Joyless Children’s Games in Western Art History

by Mallory Ortberg · February 17, 2016

joy1

no, Elizabeth 
I cannot let you play with the hoop 
it is so great a diversion you would be overcome with delight and swoon dead away

 

joy2

Thomas says holding the miniature portraits is every bit as frolicsome as having the circle and stick
Thomas is a damned liar

 

joy3

the hoop will roll
and the stick will push 
and i will run behind 
and nothing will change
nothing will ever change

 

joy4

yes, it pops out of the box every time 
excessively diverting
is this all you do all day, Charles?

 

joy5

and this will be my life, then

 

joy6

blocks can only alleviate sorrow
they cannot cure

 

joy7

a jump rope, a noose 
no difference
no difference

 

joy8

if only i could jump away from myself

 

joy9

who is really being controlled here 
which is the toy and which is the boy
in the end, perhaps it does not matter

 

joy10

riding you means nothing
perhaps even cruelty has lost its zest, now at the end

 

joy11

I don’t 
I think perhaps I don’t want to wear matching Orientalist garb as we ride imaginary horses into the Bosporus any longer

 

joy12

please end this

[Images via here]

Mallory is an Editor of The Toast.


110 Comments

  1. aravisthequeen +128

    This may be the right place to confess that in fourth grade we did a unit on colonial America and played colonial games, which is why I was the only nine year old on my street with a hoop to roll and a little hoop with ribbons to play Graces. (You have a hoop about the size of a dinner plate and two sticks, maybe a foot long each, and you toss the hoop back and forth by crossing the sticks and catching it on the sticks. It’s tailor made for putting eyes out.) I was a very weird kid but I loved playing with those things SO much.

    I also had a ball-in-cup toy and a Jacobs Ladder, so maybe my parents were just incredibly old fashioned. Like 1790s fashioned. Who knows.

    1. ppyajunebug +61

      WE DID THAT TOO. The hoop was not nearly as fun to roll as I thought it would be from reading the Felicity books.

      1. aravisthequeen +31

        I loved it! Although I have no idea what the neighbors thought at the little girl playing a game from 200 years ago.

    3. friendofdaja +34

      I did this too! Hoop rolling was my favorite (probably a combined love of Felicity and a childhood spent around historical New England stuff). And I had a graces set! I wanted a hoop so badly, but it was too expensive (which is weird, considering they were basically repurposed trash in the 1700s)

    4. typewriterandgramophone +19

      We did this as Junior Volunteers at local museums! (Except one lady didn’t want us to have the sticks for the hoops because we could poke our eyes out so we had to push them with our hands.) My Graces game was strong.

      1. bighairnoheart +30

        I did that as a junior docent too! …except I think Graces eventually morphed into Contact Graces, a much more violent and bruising sport. Many ribbons and tiny hoops met their end that way.

    5. bighairnoheart +31

      I too am part of this exclusive sisterhood. Jacobs ladders, hoops, graces, cup and ball, bullroarers, slightly alarming rag dolls with no faces, hobby horses, tops that had to be whipped, a full range of carved flintlock muskets and swords…

      My parents didn’t actually start reenacting until I was in middle school, but possibly that’s just because they needed the first fourteen years and the first three kids as a test period for all their old fashioned notions and baubles.

      1. aravisthequeen +18

        My parents aren’t even reenactors. I have no idea where all these toys came from. Out of the ether, maybe.

        1. bighairnoheart +32

          I don’t know where mine came from either. We lived in Germany for most of the time. Were they getting bulk shipments from Colonial Williamsburg? My mother’s general aesthetic as a young wife/new mom seems to have been a mix of 80s new wave and Little House on the Prairie and, honestly, I’m surprised my childhood wasn’t even stranger than it was.

    6. aurorabirdialis +10

      Did your parents happen to go to Cracker Barrel often? I also ended up with a number of these old-fashioned toys and it is largely because of Cracker Barrel.

