just after I’ve gone to bed – lights out but I’m still awake. She’ll start yelping from the other room and won’t shut up until I call back to her. Cats!
My cat does that eerie meowing around her toy as well, usually late at night. It’s her way of saying pay attention to me!
Full same, whenever my cats kill the Small Orange Alien or the Ikea Rat they sing a triumphant, eerie song. Only ever at 5 am.
The youngest cat once ate a penny and alerted us to his distress via horrible yowling, which unfortunately sounds exactly like the “I Killed the Alien” song. Even though I know, i still have to go check on them to make sure no one’s swallowed any currency.
My cat does that almost exclusively when I’ve been reading such things as “speculation about what Hannibal Lecter keeps in his murder basement.”
the first time i heard my cat do that, as a child, i told my mother ‘the cat is barking!’
My Siamese straight up sighs when she isn’t getting what she wants.
Our big orange boy on the other hand, makes what we call “beep boop” noises when he’s not singing mournful songs about how much he wants to come in the bedroom.
One of my previous cats had perfected the “put upon sigh” and would deploy it at appropriate times. Like when we weren’t petting him. Or when the kitten was being especially annoying. I miss that cat.
My cat actually comes when I call him (usually). He will let out a long meow as he trots toward me, and his belly sort of flops to and fro, and the meow comes out all staccato and it’s hilarious.
My cat will sometimes meow at me while he’s trotting downstairs and the staccato of it is just about the best.
My cat says “oof”!!!! it is one of two distinct words she knows that are clear words and not just noises she makes with her face. every time she jumps down to the floor off of something she is not supposed to be on, she says it.
she will also yell at me when I try to train her out of yowling for attention by ignoring her. I don’t know how else to describe it, she just hunches down and puts her ears back and yells. petulant and loud. it’s a hell of a thing.
I never knew joy until I heard my cat say “oof”
My cat makes baby pterodactyl noises a lot.
<3 I miss our very old dog. <3
I miss my very old dog too.
what a cool dog. I aspire to that level of coolness.
my cat makes a sound when he receives unexpected affection that is surprised/disgruntled/acquiescent. it is definitely “ugh ok *fiiiine*” in his language.
also, you know how when a squeaky toy or something drops and it makes a muffled version of its regular sound? Falcor makes a muffled cat sound when he lands after jumping. “mrrrw” instead of “mrowr.” it’s great. he’s perfect.
This makes me miss my in-laws’ old cocker spaniel so much. Tasha made ALL THESE NOISES and she was the best dog once she realized I was the Bringer of Neck Massages and not an axe murderer.
My partner has an epileptic bichon who is the sweetest, stupidest, most loving tiny lil roughly-assembled ball of hair in the world. He likes to snuggle up on your pillow with his head resting on your head and wait until both he and you have drifted ALMOST COMPLETELY asleep before giving a sudden and violent sneeze as loud as caninely possible right in your earhole and swiping you convulsively in the face with his nails.
I have two Bichon mixes, neither epileptic, but each has their own, unique sound.
Dexter has the reverse sneeze, which looks and sounds exactly like a human person panic attack. It nearly always comes on when he gets startled or excited. I have only had a few panic attacks in my life, and all were seemingly silent, but if they had had a soundtrack, I think they would have sounded exactly like his reverse sneeze thing.
Darby has this thing that she does when she is deeply pleased and excited but not overly frenetic about it. It sounds similar to the tone of a wise, Southern grandmother who is ruffling your hair while you go to sleep. Slow, whirring, with peaks of delight.
I can’t describe sounds, so here is a picture of my dogs.
I want to see a picture of this dog plz.
sounds like your dog is ready to draxx them sklounst
also my cat says “mrrrrrrph” when you startle him and it is the cutest sound ever and makes me want to spend all my time hiding behind doors and jumping out at him
Murphy will fireboard those motherjammers.
Because with great power, comes great respronsitrillitrance.
this proves again that I never regret googling random jargon that sounds like it COULD be a quote, in the Toast comments.
Murphy gon get his Bergeron.
THIS is the quality content I come to the Toast for!
I’m a big fan of the sneeze and then immediate wild rolls side to side on her back my Aussie does.
“OH GOD WHAT JUST HAPPENED THERE WAS AN EXPLOSION IS EVERYBODY ALRIGHT”
My old dog’s best noises were (long, human-like sigh) followed by (howling soulfully along with my violin playing while sitting on my feet).
Some other good dog noises:
My god-dog, as she is about to fall asleep in the bed next to me: “hn hn hn hn hn hn hn hn hn hn hn hn” (repeat indefinitely, then start loudly snoring)
A Boston bull terrier of which I am very fond, but which resembles a small amphibious hellbeast: “SNRFFS” (read as wetly as possible)
We had a dog that did the long, human-like sighs. It was like he was saying “I’m too old for this shit” or “if you must,” but in the most judgmental way possible. He would also howl mournfully with sirens.
Dog sighs are so great. I think my favorite dog sound ever is a tie between put-upon “FINE I’ll get up” sigh and soul-deep-soothing, falling asleep in doggy bed sigh.
My cat makes that sigh when she cuddles up on my chest after work. It’s very “finally, I can rest” as if she hasn’t slept in days.
My (getting to be) elderly pug will grunt if you squeeze her mid-hug. She is a delight.
My parents have a herd of French Bulldogs. They make all the sounds, and I love it! Their old man, Ripley, has a noise he makes specifically when you enter the house, if you take too long to get down on the floor and pet him, along the lines of “rrrrrrooowlrrrrroooooowlrrroooowlll….”
Our first Frenchie, TickTock, had a noise we referred to as The Foghorn. If he approached for scritches, and was ignored for what he believed to be too long, he would make this “sknxxxAAAAWKHnfff” sort of noise, just to make sure you knew he was there.
SknxxxAAAAWKnfff sounds like the noise my office-mate makes when his sinuses are bothering him.
(I don’t mind because I have frequent sinus problems myself. I think there’s something allergenic about the office.)
My former flatmate’s cat made the most adorable sounds while asleep. Tiny aborted snoring-snorts, like sn-hh-hh-hh. I can’t believe I could miss a cat’s snoring so much.
OMG cat snoring is the best. I often look around to see where my cat is, and then I hear tiny snores issuing forth from under the bed. She sounds exactly like adorable cartoon snoring, like Jerry from Tom & Jerry.
I have one podficcer I enjoy listening to, and I swear, in one recording there’s cat or possibly dog snoring in the background. I listen to this fic over and over again… for the snoring.
I love my cat’s snores, almost as much as I love the gentle wheezy noises he makes when he purrs especially hard.
hey where’d your intensedebate account go? you had it working and everything 🙂
I’m at work pretending to not read the Toast…. it’s not real procrastination if I’m not logged in… right? Also, it’s strangely pleasing that you noticed. 😀
I had a foster cocker who was obsessed with tv. She even had programming preferences. People yelling and explosions were must-see tv. If she didn’t like what I was watching, she would start in by making big, melodramatic sighs, then add in a little “hmphhs” and micro-whines. When she was truly fed up, she would start patting my hand, then the remote control while giving me the cocker spaniel eyes until I gave in and changed it to Agents of SHIELD or whatever.
My dog is also obsessed with TV but only responds to animals. If even a flicker of a dog paw is on the screen she is up and crying at the television. There are certain commercials that she has memorized that star animals and if she hears them she will come running in from the other room.
She’s so attuned to it that she once barked at a CARTOON DOG. Which just boggled my mind….she can tell that the cartoon is supposed to be an animal?
what’s the story, Lichbone~what’s this you’re coughing up~
DAMN IT WHY DID I ONLY THINK OF THIS A WEEK LATER such a big expectoration~for such a little puuup~
My cat, Beast, always makes a really defiant sounding “mrrEHup” sound when she jumps, which really helps to emphasize her general disdain and critical demeanor.
My mystery spaniel mix does a precise imitation of Dr. Zoidberg’s whooping noise when she’s sleep-barking. Her name is Leela. I do not see this as a coincidence.
Awww. Our beloved mystery poodle mix used to do tiny “yips” while sleep barking which was extra hilarious because his awake bark was a deep, hoarse “awow” that made him sound twice as big as he actually was.
The older of our dogs has the “life is so hard” long sigh perfected (even though he lives a charmed life).
The best sound my childhood dog ever made was that of a put-upon squeaky toy when my cat startled, jumped out of my arms, and mistakenly landed on dog. Since the cat and the dog, a Lhasa Apso, probably weighed about the same, I can’t exactly blame her, but I still thought it was hilarious enough to remember over a decade later.