      1. aravisthequeen +9

        I could not say, but I would probably bet with reasonable certainty that my parents have never set foot in a Cracker Barrel in their lives. They’re just strange, I think.

      1. sneepsnake +24

        The jacks, if they were anything like mine, migrated out of the little pouch and set traps for the unwary who needed to use the bathroom in the middle of the night.

      2. mspym +22

        We were big on knucklebones in my primary school (like jacks but no ball) BUT I was the only kid in school whose knucklebones were actual bones from dead animals and not made of metal. Gosh i really was the most popular kid!

      3. popelizbet +36

        My mother, quite wisely, kept executive possession of the jacks at all times they were not being played, because she was not about that caltrop life.

    8. Jules +20

      As an 8-12 year old girl I got to volunteer at the local living history village in the summers. And it was a dream come true! Not every child was excited to spend her hot summer days clad in petticoats, boots, an apron, and a bonnet going to a one room school house to recite multiplication tables. But I sure did!

      Hoop and stick, graces, corn husk dolls were my jam!

      I miss the good old days. You know, the 1890s kind of days.

      1. popelizbet +8

        I went to a day program in the summers at the local living history spot and enjoyed the heck out of it.

        2. alder_tree +8

          At that age I really wanted to be one of the re-enactors in Williamsburg. My parents were kinda negative about it so I dropped it. I’m still mad. I would have been good at it.

          1. smiavs +6

            I never got to do reenacting, but the town I lived in did this thing called “Dickens of a Christmas” one weekend each year, where local actors dressed up as characters from his books and/or in other random period clothing. There were horse-drawn carriage rides, and people selling kettle corn and hot cider. Even some of the local cops dressed up in official period-clothing-but-still-honest-to-god cop uniforms and chased around Fagan’s banned of orphans after they stole planted goods off other actors. It was good fun. I was Martha Cratchit several years running in high school, and we were once even featured on The Food Network. I do wonder how many tourists have photos of me in albums somewhere, though….

      3. rebeccalibrarian +7

        My first real job was working at a living history museum and except for the fact that it was seasonal and had no benefits I would have kept working there for a very long time because it was the. best.

    9. popelizbet +6

      I had my mother’s old hoop and stick from the farm, no shit. It was fun. Thomas is a damnable liar.

    1. Pygmalion24 +20

      Was going to comment the exact same thing!

      Do you think, like Sally Draper, she also had her childhood innocence stolen from her?

    1. Xolandra +11

      Honestly, how could you NOT? Especially the poor little girl chasing the hoop who knows that nothing will ever change…

  4. annikkinstarkiller +91

    If there’s one thing I learned from becoming a parent, it’s that kids have that dead-eyed, thousand-yard stare thing down cold.

    Also, how did any of these children stay still long enough to have their portraits painted? If I was an early Victorian child I would’ve torn off those constricting clothes.
    …. Well actually if I was an early Victorian child I’d probably have died of scarlet fever before I was five, but still. Those clothes look really uncomfortable.

    1. Teka Lynn +31

      Quick sketch with posed subject and later proper painting in the studio away from larval human lifeform would be my guest. That’s often how they painted adults, I believe.

  5. Es_Petal +25

    Blocks can only alleviate sorrow-child is a DEAD RINGER for my friend’s sprog. It’s alarming.

    1. femaelstrom +7

      Why does its body look so weirdly distorted? like the torso is way too long? does your friend’s child also look like that?

      1. Es_Petal +10

        I think that’s just bad art… I’d have to persuade friend to dress sprog up in a weird and poorly made dress though, and I am not sure my powers are up to that.

  6. deleted7541601 +18

    This reminds me of the link in an earlier link roundup about Jeffers’ FLDS town where toys and games are forbidden. Ugh. Also, apparently smiling was invented in the 20th century.