My family adopted a Golden when I was growing up who didn’t quite get how barking worked. Our old Golden, who was still around when she joined us, would bark merrily as a greeting when someone came home, and she eventually started to join in. You know that little “bwoof” noise dogs make when they’re just starting to bark? When their mouths aren’t quite open and they’re mostly just blowing air through their dewlaps? That’s what she did. Just lots of little “bwoof” sounds.
Goldens make such wonderful noises- I love their “mrrrrrrghmrrrrrrgh” of happiness when they get snuggles. I love them so much but they are so overbred. Thankfully the wondergul temperament seems to show up in crosses so I think it should be easier to get a healthy dog with that personality.
Oh man, retriever/anything mixes are so great.
My very old golden would purr when you pet her <3
That’s what my dog does! I’ve heard her for real bark less than 5 times in 2 years, but she boofs and whuffs and makes other such expressive noises constantly.
My very old dog sneezed and farted at the same time this morning.
My dog is basically mute, but the woman who fostered her said that one night, after the dog had been silent for the entire summer they’d had her, her husband came home late at night and the dog let out a bone-chilling howl until she realized he wasn’t an intruder, then curled up and went back to sleep smugly, and hasn’t made a sound since. I live in anticipation of her barkening.
My dog has howled precisely once. I think it even scared her.
My old dog tries to purr.
Huuuurrrrrrr
Huuurrrrrrrr
Like that.
My dog has a yawn noise that he makes; and the most yappy of yappiest barks.
However, my horse groans when he poos. Its not an age thing, he’s done it since day one (I got a serious surprise and thought he was dying for about 5 seconds) and I’m not sure if he does it because he’s so lazy that even the act of having a poo is a burden or just because he enjoys having a poo. I suspect its due to laziness, he’s a grunter when asked to exert himself (Seriously, every jump involves a dramatic ‘humphg’)
I don’t know if anyone here has heard a very large horse groan; its almost like a cow’s moo, but deeper and he can’t keep it going for a surprisingly long time. Its great though, because you can be at the other end of the barn and hear him and know he’s healthy! The day he stops eating or pooing is the day he’s lost the will to live.
He does it the same what every time too: *deep breath* NNNNNNNNNnnnnnnngggggggggggggggggggggg *plop plop plop* and then back to eating.
I had a horse who did that while peeing. If you were in the tack room and didn’t know what it was, it sounded positively apocalyptic. I would just tell the horrified people around me “Shadow just really, really enjoys relieving himself, it’s totes ok!”
He would also routinely poop in his water bucket, then glare at me when I came by because, oh nos! His bucket was contaminated. He wasn’t too bright.
This same horse would also put on a show of melodramatic sighing when it became clear that I was getting him out of his stall to be tacked up and not turned out.
A mare I rode in HS pretended to be collapsing when I tightened the girth. The first time I panicked and tried to hold her up while shouting for the barn manager. After fake out #3 or 4, she figured out I knew what was up and quit. *hands* HORSES.
also I love the landing-a-jump whorfle of many horses I have known. *entirely different tone* HORSES.
Oh my god, Mallory’s dog reminds me of the elderly lapdog from Howl’s Moving Castle! That dog had the most delightful wheezes.
eagerly awaiting Sarah Jeong’s take on this piece.
These are all satisfying noises and completely explicable.
My dog’s dream bark is a weird Steamboat Willie-ish squeak, though she is not a small dog. She also is a champion heaver of sighs, and delivers commentary on many things with a combination of sighs and rumbly “woo” and “huh” noises.
My 11 year old dog has a very specific “Huuuuuff” that she employs in different tones and lengths in order to convey her wishes.
For example if she wants me to wake up in the middle of the night and get her water she goes right up to my ear and almost whispers “whuuuf”
But if she sees her harness and wants to go out it’s almost an angry sneeze along the lines of “HARRUPH”
Dogs man, they’ve got multitudes.
When partner and I hug and don’t allow the dog to join in, he does his polite bark (“Guys, did you know I am here and available for hugs?”) followed by this sigh when he realizes we’re ignoring him on purpose. It’s cute, although his need to be included in everything is very male. He also moves your hand (with his nose and paw) if you aren’t petting him where he would prefer.
I used to live with a dog who would say “Huh?”