    1. alder_tree +7

      (pedant)
      Smiling in portraits and photos was seen as frivolous and undignified for a while. Someone wealthy enough to have their children’s portraits painted would not have wanted them looking undignified. Plenty of people did smile! Just not in expensive portraits. (/pedant)

  7. friendofdaja +24

    I just realized the taller girl in the second picture looks exactly like me. It’s creepy (but not creepy enough to take away from how hilarious these are)

    1. friendofdaja +18

      Aaaand Wikipedia tells me that’s a boy. The pants should have been a tip-off, in hindsight.

  8. VioletandIrises +23

    Is it me, or is the boy in the first picture wearing those plastic/vinyl boots you’d get with a sexy firefighter Halloween costume? Where did he get those boots? He’s smirking, so he’s totally hiding something.

  10. tabbylavalamp +35

    And this is how I learned that Wednesday Addams didn’t enter her Goth phase until after she was finished playing with her skipping rope.

    1. ladyimogen +35

      I was just coming down here to say that! OH MY GOD IT’S A LITTLE MAN! DO IT AGAIN! OH MY GOD IT’S A LITTLE MAN! WHERE DID HE COME FROM? DO IT AGAIN!

    2. bookdom +30

      I very much empathize with that little dog – I had a love/hate relationship with my jack-in-the-box when I was little. I loved turning the crank to play music, terrified by the clown, and also mad about my fear, so I would play with it incessantly trying to desensitize myself to the sudden pop-up of the clown.

  12. Lizzie_Sidds +23

    “Riding you means nothing” is just a painting of my childhood with my little brother, after I dressed him up in my clothes.

    1. viviennestreet +2

      YES. My brother is eternally bitter that we have pictures of little!him wearing my dresses and slips.

  14. winterbymorning +54

    Jump rope/noose girl has an AMAZING dress. Blue velvet! Lace collar and cuffs! 10/10 would wear the hell out of.

    Meanwhile:

    I am convinced that this kid is the guy from that Walrus piece about the Christmas village. He has stolen the cane, wig and book from his parents in order to pawn them and buy more miniatures for the growing village at his feet.

      1. popelizbet +5

        It is, on this guy, who I only discovered today (this article is apparently known around the Toast commentariat much like the Victorian lady). Hate read ahead.

        1. kingstitcher +5

          Oh my God: “Mine has a moon,” I said. “It’s full and white and throbs with song.”

          …

          Functionality, by contrast, requires a more seasoned eye. “What kind of town has this many fucking pharmacies? ” I once asked my friend’s mother, who had recently begun her own collection. “A town populated by meth addicts, Sharon. That’s what you’ve built here.” (Truth be told, you could get away with the three pharmacies Sharon had—especially as one of hers was clearly labelled an apothecary. I was just hoping that she’d be humiliated and offer me one.)
          I hope Sharon bought three more and kept them all out of spite.

          I meant a historical figure of some sort, but I can accept this theory.

        2. mydonkeyfeet +2

          Wow.

          I have to admit, I don’t hate him. I would NOT want to be his girlfriend (stealing and selling her clothes?? while also living off her paycheck?). But I identify with having a weird expensive hobby that people think is childish (until they actually see my stuff). I’m a dollhouse miniaturist, though fortunately I’m able to make most of what I need (which also makes my stuff unique, unlike his). I also see the rich old ladies casually buying a three-figure item, whole dollhouses FULL of three-figure items scattered about everywhere, when I only have one or two (and they’re absolutely the stars of my collection, saved and wished for over YEARS).

          However, I have a very strict moratorium on dollhouse spending when I’m in a financial crunch. Unless something really rare and hard to find that I’ve been wishing for comes up on ebay at a bargain price.

          (PS – Plus he’s funny. I love that he decided his one-armed hockey player was injured in a grain thresher. I couldn’t help reading him with the voice of David Sedaris in my head.)

          2. popelizbet +3

            Nah. Having a weird expensive hobby/collection is a common thing. Mine is antique Pyrex. But I’d never resent someone for giving me the wrong piece for a sentimental reason (my BFF gave me her aunt’s 3-bowl stacking set in my daily pattern and I was stoked to have extra), or steal and sell someone’s stuff to get the Art Deco Moon (how I crave it) especially while jobless, or own more than I can keep in my own living space. I love weird hobbies. This dude just seems like a dick about his, which is proof that all hobbies have dicks practicing them.
            (Dollhouse shit is cool and fascinates me, I love miniatures.)

          3. mydonkeyfeet +3

            You’re right. Yay weird hobbies! And yeah, he’s mean about hating the thing his brother gave him. But still kind of funny. He’s more like an imaginary dick to me. (My family know to give me only things on my wishlist, or from specific artisans I have selected. My mom gave me the most amazing handmade spinning wheel I had put on my online wishlist just as a dream piece that I never thought I would actually acquire. It is exquisite!)

            We should all talk about weird hobbies during cocktail hour.

          4. popelizbet +3

            I think I had the same reaction I have to David Sedaris, who he definitely seems to be imitating: I used to think he was funny but a little mean, and then I found out he’s actually an asshole. So I kind of assume things in his style aren’t as exaggerated as their writers want to pretend. Also I have been in terrible pain and generally a little ball of hate the past few weeks because of surgery.

            I would love a “talk about your weird hobby” open thread! I bet there are more of us with strange overlaps and how badass would it be to find toastfriends who also collect antique Pyrex or do dollhouse creation or whatever. Yesss.

            Your family’s approach to your collection is my family’s approach to buying me books. Just get her the ones she wish listed, saves time and disappointment/returns because I already own it.

          5. mydonkeyfeet +3

            Also space issues, ugh. I don’t want something that’s too big for me to carry by myself, even if it is more historically accurate to be bigger. (I do lots and lots of research.) Plus it’s more expensive to fill a big house than a tiny house. Fortunately I gravitate towards to making houses and scenes that are cramped and dirty and filled with imaginary invisible people who are coping the best they can with the bare necessities.

          6. popelizbet +3

            You are igniting my periodic desire to finally work on the dollhouse I own and have never done anything with (my grandfather made it and I have left it in storage with my mom until I can get some way to display it that won’t involve the animals destroying it.) I would love to see pics of your builds! (LEGO are another of my hobbies, and I buy really expensive sets mostly to keep the space question under control…the Ghistbusters fire house is out and STUPID expensive and I want it SO BAD.)

          7. mydonkeyfeet +4

            Oh how fun that your grandfather made it! Did you play with it as a child? We kids played with my mom’s dollhouse that her grandfather made for her when she was little. It’s a family treasure now.

            I’ve heard that LEGO is better than gold for an investment! Or something like that.

            Meep, here’s a picture from the one I most recently made. It’s a Hebridean blackhouse (of course). Feat. spinning wheel!

          8. popelizbet +2

            so cool! Love it and that spinning wheel is for sure a treasure.

            Weird thing about the dollhouses. My grandfather was a VERY talented woodworker. I get all kinds of compliments on the little folk art pieces and household things he made me, as do my other relatives. The dollhouse he made for my sister was intensely awesome handicraft and we both played with it a lot (being 5 years apart, we were into dolls at different times). Eventually I asked him to make me my own dollhouse, because I wanted to decorate one of my own (I was even more into miniatures as a kid and collected mini porcelain animals). By then he had lost a lot of the ability to do that fine of work, so mine was made from a kit and not finished inside like my sister’s – but he still made it, and it has always been my plan to someday do it over top to bottom, just to feel that connection again.

          11. popelizbet +1

            I’m not sure if my sister has hers out for display yet because she moved and I think she wasn’t planning to get it out until settled, but I’ll see what I can do. The detail is exquisite.

  16. Turnip Truck +47

    Surely some of these little girls are in danger of dying from excessive jumproping! And being excessively fond of their own way, &c.

    1. Kiwiace +22

      To me,that’s always been one of the weirder aspects of patriarchy. Surely it makes more sense for men to ride sidesaddle rather than women? and even if it isn’t, how exactly is male dominance furthered by having women ride in a faintly ridiculous position?