Pet noises! The darling Airedale/Portuguese waterdog/??? mix I used to dogsit would try to wake me up in the morning by staring at me and whuffle-ing gently at me. If I didn’t react to that he’d gradually creep closer to me across the king-sized bed, without ever taking his hind legs off the floor because he wasn’t allowed on the bed, gently whuffling the whole way. He also snored like a full-grown man which freaked me out the first time. And he would start the night out sleeping up against the wall to the left of the bed, then roll in his sleep in a half-circle until he ran into the wall on the right side of the bed at which point he would get up, walk around to the other side and start all over. I loved him SO MUCH. Such a good dog.
I laughed harder at this than anything I have read on the Toast. My dog is very vocal but I could never do the do that Mallory does.
My aunt has an elderly chihuahua named Herbert who never learned how to properly bark and instead makes chipmunk noises whenever he is scared or displeased – which is always. He’s also nearly hairless and very rotund – he’s not so much fat as its how his ribs are shaped, and he has a permanent chubby neck wrinkle like a football player past his prime. Really, picture a curmudgeonly old chihuahua named Herbert and you will conjure his exact image, he’s the most Herbert-ish dog I’ve ever met.
For some reason I read ‘chihuahua’ as ‘chinchilla’ and only realized by the end of your comment that you were, in fact, talking about a dog. Up until then I’d been surprised that chinchillas were supposed to learn how to bark and thinking “Huh, I’d’ve thought chipmunk noises were pretty standard, guess I don’t know much about chinchillas”.
The Sheltie we had when I was growing up would come in to my room if I was late getting up, put her nose right in my face, sniff, and then snorfle/sneeze right in my face. My dad thought it was HI-larious, so if my door was shut, he’d open it for her. Whenever I hear a dog make that sound, I’m happy (I was *not* happy about it growing up).
The next Sheltie they had, if my mom was staying up late, once she realized my mom wasn’t going to bed, she’d lay down next to my mom’s chair with this huge sigh. That was a different sigh from the one she’d make while sleeping sometimes. And she made the best arrn arrn arrn sound when she was pretending to bite you. We’d do this thing where I’d put my foot on the right side of her face, and she’d lean on it and pretend to bite it, then I’d switch to the left side, repeat. She’d do this until my legs got tired, making that cute arrn arrn arrn noise. She was the best dog.
It’s not a noise, but she’d also politely take any food you gave her, even if she didn’t want it. If she didn’t want it, she’d discretely go into the dining room and drop it under the table. She was *very* polite.
My coworker brings her dog to work with her, and that dog has the politest, most delicate way of taking treats I’ve ever seen. Although we’re not allowed to give her treats anymore, as she was getting chubby and has picked up bad begging habits.
(The dog is also our unofficial greeter, and is very good at it)
We had an elderly dog who would plod into the living room, go “HGGMMPH” loudly and flop onto the ground.
Oh man, I love the whuffle dogs make as they flop down to sleep.
The mrrrrrrph. mrrrr sound dogs make when settling down is the cutest noise
My bestie has a large black Lab whose most common statement when I am over is a throaty, deep, extended “ROROROROROROROROR.” Sometimes it decays into a gravelly “RRRRRRRRRRN.”
I have had a remarkably stressful day, you guys (I had to talk to a bunch of people! Which goes with the sales associate job, yes, but still. I was using spreadsheet updating as a nice relaxing break in between bouts of human interaction), and this remains exactly what I needed.
Lovin' this comment thread and the cat chirp transcriptions. My cat also mainly communicates in chirps, varying between falling intonation (when she's surprised to be woken, when she lands after jumping down from something, when she settles into a new napping position) and rising intonation (when she wants me to throw a toy I'm holding, when she feels she's being unfairly ignored, when we've had eye contact for more than five seconds and I'm still failing to read her thoughts).
Someone ought to do phonetic transcriptions of various cat sounds. I'd take framed prints of those over pinspirational quotes every day.
Oh god, I love those completely exhausted-sounding sighs dogs do, as if they're so put upon.
I remember hearing my beloved (now departed) border collie / lab mix softly whoofle in his sleep. He sounded like a cross between a snoring muppet and a dog who has figured out how to bark sotto voce. <3
My roommate’s “dog” (I say “dog” because although he is ostensibly a pit bull/basset hound mix, he looks more like a goblin or half-assed changeling) makes the most astonishing sounds.
When he wants to be let up on the bed/sofa, he will go, “OooooOOOOONNNN. Uuuuuuuuuhhhhhhnnnnnn. OooooooOOOUURRRR.” until you cave and let him up. Bless his smelly, hairy, anxious little heart, I love him.