      1. Lady Sybil Ramkin +18

        No hymen issues? Slow the women down a little? So they could wear massively ornate embroidered skirts without fear of immodesty? (I don’t really know)
        This 1800s cartoon has an opinion : https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sidesaddle#/media/F…

        I think the french court let women ride astride but only on donkeys or mules, so sidesaddle might actually be more fun.

        1. Teka Lynn +10

          “Oh, DO run and ask Madame Etiquette what a dauphine should do when she falls off a donkey!”

        2. bighairnoheart +10

          I can’t tell if it’s sad or not that I immediately knew which cartoon that was before I even clicked on the link. I apparently spend way too much time looking at saucy Georgian engravings.

      2. smiavs +4

        Well, when they first came about, they apparently didn’t have pommels or stirrups. Women couldn’t control their own horses and had to be led around by men. Presumably, that was the advantage. :-/

  18. Kay +51

    Okay, but I want that tricycle horse thing.

    If I’d had that thing as a kid, I would have ridden the shit out of it. They couldn’t have made a portrait of me, I’d just be a blur of painted horse and wheels.

    1. smiavs +2

      I’m not clever enough to have figured out how to post pictures here, but I highly recommend googling “unicorn bicycle.”

  20. cleoreads +66

    Look at the expression on the girl playing horse though (the horse, not the rider).

    In like 5 years, she’s going to be writing heartfelt poems about her best friend’s expressive eyebrows and dead eyes and wondering why they can’t go back to a time when playing horsey was enough. And her friend will not even notice.

    3. szielins +13

      Yeah. On the other hand, a century and a half later, historians will be poring over her diary, asking themselves, “Is she just saying she took tea with five out of eight of the Prunt-on-Beffleflog siblings, or that she `took tea with’ them in inverted commas? . . . Wait, is this volume from before or after the thing with the horseless carriage and the cunning geometry tutor’s patent folding bathtub?”

      1. cleoreads +2

        OMG! This made me laugh out loud. Yes – she definitely looks like she’d happily flout social conventions and get away with it.

  21. pigeonsquid +15

    How can these children be so sad and yet so here dogs? Look at the first one. It is so small and yet so pointy. I love it.

  22. PomoFrannyGlass +40

    “if only i could jump away from myself” is an elegant summary of my lifetime anxiety issues, thank you.

  23. Kiwiace +49

    “I think perhaps I don’t want to wear matching Orientalist garb as we ride imaginary horses into the Bosporus any longer”

    I believe this is the first time this sentence has been made in the English, or indeed any, language. If someone else knows otherwise, by all means correct me on this.

  24. captainmarvelly +15

    That poor dog is so terrified of the jack-in-the-box. Although not quite as terrified as I am of the dollhouse village children. They are not quite children, they are not quite adults, and they are probably not human.

  25. alula_auburn +17

    Maybe they heard about those girls who died by jump rope.
    http://the-toast.net/2015/06/12/from-the-readers-…

    The blocks in the one with the girl and boy look a lot like a set we had. There was no concept of scale, meaning people, trees, houses, and animals were all about the same height, so putting the village away usually started with an attack of killer squirrels knocking everything down on a rampage.

    Before that, when I was a baby, my brother trained me to knock down his blocks while narrating about attacks from the Giant Evil Nazi Baby. (He watched a lot of Lynda Carter Wonder Woman.)

    Also in that pic the adults in the right hand corner are super creepy! They’re melting into the wall like this is some kind of The Others situation going on.

  26. green +13

    Charles’ jack-in-the-box is clearly his only distraction from a lifetime of shoe-shining. I really feel for the kid.

    The dress-up paintings are fascinating. I’d write on that.

  30. redheadedwolf +5

    Ahahahaha, MALLORY!

    Favorites:

    yes, it pops out of the box every time
    excessively diverting
    is this all you do all day, Charles?

    a jump rope, a noose
    no difference
    no difference

    please end this